Bill Burr - no reason to hit a woman - how women argue (FULL) from You People are all the Same

now we have these huge battles you know what the matter she ever got me was one time she was watching this show was like a poor excuse for the view and they started talking about domestic violence right for the nine millionth time this year they're talking about domestic violence just in case you know you didn't get the memo you know evidently you know just some people didn't get it it's not okay to slam your wife's head into the cupboard drawers because she didn't dry the can opener off properly you know it's gonna [ __ ] rust right how do you not know not to do that [ __ ] do they really have to keep talking about it it's like wife beaters watching fall [ __ ] now I get it up to JC sweetheart here we go there you go all so at the end of the hour they come to the logical conclusion they're like there is no reason to hit a woman there is no reason to hit a woman and I was just like really I could give you like 17 right off the top of my head you could wake me from a drunken stupor I could still give you like 9 do there's plenty of reasons to hit a woman you just don't do it but to sit there and suggest that there's no reason through the level of ego behind that statement what are you levitating above the rest of us you're never annoying women how many times have you thought about slapping your your [ __ ] guy in the head this week there you go every day you didn't do it right who drives me nuts there's no anything there's no reason really no reason how about this you marry a girl you fall in love you buy her house you go to work every day paying off the house you come home one day she's banging the next-door neighbour hand you divorce papers you got to move out sleep on a futon and still pay for that house that she's gonna stay in no reason I'm not saying you should do it but there's plenty of [ __ ] reasons in that arc of a story all right that was a hypothetical you want an actual story I'll get anyone I'll give you one I I [ __ ] up my foot playing drums trying to get my bass drum for this fast as John Bonham's cuz I figure that's a good thing to focus on 43 years of age never married no kids I figure this this is gonna lead me to the light right this this is what I need to do so I don't know what I did I felt like after what I play for like an hour and afterwards I felt like a little II like there was some [ __ ] stabbing me in the bottom my foot right like at lightning coming out of the bottom my foot so I did the typical guy thing like I'm not going to the hospital sleep it off be fine right next morning I wake up my foots even worse I got to walk my crazy dog it sound like I can't - my foots killing me so wake up my girl go sweetheart sweet out can do me a favor can do me a favor can can you walk the dog for me can you uh just take the shift you know I'll do your afternoon shift Keys just do me this solid can do this for me and she's just like oh you know I had a late late night last night I'm tired I have a big day and I just go [ __ ] it she goes what do you mean [ __ ] it's like why can't you just say no why do you it's gonna like waterboard me with like a 20 minute explanation that eventually lines its way around - go [ __ ] yourself just say no I'm just limping out of the room whatever go back to bed you got a big day right smell I'm like limping down the street I got like Tourette's [ __ ] [ __ ] dogs walking next to me I gotta admit I got a little childish I did I got a little childish you know I was just thinking about my relationship and like this this is the relationship I'm in you just gonna do whatever the hell you want to do right and [ __ ] me fine I'm gonna do whatever hell I want to do I feel like listen to my iPod on full blast walking around the house that's what I'm gonna do that's why I did turned it all the way up and I just wipe my whole plan was just a walk buyer like I didn't even know her that was it she came down the hall I just go stood her just walked right past her just trying to piss her off I got to tell you something worked like a charm worked like a charm it hung my coat up turned around by the time I turned around she was already yelling at me but the music was so loud not only could I not hear her it actually looked like she was singing the song that I was listening to oh one of the highlights of the relationship so I knew what she was said it was like whatever I don't want to talk about leave me alone I'm going onto the computer right so I limp over I sit down and I'm but notes to me she's like now we're gonna talk about this right now comes out puh and slaps the headphones off my head I got a big I got big ears it [ __ ] hurt so Mike honey leave me alone I don't want to talk about it put the headphones back on she comes right back up again who slaps him off a little harder this time they spin halfway around my head caveman DNA starts coming up talking through my teeth honey leave me alone don't want to talk about it right put him on third time she comes out who slaps him right across the room and I snap I'm like fine you want to have the fight let's [ __ ] have the fight she's like we will discuss this later when you calm down oh right there I just wanted to roll her up in her yoga man stuff her behind the couch just leave her there till she got thirsty come on let me out of here I have a spin class you've made your point this is this is ridiculous no that's the thing really is that's the thing I hate that saying there's no reason obviously I'm not saying to hit a woman you know but saying there's no reason I think that's crazy when you say there's no reason that kills any sort of examination as to how two people ended up at that bet that place you say there's no reason you cut out the build-up you just left with the act how are you gonna solve it if you don't figure it out look how awkward it is in here right now I said you shouldn't hit a woman I'm just saying how come you can't ask questions you can only ask questions about what the guy did you can never ask about the woman why is that why is that what is that what is what is answer him right me what does that mean are you the idiot who got up halfway through the special during the bit and you're like walking around like I'm not [ __ ] taping a special here what's wrong with you what's wrong with [ __ ] had to ignore all of that and now you're gonna like yell out and not only that yells something that makes no [ __ ] sense whatsoever answer him answer him every [ __ ] special I though there's always one oh it's right down the [ __ ] middle talking about hitting women sweetheart and I think you just added another reason jesus [ __ ] christ love it I'm not even in a relationship with her and she's [ __ ] nagging me [ __ ] believe it look I understand hitting a woman's a bad thing okay well yeah how come you can't [ __ ] ask questions I just don't understand look if I got bit by a rattlesnake wouldn't you guys have some questions all right how did it happen did you not see it where you [ __ ] with it how did this snake get so mad and almost killed you firemen put out a fire they don't just drive away afterwards they sift through the debris how did it start is an oily rag right well I realize I'm coming off pretty ignorant right about now I realize that let me extend an olive branch then okay I realized that there's some animal guys out there okay horrible guys you know have a rough day at the factory come home tuna casserole and just start swinging alright I'm not trying to say that those people don't exist I realize they exist they should be buried underneath the prison okay so if I can admit that ladies can you at least admit that every ass-kicking doesn't just fall out of the [ __ ] sky really even hockey has two minutes for instigating right they understand that some back and forth happened before that [ __ ] you know you know it is is every case is handled like that Rihanna one well they just say the guy's a piece of [ __ ] [ __ ] this guy blah blah blah cinnamon jail then they never ask anything about that you know I'm not saying he should have done it but I'm just saying just say it dude in your heart of hearts what do you think was going down before that happened you think she was just sitting there going oh my god Baskin Robbins you want to get some ice cream hello well then maybe they were having some epic end of the relationship fight and some crazy [ __ ] was being said maybe she was screaming in his ear some crazy female [ __ ] like I'll [ __ ] all your friends I don't give a [ __ ] maybe that's why I sell my albums and you [ __ ] right to be fair she could have just been sitting there going I need a tissue do you keep those in the glove box oh my god now [ __ ] that cuz you know what it is they never address how women argue which i think is a core of a lot of that [ __ ] you know I can tell you something man like I never knew how women argued but after 20 years of losing every significant battle in a relationship I finally figured out how they argued I might tell you something I'm starting to turn this franchise around I have begun a winning tradition this is how they argue as far as I can tell all right if they're right they argue the point and they stay on point and make sure you stay on point until you down on your knees apologizing begging for forgiveness alright no problem with that totally respected but here's the thing if they're wrong they go rogue they go off-road they start thinking of [ __ ] you're sensitive about maybe you don't get along with your dad and in their head they just start concocting this evil statement totally designed this desperate hail-mary attempt to make you so [ __ ] mad you just call him a [ __ ] what it is and [ __ ] trumps all the [ __ ] they did to start the argument now it's not about that boy that's the reason call me a [ __ ] and then that's it you're in this room now right my girl knows my big thing is my big fear in life is to be that dude who grows old you know grows old alone has like that basement apartment just screaming up at the younger couple turn it down that isn't music so I noticed that any time she was losing a fight I don't know what she just feeling well that's why he's just gonna grow old and be alone that I'm alright lose my [ __ ] next day no I'm in the kitchen washing dishes for the ninth [ __ ] time in a row this is what the argument was about I was so right what happened so if you learn anything from my ignorance tonight just know this next time you're in a battle with your beautiful woman your your wife girlfriend whatever and they start out of nowhere okay you're winning and they just start saying that crazy [ __ ] out of nowhere just know in that moment you've won the fight okay all right don't get mad bob and weave slip all of that [ __ ] maybe hey you guys you got a little dick just let that slide stay in the pocket of the argument okay it's over the argument is over you've won just take a knee and run out the clock all right this lien on the ropes let them punch themselves out and then in the end you throw this psychology right back at him well maybe we should discuss it later would you calm down and they won't hook up with you for a couple of days who cares who cares you rub one out rub one out like a man it's the champagne of victory

Channel: mcnyregrus

Views: 17,084,052

Rating: 4.8407264 out of 5

Keywords: bill burr, comedy, stand-up, jim jefferies

Id: rksKvZoUCPQ

Length: 12min 14sec (734 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 29 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/amereinconvenience]

"Look how awkward it is in here right now!"

[u/[deleted]]

Him calling out that dummy in the crowd is classic.

[u/LongtopShortbottom]

WERE TALKIN ABOUT HITTIN WOMEN, SWEETHEART

[u/snobird]

Rub one out like a man... it's the champagne of victory.

[u/johnnybones23]

Its gonna fuckin rust

[u/nomorerope]

Bill is the best. Just saying men in fact do have feelings and don't act like we have some gifted life automatically. it's difficult for everyone.

of course an extremist on any side is going to misinterpret. fuck them.

[u/poopalotta]

never get tired of this bit

​

[u/ShaolinConz]

“Were ya fucking with it?” Gets me every time .

[u/tastar1]

because it's 100% true.