Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 5 of 5: 2003-15

our next guest is a very funny man starring in his own television program entitled a minute with Stan Hooper ladies and gentlemen silat and Norm Macdonald area [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] well it is exciting you you you know the feeling you have a son I have a son he's older he's got to be at least eight when he's first born you know it's the most you know this the most exciting thing that that's ever happened that's right yes and I'll never forget it and then six months later I went hang gliding way more exciting Wow all right well I'll give that a try hang gliding you see yeah all right now what's new in your life tell us about things that have been going on for you what do you been up to I'm not sure been it's a madhouse back there man with the animals and standards back there a way to stand cancer he's there with an animal what's new in your life how are things going with you going good going good I I'm worried about my health you know I went to go in and out of the Mayo Clinic familiar that yeah up in Rochester and I was know a regular doctor for a while but these guys suck they always want to make you feel better you know no matter what you know I'm saying go take your blood pressure and then they go whatever I got there they go 180 over nine you go what's that mean they hit your knee with a hammer yeah yeah like from the cartoons in it and so that may hit your knee your knee goes Avenue excellent exactly how your knee should respond when struck by a hammer so you're saying you didn't feel like you're getting a thorough examination I don't know and I want a thorough so I thought I'd go to the Mayo Clinic and I'll get examined by everybody you know everybody everybody so I go there and I go to all the doctors you know I go to the throat - right dr. I go to the nose doctor I go to the stomach doctor I go to the ass doctor you know the ass doctor the ass doctor yeah I'll tell you something man that's the most important doctor I first that was a little suspicious because I know that in medical school there comes a time when you have to pick your specialty all right stop it stop it is is very important quite seriously because a lot of and you know you're very nervous about that examination no because you know you don't want it to be painful and you know a lot to be enjoyable but anyway so I went to every guy you know on every doctor and I do a thing I have a little trick with the doctors I tell them symptoms I don't have so I get a thorough examination tray go to the throat diner go my throat hurts all the time a constant pain in my throat the guy's like good lord so it gives me a real thorough and then the stomach doctor a real thorough you know I don't want to talk about the ass doctor but I go through all the doctors you know and I like wheezing and coughing and and so then I get the thorough examination and how did how did it learn out clean bill of health congratulations absolutely must be a huge piece of mind for it yeah yeah it gives you peace of mind you know for a while because doctors really you know they can't that's all they can do is give you not bad news you know they can only tell you you have nothing they can't they never give you good you never liked the doctor I'll come out and go good news is the blood test came back you're immortal yeah that's not gonna happen they just tell you got nothing yet keep coming back and I'll give you some piece of news it'll shatter your life but so anyways about six months later I said I'll get me some life insurance because I have my kid that's he's got to be at least six I'll get some life insurance because this is irresponsible of me not to have life insurance so I apply for life insurance every life insurance company turns me down why and then I go holy Lord something's wrong with ya because maybe Mayo Clinic like lost a file or switch the records which the records often happens no I don't know the Mayo Clinic that often happens no no no but at the lesser lesser clinics so so anyways I find out that the insurance company is privy to all the doctor's notes and everything Oh to the day they had me like with severe abdominal pain rectal bleeding ensure you with your little scheme backfired I don't like a million dollars in currency you end up in half a million what have you been doing Stephanie oh you're probably really busy with the show but you ever get to go out and do yeah I've been I've been show business for a while and I do the smoky nightclubs you know and recently a place at a dude I say hey would you mind going to this hospital you know to to entertain you know the orderlies and the people in the hospital I thought that'd be a nice thing because I don't do a great deal nice things so I'm sorry wait a minute you say you don't know how to draw I don't know yet but I will I'll learn as my child approaches this 13th perfect yeah so I go to the I go the last one the guy Sid youngers that books this gig he tells me you know you know you just talk to you know you entertained for the orderlies and the staff and the patients you know and I I get there so drive me there and looking for the hospital and everything and we're getting close to the hospital and all of a sudden I see you'd like some barbed wire all right and there's guards and everything there's a big giant sign it says State Hospital for the criminally insane so now I'm in frist an idea everything and I get in and now I'm going I don't even know if these people deserve a show well if you can brighten anyone's day I think brighten the day as somebody just slaughtered their family so I get in there you know and I'm like alright well I guess I'll do it I'm committed to do it I go where do I perform like a cafeteria or something guys like no we got a theater theater in the State Hospital for the criminally [Laughter] people and there's like 40 criminally insane guys and and he has the head like an old by 11 ears on my neck and but it was ridiculous introducing me to these guys right it was like ladies and gentlemen you know I'm from evening at the improv and George slobbers comedy club Sean McDonald you know there's nothing there all muttering criminally insane things [Applause] walk I've never had this I'm walking towards the mic and I start getting heckled like here nice shoes [ __ ] that's not good so I go up and there's all kinds of same things one guy goes where's the Statler Brothers to the mic yet so I get there and then I started talking I asked her with my answering machine bit you know I just have a nice ed said to them I said well that's the beauty of it I can [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] our next guest is a very funny man who is a brand-new comedy album right here entitled ridiculous it's in stores now here's the always entertaining Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] you look great I do yeah I mean we're - well thank you very much we haven't seen you in a while and you look like you're really in shape you taking care of yourself you're working out what's going on here yeah I'm all right I I am my cholesterol was I had problems with my cholesterol so I went to my doctor last year and I got my cholesterol check right and then I came back again this year and he's like how you doing that cholesterol and I go I'm not doing it and he goes he goes well I'm looking at your file here and last year it showed that your cholesterol is alarmingly high oh so I go well you didn't tell me that and he said you know I told you that and I go no I would remember that phrase alarmingly high you know so he says well let's do it again you know and I go well I like the new in his eating cake and you know swallowing it chugging half and half so I go I know that the trash chugging - I know the test will come back and it will be whatever the word is that's worse than alarmingly high you know so I was so scared you know so it comes back and it's really off the charts you know and I'm like God geez man are you gonna have to do a Letterman on me there you know because I don't I don't like that stuff and he goes he goes no we haven't reached that level yet you know your cholesterol was high you can lower it but he goes I have to warn you you have to lower it or we're gonna have to do a Letterman on you so I said okay you know and I went on this incredible like I did it myself I just checked the www computer and I found out all the things and in ten weeks I had my cardiologist was like stunned she's worked in the field for 26 years I've never seen it but anyways from 296 to 120 whoa but the only bad thing is they have bad cholesterol good cholesterol mmm I got a good one of the cholesterol didn't change and my cardiologist explained to me that that classic will only be changed by exercise sounds like I you know so because I'm really good at not doing things like not eating stuff but I'm bad at going out and doing stuff and I saw when I got a trainer and it was all not good Chuck yeah man alive holy crow yeah well it looks like it's paid off it does yeah what kind of stuff was a trainer doing with it he was a these guys are like superhuman they look like - rip rock you know from earlier you know they're like super human beings you know so they think you can do what they can do you know and then I've told the guy 50 bucks an hour I said look don't try to earn your money or anything like that you know all I want to do is get my cholesterol down I don't care to have a vein in my arm no use for abs I just want to not die so but he's like he's like I know what you can take I know what you can handle you know and I'm like you know so he's got me doing them bench presses and then he do this trick like you go okay we're gonna fifteen you know five more three or four more three more two one one I'm ten more and I go what what do you say 25 in the first place you know so anyways I'm in the gym now and we're doing the things and over in the corner a fracas happens a little thing I wear and turned out guy had a heart attack and they took him away I'm like what that huh he's like yeah man I hope they drive to do a Letterman on that guy [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] now you you did some traveling I guess some food left so you were indeed I did I never been overseas and I went to Amsterdam my dad was in World War 2 he's a lot older than I obviously was older than I was he had me when he was an older felon he he served in World War two and he liberated Holland you know from the icy grip of that dork Hitler you know so and you know with Hitler the more I learned about that guy tomorrow I don't care for him [Laughter] and nothing there's nothing redeeming about the guy I told you guys they go how on earth could these Germans like follow this lunatic you know and they're like oh he was a incredible public speaker you know he could oh he could hypnotize you with this public speaking and then I see him he's like it's not my idea of a silver-tongued devil yeah not the point the point is my dad went over and he liberated on I'll tell you something about the Dutch they don't forget you know my dad a dirt poor farmer you know couldn't be poor went over to Holland liberated the country and and they've never forgot every five years he would go and they would throw pedals you know and and it was fantastic so grateful the Dutch what the Canadians had done no I I went over in the Canadian Army right yeah well there was my dad but ya know I I use my dad as a surrogate for the entire Canadian up but so I went over because my dad's dead and so I said I'd be great to see you know and so I went to a hog went to Amsterdam and oh my lord at first you know it's a picturesque place people are driving around their bicycles over cobblestone streets with canals as we do to pull windmills and it looks but then the whole country's got a hell in a handbag you would not believe this they got you can do drugs legally really legally they have place called coffeeshops right so I went into one I said a man like a copy but can I have a copy they're like we don't have coffee copies out yeah we got drugs I don't want drugs that's wrong how are you talking about you know and then prostitutes have prostitutes in the window you walk along in this process in the window that you can go and have a legal set it's legal there and it's all ass over teakettle wrong you know you know crazy people just not right so a guy's one night I was going back to my hotel and I'm going back to my hotel and I can't find my hotel because everything's in you know they're all foreigners so it's all different language hard to find streets and stuff so I was walking out forever finally I see my hotel you know and I get there and there's but there's a red light you know and have you ever been in those places were not a red light like a red-light district a Travis stop light was red and you know when the red never changes every bit of an experience so that I'm standing there in the red a minute goes by two minutes go by three minutes go by whatever every minutes go by and and it never changes and there's no traffic at all so if I go I'll just walk across the red light right put hard for me down walk cross red light immediately a police officer comes riding a bicycle so then this guy you know he's like it's gross you know talking with this for another thing and so he writes me a ticket you know I go are you kidding me your country's a bunch of drug smoke and prostitute and also if it wasn't for my dad then that guy wouldn't let get to death the freedom to drive his fruity bicycle anyway you know yeah he'd be living in a country where a guy was going the new CD ridiculous in stores now norm always a pleasure oh it's great [Applause] you our next guest here guy he comes out and he's just funny that's all this guy love this I mean I mean charming sure personable sure his hygiene maybe but moreover all he really is is funny he will be performing tomorrow and through this weekend at Caroline's which is right across the street on Broadway here's the always entertaining Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I'm so glad you're back norm we haven't seen you in quite a while I'm glad to see you how have you been and what do you been doing oh man nothing compared to you congratulations on young Harry oh thank you very much yeah it's good boy yeah yes son oh I have a son yeah a little older he's uh I want to say he's 10 or 15 the point is this you I want to give you a little advice first of all they get less cute oh yeah and you got it when they're young you got to do certain things for instance with what because you love your child more than anything obviously and when I was young and I had my little boy Dagwood mm-hmm Faymann name is Dagwood I named him after the literary figure Dagwood Bumstead his name is Dylan Dylan named after Dylan Thomas Thomas because my father read me a child's Christmas in Wales every Christmas so when you're when the kids young as Dylan was I used to play basketball with ranked and I would always let him win because I figured that was the thing to do as a father now he's 16 years old and he can beat me easily oh now he thinks that he's always been able to beat me I told him I said no no I used to let you win he's like now hmm so my advice is beat the hell out of Harry while I can well you can not sure that I can't even now you you think about the future and taking care of him in the future you know because yes you got to keep your affairs in order just in case anything happens you know you got to have a will and now you got to have the living living will in case you get incapacitated in life you have to say what your wishes are you know and I made out a living will and I said whatever you do don't pull that damn plug because really yeah yeah because I tell you what happens as soon as you get there you're incapacitated they get your relatives and your friends around they go hey norms incapacitated any of you guys know and they're like oh yeah I remember norms and we wanted he wanted to get killed and then we don't have to visit him no more yeah so so I I have I and I also don't have a plug I have a series of plugs I don't want one plug right when I'm janitors come with the wide broom not got my plug you know my other suspenders exact I'm um said hey you don't want to be a burden I'm like good lord I hope I you know don't want to be a burden I'm lying there incapacitated you know you can't take ten minutes out of your bridge game to come touch my hand [Laughter] I agree I agree with you norm yeah some people then they're living real they go no I'd much rather not lie in this comfortable bed please bury me in the earth two points of view on that norm I remember years ago you told me that you were there for the birth of your son and I always remembered and you said that was the most exciting thing you would ever participated in you remember that yes yes and then and then what happened I took crystal meth oh no you did no and then you said a couple of weeks later you went skydiving oh is that yeah that was her hang gliding yeah and how was that compared to the birth I have to do your act for you now is that what it's come to and you said that was much more exciting than the birth that's above us all right I tell you what we'll be right back here with Norm Macdonald [Music] [Applause] [Music] boy oh boy norm about [Music] [Applause] how about Leonard Nimoy oh yeah yeah it was great it's thrilling we got like that I met in the airport I met Matlock Matlock is Andy Griffith yeah and he used to call himself Andy Griffith now he goes by Ben Matlock really close himself in Matlock but so yeah I went into the airport and he was in there and you know the bookstores they have and so he's in there he's reading a big one in big thick books you know I'm smart yeah so I'm standing over there I'm looking to leafing through a Jughead comic I see him over there I'm gonna sidle up beside old Ben Matlock yeah and I'm gonna grab my big books myself you don't have to know nothing sure pretty soon we get in a conversation we started talking and and I find out how he ever solved that case we're glad Claude Akins killed do you remember anyways whatever I wanted to talk right so take ten minutes I'm talking to him I'm talking to he's very friendly very outgoing and everything like that and it was really nice then all of a sudden I realized it wasn't Ben Matlock at all really it's not Andy Griffith yeah just some old man and morale you know a responsibility to tell people instantly that never thought of it and you're sure it wasn't him oh yeah because he just kept yapping and yapping and now congratulations you've given up smoking I did I quit smoke it's great news room were you up lifelong smoker yeah yeah I smell lifelong smoker your life long all your life oh of course not all my life I mean you start early yeah well one I smoked for a long time and I smoked as much as you could people to ask me how many packs a day I smoked from when I woke up to when I went to sleep so you could not smoke more than I did but I quit I tried different things but I quit I finally quit through sheer tyranny of will oh really yeah one guy one guy wanted me to try hypnosis I've heard about that yeah and you know who worked for him and everything like that but I didn't want to do that on account I'd rather smoke to tell you the truth because I don't want to think of myself as that susceptible to you know what I mean but you're kind of soft in the year yeah like I don't want to go hey good news I quit smoking bad news I no longer have free will yeah I can see that's a real dilemma absolutely go ahead did you did you ever work with a hypnotist written I think no but I saw a hypnotist when I when I was a boy when I was a teenager he Ravine the impossible the impossible ISM and you saw him in a theater that's in a big theater and I don't have you ever seen these shows they bring up guys from the audience and they tired for them and then one guy can speak Martian and then he touched the other guy who he can do something else he's a and then a quarterback and then another guy's a chicken anyways they go go and everybody runs around so anyways I'll never forget it sitting there on the island my brother and the guy who thought he was a chicken came running by me pecking at things and you know what what the [ __ ] can I live so it was banking you know growing species and all sorts of things so we exits anyways and then after the show I'm quite astonished by the whole thing because I'm only a young lad and I go out into the parking lot I see the guy there's the guy that was the chicken so I walk up to the guy and I go man how'd that feel it must've been amazing you feel like a chicken right how did that feel and he goes oh it was cool really something I don't know you know because imagine if for 15 minutes you thought you were a chicken right then afterwards you'd be like and there I go hi say happy feel act like a chicken here uh you know he'd have to spend the rest of his life trying to get back on track because his mind had been shattered shattered by the experience of being a chicken of course well I guess not norm we're running out of time but I would be remiss here if I didn't bring up something people have been bothering me about this for months and months people go on their show view and they say when the next time you see Nora McDonald he's got some tremendous stories about the great Bob Uecker now do you have a story you can tell us about Bob Uecker voice of the Milwaukee Brewers well Bob Uecker is the is one of my best friend's is a great man I know I already told a story how many was there and bob was not too thrilled with that but startling hurt I already like yeah but bob is a very very funny man and and I I go off and going to booth with him you know sure so one time we were there and John Fogerty was in the audience you know fortunate son you know so John Fogerty was there so Bob Uecker is a very interesting guy he thinks of everybody is the same he doesn't think of people as stars right now that he's a very down-to-earth guy so he was talking to me he says hey man you know that guy I go yeah goes that said John Fogerty rock and roll singer yeah man he goes but I played in a golf tournament with him he goes you probably think of him as some that likes to bite the heads off of chickens but this guy can [Applause] that's exactly how I think of it this guy can get it out of the sand trap like nobody's got a hell of a set of pipes on it goes come to seventh-inning stretch I'll have them up here I'll sing for you no no don't do that I don't have them come up and be for me please you know because what's matter man don't even know who he is you know yes Bob I know who he is it did Creedence Clearwater Revival yeah yeah [Laughter] [Applause] like good now listen right across the street on Broadway there - Caroline Saab in the show love to get Bob on the show he'll be there tomorrow through May 10th oh that's a nice long run for you there across the street - I like a lady way to sell tickets norm and he'll be at the helium Club June 18th through the 20th and Philadelphia gosh I hope we see a sooner than however long it's been always a pleasure it's Norma Donald lady Dylan [Applause] [Music] [Applause] our first guest is a very funny man and the star of a very funny brand-new television program entitled Sport show with Norm Macdonald and you can see at the April 12th on Comedy Central here is the always entertaining Norm Macdonald lady [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I saw that show today Norma very funny what show the TV show yeah your TV show congratulations and by the way you look very youthful and how come we haven't seen you in two years oh how come I haven't been here in two years yeah man I've been dizzy I got a kid you know I know you got a kid yeah I do how old's Harry he's seven yeah Danny they grow up so slow no don't it's barely discernible he's 18 they get far less cute yeah what is cute when they're on the lawn punching you in the chest yeah anyway it's good to have you here it's good in addition to the new show the Norma McDonald Sport show you have you have like your was it your first stand-up special yes I did a Comedy Central special rate one of 40 they did this year on Comedy Central but it was fun but I got a weird time they showed it at at 11:30 and on Saturday and it turned out that that was during this thing called Earth Hour I think some people know what it is on earth hour you have to turn off your electricity Wow and as you know as I know and as they apparently know TVs are powered by electricity so and furthermore my key demographic is damn dirty hippies yeah oh man you know took one on the chin there yeah now listen I'm very surprised and impressed about this that you you you've built kind of like a Twitter following yes I'm an internet sensation whoa I didn't take you for a guy that would know about that kind of I know all about that stuff really when did you start Twitter that's your weeks ago really but this is what I did it for the Oscars the guy told me how to do it I was watching the Oscars and you know how horrible those were and it was pretty easy to do just jokes instantly on how horrible everyone and and you know and some of the things were nice like it was nice to see Kirk Douglas of course you know and he had that terrible stroke which didn't affect his comic timing at all and but so I twittered and I ended up twittering a hundred and ninety tweets oh and which was it turns out sway too much really so people started telling me to stop anyways get this just earlier this having rate before we came on the show I walked out here I've been some kind of Twitter feud with Steve Martin I know that I know that speed also actively Twitter's yeah yeah so this is what happened dig this you know how to tweet no you don't had a tweet know where you've been so so so I he writes a tweet I misunderstand it I reply everybody says what he said okay well this is what he said I'm not really that great at it but he said he said has anybody seen my hat now I've looked every four for it I can't find my hat right so I say was it a brown fedora with a red hat man but what I didn't know is he sent a Twitpic stop right there let me just say if this is an example of Twitter communication it's invaluable what do you think I should answer and this is the last thing you said to me he goes this just came in nine seconds ago he goes still mulling over this tweet from norm to me it's so enigmatic is it a put-down I I don't honestly I I mean he lost a hat right yeah and then you responded is it with a red hat man yeah I don't none of this makes any sense it's a generational thing [Music] what is it I will tell you what's cool about the internet and main internet sensation stuff on YouTube now everybody you know I don't know if you remember about but there's Fame and you get really Andy Williams quote in the future everybody it'll be famous for 25 minutes yes I think of Andy Warhol Andy Williams was Moon River and he wrote in generational yeah okay but here's the thing like for instance have you ever heard of Harrison Schmitt no okay he walked on the moon I didn't know that right an astronaut a guy who walked on the moon there's very few people that have been in a position to go hey where's the moon there it is right well you're right that's a good point now so 12 people have landed on the moon Neil Armstrong Buzz Aldrin who else right so this Harrison Schmitt fella must be going what the hell do I have to do to get famous yeah meanwhile the Kardashians we know Khloe we know it's awful yeah Louis Louis Kardashian Oh we'll be right back with the Norfolk Donald's everybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] no you can tweet tweet a Steve Martin can you tweet him right now I can tweet it all right just tell him that I said hi okay yeah and then you're on the show and okay I said I said awesome and oh and this I'm sorry about the Hat you know that's great also while I do this I tell you this the great thing about the blogosphere now the great thing is this that that you you have friends you see what I mean yeah now on the computer I have about a hundred sixty thousand friends Oh in real life I have to but I actually like my I like my friends on the blogosphere here because this is the thing like they're they can go like like in real life right your friend will go hey my grandmother died this morning and then you go oh good do you want to come over to my house and talk about it for four hours and then on this thing the your friend can go hey my grandmother died today and then you go unfollow normal you know I do I remember that you were attacking a Steve Martin okay I mean if you just get that over to him by Labor Day that'd be you still gamble at the if somebody told me that you did you or did we know yeah it's a gamble I don't gamble anymore anymore was it a problem yeah I got to be a problem man and then I tried to do it smart every time I try to do it smart a bad thing would happen no what do you mean well one time I was trying to a handicapped baseball you know which you can actually beat baseball with your handicapper properly so I was trying to handicap and I figured it out for like three hours and I went down a book and Miraj a sports book went up to the feller you know and there was a guy beside me a big fat guy you know with like over the N and he's dressed like real rich you know he opened a big I - shake he's filled with $10,000 chips pulls out like 750 thousand and he's gonna bet on this boxer boxer you know a fighter you know yeah and it was a four to one underdog so I said I'm not gonna bet my baseball bet I'll just bet on this four to one underdog you know yeah cuz this guy must know some he's probably in the Mafia so so I go and watch i watch this boxing match dude and the guy my guy that I bid on gets knocked out in 25 seconds whoa so I go back to the book I go what that guy from the math you with it because that guy's not for the math you goes that's all long shot Louie he's a rich guy loves long shot just there's just no winning is there there's no winning nobody ever now this sports show with Norm Macdonald premieres you know it's my birthday April 12th I saw it this afternoon very funny show and and I think it's gonna be a huge hit for higher sports joke yeah oh you're like racing cars right how about that Daytona 500 how about that kid that one right how old was he like him 20 yeah yeah you've raced all around you know where he went so fast apparently he was texting the whole time it's generational the show premieres April 12 on Comedy Central sports show with Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] our first guest is one of the this guy is actually funny there's no two ways about it anyway you look at it up-down left-right he's funny wake him up in the middle of the night he's funny drive cross-country with him he's funny fight him sparring session he's funny have him come visit you in the hospital he's nothing but funny he'll be at Greenwood Village Colorado on April 24th and 25th ladies and gentlemen is Norm Macdonald come on [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] how're you doing buddy I'm doing well sir goes crazy oh okay I've I've been funny so horrific you can work more than funny my friend boom some sort of practical joke at this point I haven't seen it with a wild I saw you on the Saturday Night Live of a 40th anniversary show oh yeah you were great on that and what's been going on bring us up to date what's been on your mind I had a big pork chop for dinner and I live in the momma but my belly too big for the anyway two things struck me while I was eating dinner day one you eat dinner at a restaurant different then you eat dinner at your home like your home you would never say man I made myself a pork chop cook it up til it's hot on one side then turn it over on the other side cooked it and then cut into a little bit I was going the middle but while I'm waiting for my pork chop to get nice and hot and delicious so I can eat it first I'll need a big loaf of bread so that's at home get 20 or 30 pats of butter the other thing I noticed is dessert now in the old days dessert the waiter would come to your table go what you want for dessert a apple pie or a cherry pie you go I'll have a cherry pie or apple pie don't no reason to divide the audiences early you don't want to do that no but you would order your pie you did and everything would be fine on earth yeah nowadays it's all different guy comes he's got a big tray he had a canted angle every confection known to man suddenly his tone changes it's not like the pork chop anymore some kind of sexual undertones going on it's like you like decadent things you like not that much oh yeah once in a while I guess may I tempt you please no I'm a fella you're a fella it's embarrassing a little bit now Norma know your age none of my business but let me just ask you this are you at that age when you start to notice your age is bringing different things to the party oh yeah I don't remember nothing no more I used to remember everything man remember all the presidents having trouble with the model the Prime Minister's from Sir John a McDonald right up through Stephen Harper Canadian Prime Minister but now I can't remain you know as a actor it's hard I've heard but I had a TV show once norm I played Nora that was the one time I was not funny that was a fine show but we had a great actor on it and he was his name was Jack warden you remember Jack warden worse I remember Jeff great actor I think they have a picture of Jack you have a picture Jack there yes you guys remember jail likeable by Broadway star - he was he was on Broadway he told me as in the man in the glass booth where he had to go an hour and a half one single monologue now I have a mime on my show the norm show I played norm and his memories got and he didn't like it you know and it frustrated them and I remember the and I had to I was in the scene with him so I had to remember all my lines just in case he got his rice so it was really hard on me as Mohammed toll on you yeah so I remember the first line he had were watching a hockey game he's a tough old guy playing a tough old guy and he was like his line was supposed to be I tell you ignore me ha he's no good anymore not since they not since they put in the helmets that was a line right so he looks over at me and just blank eyes so I know her you don't got nothing but he's trying to use his acting skills you know so he looks at me us no I mean I mean on me and you could see what he remembered through his what he said like cuz he said it at this exact moment he'd go like no I mean I mean uh hockey Namie [Laughter] hockey Nami and we're in the set is a rink oh yeah hockey Nami I'll tell you about a cue know me I'll tell you it's no good anymore no I mean you know why it's no good anymore no I mean I'll tell you right now no I mean I mean that was I really I really appreciate you coming on here tonight I don't know if you've heard but we're not gonna be I'm not gonna be around much longer yes I understand there's only 12 shows left and this may be my last appearance well I hope not but so as for us I was gonna ask for a souvenir you know you're the first person to bring this up and I'm touched and I want to say to you norm as a friend and as somebody I have admired your entire career whatever you want is yours except Todd you're not giving up the sweatshirt all right look anyone okay excellent well maybe oh I know what no wait a minute that's norm those are expensive that's yeah be careful oh my god mom look out that's fine it's still under warranty okay we'll be right back with Norm Macdonald [Music] have you uh I know as a as a comedian what at one of the places everybody wants to work because it's all right there oh my god I'm winded from that job that yeah that's the very well in all sincerity I know you don't like to hear these things emotions you're like mixing it like Nixon but I will say your hero was Johnny curse yeah well you are my Johnny cur oh stop it [Applause] but what complicates things what complicates things a little Dave is Johnny Carson was also my Johnny Carson good so I have to Johnny Carson let me just say something about you one of the many things that I love about you has your love of George Miller who was a great friend of oh my god I love George Yeller yeah can I do it George Miller joke yeah do it George another joke as a George Miller joke he goes that I was watching Wild Kingdom with my mother yeah it said at the end directed by Wolfgang Bauer produced by Wolfgang Bauer my mother said do you suppose that's the same well my favorite joke and it'll take a little explaining I've pulled it over and over again it was told by his girlfriend at his memorial after he had passed away he and his girlfriend not getting along very well and and George apparently one night had come into her apartment while she was gone and done some mischief and so she called the police and she sent them to George's house and the cops are saying you know anything about this and he said well no what happened he said well among other things somebody wrote an obscenity on her bedside picture of Jesus Christ and George said oh I thought that was Dan Fogelberg [Applause] [Laughter] there's a passing resemblance yeah so anyway when you're in Las Vegas Las Vegas the artists slogan I've ever heard what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas they say of course it's not true you can't kill a person leave they'll follow you across state lines are you back you don't face a jury your peers so I said what does that mean what does it mean like what are they getting at you know I started ruminating about it I quit old I started whittling oh you Whittle yeah when I ruminate I ritalin ruminate yeah what handed in and I said what does that actually mean what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas that came to me in a sudden what it means is you can have sex with a prostitute in Las Vegas and she will not tell your wife there they're very discreet huh in Vegas they're not ladies gossipy small-town [ __ ] you know these blabbermouth the beauty part your Hank Johnson husband God I had sex in exchange for cash last night world yeah now nor is baseball beginning and Bob Uecker the great Bob you great catcher a radio announcer now forever for the Milwaukee Brewers funniest man there were a very very funny guy and it is a dirty any dirty very talked dirty is that a fact swears all the time but you guys are pals I love it I love it what do you first met him at at Arizona at a spring training game and I had just gotten a show the norm show I played norm everyone's talking about it so so Bob Uecker said hey man what are you doing now so I go oh I got a show in last and he Bob Uecker had already was a success was on a successful stand-up show called mr. Belvedere which starred Christopher Hewett who studied at the Oxford Academy as mr. Velvet Belvedere the the butler to to Bob Uecker character so I said I'm doing a show the norm show I play norm and he said to me he goes hey man you know Belvedere [Music] no I don't I don't know Belvedere and he goes on man great guy yeah big fat guy but still nice and he goes I'll tell you something about Belvedere you might not know I go what's that he goes he loves fried mozzarella I go how do you know that he goes well in the back of these TV shows they have little things where you can get food that a little stove you know with a skillet and man I put mozzarella yeah and I'd feed it to him and then one time I got called into a big meeting and all these muckety-mucks were were sitting around they said you got to stop feeding Belvedere I said man he likes it now what is the heat but I will tell you he's I'm at one time I was with him he did not swear hmm the only time that he did not you know compulsively swear and it was we were playing golf at Troon in Arizona and we you got was kind of a wistful moment we got to the the ninth hole and he looked out and there were about six but four guys and two women they were they were like like real estate people you know and he looked out in here as oh man he goes the desert is one of the most beautiful places in the world nor man you you know you look out there at night and it's just so kaleidoscopic man you can't help but believe in God you know it breaks my heart when I see these these people putting up condos and and you know just condo after condo over over the most beautiful thing in nature and then he looked at me and he realized I think that he hadn't said something dirty in a while so he said or maybe it's a yeah that's right that's what I was thinking middle ground no we're just gonna it's either zero or a hundred miles an hour norm god bless your baby yeah we're gonna see you we're gonna see you whatever you're up to ladies gentlemen could be the funniest man in the world we got her paperwork on that he'll be performing at Comedy Works the Greenwood Plaza Village a in Colorado April 24th 25th god bless you [Applause] [Music] you [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen this is something exciting our next guest made his stand-up debut I did not remember that this man began his television stand-up debut with us 25 years ago that I didn't know that very talented actor nobody funnier ladies and gentlemen Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thanks guys listen I don't wanna brag ring but me and Oprah are making the same money tonight the show is loosened up considerably I noticed watching Oprah and Dave time a weed and booze I don't do either those the hardest read I ever did LSD and I remember as a kid I was like 16 I remember they took warned me I said hey you gotta be careful with that LSD on account of you can get a flashback ten years and go by twenty years thirty years and a flashback will happen so I thought hey that seems like a good deal you tell me I'd buy a drug for five dollars I eat us I get high and then 20 years later I got high again [Applause] that's not the point I like to stretch my drug dollar the point is this ten years have passed 20 years have passed 30 years have passed and no flashbacks what a [ __ ] that turned out to be just more horse by the big ass in companies that's all it is but I can't believe it's been a quarter century since I made my television debut as a different bag man you know there's back then I remember if you wanted to take a picture you would use a camera not a telephone as a matter of fact if you use the telephone people would look at you odd you stay there longer what about in the old days when they took pictures of you way way back you know where they pulled that thing and exploded and separately I got picture my great-grandfather thing took six hours take your picture and is the picture of my great-grandfather one they had every guy had one picture back then as is him like [Applause] I gotta get back feed them hogs who's gonna feed the Hogs soon we gotta feed them high now in the future of course will be different fifty years from now people will be going like hey you want to see a hundred thousand pictures of my great-grandfather [Applause] I got him right here plus everything he did every day of his life hey this occurred to me today ID ID which I had to show to you this is a strange abbreviation when you think about it I is short for I and then D is short for densification [Applause] there goes flip that one know better you know that watch the TV I watch the news make you afraid the news you know put all these stories on Iraq Iran North Korea you know try to scare you you know but does it ever really scare you like you ever wake up in the middle of night North Korea that little tiny country across the ocean I wonder if this'll get me plus didn't mash settled at late 20 years ago one day afterwards that stupid show there is one country that worries me though not Iraq not Iran not North Korea the only country that really worries me is the country of Germany I don't know if you guys are history buffs or not that's out in the early part of the previous century Germany decided to go to war and who did they go to war with the world had never been tried before and so you figure that would take about five seconds for the world to win but there's actually close then about then of a 30 years pass and Germany decides again to go to Oran again it chooses as its enemy the world and this time they have that guy strike at it clinically that guy I'm not even gonna dignify him by saying his name but I think you know I've done but you think at that point the world will go listen Germany here's the deal you know you be a country no more on account of you keep attacking the world but in your Mars or something anyways lesson folks this will be my last time on the David Letterman Show I understand and you know you know you guys we all know that David Letterman was the greatest talk show whoo host who ever lived but I I remember Dave differently because the first time I saw him I was 13 years old I was living and I was living in Toronto Canada and I went to a talk show they had there and David Letterman was the stand-up comedian on the show and I loved stand-up and David Letterman did this joke that I told everybody this joke I love this joke it still stays with me it was my favorite stand-up joke ever so I'd like to do it for if you'd like to hear because III was on the street the other day and I saw a garbage truck and on the back of the garbage truck there was a small sign that said please do not follow too closely another life simple pleasures ruined by a middling bureaucracy ladies and gentlemen remember the old days when when Dad and pile the kids in the station wagon we'd all go out and follow a garbage truck so anyways I just like to say I know that mr. Letterman is not for the mawkish and he has he has no truck for the sentimental but if something is true it is not sentimental and I say unsure I love you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] very funny dawn and thank you thank you for everything we do Norma Donald ladies and gentlemen that was very sweet good night everybody now stay tuned for James Corden Belva speaking give out everybody the pants people

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 3,516,688

Keywords: Norm Macdonald

Id: aFq7LGZlVsc

Length: 69min 16sec (4156 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 25 2019