Ripped (Full Movie) | Russell Peters, Faizon Love | 2017 | Stoner Comedy, Time Travel

hmm dude this is good chili what's in this i can't tell you mom's secret recipe all right yo man how many of these seeds you think we've thrown over here over the past couple of years huh what a quadrillion is that a real number i don't know if it's a real number and a fake word or a fake word and a real number it's like how come the weed won't grow and we found the only spot in the northwest where we'd one grow not good come on dude let's go we're gonna be late picking up debbie let's do this let's do it come on come on man [Music] hi mr sanchez i'm harris debbie's boyfriend we're here to take debbie to the raising our concert she ready what up dude i mean uh sir dude you've got to be kidding me i know women right never ready on time no we'll wait hey by any chance you got any munchie snacks i know you got him don't you hold out on me hmm [Music] so debbie tells me you're not planning on going to college no sir we don't need college reeves and i are gonna start our own business they're off the grid that's right hopefully what oh well you know not get caught up in the whole corporate rat race corporations kill the working man i i got this it's a really cool idea are you ready reeves and i are gonna drive around the country selling coffee on street corners wow wait right oh okay and then sometimes we'll just settle right in the middle of the street and there ain't no corner absolutely you want to whip it whip it i was wrong about you boys i want to apologize oh no need and this idea of yours is one sure-fire plan for success this should be enough to uh intoxicate my daughter don't you think sir we're we're not gonna need that oh yeah sir no we're fine we already have vodka in our van oh so you have a van yeah i assume you must have a mattress in the back of the van as well no no not yet not yet there's nothing like fornicating in the back of a van am i right [Laughter] well sir we not into the whole [ __ ] animals thing hey how are you guys on condoms you know what on second thought it'll probably be a lot more fun to violate my daughter without protection and you can join into gordito you're not gonna let her go are you why not because i don't like you boys okay you're stoners this concert is way too far away and debbie is a miner all right so that's one reason and let me add something else okay in all my years i have never heard of such a stupid idea for a business selling cups of coffee that's as dumb as trying to sell bottles of water all right all right all right i see what's going on here so sir what if i promise not to [ __ ] her mike relax we're negotiating this organization could i just talk to debbie please no okay so uh can i go upstairs and talk to debbie what part of no is confusing to you boys i don't know about him but to me the k and the w being silent it it's just never made any sense to me you don't need this because i'm sure you have plenty of weed in your van no i wish we had yo first off we don't have plenty of weed in the back of our van okay we're actually about to go pick up some weed from one of my homies that we know on the way there because we're running a little low so you don't really know everything silent k silent w about everything that me and him have going on so yeah i want you boys out of my house out yeah i think debbie ratted us out how did he know we were stoners what though daddy oh i guess tommy gave us the wrong address um do you know where joe lives i'm joe you're here for irv you're the dealer you look like you could be selling ava oh i sell that too lip gloss or weed make up your mind weed wow she really does sell avon northwest division sales person of the year what are the odds needed oh my gosh i think you guys are cops what yo look we we just changed our mind right then we changed our mind we came here for some lip gloss lip gloss you got something what's tommy's little name i mean we we don't know i i swear i swear i don't either i'm just [ __ ] with you oh that's that's funny take off your clothes what take it off take off your clothes do you want the wheat or not a handful yeah but why am i we need to take all of our clothes do i need to get my strap on so we can do a few dance numbers first no no strap-on at all but you're funny though strip ladies strip [ __ ] um well you know probably just to like make sure we're not wired no man no no no i saw this i saw this in my mind i saw this happening really you you saw this coming the dealer was gonna turn out to be an avon lady who would put a gun to our head and threaten to [ __ ] us with a strap-on phallot yeah yeah that was your vision yes i saw that all right i knew that was gonna happen but i didn't know what the word foul is meant to like right now see we're not wired i wouldn't worry about that i just wanted to see you naked that reminds me i need to buy cashews hey price is 200 dollars no pesos this [ __ ] was grown in area 51 where they keep the aliens you ever heard of g13 no way no way are you telling me that's that that's that the super secret cia weed this is g 14. oh what most of the cia can't even get their hands on this [ __ ] yet well how'd you get it [ __ ] a guy who knows a guy that's all i'm gonna say yo those are the type of stories you can make up even if you try you just know what you don't have 200 um but it's 200 that's a lot tell you what you go down on me take off ten percent that's funny that's really good you might be scored i'll take off 20. squirt what [Applause] [Music] i thought we agreed we weren't even talking [Music] dude are you sure this is a shortcut i mean i have not seen any lights for a while now i think we should turn around here no after another 30 minutes of darkness he said here dude we're stuck in a hole man well i'm not licking this one twice in one day and looks like we might have to spend the night here tonight then [ __ ] we're gonna miss the concert [Music] oh my goodness glitch i feel like dude do you like hear them listening to things [Music] i feel like i got a piss but i don't even know yo [ __ ] i'm high dude my hand is my hand looks like a like tarantula i don't even feel my hands anymore i'm hungry bro i wish we had some of your chili right now with a bowl of cheese and a slice of ice cream you know i wish right now i wish these fingers were just little kitkat bars hey i can just break one off break you off your piece it's so good you all right bro oh my gosh looks like my whole face is in my mouth where are my balls vibrating [Music] i can't feel my [ __ ] oh my god my [ __ ] is gone oh oh i slept like a baby that weed knocked me the [ __ ] out you look holy [ __ ] you look old as [ __ ] they're supposed to have some hallucinogenic [ __ ] in it that's [ __ ] cool we must be a legislator now oh yeah man i feel like we've been walking for days [ __ ] hot this is the worst hallucination ever [ __ ] spaceship we're not hallucinating we're still dreaming how do you know this is your dream and not mine because i always dream of spaceships let's keep walking what the [ __ ] was that it's a talking door what's happening hello door how are you nice to meet you why is everybody on their calculator we walked all this way for a [ __ ] math convention i hate math and i got to take a [ __ ] so 2016. what the [ __ ] thank you have a nice day what the [ __ ] the [ __ ] is that i'm at the gas station oh sweetheart i miss you so much i can't wait to do my little move i'll be here for a couple hours who the [ __ ] is that welcome yo check this out government approves no not that look at the date june 12 2016. it's one of those fake newspapers uh-uh this [ __ ] is real i went outside i saw a dude with his car plugged in the price of gas is five dollars a gallon and i seen a girl with a thing in her hand that she was talking to a dude and he was there like a video but did you see this that's [ __ ] up check this out though this proves that this is a fake if you go by this newspaper here this guy is black right and his name is alabama barack obama and he's the president of the united states exactly excuse me sir what's the date june the 12th man what year 2016. hey get off me man get off me right right right right right yeah right who's the president barack obama what'd he look like it's black that weed we smoke knocked us out for 30 years we need to get a tow truck get your van out the ditch and get the [ __ ] on home let's go let's stam c.i.a first vietnam then reagan gets shot ever heard of a turn signal nobody's [ __ ] business where we're going well your parents definitely don't live here anymore they really mean it when they say you can't go home again so our old school is a home depot now your old house is a vacant lot and mine's a [ __ ] soul mart there's nothing left from our [ __ ] life and what the [ __ ] is glutton free but the gluttons eat free we should act like some glutton's gonna eat i'm starving now let's go by debbie's parents house maybe they still live there and they'll feed us hello uh hi mrs sanchez yes uh this is harris harris weber oh uh debbie's boyfriend her old boyfriend i guess harris has been dead for 30 years this isn't funny you really don't think this is fun go away leave i i i know this probably sounds crazy but hi mrs sanchez it's a i know it's probably really weird for you right now but probably didn't expect to see us after all these years yeah this can't be debbie where the hell have you been oh ah you guys want me to believe that you bought some super pot from a woman named joe who was screwing a cia guy who was growing pot in area 51 where they keep the aliens on your way to a concert that you never got to because your van fell into a ditch where you slept for 30 years and all of a sudden you woke up one day and here you are crazy [ __ ] right were you in prison you were in prison war too like in bolivia or something if only hey up here what happened to you guys what really happened to you guys that is what really happened mm-hmm do you have any idea how serious your disappearance was there were news reports there were missing persons reports your parents hired private detectives we had no idea where you disappeared to eventually we just thought you were dead your parents held funerals for you for closure we had funerals yeah you're buried at the cemetery on madison street was it a nice service nice funeral did people show up a few was it sad guys is this supposed to be funny because it it's not look we don't understand what happened either but we're telling you what happened it doesn't mean it's believable it just means that's what the [ __ ] happened i can't believe you still live with your parents it's my house now no [ __ ] that's right hey do you know where my parents moved to cause i can't find them wow you don't know do you your parents died like 10 years ago what the [ __ ] it's a bummer bro what about my parents yours moved away um we have no idea where they moved we never saw him again they they moved to the mountains my my eyes are here reeves my father loved mountains i see what you're saying there's some good peaks out there this is crazy i i don't know what to say i'm i'm i'm a little freaked out i just look i know this is a little crazy i was just showing up after all these years yeah why don't we meet up again tomorrow to the mall or something maybe go to the arcade arcade okay so what time you want to hang out oh i i don't hang out i go to work so after work [ __ ] after work uh sure okay so like two no hon this is not school it's work i'm like seven eight okay well we gotta at least eight the latest because the food court will close at nine dab hey willy [Music] oh my you guys slept in here good morning wow i can't believe you still have this thing look at you all businesswoman like like a professional you look great thanks um the house is locked but if you want to clean up you can use the rinse off shower on the side good thank you we need that debbie i was in your backyard last night i was wondering where did you get this really cool stormtrooper boot hey what the hell is that this is a stormtrooper boot what who stuck wheels and i when were you in my backyard i had to take a [ __ ] last night i don't want your neighbors all in my business it's very considerate of you that is a rollerblade and it belongs to my son we have a son no no we you we don't have a son no wait how old is he he's 15. he was at his dance last night wait you [ __ ] somebody else yeah i did debbie's [ __ ] i i did and when am i to meet him uh let's hold off on that for now why is he we're not going to laugh oh my god is he a [ __ ] okay it's because of comments like that that we are going to hold off and it's because of all of this i mean and i you know i don't want people in his life that are not going to be a good role model good role models we're not good role models i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that i don't know well maybe i did it's just you show up after all these years you're you're looking homeless you smell like i can't even describe and you're sleeping in a van homeless we got our fat gold chains shell toes we good brad's at a very impressionable age right now you named him brad anything that i'm saying is just sounding terrible and rude and i'm sorry i'm gonna go to work right now i'm gonna go okay i'm gonna go might be time for you guys to start seeing other people apparently she's been seeing other people guess what i'm seeing i thought you finished all the weed i did but i found this in debbie's back porch [Applause] okay now that we look less homeless what do we do well we got to stop telling people what really happened truck stop guy tow truck dude debbie they all said we sounded crazy [ __ ] i was there and i don't believe it here's what we do we drop the story we accept our situation and we go back to what we were going to do you mean start our business sell coffee out of my van yeah think about it with inflation we could be like making two bucks a cup for coffee you sound crazy as [ __ ] right now we'll call it two buck a cup of coffee you guys here to fix this satellite what the [ __ ] the family what are we [ __ ] astronauts mean satellite who the [ __ ] are you my name's brad i [ __ ] live here we're friends of debbie's uh debbie you mean my mother oh [ __ ] that's debbie's kid debbie's been [ __ ] that's her receipt uh yeah listen my mom's friends don't smoke so you don't know your mom's friends that's my [ __ ] bag of joints man what the [ __ ] [ __ ] me smoking my wee man jesus guys you smoked half my stash oh relax we'll buy you more call your dealer my dealer when's the last time you bought weed where do you get it from you didn't buy it just walk into 7-eleven and go buy wheat yeah can i get some chips some soda oh and some weed please but you guys know weed's legal now right wait what i don't know why we need this doctor to get pot from a store well if you have a prescription they give a discount so that's a good deal part of the discount it is my birthday happy birthday yeah i told you i'd hook you up hello nurse i am uh not the nurse i'm dr gales well with the body like that you ought to be a nurse um you don't have to take your shirt off well i'm taking my [ __ ] off for uglier girls so it's not a problem um i assume that you're having trouble sleeping at night no i sleep all through the night you look like you're in a lot of chronic pain no but i do have an itch you can screw it right right mr cornell reeves i can't write you a prescription for medical marijuana unless there's an actual need do you understand right um do you like italian you're in a lot of pressure aren't you right and you need something to help calm me down right back hurts can't sleep at night constant migraines yes listen you take your shirt off i'm gonna take my shirt off and then we gonna start [ __ ] i am not a prostitute i didn't call you a processor okay let's just say you gave me a little medical rub a tub tub you know like a medical rub in a medical way non-prostitute but just medically induced rub just so you know just a non-prostitution in the prostitute just so ah [Music] okay why didn't you say so i was trying to stand up oh no and then stop like right there right there and now why don't you uh drop your pants huh hold the original [Music] kind of rough aren't you [Music] welcome to home depot how can i help medicate you we'll take it all you can't have it all what type of cannabis are you looking for cannabis [ __ ] that we want weed add a discount rollables they are indestructible they are foldable they are portable dishwasher safe yeah just gonna put that in there about dixie elixirs over there all different flavors do these all have weed in them duh i think we're gonna need a bigger basket [Music] [Applause] [Music] showed up what are you drinking oh it's a mocha vanilla latte what what's that it's coffee that's a coffee where'd you get it from starbucks hello starbucks places i see on every corner they just sell coffee yeah debbie's dad stole our idea what the [ __ ] are you guys talking about god coffin thief i never trusted her father i mean i've only known him for two minutes but them two minutes i never trust him i can't believe he stole our business plan took us [ __ ] years to come up with that [ __ ] like a son you [ __ ] mean like a son i was your son this is so strange i never thought i'd live and see today hey it's bad to smoke cigarettes you scared the [ __ ] out of a it's not a cigarette it's a joint it's marijuana it's still smoking well it's our business and those are our tombstones what are you the cemetery police okay get the [ __ ] out of here we're grown and we're grieving what are you guys ghosts here i don't know you're some kind of ghost whisperer i don't know why are you here but we're here smoking weed minding our business if you're ghost how come i can't see through you well there's a simple explanation for that oh basically it's because i'm black now bounce [ __ ] yo i could really go for a bowl of chili right now oh yeah that would be nice oh yo i got an idea what what's the one thing people want when we're high i don't know but i'm hungry as a [ __ ] exactly we'll open up a restaurant that sells your chili with a weed in it that's actually brilliant then when they get the munchies they're already there and then they eat more and then they have more munchies and they keep eating they don't have to go nowhere and even if they don't eat that much what do people do when they're high they're messy they spill [ __ ] they'll spill their chili and they'll have to buy some more we'll be millionaires you just came up with that yeah no [ __ ] i mean you're some kind of idea entrepreneur if there's a word i'm an idealist who are we gonna get the money to open up a restaurant man the bank we'll go get a loan from the bank no why not there are no other chili restaurants in town are there it's the marijuana aspect sir wheat is legal yes marijuana is legal mr webber but that doesn't mean a bank endorses it this bank is a conservative organization well i'm pretty sure that there are plenty of banks that will nope weed no [Laughter] leave i got an idea let's leave out the weed this time that's lying that's business i don't know you know they're eventually gonna find out yeah by the time they find out we'll be paying back the loan and that's all they really want i guess look you know those restaurants that sell paintings you think they got a loan for art gallery and a restaurant no they added that later it's true but still but still nothing this is the last thing do you want this zone or not all right let me fix you up huh bam passed you away fool oh [ __ ] let's go the restaurant will serve chili that's it that's it just chilly such a simple idea it can actually work oh looks like you guys have really good credit too that one negative thing pops up why do you seem annoyed by this approving a loan means i have a lot of paperwork in front of me so we got the loan well it's not a slam dunk yet the application process takes a few days and you'll have to give a short presentation to the loan board but it looks good unfortunately guess i'll have to start looking for my pen i gotcha it's badass right what the [ __ ] is that it's edm man electronic dance music like skrillex d are you kidding me steve aoki i got to pull some of this up on youtube come on watch that hey what's he doing he's killing it doing what slaying it is he leading an aerobics class yeah he's loving it up there he's like whoa but who's playing the music you mean it's dj is it he's playing the records the song just changed and his arms were in the air is he djing with his dick because that to me would be impressive yeah that would be impressive he's a dick jockey can i show you how to dj please yeah show them how to do it are you keeping it in your pants yeah i'm definitely keep it in my pants what am i a priest okay uh where's your turntables go for it what the [ __ ] is that the yeah it's like turntable like you scratch them and [ __ ] oh where do you put your records you they're in the computer you put all your records in the computer no well i mean the music is yeah and then i'm confused you just yeah you there like that's the music it's all there and then this yeah you search it you find whatever you want there it is and then play play it here yeah and then um all right all right [Music] [ __ ] up [Music] hey hey hey what's going on here hi i see you guys you guys met each other yeah yeah you never told me you had such cool friends mom yeah they're cool they're really cool just teaching them how to dj uh-huh yeah he's good he's really good that's great that's that's great i didn't think that you'd meet them so soon i thought they'd be gone by now are you taking off uh yeah um i don't know hey honey i want to talk to them real quick okay can you go to your room it's old people talk it's really boring yay of course nice kid these guys are really cool mom they're super cool yeah yeah hi tada hey what was the one thing i told you guys you said a lot of [ __ ] [ __ ] to me i said i didn't want you to meet my son get it remember that you guys are pissing me off here it's better to be pissed off than pissed on you're pissed your dad stole our idea what starbucks that's his company isn't it what my dad has nothing to do with starbucks listen you're not the guilty party in this you don't have to protect him yeah he has nothing to do with stuff i beg to differ i like to say something no no that's okay oh well i'm just gonna leave ah you know that um ham sandwich in the refrigerator is that anybody's particular whatever one so reeves and i are gonna open a restaurant really hey good luck with that but however uh due to bad planning uh with the money uh as you can see we bought new clothes hence why i look like charlie brown we have no money for a motel and we can't keep sleeping in the van and brad happened to tell us about this great guest house you have out back yeah no no no you're not gonna sleep in my guest house no no just listen listen listen listen let me finish in exchange for letting us stay we'll make dinner for you and brad every night no it's only gonna be for like a week or two and i understand the whole thing about role models but look we no longer look homeless that's a good start right we'll be very respectful promise i'd stay out late i won't curse hold on [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] i just had to get that out no drugs i won't stay out late did i mention that i may have mentioned it twice but that's because i'm not going to do it did i tell you how pretty her hair looks with the gray in it and i'm not just saying that to make you feel good about yourself it's very becoming come on help out an old friend an old boyfriend a recent orphan that's right i'm sorry we have history i've been inside you uh okay i'll be right here if you need me yeah okay no boundaries i okay look at me my son is the most important thing in my life and i'm gonna hold you to your promises i promise make you promise please make your promise with me is that your pinky i want a promise please somebody help me you can stay thank you remember when we used to hold pinkies no we never we did this no that's your other girlfriend we did some other stuff but that didn't involve i'll see you later so why do you tell her we don't do drugs anymore cause we don't do drugs we smoke weed weed's not a drug weed grows from the earth this is the earth we're smoking we're giving back to mother nature hello mom welcome to my mouth besides we can still smoke we just can't do it indoors gotta crack a window or some [ __ ] we can't let debbie find out oh and i told her that we'd be cooking for her and the kid every night [ __ ] you did tonight's your night i'll cook tomorrow where you going she's gonna show me the old neighborhood why can't i go cause you're cooking wait a minute you're [ __ ] so you should cook well if i was [ __ ] her that'd be a great deal but i don't think she likes me like that anymore well so you sit here and cook then i'll go [ __ ] you know what that sounds like a great plan i'll see you when we get back bye [ __ ] oh no oh yeah that's my [ __ ] lisa i can't believe how many times you made me listen to can you feel the beat can you feel it can you feel it oh yeah oh man i'm gonna make you feel that beat oh dear thank god brad missed this time in history you know speaking of history what happened to brad's um father oh wow that was smooth didn't work out shortstop obviously it didn't work out what's what's the story story did you meet him what's his name who is this guy his name's david i met him 14 years after you vanished from my life i mean i'm 16 years old love of my life drives away i never see him again you know talk about abandonment issues everything screwed me up you know if i knew you were dead or that you were kidnapped it would make sense but there was always that possibility that you you hated everything in your life and you just wanted to run away you and every boyfriend after that unconsciously i thought would abandon me too at least that's what my therapist said when he broke up with me i don't know it's not like i intended for any of this to happen either you know it's not easy for me i'm still trying to comprehend what's going on no we're not eating and i didn't mean to meet brad it was an accident he came home early did he skip school no don't trip not early like that like i mean earlier than i thought he'd be home hey it is hard raising a kid on your own okay i worry that's what moms do i worry he's gonna break a bone that he's gonna fall into the wrong crowd he's not gonna fall into the wrong crowd well you you don't know him i know you and you're his mom and it's a mom like you i think he's gonna be just fine thanks oh [ __ ] you hear that yeah i do okay you ready yeah no don't do it so i'm gonna pass you away here it comes catch it if you don't release that wave it's going to come out in traffic so please don't do it we're making a left turn and then a u-turn no no okay okay go go go go hey that's my move i call that the twist and dash yo you ready oh i'm searching for my parents on on the computer it's called facebook people list a bunch of useless information like this guy right here he's about to brush his teeth now he's done oh i got a film request oh [ __ ] nigeria maybe you have long-lost relatives in nigeria he doesn't look like anybody in my family all right let's go all right [Music] oh do i have the wrong number do i know you guys hey they look like [ __ ] sanchez doesn't it but older and uglier yeah i can hear you they created a game where you could put your family in no i'm not a game that's crazy that's better than pac-man asteroids you see that i'm not a game i am on a skype he's on planet sky where is this planet oh where on earth what are your coordinates where the [ __ ] is my daughter he's on planet skype and his daughter's missing oh [ __ ] oh my god it's you two idiots we're businessmen now yeah we're opening businesses i thought you guys were dead anyway good talking to you dirty disconnect me hey hey hey bye buddy and it's gonna be called the chili pot and we're just gonna serve chili just chili that's gonna pay the rent 20 bucks a bowl for chili well it has a special ingredient it has cannabis in it no you're not oh yes we are it's our recipe you are not selling pot in my property oh no no sir it's okay marijuana is legal now oh so are titty bars but you're not gonna open up one of them in my building either who would think 30 years later there'll be still racism in america that had nothing to do with race are you kidding me the guy was whitening was a landlord and those confederative types just don't like us i don't think it had anything to do with us that was the weed he didn't like look i say this time we try it again just like the bait but leave out the weed okay all right all right don't think we're gonna have to hide that part about the weed mm-hmm hey so uh everything's included in the kitchen and the rent uh cause it looks perfect to make chili with weed in it ah it's all included chili with weed in it wow right on you know i once replaced my bomb water with soup yeah that was wild you know we'll take it huh i don't i don't know if i have that bong anymore i mean i was like no no no no years ago place but you know all right cool yeah all right uh that'll be a 5 000 deposit hey can you just uh hold it for us we're just waiting on the bank to give us the money no no can do and just so you two know i got some other dudes coming in here tomorrow afternoon to check out the place so you know peace out but peace though really in a minute peace out man but i gotta get out of here that place is great you think the bank will give us loan while we're waiting on a loan it's worth it we'll give it a shot yo i just realized my grandparents used to put away money for me every year and i wasn't allowed to touch until i was 21. oh [ __ ] you look like you pass for 21 now i think so it's gotta be like over four thousand dollars in that account four thousand dollars bruh with the compiling interest loans vary in the dividends that's 30 years that's got to be like 400 000 yeah you just saved the day guys this is delicious it's my mom's secret recipe we used to do is make it all from scratch then we go to the store and get some store-bought chili put it in there to add a little flavor to it wait that's the secret recipe yeah it was up until now did you know that clark gable ate chili the night before he died where the hell did you hear that oh goggle on what on the computer if you look up and you can put like stuff words in like uh chili goggle and then i goggled no no no at google listen i was i did i goggled last night goggle sounds like a word it's google you g-o-o-g-l-e google well people spell tomato different ways too what the [ __ ] is a google google it's like a search engine you search stuff in it i didn't look for a mechanic okay i was looking for chili yeah you wear goggles you don't wear googles well you got to wear protective goggles not protective googles but it it's not spelled goggles you don't get drunk and have beer googles you have beer goggles they're not goggles they're not for your eyes it's google like g-o-o-g-l-e then what is it for for searching for and what do you search with your eyes checkmate [ __ ] ah what's the matter what happened i messed up my arm at the bmx track bmx track yeah oh who went all of us it was fun all of you what did i say about that well you said you weren't gonna take me these guys said they would so i said okay i wasn't gonna take you because it's dangerous it's not dangerous it's bmx it's fine he got hurt he's old old people get hurt doing anything i'll be all right you're not helping look no it's fine mom we were fine we went we had fun we relaxed we were we were wearing our pads and helmets we were fine right mm-hmm if it's so safe why do you have to wear pads and helmets my house my rules you never let me do anything fun you got you like keep me cooped up in the house like i can't do anything you're like a fun killer hey what's with all the helmets and pads nowadays anyway well that's what you do now with dangerous things everyone wears helmets and pads back in the day when people that wore helmets and pads are retards and women on their periods i'm i'm raising three children here i think she's on her helmet right now weber correct harris can you just tell me what my account is all right thank you yo i had four thousand dollars in that account at a quarter percent interest over 30 years i got 4 400 the landlord guy needs 5 000. we're [ __ ] you're gonna need to sell the van i can't sell the van man it's molly man it was your only van once we get the loan we'll buy back the van but in the meantime we need the money what the [ __ ] is that why are you mocking me it's brand's ipad this thing it repeats everything you say i just said that do you want to smoke a snack well clearly i do look pull some weeds it'll blow you through it now do you feel high are you a high pet how much you get 700 bucks the [ __ ] that's what i said apparently the guy from the list of craig said that's all the truck is worth because you know vintage and you know cheetos everywhere i kind of trust him too cause craig wouldn't put a list together of people he didn't trust who the [ __ ] is craig some guy has a list of everybody's [ __ ] and they just go to him to sell it where do you find this guys you have a store i don't know craig's he's on the um the weber the world wide web that computer [ __ ] we were looking at yeah it's like something about twitter apparently the people who twit go to face i haven't figured it out but craig knows everybody you get everything from skis to a blow drop ooh we should've got [ __ ] i got a [ __ ] try to use the toilet this time right hi hey hi does it look like i'm flying it does superman i want to talk to you about the other morning oh you were fine no i was wrong you guys have gone out of your way to include brad and i appreciate it and now you're letting them help with the restaurant stuff and it's very cool interesting concept by the way concept mm-hmm what did he say well you're only gonna serve chili right that's all he said what else should he say nothing nope nothing dinner tonight oh i forgot to tell you you don't have to cook dinner tonight i'm going out with the girls oh yeah okay i'll see you later no problem you guys should take me bungee jumping this weekend what the [ __ ] is bungie jumping i don't know is that in your underwear what the [ __ ] is bungee jumping you know like when you jump off a bridge with like a bungee why do you say that like we should know this why would you do why would the [ __ ] you drop off a bridge cause it's fun you know that we're not white right yeah that's not sure we would do why the [ __ ] would you jump off a ridge i gotta check with your mom i mean you don't have to tell her uh uh i promised i wouldn't let you do any [ __ ] dumb [ __ ] oh [ __ ] it's frozen for a whole thank you hello thank you hey it's the best bud guy hey bud bud how old is he what are you hitting on me pervert i can't conduct business if anyone around is underage you're conducting business with us boy watch your goddamn tone he's 21. listen here rocky files you take your case somewhere else his parents are midgets the keeper family that's keepler sutherland keep it to yourself if you have a good girl she's a keepler selling chili with weed in it it's brilliant you guys are gonna need about 10 flavors to start i got uh super skunk og kush white widow blueberry kush which one's the best all of this stuff is chronic then we'll take all of it and those free little pins that come with it my friend this is a vaporizer oh watch that vaporizer i don't want to lose my friend your laser your force is not with you it's not a star trek thing guys just push down on the button inhale and try it out oh my petty oh in my mouth these new designs they let you regulate the vapor density so you get more hits per cartridge oh this good stuff hold on mm-hmm smooth oh well hey easy guys you barely have to hit it that's what she said i'm hitting it from the front great thing about these new models vaporization only happens when you inhale so a rule of thumb you use about maybe half the weed that you would smoking a joint half and the high is stronger better high less money and completely healthy oh i tell you what i feel so [ __ ] healthy right now fantastically healthy i think i'm doing my room how could you be 47 and do that without falling aj ain't nothing but a number okay okay are you ready i haven't done this i haven't done this in years so okay hello don't trip are you tripping fool [Laughter] you got it you got it pontiac or toyota who was that [Music] hey guys this place looks uh fun what's with the donations jar oh that's for my friend on facebook another one from nigeria yes yes how did you know let's see yeah it's a scam that is exactly what naseem said you would say it was a scam yeah because he knows it's a scam no he needs a foot transplant anyway this is [ __ ] let's get somebody to help us paint man we don't have any money left but we have weed weed is currency yo next time we give these guys the weed after they paint next time we pay him in cash we don't have any more cash remember then we don't have any more weed what how the [ __ ] are we gonna make chili with weed in it if we don't have any weed to put in the chili i know that's why i call the best sport guy so problem solved problem not solved we don't have any more money what what you're just now telling me this i just now told you just now hello oh [ __ ] i have bad news would you tell me the good news first oh there is no good news what do you mean there's no good news well oh actually there's good news for me i can't give you gentlemen the loan but you said we had good credit i said it looks like you have really good credit turns out you don't have any credit at all yeah but can't they look at it like we haven't missed a payment in like three decades they could but they won't because that's not how it works banks don't give loans to people without credit so you bought your big wally happy ass down here granola eating folger's coffee drinking to tell us this [ __ ] well it wasn't a problem i had the afternoon free since i didn't have to do your paperwork well i'm gonna go get some frogert bye guys what a frog an [ __ ] see i told you racism is still alive mm-hmm still alive we're [ __ ] he can't give us along because we ain't got no credit gentlemen all i need is a signature and a payment and we're all sick right um about the payment thing a funny thing happened what the you know how busy this is you know got the signature but the payment it's gonna be straight there's been a a county era yeah so we're gonna have to get this on credit credit okay let me explain you something about credit all right i gave you credit in the first delivery i still haven't gotten payment for that so when i get payment for that you get some more weed look man look around okay we're just about to open this place right we're gonna be busy busy making money chili money chili weed everything we're gonna be successful we're gonna be your number one people we're gonna beat your thing economics hold on it's amazing look you're a businessman i'm a businessman businesses help businesses that's how this country was built pilgrims helped the indians the indians helped the pilgrims we're just asking for the same deal the indians got and not my indians the other ones okay let me explain to you guys a little something about the deal the indians got pilgrims took their land gave them blankets covered in smallpox allegedly smallpox that's free weed costs money no cash no grass are you a [ __ ] poet now i don't need smallpox these people these are not good business [Music] people did you know that bruce lee was actually born in san francisco i did know this i can't believe i messed up on county i can you were wasted we're always wasted maybe that's our problem you're gonna have to ask debbie for the money are you [ __ ] crazy yeah picture that oh hey deb can i borrow a few thousand bucks so i can buy some weed yeah she'll lose her [ __ ] and kick us out of her place we'll end up homeless tell her for something else you can't lie to her you've been lying this whole time yeah well i don't like it listen she's against weeds you don't have a future okay she's our last hope roll the hey guys debbie hey hello speaking of my shirts so uh what are you doing here i took off work early brad told me you'd be here oh cool brad told her look at that well i told brad that i would take him skydiving all right off to the gym you guys have fun okay well look at you skipping work huh it's a beautiful day let's go for a walk all right so you just took the day off work today just like that just like that i mean a few weeks ago i would have never considered that but if my class gets annoyed to what right i guess what changed i don't know i just feel like i haven't been living my life i forgot how to have fun along the way you know what i mean i do i do know what you mean you have a lot to do with that i do i'm the reason you played hooky today yes i mean look at you you don't worry about anything so you think i don't have any worries what do you have to worry about oh okay your secrets again we don't have enough money to finish the restaurant can't you get a loan well pelican point bank was gonna give us a loan but then we don't have any credit so well you know what there are other banks well where are you going wait now you want to dance i want to talk you're afraid that she's not going to set you because you're a pothead and in my book that's a chicken okay number one i'm not a chicken guys i got you the loan what my friend julie works at the pelican point bank she spoke with the original loan officer and he still likes your idea no they already said no and we don't have any credit anyways i'm gonna co-sign oh god no yeah yeah yeah your credit is no longer an issue all you have to do is go and give your little presentation and you're all set so excited for you wow i love it whenever he gets excited well that one will no the [ __ ] it didn't she thinks we're opening up a normal restaurant we are i gotta get her to cancel no oh i can't have her sign this [ __ ] under false pretenses dab debbie hi i um oh my god good god um dub dub god damn you look fantastic oh yeah all right i just gotta i just want to talk to you about something real quick tits talk tutti tata jesus christ i wanted to tell you your tits have dropped perfectly over the years i um i haven't seen these or anything this shade i was with reeves for a long time and uh this is far better than i we really need to work on your compliments debbie deb debbie ah [ __ ] six yo where's debbie you didn't tell her did you i tried to but she wanted to [ __ ] i don't want to be rude she showed up naked and i showed up with a boner well she left you a little message sorry i can't be at the bank with you good luck today [ __ ] i gotta call her dude and tell her what the truth the truth look you're gonna sabotage us i'm not trying to sabotage but she put up too much [ __ ] money trust me let me call her real quick [ __ ] voicemail good we got to cancel this meeting listen this is all i have i sold my man i have nothing i don't want to [ __ ] her over and i don't [ __ ] you over you're my best friend but we got to tell somebody the truth somewhere we got to figure something out wait a minute i might have something there's this thing on here called powerpoint with a few adjustments some editing cut pace can i ask you something how the [ __ ] did you get so good on a computer mrs hunt's typing class damn i should have paid attention i kept staring at mrs hunt's legs i got it i wish debbie would have called me back this morning it's actually better like this once you see we've turned around these stiff types should be ready to jump on board shall we begin the presentation oh we're not ready just yet ah this chili is goddamn it's good you spiked it i put a little product in it i see you uh gentlemen have a loan guarantor miss sanchez uh she can't be here today but she's ready to sign the papers upon the bank's approval do we have any bigger spoons okay time for the presentation this is our projected income yep uh hold on go back a slide um do you have any actual numbers for your projected profit no but it will look like this the money i'm going to stack it better yeah these are some ingredients mainly beans tomatoes this is greg he's the cow um uh what what uh stop the clog go back uh slide or two greg forward go forward one slide thank you back back back back back back i'm sorry was that is that marijuana it's legal cannabis all right can we get the lights back on no no no sir sir let me understand something here you're gonna sell chili that has marijuana in it yes that's why it's called the chili pot chili pot chili pot all right i think we can stop here a pot restaurant is not the sort of establishment that our bank can support it would be bad for our image actually i was going to address that uh can we continue i really don't see the point please there's more chili ah please there's lots of them okay all right all right go go for it go just that's very full all right weed has been a part of our history and our fabric when washington was crossing the delaware do you think he was sober i mean who stands up in a boat a high man george washington weed smoker ben franklin you think that hey let's go fly a kite in the middle of a storm with a sober idea that's where the term high as a kite comes from ben franklin thong owner there's his supplier cancer the big c many people in this town have it and are going to die from it soon shouldn't they have access to something that's going to make the time pass slower we do that picture thousands of tombstones that read my death was not quick thanks to pelican point bank marijuana gateway drug right wrong marijuana is a gateway to pancakes cinnabon anything ending in eato fritos doritos cheetos burritos hundreds of foods that may not be palatable to the normal taste bud but to somebody on marijuana delicious and they go out hunting for it night after night pelican point bank economy stimulator marijuana is not only embraced by the outcast now it is mainstream some former potheads and current are doing very well for themselves right now woody harrelson sean penn snoop dogg i thought you couldn't make it i'm eating that out earlier merle haggard bill clinton you didn't tell me it was a marijuana restaurant the king of the month what barack obama the commander-in-chief god bless this conference room and god bless america debbie debbie i was gonna tell you when when were you gonna tell me after i co-signed the loan i i know this looks bad oh my god you've been lying to me this whole time i trusted you around my son i don't know what to say but i'm sorry i'm sorry i didn't realize how my actions would affect people how about this one i'm sorry you found weed in brad's backpack this morning yeah i did listen no i'm done listening to you you're [ __ ] irresponsible man child you suck me in you make me think i can live this carefree day-to-day life but you forgot to tell me the secret it only works if you don't grow up but you wouldn't realize that you didn't think that's true because that takes reflection [Music] you know what really hurts i started to believe in us again [Music] [Music] so [Music] hey hey did you get the loan no i left a note for your mom inside wait wait wait wait wait you're leaving your mom found out about the restaurant she's pissed she says we're bad role models she said that she's right we're [ __ ] idiots and do yourself a favor and stop hiding your weed in your backpack she went through my stuff are you kidding me god that's what the note's about told her the weed was mine that i put it in there you didn't know anything about it so you're good no no no no no you can't say that because you got to go get that note because if you say that then she's not going to let you guys come back it's too late buddy no this is [ __ ] man i was smoking weed long before you guys ever showed up all right this is my fault i'll take the rep i'll tell her the honest truth it'll be fine she'll let you guys stay okay listen when you get older you'll understand right now things aren't as clear-cut as they seem besides what's really important is your mom believes in your innocence rather than mine here's the key [Music] oh this [ __ ] was way easier to do 30 years ago still mad at me dude i can't believe you left me man it would have worked if you just waited a couple seconds look man i had to do something there'll be other banks but there's only one debbie i had to take a shot if it makes you feel any better i lost her too it does make me feel a little better i didn't want to lose my best friend as well just love me man stop why won't you hug me we slept together for 30 years you won't hug me now you make it a pbs moment man i'm not inside you damn it holy [ __ ] what look at that what right there where the light is you know what a tree oh [ __ ] we'd never used to grow there before maybe the bird droppings have been dropping on the tree acting as fertilizer no there used to be trees there now the sun can get through and it's reflecting off the rocket growing takes reflection three time three is eight debbie said it to me i didn't know what the [ __ ] she was talking about i don't know what the [ __ ] you talking about because there's no trees there the sunlight can get through it reflects off the rock and it feeds the weed if we clear all these trees away on the side of this hill with all that light we won't need a loan exactly oh [ __ ] we'll be weed farmers we're gonna be rich [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] pineapple we're out of all that pasta oh okay well i'll let him know oh hey yep is it yes this is it this is it hmm you have artwork too yeah it was reeves idea it's interesting this is the angel covered in angela fly lord of the flies okay so um can you sit down for a minute need any avon how's my favorite client what are you doing here remember how i knew a guy who knew a guy turns out he knows a guy g15 primo [ __ ] we're surprised [Music] surprised to see you here and i want you you don't like chili just kidding it's weed how much you're against weed well you know i just want to keep it away from brad as long as possible i want to keep him innocent so moms too um tomorrow night there is an old school concert you want to go with me you mean you and you and me yeah together yeah uh yeah please does that mean uh you forgive me well baby steps you know why why because what you did for brad i know you covered up for him about that weed in his backpack and i know that you've been helping him with his schoolwork for the past few months and he's been doing great thank you i think you could thank yourself a little bit too it was a selfless act oh i did a selfie set yes yeah i know i i did that on purpose i'm really good at being selfless here's another selfless act i'd like to do no that was selfish nope that was definitely not shellfish that was mint um that was not selfless you know how i knew because it made you smile come here you want to get out of here uh yes please yes i do just let me go tell reeves i'm leaving [Music] okay [Music] [Music] i want that [Music] oh [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] forget your worries ain't going nowhere not in [Music] [Music] me to hit [Music] [Music] i want that [Music] oh okay [Music] [Music] i [Applause] [Music] um [Music] um you

Channel: Popcornflix

Views: 4,361,659

Keywords: ripped full movie, ripped movie 2017, ripped, ripped movie, watch ripped free, Popcornflix, Full movies English, #popcornflix, russell peters, russell peters full show, russell peters be a man, ripped russell peters, faizon love, stoner comedy, new stoner comedy movies, comedy movies 2017, new comedy movies, funniest new comedies, Alex Meneses

Id: huzhPzLwGz0

Length: 87min 23sec (5243 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 01 2021