DAVE CHAPPELLE is a great STORYTELLER

there's a trans woman sitting in the audience this is true story it was like a few weeks ago i did six shows that weekend this trans woman came to four of them calls herself daphne man this chick daphne was in there cracking the up at everything i said about everybody it was amazing she was laughing and it was fun to watch her laugh you could tell she was letting go with something that was heavy and she threw her head back and she smiled with all her teeth she was having a great time and the more fun she had i felt bad because i knew i had some trans jokes on low and i thought to myself maybe i shouldn't say these jokes because i don't want to like her evening up she's having so much fun but then i thought to myself well if i can't say it in front of us should i say this at all so i let it rip to my surprise daphne laughed harder than trans jokes than anybody in the room in fact everybody in the room would look at her to make sure it was okay and i got off stages in the dressing room i was like well it's a weird show i'm i'm sitting in a dress room by myself just trying to figure out like what the just happened out there like why is it that this one woman can't take any of these jokes and daphne can take all of these jokes so weird and then i realized ah daphne used to be a man so now i go out of the dressing room and and like you can see like all the the staff is there like cleaning the club up the audience had gone and sitting at the bar by herself was daphne and she's like hey dave come join me for a drink and i don't want to think that i'm transphobic or nothing something like i i guess i could have at least drink and we get some tequila and we're sitting there and and she was cool turns out the daphne she wants to be a comedian she was asking me for advice i told her advice and all that and then she says to me she says boy you sure do get a bad rap for your trans jokes i said daphne thank you but you don't have to say that i hope i didn't offend you she goes no no no no she said in fact i read about you in the new york times i said you did she said yeah she said i thought it was interesting that they blamed you for r kelly they said you normalized them for telling jokes about it i go yeah yeah they said that she goes i wonder why they never said that she normalized transgenders by telling jokes about us and i never thought about that it never occurred to me and we started making out and then like i i reached up just to see what it felt like i was like oh what is what and it felt like did that was just like now i was hanging out with a friend of mine he's a white guy you know we were just hanging out and we were lost in the city you know he's smoking a joint now i don't know if it's a coincidence that we were lost and high and but my wife buddy he was smoking a joint dave dave it's the goddamn cops i'm gonna ask him for directions i said chip no chip don't do it it was too late he was walking over there this man was high as excuse me excuse me sir touching him and excuse me you need some information uh it's not confessing things you shouldn't confess i'm a little high all i want to know which way is third street the cow was like hey take it easy you're on third street you better be careful go ahead move it move it that's all that happened that's the end of the story now i know that's not amazing of some of you but yes one of these black fellas that is incredible isn't it i'm saying a black man would never dream of talking to the police high that's a waste of weed serious i mean i'll be scared to talk to the police when i'm sleepy they around get the wrong ideas you know oh my god that was on pcp johnson i had to use necessary force you saw them no no no paperwork just just sprinkle some crack on them let's get out of here that's how it is but at the time i didn't think was anything racial about it i was just like man chip you got lucky better be careful but then another time me and chip are driving now i'm not driving chip is driving and he's driving a little crazy he's been drinking i don't like to let my friends drive drunk but you know i was smoking a joint i couldn't really say to the guy and we get it a red light we stop at a red light and a car pulls up next to us and i'll never forget it chip he looks at me he's all drunk and she's like dave i'm gonna race him i knew it was a bad idea but i was high i tried to explain them it was a bad idea but all that came out well sometimes you got race huh man that light turned green and chip took off zig zagging and ships and no one could pass another car didn't know he was racing then the police seen us and pulled us over they understand i'm scared of i mean come on the car smells like weed i mean speeding this man is drunk was scared chip was not scared at all it was weird he didn't turn his radio down and it was weird a little bit i mean if you get pulled over once you turn your radio down nobody won't get their ass beat to a soundtrack and i'm saying chip had the music blasting we're not gonna take it just relax close your butt cheeks just relax let me do the talking you wanna know what he said that's almost exactly what he said i couldn't believe it he says oh oh sorry officer i i didn't know i couldn't do that i was shocked the cop said well now you know just get out of here just get the out of here [Applause] she said okay oh i will sir thank you what what's wrong with you dave i didn't know i couldn't do that he said that was good wasn't it because i did know i couldn't do that really you know who i'm gonna vote for next time if things keep going the way it's going is that gay dude no mike pence now this is the same club the punchline this is 15 years ago and i had just gotten back from from my infamous uh south africa trip and i came to the punch line just to cheer myself up it's a safe place where i could tell some jokes and i find out that this comedian i know chris tucker who's in all those rush hour movies i find out that chris is in san francisco too at some charity event so i call him like yo i just saw you at some charity event i said i'm doing a show at the punch line why don't you come by the club after your event is that cool dave i thought she was dead i'll come by he said he says is it okay if i bring some friends because you know i'm with a lot of people like man you chris tucker you can bring whatever the you want and then i show up to the club late that night i walk into the dressing room and sitting in the dressing room is uh gavin newsom who at the time was the mayor of san francisco but now he's the governor of california and sitting next to him was kamala harris who at the time was the d.a of san francisco now she's a senator from california that's front running on the democratic ticket and sit next to her was al gore it's weird sitting next to al gore was the guys from google sergey and i don't know how to say these all right and it was chris tucker and and ben jealous who at the time was the president of the naacp who was all just at this big charity dinner and and and paul mooney was drinking scotch and we all was just in there and you know first i was a little uncomfortable we started talking and we all got along really well at some point uh kama harris says she says to me she goes you know a friend of mine is announcing his candidacy for president tomorrow i went to college with him i'm like what i go barack obama she goes you've heard of him like yo i just read about this dude and she goes yo yeah we talking she goes you know what she says let's let's call him on the phone i said what the and she picks the phone up and she downs and she's listening like this and she goes ah this is voicemail and she gives me phone she goes leave me a message you know i didn't know what to say i just said what you say to any black dude is running for president you know stay low running his exact pattern this kind of [Applause] and then the last thing i say is you know what i said sir well i really do believe you can do this like man i'm wishing you luck now next day i wake up and go for coffee at a place called the embarcadero it's like an eatery by the sea in san francisco and i'm walking to the coffee shop and there's a police line and i can't cross the tape but then i figure i'm dave chappelle so i go into the thing like this and the police yoke me these like tackle me immediately and i see over the police shoulder gavin newsom i couldn't remember his name but i remember last the night before i had kept teasing him and said he looked like christian bale the guy from the batman movies uh so i see him and i can't remember anything so i'm just like batman help [Applause] and he stops just like dave and and then the police see that the mayor knows me so they're all like oh sorry about that goodbye and he's like hey back up everybody and he just picks me up he's like i'm really sorry about that i'm like i'm fine don't worry about it and he's like he's like listen i'm here with the prince would you like to meet him i'm like i know prince that's my and we go around the corner and it was prince charles the prince of england i didn't know the protocol of meeting royalty and not supposed to touch him i dapped him up like a mine just hugging them and like this dapping them up and that was cool too that's really weird and then i was just out there in the upside down not having no tv show trying to figure life out and the election was going on in the background and this guy barack obama was picking up steam this was killing it and i had a chance to go to the last debate on the democratic ticket and i went it's me and chris tucker sitting in myrtle beach south carolina it's the last three candidates it was barack obama john edwards and hillary clinton now obama is a lot taller than edwards and clinton and he had the center podium and at one point they're all on stage and they start fussing and obama goes look none of us are perfect like this his hands was like this and there was light shining behind his head and the other two candidates was looking up and they and i was sitting in the audience like this looks like jesus [Applause] and i realized in that moment that i was looking at the next president of the united states i was certain of it i couldn't explain it but i knew what i was seeing and i got really excited and i'm not that kind of guy i said i gotta meet this so i i stayed they were all on stage doing interviews and i just waited i was waiting and waiting and then john edwards was done with his interviews first because everybody knew he wasn't going to win and i see john edwards and i said hey hey senator edwards i just want to say hi and that look at me like hmm you you gonna lose anyway and then he left and then hillary clinton just walked by me and won the steve harvey suits [Applause] but obama was taking forever everybody wanted to talk to him when i knew the media saw exactly what i saw there was no question about it dad was the guy i waited and i waited and finally must have been over an hour and a half he finishes his last interview he was like thank you very much good to talk to you and he turns around and he's we make eye contact he sees me and when he sees me he looks up he goes dave chappelle and and obama did me the same way i did prince charles he like bro hugged me and he pulled me in and i'll never forget this he said in my ear i got your message thank you very much new york good night [Applause] you got to make life interesting like that because the is flimsy life is flimsy you think you're going to live but not going to live forever it's dangerous out here we know what's going on i travel now you know i usually think dc had the roughest ghettos in the country no i have seen some now oh there's some rough rough areas outside of dc yeah everybody should go to the ghetto i was taking it together one time that's the worst when you get taken you're not expecting to go you know usually you want to know when you're going to get it like i'm going to see some wild i got to prepare myself i'm going to do something crazy when you're taking it's different i had a limousine driver it was after a show it was late at night it's like three in the morning had a limousine drive he's a nice guy talking to me and oh hey where you from though dc word that's a rough city man and the cell phone started ringing hold on one second hello oh what's up what what the stole that what what the no no no that it i'm on my way hey i gotta make a stop real quick at three o'clock in the morning i didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first i started looking out the window i was like what the gun store gun store look at store gun store where the you taking me this don't look good he didn't say just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project now i've never been there before i'm not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familial symptoms of a project a crackhead ran this way and then another one jumped out of tree and [Applause] i said i'll be right back and left me took the keys with me just let me three o'clock in the morning in front of a project in a limousine this was not good i was like man i gotta look around see if i can see some landmarks and figure out where i'm at might have to escape on foot now this is when i know i was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember it's three o'clock in the morning it's three o'clock in the morning i look out the window it was a baby standing on the corner and the baby the baby didn't even look scared he was just standing there i mean it made me sad it made me say it really good because i wanted to help the baby i don't trust you either i'm sorry click click the old baby on the corner trick eh you're not gonna fall for that where's this limousine driver you know i stopped feeling bad as time goes by i start feeling worse like man what is wrong with me what the hell is wrong i am scared of a baby and this baby could be in trouble he might need my help i got to do something but i wasn't going to get out the car i'm serious man i just cracked the window a little bit there's a whole limousine i can roll it down [Applause] hey baby baby go home man it's three o'clock in the morning what the are you doing now [Applause] the baby said i'm selling weed i wasn't expecting that i'm sorry i had to buy two bags from the coma they're gonna get two when i get too funny [Applause] got back in the car and rolled me a joint man that was scary man every once in a while like a crack kid would come up to the car and look in the window it was like jurassic park and should he be looking on the con hey get out of here cracky that baby was still standing there man that's not feeling bad again yeah we make you feel guilty sometimes man what is wrong with me man i have just bought weed from from an infant i can't condone this kind of behavior what am i thinking i can't let the fear ruin my morals got to do something hey baby stop selling wheat all right you got your whole life ahead of you he said you i got kids to feed and this is that very moment when the crackheads run across the street and got hit by a car i know it was a hit and run the police did it that's all right they springed some crack on him he got back up [Music] you

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 314,085

Rating: 4.8851342 out of 5

Keywords: dave chappelle, dave chappelle standup stories, standup comedy, dave chappelle obama, dave chappelle jokes, dave chappelle 3 am, dave chappelle white friends, best of dave chappelle, funny, jokes, hilarious, laugh planet

Id: rf2SqnExL6A

Length: 22min 32sec (1352 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 23 2021