Takeshi's Challenge - JonTron

[Music] jontron throughout history mankind has faced challenges far and wide building the Great Wall of China combating worldwide plagues and even escaping our own atmosphere to brave the perilous journey to the infinite but there are some challenges that were just never meant to be faced some peaks to monumental some chasms to great this bravery and then that's just plain stupidity but mankind doesn't get anywhere by playing it smart some of us have to be the guinea pigs do the work no one else wants to and that's why I'm going where no man has ever gone before and come back to tell the tale mission briefing subject Takeshi Kitano otherwise known as beat Takeshi Japanese film director comedian singer actor author screenwriter poet painter okay what wasn't this guy and one-time video game designer yeah here that one time this one time was all he needed after that the seafloor split open and swallow the Caribbean earthquakes ravage the west coast of America and goblins were still really really scary oh my god ah although being more comfortable with directing and acting beat Takeshi was never one to back down from a new art porn so when Taito corporation asked him to lend his name to their new video game instead of simply saying yes and taking the money he chose to be directly involved with the creation of the game he even starred in two Japanese commercials advertising the game perplexingly enough both of these commercials were actually cryptic hints on how to complete difficult parts of the game and then this I can't provide arising from a sea foam of Uranus is severed boss I'm serious that's how it happened look it up I it's true it's definitely true to get to get Tom it will cut from the balls of tight dough and released miss to the masses this is University referred to as one of the worst ranking and hardest video games of all time and it's only known as takeshi's challenge god help us [Music] that [ __ ] there it is you're looking at the very same image a thousand Japanese kids saw on Christmas morning 1986 would you mind into there feel the pain feel the anger that first time I just want to say there's a password guard in front of this password screen here and you can just punch him and get a game over before you even play the game game over I think there has to be a game first for it to be over maybe they're talking about the game of life the game opens up with you getting yelled at in your boss's office literally you don't even get fired it's not concrete you're just being reprimanded for your mediocrity oh yeah you're gonna yell at me well this is a video game I can do what I want Oh Merry Christmas Japan 1918 why would I try to escape real life by playing a game that's more depressing than real life am I supposed to feel good by comparison well at the very least I can say this game was innovative for its time it's open-ended and has heavy real-life themes which most concurrent games had little of if any but perhaps it's a bit too open-ended where am I supposed to go the bank the Culture Club grilled morbid Mormons was gone I don't know is all right eat those guys that better should check the bro okay well I already have no idea what to do so I guess I'll do what I always do when I'm lost drink heavily but lots of drinks wait absolutely above the margin of necessary mom is scared huh it's pitch black wait where am I this woman beating up on me what's going on my home well this explains quite a bit so you talked to your wife and your options are food a bath let's go to bed I want to travel and I want a divorce this is a video game from the 80s keep in mind at this point most games look like this or are this they didn't usually have themes of domestic conflict in them and they still don't really let's give her the good ol one to divorce and see what happens him after all she is violent so you can pay alimony or punch you know whenever I find myself in this situation I find that pay alimony works out far smoother in the long run but there is no denying that a punch is a much more satisfying short term solution also I just like to point out that there is a licensed Nintendo game with domestic violence that you can literally murder your wife and literally murder your children I think I need to repeat that literally murder your children if the walls could talk they'd say really bad things about that guy now this is the point where most people like 99% of people would do this out of this house out of this house spirits be gone from this house but this is in most people [Music] this is jontron to take on this challenge I have to think like a salaryman dress like 1v1 let's beat Takeshi at his own game god dammit you are not gonna believe this this game requires an insane amount of trial and error more than any sane person would be expected to undertake for starters you're supposed to ignore your boss at the beginning of the game because you want to pick up the bonus he gives you later so you go directly to the bank and close out your account to withdraw the 50000 yen that are in there then you go to the local culture club and use the money to buy shamisen lessons yeah it sounds random right but you're supposed to do this cuz you actually have to start the game out by divorcing your wife and when you do that you have to pay her alimony and that means that 75% of the money that you're holding on to at that given moment will go to her and you need the money later or else you'll get stuck you won't be able to beat the game so basically you're trying to give your wife as little money as possible man who said who said chivalry is dead the next steps are entirely steps made of logic wit job take money out of the office plant learn to hang glide all the while managing to dodge yonkers at Tufts that are trying to beat the [ __ ] out of you as you moon jump past and by the way they're unavoidable it doesn't matter how hard you try unless you get lucky 10% of a time they'll teleport to you and take a hit now normally in a video game this wouldn't be a problem but for a majority of the time in this game you can't replenish your hearts and you only have four which is not a lot trust me it's like the yuccas are just a tax at all every time you pass one they take a part of you with them the more you play the game the more you run the meter better use your time wisely she's an allegory it's just an allegory of our inevitable demise I'm slowly dying I'm slowly dying just like him each obstacle makes an etching in my soul now this may seem very cryptic and convoluted but that's because you haven't heard the next part you're then supposed to go to the pachinko parlor and buy 500 balls and lose them sir you don't have enough balls okay okay first off rude but secondly yes I [ __ ] do because they won't go down I keep winning balls you know one time I want to lose it gambling and I can't do it if I tried I don't know for sure what hell looks like but I think it might be a bit like takeshi's challenge this is ridiculous shut up you dick you're supposed to be supposed to yell into the microphone on the second controller a bunch of Yakuza toughs fill into the parlor and to beat this part you have to knock out at least one of them which is really hard cuz they all three pummel onto you really quickly and you die in seconds oh and did I mention any time you die in this game you have to go to the beginning and that means doing every single minut step all over again and by the time you beat this game you can write a strategy guide on it cuz you know it front to back after you scare off the Yaak is up from the parlor the owner gives you a bunch of balls but you use to buy a shamisen what even it what even what even is that okay it's that that's what it is I guess okay I mean I guess I'm familiar I just didn't know the name now we're off to the karaoke bar to sing the same song three times in a row because Takeshi Kitano is an insane person you actually have to sing into the microphone on the second controller which is pretty innovative for its time but it's incredibly difficult and precise once you've completed the songs guess what happens yes guess what a bunch of yuccas are storming to the bar and you have to beat to share of all of them again on the same hearts then just in the nick of time an old man comes in and gives you a map and then you beat the [ __ ] out of them it's not even an option you have to do that but when you look at the map of course it's blank to reveal it you have to let it soak in water and wait five minutes but not more than ten and then cry into the microphone or a fade it in sunlight and let the controller's sit for an hour ah arbitrary wait times what do you know it's an early MMO now that we've got our treasure map I say it's off to the South Pacific no seriously ahead to the airport and board a plane for the South Pacific you know this only just dawned on me right now but do you realize that this is a Nintendo game in which you quit your job divorce your wife and go treasure-hunting not honor best game best King what do you get there you get a gun well getting the gun is kind of cool I guess I actually works it's not just a bait-and-switch only now can you sleep at the hotel and regain your hearts oh my god it's beautiful it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen you know for such a bad game when I saw those seven hearts I was happy I guess it just shows that life's all about perspective okay this next part I can't even stress enough this is one of the hardest parts in any video game I've ever played you have one shot at this flying segment where you have to shoot a revolve or a breast a hang-glider and giant dive bombing pigeons and UFOs if you get hit once you're dead game over and you know what that means divorce your wife sing the karaoke question if it's ethical to eat Mormons do the whole thing over again just to have another go with this hang gliding segment it could take you 20 30 times before you get this and it wouldn't even be so bad if you could fully control the hang glider but once you drop altitude the only way you can go back up is they hit one of these gusts of wind which you can accidentally shoot and destroy never never in my life have I said goddamnit I shot the wind again and meant it and meant that can you even fathom how hard this is was a human actually intended to be able to overcome this after a while it breaks you down it the only thing that keeps you going is the thought of what's coming next if there's the thought of winning you can't let him beat you it was designed to beat you and you want to know how hard this game is I started this review in 2012 come on I have to do this I can't stop until I do this please I got there I got to the island can finally hear I'm in the treasure cave this is the final stretch of course they wouldn't give you a break either there's literally enemies losing from every crack of this cave talk about having some PTSD or looking at this wall to having flashbacks haven't do the goddamn [ __ ] pigeon section again it's a non-stop barrage of the scorpions a me his pirate skeletons and flame balls I swear to God I don't even think you could beat this segment if there wasn't a built-in exploit to the game which is if you pause the game and unpause it all the enemies reset and then finally you see it just out of the corner of your eye not everyone is created equal not in a racist way I'm talking more about willpower sorry if you thought that was a racist or sexist comment some are quicker to make an excuse than a commitment but we live in a world where if you don't decide to be the very best some will step up and be happy to take your place today we've scaled a new peak and you know what he was pretty good from up here Takeshi I beat your challenge to the victor go the spoils what do I win [Music] they say that s all it is he said this is amazing Keaton Osama wat pass Rizzuto Anat a node I Honda's battery Roy you know an attack ohonta nice Qaeda's new home agenda game no Tanja no cheetahs Naza Takeshi nacho send robots k'tano deskah nos devatas - neat I stay konna koto sura no desu ka' whatas no koto Gojira nano deskah Lara Kanye ristretto no deskah hoo-hoo Tony wafu Toto bean seungah Doha Zarate mascara curry baat karta Sasebo mo n since Tikrit mo kamo Mason watashi wa honky des majima neko no tegami whoa an autonomous homo tyga mija see sobaco a tennis toka heavy oculus a crevasse oh no achieve Oh Deborah Mason commence at Sega a Ouattara Han Tony so Hosseini Akim us attract begging to Elgin thanks for watching if you want to stay up to date on jontron like my facebook and follow me on Twitter I promise I'll use them if you're so fancy watching yourself another jontron will click those annotations right there they'll take you to the videos you don't know by now right it's been 1 it's 8 years since this website maybe more since its launched you should really know that's something that's on you

Channel: JonTronShow

Views: 16,867,567

Keywords: takeshi's challenge, Takeshi Kitano (Video Game Designer), jontron, Takeshi No Chōsenjō (Video Game), Takeshi's Castle (TV Program)

Id: m6MIlJYiJUs

Length: 14min 40sec (880 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 22 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/ThDark]

That was a nice suit, does Jon's dad know Giorgio Armani?

[u/pepincity]

''I started the review in 2012'' That explains everything!

[u/LaqOfInterest]

I think this is the closest we've come to a JonTron ending that actual resembles... an ending.

[u/mutehero]

DROP EVERYTHING, THAT'S A NEW SHIRT

[u/ColinFilm]

You can't dodge those Yakuza guys. Doesn't even matter how hard you try.

[u/Hespdow]

And according to Wikipedia, if you leave the ending screen on for 5 minutes, it says "Why are you taking this game so seriously?"... what an asshole!

[u/Shuriken95]

This might actually be the best JonTron yet... I mean holy crap was that good!

[u/[deleted]]

I enjoy every JonTron, they are all great and funny in their own way.

But this, fuckin this: it is a masterpiece by JonTron. So fresh, so funny, such an interesting game to review, especially considering my love for Takeshis movies(both acting/directing) and my total non-acquaintance with his ehm "gaming career".

Jon, not sure if you read this, but I hope you do know, that you have come an astronomically long way since Daikatana, like Megaparsecs long and have since made hilarious and super entertaining content. You rock Jan, 10/10, echtcetera echtcetera.

[u/pm_me_sum_tits]

In the interest of keeping the site alive here is the link to the video on normalboots.com.