[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ PHONE DIALING ] [ RINGING ]
>> YELLO. IT'S DONALD TRUMP.
WHO THIS? >> IT'S MICHAEL COHEN.
GOD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH. >> OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP, AMIGO.
HOW YOU HOLDING UP IN PRISON? >> I'M NOT IN PRISON.
>> OH, WELL, GIVE IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
>> MR. TRUMP, WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
I THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT OUR ALLUSION-CAY AND OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE-JAY. >> SORRY, I DON'T WANT SPEAK
SPANISH. WAIT, ARE YOU ON A SECURE LINE?
>> ABSOLUTELY. I DIALED STAR-86 BEFORE THE
NUMBER, SO IT'S COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE.
MR. TRUMP, I DON'T WANT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STORY ON THE STORMY DANIELS PAYMENT.
>> LOOK, LET'S GET RUDY GIULIANI ON THE PHONE.
HE'LL FIX THIS. HE'S GOT THE SHARPEST LEGAL MIND
SINCE "MY COUSIN VINNIE." >> OKAY, BUT JUST TO BE SAFE,
LET ME CALL YOU BACK ON ONE OF MY BURNER PHONES.
>> WAIT, YOU KEPT THE BURNER PHONES?
THAT'S NOT GOOD. [ DIALING ]
[ RINGING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YES, HELLO, THIS IS DR. HAROLD BORNSTEIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW ANY OF MY PATIENTS' MEDICAL HISTORY?
>> HEY, MAN, I'M SORRY. I TRIED TO DIAL TRUMP, DONALD,
BUT I DIALED TRUMP DOCTOR. >> IS THIS YOU, MICHAEL COHEN?
MICHAEL, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED. SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY OFFICE AND
STOLE MY FILES. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS
RAPED! >> I DON'T THINK YOU CAN SAY
THAT. >> WELL, I ALREADY DID.
RAPED! >> ALL RIGHT.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER? >> NO.
I'M -- I'M BUSY LATER. I'M KIDDING.
I HAVE ZERO COMMITMENTS PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY.
BUT IF YOU EVER WANT TO DO DRUGS, I CAN GET YOU ALL THE
DRUGS. >> ALL RIGHT.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK, HAROLD. GOOD-BYE.
>> ALL RIGHT. OKAY, I'LL JUST BE SITTING HERE
IN MY OFFICE, WHERE I LIVE. BYE!
[ DIALING ] >> HELLO?
>> HEY -- RUDY? IS THAT YOU?
>> YES. THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> RUDY. RUDY GIULIANI, TRUMP'S LAWYER
AND HIS WORST NIGHTMARE. >> LOOK, RUDY, CAN WE SPEAK
FREELY? ARE YOU ALONE?
>> YEAH, YEAH, I'M PRETTY MUCH ALONE.
THIS IS A COMMERCIAL BREAK, RIGHT, TOOTS.
>> NO. >> OKAY, YEAH, WE'RE GOOD TO
TALK. WE'RE GOOD TO TALK.
>> ALL RIGHT. LET ME LOOP IN MR. TRUMP.
ALL RIGHT. IS EVERYONE ON?
>> YES. >> ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, CAN WE PLEASE JUST DECIDE ON ONE LIE AND STICK TO IT?
BECAUSE OUR STORIES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
>> GUYS, HOLD THAT THOUGHT. I'M GETTING A CALL FROM WORK.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE LOST ALL CREDIBILITY.
DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THE STORMY DANIELS AFFAIR?
>> YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DO.
>> OKAY, GOOD! JUST AS LONG AS WE'RE ON THE
SAME PAGE. I'M GOOD TO GO.
SEE YOU MONDAY. >> OKAY, I'M BACK.
>> HEY, GUYS, GUYS, CAN WE HURRY THIS UP.
I'M SUPPOSED TO DO 25 MORE TALK SHOW APPEARANCES TODAY AND I'M
TRYING TO MAKE IT LIKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR, YOU KNOW, WHERE I
REVEAL ONE NEW CRIME ON EACH SHOW, SO.
>> HEY, I'M GETTING ANOTHER CALL.
HANG ON. >> HELLO, MICHAEL?
IT'S MELANIA. >> OH, HEY, MELANIA!
I WAS JUST TALKING TO DONALD ABOUT --
>> OH, UH, LISTEN, I HAVE A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION
FOR A FRIEND OF MINE, OKAY? IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ACCUSED OF
CRIME, WOULD SHE HAVE TO TESTIFY AGAINST HIM?
>> NO. >> BUT COULD SHE?
IF SHE WANT TO? >> I GUESS SHE COULD.
>> OH, MY FRIEND WILL BE SO HAPPY.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL. >> OKAY.
WAIT. WHICH PHONE WAS MR. TRUMP ON?
HELLO? >> YEAH, THIS IS OMAROSA AND I'M
STILL PISSED OFF! >> NOPE.
HELLO? >> HI, THERE, STRANGER.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? >> MIKE PENCE?
>> WHO IS THIS? I WAS TOLD THIS WAS A PARTY LINE
WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED. >> I -- I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.
>> UH -- >> HELLO?
>> YES, THIS IS IVANKA AND JARED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI.
HI. HELLO.
>> MICHAEL, DID WE HEAR GIULIANI CALL JARED "DISPOSABLE" ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION? BECAUSE JARED IS FURIOUS.
>> YEAH, MAN, I'M LIKE WHAT THE HELL, I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME. I COULD CUT A BITCH.
DON'T EVEN TRY TO COVER FOR ME, OKAY?
>> YOU KNOW, IVANKA, YOUR DAD WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT
YOU, BUT IF HE NEEDS TO, HE WOULD THROW JARED UNDER THE BUS
IN A HEARTBEAT. >> WHAT'D HE SAY?
>> HE SAID YOU'RE FINE. >> YOU KNOW, I'LL TALK TO YOU
LATER. >> MR. TRUMP?
>> WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, MICHAEL?
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT ON HOLD.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING WITH MY NEW CHIEF STRATEGIST, KANYE
WEST. >> THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO? >> CALL UP STORMY DANIELS AND
FIX THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. MAYBE KEEP ME ON THE PHONE, TOO.
I'LL JUST BE QUIET AND LISTEN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MICHAEL? >> STORMY?
THIS IS MICHAEL COHEN. ARE YOU ALONE?
>> YES. >> AND WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
>> EXCUSE ME? >> OKAY MICHAEL, I CAN TAKE IT
FROM HERE. >> OKAY, BUT AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I
HIGHLY ADVISE AGAINST YOU -- >> SO, WHAT UP, GIRL?
>> HELLO, DONALD. >> COME ON, STORMY, STOP MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S JUST AN ACT.
>> I WORK IN A ADULT FILMS. WE'RE NOT REALLY KNOWN FOR OUR
ACTING. >> JUST TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU
NEED FOR THIS TO ALL GO AWAY? >> A RESIGNATION.
>> YEAH, RIGHT. BEING PRESIDENT IS LIKE DOING
PORN. ONCE YOU DO IT, IT'S HARD TO DO
ANYTHING ELSE. BESIDES, MY POLL NUMBERS ARE
FINALLY UP. AND SPEAKING OF "POLLS" BEING
UP -- OH, COME ON, WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE SHARK WEEK.
I SOLVED NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA. WHY CAN'T I SOLVE US?
>> SORRY, DONALD. IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.
I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT A
A-COMING, BABY. >> I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED AND
SO HORNY AT THE SAME TIME. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
