Donald's Sad New Nickname, Former Inmates Prepare Trump for Prison & Guillermo Marries Charlize

[Applause] for coming thanks to our we are um please I appreciate that it's um Welcome to Hollywood where things are already getting back to abnormal after Oscar Sunday uh you know the Doby theater is where the Oscars are held is right across the street from us this why they keep asking me to host the show they don't have to pay for a car to bring me over there I just walk but there's a big billboard on the corner you've probably seen this driving in right of me it must be 80 ft tall and I will say these guys wasted no time swapping that out yesterday morning I was already taken down and replaced by Dune 2 they didn't even offer me the billboard you know they're made out of like some kind of P you know great that would have looked completely covering Matt Damon's house but I guess the message is it's over it's fun while it lasted I guess not for you though it's not the Oscar magic continues for yo did you see what Charlie Starin posted on Instagram today me yes uh Charlie Starin posted somebody wrote Breaking GMO and Charlie th are not just dating but married Charlie wrote oh and I got married love you honey I am GMO guo till death do us part I love her she's nice I don't think even death would be able to pry you off of Charlie saren is your actual wife aware of any of this yes she knows Jimmy and she's okay with it she's okay with that no yeah no problem at all good all right great we had fun of the Oscar I also on a personal note I want to thank everyone who reached out to me with kind words about the show I got a lot of very nice posts and emails and texts and more importantly I want to let those of you who did not reach out to know it's too late so stop it's the poster posters down and it's done and as the award season comes to a close spring break begins this is funny you know our friends at Fox are always out scouring the country for things to be disgusted by they particularly love like a story where an attractive teacher starts an only fans they'll show the sexy photos and then pretend to be disgusted by them well they get off my lawn patrol is out in New Orleans for spring break this week where correspondent Lawrence Jones got quite a scoop I had the opportunity to talk to one lady yesterday she says she applies her bronzer and then she does cocaine so tell me how do y'all start y''s day war we're seeing two things we can't put out two things out bronzer and cocaine wake up put on bronzer cocaine we're good for the day bronzer D cocaine and now I'm a senior in college and here I am yeah my two goto bronzer and cocaine that's some story she applies the bronzer before she does the line of coke she she wants to look good before she gets never heard it before no I mean it makes sense how hard would it be to apply bronzer when you're all CED up you wind up looking like like Donald Trump is what you wind up looking like but Joe Biden's America guys nothing but bronzer and cocaine humans aren't the only ones doing drugs in New Orleans a pack of rats somehow made their way into the evidence room at the New Orleans Police Department major rodents uh on the floor the Cockroaches the rats eating our marijuana they're all high how can you tell which that the rats are High I mean are those the ones playing Xbox how do you know which anyway those rats sound cool as hell to me but uh it was presidential primary day in Georgia today Biden and Trump both traveled to Georgia this weekend asking for votes of course the last time Trump asked for votes in Georgia he was indicted for it turns out you have to do it before the election but Trump and Biden hosed competing rallies over the weekend though it's not really accurate to call them rallies Biden was more of a medium octane Bingo night trumps was like a my mom's a stripper episode of Jerry Springer it usually when two elderly men travel to Georgia together it's to play Augusta National and maybe see the bench from Forest Gump but this trip was all business after the trip though Trump took a a break during a vigorous round of golf to take in a brief performance from a very talented young lady his power over us grow stronger yet and to turn from you they GL behind the United [Applause] States oh it's so beautiful you know Melania used to sing to him like that not anymore everything about him is weird you know we talk a lot a lot about how mean and like dishonest and dump Trump trump is but we sometimes forget about the weird Factor while he was um singing his own Praises in Georgia this weekend for some reason he decided it would be a good idea to say this in February alone nearly 1 million jobs held by native born Americans disappeared by one think of that you lost a million jobs black people it's like he's on a game show by himself he's the host and the contestant on the show you lost a million jobs black people right this is good at 1:30 at 1:30 a.m. East Coast time Trump posted we must immediately have a full-scale debate between crooked Joe and honest Dawn I'm ready to go anytime he's giving himself nicknames now there anything sadder than giving yourself a nickname at 1:30 a.m. on the toilet going honest Don that's going to be and honest is Abe Lincoln's nickname it's not you're even his is even the nickname honest is stolen there are so many nicknames that would be better than honest Don like gas don don the con uh Donnie dups Donnie a West Donald Duck the draff Tim dong and man bu musolini any of those would be better than Hest Don but Hest Don has a little bit of a a housekeeping situation right now one of his employees a long employee uh Maraga a guy worked for him for 20 years has been cooperating with the special counsel in the classified documents case for months this man has been known as Trump employee number five now we know his name it's Brian Butler he's the one who had to move the documents when the FBI was looking for them to Trump's plane Butler sat down for an interview with CNN he had a lot to share about how sloppy Trump was about keeping the documents locked up the lake room which is pretty much above close to almost above Pine Hall I mean anybody could just go around a spiral staircase turn left and there it is anybody could access that room well I'm sure you needed a key but yeah I mean there were multiple ways to get to the lake room how many people had a key with you had to guess I'm assuming they didn't change if they had the same lock oh my gosh they're probably over 10 Keys 20 keys I don't I mean all the managers had master keys but they were all attached to a big wooden spoon so they were safe it's why did every every guy who's been with Trump for years looks like the doorman of the strip club right unfortunately the judge hearing this documents case alien Cannon is moving along slower than Joe Biden on Rollerblades which means we might not um get to see it before the election but there are 91 felony charges against Trump and the other night at the Oscars I I asked Trump why he was still up he said Isn't it past your jail time and while it was a joke it made me wonder if justice prevails and Trump does go to prison what will his life be like so I met with a group of non-violent former inmates these are guys who've done real time to ask what can our former president expect Behind Bars and what can he do to prepare himself for prison hi my name is Roby I served 12 years in California State Prison I'm Justin paperie I served 18 months at TA federal prison camp my name is Carlos cantes I served uh almost 11 years in the California State Prison System I'm Dante West I served 3 years months at lanon Correctional Facility I was exonerated in 2021 Roby Justin Carlos Dante thank you for being here you know Donald Trump is facing a lot of a lot of different charges if you could describe what his prison experience might be like God forbid he goes in I think he'll fit right in you do yeah because you know he's dealing with politics with the democ Democratic party and the Republican party but and there is almost the same but now you're dealing with Mexicans blacks whites and Asians now you're talking about like this these racial divisions in prison what would Donald Trump what group would he be in is there an orange in the federal system where I serve time there is some race segregation but if a white guy goes to sit with blacks or Asians they're not going to get reprimanded and thrown out but you want to did you learn to whisper the word black [Laughter] in how hard would it be for him to smuggle in like a bucket of KFC how hard would it be for him to make like the 11 herbs and spices in the toilet is that possible you guys do any toilet cooking in prison not not in the toilet the closest he would get to KFC you you can cook some incredible some of the best meals I ever had were in prison some of the best meals you've ever had were in prison yeah you for sure really phen phenomenal meals you say no though you haven't had anything good to eat I mean some of the food is good but you think about all the good food out here I mean well now everything is soy based too so it sucks oh he's probably never had soy in his whole life so this is not going to be a great experience for him but it's manageable that well he's going to have to pay his taxes I don't know how he's going to do with you say taxes you don't mean pay cuz we know he doesn't pay his taxes now it's m on the outside now you have to pay taxes what do you mean when you say taxes you pay someone a book of stamps mackerel or tuna which is the currency in prison there's no money a book of stamps mackerel Mauna or tuna what about cigarettes what happened to cigarettes cigarettes are banned now we're healthier now including in the prisons Jimmy let's get with it in my day everybody now they're smoking mackerel what about like tweeting and stuff like that would he be able to do that post on his social media platforms if he sneaks in a cell phone yeah if he gets a phone in there you think Milani will bring stuff into the prison for him I think he'll go to visitation and be like hey you need to go ahead and bring back that phone and there's only one place to put it up right the phone yeah yeah sure yeah I mean yeah I think so so that's how phones get in yeah or uh well you got to get the charger in too so on the charger also would you recommend that Trump get some tattoos before definitely he should definitely what tattoos should he get the white the portrait of himself what about one of those little teardrops under his side doesn't that mean you have to do real you have to put in real work yeah that's I don't he he hasn't earned the teardrop oh you have to earn the tear drop you earned that well he said he did go kill AMA been line yeah no that was Obama but he probably did say that yeah oh he killed Ro versus Wade right so I guess he right there's one time I was in prison right walking in the cafeteria and they had a sheet over at a table and it was on a date and so it was romantic yeah some people are serving life they get toorn to come in with the modified titties and as kind of like built like Donald right and lights cut off they come cuddle cuddle is a code I never used that I I that's a code I never used you never got a chance to cuddle I didn't cuddle no there was no Cuddl guys come on he never got the cuddle let's give him a little cud what does cuddle mean I mean honestly like what are we talking about cudle wise well I was in there with like a bunch of lifers right out there in Kansas so you'll see like people be up and wandering around and then you're able to get out of your cell at night in a federal PR sense is less than 10 years he'd go to one of these what people call Country Club or Club feds is it similar to Mara Lago I don't know what's going to go happen but you know somebody's going to claim him do you think he will find love in prison I think a big black man will go ahead and take him under his wing nice so you're saying that races can get along in certain situations be they sexual I think if there's any opportunity it's for orange guy like Donnie for sure that's nice maybe we could do a little bit of role playing would you guys mind um we do some like reenactments sure okay so now let's pretend this is his first day of prison okay and you guys can come in the area hey everybody it's me Donald Trump you're going to roll with me I got the knife don't talk to the police okay I can't talk to you anymore give me a kiss no get away grab my pepper spray we go pull up on this guy I love your flesh colored underwear that would not be the right thing to say to someone and what are you doing over here kicking your ass I told you I would protect him hey what's going on over here hey get down everyone get down get down on the floor inmate yeah but I can't get back up Don all right well what did we learn here you got to find someone to protect you right I was going to say we wasted a lot of money on action figures go we aim to educate

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,549,033

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Oscars Billboard, Charlize Theron, Instagram, Spring Break, New Orleans, Georgia Primary, Joe Biden, Donald Trump, 2024 election, Trump, Mar A Lago, Honest Don, CNN, Ex-Cons, Prison, Jail, Debate, Classified Documents, Inmates

Id: k3ljHhR8XPA

Length: 14min 24sec (864 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 13 2024