Doug Stanhope Deadbeat Hero - Stand up Comedy

[Applause] you work hard all week don't ya don't do that don't drink on weekends either people come up Friday Saturday and don't drink if you're gonna feel like [ __ ] tomorrow did drink Sunday through Thursday if you're gonna feel like [ __ ] dude on the company dime what are you gonna do on Monday morning that you need to be wide awake and alert for WOD deliver Pepsi products we'll do it with a hangover [ __ ] them drink on the job waste your nice weekend you'd be doing something good for yourself I'm only drinking tonight just to keep up my Cal Ripken like perfect attendance streak it's just token you know whatever if you don't do [ __ ] you hate people work jobs hate hate is there's another way whatever it is you do [ __ ] quit going Monday and steal a bunch of [ __ ] and quit if you don't absolutely love it if you wouldn't do it for free and steal big [ __ ] - don't grab some young stationery and paper clips just to make a statement grab some big cash registers and computer monitor - get the [ __ ] out people talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just cuz it sucks less than what they used to do that sucked a lot and they'll try to convince you like it's gonna make them really enjoy I love my job they regurgitate [ __ ] their guidance counselor taught him in high school that got him into a shitty job to begin with and they regurgitate all that rhetoric they say I like my job at Banana Republic because I get to work with people who are good people you stack pants for [ __ ] sake the people you meet say I'm just looking and they try to get away from you that's not gonna work with people go to [ __ ] something you know dude sumit oh I had two women walk out of a show in Minneapolis which is nothing out of the ordinary people will leave it I go on stages like I'm leading you into battle you're not all gonna be here at the end just try not to take it too seriously eventually I'm gonna hit a subject that you're gonna be queer about and go yeah but don't just wait for the next joke and go take a piss or whatever you have to do when I don't get all upset I am I'm probably wrong about half the [ __ ] I say and I'm you can find me to be a hypocrite about sigh I will call you stupid for not knowing [ __ ] that I just found out yesterday what do you think people don't pick up you don't read a conspiracy theory calm you [ __ ] losers I put that yesterday I'm smart I had two women walk out of a show in Minneapolis and again it wasn't because it was it wasn't something I said it wasn't they that some people just show up places to complain that's their form of entertainment it's complaining they just can't wait to [ __ ] and these women walked out and they caused a ruckus with the manager in the lobby because I'm drunk that's their reason that you see he's just drunk up there that we didn't pay to see this look at him he's obviously drunk it's just drunk is that you got I'm not driving a bus [ __ ] what do you I'm a comic I'm saying stuff words are coming out of my mouth it's not like I'm curled up beetle I [ __ ] my pants it's not like I'm a spectacle comic what do you give them [ __ ] there's like that it looks like the steroids in baseball what do you give a [ __ ] you just paid to watch balls fly over your head like a [ __ ] a ball we what do you care what makes it go out let's I go into a titty bar and complaining cuz your lap dancer is a communist so what the tits are out did you pay to see are you alcohol doesn't get credit where credit is due and it's not the best drug it's not even in the top five but it's it's the easiest one to get and we are a fat lazy country of convenience and alcohol is a very convenient drug if this were this was an ecstasy bar I would come in I'd order a large I'd be drinking Evian right now right but but it ain't that easy to get and at the same time if drinking required that I had to sit in a [ __ ] Denny's parking lot for two hours in the middle of the night waiting for my friend Alan to answer his voicemail and quietly show up just to drop off a six-pack yeah I'd never drink again a lazy [ __ ] but it's got benefits it doesn't get the credit you can find every statistic and number in pie chart for where alcohol has ruined the party but you the benefits for a while airline flight attendants we're trying to lobby to get alcohol taken off of airplanes because they said you know 91 percent of all air rage incidents are alcohol-related okay fine how much air rage is averted because of alcohol right how many times was someone just about to choke out that sky cut that should have been replaced by a Coke machine years ago then a war is not out since 9/11 they're all full of that hero syndrome in their head and they think that a last line of defense to the cockpit rather than a waste of space and polyester and maybe someone gets on the plane and he's just been finger-fuck way too many times trying to get from point A to point B and waiting in lines and screened and searches it's everything but looking in your ass is the only difference between that and a prison search and it goes through that he gets to the front gate and they go yeah we accidentally oversold this flight we're looking for volunteers who will sit another night in Memphis cuz we goofed and oversold the flooding if I had a used car and I sold it to three different people and I took cash they all show up on the same day to pick it up um I'm looking for two volunteers who July I accidentally oversold this piece-of-shit Dodge Omni up would [ __ ] kick me in the balls I would be doing jail time for fraud maybe someone goes through all that and he's about to tear out the larynx of the pig that tells him to sit up straight there and take off cuz he's had enough but no he has a few vodka call his first and he chills out just enough to let her live one more day how many times has alcohol been the hero how many highway fatalities have been caused because of the point oh eight DUI law where everyone is so paranoid now then one [ __ ] thick neck like you has to light beers at happy hour but you're so paranoid because of the DUI laws you're driving home you're not even looking at the road you're just staring in a rear-view mirror looking for cost you don't even notice you hit a kid on a bike and a crosswalk you can't find the numbers on [ __ ] like that right I think a drug dealer sells me drugs and I go haywire and [ __ ] up nothing blame the drug dealer I think you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk looking for cops you should blame the cops there's only two types of people who are against drugs to people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs and everyone else has to suffer that's that's why the whole medicinal marijuana thing I mean I've done some benefits for them but uh first of all I'm not a pot smoker I've tried it gave it plenty of opportunities it didn't work for me if it works for you have at it but uh but but just an argument where it's it's a prodrug argument but the fact that they have to say it's you know this is just about medicine knows if you're gonna have a prodrug argument start the argument where it starts it's my [ __ ] business [ __ ] off I mean you don't put that on the sign you're gonna use tax and stuff that I don't have that's why I'm not in charge of any of those things but I mean but but they have to do with that the reason it boils down to old [ __ ] vote and that's the problem with this country old [ __ ] vote and we don't we have [ __ ] to do old [ __ ] have nothing to do but judge you and vote they don't have to work at UPS on supertuesday they have nothing to do hang around the polls judge you and vote they're bitter why is he smiling it must be something wrong with you boat knowing whatever it is he's doing smiling we don't vote we got [ __ ] to do right and that's why they have to put the argument in old people context don't worry old people are gonna baby boomers are gonna start to die in droves and it's a good thing I know a lot of them are parents but sorry you're gonna go sorry ma goodbye right yeah your days over and there's new [ __ ] that you won't accept because you people do that now old B way they look back at the good old days and it was good because they were young but they act like it was the day no it was cuz youth is good that's gone you're [ __ ] it's not the day and then they reject anything that's new is like we do with [ __ ] hip hop if you're in your thirties uh [ __ ] that Eddy music we had music back when 38 special was around I know I'll kill ourselves for the hypocrisy right but that's why they used the medicinal marijuana argument cuz that is if you put it in a medical context now old people are all sympathy and heartstrings you know you oh yeah oh we don't want to get high this is really just about Jimmy when glaucoma bring out milky eye Jim he gets to be old people and old people see the Milky eyes and they go my friend friend from Normandy had milky eyes the last half a Zalman vote yes right and there's a [ __ ] argument but it wastes too much time start the argument where it starts now I have the right to do whatever the hell I want to my own body if it kills me slowly happy for me [ __ ] you clack clack stop me alright start the argument cuz you're wasting like you're gonna spend you're gonna spend 25 years so milky I Jim can get a government subsidized bong hit of some dirt weed I want to buy mushrooms at Walmart tomorrow let's try to just fight this one out all illegal narcotics are medicinal boredom is a disease worse than cancer drugs cure it with little or no bad side effects if used as directed life's temporary for a reason it's it gets boring after a while it does it's like a good sitcom it lasts so many seasons and then they've got nothing else to do no more ideas so they add up like an alien or an adopted kid and then it's off the air and you go thank God it's over cuz life gets boring as [ __ ] I'm 37 I'm already bored nothing I've got I've had a weird life I've done some crazy [ __ ] but I did it too quick and I got no more ideas my imagination can't keep up with him I'll cook the corn out of my did I invent new drugs that's what you should be doing don't fight the old ones fight to get new weirder ones er something weirder establishments to do a man and better and more holes that's what you ladies need more holes that was that would help out that would perk me up I knew an exciting hole that hole right-wing they're all against the cloning because they're afraid of the mutations well science is in advance all the mutations we could have oh maybe the mutations is where we find the answer huh maybe I accidentally spit out a little girl baby that's got 44 of 90 holes all over her body there's big flappy ugly holes and you go on now a long term commitment is a viable option where is the dowry I want that one but an Everlasting why do you always try to [ __ ] me in the shoulder hole I didn't do that cuz you won't let me [ __ ] your shoulder hole why can't you just make love to my chest cavity like when we first met you're all sweet all the time well just let me put the head in it it's sores stop it I think you're gay that's a good day mutations are exciting there's not nearly enough of them they tried to fix him when they come to gin just to see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they try to cut it apart this is hilarious denote a very you know that there was a to edit this what they've been for in the last the year all in Central America I don't know what they put in the water but I'm going down there cuz but there were like four in a year and they try to separate them all I think one survived the one out of four they're good for which still keeps you in the majors but yeah but the other ones I understood why they cut it apart cuz then the other ones were the regular side-by-side Siamese twins and we've all seen that so yeah Sherlock one of them up but great there's detached at the sternum sure cut him apart when it's a hack oddity it's like having a bearded lady baby okay we've seen it shave it go ahead I don't but this one was it this one was this special about that had the second head growing out of the top of the bottom head it's good it's good a totem pole is a townhouse head baby the condo and that's unprecedented keep that one around douche bags you know try to sister that one apart I want to see that one grow that now I get the Guinness Book World Records again to see this one as a full-grown little lady right come on me they had to they had to cut it off and this is why I understood cuz they had to try to talk take the top one off well I mean obviously they can't cut the bottom one off and move the top one but but they said they said they had to move tape they took off the top head because it was a had an underdeveloped brain it had little formed eyes and lips but it had an underdeveloped brain and you can't do that to the low baby without its consent right I mean I have friends who work with developmentally disabled people and on their own free will and then it's a really ambitious thing you're gonna have a lot of heart to do that but you can't just stick a kid with a [ __ ] that close to it your whole life just trying to go through your day as a just trying to read your Nancy Drew mysteries and it's update [Music] aina Rees drilling Cheerios on me you can't do that good but but I'm telling you you know what this club has some of the hottest waitresses you'll see in any club around here and just let me tell you this let me tell you this if I was upstairs at the bar and all of these waitresses were sitting along the bar butt-ass naked and a full-grown two-headed girl baby walked into the bar for a cocktail I would turn away from the naked girls it goes straight to her like a bug light cuz that would be interesting [ __ ] you you yeah I'm sick [ __ ] you wouldn't [ __ ] if I two-headed girl baby came into the bar and you're all alone sitting up there at last call you're gonna tell me you wouldn't at least get an R in the toilet just to tell your friends you've finally had that menage at Juan they were twins that's all I'm saying they were twins in sisters not the [ __ ] one that you [ __ ] mouth [ __ ] the low headed baby wouldn't work you guys and you'd have to do it in that 69 position with you on top so that way your balls are muffled the mouth of the rug rubber head you because you can't come when you're you trying to concentrate hey well I want to swing sad bad right so you'd have to have the balls laying over please tell you [ __ ] in that and you certainly couldn't get it in the fourth couldn't get it in the Orthodox kneeling position cuz then brother heads looking up at y'all wall I do do you like my sister oh thank you sister look down what I need I need me I need a 44 hold two-headed baby girl that's the only way I can come you know is tempting me a lot lately the transvestites [ __ ] you judge not lest you be judged my friend they're good now do you get this the transvestites they build them from scratch now it's not like that we've got a 25 years ago and transvestites just some old dude in a wig on a Dunkin Donuts commercial time to make the donuts [ __ ] know they're good you don't even have to pretend you got tricked anymore right so what do you kids a big they get everything they got the breast implants and they got the ass implants they get cheek implants they got hair extensions they got all the electrolysis and collagen lips and you're going up how much surgery do they need before I'm not gay for doing it there's gonna be some line in the sand that you draw right I'm staring right at her topless in a g-string and I don't I'm going I know you got a penis but even if she had a vagina I still probably try to Boone her in the ass anyway so that's a difference how do I lose I don't need any new friends of respect from you that's why I that's why I eat breakfast in a place in LA it's called the Yukon mining company it's a [ __ ] restaurant but it's gonna smoking patios its outdoor so I can actually smoke and eat my breakfast at the same time ooh what a free country we live in hey man how's it going I forget your name how you doing good to see you anyway some guy I know I can't remember ah yeah so I eat breakfast there and because yeah but Santa Monica Boulevard that's where all the transvestites hang out now lates good and you see transvestite Seattle you have plenty of I'm sure you you drive past the game bar on Saturday night you see them all lined up dressed up like Judy Tenuta or Diana Ross or something but you see the nighttime dolled up transvestites all ready to you know lip-sync are you Billy ocean song or something whatever they do or you don't see the breakfast transvestites a breakfast transvestite that's the one that will queer you away from the nighttime transvestite coz when you see them shuffling in at 8:30 in the morning they don't have a wig on anymore the makeup is all smudged it five o'clock shadow shooting through it they still got really nice tits but the dick is flopping around in sweat pants with no underwear here and you're going mad thank God I didn't have that last shot of Jagermeister this could have been an awkward goodbye [Applause] you see the Mississippi dildo bust yesterday again as one person was on CNN the three states of now it's a part of the whole FCC and the indecency crackdown they're having and now three states of enforcing anti dildo laws I don't know what they call it what anti dildo pretty much gets the point they was on CNN footage of big fat pig cop walking out with [ __ ] garbage bags of dildos smiling cuz he's real he's finally put his foot down and then head Pig dildo is talking to about how it's to protect the physical and mental safety of our citizens oh yeah you yeah the physical yeah what if one of these double dongers had got into the hand of a child what happens then you don't want to see the child that has tried to use this implement of Satan into it this could pull your anus inside out like the elephant's trunk we want to see our children walking down the street holding their lunchbox in one hand and their truncated rectum and the other lack of bleeding sees fake [ __ ] said I'm not picking on cop cop sir for the most part cops are just doing their job and I did I had to do a benefit show and I make jokes about cops cuz they're an easy target for a joke but I had to do a benefit show for fallen uh families of fallen police officers and I mean it's something makes you think hey cuz they you do [ __ ] with it but you makes you realize they do risk their lives every day and get [ __ ] on all around you're a cop and you're sitting here I'll buy your next drink seriously alright are you a cop they're in training this is sweet cuz I'm lying no I'm making all this [ __ ] up this is a sting operation as you're training right here you know you know how the cops do you when you get a warrant you forget to pay a traffic ticket so they send you a thing hey you want a free TV and you go woohoo I'm a winner and you run down there with your thumb in your ass hey I'm a winner and then they arrest you and make money on the news this is a reverse thing yes I just want to see where you egomaniacs are sitting in case I want to score drugs after the show I know who to avoid Oh I did a benefit for fallen police officers yeah it was called the pigs in blankets foundation I masturbated through the whole event with a pinwheel hat on right in the front row they don't risk their lives for you he's gonna risk his life but is good what since when did risking your life become something that people see is out of the ordinary everyone people risk their lives all the time every day and then they do it for fun they they drink and drive and they bungee jump and they do crazy [ __ ] all the time it's not because of you they've [ __ ] last call [ __ ] without a condom whoo that ain't risking their life for the [ __ ] right people risk don't risk their lives for you they risk their lives for the the low level of celebrity involved in being a cop you risk it it's all about the ego people wrestle alligators too but never once has someone done it without an audience all right you see what I'm saying you're the culture if I were a cop I'd be angry [ __ ] right now and I'll tell you why because the hero [ __ ] that motivated you into the force after 9/11 there was a such an amazing glut of hero [ __ ] cops couldn't walk out of their house you didn't have to be anywhere near New York City cops all across there girls just see the uniform and they would stop drop and suck his dick he's a hero then a girl hero hit that hero they're good you couldn't walk out of your house without hero [ __ ] being vaulted at you out of a catapult like rotted octopus slapping you in the face Europe was you'd have to carry a tennis racket if you gone through tennis racket training yet you carry a tennis racket the SWAT hero [ __ ] to the ground so you can get to your call in time and that placated you for a while all the costs are happy for a while but then the war started and the hero [ __ ] market all shipped into the military all the military guys are getting a hero [ __ ] and the cops are there still cops today you can spot them in bars they'll carry pictures of the twin towers around with them trying to remind the dumb chicks remember me I'm on homeland defense yeah yeah this could happen right here and Renton if I wasn't very vigilant we at least touch it where your stanky friend watch me Jack something who's your friend in the camouflage [ __ ] this I'm joined in the fire department this is [ __ ] the troops though troops at divet do you got to support the troops right wrong again keep trying but I I'm not saying don't support the troops I'm saying I support people on an individual basis I gotta beat the truth first if I meet the troop he's a cool trim we drink tanned he doesn't turn into a dildo yeah God support him I'll support him no matter what he does I'll write his specific name on the yellow ribbon so they know it's just a PFC James Campbell or whatever his [ __ ] name is and then he can do whatever he wants he could go AWOL or drop bombs on his own guys and Canadians or whatever and I'll go hey he's having a bad day I know that guy drank with him he's cool right but some troops of [ __ ] some troops him you know them they're some of [ __ ] [ __ ] I was down in Killeen Texas by Fort Hood there was a troop down there in a bar and he wanted to hammer my head flat cuz I accidentally dumped over his piss warm draft beer and he was [ __ ] you know how they get the [ __ ] four arms swinging forward [ __ ] monkey redneck [ __ ] off I want to kick my ass I didn't support that troop during the war I did not that trip was a [ __ ] and I hoped he died first that's the only reason I watched that boring yeah ya know I wanted to see his little peanut head explode on CNN on a choppy sad like because he's a [ __ ] [ __ ] he's not fighting for your freedom he's fighting cuz he's a psychopath that wants to kill somebody he found a good outlet and that's good right that's why I'm Pro war as long as it's voluntary this war was voluntary I mean there's no draft they weren't yanking kids out of the inner city and making them go fight a war everyone who joined the military joined the mill military because they kind of want to go kill other people right and that's good that's your instinct your instinct is your true God follow it if you just want to [ __ ] kill someone there's a place for it the go to the military as long as people who kind of want to go kill other people are going to kill other people who kind of want to go kill other people you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces cuz people who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with cuz I get mouthy when I drink so go you know yeah have a big killing free-for-all make up wars fight over Antarctica call it manifest destiny and do it on through twelve man teams from different countries on paintball fields with real weapons and put it on pay-per-view let it generate his own revenue so it's not sucking our [ __ ] supplies dry right military should be you should be able to quit anytime you want that way they really have to sell you on the war they can't just like suck in with you know some [ __ ] 18 years old we don't know what you do that's what people say that's not true they don't I want to kill people some people just join the military because they need college money then they're idiots and college wasn't gonna help right there's plenty of other ways to get college money suck a dick rob a guy steal a car steal a pallet of that [ __ ] off the forklift you run it ups and sell it out of a van on a highway off-ramp swing around the brass pole a few times Jessica Lynch you'll have plenty of college money and never leave West Virginia boom keep war going don't have a war against terrorism jealous terrorism is a brilliant form of warfare sorry it's being used inappropriately now the terrorists we have now they just are bad at it they're using it in an inappropriate and ineffective fashion but terrorism is a form of warfare how do you have a how do you have rules for war what's that all about well that's uh um Saddam Hussein he was ready to use chemical weapons that's against the rules [ __ ] you there's a war [ __ ] fighting to get out no rules this is a wait what's a Geneva Convention is what's that sick [ __ ] you got rules for oh we're gonna kill each other by the hundreds of thousands not us of course poor people's kids but if we're gonna do it let's shot jot down some rules right now what a day can they hit him in the face with a garden rake gentlemen what do you think yeah okay all right everyone in yeah hit him in the face when a guard break is okay what about our nation of no that's chemical that's fighting like a fairy no mason that's what girls use that fight like a girly right was it it's a war yeah if you attack me I'm a weaker country I will use any weapon i I have I will chemical weapon nuclear weapon girly eye gouge sucker nut punch dog [ __ ] in a wrist rocket you know whatever away from me go yeah it's a war fight it or quit crying baguette and yes if you're in here and you're gay and you're offended that I'm using the word [ __ ] I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show cuz [ __ ] way too good of a word oh I just into a [ __ ] it's good son you know it's not even a gate there I'll suck your dick I'll turn queer to keep the word I don't care myself respect me shot years ago I stopped succumbing to them there's it's like cut the [ __ ] is a great word but it's more it's more impressive if you use it on a guy's right you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] that's all you are see how it's more powerful cuz it's confusing it's like calling a redneck a [ __ ] they don't no idea how to react [Music] [Applause] [Music] terrorism can work I'm trying to talk my mother into being a suicide bomber right now what seriously yeah because she fits she fits the profile she's uh she's terminally ill basically it hasn't been diagnosed but she's she's been changed smoking cool mild 100's for forty eight years she couldn't walk up onto this stage without coughing up chunks of green [ __ ] all over your nachos like some kind of respiratory Gallagher event and she's miserable said she really is a miserable angry person I moved throughout the florida is six years ago some I moved her and her seven cats get him a one-bedroom apartment in Hollywood and all she's done in the last six years and sit in that apartment and farm cats and change smoke and [ __ ] it's down to three cats now with one kind of teetering on the fences cuz they just sit there in her apartment in the secondhand smoke they did they she won't even let him outside and have a decent chance of chucking themselves under a bus tire and if I can end it right they know that it's too dangerous on the streets you keep the cats in so to say breathe the secondhand smoke and then it turns into third-hand smoke forth and smoke that's what the cats they're like furry air filters that's all it haleh Arden and then not even furry cuz they don't there they're all greasy with nicotine like old curtains and they and they die right in front of her and she doesn't even notice for days because she's watching crossing over with John Edwards trying to fit figure out where she'll be in a month drinking dollar storm robitussin trying to cure throat cancer it's not gonna work maja come on and she she's just a hateful angry just hates Emma she hates the traffic and she hates the neighbors and this God and she hates you when she ain't just hates she's like me without jokes she says it hateful but she loves me she'd do anything for me and she's suicidal I mean in a logical sense they it's not a desperate I can't go on another day and she's suicidal in that way she knows that day's coming when when the lung tumors get bigger than the breast implants she's gonna cash out she that she's not a woman who wants to die with a lot of tubes going in and out of hers milking off the state is she's gonna cash out but instead of giving her the big bottle of xanax in the quart of vodka like my brother and I have planned for her for the last few years why not instead seriously rig her up with some heavy explosives and have her take out some [ __ ] we all hate on our way out nothing with a political agenda like the terrorists of today no oh this will solve Middle East peace kaboom no just take out some [ __ ] that we all hate some personal pet peeve as an irritant never take out a DUI roadblock or uh Ashton Kutcher or is someone as an irritant to everybody some no one would complain about cousin Terry did you ever eat a subway breakfast sandwich it's a damn good sandwich is it because it comes on the same bun it's the regular deli style bun that all the other sandwiches every fast-food place has to put their breakfast sandwiches on something crazy it's on a Mick pancake er no it's a Nikki croissant or a wacky biscuit or but the subway you can put it on a regular bun and it comes you can put vegetables on it so it gives you the illusion that it's good for you and I love the placebo effect I'm a sucker for it but you can't get it after 11:00 I can sleep till 1:00 or 9:00 at night depending on what narcotics are still floating around system right but I still try to get the breakfast sandwich and I'll go ahead hey come on give me a hug and cheese and the kid will say I'm sorry sir it's after 11:00 we put all that stuff away you didn't put it away it's in the second green cabinet it's right there honest this place is as big as a fotomat there is no away in the building you don't own away there's no Brinks truck that pulls up at 11:02 and Yanks out the eggs underarm garden and you just you just programmed to do this so I don't want to give him [ __ ] and he's got enough [ __ ] in his life he's gonna wear a paper hat and I'm a sandwich artist polo shirt and frat guys flick him [ __ ] all day long dad I said no tomatoes dude put tomatoes on it shut so I don't want to pile onto his misery but come on think just think this one through it says it the entire breakfast menu at Subway consists of nothing but the egg it's all the same sandwiches they serve all day long plus an egg you you don't have to fire up the griddle for the flat Jackson but is it not a process like other restaurants you really do have to stop at 11:00 cuz they have a real [ __ ] menu but you don't you're just stealing their rules with you for no reason there's an extension I don't want to be a dick to you but it's not even a real [ __ ] egg man this is a this is a prepackaged egg like patty product that sits in a stack of egg patties in the second green cabinet it's right next to the bacon that you serve all day if I order a BLT right now I'll see the away eggs sit right excellent I'd say the eggs are done away and I don't want to give you [ __ ] I'm gonna give you one more opportunity think this through I please just give me an egg and cheese and the kids gonna say I'm sorry sir I'm gonna say no this time I'm sorry mother and mother mother will come trudging interred in a ratty terry cloth bathrobe with c-4 explosives strapped head to toe cool mild 101 hand dead cat and the other like Gale Sayers or a Heisman Trophy plunger and she's gonna say yeah bye and now terrorism has worked as a positive for all of us some big cheese up in the subway towers gonna read that story there's gonna go why didn't he just give him a [ __ ] egg it's in the second real cabinet if they go by franchise rules and I wouldn't kill any I wouldn't take innocent lives what I do the mother wants to go that's her choice and I wouldn't kill the subway kid cuz I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper so she'd just go the subway can't just go oh but it would stay with them cuz they think next time right is it such a such an amazing lack of logic that's prevalent in our society and everyone just takes it we just take it that's just the way it is tradition that's our policy [ __ ] that if it's stupid change it that's the law if it's dumb lon don't have it right I'm trying to work on a system just to simplify it so I like I think we can I'm working on a system where we can eliminate currency worldwide where we don't even have to use currency so I don't have to figure out math and incomes in debt just replace currency with a system of [ __ ] and cheeseburgers cuz that's really all you need at the end of the day nice car I'll suck your dick for it I just got my dick sell you anything to eat all right is it cheeseburger there's kinks in the system that I haven't worked the Hindus for instance that's a problem with the cheeseburgers and I gotta work it all out but when I do things are gonna change on all the other issues I'm pretty tight on immigration I don't I got kind of I don't have it there's too many people in this [ __ ] country but I think if you're gonna focus on keeping people out you're gonna focus on the people who don't contribute to society that's a no-brainer but and there's a specific group of over 4 million people they come into this country every year and don't contribute a [ __ ] thing and everyone knows who I'm talking about but no one wants to say it cuz it's politically incorrect but [ __ ] that you know who I'm talking about officer Bob you know what I'm talking about who am I talking babies that's who I'm talking about babies then come out of your hole they come into this country they don't speak the language they don't want to work they just take and they take and they cause a ruckus and they waste all of our natural resources I say put the Border Patrol agent at the foot of your uterus anything comes out without a visa you kick it back in the hole what's your name you're not on the list get back behind the velvet rope the club is over full we'll call you when we need you sick the amount of people Oh Doug don't you do an anti baby bid on every CD yes cuz you won't stop having them so I'm gonna keep saving almost every problem in the world boils down to too many [ __ ] people and I'm not just talking about uh my I had my mastectomy I have no children anyone else had a vasectomy [Music] who did did you go get him a drink that's a true American Hero right there don't name the [ __ ] Memorial Highway after him after he gets thing after that guy every time you get a good parking space there you go today you can remember that guy yes next he's the guy who didn't have some a park in there every time your fur gets stuck in traffic yeah you think about the breeders when you really have no traffic at all today thank you how long before you blew a nut after you had it you remember uh two weeks yeah I would eight days two weeks huh at eight days cuz they tell you wait 72 hours and I developed what they call granular if you don't know how they do a vasectomy um what they do is they go in and they make a small incision on each side of your scrote sack and then they go in with the tweezer things and they remove your courage and your confidence and your social skills and your sense of humor and your need for any personal hygiene and they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing so I had that done out of respect for the rule and they're telling me and then I get granulomas is where you continue to leak semen in your bag sack and then your bag sack start swelling up bigger bigger every day did you get that no as long as I have pictures of it on my website because people thought I was exaggerating as if it was a it was a like I called it the Hindenburg it was like a hippity-hop it makes me my legs who was like the blueberry kid from Willy Wonka is his goodness and then telling me wait 72 hours I've got what kind of superheroes checking out with this going on six days in I think I would I waited eight days in the only and I didn't even want to jack off then but you go eight days without I've never gone eight days in my natural load blowing life without anything at all but weird [ __ ] happens in your head after that about it that night I'm getting I'm getting deviant thought watching TV commercials that don't even have people in them yeah I could do something I jacked off with my eyes closed and two fingers is squinting like a like a little girl in a horror movies I don't want to see what's coming out of their blood or stitches or chilly I didn't think I needed a vasectomy I was like a some convenient frame of mind cuz I've been I've dumped irresponsible nuts my whole life but never came up unlucky right with the baby so I thought I figured with all the [ __ ] I've done to my body I I was surprised I add sperm that was still white much less potent exactly so and then I knock up my wife a year and a half ago it was the first abortion as if only abortion I've had but it was might have been the longest abortion of all time it would took a month to have has anyone had an abortion you're all wrapped with the attention now all of a sudden and so I assume you all have it's a [ __ ] horrible thing to go to okay they're not horrible in that oh it's a living thing what are we doing quite a living thing a genital wart is a living thing if it's gonna irritate you for life burn it off right bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you if you try to remove that I'll protest you and say stop playing God it's horrible in the God because we panicked and didn't do any research and because you have options when it comes to abortion now it's not like 1955 where you just had a kicker down a staircase and hope for the best right we got if [ __ ] you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y now you have medical options I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live on a crowded airplane so it might serve as an example to living babies on that we're already on board and thinking about screaming through the whole flight a little scared straight program for the infants but can't do that but but we did the ru-486 cuz it sounded easy yeah it sounds like you oh it's an abortion pill Hey what do you want surgery or a pill there you go that sounds like you just take a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come and she leaves a quarter under your womb and no one knows was the wiser but no it was it was a long story and I won't get into the graphic details about but it would take a month to have this as a and what was more [ __ ] up is how they treat you they I don't know but it was just this clinic because we had to go to two different ones of the same brand but they were all [ __ ] [ __ ] and they treated you like [ __ ] because they can and that's a problem even though abortion is legal yeah for a limited time only get them while they're hot girls cuz john ashcroft came to town he knows your body better than you trust your government that blue light special is about to end but but even though it's legal it still lives in that gray area of shame where if you even bring it up in a basement drunken comedy club it creates a church like bingo hall silence and that's and that's how they treat you like [ __ ] because they can get away with it it's like it's like dildos right that legal except in Mississippi you're going to jail for that they're legal say you want to go to get a dildo tonight you go out to the smut shop you want it you get a nice top shelf and blue wiggler and he'd bring it home and you jam the batteries in it and but then the neck doesn't swivel quite right for the g-spot and then the little rubber rabbit doesn't quite reach you clitoris like it says it will on the box what are you gonna do bring it back you gotta get half liquored up on drab beer just to walk into that joint much less stop by Monday morning on the way to your accountant position when you're laughing I need to talk to someone this doesn't reach my clitoris is something can I try on a different with you they're gonna tell you to pounce and and get out of the store who are you gonna call the Better Business Bureau I have clitoral rights and I was denied them it's the same with an abortion you know they know they can be as they know I'm not gonna walk into a crowded clinic with my wife and slap my hand down on the Formica this is the worst abortion I have ever had I want to see your manager I want to talk to your manager you call this an abortion Hansa I would be embarrassed to put out this kind of workmanship my friend I'm gonna tell my friends about this yes I am I'm not gonna have my abortions here anymore you have lost a very valuable customer today my friend I cutting up my priority Club membership card oh you're gonna [ __ ] stare at me like you don't have any yeah fine before you actually go and get all quiet and pissy like I'm some [ __ ] about this keep in mind I'm just telling the other parts that I think are funny you don't know the reason we had the reason we had an abortion was we had it wasn't because it wasn't frivolous we didn't have an abortion cuz we weren't ready to take care of a child and we're irresponsible or because we're not financially capable of taking the reason we had it is cuz I really wanted to see what it felt like to kill a baby [Music] I just didn't want you to judge [Applause] you know your priest will tell you your priest will tell you that abortion is wrong because your priest will tell you that life begins at conception but a priest will also tell you it's okay to suck his dick when you're only 12 so maybe his timings just off [Applause] here's what everyone seems to overlook with the whole priest molestation scandal if you think about it with all the horrible horrible [ __ ] that your priest is pumping into your kid's head his thick should be the least of your worries honestly that's just a little bit of mouthwash in a few years of therapy we'll get rid of that that Jesus [ __ ] will torch you for a lifetime we sent our boy to church so he could learn a lifetime of guilt shame self-hatred all the things we enjoy and then the priest flopped out his how-do-you-do right in front of the child was the abuser how come you never told us this was happening to him cuz you're a freak and a prude and you can't anytime that kid came to you with anything of a sexual nature you probably freaked out and cramped up prude it up and sent him to church to deal with it where he got [ __ ] in the face again there's no vicious circle mommy is it normal for an older man to have sex with a young boy my age right nice mouth where do you get these ideas Kevin who's telling you these things it's horrible sex is not like sex is something they well sex is for people that why don't you go talk to father Hanrahan about this right now Oh but mommy I was trying to gain then I have been get-togethers with the Cardinals and the bishops and uh every big Halloween hat gets together in one high-ceilinged venue to discuss how to punish the offending priests what do we do to punish him their mouth [ __ ] all the kids what do we do I'll tell you what you do you go you want to know how to punish him you go back to the Bible hypocrite it's in Leviticus it's that same passage they used to justify the death penalty what does it say I for an eye exactly if it works for the death penalty then it should work just fine for your priest molestation issue a priest [ __ ] your kid in the face you tell ability you marching your ass back over to that church right now you [ __ ] that priest in his mouth see how he likes to go off even to him good get you good I ain't raising no sissies now the church is all upset about the gay marriage why it's one of those trick arguments everyone's it's a big issue that doesn't really [ __ ] matter but at the same time the arguments don't matter oh the gays should dog in mérida it's gonna ruin families and will we have every right marriage should not be a legal institution that's the argument you should be having that no one will the government should have no place in your love life that should not if you want to get married it should be like joining a fraternity where you feel you want to get married you go to your church or your chuck-e-cheese and they do a crazy rain dance around in some incantation and buffoon for you're a married person it doesn't mean anything okay well what about tax breaks in fact if you want tax breaks incorporate right the government should only look at you as an individual no matter what right what if you're [ __ ] idiot and you're ugly it's like the carpool lane you can't find someone to marry it's discrimination not be a legal institution it shouldn't exist if marriage didn't exist would you invent it would you go baby this should we get together it's so good we gonna get the government in on this [ __ ] we can't just share this commitment we'd Stas we need judges and lawyers involved initiative baby it's but someone invented it and now you're gonna do it or you're an [ __ ] right it's like Secretary's day and every day was fine when you shuffled in and office till someone said is Secretary's dead you're now you're a dick if you don't bring your flowers someone invented marriage and now you're a dick if you don't marry her and I'm a dick if I don't show up and it's a boring egomaniacal ritual and no one wants to go - don't ever for a second think that someone wants to be at your wedding it's the most boring horrifying experience it's like watching someone make out on a bus for six hours you're gonna wear your nicest clothes and show up bring presents and tell witty anecdotes and I watch you my friend up there goes you know I'm gonna tell you what love and commitment mean to me is the first time I saw Laura and my heart swelled up blue balloon if I'm gonna be that privy to your most intimate details I'd rather just watch you [ __ ] that's a that's a wedding yeah let's just let me watch your bunk with a miner's cap and get in there and see all the [ __ ] boils and [ __ ] heat bumps and yet gross that's a it's a trick argument there's so many pledge of allegiance is in the Supreme Court that's another trick argument under God should be in the Pledge of Allegiance no it shouldn't oh it would but we don't need a pledge of allegiance say that what why do you need that brainwashing cult [ __ ] if you have a good product kids will figure it out on their own you don't need advertising twelve years of forced advertising right you've done drugs in here by applause right at some point you have a good time [Music] you ever see him advertised Disney - you got a good product people come around you don't need that [ __ ] well you do have to have under God in there cuz the founding fathers based this country on the principles of Christianity you want to worry about the Pledge of Allegiance worry about the under not the under God part worry about the liberty and justice for all talk to him in two years and see see what justice is all about right and liberty Liberty the the meaning of Liberty the dictionary definition Liberty means freedom from government restriction and control not only do we not have Liberty who has less Liberty than the children you may say this that's the irony they get the least Liberty of any way we don't have it they got thick they can't do [ __ ] we have the oldest children in the world in this country we don't let them do [ __ ] forever think you can't do [ __ ] they can't drink they can't smoke they can't drive they can't vote they can't work they can't [ __ ] for God's sakes and you wonder why your teenager is such an [ __ ] you wonder why he's sitting in a Taco Bell parking lot after the Friday night high school football game he's keying cars and he's smearing dog [ __ ] on your door handles for no particular reason it's cuz he's bored out of his did he won't do let him do anything else you watch on the news you see a ten-year-old kid in a third world country he's gonna a k47 and a death stare looking right into the camera that kids not out spray-painting overpasses on Saturday night he's got [ __ ] to do he's gonna hold a gender you learn by [ __ ] up and it takes you until you [ __ ] up a bunch of times to learn there's no magic number you want to fix the Pledge of Allegiance put a disclaimer at the end with liberty and justice for all must be 18 void where prohibited some restrictions may apply not available in all states [Applause] [Music] how do you pledge allegiance to a government how do you do that is that's a dumbest thing it's all America is is a government there's no such thing as we're Americans that's just trivial [ __ ] to get you on the plane rooting for the home team right yo yeah you're not an American you're a guy or chick where your person that's you're an individual that's it what's it until the Mongols come over the hills swinging machetes trying to take our [ __ ] fire hazard underground comedy club away from us yeah then we all buddy up as one but those days are over there's no one trying to take over America we weren't on the verge of speak in Iraqi right but as far as America goes that there's two countries in the world dick and not a dick those are the only two countries the border goes all the way around like that you know you ever go to another country and meet another American when you didn't expect to you're down in Costa Rica in the jungle trying to [ __ ] a monkey so you have a friend a story to tell your buddy and you yeah then you wind up meeting another American and you didn't expect to you always talk to him just on the trivia hey you're from America from America where you're from and it's never more than three sentences before you realize if I was in America I wouldn't talk to this douche bag of my hair was on fire and he held a monopoly on liquid but what does that mean I don't know I'm no more of an American than I am an Aries or an uncle and something you called me and I just was here right I showed up you called me something if you're gonna pledge blind allegiance and call yourself American for a government that [ __ ] you on a regular basis democracy is the worst kind I'm sorry but it is we get to pick our leaders what what if I don't want a leader what does that vote go I do good on my own I don't want to be led that freedom American Idol was a number-one show on television for the last two years those are the people picking your leaders with less insight than they put into WeatherBug and Reuben Stoddard should win an award it's dumb you're gonna what would you call yourself a Christian if they had a new Jesus every four years you want to make a difference in the world here's some things you can do first you work for a major corporation [ __ ] stuff up break stuff it's good for the economy it drives their prices up it makes the small businessman competitive again again I'm bad with math but I think that what will work trade out when you can don't buy things if you don't have to buy things if you can trade out if you're a pool cleaner and you're a carpet layer don't buy each other's products trade out and that's how you [ __ ] the taxman they have so much your money they piss right in your face and they they waste it and they go huh look at how much of your money we're wasted take it you [ __ ] [ __ ] take my piss they spent thirty million dollars advertising the new $20 bill thirty million dollars than to put TV eass this is the new $20 bill who's the competition we need advertising now well we had a spare 30 million cuz we're pissing into space I give you thirty million dollars while [ __ ] it visit your faith what do you think I'm gonna start spending Costa Rican colones if you don't I don't like the new twenty it's a it's more of an autumn color at my spring trade out they piss your money away like a bad MC Hammer behind the music story and if you trade out you can avoid that you get my point here's the most important thing now that the cops out of the room we can talk about this here's the most important I only have four minutes left up here take jury duty this is how you beat him everyone tries to get out of jury duty like it's a big pain in the ass but it's honestly the easiest way you can make a difference as a single human being if you take jury duty and it's any kind of [ __ ] crime any kind of you know drug possession any prostitution any victimless crime anything that's none of your goddamn business you just say not guilty if it's any kind of IRS [ __ ] any point oh nine DUI come on you say not guilty if it's any kind of class action lawsuit with some douchebag her kid died in some weird fashion and she deserves compensation because there was no warning on the box that if her kid swallowed a Lincoln Log sideways that he could have a bad day so she wants eight point five million dollars because nothing spells relief is loss of a loved one like eight point five million dollars it's just the principle of the thing yeah super a buck about my baby's father's making noises not guilty what I'm saying no matter how guilty they obviously are in fact the more guilty they obviously are the funnier it is when you say not guilty a guy can be guilty as [ __ ] and sweating big cheeky crackhead and making up lies yanking rabbits out of his ass for the judge' no your honor huh I was down in Colombia I was in Colombia cuz I had to take a landscaping job for a weekend through a temp agency I was a Cali girl when I'm mowing laws but down in Bogota you're gonna work naked for some reason it's a weird custom that they have but I didn't want to complain I needed the gig bad my rent was due so I was bending over to pull start that lawnmower and all of a sudden a small dart headed frog that's indigenous to the area its sprung out of the shrubbery and it went for food right into my rectum ah and then I went delirious from the toxins in its skin I blacked out and the next thing I know I'm walking through customs with a condom full of coke in my colon and you say same thing happen to me not guilty and then you go do bumps with the god you can make a difference we just have to find the grip you don't live in a free country you get the flag on your shirt there oh it's upside down you're [ __ ] sweet it's not a free country you're born free I mean you're born absolutely free except for laws of nature those if you drink you get drunk that's a law if you if you get old you die that's a law too if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass these are the only laws that you're born with in any government just [ __ ] you out of that type of freedom if you if you really think you're free tonight you hero officer bomb you are a free man you live in a free country but your did you go upstairs you take your own beer you risked your life for you sit on the hood of your monster truck in the parking lot drink your beer and see how long it is before actual veteran cops come by and pound on you with Trojans on the kidneys to ship Wow why can't I do it I'm just having a beer whoa Joe I don't know let's Delano you don't [ __ ] around you can't drive down the street without a seat belt on why not oh you're gonna put on a helmet you can't sit in your own back yard naked your own filthy dirty flesh that you're born with you know that body you carry around filthy you can't sit up why not I don't know that's just the way it is mother got free you're not free in the lease you need a diploma in this country to cut hair free you need to keep your train upright and locked position during takeoff it's not just a hack premise it's a [ __ ] felony and hunting a hero sky [ __ ] I could throw you off the plane as a terrorist we're going why do I have to have this this doesn't make sense they say if you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but if you teach a man to fish then he's got to get a fishing license but he doesn't have any money so he's going to get a job and he has to get into the Social Security system and pay taxes and now you're gonna audit the poor [ __ ] cuz he's not really good with math you pull the IRS man up to your house he'll take all your [ __ ] he'll take your black velvet Elvis and your Batman toothbrush and your penis pump and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you cuz you forgot to carry the one cuz you were just worried about eating a [ __ ] fish and you couldn't even cook the fish cuz you needed a permit for an open flame and then that Health Department is gonna start asking you a lot of questions about where are you gonna dump the scales and the guts this is not a sanitary environment ladies and gentlemen if you get it you get sick of it all at the end of the day not even legal to kill yourself in this country thanks again John Ashcroft you weird Bible addict can't even handle his own drug you will born free you got [ __ ] out of half of it you wave a flag celebrating hey don't hold back you got an argument the only true freedom that you find is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically [ __ ] and then you are free to float around the system thank you guys very much for coming out tonight [Applause]

Channel: iCheetah

Views: 1,002,449

Rating: 4.8080463 out of 5

Keywords: stand up, comedy, jokes, Humor, entertainment, funny, sarcasm, Doug Stanhope, Deadbeat Hero, 2004, laugh, irony, Best comedian, Totally brutal, Funniest human on the planet, Real deal, GOD OF STAND UP, comedic Gold, boldest comedian, The funniest man on the planet, doug stanhope stand up full show, doug stanhope stand up, doug stanhope stand up shows, doug stanhope stand up specials, Doug Stanhope Deadbeat Hero, stand up comedian

Id: 46hP3222TDA

Length: 69min 43sec (4183 seconds)

Published: Tue May 30 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/Gerald_Hennesy]

I think he's really peaking here.