Bernie Mac LIVE from Anaheim Kings of Comedy Tour

white for here to see me what type of [ __ ] it did you know you made it when white folks come see you somebody close your legs i can't work like that close your goddamn legs type of [ __ ] is dead what type of [ __ ] is it can't work like this here we all people here look white folk major you're white or you're going to cry you you welcome i mean god damn boy you know you some [ __ ] but i can't tell you you're successful white people come see you ain't no different between white and black we're just saying some of them are [ __ ] all of us are the same up in here we all going down all of us are the same [ __ ] up individual all of them white black ain't no we just do [ __ ] different you know black post you know black folks don't get their nails and hair done i don't give a [ __ ] what going on may not be no food in the refrigerator might not be no light on but we're going to look good like a [ __ ] kids hungry like a some of my [ __ ] i didn't want you in the first place goddammit you know i ain't [ __ ] i'm telling you i air black folks somehow boy we like to keep up with some [ __ ] we're the only people to go to that job that's what we run that [ __ ] we tell the boss what the [ __ ] we ain't gonna do we come in bernie milken look here goddamn i'm not going on the west wing goddammit get peter to go over that [ __ ] i'll be doing this [ __ ] all goddamn night and don't let it be no telephone up in there we're gonna call everybody but who the [ __ ] we both [Applause] and the supervisor better now say [ __ ] to me you be on the phone supervisor come it's an argument bernie hold on hold on what sick of this [ __ ] man man call me back man this job be trippin [Applause] before black folks go to work we punch in we gotta check everybody else time cardo we gotta see who getting the [ __ ] overtime in this summer my [ __ ] ain't lobby god damn uncle tom ass fred getting all the god damn over time oh we funny hair dudes white folks life won't do the same [ __ ] but white people don't care about clothes and hair do they wear the same [ __ ] clothes every day take care of their business but we get those [ __ ] chandeliers hair dudes our hair dudes be hard on some of them a bit we sitting up in this they don't want no [ __ ] i had to be high the son of my [ __ ] johnny and we love to tell on something what black folks are telling you in a minute don't tell me [ __ ] man hey man i came back i can't get it back from your [ __ ] bag [Music] [ __ ] you [ __ ] you you know he's selling reefer you know he's selling really [Applause] we're telling your ass in the middle but we're the most church going to people in the world but i thought some loving people man but we talk a lot of [ __ ] see white will get scared cause we talk loud we're gonna hurt nothing we're gonna kill nothing we never heard no black man cut nobody up in 41 pieces we'll blow your goddamn brains out now pokey ass [ __ ] you punk ass but we ain't cutting no on the third hall we falling the [ __ ] out you're killing that [ __ ] joe the wife of the chop your ass up they're punching your ass the [ __ ] death put you in the bag throw you in the river black folks we'll shoot we are we'll cuss but they say you know we [ __ ] all the time we cuff too much white folks tough tuna their favorite word is [ __ ] sucker can nobody call you a cop sucker like a white person [ __ ] sucker [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] they were too you can see they called you cut them off in the car wash them off ass oh [ __ ] a minute [Applause] they mean that [ __ ] they appointed you when they said god [ __ ] they said we cursed too much well yeah but black peop [ __ ] oh black ass [ __ ] look at this [ __ ] a will [ __ ] you all day you can listen to brothers talk man you hear 21 21 [ __ ] and two regular words all the other words be [ __ ] but the sin makes sense like i'm awful when they come up to you man you say hey man you seen that [ __ ] bobby that [ __ ] on me five [ __ ] out the [ __ ] says gonna pay me last [ __ ] week i ain't seen this [ __ ] i don't call the [ __ ] 21 [ __ ] time his mama played like the [ __ ] ain't home i'm not gonna keep calling this [ __ ] for my [ __ ] money well i ain't gonna trip about the [ __ ] [ __ ] cause when i see that [ __ ] i'm gonna bust his [ __ ] head [ __ ] that [ __ ] that [ __ ] made sense like a [ __ ] name you know they always put the stereotypes on people i always say the difference between black ain't no different between nobody they say we [ __ ] too much white folks [ __ ] too look they be [ __ ] good too and i'll be watching every time they show a [ __ ] we come quick in the zombies huh soon we stick the dick in i think where they get that [ __ ] from you know white folk they be [ __ ] [Music] man i'm tired of [ __ ] [ __ ] make me sick i don't know about you i'm sick of it i just love me some person i'm 41. i ain't gonna lie to you i'm old i got a problem i ate [ __ ] i can't [ __ ] like i used to man that [ __ ] [ __ ] ain't number hard work that's all it is yo [ __ ] [ __ ] just [ __ ] just [ __ ] turn around [ __ ] [ __ ] [Applause] turn around turn around turn up put your head up here put your head up here touch your toes touch your toes now you be sweating like a sun [ __ ] back be hurting chest hurting like a homage [ __ ] you trying to kill me you know i mean [Applause] i'm saying [ __ ] you saving him folks what's the goddamn nuts we can go to sleep well it feels so good oh [ __ ] i feel good my chest hurts my back hurt my back hurt right here your back be [ __ ] with you man i thought that [ __ ] was me man bust this goddamn nuts we go to sleep so we can have breakfast in the morning and [ __ ] trying to kill me [ __ ] no man i'm tired of [ __ ] hey you three minutes that's all i'm giving you that's all i got if you don't bust no net when i'm busting that you gonna [ __ ] up i don't give a [ __ ] about you talking about me bernie can't [ __ ] no more show okay but i got nine you better get yours or play with yourself or something i don't give a [ __ ] you're not going to kill me goddammit don't take no to get no goddamn nut three minutes get it let's haul together [ __ ] it you know i ain't [ __ ] like we're 21 22 years old that's when you young your [ __ ] all night when you [ __ ] from here today the match is twisted and now [ __ ] 41 you [ __ ] one spot get it three minutes and we're looking at each other [Applause] good night [ __ ] no no no man no no i ain't got like that i'm a [ __ ] now i'm not ashamed to say it last year this time two years ago i just started two years ago i can't i can't make you think i'm no veteran you know i just thought i'm a car talker now you know oh that's that you got to be strong when you want to go you want you know i didn't know at first [ __ ] you you're [ __ ] before they they'll kill you women men women love all sex they love look at them everybody right here everyone look at that [Applause] yeah they love it boys soon you talking about let me when you go to a woman they'll foul sexual harassment if you pitch them on they titty they'll go in the crack of the air stuff like that [ __ ] is wrong with you their press charger there is that's the [ __ ] but if you walk up to him say girl i sure like to lick your head watch what they say win oh you talk about look as a man they're all right you crazy that a [ __ ] [Applause] you felt feeling why you feel it but you pitch them on they tell me they're gonna call them they're calling women love you from all sex i just started two years ago man eating coochies hard work boy man when they push your head all the way down there boys stuff right there you [ __ ] up you [ __ ] up don't let them lock that elbow they lock it you can't raise up you can't and they lock their thighs on you can't hear [ __ ] and they be brushing that creature against your forehead you'll be shining like a glazed donut you can't eat no [ __ ] you got asthma [Applause] this [ __ ] trying to kill me i'm telling you man the first time i did my wife locked that elbow and she locked her thigh i had to hit it outside to get loose man [Applause] [ __ ] is wrong with you [Applause] [ __ ] trying to kill me see now i know what i'm doing see now i'm good you get smothered a couple of times you you wake up you learn how to eat some [ __ ] when that [ __ ] keeps smothering your hair see now i put my arm up in there [Applause] she ain't gonna smother the [ __ ] out of me well i used to put it now i put my arm up in there look out for mom up in that thumb i put my arm up in there and i lock it they can't go nowhere there'd be some holly some of my [ __ ] [Applause] you ain't going no [ __ ] boy there bust their head on the back of the head boy boy when you need somebody like that they be weak you know you eat what's real good know how you can tell because in the morning gonna call you boo hey bro good morning you gonna eat that ass up boy you need that ass up but you gotta put your arm up in there you put your arm up in that boy they're gonna knock your goddamn head the kid so i tell the truth i'm saying what you're scared to say ain't nothing wrong you sit up here trying to [ __ ] you do it god see you do it everybody in this room crazy some [ __ ] everybody just won't eat [ __ ] but see women y'all got a problem we're gonna talk about it i'm sick of this [ __ ] so i'm telling like a tis i'm saying what you're scared to say me everything [ __ ] before bc we've been eating [ __ ] no problem but see y'all like something no dick i'm sick of this [ __ ] no we're going to talk about it here tonight we're going to talk about it y'all right start sucking some dick around here you know you act like it's a union no dick suck claws or something especially black women women you had a black woman to suck your addiction to get attitude don't tell me people suck at my dick what'd you say i know you didn't ask me to suck your dick did you you better get your mama this lucky dick what my mama got to do with it my mama had her day is it your turn suck it suck it suck it and you bet not bite it suck it i mean i'm taking this [ __ ] i'm sick of it i like it because i'm here i had no hair long time you know every time i asked my wife my wife don't suck my dick at least not mine you know i don't know what's going on no i ain't what every day i ain't whatever you don't know what you're doing god damn [ __ ] like it is the last woman took my dick eight years ago i'm looking for that helper right now i'm looking for every time i talk about i get i get weak i get weak that woman boy she was a good person she was a good person you know she you know she was she was one of the most attractive person in the world you know but she was good boy she was good people you know she was good people you know she had a glass eye she had a glass out no she was good people though she was good people well she took a dick boy was she something else boy but you know what you know what you had a woman give your head man be looking dead at you they always [ __ ] me i'm gonna [Applause] concentrate concentrate focus focus look at that at me i don't know what the [ __ ] to say to you what do you want me to say good job you know i'm coming there that's you [Applause] what type of [ __ ] it did what i mean you know what i mean man this woman she because she had a glass eyeball mama she was good people though she was real good people you know what was she was your [ __ ] dick she made it look good you have one more something to make it look good i've never seen nothing like that for my life man she didn't make the [ __ ] feel good she made it look good almost you give me hair probably looking at all you here well i'll be rocking to these balls and rocking it over well she made that [ __ ] look so good boy i said god damn this brother make this [ __ ] look good she made it look so good one time i couldn't take it no i couldn't take it oh i saw it i couldn't take it i said give me some of this [ __ ] [Music] [Applause] that could happen i couldn't help it i'm telling y'all too they don't need you tripping you you haven't even sex it's funny have you ever made loves when a woman sees everybody cool everybody put on ass when you're in public but it's damn true for all of us human that's always sean everybody hear me you do it you say it and preachers do it everybody needs everybody there's a goddamn lie god looking at you he look at you he look at you he look at you when you say [ __ ] oh suck it let baby suck it oh put your finger in my ass put your finger in my ass [Music] yeah yeah you ever show you how sex so funny you ever been making loves from one man and and and she fought it you ain't stopped for [ __ ] did you ain't stopping [ __ ] you turn that ass up [Applause] you ain't stop but as soon as you get in the car you talk about ass like a daughter see bernie all right you stinking ass yes i fought on my dick and [ __ ] oh everybody passed gas she's a goddamn night go try and play you ain't hear me you know yo when your stomach hurt man two things you [ __ ] with me don't you don't [ __ ] with that's your stomach and your booty hole you don't [ __ ] with them when your stomach [ __ ] up boy you could tell what's wrong with about the sound of the fall y'all know that you ever cut gas i got a number noise that's a bad meatloaf sandwich or milkshake or something you know [Applause] if you ever you ever you ever cut that far just skip on you know you know you you [ __ ] around a bad suit but that's silent [ __ ] father meeting some [ __ ] guy that made up the a little baby cut one and make you want to kick his goddamn man two years get this [ __ ] ass bass right here type of [ __ ] it did [Applause] there's a mean [ __ ] that'll start that's excited for to start a fight when they cut that far you [ __ ] don't do that [ __ ] no more around me man i'm not [ __ ] stinking ass bastard you're a quitter woman man i don't care how fine she is if she break win on the first two dates you got to get to know somebody to take a [ __ ] or fart in front of somebody man that's years of hard work like y'all tight y'all been dating on can you cut can you cut a far in front of them see y'all y'all ain't got a year you go you can cut the phone so you're the nasty song i'm a [ __ ] you tap my about to cut it farther under cover and then raise overhead and [ __ ] i said like it is i tell the truth so i tell you something else i hate i hate kids you do too but you scared his head you think it's gonna make you a bad person i hate me some [ __ ] kids man i ain't talking about 70 to 80 kids these 90 kids these 90 kids get on my [ __ ] nerd see time out time my ass see white folks y'all thought of that old [ __ ] let's discuss it black folks don't discuss [ __ ] [ __ ] your [ __ ] ass down nappy head bastard i'm telling man i got i got one daughter my daughter 21 years old my daughter been in school for the last four years anaheim the last four years of my life me and my wife been swinging but i had to [ __ ] up two years ago i got three new additions in my [ __ ] family three new [ __ ] kids my sister kids you know i ain't saying we family we family you know my sister on drugs yeah i ain't ashamed to tell you i got her kids you know some of your family members [ __ ] up you gonna be looking at me all [ __ ] up your family [ __ ] up too i'm just having to tell you about it yeah my brother gonna call me and say man they're gonna take the kids so you know i said no i couldn't have that i came to court the jail's gonna separate the kids you know i shouldn't let the judge do that but i didn't know no i'm giving these [ __ ] back man i ain't scaring skate these [ __ ] on my [ __ ] nerve man three [ __ ] new kids in my damn film two four and six oh [ __ ] come help me keep these [ __ ] and that two-year-old she the [ __ ] see that [ __ ] she she worshiped the devil she's a worker for the devil [Applause] oh the four year old my sister must have really been getting high with her cause she don't say [ __ ] all she do look at i told her the other day i said [ __ ] if a fire break out boy you better have a whistle or horn or something but you gonna be a burner [ __ ] [ __ ] with me i ain't got time looking on my [ __ ] lawn like this no goddamn fire talk death mute oh five blazes [ __ ] that [ __ ] that [ __ ] that [ __ ] that and and and and and the six-year-old homosexual oh [ __ ] don't know six-year-old walk all like this here crying all the [ __ ] time usually that's what's wrong with that's what's wrong with parents today you act like you don't see [ __ ] you don't know [ __ ] you see your [ __ ] kid you know no kid ain't no goddamn good this boy's a [ __ ] six years old he gonna be a [ __ ] just like on good time michael oh no [ __ ] that [ __ ] that you knew michael was a [ __ ] when he was feeling when you're young and of that [ __ ] [ __ ] he assisted quick [ __ ] quit playing with yourself tell the [ __ ] truth trooper sets it free so you play a game i ain't burning them i can't play no goddamn game the ball assistant i hurt my heart ain't nobody know sister not family this first one you know and the two-year-old he do whatever the two-year-old tell him to do two-year-old the boss see that's the one you gotta watch that's that little [ __ ] there's something else that's how i talk to her little [ __ ] little [ __ ] [ __ ] that town time out with lee kids murderers today they must kill the kid you ain't gonna kill me i'm gonna kill them i can see y'all reading ebony right now i can hear you talking it's a shame my brother [ __ ] up those kids walking around the house two three o'clock in the morning go to bed [ __ ] i had my pillow my gun around my [ __ ] pillow they come in the bedroom i said i said you think what the [ __ ] walking around folks it's time i can't sleep i said keep [ __ ] with me keep [ __ ] with me keep [ __ ] with me i came in the house the other day man one o'clock in the morning she gonna send the mother one six-year-old downstairs for some milky cookie he's going i'm going upstairs he coming down he gonna walk past me like i'm a visitor you know he's just gonna walk past me like i ain't [ __ ] i'm baby [ __ ] i said where you going dude to get something good that's how he said it i said i wanted to hear him say it again i said what to get something i can cook it i'll say you little [ __ ] yeah it's too goddamn late for the [ __ ] known [ __ ] going back upstairs switch your punk ass back upstairs yo yeah you can smack all your wall [ __ ] put my foot in your head that's why i talk to him you're going to go off there's a room the two you're going to say where the cookies and [ __ ] you know he gonna tell her him who downstairs [ __ ] is him like i ain't got no name and [ __ ] you know what i mean she gonna tell him i don't get this [ __ ] myself she's gonna come downstairs oh boy leggings [ __ ] show up for bowling looking like a raccoon and [ __ ] you know what i mean i started to shoot that [ __ ] you know she's gonna open the refrigerator and get a little ladder that's what you're getting ready to do get some milk and cookies i said didn't i tell your [ __ ] boy you couldn't handle goddamn milk now it's too god damn late go to back the [ __ ] up staff when you get [ __ ] up down here she gonna look at me all up and now like i'm short you know you know what somebody look at you like that man you know what the [ __ ] that mean on the street so i said well what the [ __ ] what's the move [ __ ] that's a [ __ ] move she gonna walk past me whatever whatever you better walk it off [ __ ] you better walk it off you [ __ ] you [Applause] oh man these kids are enough man and i can't make no love in the house no you know i got to make appointments and [ __ ] now i called my wife out there i said you want to do something she said i don't care i set the kids up yeah yeah i just put him asleep she said you know i can't put these on bitch's sleeve i said give him some sleeping pills or something put in their food no offer anything that worked dude anything you ain't dealing with no little kids no more man nah man not not two-year-old she's a troublemaker now i got a [ __ ] all soft you know me and my wife we [ __ ] soul and she i gotta cover on my offense don't make no noise you're gonna wake these [ __ ] up next you know the dough over here we got a lock what you doing to my auntie what you doing to my auntie we wrestling why her clothes off she hot [Applause] why are you on top of her i'm choking up why you up cause i am a little badass mother then she come get right in the middle of us you know now i gotta cover myself all up you know then she sit up in the room as soon as she come in she starts [ __ ] [Applause] it's stinking here [ __ ] you doing it here go to your room man so [ __ ] block of the air [Applause] oh do somebody [ __ ] business go to bed so i'll tell hear see the world [ __ ] up man so you see you see money might say what you're scared to say all this [ __ ] joe don't make your better better make you less of a person it's fun jokes that's all the [ __ ] it is but it's the truth too that's all it is so i'd say what you scared to say you know you want to say it but you think people gonna think you're a bad person if you're sad [ __ ] what people think what you think about yourself kiss my ass i gotta see you again in life i'll tell you here the world [ __ ] up everybody just everybody lives as jealous of frogs but my wife just me jealousy come be right next to you man my wife jealous for me man i never knew it until the other day man we make a love man i'm doing something my best [ __ ] about eight minutes eight minutes strong okay so you do good you have somebody jealously man huh don't make no man if i can sense man i'm a good person i try to do right i try to treat my people right you know don't make no [ __ ] fast man you know that's why i told my wife the other day man my wife man we've been got 25 years you know 25 strong yeah that's it yeah good day it's all good that's why you know i try to get along same way with my family i try to get along my auntie i got some evil people in my family my auntie she'll evil someone [ __ ] you know she treat all the kids [ __ ] up she treats her kids all special like they god get their second law you know you know his [ __ ] half [ __ ] ass mother nephew you know yeah you don't wanna [ __ ] you know and i'll be trying to get smart going in there i ain't got that gold already you know you have brain [ __ ] you better go sit your punk head down but my auntie she treat him like he god get you know he's bought he's 14 years old she had the school bus picking this [ __ ] up in school right across the street and he stuttered real bad he want no [ __ ] shaking stuttering [ __ ] you know you know one of y'all we want to laugh you know what i mean you be like what he say you know he on the corner waiting on the school bus school ride cross street school bus pull up open the door he said uh uh [Applause] bus driver closed the door and drove the [ __ ] off [Applause] next day same corner he on the corner bus job pulled up open the door he did it again uh uh [Applause] ah bus driver did like this here close the door drove the [ __ ] off oh he mad nah he went home and told my auntie she cussing if it's a [ __ ] no good [ __ ] i'm going to school with you in the morning i wish that something a [ __ ] would drive off we gonna be strapping in the street boys she walked my nephew put him on the corner she went in the bushes in here bus driver pulled up open the door he did it again uh uh uh uh are you [Applause] [ __ ] did it again bus driver closed the door my auntie jumped out hold on black some of my [ __ ] what's your goddamn problem denying my son of his edification bus driver jumped off the bus and said he he was teasing me peace out

Channel: Walter Latham Comedy

Views: 2,209,666

Rating: 4.8073621 out of 5

Keywords: black comedy, funny videos, black comedians, funny, hilarious, Kevin Hart, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Amy Schumer, laugh

Id: ccpo2gysIiU

Length: 32min 32sec (1952 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 13 2020