[ Laughter ] [ Stately music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Good evening. I'm your moderator --
Chris Wallace. [ Cheers and applause ] And I think I'm going to do a
really, really good job tonight. First, I want to lay out
the rules, which both parties
agreed to in advance. Each candidate will have
2 minutes, uninterrupted... -Boring. -But, M-Mr. President, I haven't even introduced
the candidates yet. -Tell that to my Adderall,
Chris. Now, let's get this show
on the road and off the rails. -And you did take the COVID test you promised to take
in advance, correct? -Absolutely, scout's honor. -Well, President Trump has already
introduced himself, so let's now welcome
the Democratic candidate... -Boo. Here comes the booing. -...former vice president
of the United States... -Allegedly.
-...and senator from Delaware... -Not even a real state.
-...Joe Biden. [ Cheers and applause ] Mr. Vice President --
-Just one second, Chris. Okay. -It looks like -- It looks like
you're ready to debate, Joe. -Absolutely not. I've got the beginning
of 46 thoughts. Now, let's do this. I'm holding my bladder.
Let's get at 'er. -Tonight we'll be discussing
six major topics, none of which anyone
will remember by tomorrow. We begin with the Supreme Court. President Trump, 2 minutes.
-I'm gonna do 10. I'd like to begin
with a list of complaints. People are mean to me.
Joe here is very mean. Chris Wallace is mean.
The economy is mean to keep losing jobs,
which is mean to me. The China virus has been
very mean to me by being a hoax. And that statement
will not come back to haunt me later this week. -And -- And what about
the question I asked you about the Supreme Court? -I think
I answered that already. We're very excited
about our nominee -- Amy Cristina Barcelona. And it was so nice, so nice
to welcome her the other day with open arms
and uncovered faces. -Mr. Vice President,
same question. You have 2 minutes. -Thank you, Chris.
Now, look, here's the deal. -No, it's not. -Excuse me, please. -No, whatever
you're gonna say, no. -Mr. President,
please let him speak. -He let you speak.
Now let him speak. -But he's lying. I can't point out
if he says a lie? -I-I said two words,
you son of a -- No, don't do it, Joe. It's exactly what he wants. Don't let your inner
Whitey Bulger come out. Just flash them all that smile they taught you
in anger management. -Now, Mr. Vice President, and only Mr. Vice President,
would you consider adding additional justices
to the Supreme Court? -He won't even answer.
-I just asked the question! -You won't even answer it,
just like he won't answer. What about his son Hunter
and Burisma and the mayor of Moscow? And Obama was spying on me,
and he e-mailed Benghazi. -Mr. -- Mr. President, no one
understands what you're saying. You're just listing terms
you heard on Fox News. And it sounds like you're saying
the names of characters from season four of a show
that no one has watched. -Sheriff of Portland. -Mr. Vice President,
please answer. -Now, look, here's the deal.
-Can I respond to that, Chris? -will you just shut up? Sorry. I'm sorry, I misspoke. What I meant to say was,
I'd appreciate it very much if you could just allow me
to finish my responses, as opposed to sabotaging
every waking moment with the toxic geyser
or verbal diarrhea that you cracked out, turd-hurling sack
of rancid dog snot. Losing control. Back to you, Chris, -You still have 2 minutes, Joe. -Oh, really? Where was I? -You said,
"Look, here's the deal." -Oh, right.
[ Clears throat ] Look, here's the deal. Nope, lost it. Come back to me. -Chris, can I say one thing? Am I allowed to say one thing? -Yes, Mr. President. -What we need in this country
is law and order. When someone breaks the rules, they need to face
the consequences, no exceptions. -Okay, what about your taxes? -There have to be exceptions,
Chris. The terms "law and order,"
they're very vague terms, and rules
are meant to be broken. It's the same with masks. I've got mine
right here in my pocket. Okay? My mask. Alright? It's like a seatbelt, though. You just wear it when you're
backing out of the driveway, then you take it off, okay? But Joe wears
the biggest mask I've ever seen. And he's standing like
200 feet away from everybody. Oh-oh. -Look, man, I'm a nice guy, but if you give me
any more guff tonight, I'll rip your face off
like a mad chimp. I'll knock that thing
off your head and burn it, bury it in the pet cemetery
where it came from. Stop it, Joe! Stop it! God, you can't lose your cool just 'cause this joker's raising
a little monkey dust. The country's counting on ya to just stand here
and look lucid. I know it. I know what'll calm me down. My new Harry Styles
meditation tape. -We dip our toes
in cold, wet sand... -Nice
-...and sit and face the sea. -Cleansing. -We let the waves
wash over us... -Ah.
-...alone, just you and me. -Hey.
-[ Clears throat ] And I better listen to, uh,
my meditation tape, as well. -Ladies and gentlemen! Leaders and voters! For freedom and liberty
and the American team! The best is yet to come! Aaaah! -Alright, can we please
have a civilized dialog? Debates are
a time-honored tradition and the bedrock
of American democracy. -You're gay. -Mr. President, if you keep
interrupting this debate, I'll do absolutely
nothing about it. -Okay, okay, I'll be quiet. -[ Sighs ] I don't want to be dictated to, and I'm not gonna be
distracted anymore by this clown tonight. Okay? But I'm definitely
gonna concentrate. I'm gonna try to keep my cool. What -- What is that?
Where is that coming from? Get down! -Mr. President, please,
stop using a laser pointer. -It's not, it's not. This is a wand
the cures the COVID, okay? -Boys, boys, boys, boys,
boys, boys, boys. [ Scoffs ] The both of you,
this stops right now. Alright?
You look at me, Donald. You do not treat my Joe
like that, alright? He's a nice boy. -Kamala, I got this. -Unh-unh, Joe. Let Mamala go to work. Now, Donald... I want you to apologize to Joe. -He started it.
-Hey! Hey! I don't care who started it.
Alright? I don't even care
who sharted it. Now, you apologize to Joe now. -Sorry.
-I'm sorry, what's that? -I said "sorry."
Okay, are you happy now? -I think if there's one thing
we learned tonight, it's that America needs a WAP --
woman as president. But for now, I'll settle
for HVPIC -- hot vice president in charge. So, why don't the two of you
finish this debate, or whatever the hell this is,
with some dignity. And when you're done,
I've got you boys some PB&J and apple slices
waiting for you backstage. -Yummy! -Thank you, Senator Harris. -Oh, I am not done with you,
Christopher Wallace. You will see me in my office
after the debate. Now, where the hell
is my martini? -Oh, uh... Finally, just to ensure that this is the worst
presidential debate in history, I'd like to close
with white supremacy. -Oh, baby, come to papa. -Mr President,
I'll ask you directly, do you condemn
white supremacists? -Condemn them?
I don't know any. I mean, who
are you even talking about? The Proud Boys, the White Boot,
the Eugenics Eagles? I don't even know
any of these groups. I certainly wouldn't even know
how to signal them if I tried. -America,
are you listening to this. The president
of the United States is literally blowing
a dog whistle. -I don't think
this thing is working. I don't hear anything. -Mr. Vice President,
your closing statement? -[ Sighs ] Well -- -That is so unfair. Why don't I get to make
a closing statement first? After all, I am the pres-- -Sorry, but I think we all needed a break. Isn't that satisfying [Sighs] just not to hear his voice for a single goddamn second? Let's wallow in it. Let's bask in the Trumplessness. Now, Chris, could I speak
directly to the American people? -Is it gonna be weird?
-Totally. Totally weird. America...
[ Soft music plays ] ...look at me. Look directly into my eyeballs. You can trust me because I believe in science and karma. Now, just imagine if science and karma
could somehow team up... ...to send us all a message about how dangerous
this virus can be. I'm not saying
I want it to happen. But just imagine if it did. Mmm. Mmm. Hmm. So, this November,
please get on the Biden train, which is literally
a commuter train to Delaware, and we can all make America
not actively on fire again. Okay... now I'll unpause him. -...antifa.
-Nope, can't do it. Gonna leave him on pause. Oh, and one more thing. -Live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!
I don't know if satire is relevant anymore.
I feel like we've reached a point where it's just hard for SNL to parody this stuff. You can't make it any funnier than the actual reality. The funniest lines in this sketch were me were the things the candidates actually said IRL.
Canada Mirror
Not available in Canada? Rude.
Meh.
Am I the only one that hates the jokes they write for Maya rudolph?
There was great moments as always.
I cringed when they did the name change and mentioned Osama Bin Ladin because of Pete, then thought about it and realized he’s probably the one that wrote the joke. That is what makes the show great, the underlying comedy. Colin Jost killed it on Weekend Update, and I like how Leslie Jones made an appearance as Chris Rock ;)
Not american here. Is this roughly what actually happened? Because it's hilarious in a sad way.
I love SNL videos are all blocked in Canada... Ridiculous.