The Zoo Race - JonTron

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] it's Christmastime time to spend with friends family and of course little baby JC over here how you enjoying your birthday buddy you ain't got much time left so live it up now you know I mean they do some fucked-up [ __ ] to you like they [ __ ] you up dude and finally the Christmas season is about taking a break from the hustle and bustle of life I tell you playing these games is hard work so I'm gonna kick back relax turn on a Nintendo game and try to get my brain to rest it so dearly needs there's no rest for a jontron is there there's no rest all right I suppose it's my duty then one more in the spirit of the season I give you this gift to hold warmly in your heart like a Yuletide log brace yourselves for the zoo race zoo races is a game someone made this this is a thing that exists and was put into the world knowingly let me give you a taste in one picture I'm gonna show you what zoo race is all about did you get that is that all sinking in for you let's get broken let's get broken together this Christmas you and me you know forget Rudolph forget frosty and Charlie Brown I just wanna get I wanna get real sad hi Reuben may I ask what book are you reading oh hi Hannah yes it's a book about Noah's Ark my boy here we go look at Albert Einstein over here just perfectly placed for this meeting of the minds Rubin do you actually believe in the Bible story of Noah's Ark two sentences in she's already asking about his beliefs now first stop that's just rude he's second off it hey where the [ __ ] you going you're gonna just ask him run okay just repositioning yourself then proven yes Hannah I must recommend for you to read perhaps some more informative books Nana frankly I don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about this is like the most exciting [ __ ] it's a book about a guy collecting every animal it's like the original Pokemon there's always the dictionary encyclopedias and also many history books to choose from always dad how you get smart deaf that would explain it I've been trying for ages and failing no Hannah I like books about animals those other books are boring to me and my dialogue was written by a four-year-old look at his lady walking down the hall once she gets in earshot she's out of there she's a smartest person in the room do you think that Noah had any creature races in those days after the world flood now Ruben you know that's a loaded question did Noah play and have fun with the animals no Ruben you know that's a loaded question I think that maybe you read too many books Ruben and Ruben this is a librarian telling you this clearly she can see you're a man who's been reading one too many a dusty of skis great works it must be the vacant existential stare that tipped her off you have too much imagination Ruben oh that's the hand of a defeated man right there and you would actually start in announce such a race would it be God himself maybe ha ha Yeah right ha ha yeah that's totally the weirdest thing about this actually I would love to but this is a very busy time of year for me I've got my son's birthday and don't laugh at me now Hanna while this man's brain may be filled with as many holes as a fine Swiss cheese that's it that's the thing you're gonna single out that he couldn't announce a race but but you know that God can do it because God can do anything is anyone else getting the feeling this conversation has about as much depth as two five-year-olds arguing over who the best Ninja Turtle is come on Hannah let's race you and me let's race oh and ease off look at this guy go he's homeward bound come on buddy keep going you're making time for the holidays you do it big guy Quinn back that up a bit there for the first time in my life I'm [ __ ] [ __ ] speechless come on Hannah are you going to race me I [ __ ] back here you need to get a brain Reuben and besides that well I don't think that I can race even if I wanted to I'm not very strong or anything I don't feel very well actually guys I think you know maybe maybe it's me right now let's not feeling so good what a horse now yes that statement is true care to go on and you Ruben you're a rhinoceros Hanna come on that's just rude that's tasteless what else could ever happen to us today lady you just got turned into a horse I'm gonna say sky's the limit oh my god yeah this one's for real isn't it hey where you guys going over there is it somewhere else take me with you all right so this is the zoo race I guess subtitled Noah's Adventures - is that like follow up to Noah's Adventure one the video game that doesn't exist or is it actually a sequel to the Bible story if it's the latter interesting move from religious texts a video game bold choice so what is this j-pop lovely you could look at the credits yeah if they ever get you yeah I don't know what I was expecting it would appear that a man named taco Cohen wrote a whole seven lines of code for this game what they do it in C - - oh and by the way this is very important to remember so write this down Tamar the tiger was created by Dan Silverman then we couldn't have done this without your buddy Pete chapati chapati it's more fun than nothing is that Tamar the tiger over there oh well I take it all back I can see now that it explicit but it was necessary hey tomorrow's that rigor mortis set in for you yet yeah I feel you man it's tough Jewish Rhino top happy dancing lamb doesn't know he's about to get slaughtered I don't know what that is on the right I think it might be a pharaoh go all these screens look like a web site from the early internet days the earth was filled with great violence in Noah's time as the Bible describes yeah just Noah's time thank god that's over the game story fiction oh thank god they cleared that up all right time to pick a character I guess what's with these titles warrior courageous swim champion one of these is not like the other one of them fought and died for their cause the other one there did a mean backstroke at summer camp well here's Tamar again yeah I'm just gonna say I'm gonna say that's just a [ __ ] tiger I'm not so sure you can get credit for making a 3d model of a [ __ ] tiger I think the only person who should be credited for this if anyone has got himself and I think you know in light of this whole thing is a bit blasphemous to try to take credit for that or at the very least it's just plagiarism priscila the pig I gotta hand it to you you really are the Entertainer yeah there's something about you I just I can't put my finger on what it is you know I'm gonna go with the pig because I feel like you know maybe there's some real dire consequences for not going with the pig oh god you don't sound so good you get enough sleep last night oh oh there she goes oh there's no turning back now we're head to the starting line is that just is the word nectarine just gonna be there the whole time all right I'll roll with it oh my [ __ ] I think I think I think I'm bleeding from the chest you know when I got on here to play this game based on Noah's Ark I remember saying to myself I said if they don't have a shitty version of Van Halen's jump as the background music I'm out oh I think I found a defector over here looks like one of Satan's boys is trying to claw his way back to hell yeah no dice buddy that would have taken at least eight lines of programming listen man I'm really sorry about your situation but I got a race to win this is a glitch I don't know I don't know I do all I think that was a good no it wasn't wasn't a glitch presume resumed this almost looks like Mario 64 and should slap myself for saying that [Music] all that good that goddamn gorillas staring at me again I will not have this is like a bad day at the Bronx Zoo oh this is awesome that is that John 3:16 over here sir only goddamn great irradiated barrels my way oh hey I actually won what's my prize other than of course you know getting the privilege to stare headlong into Noah's dick Shalom am I missing something isn't that one different ain't that like going to Disneyland and ask him for a Bugs Bunny hat oh no no don't don't do me like this please just just don't do me like this is that is that him is that Noah oh here he comes coming in from downtown don't get Paul Noah it's a lady hey there is nothing in the known universe that science cannot explain but this appears to be beyond the realm of Sciences is this meant to test my faith or to lead me to faith also you maybe wanna you know set off a few of those fireworks a bit farther from the pig unless of course your aim here is to make bacon rain which I admit is also a very admirable goal want to run that by me one more time maybe this time it's one less Vicodin jam down your throat this game is a trainwreck of the most beautiful kind the controls are wonky the courses consist mostly of straightaways and 90-degree hairpin turns and there doesn't seem to be any ulterior goal except winning the race and watching Noah through his magical firework dance let's check out the second level avoid the obstacles one of which is God himself it seems come on you guys have given me conflicting messages here this race is pirate and Egyptian themed I'm pretty sure those things existed at different times and I think maybe one of them didn't even exist at all all the gold is yours now also I'm the Lincoln Memorial with gold or banana peels my graphics aren't good enough to jail you still get to stare my dick though [Music] dude I don't think that was weed we just smoked everybody's up for Manoa partying I was in the house and let me say no say no to this many kids moms always say no to drugs she also men say no to this let's check out Seth's Safari avoid the dinosaurs okay this one I got it this one makes sense to me okay maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought no way you're just trying to tenderize these animals so you can make a great steak later if so I gotta hand it to you the Rube Goldberg approach is very unique I bet it took even longer to set up than the boat you're a man of many talents you know that raise the Lord praise the Lord and by praise the Lord I mean look at this bridge filled with dinosaurs pterodactyls and a teetering station car if that doesn't get the point of the Lord across I just don't know what will Lord please just give me a sign where you going with this [ __ ] what what okay now I'm gonna get hit by this train wait no oh now I'm driving it okay this is happening this puts the effing faith if you know what I'm sayin it's fantastic you know I didn't know we could get this good I don't know how we're gonna top this [Music] all I'm coming i jizz I'm done here I fulfilled my purpose sight dying need to see no more [ __ ] down here great juxtaposition here is that it is it over what no I know Here I am oh my god well the show must go on thanks Noah for putting me through that traumatizing [ __ ] I may be number one at the swimming contest but I'll never be right in the head again really the only part of this game that's actually entertaining is seeing all the crazy absurd concepts four levels and they're extremely weird scripted events if you can call them that most of the rest of the game is just pure confusion unadulterated lack of spatial understanding okay I am not comfortable with this that horse is way too eager to get in that cannon what kind of state you gotta be I mean what do you what do you parents got to do to you for you to turn out like this to make something like this I don't even know what the [ __ ] she problem there's a bully's cocaine boat from Miami but that's okay cuz why not I did a bunch of coke before I made this game oh you know watch out for those giant rats coming down a slide when you're a horse going up a slide this pizza looks like he's a piece on the ground am i outside the fence my outside the fence am i anywhere is any of these play I jump over the well I went I remember when I was up there on the ledge with that with the rifle Jesus said don't do it and then he sang me this song and I and I and I took the gun and I said you know right Jesus what am i doing thank you for playing me this song I'm putting me on this rocket on this caterpillar you know to the moon though to the moon to the moon to the moon oh yeah we're going didn't tell me you didn't a lead you know when you go on the new Virgin Atlantic's faithful you got a sign of goddamn waiver yes that is just straight-up a NASA space shuttle what is things you're out of control man I'm cutting you off seriously science and religion and a bear with a pink hat on the moon stay tuned folks we got more where that came from hello US government yeah I'm calling in because I'd like to cancel Christmas yeah exactly just like the Grinch yes because the human race doesn't deserve a break we got at least 1020 years for we're gonna fix this [ __ ] so does this cancel Christmas all around the world or I gotta call each country individually yeah I'll hold I just want to say thank you guys so much for me this has been an amazing year of working on jontron I've never been so passionate and focused in my life and really it's all thanks to you without your rabid undying support I could never pull this off so from the bottom of my heart this is jontron wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year if you want to help support the show consider signing up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com at audible.com slash jontron you get a free audiobook just for signing up so kick off this Christmas season right with Tim Curry's a Christmas carol yes that exists that's a winner come on how could you say no if you want to check out something real cool check out pixel logic on IndieGoGo it's a fundraiser for a sprite art tutorial made by Michael Ozzy the guy who does all the jontron pixel art he's done so much for this show so why don't you go dude so much for him click it see you next time

Channel: JonTronShow

Views: 13,262,364

Rating: 4.9489975 out of 5

Keywords: the zoo race, zoo race, jontron, religious, christian, bible, noah's ark, Bible Adventures (Video Game), funny, review, jontronshow, zoo, race, pig

Id: m2av978FgLI

Length: 16min 55sec (1015 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 13 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/DJPizzaBagel]

Five minutes on just the opening cutscene? That seems a bit excessi-

Is... is that a man slowly rising from the floor making a toilet flushing noise followed by the other character making my exact facial expression at this moment?

I'm sorry, Jon, I'll never doubt you again.

[u/[deleted]]

ROCKET! TO THE MOON!

[u/GreenReversinator]

For those that want another taste of this masterpiece, Caddicarus and BrutalMoose also made a video on The Zoo Race.

[u/EggSpinner]

New JonTron is the best gift anyone can get this holiday season.

[u/AustinAuranymph]

This feels like an episode of Game Grumps if you removed Arin's voice.

[u/[deleted]]

For some reason, I only get youtube notifications when Jon uploads a video.

And it's BYOTIFUL.

[u/imaginedmind]

This game is quite possibly the best game ever created. If someone asked me what the weirdest aspect of the game was, I wouldn't be sure how to respond.

[u/glennjamin85]

XMAS 2013 - Let's get nuts. XMAS 2014 - Let's get broken.

[u/Rikard_Lund]

A 20+ minute Dan and Barry episode, and a new Jontron? What a day this turned out to be :)