Eddie Griffin stand up comedy E Niggma 2019 very funny

[Music] good evening ladies and gentlemen welcome to the eddie griffin experience for a brother who brings laughter to your soul into the masses of planet years earth put your hands together for the one only the [Applause] [Music] undeniable [Applause] [Music] get back up [Applause] [Music] what's going on y'all welcome welcome welcome to las vegas if you just got here it's the only city you can see dead people walking down the street you don't believe me take your ass out on las vegas boulevard [ __ ] there's a dead michael jackson out there still moonwalking elvis still got three shows in this [ __ ] time i seen y'all seen that transformer out there that [ __ ] asked me for five dollars i said turn it to a car [ __ ] i'll get you 100. that [ __ ] was trying too hey you really need a job dressing up like a truck in this [ __ ] heat you know when he leave the house and something like daddy why are you dressing up like a truck [ __ ] do you like food your daddy dumb that's all i know how to do get my ties they're so hot in this [ __ ] town i seen the devil walking down the street looking for ice water said he going back to hell to cool off it shouldn't be a fat [ __ ] nowhere in this town take your fat ass outside and feel pulling grease around your head hey [ __ ] what's your diet the sun and crazy white people y'all [ __ ] crazy y'all the only ones being at these pools [ __ ] are hunted and hell they out there [ __ ] skin bubbling sound like bacon [ __ ] being them cabanas and we don't pay for them either you know we gonna sit right in this [ __ ] they come and kick us out then that wages will come over would you like a bottle of champagne not for no 3 000 goddamn dollars but we're glad to ask you to leave i didn't want to sit in this [ __ ] no goddamn i think we'll walk to another casino get right back in another cabana y'all be careful when y'all out here they ain't building these casinos cause [ __ ] are winning got quiet in this [ __ ] vegas you got some of your bull huggers i don't know why y'all don't figure it out when you land at mccann airport they got that escalator going down [ __ ] be hyped on the rifle [ __ ] we in vegas would like to kick it like a [ __ ] y'all better watch them [ __ ] going up [ __ ] they be quiet purse empty wallet dry and my people we the loudest when we check in casinos [ __ ] arriving [ __ ] i'm invading [ __ ] i'm about to get these [ __ ] i see them dudes and them black suits be like we got one you'll see that [ __ ] later on that evening on that lonely couch every casino got one they just got you know it's over in the distance right by the craft table they don't [ __ ] like shoot crabs [ __ ] i call it the losing couch it ain't got no back on it they don't need one [ __ ] sit there like this be mumbling today's help i had it it was in my hand i had it 1500 it was mine i should have walked when i had the chance sisters don't let a brother leave clean either you lose something like yeah [ __ ] i told you black ass couldn't shoot no craps [ __ ] that was our house money [ __ ] i lost the house you don't have to sell [ __ ] so we can get out this [ __ ] can you see them old [ __ ] later anybody wants some of this now this is my 11th year doing shows out here in las vegas with my residency yes [Applause] it's my 32nd year anniversary doing this [ __ ] called stand up man yes damn gay say [ __ ] [ __ ] being out here in this [ __ ] [ __ ] there's a lot of holes here vegas got a lot of holes man now when i used to come here on the weekend before i lived here man you know you come and do a show you get your dick sucked make some money you leave now that i live here i know all the hoes couple y'all [ __ ] in here tonight you know who you are [ __ ] the hoes all the [ __ ] they got big giant bags the young hoes they work in those see they got giant purchasy real women you know y'all got respectable small persons you know little makeup you know probably a couple of tampons you know it was that time of the month you know hoes got giant bags now you can spot them they got three pad shoes in there four five wigs they'll go upstairs [ __ ] turn a trick come down the redhead and if y'all really want to see some funny [ __ ] go to downtown las vegas that's where the old hoes hang out they still walk the stroll like it's 1972. they out in the sun hot and they laugh when you walk by me you driving by eddie you see us over here [ __ ] come on over here now go [ __ ] with a [ __ ] nailed it make me suck your little comedy dick i said [ __ ] you got three teeth and they don't look like they like each other wait till the [ __ ] fall out come back and see your [ __ ] [ __ ] y'all don't knock until you try it they'll gum you down they can smooth selling your hoes got regular lives too [ __ ] i live out here you see hoes at grocery stores out here look you on all nine [ __ ] come out with a titty hanging out [ __ ] i said if i can put you titty up my son right here you're making him hungry yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] i was married to a [ __ ] that was whoo i'm on my fourth marriage y'all sammy my first three wives was cool they good but the third one nickel that was crazy [ __ ] [ __ ] i call it you ever had polio [ __ ] polio was not a [ __ ] that got polio the pussy's so good you just put your dick in it that [ __ ] gave you polio oh god now it's so good oh it felt good that [ __ ] had me falling around [ __ ] i couldn't go nowhere where you going i'm right behind you you even had [ __ ] [ __ ] good she's in your house she go in the bathroom [ __ ] you be outside the door [ __ ] you in there dog you've been in that too goddamn long what is that doing woman i'm right in here taking a [ __ ] the [ __ ] come out where you going i'm going to the store i'm going with you y'all remember i disappeared off the scene for like two three years [ __ ] that [ __ ] was that good i couldn't leave [ __ ] cause you know women [ __ ] i think like your occupation you know if you [ __ ] a doctor she gonna [ __ ] like a doctor you know just uh flex your gluteus maximus you know i mean you [ __ ] ain't crazy [ __ ] crazy women [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] oh god damn [ __ ] i sat at that [ __ ] house my mama came over she said baby ain't nobody seeing you in about three years i seen yourself monster you ain't doing no movies no more you ain't doing tv you ain't even touring that what you're doing you're just underneath this spanking nasty [ __ ] she said she didn't put the roots on you now [ __ ] i didn't know what the [ __ ] the roots mean i don't remember what you talking about the roots [ __ ] i said did she make you some kind of gravy or spaghetti i said every three days i didn't know [ __ ] this [ __ ] making me period panty spaghetti [ __ ] i'm sitting up in that brainwash my mama said here to kill a [ __ ] you make this [ __ ] a special clam chowder all right yeah [ __ ] give her a clam chowder and get a pair of her panties and bear them in the backyard well as y'all can see i'm back to work so if [ __ ] ever happened to you you know the killer when i was a kid you know they take you on these field trips i was like six seven years old they take you to the zoo so we went to the monkey exhibit and they wasn't doing monkey [ __ ] they wasn't moving so [ __ ] i started throwing rocks at them i wanted to see them do mother [ __ ] that monkey loaded up [ __ ] five and it hit a [ __ ] right here and it was hot that's how i became funny two years of kids don't give a [ __ ] kids [ __ ] with me all the time hey monkey [ __ ] ass he better learn how to clown back hey [ __ ] monkeys yeah they full of [ __ ] but i think that was god talking to me really that's god's way of saying [ __ ] you the [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] i've been telling jokes so [ __ ] wrong [ __ ] i used to do this [ __ ] for free on the corner yeah i never had to buy weed he's like get his little [ __ ] dog sack he gonna go all night and i did too [ __ ] hey they mamas be on the porch i told y'all eddie chrysler look at him he can do anybody the boys will mimic i said what are you talking about woman see that [ __ ] doing me and you gonna make it keep going baby you keep going i appreciate the [ __ ] out to my old sisters man [ __ ] only family members will come outside that boy ain't gonna be [ __ ] he's going to jail like his uncle i'm in my head a principal told me i wasn't gonna be [ __ ] [ __ ] you ain't gonna never be [ __ ] [ __ ] you're getting suspended you're always clowning in clyde's [ __ ] you ain't gonna be [ __ ] out there show you how god work i [ __ ] around i become famous right i go back home to kansas city missouri [ __ ] i did a concert million theater five thousand sleep sold the [ __ ] out there was a line around the line around the belt and if you can wrap your head around that i spotted this [ __ ] principal in line to get a ticket i told my limo driver slow down oh i got bougie in a [ __ ] slow down [ __ ] i'll roll the winner down [ __ ] you ain't gonna never be [ __ ] on with y'all's only you don't tell no kid ain't gonna be [ __ ] even if they ain't gonna be [ __ ] now we own this election cycle again [ __ ] all right and trump [ __ ] [ __ ] this [ __ ] trump untouchable [ __ ] they did this mueller report [ __ ] what did that take two three [ __ ] years [ __ ] fbi can't get him see i ain't can't get it this [ __ ] god we need you you're gonna have to come down and get this orange [ __ ] the sunny d is untouchable and i don't like the democrats don't get it twisted democrats to me and some [ __ ] [ __ ] all they do is [ __ ] apologize every day i want to apologize for 1972 biden apologizer for touching a bitch's shoulder now i want to know who this [ __ ] is that a [ __ ] touch your shoulder and you think you're getting raped [ __ ] you ain't had dick ever you should have thanked that man for the [ __ ] shoulder massage trump don't apologize for [ __ ] you got to respect this gangster you know that [ __ ] nuts be dragging the ground leaving orange juice trails trump did you grab a [ __ ] i'ma grab another one tonight i invited tiger woods over to the white house and we can get some grabbing [ __ ] together i mean i'm gonna give him an award trump don't give a [ __ ] that racist [ __ ] i don't like this [ __ ] man cause he want all [ __ ] in jail or dead he don't want no mexicans in this country whatsoever paco i'm here to tell you don't go nowhere stay [ __ ] we need you [ __ ] yeah they trying to turn back the clock y'all beware cause the trump show is just what it's always been a reality show that's just to keep your ass busy [ __ ] he do so much [ __ ] every day it tires you out you wake up in the morning and he just did some [ __ ] already you go to work by the time you get home what the [ __ ] did all after day [ __ ] if obama did five of the things this [ __ ] pulled off every day they hung that [ __ ] on national tv and charge you to see it you know how hard it was to be that [ __ ] [ __ ] that clean this [ __ ] didn't have one [ __ ] blemish [ __ ] you know how hard it is for a [ __ ] not to do something [ __ ] i'm gonna [ __ ] up in about 15 minutes just keep watching yeah [ __ ] i'm from kansas city missouri [Applause] [Music] yeah obama from chicago but if you listen to white people he's from nigeria somewhere over there uganda and baja trump [ __ ] ass [ __ ] this [ __ ] yeah but it's all right [ __ ] y'all trying to turn back the clock white people i'm here to you i ain't going i want you mother white people in here to look around at the [ __ ] sitting close to you we ain't our father's father's father you ain't gonna never hear yells [ __ ] i'm going to hell in jail you pick which [Applause] one for real though i couldn't have been no slave man master would have killed me in five minutes [Applause] with this mouthpiece kill that damn [ __ ] put that smart [ __ ] down put him down he keeps talking he's riling up the rest of them put him down cause they always say we come from slaves [ __ ] we don't come from no [ __ ] slaves we come from kings and queens you understand me they act like our history started in roots [ __ ] i seen roose i didn't like that [ __ ] film man in the movie they always had us picking cotton in the hot sun singing like it's a happy thing lord jesus jesus [ __ ] run they gonna kill your ass anyway make a run for it [ __ ] took off everything and you know back then [ __ ] when you ran if they caught you they would cut something off i did it so many times i'd have been a head and a torso still trying to get away ain't [ __ ] they're gonna wire them they're gonna get a little worm and they'll wear them at it again they gotta gang back they caught my ass no arms no legs hey what you gonna do eddie took your arms and your legs i still got my dick life is always good with the day [ __ ] i can still get some [ __ ] it's all right with me [ __ ] how you how you [ __ ] i tell the [ __ ] pull me up in here why don't they call you they call me a pogo stick don't worry about it white folks your time's coming oh yeah if karma has any kind of validity in reality and it does the law of commons says what what goes around i can't hear you [ __ ] what goes around sally scott jill she's going down i'm telling you you're gonna have a real good time when i on you i'm gonna treat you right bob jill i'm gonna let you pick cockney tonight that way your skin don't burn up i'm only gonna beat you on thursdays at 7 30. i got [ __ ] to do and it's gonna be a whole lot of light-skinned wash day day prince looking [ __ ] kids on my planet uh sally you gonna [Applause] she gonna come out the barn every day morning and [ __ ] wouldn't stop sally what are you gonna do he [ __ ] you every night what are you gonna do about it i'm gonna move in i love them white people i don't think you couldn't have been a slave y'all too soft look he got that face like whatever [ __ ] we could have did it you can barely take five minutes let me talk [ __ ] right now without turning around and let alone me [ __ ] your wife i think all the black slave owners will be on their push yeah let them go no let all of them go they ain't worth it down [ __ ] i got a hundred white swags i ain't got a bushel of cotton out these [ __ ] all they do is lay on the ground and burn up on you and [ __ ] all the time then when you put them in the sun you got to grease them down first and then suntan lotion ain't cheap [ __ ] these [ __ ] ain't cost effective they're bad for business i'll tell you what i'll sell you all 100 of my white slaves for one mexican chuck y'all one mexican to pick like a thousand [ __ ] but they hard to catch yeah they go underground oh y'all been trying to catch pacos for three years i know he's down there with that gold necklace on i can hear him in the distance late at night he homes y'all need us white people you don't want to get rid of me need ned white people need us i mean who you gonna have to blame your ineptitude on if i ain't here hey white people need us so they can point their finger why you ain't [ __ ] that cause of [ __ ] [ __ ] is only reason i ain't got something and the mexicans have taken all their jobs i didn't know you want to leave blow how the [ __ ] they taking your jobs yeah the mexicans ain't taking your jobs [ __ ] the technology is robots took everybody goddamn job you used to have a factory job you work with your hands now a robot can do that [ __ ] they don't need us it ain't just you man we're all unemployed [Applause] everybody's sick of a goddamn robot [ __ ] you ain't got to do healthcare for no [ __ ] robot and i'm sick of these [ __ ] saying black people are using up all the healthcare no we ain't we only 12 of the population and [ __ ] don't go to the hospital we just sick we can't afford it [ __ ] and we don't trust doctors you go in the hospital i don't trust that [ __ ] what's in the needle yeah they trying to kill us [ __ ] i ain't taking [ __ ] people are crazy man i don't preach i teach [Applause] hell yeah you want a preacher you know how to find them every sunday [ __ ] you remember the [ __ ] they came and shout out to black church they can only pull that with black people you know we catch on quick you know i've been to a black church lately [ __ ] [ __ ] they got guns in church now and black churches when everybody get in there they lock the doors you understand man [ __ ] got a knock to get in church uh i was trying to uh come and praise uh christ that's when the [ __ ] behind the door no no we don't we don't praise christ here we praise the lord see this code where i see white people say christ the [ __ ] we going to see the lord hell yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] white people been killing up everybody what's going on with y'all just last week they tried to say it was that brother that killed the [ __ ] at the job they ain't tricking me [ __ ] that [ __ ] was dead already and they said he was a shooter cause they tired of the [ __ ] story that the white man is killing everybody so they made the [ __ ] to shoot him why is he already dead you understand me and you know [ __ ] that it was somebody white again because if i can think it [ __ ] they did it what's wrong oh no i'm making you my white representative tonight you shouldn't have sat that close no i'm gonna [ __ ] with you i'll give a [ __ ] here's a [ __ ] [ __ ] what is wrong yo can y'all get fired white people get fired and go kill everybody the job [ __ ] we're getting fired all the time we don't go kill nobody they come to us you're fired get my [ __ ] chest i ain't like this [ __ ] ass job no goddamn way give my [ __ ] jack are we gonna send you a check in the mail nah [ __ ] i'm leaving today my money leaving what i need give my [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] be on the block later on hey what happened that [ __ ] told me i'm fired [ __ ] [ __ ] i cashed this [ __ ] got some weed [ __ ] light it up white people get fired they nice to white people you know when they follow us you're fine white people get fired [ __ ] a whole different way of fine ned oh god i don't even know how to tell you this oh [ __ ] i hate doing this man i mean it's it's not me it's coming from upstairs i got to let you go in there you got to [ __ ] let me go well that's some kind of [ __ ] joke come on i've been working here 27 [ __ ] years you're going to tell me i'm [ __ ] fired is this that's how i was [ __ ] girls man i got a [ __ ] mortgage i got a wife i got four kids and a dog named peter you told me i'm [ __ ] fired i'm [ __ ] fired i'm [ __ ] fine that's right when they said no [ __ ] they should no run [ __ ] you see that [ __ ] come to work the next day shoot on briefcase that's good hey [ __ ] [ __ ] dead [Music] [ __ ] never get shot on the job [ __ ] when that [ __ ] go round cause we aware of our surroundings that [ __ ] ned come back the next day [ __ ] be on them a [ __ ] job ain't that man didn't they fire that [ __ ] yesterday [ __ ] it's time to take a long lunch white people y'all just the opposite y'all too [ __ ] nosy i think that's why y'all got the pointed nose your noses then come back the next day your [ __ ] be that god that's that's dead [ __ ] he looks distraught [ __ ] man hard way to go come on let's go try to cheer him up [ __ ] when [ __ ] leave come with us we know something we got street spider senses you know that's from being on the block [ __ ] like they about to kill that [ __ ] earl [ __ ] we be at the club [ __ ] dancing like a [ __ ] all these [ __ ] about to shoot this [ __ ] up [ __ ] we don't stop dancing i talk about you white people because of care they're trying to help you y'all do [ __ ] that no other culture does god damn it this is the uh white people getting chewed up by shark season i'm 52 years old all the years i've been on this earth y'all keep getting chewed up by sharks when the [ __ ] y'all gonna learn why do y'all go out that far that's wedding yet you ain't heard of a chewed up [ __ ] nowhere on earth we go waist high y'all seeing us at the beach splashing around making it look like we're doing some [ __ ] [ __ ] fill some seaweed [Laughter] i joke around man love who you love you understand me i see interracial couples in here [ __ ] and my [ __ ] you know you're with your white woman tonight you're taking a chance that's all i'm saying love who you love but [ __ ] you taking a chance she got that phone call she can make man all she got to do is 9-1-1 he's raping me [ __ ] you going to jail who do you think they going to believe [ __ ] i ain't [ __ ] around sally you're safe with him but love who you love man you know how hard it is for y'all to be in the interracial relationship y'all was probably tortured on the way in this room cause [ __ ] be talking [ __ ] sister's cold [ __ ] look at that [ __ ] with that white [ __ ] couldn't handle us huh never hey go get you a snow bunny neal probably little dick [ __ ] we didn't want your black ass no wait leroy be walking solid sally come on they're gonna kill us brothers we the same way we see a sister with a white dude we go the [ __ ] off get your money [ __ ] get your money [ __ ] yeah you couldn't handle that anaconda huh get your money since we're like what i was just saying something hey [ __ ] you love who you love man but that's some rough [ __ ] [ __ ] you in a a [ __ ] relationship that's you know white and black leroy and charlie sally you got it rough you better really love leroy cause that's the only [ __ ] you gonna have cause [ __ ] white family's kicked y'all out the family the white family's cold get your ass out of this god damn face sally bringing that [ __ ] to my goddamn huh hey coming in here what am i supposed to cook some [ __ ] fried chicken i ain't cooking no [ __ ] fried chicken you're out of family you're out of [ __ ] will get your [ __ ] good heart [ __ ] ass sally leave the house god damn leroy you're all i have leroy trying to take him to take her to his mama house you already know so listen you ain't bringing that white [ __ ] in there you ain't bringing that white [ __ ] in my house leroy i told you better than this never what i'm supposed to cook kitchen i don't cook no goddamn fish yo black ass out of here with that snow buddy never you can't come in this goddamn house till you get a [ __ ] with cornrows leroy lead house they're all i got sally and they wandered the earth together [ __ ] why you see them walk like that they all alone hell yeah the two most racist [ __ ] on earth is a white man and a black woman you understand me yeah white man don't give a [ __ ] sister don't give a [ __ ] the only cure for that kind of relationship is when they have a baby y'all had a baby yet you got to you got two see you're back in the family cause only the babies can cure that racism you bring that baby over to that sister's house it's my grandbaby lord he got that good hair he got the skin the wind then sally come on in here girl i said [ __ ] yeah i went on that food network i learned how to make that quiche come on in here you take him over that redneck huh he's my goddamn grandson and then little [ __ ] got a permanent tan i mean look at the size of the balls on this [ __ ] wow look at how big his hands are we're going to the nfl [Applause] [Music] [Applause] know who you love man [ __ ] my wife's korean [ __ ] [ __ ] i'm sleeping with the enemy i'm dating kim yum yum's [ __ ] sister look at sisters look at them like [ __ ] what you doing with that korean chick i was married to three of y'all y'all had a chance yeah now i got 10 beautiful children man thank you [Applause] [ __ ] looking at me like damn [ __ ] don't judge my [ __ ] ability to take care of my kids by your wallet all ten of mine finding a [ __ ] and most of them grown anyway you think i just got my four youngest with me the rest of the first crop i call them first crop gone you know my oldest is 33. my youngest is 5. hell yeah i got my first grandson and he five [ __ ] they go to school together only in the black family and you know the greatest joy of my life outside of seeing smiles on your face doing this job that i love to do is watching my youngest son and my grandson hang out you know i tour on the weekends man so sunday's all day y'all called junior up junior bring my grandson over man so they sitting there i'm trying to teach them how to shoot pool you know can't see the missouri you know there's a lot of pool houses we shoot pool back home so i'm like you got to get the angle of the dangle [ __ ] they ain't paying no attention to me just listen to them two little [ __ ] talking killing me hey nephew come here let me highlight you your teacher came and talked to me again today yeah cause i'm your uncle she told me that you [ __ ] on yourself again no no no [ __ ] i was out of pull-ups at age two you know you're making the griffin family look bad [ __ ] on yourself man and that little asian chick in the corner with the wooden blocks with the little letters on it that's me [ __ ] back up [ __ ] my grandson yeah huh if she was yours she wouldn't be hollering i said look at this little player hey my grandson is half mexican half black yeah my son married a mexican lady [ __ ] i call him my little mexi [ __ ] when he come by i'm making tacos with collard greens burritos with mac and cheese in it you know just so he get both sides of his culture and he'd be trying to teach me spanish you know he called me pop-pop pop-pop cause he used to say granddad i'm like hey [ __ ] i ain't that old i look too good to be grinning wait till i get old ragley i say there's paw paw nick papa he say papa que pasa i said no uh that's at your mama house it's what up [ __ ] over here try that what up [ __ ] my oldest daughter [ __ ] just turned 17. hey yeah it's that season [ __ ] i just bought two more guns cause this is when the little ignite [ __ ] start coming by trying to take them on dates and then [ __ ] act like we don't remember being them young mother come to the door hey uh mr griffin how you doing man man i really like you an undercover brother man that was my joy man and i was wondering if i could check your daughter out to me now [ __ ] the one i really don't trust he's too nice when they're too nice this is the freak you know the [ __ ] comes hello mr griffin i was wondering if i could acquire your daughter's hand and going i said [ __ ] get the [ __ ] away he said no really i love to take her to the movies i said what movie you talking about saying this [ __ ] told me to title this i was like well i'm in the writers guild screen actors guild the records guild they send the movies for me to screen them so i could vote on who should get the award i just happened to have that movie come on in i brought that [ __ ] inside him on the couch i said y'all want some popcorn i wasn't in the kitchen you know don't microwave [ __ ] one minute 25 seconds threw it on the table [ __ ] and gave both of them a coke i sat right between them yeah we're gonna watch this movie my daughter like you can't shut the [ __ ] up you kidding me i said shut the [ __ ] up i said so uh yeah what's your name little fellow yeah yeah hey hey check it out what's your intentions young man well you act like i didn't used to be your age hey you thought you was gonna get my daughter in that dark movie theater and go and didn't run to school the next day hey man smell my finger that [ __ ] left my house i ain't seen any sense my daughter's still mad at me get on my nerves you always doing so shut the [ __ ] up [ __ ] out of here you ain't [ __ ] around my house you finishing a four-year university i already paid the [ __ ] [ __ ] give a [ __ ] you can stay mad goddammit sure i ain't your [ __ ] friend i'm your father all right hey you wanna run away run on [ __ ] i got nine more i ain't gonna [ __ ] i love my daughters the devil man you know what i mean but they the hardest to deal with you know first i had all boys that's just easy you know i've been a boy [ __ ] take the trash out dude take yourself okay trash i can't touch my daughters man any other man in here like that when you can't that's my little queen my little princess man all they got to do is back to my eyes at me take everything then i have to go to my wife hey baby uh need you to go get my money back you got to work as a team let's go get it go get it i hear my wife in the room give me that goddamn money what i tell you about working that [ __ ] that's my [ __ ] money god damn it i'm sucking the comedy dick [ __ ] my wife come back in the bedroom like 15 minutes go by she ain't told me [ __ ] about my money i said uh baby you want to bring up the the money uh what you listening i said yeah my money now [ __ ] i said i sucked the comedy dick it's my money [ __ ] i couldn't say [ __ ] geez you took the money put it in your mouth well yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] like i said i'm 52. [ __ ] i need some head you know i mean we don't [ __ ] like we used to i'm be honest [ __ ] when i see the older man here now hey come on be quiet now speak with yourself see you on a 50 [ __ ] your dick dies sometimes you can feel it you all right and he'll look up at you you try to jack him off like when you use the teenager come on man come back [ __ ] leave me alone just freak i'm tired i'm tired years [ __ ] i'm a soldier that's why i got a helmet i'll stay in the trenches [ __ ] back and fall in and out we ain't got no more bullets left i'm shooting there eddie look at that leave me alone leave me alone put me back in the drawers then you take one of them cialis reporting for duty sir [Applause] now i just tell my wife you know i'll be honest with you i'm like you know i need a jump start you getting rid of that [ __ ] you over 50 baby i need a jump start you get a [ __ ] [Applause] don't laugh ladies i see y'all [ __ ] y'all [ __ ] dying right now the old [ __ ] dies dies it's beat up his whole [ __ ] life gravity don't give a [ __ ] [ __ ] it pulls on them lips this motherfucker's getting longer as [ __ ] [ __ ] it look like that extra bologna meat on the side of the bread don't nobody want no [ __ ] they gotta roll up to get look at what you're doing i'm rolling this [ __ ] up so i can hit it how many of y'all have a [ __ ] woman on the pitch i don't [ __ ] y'all lying ass [ __ ] now y'all gonna be in the sls [ __ ] you're a lying [ __ ] ain't no man gonna wait no goddamn week on no [ __ ] that's why every household got that old raggedy towel lay that towel down so we don't [ __ ] these sheets up hey that's the only time a little dick [ __ ] probably feels like he did something blood everywhere [ __ ] it's a crime scene get the forensics hell yeah that i ain't saying i got the biggest dick on earth but [ __ ] i get return visits yeah yeah they get a [ __ ] to look for you you ain't seen her in a long time you did something the last time if you don't get a return visit you can't [ __ ] and women talk if you got a little dick your whole block no all women can't help themselves you wouldn't be walking down the street uh-huh that [ __ ] talked all that [ __ ] eddie showed up with his little brother's dick the [ __ ] whipped his dick out i threw baby powder on it [Applause] if i had a little dick i would kill myself no god give me all this [ __ ] talent and [ __ ] [ __ ] and opportunity and no dick just kill yourself yo [ __ ] show up [ __ ] well that's all you got i kill myself yeah [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] that's why i got 10 kids i be deep up in them i make the furniture move all up in the chest if you can't have kids it's cause your dick is small you dropping the sperm off so far away from the egg they die before they ever get there how deep is this [ __ ] we've been swimming for [ __ ] for months some of them never get in there little big [ __ ] bust on the outside they be swimming around the lips i dropped mine off right at the egg they come out thanks for the ride get you ready hell [ __ ] if y'all don't remember a [ __ ] thing i said tonight please remember this you're born a winner everybody in this room is a winner you understand me when our fathers busted a nut every time we busted nut there's billions of sperm only one can make it to the egg we all made it there first [ __ ] you born the winner stop letting the world teach your ass how to lose when we got to that egg [ __ ] you must have nothing wow [ __ ] i got this [ __ ] you getting the egg [ __ ] i'm in this [ __ ] i won [ __ ] i'm calling [ __ ] i'm coming the sperm that don't make it man that's [ __ ] up [ __ ] i've been next to you for five years and this [ __ ] left nut never come on let another [ __ ] in we could be twins too late [ __ ] i'm already mutated pop now what we gonna do this old arrogant [ __ ] ain't letting nobody else in selfish ass [ __ ] you ain't gonna be [ __ ] you're gonna work at mcdonald's with a paper hat [ __ ] i had doctor in me pop what we gonna do junior this ain't gonna go good for us we're gonna have to swim back the way we can we're gonna end up in that bitch's spanish yeah they're gonna call us a discharge then we gonna dry out it's gonna be a crunchy crouch [Applause] that [ __ ] gonna be looking for something in the dirty clothes and come across the crunchy crouch he's gonna be intrigued he's gonna squeeze us we're gonna flake off like snowflakes now that's if we ain't a good honest woman what if he busted nothing we end up in a nasty stinky [ __ ] we swim back the way we came and another nigga's eating a [ __ ] we end up in this [ __ ] throat i don't want to be in those other [ __ ] i'll take the crunchy panties every day hey jun you want to do me a favor swim up ahead and seal the closest clip [ __ ] what y'all thought y'all was just gonna see comedy tonight i got magic in my show i got a magical [ __ ] hand to show up with this look at my wife in here i want a [ __ ] hand i used to have whole [ __ ] you [ __ ] it up oh [ __ ] hey you going over there [ __ ] and you replacement y'all need to try this drink too [ __ ] i was called to eddie griffin is champagne mixed with a shot of patron oh i know y'all didn't think i'd be getting this [ __ ] up just on champagne instead patron that don't leave you alone get off in your dome and make you miss your home that's why i be sipping these [ __ ] cause patrons don't give a [ __ ] because stronghold your ass stuck nah there's gonna be some hard [ __ ] in here talking [ __ ] give me 17 whatever that little [ __ ] had y'all gonna see that [ __ ] later at the club [ __ ] patron have your body talk to itself ledge how we doing i wouldn't take another step about you you're gonna bust your [ __ ] head that's why i locked up i locked up [ __ ] hey lungs we need air eyes i can't see it is huh huh hot okay it's all over dick how you doing i already pissed all over the shoes well you ever been so [ __ ] up you throw up in your own hat i had one nipple nice [ __ ] that was a [ __ ] y'all remember the [ __ ] called sherm we call them wet daddies back home so this is partner mine [ __ ] [ __ ] junebug [ __ ] he was a neighborhood dope fan and one night he came back [ __ ] with a little joint you know i smoked weed but i didn't know what the [ __ ] that was stumped and i hit that [ __ ] thinking this regular weed i hit it hit it hit it hit it that shine make you heat up [ __ ] i started taking everything off [ __ ] i'm running down the street [ __ ] naked with just my hat on they said i jumped over over to the i-70 freeway and was pissing on cars coming by so they called my first wife calling carla come and get edited this [ __ ] [ __ ] up so carla pulled up we had this buick laser [ __ ] she pulled up [ __ ] what is wrong with you what did they give you i don't know baby but i'm at work she said huh i said i got to wash the cars i got a restaurant she said get your ass in the goddamn car [ __ ] i sat in the back seat cause i always wanted to be famous so i made him feel like a limo driver i got in the back seat [ __ ] [ __ ] i'm back there [ __ ] up [ __ ] i don't know what it is when we hire but ladies this is the only time we can tell y'all how we really love you you know we sober you like baby do you love him what the hell are you talking about baby do you love me there's a food refrigerator it's the lights home what the [ __ ] you ask me stupid [ __ ] [ __ ] when we [ __ ] up man man when y'all hear that you already know y'all getting ready to get your sense babe man i love you man i love you man i don't i i love you i love you you take care of me when i don't take care of me i love you baby i love i ain't never getting that [ __ ] up again [ __ ] i threw up in my [ __ ] hat [ __ ] [ __ ] start bubbling and put that [ __ ] back on i woke up the next morning [ __ ] had all kind of corn and [ __ ] in the [ __ ] fro it took two days to get that [ __ ] out and you know what [ __ ] me up every time you throw up why is there corn i ain't had corn since last [ __ ] july where the [ __ ] the coin keep coming from you take a [ __ ] there's corn it's like corn just hang out in your intestines i'll leave when i want to leave ladies don't get it twisted though we love you like a [ __ ] whoever wrote this statement was real honest man can't live with you can't live without you living with you is a [ __ ] y'all [ __ ] will find a way to [ __ ] up a relationship when it's right at its best y'all man i don't know why y'all do it it's autopilot things are too good i must [ __ ] it up you know what i'm saying this is when you finally like [ __ ] damn i love my wife man look at my beautiful children look at this house [ __ ] we doing this [ __ ] we need to talk about what see that's what i'm talking about you don't even know what i want to talk about why do y'all play that [ __ ] rid of me [ __ ] [ __ ] what the [ __ ] you want to say ain't no goddamn psychic you didn't notice i did my head your hair this is what we talking about i didn't notice you did your [ __ ] hair you did it you like it you gonna [ __ ] up this relationship with that [ __ ] all right [ __ ] let's play this game you didn't notice i got a new gray hair on my left nut now we both didn't notice some [ __ ] [Laughter] that's when they ran out the room [ __ ] buy the game on ladies we love you but we need your help you understand me i think that we need a female president myself real talk yeah i mean cause america's [ __ ] up right now you know mother was talking about man it's the greatest country on earth no we not we steal kids from their parents down at our [ __ ] and butter in the south [ __ ] we kidnapped [ __ ] kids that ain't nothing to be proud of this this nation ain't great it's like being an alcoholic you can't cure yourself till you admit you [ __ ] up as long as we keep running around lying to ourselves marriage greater country on earth no [ __ ] we [ __ ] up and we got to fix this [ __ ] it needs a mother and spirit cause me and we got testosterone all we gonna do is look at how big my dick is roll the [ __ ] up ha ha we need a female up in there to caress this nation [ __ ] raise this [ __ ] up and turn it back into a family [Applause] but once a goddamn month we gonna have to take the missile codes from her yeah that pms [ __ ] that [ __ ] get the code blow up everybody cause women y'all bad [ __ ] y'all can work while you're on your period you know you're on your period for a week you don't die you got the string hanging and still go to work going to work that's because men are in charge you understand i believe every woman should get that week off when they're on their period with pain [ __ ] you understand me cause you don't want that [ __ ] at a job anyway that fish coming to work what y'all looking at what the [ __ ] are your eyes baby just going home just go home that's why it's called pms [ __ ] pain misery and [ __ ] [ __ ] if men had periods watch how quick that law would pass if we had periods [ __ ] because we got testosterone it'd be a whole different trip [ __ ] be walking around [ __ ] i'm on my bed [ __ ] what's wrong with you [ __ ] i got blood coming out my dick [ __ ] i got to wear this cotton sleeve with the twisty top move my beard [ __ ] and [ __ ] it'd be a period walk [ __ ] women would know that [ __ ] on the spirit look at the wall everybody be sounding like bernie mac what the [ __ ] you looking at [ __ ] [ __ ] look at that [ __ ] come on y'all know when you're on your period y'all still go to a club then they'll meet in the bathroom girl you got a i i ran out you know [ __ ] said [ __ ] like that here you go girl one size fit off [ __ ] we had pigs [ __ ] be in the bathroom hey hey my [ __ ] you got an extra sleeve on you here you go [ __ ] what do you do with this little bitty [ __ ] i need the junk bowls [ __ ] [ __ ] i'm wearing white i got to go this [ __ ] about the show [Laughter] i went back home to kansas city a few weeks ago so my uncle james has got fourth stage cancer so he called me up [ __ ] and uh he said eddie uh they told me you know i don't know how much uh time i got left and uh you're my favorite nephew i want you to come back you know so i want to be able to tell all the well not everybody in the family just the ones i love i just want to be able to tell all of y'all to kiss my black ass one last time i said i'd be honored to come back and let you tell me to kiss your black ass one last time so [ __ ] i gathered up to cousins and family from l.a and out here in vegas [ __ ] we flew back home we had james house [ __ ] james had a table set up with every liquor you could think of weed all kind of [ __ ] i said [ __ ] he said you ain't got to bring [ __ ] [ __ ] i'm dying i sold the house [ __ ] we gonna drink up the crib tonight [ __ ] we sitting there getting drunk and [ __ ] and [ __ ] look those have been fans of mine for a while remember dysfunctional family y'all met my uncles curtis james bucky and my mama right so [ __ ] they all sitting around now our generation listened to these [ __ ] talk [ __ ] they were sitting there with one of them's wives and they could talk about yeah we all [ __ ] up i think james was the first one to [ __ ] with you james no bucky's [ __ ] bucky got it first and then uh curtis hit it and she right there saying yep yep uh it was you james i [ __ ] you first uh bucky lost [ __ ] ass at dancing [ __ ] i had to give him some [ __ ] and i gave uh uh uh curtis some big old horse dick [ __ ] i didn't go back there no more but i stayed with you james cause you had the right stroke [ __ ] me and my brother my cousin was sitting there [ __ ] we ain't gonna have no stories to match this [ __ ] with our little youngest when we the old [ __ ] sitting around playing big wheels hey baby bro yeah yeah they should remember that time i didn't [ __ ] your wife you remember that time you didn't [ __ ] none of mine born ass [ __ ] but he had a good time [ __ ] he sitting there he got [ __ ] up and drunk and then the [ __ ] went to the hospital and they told him he's got at least 17 more years this [ __ ] dropped the house up this ain't gonna be homeless for 17 years i ain't gonna let the [ __ ] go home and [ __ ] i bought the [ __ ] house back [Applause] you such a great dad with your kids [ __ ] you didn't have a father i said [ __ ] i made a promise i'm gonna be the father that i always wanted i know that's right it's easy to do [ __ ] as a kid you know what you want a father to do well [ __ ] that's what i'm doing for mine young man [ __ ] we're gonna go play catch [ __ ] all right [ __ ] let's knuckle up [ __ ] tighten that jab up twist it [ __ ] twist it yummy drop that hook on him [ __ ] you know just basic [ __ ] take the trash out little [ __ ] well yeah [ __ ] daughters are so hard to raise me [ __ ] terrorists [ __ ] they hustlers you give your son a football he'll play with that same football until he make it to the pros making money playing football you buy your daughter a barbie dog that needs a kindle now they need friends now you need an apartment now they need a car now they need some [ __ ] clothes and [ __ ] this [ __ ] going for 18 years they'll break your ass why you thinking about her father's so happy to give his daughter away the wedding uh [ __ ] is your problem now i hope you got a good job that little [ __ ] broke me and god made sure they can't come back because you get married your last name changed she tried to come back daddy she was wondering if you could help us on the light bill he just lost his job i told you the [ __ ] wasn't [ __ ] when you brought it by the house but no you were so loved let's see if love will turn the lights back on i only take ed griffin's using williams now all right let me get out of here y'all got to go cause i got another show in september it take a minute to get ready for this [ __ ] look at here y'all y'all been wonderful i'm e.g gc god's child one time for your mind and never let a hater rent a [ __ ] moment of time in your mind take the lord with you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Music] sitting today [Music]

Channel: faith's team

Views: 414,142

Rating: 4.815897 out of 5

Keywords: stand up comedy, comedian, comedy, racial, protest, eddie griffin

Id: wV2N1I8if_E

Length: 57min 52sec (3472 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 07 2020