Trump Complains About His Chubby Photos, Putin Trolls Tucker Carlson & Did You Do IT Last Night?

previously on Jimmy Kimmel [Music] Live From Hollywood it's Jimmy kimela tonight V Richie Sandra hula and music from Shane with cleto and the cleto and now Jimmy [Applause] Kimel very nice thank you for watching thank you for joining us on the the aftermath of Valentine's on another um another day of bigly courtroom drama for our former president the orange one this uh morning Don Trump was back in the warm embrace of the American Judicial System the only place that truly loves and appreciates him he had cases going in both New York and Georgia today simultaneously this is his version of uniting the country criminal trials in the North and the South but Trump unsuccessfully tried to get his trial in New York dismissed today while he's also trying to get the prosecutor in Georgia dismissed it's a real dismiss America Pageant that he's running didn't work out in New York the judge set a date and it's really finally happening an actual criminal trial against Donald Trump will begin on March 25th this one is this one for the least serious of his many indictments he's accused of violating campaign Finance laws by using funds that were donated to make hush money payments to women who said they had sex with them he's too cheap to pay the hush money himself he's so dumb between the $130,000 to stormmy Daniels and 150,000 to Karen McDougall no one in history has ever paid this much for 35 combined seconds of sex but he's presenting um got an interesting defense on this one he's claiming that paying women to be quiet is not a crime he CLA it's basically a a porking ticket it's not a crime we're here for something that is not a crime literally legal experts legal Scholars said they don't understand it there's no crime and there was no crime here at all virtually every legal scholar says they don't understand it there's no crime even if he was guilty of something there's no crime even if he was guilty of a crime for instance there's no crime your honor if there's anything I'm guilty of it's loving too much and then tomorrow in New York the judge is expected to rule in the $370 million civil fraud case against Trump let me tell you something if he has to pay $370 million we're about to see an explosion unlike any we've ever witnessed before I would love to be a a fly dodging ketchup bottles on the wall for that moment I really would I cannot if this trial has taught if it's taught us anything it's that Donald Trump definitely doesn't have $370 million it might be time to fire up a new round of digital trading cards because Trump's lawyers keep arguing in multiple courtrooms are arguing their client can't possibly be tried for these crimes because he's too busy running for president to be on trial which is quite a defense you know anyone can run for president all you have to be is born here and over 35 years old like if Harvey Weinstein decided to run for president you think he could say sorry I'm just too busy for the trials I got to put I'm putting signs on lawns okay Pony soprano was in Charleston South Carolina last night where um he took some time to boast about his golf game and complain about chubby photos did you see the picture of me the horrible picture with the stomach out to here that was so what I do is I'm putting up today a picture of me actually what I actually look like hitting a ball smashing the freaking ball and you'll see quite I wouldn't say slim I wouldn't say slim but not bad but the ball does go far I would say it goes about nine times further than Biden can hit it nine right well you know what in that case you got my vote if you can hit a ball nine times further and what picture is he even talking about this is one of those things where he's pissed off about something nobody else even knows about so then we look it up and we know about but I still don't know which picture it is I mean is it this picture of him is it is it this one is is it this one I don't there are so many I don't know which fatty Shack I'm not supposed to look at and by the way that not bad picture of him smashing a ball he said he was going to post he never posted somehow he wasn't able to locate that one trunk he's digging deep this time he's trying to work all the angles he loves pushing the Joe Biden is too old to be president narrative but it blows up in his face because he has a lot of senior moments himself he thought Obama was still president the other day he confused Nikki Haley with Nancy Pelosi which is embarrassing so now what his claim is that he does that on purpose when I say that Obama is the president of our country blah blah blah they go he doesn't know that's Biden he doesn't know so it's very hard to be sarcastic when I interpose because I'm not a Nikki fan and I'm not a Pelosi fan and when I purposely interposed names they said he didn't know Pelosi from Nikki from tricky Nicki tricky Nikki he didn't know I interpose and they make a big deal out of it I said no no I think they both stink they have something in common they both stink oh I see you you interposing you were being sarcastic now how do you explain the fact that you don't know the definition of the word interpose because you don't I love when he learns a new word and then uses it over I was interpos I interposed meanwhile over at the white house uh President Biden you know they interpose that he isn't too sharp but he is crushing it with the Granddad jokes right now what are you giving up for Lent good hey you know what you ask for malarkey you get Malarkey now let the man enjoy his Mall walk in peace will you one thing Americans do do not appear to be giving up for Lent is this idea that Taylor Swift is part of a very complicated conspiracy to reelect Joe Biden according to a new poll from Mammoth University almost one in five Americans believe that Taylor Swift was created to be some kind of government scop to sway the outcome of this election which let me tell you something Taylor Swift is some kind of puppet in a scop operation someone at the CIA is one hell of a songwriter but one in five Americans according to this poll at least I feel like one in five Americans believe pretty much everything one in five Americans believed there were microchips in vaccines one in five Americans believed qanon one in five Americans believed Obama wasn't born here four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum for the patients who chew gum and you know what that means one out of five dentists don't but there are crazy people out there spreading this stuff to other crazy people one of them is a woman named an vandersteel she's one of these right-wing podcasting bats who coincidentally looks like if you left Taylor Swift in a hot car all weekend with the windows up but anyway she's convinced that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are agents of fizer who do the Deep States bidding and I guess play football and make music on the side I don't know but and tweeted right after the Super Bowl that uh the score of the game is proof she wrote score last night 2522 equals 47 that is the fu to all of us Swifty and her beard are fisers batches and will be deployed to get Biden reelected or whomever the cabal decides needs to be the next meat puppet if you now if you don't speak qanon uh they're obsessed with the number 47 because that's what number the next president will be except that Joe Biden is the 46th president and if Travis and Taylor successfully use their magic vaccination powers to get him reelected he won't be the 47 president he will still be the 46th president that's how it works that's why there have been 56 El 59 elections but only 46 presidents which what she should be focused on is 59us 46 equal 13 what's Taylor Swift's favorite number 13 she was born on the 13th she turned 13 on Friday the 13th and the 13th letter of the alphabet and is M which is the first letter of the word so um what a stupid time to be alive and nobody's feeling Dumber today than Tucker Carlson Mr Moscow is cheerleading in Russia visiting their supermarkets their Subways he went there last week to interview Vladimir Putin and you know who wasn't impressed by him Vladimir Putin Putin said I was expecting hard questions and he didn't ask me any hard questions I think he was the only one expecting hard questions but basically uh Putin was expecting to eat Tucker for lunch turned out he was more of an or derve an amused douche if you will but it's very funny to me that Vladimir Putin one of the most evil and anti-American people alive finally met tuer Carlson who's been kissing his ass so long they had to have a squeegee on hand to keep it dry and Putin's takeaway was yeah this guy sucks Putin said uh in an interview later in interview he said he hopes Joe Biden beats Donald Trump he said Biden is better for Russia because he's more predictable he also said he would absolutely hate it if we all changed our passwords to password so don't do that we can't trust Russia no matter what Tucker Carlson said according to Republicans on the house intelligence committee Russia wants to put a nuclear weapon in space which I can't believe I'm saying this sounds like a job for the space force you know they say that the nuke would not be uh would not be to use against people but rather to take out the satellites that control our internet and in other words they're going to hit us where it really hurts right in the porn this wouldn't happen under President Trump he'd build a space wall he'd make Jupiter pay for it but do the Russians really need nuclear weapons to disrupt our satellite connector I can't even get ESPN when it rains all right but don't worry Congress is handling it and as you know yesterday was Valentine's Day I got a text from GMA last night at 11:17 he sent me a text that said what GMO done done yes so what does that mean that I made sweet love to my wife you did yeah and I was thinking of you and I'll send you the text yeah at 11:15 he texted I'm going in good for you good for you you J yes yes congratulations you know there's a lot of pressure on Valentine's Day for men and women so um we went down to the farmers market here in La this morning to conduct a poll and here's what we asked what are you guys names I'm Janisha I'm DJ and where you guys from Cleveland Ohio wonderful did you guys do it last night now we have to guess all together do we think uh Janisha and DJ did it last night what do you think yes or no all yeses well let's find out man no no no no we was drunk yeah not quite drunk enough I guess all right all right let's meet another couple hi guys what are your names I'm Wendy I'm Jen and where are you from we are from Malaysia yeah we are from Malaysia let me ask you did you do it last night okay what about this couple from Malaysia did they do it on Val do they even know the term do it in Malaysia I don't know audience you say we are mixed well let's find out uh what do you mean do it last night do it like uh let me show you oh no no we no yeah and a new menu item at Duncan was born who is our next lucky couple hey guys what are your names uh my name is Leno MAA and where you from Connecticut wonderful yeah did you guys do it last night all right did loo and Mida make Valentine's love last night we said survey says yes buddy with a hot Bo like this you got especially so that's yeah I think so I will something for you you guys don't want to have a 30-year-old all right let's shall we do one more okay here we go hi guys what are your names Heather capes Jody capes this your daughter hi I'm Sam capes wonderful let me ask you to did you do it last [Applause] night before we vote let's just take another look at their faces here Mom and there's Dad and and daughter right all right what do you think did they do it last night this is embarrassing well let's find out here we go absolutely not cuz we were sleeping in the same hotel room as our unfortunately not I feel over B uncomfortable well that might be the last family vacation for quite some [Applause] time

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,372,489

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Valentines Day, Donald Trump, Trump, Court Cases, New York, Joe Biden, Golfing, Taylor Swift, Super Bowl, Conspiracy, Ann Vandersteel, Travis Kelce, Tucker Carlson, Vladimir Putin, Poll, Did you do it last Night, Russia

Id: M_9CuCnA8oc

Length: 14min 53sec (893 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 16 2024