[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> HI. HELLO.
I'M HARRIS FAULKNER. AND WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE
KAVANAUGH HEARING. IT'S A SPECIAL COVERAGE WE AT
FOX NEWS ARE CALLING WHOAH-OH. JUDGE KAVANAUGH HIMSELF IS ABOUT
TO APPEAR SO LET'S GO LIVE TO THE SENATE HEARING ROOM WHERE
TWO OF THE OLDEST WHITE PEOPLE I'VE EVER SEEN ARE ABOUT TO RUN
A CIRCUS. [ BANGING ]
>> ORDER. ORDER.
WE'RE CALLING THIS HEARING BACK TO ORDER.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE BACK FROM LUNCH.
I HAD SOUP. >> AND I HAD SOUP AS WELL.
IT WAS TOO HOT. NOW WE JUST HEARD SOME VERY
MOVING TESTIMONY FROM DR. FORD. I LISTENED TO HER AND I KEPT A
VERY OPEN MIND AND THAT'S WHY I ALREADY VOTED YES FOR KAVANAUGH
BEFORE SHE EVEN SAID A WORD. NOW WE'VE HEARD FROM THE ALLEGED
VICTIM, BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO HEAR FROM THE HERO, JUDGE
BRETT KAVANAUGH, WHO I'M BEEN TOLD HAS BEEN SHADOW BOXING IN
THE MEN'S ROOM FOR THE LAST 45 MINUTES.
JUDGE KAVANAUGH. [ APPLAUSE ]
JUDGE KAVANAUGH. >> WHAT?
>> ARE YOU READY TO BEGIN? OH, HELL YOU.
LET ME TELL YOU THIS I'M GOING TO START AT AN 11, I'M GOING TO
TAKE IT TO A 15 REAL QUICK. FIRST OF ALL I SHOWED THIS
SPEECH TO ALMOST NO ONE. NOT MY FAMILY, NOT MY FRIENDS,
NOT EVEN P.J. OR TOBIN OR SQUEE. THIS IS MY SPEECH.
THERE ARE OTHERS LIKE IT BUT IT IS MINE.
I WROTE IT MYSELF LAST NIGHT WHILE SCREAMING INTO AN EMPTY
BAG OF DORITOS. I'M HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE OF A
SHAM. POLITICAL CON JOB ORCHESTRATED
BY THE CLINTONS, GEORGE SOROS, CATHY GRIFFON, THE GAY MAFIA AND
MR. RONAN SINATRA. NOW I'M USUALLY AN OPTIMIST, I'M
A KEG IS HALF FULL KIND OF GUY. BUT WHAT I'VE SEEN FROM THE
MONSTERS ON THIS COMMITTEE MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE AND NOT FROM
BEER. DR. FORD HAS NO EVIDENCE, NONE.
MEANWHILE, I'VE GOT THESE. I'VE GOT THESE CALENDARS.
THESE BEAUTIFUL, CREEPY CALENDARS.
ABOUT LIFTING WEIGHTS WITH P.J. AND SQUEE AND DONKEY DONALD
DOUG. WE DON'T CARE ABOUT SQUEE OR
DONKEY DONG DOUG, DO YOU? YOU JUST WANT TO HUMILIATE ME IN
FRONT OF MY WIFE. MY PARENTS, AND ALYSSA FREAKING
MILANO. WELL GUESS WHAT?
I'M NOT BACKING DOWN YOU SONS OF BITCHES.
I DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD STOP.
TO QUOTE MY HERO, CLINT EASTWOODS CHARACTER IN
"GRAND TORINO," GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN.
NOW LET'S DO THIS. >> OKAY.
WELL, I'M HARD AS HELL. SENATOR FEINSTEIN, YOU WANT TO
FIGHT THIS MONKEY FIRST. >> JUDGE KAVANAUGH, ARE SAYING
THAT ALL THE CLAIMS OF DR. FORD, MRS. RAMIREZ AND MRS. SWETNICK
ARE FALSE? >> DOY.
>> THEN IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, WOULD YOU AGREE TO AN
INDEPENDENT FBI INVESTIGATION INTO THE ALLEGATION?
>> ASKED AND ANSWERED. I WANTED A HEARING THE NEXT DAY.
THE NEXT DAY. >> OKAY, THAT IN NO WAY ANSWERS
MY QUESTION. WOULD YOU AGREE TO AN FBI
INVESTIGATION? >> YOU WANT A REAL
INVESTIGATION, THEN JUST LOOK AT MY --
LOOK AT MY CALENDARS. AND YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THAT
EVERY NIGHT I WAS LIFTING WEIGHTS WITH PJ AND SQUEE AND
HANDSY HANK AND GANG BANG GREG. BUT YOU KNOW THE LIBERAL MEDIA
IS GOING TO FIND SOME WAY TO SPIN.
>> OKAY, CAN WE VOTE NOW? >> NO.
NO. SENATOR HATCH.
>> I JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT THAT DEMOCRATS IN THIS COMMITTEE
HAVE ACTED LIKE COWARDS. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'D
LIKE THE HIDE BEHIND THE FEMALE PROSECUTOR WE'VE HIRED TO ACTADS
A HUMAN SHIELD. >> HI.
OKAY. I HAVE GOT ABOUT 4,000 LOOSE
PAPERS ON THIS WEIRD LITTLE BABY DESK THAT THEY SET UP FOR ME.
OKAY, FIRST ALL OF -- HELLO. MY NAME IS RACHEL MITCHELL.
I'M HERE MOSTLY FOR TWITTER AND ALTHOUGH EVERYONE WILL
CONSTANTLY BE REFERRING TO ME AS A FEMALE PROSECUTOR, YOU REALLY
CAN JUST CALL ME A STRAIGHT UP PROSECUTOR.
NOW BEFORE WE BEGIN -- >> YOUR TIME IS UP.
>> OKAY. WELL, I'M ALREADY REGRETTING
THIS, OKAY. >> OKAY.
SENATOR KLOBUCHAR. >> OKAY.
OKAY. HERE WE GO.
NOW, JUDGE KAVANAUGH WOULD YOU SAY THAT IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU WERE
A FREQUENT DRINKER? >> LOOK, I LIKE BEER.
OKAY. I LIKE BEER, I LIKE BEER.
BOYS LIKE BEER, GIRLS LIKE BEER. I LIKE BEER.
I LIKE BEER. SO I ASKED IF YOU DRANK IN HIGH
SCHOOL AND YOU SAID I LIKE BEER 10 TIMES.
THAT LEADS ME TO THE NEXT QUESTION.
DID YOU EVER DRINK TOO MANY BEERS?
>> YOU MEAN WAS I COOL? YEAH.
>> ALL RIGHT THEN. TELL ME THIS, JUDGE, DID YOU
EVER DRINK SO MUCH THAT YOU BLACKED OUT?
>> I DON'T KNOW. DID YOU?
HUH? HUH?
DID YOU EVER BLACK OUT? >> EXCUSE ME?
>> SORRY. SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT. I THINK I JUST BLACKED OUT FOR A
SECOND. >> I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY, JUDGE.
AND CAN I JUST ASK, IS THAT ALYSSA MILANO BEHIND YOU?
SHE IS REALLY GOOD AT FINDING THE LENS.
>> OKAY. ORDER.
ORDER. SENATOR TILLIS.
>> THANK YOU. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO YIELD MY
TIME TO THE FEMALE ASSISTANT -- OH, SORRY WOULD YOU PREFER
STEWARDESS? >> OKAY, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I
FLEW HERE ON SOUTHWEST FOR THIS. OKAY.
NOW JUDGE KAVANAUGH DID YOU HAVE THE DEFINITION OF SEXUAL
BEHAVIOR IN FRONT OF YOU? >> YES.
>> OKAY. COULD YOU PLEASE READ IT TO
YOURSELF AND WHILE YOU DO, COULD YOU LOOK AT THE PIECE OF PAPER
LIKE YOU HATE IT AND COULD YOU ALSO SQUINT AND MAKE YOUR MOUTH
INTO THE TINIEST LITTLE MOUTH WE'VE EVER SEEN.
[ LAUGHTER] >> OKAY.
I READ IT. >> OKAY.
NOW HAVING READ THAT -- >> TIME'S UP.
>> VERY COOL, VERY COOL. >> SENATOR BOOKER, ARE YOU
READY TO SPEAK? >> I WILL NOT DIGNIFY THIS
HEARING WITH WORDS. I WILL JUST SHOW YOU ONE
EXPRESSION I CALL THE BOOKER LOOK.
>> OOKAWHI. THANK YOU, SENATOR BOOKER.
SENATOR KENNEDY FROM LOUISIANA. >> I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR
YOU. I WANT TO LOOK IN FRONTF OGOD
AND ANSWER HONESTLY, THAT BEER YOU LIKE TO DRINK, WE TALKING
FOREIGN OR DOMESTIC? >>
>> I DRINK AMERICAN BEER. >> YOU LIKE DRINKING HEINEKEN ON
US. >> I DRINK AMERICAN BEER.
>> NO FURTHER QUESTIONS! THIS GUY CHECKS OUT.
I GIVE THE REST OF MY HIM TO MISS FRIZZLE.
>> OKAY. WELL, NOW I GOT TO MAKE THIS
QUICK -- >> THAT'S IT.
>> OKAY. DAMN IT.
>> SENATOR WHITEHOUSE. >> YES.
I'D JUST LIKE TO ASK JUDGE KAVANAUGH ABOUT HIS YEAR BOOK.
>> OH, YEAR BOOK? WE GOTTA TALK ABOUT A YEAR BOOK
RIGHT NOW? >> YEAH, JUDGE KAVANAUGH WHAT IS
BOOPING? >> IT'S FLATULENCE, I WAS 16.
>> COULD YOU USE BOOP IN A SENTENCE?
>> YEAH, SURE. I PASSED OUT FROM DRINKING, THEN
I BOOPED SO LOUD I WOKE MYSELF UP.
>> WHAT ABOUT DEVIL'S TRIANGLE? >> IT'S A DRINKING GAME.
>> ESKIMO BROTHERS? >> DRINKING GAME.
>> EIFFEL TOWER WITH DOUGIE ONE NUT?
>> THAT WAS A POSSIBLE TRIP TO FRANCE THAT DID NOT PAN OUT.
>> JUDGE KAVANAUGH, MY STAFF JUST GOOGLED ALL THESE TERMS AND
THEY CLEARLY REFER TO SEX. >> WELL THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE
BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE SEX FOR MANY, MANY, MANY YEARS.
ALL I DID WAS DRINK A LOT AND NOT THINK ABOUT HAVING SEX AT
ALL. I WAS THE PROUDEST, DRUNKEST
VIRGIN YOU'VE EVER SEEN. AND EVERYONE CAN RELATE TO THAT.
>> OKAY. NOW I OBJECT.
>> OKAY, LINDSEY GRAHAM. >> I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
AND SHAKE MY FINGER AND GET RID OF THIS TOMATO FOR 15 MINUTES
AND I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO SHUT UP BECAUSE I'M A SINGLE WHITE
MALE, 5'10" UNCUT. BUT I
WILL NOT SHUT UP BECAUSE THIS IS A BUNCH OF C-R-A-P, CRAP.
THIS AIN'T NO TRIAL. THERE AIN'T NO DUE PROCESS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, JUDGE KAVANAUGH?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? >> IS THIS A REAL QUESTION?
>> THIS IS. HELL.
THAT'S WHAT THAT IS. IT'S HELL.
IS THIS HELL TO YOU, JUDGE KAVANAUGH?
>> IT'S PRETTY BAD. >> IT'S HORRIFIC.
AND FOR WHAT? YOU DON'T JUST BEAT BILL COSBY
AND THEN SUDDENLY YOU'RE NOT ANYMORE.
>> OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO COMPARE ME TO BILL COSBY.
>> NO, YOU ARE HIM. IMAGINE THIS MAN IN HANDCUFFS
LIKE COSBY. >> PLEASE STOP SAYING
BILL COSBY. >> PUT THIS MAN ON THE SUPREME
COURT RIGHT NOW. NO VOTES, NO DISCUSSION.
YOU GIVE HIM A GOD DAMN ROBE AND YOU LET HIM DO WHATEVER THE HELL
HE WANTS. BECAUSE THIS RIGHT NOW, THIS IS
MY AUDITION FOR THE TRUMP CABINET.
ANDALLO -- ALSO A REGIONAL PRODUCTION OF "THE CRUCIBLE"
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I WAS GOOD. >> ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. I THINK WE'VE HEARD MORE THAN
ENOUGH. RANKING MEMBER FEINSTEIN, WOULD
YOU LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING IN CLOSING.
>> I JUST HAVE ONE FINAL QUESTION FOR JUDGE KAVANAUGH.
AFTER ALL OF THIS, DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
DEMEANOR AND TEMPERAMENT TO BE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE?
>> I WENT TO YALE. I WORKED MY BUTT TOUGH TO GET
HERE. I BUSTED MY BUNS.
I LIFTED WEIGHTS. EVERY DAY.
WITH WITH TOBIN, PJ AND SQUEAK AND DONKEY DONG DOUG.
AND YEAH, WE HAD A COUPLE THOUSAND BEERS ALONG THE WAY,
ESPECIALLY MY GOOD FRIEND MARK JUDGE WHO CAN'T REMEMBER HUGE
CHUNKS OF HIS LIFE BUT IS SOMEHOW MY KEY WITNESS.
YOU THINK I'M ANGRY, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM.
BUT YOU THINK I'M ANGRY NOW, YOU JUST WAIT TILL I GET ON THAT
SUPREME COURT BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE ALL GOING TO PAY.
GIVE ME A CAN OF WATER. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S
Holy shit Matt Damon is his spitting image
The best thing about Matt Damon's performance is that it was actually understated compared to the real deal.
I very much appreciated the joke about the "female prosecutor".
I think they fucked up lindsey Graham’s attitude.
The real opener for anyone interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eahnOcp883k
I want to complain: Mark McKinney should have played Kavanaugh.
Hahahaha awesome