Enneagram: Levels Of Health for Type 9

hey guys thank you for joining me today my name is dr tom lehu this is my daughter kaylee and she's going to be joining me for this video today we're going to be talking about type nines we're going to be talking about the levels of health of type nines and she is a nine wing one and uh so we're going to get her input on this video um thank you kaylee for joining me for this video i'm glad that you're able to to uh to participate with us all right so before we get started just wanna call your attention to the description below to a link to my website if you wanna look at coaching appointments with myself and kaylee also offers coaching appointments uh her information her youtube channel and our website is all in the description below where you can check those out also for you guys that uh may not know yet we are starting a certificate program and so information about that certificate if you want to become certified as an enneagram coach and help others uh that to help them in their um relationships or help them understand more about themselves and you love people and you want to know more about people information is on my website so check that out and thank you again to my patrons i really appreciate your support for the channel so let's get started cayley anything you want to say before we look at the information on levels of health of type nine um i will say that i'm an enneagram nine wing one i'm an infj um i've been in the really unhealthy places and right now i would say i'm right between that healthy and average like right between there um on my way to being healthier so that's at least where i am now so whenever i'm talking about the enneagram i might well the levels of health i might be going and saying like oh yeah i totally had a problem with this but maybe i've worked through it a little bit but yes anyways yeah i think we're always moving to trying to move to better places of health and yeah and this is a really great tool to do that yeah we're going to be looking at uh bogda's book on uh bringing out the best in everyone you coach and uh just got some great information about levels of health among other things so uh let's get started and how's your coaching appointments going you you do coaching appointments with people yeah i meet with a ton of nines i think i meet with a lot of nines because they're like do you understand um or they're like i'm married 209 and they're so bad tell me why and because i do a lot of that i love meeting with anyone um i i think it's really enjoyable and you know i love learning more about people as i work with them yeah yep all right well let's look at uh let's look at the lowest level of health first um that's where i like to begin spend my time there the lowest level of health according to bogda's book on for a nine is called the sleeper now why do you think that we call it the sleeper haley well because you know as a nine they are this physical body type but they have the separation of doing from thinking and feeling and when you are uncomfortable in your physical life or your emotional and thinking life you can easily just kind of die to it like no it doesn't exist like these emotions are overwhelming so i'll just pretend they don't exist and now you have you know your passions are gone your interests are gone your hobbies literally your your opinions and your thoughts are kind of dissipating so what else is there for you to do other than to just be left alone you know at peace this fake piece of well when i'm sleeping unconsciousness you know it's i don't have to worry about it because i'm asleep to it yeah i always think of kind of like head in the sand right i mean it's one thing when you've taken care of all of your problems and you've taken care of all of your planning that needs to be in life and you are at peace because everything around you is taken care of it's peaceful he's peaceful but sometimes nines kind of want to rush that and get to the peaceful without necessarily taking care of all the things in life that need to be taken care of so sometimes a nine might need to wake up and hey are you really tuned in to life and addressing the things in life that need to be addressed and fighting all the battles that life you need to fight and engage in all those things so a good word for nines is engage and initiation yeah you can initiate something you're probably heading in the right direction and i often say to nines when i'm coaching nines is ask yourself the is it okay for a normal person to expect such and such or do such and such then if your answer is well sure it's okay for a normal person to bring you know dreams and goals and wishes and hopes and thoughts and opinions then it's probably okay for me to have those dreams and goals and opinions yeah because nines often take themselves out of scenarios and we want to get them back into those scenarios okay so the sleeper so what she says is the core fear at this lowest level of the nine is a separation from others or being controlled or of discord so the core fear of that lowest level of a nine would be other people might abandon so if i were to speak up if i were to initiate if i were to show up fully then of course people would probably be done with me and they they wouldn't want yeah and that's something where you know as a nine you have to look at you then you're not trusting the people in your life that you love if you don't feel like you can tell your significant other you know i really don't like this that and the other and you feel like they're going to abandon you because of that then they don't love you because a person that loves you will not just abandon you when you tell them i really don't like you know alfredo maybe we shouldn't eat it every week it's like something as dumb and as simple as that that could be you know make a nine's heart start racing i'm like i'm gonna tell them i don't like when they do this thing or i don't like this certain thing then they're gonna leave me or i don't wanna listen to this music yeah right then like if you think somebody's gonna abandon you over something that small do you really even want it and then you had to think past that of like okay would the is that realistic are they actually going to abandon me and if they did abandon me over this issue then obviously our relationship wasn't as close as um yeah yeah they probably have given other people if you're looking at those small of things then they have probably probably given you tons of times where you could abandon them where they yell at you and where they say they don't like this thing and you never probably never take it super personally and that it's like oh well i should just get out of here and leave because you know maybe in that unhealthy place of i'll stop causing you problems if i withdraw but not you know what i give up i'm done you're you're a hopeless case i'm not able to fix your problems and so you can see that's not how relationships work that's not how your relationship works you probably need to look at you know the fact sometimes nines have to get a break away sort of go out into the 100 acre wood and and then get some distance between themselves and others to realize this relationship isn't as good as i thought it was or this relationship is more secure than i fear it is the process sometimes in the moment i think nines can can miss the forest for the trees all right so being controlled nines don't want to be controlled that's interesting because it does kind of seem like they willingly allow people to control them sometimes but maybe it's in a detached sort of way like like i'll go along with people i'm choosing to yeah i'm choosing to not listen to you argue anymore so i'll just do it um or the yeah sure harry you want me to come to your birthday party even though i hate you sure and then you go to harry's birth and then you know you don't go and so you're not being controlled but you're being sneaky that's no one wants a sneaky person yeah you may be like assenting like agreement implying agreement to things you don't really intend on actually following through with and of course discord i think nines don't like discord generally that conflict that you know so nines with a low degree of self mastery do not pay attention to themselves you are a person too you were born from somebody just like everybody else was right yeah other people see you walking around the sidewalk just like you see them yeah sometimes people you know will be pretty outlandish in their dress like some people sevens could be like that just for fun yeah could could be like that for fun hey wait till people get a load of this crate yeah i think nines could like maybe just go for what's comfortable and some cartoon characters i wear the same outfit every day somebody might point out that your clothes don't match in a nine oh i guess i didn't care or think about that um so not pay attention to themselves um may have no energy to pay attention to anyone else that's interesting but i feel like a lot of times with that you get to kind of with the 9 8 it's very obvious if you bring your problem to a 9 8 and they don't have the emotional energy to listen to it they'll just be like okay that's great and kind of evade from that a little bit you'll physically see them leave whereas in nine one might be like oh your problems okay yeah i'm listening i'm listening to the box in my head yeah zoned out yeah the 98's a little more easy to push back against people yeah that's not my problem i'm not really gonna yeah you might see that they're not listening whereas the 911 you might not be able to tell they really aren't listening yeah i remember this is the lowest level so if you're hearing this you're like well i'm not like that well good good good good that's good this is the lowest level of health they ignore even the most life-threatening problems and so there's yeah there's things around you that may need your attention but the nine for whatever reason it's probably it's kind of like the universal working out i think nines they love like those slogans that get you off the hook like well all we can do now is pray or 100 years from now it's not gonna matter or let go and like god or there's you know a lot of these kinds of phrases although like the life is good t-shirts with like the little guys camping life is good and that's i think something we could share yeah nines and sevens could share that positive general they're both optimists yeah optimistic yeah but sevens are going to engage yeah and maybe things that are a waste of time the nine might just be look disengaged yeah i think i'm not sure if i've said it in a lot of my videos or not but a lot of times when i think about optimism with the different types the two the seven and the nine are the optimists and the twos are kind of like i can swoop in and save this situation i'll be able to help you through this so it's really good because see how you're okay now because i helped you with it um the sevens are kind of like it wasn't really like that like that's not what really happened right they kind of reframe and nines are kind of like well i mean yes this and this and this did happen but it's all kind of relative to me it was bad but to you it was good maybe so it's fine yeah um but at the end of the day it's your life and you have to say but to me it was bad and i don't like it yeah and are you do you permit yourself to register that mm-hmm like i don't prefer that was a key word for you when you were learning about the enneagram wasn't it like or before that yeah before because i was like i can't say i want something that's so selfish and big i'm taking up too much space by wanting something but you say well i would prefer to go here over there but it doesn't matter you know right to just to get in touch with your own voice enough to hear what you prefer yeah what is a preference that's a big aren't bad that's something that i think like is a seven i just take for granted that of course i know what i prefer or i want to try them all as a seven i really want to try them all so that i could know what i prefer like that that is something that i'm interested in finding what i prefer so i want to try every item on the menu until i want to try every chocolate in the box until i know which one i prefer um so i'm interested in figuring out now that can be exhausting of course and as a seven i have told myself many times you can't do that especially the counter seven yeah you have to just go with what you know because it gets exhausting that pursuit of trying everything right and i think as a nine you can easily just kind of not think about what you prefer and just whatever is in front of me is fine yeah which is makes you guys agreeable to live with yeah and if you're actually content with that um you know it's okay to be content and it's good to be content but um don't let that be your fault of contentment content contentedness yes yes so you know being okay with anything you might you know if you start waking up and paying attention to your actual emotions and thoughts about things you might notice i'm not really content i'm forcing myself to be content um or i'm content but i'm not happy um i've started doing a thing where every time i go to a restaurant i try to get something i've never had before and every time i'm like i know i like this but i'm like just do it just do the thing and i do and i'm like oh this is nice okay and it's just like this weird thing of like i know i can be content with anything so at least maybe try for something better so you're you're in a sense you're forcing yourself to engage in a way that your impulse would not yes yes like i'm going to make myself grow and have new experiences yeah whether i want do or not i'm going to do it and like and i do the opposite i do the opposite i tell myself you can't try everything you have to just you know limit yourself and and seven goes to five less is more and oftentimes less is more but for you i think that does that is a good move for a nine okay so they may ignore problems i think that's very true of knives they can ignore problems and sort of just again feel like you're burying your head in the sand other people around you would feel like you're burying your head in the sand and you're not dealing with enablers yeah you're not dealing with threats in your eight wing and you're not dealing with goals that need to be accomplished in your one wing you're just kind of stuck and maybe protecting your comfort in compliant yeah which one of the reasons i think that i i've kind of sorted out and correct me if i'm wrong i've kind of sorted out that nines you know they have that unique ability to see other people's perspectives and i realized you know part of the reason behind why nines can see other people's point of view or the other side of an argument is it insulates you from having to take action because you can say well as strongly as this case over here makes sense i'm sure there's another side to this so therefore i don't need to make a decision i don't need to pick each side i don't need to act because there's more than one side to this so i don't really need to move or take action yeah i think that's that's one one benefit of that your sin will experience in um you know seeing everyone's perspective another is then you don't have to have your own thoughts and opinions you don't have to contribute um you don't have to engage your own voice yeah when you don't know what your voice is it's like okay so i decline mount everest to find what i think like i have to figure all this out and then i have to voice it like actually say it because now i have a conviction and i have to put it out there but um you know kind of with that one wing or going to six i think a little bit more of that like feeling that anxiety and stress people are gonna be turning it against me they're if i say something they don't like if i have an opinion that's wrong um you know i they i meet new people and they all say they like this sports team but i know i like this one i might downplay how much i like the one i actually like and build up the one that they like why why would you do that what's the point will an eight do that no well if i do that no and they're perfectly happy with themselves okay and you know you have something unique to bring but it can be hard if people are going to criticize it because then it's like okay i'm bad i'm bad or i'm being a problem yeah i'm being a burden i'm i was wrong i shouldn't have said that it's an opinion it's not that big a deal right and it certainly wouldn't bother you yeah if somebody else disagree if somebody else did that but then you can't see yourself doing it it's interesting and then how it works yeah all right so they may refuse to face the most obvious consequences of their desire to pretend that everything is okay everything's okay i don't have anything to worry about i'm okay and a lot of times i think you know a six really deserves to be at nine because they have taken all of the precautions and plans and strategize and so they they kind of deserve to be at rest because at peace nines kind of are there and really you know mooching off of it yeah like because i refuse to be stressed but of course nine goes to six or nine looks like a six under stress when you realize i can't ignore this problem any longer yeah and a lot of times it seems like nines will use the fear of waiting to the last minute or the fear of the people are upset with me because i've delayed delayed delayed or haven't shown up and now that fear can be useful that six fear now you have an emotion as energy to help you get stuff done that you put off in your nine way of yeah and and it's like nines i think can do that where they can just kind of ignore the deadline especially nine eights they can like ignore the deadline and then oh crap that's due tomorrow fear of the six give me some push to get it across the finish line and it's done and now i can go back to sleep again and i think a big like there's a similarity between what the nine does and what the four does of i'm scared it's not gonna be the way i envision it a little bit of this optimus i'm uh you know i'm scared it's not gonna be good enough or that people might insult it but if i know that i didn't give it all my effort then when they insult it okay you know i didn't you've insulated yourself like you've insulated yourself protected yourself so if somebody doesn't like it or complains about it well i didn't really put all that much effort into it so if i would have tried harder then it would have been great but yeah i didn't have enough time to you know do it as good as i could have or i was trying to do it in such a way that charlie would be happy with it yeah and you're like that's you had months are you kidding me you literally i literally had months to do this and what did i do okay that's a lie it's a sham low level nines can be chronically sluggish and immovable remember i always say nines are not a problem in the way that anvils aren't problems right and anvil never causes a problem until you try to move it right and then you'll see sometimes you'll sometimes see a nine you'll see that volcano of the nine when you start pushing on them moving them you know you get those papers in kaylee you got those papers in you need to call the insurance office you need to call the tax collector's office and get those paperwork paper or paperwork and then finally they're like yeah it's this internal demolition of i'm not safe to be around you anymore because you make me uncomfortable i guess i'll disconnect from you yeah and then the nine puts up a wall when really just a fence with a gate you know some boundaries but if you don't like that process of putting up boundaries with people then you might just avoid them all together yeah and sometimes nines can blacklist people that maybe just needed to be confronted you know you could just confront somebody but there's that discord that fear of discord or that fear that person is going to be upset with me where you could just go to them and say hey dad you need to lay off or hey bob you need to back up and i'll take care of it when i'm ready so thank you i'm done with this conversation and the person will go oh there's a boundary there there's a wall there but what's more likely is that the nine will just never talk to them again avoid them and and just cut them out of their life yeah don't cut me out of your life caleb yeah no you have to ask do i love this person enough to make myself uncomfortable enough to continue on in the future instead of you know i'm going to show you love and love until i just can't do it anymore well you know i feel like nines like the ones that i talk to and myself even there's this huge pressure that just builds up and you're like if i start saying that i'm mad about something it's just going to be this huge eruption it's going to go on and on but usually like as soon as you say one thing like i really don't like it when the scent the other the pressure's just like you let all the air out of the balloon and then you can just talk um it's usually not this big explosion that you're worried you're gonna have because as soon as you start letting a little bit of the pressure out it all starts coming out do you feel you're gonna get stuck in that anger or stuck in that because like as a seven eye sometimes i'm afraid like i'm gonna get stuck in sad feelings like if i let myself feel sad stuff well then it's never gonna end i'll just be stuck in that i um i've developed a very good relationship with anger recently and yeah i've been doing a lot better with like actually you know okay i'm not sad about this i'm mad about this i'm angry and i want someone to blame okay don't do that but i'm like you know i anger i don't think i'm gonna get stuck in it i it's the fear of i'm gonna push you away with it i'm gonna be the reason you abandoned me you leave me because i infringed on your boundaries and i hurt you you were soft and i hurt you and you know i made you uncomfortable i would never want you to do that to me and i did the worst thing i could do and i did it to you and i'm so sorry i don't want to do that so i try to not say anything when i'm actually angry like in the moment when i'm angry i'm like just think about it just think just think and then i'm like okay now that it's been 20 minutes or now that it's been a little while here's what i was thinking now that the i'm not gonna just like you know say it really in a nasty tone how can i say this but it's not the fear of being stuck in anger maybe stuck in conflict we're gonna you're gonna be mad at me and i'm gonna be mad at you but i'm not scared that i'm gonna keep being angry it's more like i'm scared you're just going to say you know what i've had enough done okay this is it that's done so and then interesting like the nine might be afraid the other person will be upset and cut them off so the nine cuts them off yeah yeah that's icky that's a key all right okay so um anything else about the low level of the night okay uh they may become passive aggressive saying yes but really if they really thought about it they might mean no i think that nines can do that like if i were to ask a nine hey could you help me um you know move boxes all weekend on saturday my your day off it's going to be a terrible job the night is going to feel this pressure to like they already know what my want is more than their own and they're going to feel inclined to say yes i might be able to do that um maybe yeah but then kind of kick themselves all the way home like why did i agree to this or or tell themself oh it's fine i don't really mind and they needed help and i didn't have anything planned anyway but obviously if you could just listen to your own voice for a second you would hear yourself say i don't want to do that yeah not wanting to do it is a valid excuse yeah i don't want to do that you don't have to do it but there's that an eight would have no problem right right one next to you and even sometimes a one might have no problem saying yeah sorry tom i can't help you with that i got other things i gotta do yeah and a lot of times in nine well the how the passive aggressive stuff plays in is like sure i'll do this thing that i hate that i don't want to do and then they'll get right up to you know i'm supposed to be there in 30 minutes and i'm laying in bed i feel sick because i've made myself feel sick in order to not have to do this thing like hey i'm really sick i'm not going to be able they'll spend the whole rest of their day you know they spent the whole half of their day feeling sick because they didn't want to do this and then oh i'm so relieved because now i don't have to do this thing that you never had to do in the first place and then maybe if you just didn't show up then you end up blacklisting that person again yeah yeah back to that because like i didn't show up and i know they're gonna be upset with me and so i probably just will never talk to them again my whole life i'll just go in the back door of the office and never see them because yeah i didn't show up for them yeah and i know i didn't yeah it's so much easier to take easy nine's love easy this is actually easier listen if you don't listen to anything else this is what's easy um not hating people not letting yourself get to the point where you resent them and um you know telling the truth what about what's going on and saying like you know i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to do it that day i can let you know later if you still want to soften it i can text you know later when i'm not looking at you but also i can tell you i probably can't but i'll let you know and then if you don't do that you know you and you do just not see them you don't go you told them you wouldn't you didn't you see them later just go up and say hey i'm sorry i didn't make it i hope you had a great day anyways and then that should be the end of it because now you don't have to oh yeah this person every time they see me they think about how he's a bad friend to them you just you get it off your chest now you're actually at peace it takes initiating yeah and engaging and trusting that this relationship is going to be strong enough for that if it's not strong enough for you to say i'm sorry but i can't come to your stupid dog's birthday party then then really is that that good of a relationship yeah okay awesome that's the lowest level the sleeper the mid level of the nine is called the harmonizer harmonizer and i think you know when nines are really healthy they do create harmony they they bring people down they talk people down and they harmonize their environments i think when a nine is just like low level or mid-level is they just want to have harmony themselves it's like oh there's discord over here i gotta i gotta get a healthy nine will move toward the discord and say hey bob jack i don't think we're on the same page let's talk this out and let's let's hear each other a value of a nine to be heard right so let's listen to each other and let's hear each other out and but it's going to take some courage for a 9 to be a a harmonizer but i think at that mid level or that low level the 9 is really just concerned about their own sense of harmony their own sense of peace and comfort yeah because with the healthier nine you can evaluate okay i really do kind of i don't see myself at the center of my universe as much as maybe some other people would i kind of do see myself as like you know the supporting character and i you know have your own story yes of your own story you know winnie the pooh and walking through the woods you know anyways so you don't you don't see yourself as the reason why everybody showed up the reason we all came here is to celebrate you you're even at your own birthday party you might not feel like that's really the case well if you really don't feel like it's about you then you should be able to enter into conflict and it not be a big deal because it's really it isn't about you you are a outside entity coming to diffuse a problematic situation if it's not about you then you shouldn't be feeling this uncomfortable feeling why are you feeling this uncomfortable feeling okay let's you know let's figure that out yeah so you're kind of like have figured out how to talk yourself into engaging in difficult circumstances uh yeah just because i'm participating in the conversation doesn't mean that you're mad at me just because you want to fight about your opinion on behalf of your opinion doesn't mean you don't like me doesn't mean you have anything against me right so some types just like the exchange the arguing the banter yeah the challenge that you know they they want you to stand up for what you believe in and you know and have your own ideas when you recognize that this may not really even be about me that's a comforting thought to a nine yeah yeah all right so nines uh will have a core concern at this mid level with stability harmony and on being heard and making sure i think other people are hurt if you were working at a company as a nine it seems like that would be a huge value for you is that this is a place where everybody feels like they're heard that all of our employees are happy our customers feel like they're cared for and you're not a two so you're not like chasing after these people it's just i want this environment where everybody feels like they own a piece like let's say this way everybody has a seat at the table yeah that's a very nine value i think if you are a nine you will i mean other types are gonna do this too but as a nine you might find yourself doing this a lot of you're in a group of five people and you're all talking and one person starts telling a story and then everyone else gets distracted and you just lock eyes with that person and you're like your story yeah go ahead and you were like i feel crushed when i start doing that so i want to make sure you know somebody's listening even if i couldn't care less about your story i want you to know i care what you have to say because it's so important to know that people care when you're talking right you did all the work to actually say something let me hear it right so nines are set up in a sense to be good listeners if they're willing to engage because sometimes the nine could just sort of zone out yeah but yeah okay in this average mid-level yeah and i think there's a i think there's a a flip to this coin is that you might say it like this a nine inherently knows what it's like to not be listened to even well even internally yeah i was gonna say even with themselves i don't listen to my own thoughts right i'd hate for you to do the same right and so the anger of the nine you might say like this i know what it's like to not be listened to so i'm gonna make sure that everybody here feels listened to yeah stuff it's okay i would say for me it's true okay yeah and it's not is it i don't i don't pick it up from you or anyone any other nines that like they're really angry about this like they're hurt and they're upset and they're agitated about this it's just kind of like a fact like well of course people don't like it it's the way of the world and if i can you know if i can do anything i'll be mr rogers and make your world maybe a little bit softer a little bit nicer more comfortable for you where you know you have a place you know even if i don't give you the right response you might want then you at least know it was worth showing up and saying something because at least someone heard it yeah but i'll give you the littlest bit of at least my attention right but that's that's a lot of work for somebody who might be coming from not having any what they feel like any attention to give so right you have those lower levels working to be average that's good on you that's a sign nines at a moderate level they want everyone to get along i want everybody to get along not everyone wants to get along that's true some people don't feel like they have any value they lose themselves if they get along with everybody they've got to set themselves apart or they've got to watch out for them us are safe and them are not safe or i feel powerful when i voice my uh strong opinions and challenge people yeah and then here you are a nine i just want everybody to get along yeah you're pushing your values just as much as they're pushing theirs just because you know everybody thinks that their value is like the most important value we should all want to have a good time right we should all want to do the right thing well nine's like we should all want to get along that's how we do everything you know so we do everything not always have you ever watched a debate you have one as a seven i want people to get along because i want a happy home i want a happy environment i want i want us to focus on look at we could be doing all these fun things but we're busy arguing with each other no let's get along let's move through this so that we can get back to doing fun things so we can yeah you know have a light that's not your end goal getting along is not the goal no no yeah no it's just the day is better it's kind of like having sunshine like the day is more fun when the sun's out right when the sun's out then we have more options yeah but it's not about the sun right it's not about yeah okay all right so they want everybody to get along desiring peace and harmony and if you're new to this you need to watch my videos on nines and kaylee's videos on nines because if you're new to this as a nine your engine in life is peace harmony comfort and tranquility that's that's what every decision comes down to in one way or another is what's going to bring peace what's going to be uh make more harmony what's going to protect my comfort or make this environment more or less someone that i care about their comfort you have a bully in your life what's going to protect their comfort like an enabler would yeah if you're a nine and you hang out with threes or ones you can get very productive but then when they leave you've got to remember that you're not a three you you're you've harmonized with threes your value is harmony so you've harmonized with threes and you'll pick up that three-ness for a while but you could just as easily harmonize with fives or sevens or whatever your value your engine is not drive to succeed to prove your worth in value like a three or organize your world and yeah make the world fair and just like a one or an eight your value is peace comfort harmony and live in that that's not a bad thing that's a good thing i mean this world you actually live look at all of the chaos and look at all of the disharmony in this world i mean you don't have to go far on the news to find disharmony anger chaos discord in a sense nines you're here to help the rest of us learn to get along with each other learn to listen to each other and i would say a lot of from a nine perspective it must look like everybody in all the other types we're all fighting with life we're all grabbing and growling and clutching things and owning this and this is mine and i believe what i believe and i don't care what you believe and it would look like all of us are just fighting striving wrestling with life and i would think nine's gotta look at that like guys you're just you're too passionate about so many things yeah aren't you well it's like aren't you gonna get burnt out on that well sometimes people have you know a seven might not get burnt out on their life's dream you know always pursuing new things and stuff you might not get burnt out on the things you're programmed to do and you know it's seen that you're programmed that way and saying oh not everybody else is like this and it's okay that we're not all like this and it's okay that i am like this because now i can do something about it to make it work in my favor more you know i have a bunch of skills let me use them and stop letting them be my faults you know getting along is great when we actually get along getting along is not great when you think we're getting along and i'm thinking of i hate this i hate to bash my head against the wall this is awful um so harmony and peace is good but you might say in order you do have there has to be really two separate entities who are making peace with each other not one dominant and then the other who's just going along with this false peace yeah that's not peace that is you know i've talked to a lot of nights who are like well you know if i but i just know if i said this harry would be crazy he'd go berserk if i said this because you know they do you know that because have you talked to them about it because a lot of times they build up this idea well he might he might but you're telling me you booked an appointment with me right now to tell me that you are going crazy because you won't say anything just say so try try it maybe try it you know and i think there's a there's a nuanced difference between peacekeeping which is an unhealthy nine and peace making which is a healthy nine people call weapons a peacemaker right peace making is gonna look far different than peacekeeping peacekeeping is if i just shut my mouth and i just go along i don't wanna add to the problem and i just don't say anything and i just pretend like it's all okay and i don't then we'll get along yeah and that's really what you would call merging or fusing with somebody else which then is not fair to the other person they wanted to have you in their life not a mirror of them right yeah yeah yep okay what else about the mid-level um because of this they become adept at mediating differences but become highly anxious if conflict is directed at them so those nights lose focus pursuing activities that distract them rather than attending to the challenges that might be in front of them and so it's kind of like here's all these things that need your attention um i think i'm gonna take up i think i'm gonna start crocheting well it's also like i'm gonna do the laundry oh i have to i have to get this paperwork filled in by the end of the week but i really need to do my laundry and my dishes i think i'm gonna start deep cleaning my house those doorknobs aren't gonna polish themselves yeah nines will start doing all these things that should be done yeah but no not right now i have no nines that were like super you would almost think they were fives because they're like super into math and um i i remember talking to a nine that had just finished his graduate degree in nuclear physicist engineering nuclear engineering i was like wow that's incredible i mean nuclear engineering that's amazing and you know it he wasn't really interested in nuclear engineering he just didn't want to have a conflict with his parents so he went to school to do something he didn't want to do let's play a game how much work are you doing willing to do to not do work woo how much yeah it's like when you don't want to put the shopping cart back so you like take it through the grass and go over the mulch hills and you're like just how much work are you willing to do right now so yeah to not have conflict with someone it's amazing how much you'll do you know or how much work you'll do because since this math comes easy to me i can focus on that instead of focusing on maybe the relationship that i need to be working on or or you know the whatever the crisis is in front of me i'm doing this productive stuff over here so i can avoid this painful or frustrating or challenging work over here i think the average like the medium level 9 is somewhat like the illustration of a kid not wanting to rip off the band-aid because they know it's going to hurt so they'll just like soak it in water for like two hours and it'll still kind of hurt as they slowly take it off it's like okay you're acknowledging that the band-aid needs to come off that's good you are acknowledging the problem but you're gonna spend three hours peeling off a band-aid because and leave all the glue there because you don't want to just yank it off and be done after two seconds you know say this is what i think this is my boundary this is what it is this is what i care about and nines are stubborn and this is what i'm doing that's that's the end of it um you're welcome to join me instead of saying that they'll be like well in my brain i know i know exactly but i'm not really sure about all these different things what do you think you know am i giving you the right answer when you tell me you like this did i give you the right answer chinese right you wanted you wanted lunch or you wanted sandwiches right all right see i'll never fight with anybody if i can figure out what they think and then just regurgitate that back to them it's a lot of work though isn't it yeah how much work are you willing to do all right so the distracted away from the problems that are in front of them they have trouble asking for what they want they prefer prefer a predictable pace and routine activities routine activities allows you to do without engaging your thinking or feeling so i can do i can be a doing type i just don't have to really show up fully into what i'm doing it's so nice to think and feel that sounds so silly saying that but it's so nice to engage in your own thoughts your own emotions what you really believe about something if you don't know that spend time with the four and be like you seem to enjoy it let me figure out what i think and feel um it is icky when um you have this pile up this you know giant mound you have to attend to but i think that's why a lot of nines when they go to this apathy they go to only doing routine they kind of fall asleep to their thoughts and their feelings um it's kind of like your email um you know there's five emails there and it's overwhelming so you go to just doing well you're still getting more emails eventually you're gonna look and you're gonna have a thousand emails but i gotta get to six and have anxiety yeah to give me the energy to process my emails yeah or if you you know working through the enneagram more you might be able to well you'll start to be able to go to six in a healthy way of what would a six do what would somebody who was planning for the future do i'll just i'll at least look at two emails i'll at least do two now right and that's one of the things that i think we've shown one of the healthy steps for each type is to go ahead and go to your number of unhealth and try to think like that number would think for a seven that would be going to one and saying what needs to be done today incorporate some of their values yeah and for a nine it would be like well maybe i should check in with people i haven't checked in with maybe i need to plan for the future a little bit plan for the future maybe i should think about what could go wrong and try to mitigate that you know rather than oh it's fine it's fine it's gonna be fine all right so last let's wrap up this mid-level stuff um they want to be so agreeable that people will like being around them they rarely take a stand for something they believe in opting instead to go along with what others want or with what others believe uh yeah i mean you'll get humanizing fine with people like advertising harmonizing what do you believe okay that's what i believe those people probably aren't going to be very memorable or inspiring or encouraging but they're not going to be a bother probably to most people right there's a there seems to be an ability though if nines would tap into it since they see the other side you know if i come down hard and strong on some political person or opinion as a nine you can't help but see well yeah but there's another side to this and i think if you could lean into that as a nine it might make you a more interesting person to to to speak with because if i said you know hamburgers are the best and anybody that doesn't think hamburgers are the best is just you know fooling themselves since you're a nine you can't help but see that well there's a case to be made for hot dogs too i mean people like hot dogs and and i think instead of instead of just harmonizing with the hamburger people why not lean into your other into your strength of seeing other points of view and say well you know tom there's a case to be made for hot dogs well what do you mean hot dogs i can't believe that you're gonna take the and you're not taking i know as you know that as a nine you're not taking the other side but you might just speak from that side and play devil's advocate yeah a little bit like a six might you know and it might it might feel uncomfortable for you you might have to lean on your eight to do that but it might feel uncomfortable for you but it might turn out to be you know the best thing you ever did it might engage the people that are talking with you if you said well you know there's a case we made for hot dogs and you know i sometimes like hot dogs better than hamburgers what do you think about that yeah i think 9 8 probably do that pretty well i know um zach's been in a few videos zach will do that all day long and asleep um he'll do that but i know i think a lot of nines can access that a little bit more if it's not something you are sensitive about you know if you don't know right if you haven't made up your mind if you've made up your mind you might not want to argue your point because somebody might try to change your mind but if it is hamburgers and hot dogs it's a lot easier so if you haven't done this kind of thing before you can always start with these little things of well i like well i don't know why everybody hates monday so much mondays are just fine mondays are fine for me i don't know why i think if you if you live with a nine especially if you live with a nine you might sometimes feel like they're seeing the other perspective in a way that's combative to you and if you can realize that nines nines really don't wear the team jerseys you know i remember they're the referees so they they don't see themselves necessarily as being on a team they see themselves as observers to the game and so if i'm wearing a green jersey and i'm saying green jerseys are what our team wears why aren't you wearing a green jersey and i realized that it's not that i have anything against it it's not right it's not that i haven't and that you're for the red team it's just that i was observing right you know my senses were telling me and you might do well if you live with a nine don't expect them to be on your side on every issue because they literally have a hard time being on a side they don't even have their own side yet yeah they see all sides and let's respect them for that ability and then draw it out of them that's what i'm saying is lean into that and just voice the other side sometimes yeah it can be i think it can be really difficult for the um maybe the sevens but definitely like the eights and the fours who want this intensity and the nines just kind of you know and sixes that want to know that you're on my team yeah if i'm a six i want you on my team yeah and why aren't you agreeing with me and why aren't you why are you voicing up for that for that side and if i can remember you're a nine you aren't necessarily going to give me the intensity i'm looking for right you are in neutral in a sense harmonizing neutral bystander who doesn't want to who has an important role that's different than doesn't want to be on a team against another team yeah right then i don't have to be upset with you if you're not in complete agreement with things why would we need to be in complete agreement with things we're two individuals why can't we just love each other see we're terrible one of the things the enneagram teaches us which the bible teaches us too is we're terrible at loving each other if you'll be who i want you to be and do what i want you to do and believe and think like me then i'll love you yep and that's not really love is it love is you do things that don't make sense to me you have values that are different than mine you sometimes scratch and hurt me and yet i still carry affection for you and want the best for you and that's the kind of love that the world really doesn't grasp very well all right highest level of the nine the fully conscious individual look at that fully conscious i'm awake i'm engaged and i'm an individual yeah what type is called the individual the the four yeah what what does a nine do at their lowest they are stuck in their sleepy body without any you know interaction with thinking and feeling and once they are healthy they can actually have thoughts and emotions and i'm a person i'm a person yeah it's okay for me to have dreams hopes wants likes dislikes disagree with people be on team be off a team yeah however icky it is maybe you should practice saying i am entitled to every other right that every other person's entitled to i'm entitled to thoughts and feelings just like everyone else yeah the word title is kind of icky but for like you know human rights that's it's true you are so the core understanding of this highest level is an unconditional regard that connects everyone and everything nines who have reached the high level of self-mastery no longer have difficulty taking a stand okay in fact they approach life in an active and purposeful way purposeful that's a good word purposeful way and i think really it's intenseness when i think about like tensions what is the purpose of a nine everybody has their own unique purpose i get that and ultimately we all live to glorify god but what is the ultimate purpose of a nine it's to bring the very thing that they're looking for peace harmony comfort and tranquility the thing that we look for in our type sevens look for satisfaction happiness joy that's what we bring when we're healthy and a nine is looking to have peace and harmony that's what you bring when you're healthy you will go into places where they're lacking comfort and harmony and you will help those people learn to get along with each other to hold life with a little bit more of a nine gr grasp instead of you know holding on and and owning things and fighting for stuff nines tend to approach the world like this is freedom and they kind of get the rest of us to realize maybe i'm fighting with life yeah and maybe i could just be more of an observer to things and not don't die on every hill yeah not every hill needs your bloodshed it's okay some things you won't matter in 100 years like those little things right some things actually you don't what are you giving your time to what's important to you um not every battle is important yeah right yeah so the very thing that i think nines are looking for when they're not doing well peace harmony comfort tranquility is what they bring and really that is your purpose in life as a nine now just go find the job it doesn't matter now the job is secondary like whether you're doing that work that mediating harmonizing work in a hospital or to university or in politics or in a classroom that's secondary now it's just find the place that lets you bring that healing that comforting warmness find a place that values that and needs that and now you've found where your place to fit in in this world which isn't hard again to find a place that needs somebody to harmonize and heal bring healing yeah and you know thinking about this the i know one thing that i've been working on for a while and i think i've gotten a lot better at in this getting healthier is having an argument or a fight or that tough discussion or something i can start to look forward to that because that is what's going to help alleviate these problems i can't wait until we finally talk about all the problems so then they can start going away instead of let's just bury these let's get rid of these right like you know you have a problem with so and so and you're mad at me because of because i don't have a problem so and so okay let's talk about it and let's really let's talk about it okay and feeling a relief because i know we're actually going to be able to work this out you're going to be heard and i'm going to right are you settling for a false harmony when you could work for a real harmony with people yeah and i'm going to trust you enough to do what i'm doing of not just going to run away when we disagree about this we're both going to sit here and we're both going to talk until it's taken care of and we're both gonna be as kind as possible while doing it and respectful but that's how this is gonna work and not just thinking the worst of well they're probably gonna get really mad and then they're gonna hate me and they're gonna scream over me and they're not even gonna understand i'm going to dig myself a hole even deeper um when you really look back on life how many times has that scenario really happened to you yeah or it's not like this is oh this happens all the time and so that's the digging yourself a deeper hole and misunderstanding happens when you don't have the conversation when you don't just say hey you know when i didn't mean it like that i apologize because i didn't mean it like that and you know you thought they were really mad at you and you didn't want to confront that anger in them but they say oh i didn't even realize you said that oh okay well i've been worried for the last three days i've had diarrhea worried for the last three days for no reason are you kidding me perfect right okay they approach life in an active purposeful way knowing that they have a right to voice their opinions they're involved engaged extremely vital solid substantial and alert they're also very serene deeply content and in the flow which all come from their inner core doesn't that sound wonderful oh you have an inner core where did you highlight that part okay how do i find my inner core yeah well yeah nines you do you don't necessarily see it the rest of us see it because you know anytime there's a conflict we're going to see you wanting to work against that conflict that's true to your inner core um so one of the ways it says to help a coach help coach in nine listen to this is help them to create a clear vision for what they most want most want that's good then guide them in developing a concrete action plan because sometimes it can be dreamy in your head bubbles it can be dreamy in your head but it doesn't necessarily come out into a plan you know ones make plans right that's a wing guess who else makes plans threes make plans sixes make plans eight sometimes just move to action without a plan it's not that they don't plan but they're more like you know just they're going to get the first step and they start doing it they're just going to start you're just going to jump in but think about that three numbers that you are that you have lines to are all really planners threes ones and sixes man they are all planners yeah and nines are such routine characters by nature having a plan is so it's so freeing having a list is freeing because you say now if i have to pack this whole pack for a trip i wrote down everything i need on the list it's not this huge overwhelming thing i can see right here i need these 10 things otherwise you have all these i have so many things i have to pack but you have 10 things you just wrote it down you can see you have 10. um and you know getting that dream a lot of people that i talk to a lot of nines i talk to are well i just want us to get along better okay what do you think that will look like um what are the kinds of problems why is that important yeah and what are we getting along to accomplish yeah why do we want to get on do they want to get along because what does it mean to get along that's what that's your clear vision what does it mean to get along because you and i might have very different ideas of what it means to get along right and maybe you're not the kind of person that anyone in their right mind should want to get along with yeah yeah a little bit kaylee do you have anything else to say in these last minutes that you think have found helpful for the nine anything any final thoughts that um you want to share i would say i have some videos online so if you want to go over to my channel and watch some of those along with like some other types and some different videos um it's okay what i would say to the nines is for the potential very unhealthy minds apathy is not the answer because you that is just you ignoring problems and they keep building up they will continue to build up life is so enjoyable um when you start to actually live it and then for the medium to healthier nines um you know your skills and your talents if you're just learning about the enneagram might be a lot different than everybody else's everybody it seems like everybody else got really cool stuff you know they they all you know have dreams and passions you know you do too and it's it's good to be agreeable and loving and kind to people and make people feel welcomed but it's good to get along in a healthy way and help people to get along help people find peace that is good that is a good thing that is also important so i think it can be easy to be like oh everybody loves these people because everybody notices this amazing thing about them it's good to stand up for something and you know people do notice you because you are alive and you are another person that's that's pretty much it okay fantastic so check out the description below book an appointment with kaylee move toward health all right guys see ya we'll catch you next time

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 12,125

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, enneagram type 9, type nine, family, relationships, marriage, parenting, personalities

Id: 2rMSvX87tKg

Length: 60min 1sec (3601 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 14 2021