Christmas with the Kranks - JonTron

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] well it's the end of the year again a time of joy of giving and of spending time with friends and family - - at a time such as this one might almost forget that the United States of America is literally on fire right now [Music] Boresha soon God will exact his revenge upon us for our imperfections a present shaaka this is for me stop oh my gosh is that a Tim Allen sweatshirt shocked surely I'm dreaming I will not be an accessory to your crime I'm perfect I'm finally perfect and hey you know what this sweater reminds me of you guessed it the most celebrated Christmas film of all time Christmas with the Kranks starring Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis and listen okay this right here just one all right just just simply one in a long line of prestigious Tim Allen Christmas films we also got Santa Claus one through three look at that feel away - that how many villains in the South of France you think that'll buy him in a jungle 2 jungle might count as well but the science hasn't come back on they're waiting to find out and when you're looking at something like that you just got to stop and ask how ok how did this happen Martin Short may be looking a little Martin short on money now this is a prestigious article I make a pilgrimage to the Santa Claus 3 wiki every year if I can this sections plot summary may be too long or excessively detailed come on guys says Wikipedia come on who bothered to make the plotted section of Santa Claus 3 is detailed shorten it on principle there we go that's more like it anyways ain't no Christmas complete till you sit down and watch a classic Christmas flick so without further ado I present to you the abomination that is Christmas with the Kranks it did didn't it it did it hit sir just straight in the day [Music] we should get moving got a big day Merry Christmas everybody so this film begins with middle-aged couple Luther and Nora taking their daughter to the airport as she's about to leave for Peru that would in turn explain their sadness as this is the first Christmas they'll have to spend without her in a classic syndrome of the empty nest it should be okay to be better than okay please stop worrying about this okay with this again would you please stop let you just go to jungle what's there snakes yellow fever she'll be fine just want to be this thing what would Christmas with a great melancholy the Kranks prepare to spend the holidays all alone joy abounds I need white chocolate and pistachios what you're looking for 10 didn't bring the umbrella didn't bring the umbrella oh I need that stuff from chips still needs his stuff Tim I didn't bring the umbrella didn't didn't bring the umbrella well I still need it Bob you said that already been over this done this okay look you stay in the car because mrs. Craig needs some pistachios Tim's dirty-ass is about to go through the wash and that's basically where we're at with this film hey but at least we get to see Tim Allen do the funny face getting wet is annoying good point Tim chocolate oh my god the flow of this movie is like pulling teeth you didn't get the white chocolate Tim that's all you wouldn't never get how'd you screw that up who would even bother to write this exchange it's so mundane well five minutes in all we've been talking about specials and white chocolate their cadence is so slow and they just keep repeating the same things over and over agnostic Briella did you talk to Rex who's this who's Rex come on tell us the butcher the butcher as odd as it sounds I didn't think of asking the butcher where the chocolate was so basically thus far this is a jaded couple arguing in a low-energy and passive aggressive manner the Christmas film god bless I'll go talk to Rex right now maybe he'll wonder why I'm all wet Tim Frye can't say I'm not upset this easily could have been jungle three jungle had you just gone with your daughter on the airplane huge missed opportunity because Tim's character Luthor is so upset by The Annoying Christmas season he devises a plan to skip it all together to go on a pleasure cruise [Music] [ __ ] Christmas I'd rather trip around urine than celebrate Christmas thanks for coming watches Christmas movies everyone have a grand old time first time in 23 years Blair won't be here a lot of depression at Christmas you know tell me about it I have to eat a whole bottle of Prozac just to get through the second part of the month we just love to forget about it you're looking at why are you like that if you keep doing that I'm gonna have to call the police I think it's a former harassment if Tim Allen looks at you like this I think we're gonna need legislation that's probably gonna fix itself Tim's rape stares apparently worked our usual magic as Jamie Lee Curtis gets all hot and bothered she wants to make Whoopie right there on the table you know the night we literally apparently schedule having violent sex on the dining room table but I did yeah just let it be known that I never asked to see Jamie Lee Curtis that truly sexually aroused by Tim Allen yeah but but I got it anyway hey careful what you wish for as we say keV what's da wish for yeah that you doing snap apparently though Luther didn't add the hanky-panky in mind as he was just excited to reveal his genius scheme to skip out on Christmas and go on the cruise he's so horny at the idea of [ __ ] off he tells her to [ __ ] off it's night but nothing tonight Jesus Christ man let her down easy we spent $6,100 in Christmas lists with precious little shovel Luther explains that the previous year they spent over six thousand dollars on the holiday season he argues that they may as well use the funds this year for a vacation to the Caribbean and skip out on the whole process altogether actually saving money in the process it's like I said first thing about Christmas sit there and do Christmas Wow our boring stinker that is my goddamn eggnog joke's on you stupid bird eggnog is poisonous to birds for various reasons we skip Christmas well we can still give our charitable donations to Children's Hospital and and of course the church now this is where things start to get weird I'm not sure if the writers were just out of touch or trying to get the target demographic of 75 year old couples from the Midwest because just after Nora's sexy episode she starts to make a big stink that she can't go on the cruise unless they make a donation to the church you're gonna let allows you 600 bucks stand between us and a Caribbean cruise no you are all right all right I'll match last year's contribution to the church into the hospital but not a penny more oh thank god the church matching contribution to the church can't live without that glad we resolved that plot point in literally 20 seconds between two scenes I think this movie might just be a web cam live feed of a real couples life then of course like a normal person Tim's character walks around his office handing Flyers to everyone notifying them that he's skipping Christmas because as we know in real life Christmas is mandated by law and anyone who fails to comply is an enemy of the state who would do this why would anyone care no one cares if you leave on Christmas I'm letting you know that I'll be skipping Christmas this year go ahead run but we will find you but yeah that's basically the whole story of this film that everyone surrounding the cranks is so concerned with them skipping out on Christmas they get socially ostracized like they're living in Victorian England or something so what would happen if someone just literally needed to leave town for Christmas this is so out of touch it leaves the realm of plausibility mrs. Krank we've got to talk about your Christmas invitations um no no party this year no party no Christmas Eve party she's not ordering Christmas cards either indeed and a hit a rumor she's having a baby out of wedlock as well then winding out the party anyway because we don't want to marry yeah I think it's about time to move to a new town and change your name so the cranks proceeded to go around town needlessly pissing everyone off who was apparently part of their yearly holiday routine yeah Canadian blue spruce last year oh this one's a real beauty almost ten feet tall this is Frank likes the big ones we're not buying a Christmas tree this year we're making less per tree than last year it's not about the money we're not doing Christmas this year we're gonna go away on a cruise we don't need a tree yeah how do you like dead you little punk trying to make a decent living for yourself I'm making my life joyous warm and convenient thank you [ __ ] tree how's this for a Merry Christmas you bunch of young innocent children trying to foster a loving community spirit it's really a movie about the spirit of the holidays you know really looking forward to the Santa Claus sport want to know what happens in that one don't know why they haven't made that one yet at this point basically the cranks are neighbourhood enemy number one and if pissed off just about everyone because they're not staying in line with traditions because after all the holidays truly are about crippling communistic style conformity aren't they dan Aykroyd is in this film too for some reason and he becomes upset with them because they won't put their giant Frosty the Snowman sculpture up which apparently every single person in this neighborhood is required to do the same exact one what is this some sort of cultish ritual gonna something someone gonna say something here perfect time to put up frosting tell you what truth is I'm gone I'm yeah you know this movie was better as a horror anyway it was an accident what the cattle grow new spine who cares I think this movie may actually be a masterpiece you know it's got an American Psycho thing going on it's as if the protagonist is actually the antagonist and you just find that out as the movie goes on it's brilliant really Luther is just the most irredeemably horrible person of all time but the way the film portrays it you'd think the writers would want you to sympathize with his plate but then as Nora tries to leave the neighborhood the conformist Nazis in her town try to physically force her to give up the snowman they want from her slowly turning the movie into a Mike Meyers nightmare and what I can only assume is a throwback to curtis's earlier works don't throw anything you'll regret please look it's okay because shortly thereafter Tim shows off colorful underwear in his local Irish pub woman's bathing suit nope got my own I don't I just I don't really know but at this point I'm numb to it there's no way we are wearing these on this cruise these aren't for the cruise then what are they for - what are they for you know it's odd does when an Irish pub serves fish tacos I don't get that you're a simple man aren't you apparently Luther got the bathing suits to go to a tanning parlor pre cruise so they could look you know their best for the cruise nor on the other hand is apprehensive dear god this should be outlawed and then of course Nora's local pastor shows up to see your naked boobies as one does because comedy back at home Luther brings in the local paper to show Nora and they've made front page because apparently the only thing this town has to worry about is what the cranks are up to but this this is the final straw for Nora as if the Orwellian nightmare she's been living in wasn't enough she decides to throw two fingers up and enjoy the idea of the crews after all what is this bombshell about cancer what is this movie a comedy drama horror satire undiscovered Shakespearian classic the tone of the movie is never consistent one minute it's goofy the next minute is terminal illness how do you think this photographer got the shot well he climbed up on your roof yeah why did you do that I don't know Walt I just heard about beds I'm so sorry how's she doing remarkably well you know in good spirits if there's anything we can do let me know Thanks I'm very deeply truly deeply sorry about the cancer diagnosis this is the best film ever made folks is just that simple so at this point the film takes a turn as Luther enorus daughter who left for Peru at the beginning of the movie calls and says she'll be making a return for Christmas with her new fiance after all boiling Luther's plans of the trip the next bulk of the film is just slapstick nonsense of them scrambling to get ready for the Christmas party they weren't ready for and it even includes a funny ham gag and real child abuse don't hurt that child Tim you still have another 30 years of Christmas films to make you can't make him in jail unless you're making Christmas with the Kranks too Luther gets a perforated rectum don't be silly Tim leave that child alone for your own good actually it was a suicide attempt but then in a twist of faith like one hour in the movie actually starts to pick up a bit and feels like a real holiday film that's a bigger twist and Shyamalan could ever cooked up a true Christmas miracle all right people listen up gather round we're about to have a party here at the cranks a Christmas homecoming for Blair the town sees that the cranks need help because they can't get their party together in time so they all pitch in to get supplies together before the daughter's plane lands it's kind of nice actually and reminds me of the best parts of Christmas films in general hold on why should we do this for him and good things never last like this pants but we're a community the people in the community stick together even if one of them has been behaving for most of the holiday season like a spoiled selfish little baby why should the daughter pay for the sins of the father Christmas is about giving and family and love except for to some people who I would rather be in a mass grave whose name rhymes with BIM R Allen but yeah beyond my wildest expectation I actually found myself enjoying this final part of the film I think it captures the Christmas spirit perfectly even if by accident the police even help out too by picking Blair up from the airport and bringing her home just in time Luther makes amends with his neighbors and redeems himself by giving them the cruise tickets he now won't be using because he'll be spending the holidays with family hey does this mean we have to start being nice to each other course not good that's kind of [ __ ] up dude he just gave me the tickets Ben just before things are about to wrap up a robber that snuck into the party attempts to steal jewelry from the cranks and make a getaway oh Lord umbrella Santa from the beginning is back you know what they say if you show an umbrella in the first act then you don't use it by the third you haven't written to Tim Allen film you're the guy that was selling umbrellas in the rain it's a living thank you for the party and you're welcome I'm sorry you got to work on Christmas Eve Santa always has to work on Christmas Eve it's the real Santa isn't it Thanks the real Santa praise Jesus and there it is the film ends on a nice little note while in some aspects it's one of the most tone-deaf films I've ever seen there's just something lovable about it just the fact that no one in this entire movie seems like they want to be there yet somehow it turns out all right in the end and isn't that at the end of the day what the holidays are all about being forced to be with a bunch of people you're only lukewarm on for long periods of time okay in my eyes it's perfect so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from New York baby it's 28 degrees outside give me your best Tim Allen noise I don't know Tim Allen you're from home improvement from jungle 2 jungle this is not a joke what is Tim Allen sound like you if I say Tim Allen you say you're not very wrong did you what's Tim Allen here just now you'll listen we'll talk man this is not a game do not go to these churches anymore they steal your money they sell drugs the only church that is of God as the seven churches in Asia those are the only churches that I've God and then show I am Allah there's no reason why God so draws God do all kinds of things if you can't tell me we're holding me or bush on top of our heads that time you can't tell me what that means I'm building a church called the seven my church is gonna be on fire so I'm asking you to stop supporting those churches and support me thank you so much could you give us your best Tim Allen my hope is him Alan I don't know Jim out he chose me he chose me I love all others he the [Music] he chose me out of all of those he me beautiful man let's get the [ __ ] out of here right now oh ho ho it's me the Christmas ghost of a word from our sponsors this episode of jontron was sponsored by the lovely people at audible.com if you don't know audible.com they are the premier provider of your audio books and audio products could take your audio books on-the-go with your phone tablet or just listen to them on your computer and as a special offer if you go to my specialized link audible.com slash jontron you get a free 30-day trial and a free audiobook even if you cancel you keep the audiobook this time around in the spirit of the holidays I recommend to you a Christmas carol written by charles dickens and narrated by tim curry go pick it up you won't be disappointed but Christmas is just too much [Music] ever seen home improvement oh yeah jungle 2 jungle seamlessly every does you like that yeah I know you're talking about a state out can you give me your tip out boys I stood still - no - Mountain

Channel: JonTronShow

Views: 7,912,876

Rating: 4.9384599 out of 5

Keywords: jontron, christmas with the kranks, tim allen, jamie lee curtis, christmas, christmas movie, review, funny, comedy, dan akyroid

Id: WJTDpiDH7b4

Length: 20min 44sec (1244 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 25 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/OfficialMSPainter]

Here's a link to the serious discussion thread

EDIT: As a sidenote, the mod team would like to state that we do not encourage or tolerate Wiki vandalism.

[u/theycallmebraniac]

MY CHURCH IS GONNA BE ON FIRE

[u/ShutUrMouthBekowsky]

The ending was fucking fantastic. I'm so jealous Jon got to meet Allah

[u/7Soul]

wow why even spend a month working on a movie review, just make a youtube channel for that crazy dude at the end and you're done

[u/Nuggets008]

JACQUES IS BACK FROM WAR, GUYS!

EDIT: Alright then, HE'S FUCKING DEAD AGAIN! First Vader, now eggnog? Come on little guy you know better.

[u/Skanae]

That wrist slice was unexpected

[u/TheLibertarianThomas]

RIP JON'S PANTS

[u/ApolloRicochet]

Jon is becoming a movie critic at this point.

[u/clackspoon]

So, the moral of that story is 'If you even think about doing anything but celebrating Christmas, your community will force you back into celebrating it in the One True Way.'

Good message, good message.