Trump Falls Asleep During First Day of Criminal Trial & Delivers Nonsensical Gettysburg Rant

[Applause] on the host of the show thank you for watching thank you for joining us here in sunny Southern California we um all eyes or at least both of my eyes were on Lower Manhattan today where the first criminal trial against Donald Trump is officially underway it's very crazy that on the Monday after OJ dies the Donald Trump trial begins it's almost like that's how it had to be like they couldn't exist simultaneously the trial began at 10:00 a.m. with the court clerk announcing the people of the state of New York versus Donald J Trump followed by 15 minutes of thunderous Applause there is a um you know there's a gag order on Trump he's not allowed to make inflammatory statements about Witnesses families of the Court staff or the case itself so of course on his way into the courtroom this morning felonius monk immediately violated that order this is political persecution this is a persecution like never before nobody's ever seen anything like it and again it's a case that should have never been brought it's an assault on America and that's why I'm very proud to be here this is an assault on our country he's proud to be there for the assault on our country he's proud to be at his trial for paying off a porn star who wouldn't be proud of that I gosh I only wish his parents were alive to see it God Rest their souls but one thing he is right about is when he says there's never been anything like this because Donald Trump is the first former US president to be tried for paying hush money to an adult film star who said his penus is shaped like a mushroom Lincoln never did that the trial is expected to last 6 weeks or until the court room sketch artist runs out of orange whichever comes first because it's criminal trial Trump's required to be in court every day 4 days a week from 9:30 to 4:30 for 6 weeks he has to sit quietly the whole time that alone is going to drive him insane it's like making an 8-year-old to go to 6 weeks of church so of course he's trying every way he can to get out of it his son Baron is graduating high school on May 17th he asked the judge to excuse him so he can go to that and even though the judge hasn't ruled on it yet Trump is already whining about it as if he did as you know my son is graduated from high school and it looks like the judge will not let me go through the graduation of my son who's worked very very hard and he's a great student and he's very proud of the fact that he did so well and was looking forward for years to have graduation with his mother and father there it looks like the judg isn't going to allow me to escape this scam it's a scam trial yeah it's a criminal trial he doesn't seem to understand this scammer judge won't even let me go to graduation for the son who was four months old when I cheated on his mother with the porn star I'm accused of paying off unfortunately um the trial isn't televised but there are reporters in the courtroom including Maggie Haberman of the New York Times who let us in on this little gem Trump appears to be sleeping his head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack followed by Trump has apparently jolted back awake noticing the notes his lawyer passed him several minutes ago if Biden is Sleepy Joe I guess that makes you dozo the clown huh I mean can you imagine imagine if Joe Biden fell as sleep in the court on the first day of his trial Trump would be calling him comos Joe Fox News would be talking about this until Christmas but not old Donnie napple seed he um multiple multiple reports said Trump's head drooped until his chin hit his chest which I don't maybe he was just following the price of his truth social stock but um either way it's nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump today today was devoted to jury selection they started with the pool of 500 jurors they brought in the first 96 and right off the bat half of them said they couldn't be fair and impartial so they were dismissed and so then they asked those who were left if any of them had read any of Trump's books and none of them had see that's why this needs to be televised so we can see the look on his face when a bunch of people announced they never read any of his books so no jurors were chosen today Trump said he intends to testify in this case which means he will absolutely not testify in this case if convicted he could face four years in prison which is perfect as soon as he gets out he could run again you know we could do this all over Trump was in Schnecksville Pennsylvania on Saturday where he explained to his loyal flock how far this country has fallen in his absence just four years ago was the exact opposite we were the most respected country in the world we were the most respected that we were ever respected out of all the respect that had ever been respected we were the most respected back then and that wasn't even close to the court of the night you have to hand it to this guy on the weekend before his unprecedented criminal trial begins he somehow manages to overshadow it with this broken brained interpretation of what happened at Gettysburg during the Civil War buckle up everybody this is an all-tim Gettysburg what an unbelievable battle that was the Battle of Gettysburg what an unbelievable I mean it was so much and so interesting and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways it it represented such a big portion of the success of this country Gettysburg wow I go to Gettysburg Pennsylvania to look and to watch and uh the statement of Robert E Lee who's no longer in favor did you ever notice that no longer in favor never fight up hill me boys never fight uphill they were fighting uphill he said wow that was a big mistake he lost his great General and uh they were fighting never fight uphill me boys but it was too late well I don't know that that was easily the funniest seizure I've ever seen he always sounds like a kid who forgot he had an oral report due on that day more than 50,000 Americans killed each other over three days at gettyburg so I'm not exactly sure what he meant by beautiful but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and let's go through his actual words GMO bring out the chalkboard if you would now we have a transcript of what our former president said and I'll just go through it thank you guo welcome here we go Gettysburg what an unbelievable battle that was the Battle of Gettysburg what an unbelievable I mean it was so much and so interesting and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways it it represented such a big portion of the success of this country Gettysburg wow I go to Gettysburg Pennsylvania to look and to watch and uh the statement of Robert E Lee who's no longer in favor did you ever noticed that no longer in favor never fight uphill me boys never fight uphill they were fighting uphill he said wow that was a big mistake he lost his great General and uh they were fighting never fight a pill me boys but it was too late when you see it written out it makes a lot more sense I'm just going to give that a grade NF plus right I mean Robert E Lee said never fight uphill me boys was he a leprechaun or something you can have that GE all right never fight up H me boys and do buy me a meat pillow while you're at it that was something special that was like get that man on Drunk History will you and by the way Schnecksville where he speaking is two and a half hours away from Gettysburg he wasn't even at Gettysburg when he's but don't tell shney green he wasn't there he's all over the place 13 minutes after his trial started today he posted not one not two but three separate videos boasting about winning his golf tournament at his country club unhappy Gilmore did not qualify for the Masters this weekend he was cheated out of that too which is a shame because I think he got a shout out from Jim Nance got away with a poor swing there he knows it he also knows there's a ticklish little pitch coming up I'm pretty sure Jim was saying pitch but I don't maybe not I don't know it's the kind of talk that could get me to start watching Golf and and then we have maybe the biggest story of the year so far a bombshell announcement from Gary the golden Bachelor and his bride Teresa and I have had a number of heart-to-heart conversations and we've looked closely at our situation our living situation and so forth and and we've kind of come to the conclusion mutually MH that it's probably time for us to um dissolve our marriage get a divorce yes yes 3 months after getting married yes yes 3 months Gary takes peas longer than that marriage lasting that's three I think there should be a law or at least an FCC rule that says if you get married on TV you have to get divorced on TV too I see your rings um will you have to give your rings back do give the dress back how does that work oh I think that's the rule I think I have to give this ring back sad to say said but you know what we don't have to give back the memories nice spin Gary as H actually I checked with ABC legal and you do have to give the Memories Back the timing is particularly good because this is thank you uh this is from Emmy magazine it's uh this week's issue there's an ad for the show that says it might just make you believe in love again or not I guess so I guess Gary and Teresa won't be filing a joint tax return this year you know today is tax day I hope you're aware of that which is the bad news is taxes are due the good news is starting tomorrow all our accountants finally have time to hang out again which will be fun the deadline toile is at midnight tonight and so we still got around 15 minutes I think to squeeze in a few more writeoffs we have a lot of weird costumes and props that didn't quite make it onto the air this year and with that said it's time for our second annual last minute tax day deduction parade here they come it's the Liberty Bell and a piece of popcorn Elvis in the spaceship hi there we got Humpty Dumpty we got a cookie and [Applause] a somebody's got this keep them coming here we go oh I got a care Bearer with a tooth is that [Music] [Applause] [Music] it and finally a bookworm and a all right there we go thank you guys thank you so [Music] much and spider dog all right hey you know what it's not the Macy's Parade but it's something happy Pride everyone [Applause]

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,597,108

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Manhattan, Donald Trump, Trump Trial, New York, Gag Order, CNN, Baron Trump, Joe Biden, 2024 Election, Truth Social, Jury, Trump Rally, Chalkboard, Gettysburg, Jim Nantz, Golden Bachelor, Tax Day, Taxes, Weird Costumes

Id: kOaRZx-o2fc

Length: 12min 15sec (735 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 16 2024