Bill Burr's Nightmare on the Universal Mario Ride

my I'm going to talk about Universe let me talk about Universal okay for those of you around the world out here in LA we have there's two theme parks okay you have Disney World land right which is the one you want to go to all right they know I'm gonna sit down for this so you guys know that this is coming from the heart okay so anyway Universal it's it's like they make they're making [ __ ] on the lot and then up top the people that go to their movies they have all of these [ __ ] rides that you go on so every once in a while a new ride opens up and if you have kids your kids want to go on it so the new Mario World ride opened up and we went there and my wife my wife um I don't know what she did like she always buys the VIP [ __ ] she goes don't worry she goes we have the VIP you know we can just [ __ ] go in and but our VIP [ __ ] didn't count on the new ride they're like yeah that doesn't count like what are we talking about we paid an extra 100 bucks per ticket they're like yeah that's for the other rides you know do you remember Joe Dirt you remember that the Joe Dirt ride you can get on that shout out to David Spade the Joe Dirt ride it's a [ __ ] 69 super B that does a loop-de-loop you can say I don't want to [ __ ] go on that well you wouldn't have to stand in line there's no one in that line you [ __ ] it's a [ __ ] movie from 30 goddamn years ago we have the Tango in cash [ __ ] water ride it's it's good for that but any of this new [ __ ] so we go into like Mario World and the first thing we did we got there early we stand in line for this [ __ ] ride dude it was two hours and 40 minutes to get on the [ __ ] ride dude every time you thought you'd gone up the last flight of stairs and gone into the last room they had and there was no Refreshments no nothing so people are getting dehydrated and then they keep bringing you outside of the structure and I'm going on you know it's one of those fights you don't want to have with your wife in that line because there's no you can't walk away right you're just standing there you don't want to start anything and I'm just sitting there thinking like what the [ __ ] didn't you get the [ __ ] goddamn [ __ ] you know you always know where the best [ __ ] is how did you [ __ ] this up right I was like the dad in Poltergeist you know you moved the gravestones but she didn't move the bodies why that's what I wanted to do you got VIP tickets but it didn't count on this [ __ ] right so two hours and 40 [ __ ] minutes standing in line it was so bad in the beginning I actually I felt for everyone around me going like how can you do this to these hard-working Americans this is [ __ ] terrible to run a business like this people come here they're with their kids people are crying but within an hour of this I was I just hated everybody and I was like you know what these [ __ ] people deserve it look at it a bunch of fat [ __ ] standing here [ __ ] [ __ ] in front of me they cut us they did this thing where they were like they sort of like saw how long the line was and they'll say it was like going all the way that way they sort of got to like you know it was like you know only like five or ten groups of people and they kind of went like is that the law is that is that like is that like the line and then they were just [ __ ] in it and like that was like an hour of my life going why didn't I say anything you know I didn't say anything because they all outweighed Me by at least 120 pounds yeah morbidly morbidly obese in their 20s primary their life you know should be running down the beach like they're in Baywatch carrying that little thing whatever that thing was for like what was that thing football I'm in the ocean that's what I'm going to hang on to you're going to put it in your teeth and [ __ ] swim back with your big [ __ ] heavy fake 90s titties like we're not going to go down to the ground you might as well put cement shoes here right we went with another dad and his kid and his kid an hour and 50 minutes in was just hanging over the [ __ ] banish Banner thing and he's going this is the most boring thing ever it was like bombing and staying up for two hours and 40 straight [ __ ] minutes I remember one point I was sitting up on the thing because I finally had to sit down and I was up on the top thing and I was sitting there and I saw somebody walking down dressed as Super Mario and I'm like I know this [ __ ] is going to tell me to get off this [ __ ] thing and I am not moving and she just came like [ __ ] on the dick could you not bring relief to your lower back after this ungodly wait for three and a half minutes I mean semi good time that's why I love my wife she was sitting on the lower one and I was sitting there and the dab we were with was looking at us waiting to acknowledge the authority and neither one of us did and she just kept walking because you're not sit down there like that and she never did anything and we never [ __ ] moved I just took the guys like I'm not [ __ ] moving what are you gonna do throw me out and end this so we finally get into like this room they're like okay everybody I [ __ ] do it and they bring us like a whole group of us they're like come on everybody I see space I see see space keep walking in all right we're looking at trash compactor thing from the movie you guys like right the [ __ ] Star Wars all right yeah [ __ ] yeah buddy [ __ ] Star Wars man [ __ ] live long with Chewbacca in your buck Roger Beady Beady [ __ ] right so there will be one person that comes up oh that's Star Trek they do that in Star Trek all right Star Trek has May the force be with you right is that how you do it oh wait that's Hitler it's hard it's hard to keep them all keep track of all of them so we get in this [ __ ] room and then this poor woman right she's got like the uh the drive-through the drive-through microphone she's like all right everybody's in okay and we've been waiting for two hours and 40 minutes and she has the [ __ ] balls to go all right you guys ready to ride the Super Mario ride and the parents are like yeah yes we are that was the entire purpose of this exercise and you know the deal when somebody says are you ready no matter how much you say you're ready it's never enough right so we're standing that she's like oh come on this is the Super Mario ride you could do better are you ready to ride the Super Mario ride and everybody's like with the last bit of [ __ ] hydration we have in our body we're like yeah tell me where the dick is and I will suck it please let this part of my life end right and then guess what happens nothing nothing cause the ride has not arrived on the other side so now she has to filler bust and she's not good at it going like this ride took over 75 [ __ ] hours to whatever the [ __ ] she was saying and then it ends and she starts again all right I hear it I hear it and she's like are you guys ready I remember there was this giant guy with this head that weighed as much as my body and I could see him standing over everybody and he was I just saw the side of his face in the complete lack of synapses firing and he's like squinting and she was going like are you [ __ ] ready are you ready to get in the [ __ ] Mario right and he was just like he just opened his mouth and exhaled was like [Laughter] right and then she did it and she had the balls the [ __ ] cojones to do it again you guys can I say I'm [ __ ] ready and finally this one dad who the only person with self-esteem less just went like yeah we've been waiting for two and a half [ __ ] hours right he didn't say [ __ ] and she had the balls to be like what and he goes we've been waiting for two and a half hours and I hated myself that I didn't say yeah exactly what do you think we're doing here this is a horrible experience not worth the wait we realized that an hour and 10 minutes in but there was no way to get out we were just surrounded and there was metal on both sides it was like the Ron Burgundy I'm trapped in a glass house of emotion so finally we get in there we go into another [ __ ] room they closed the door and this [ __ ] guy's talk I can't at this point I don't even remember what happened then we went to the final last thing it's like okay this is what you got you got to put the thing on and then put the glasses on and then you gotta [ __ ] this is shooting and all of this stuff and then we got on and it was like [ __ ] three and a half minutes and the whole that's it and the whole [ __ ] thing was over and we in there I couldn't tell what I was shooting at and all this type but I don't play I'm not a video game guy right you know what I mean I drank beers right I [ __ ] hung out with the fellas I could throw a ball all right I lived my childhood outside in reality I didn't stay inside friendless jerking off pretending I was a Navy SEAL playing siphon filter well actually I played that game we ended up getting out of there right I'm trying to work on not cursing in front of my kids and we sat down at to eat a crusty burger at The Simpsons part of the park and I finally like my wife's going like so do you want to go down and go on the uh the Jurassic Jurassic [ __ ] Velociraptor [ __ ] ride and I just I couldn't hold it anymore I go I'm [ __ ] wiped I I can't I still want to do this anymore like you know if this is like the end of the relationship I'm actually I don't know if I have an inmate to like save it and if you just wanna meet some other guy here with Mouse ears that has a little better attitude about this types of things like I'm sure we can work on a financial settlement but I am [ __ ] I am [ __ ] out of here like I can't I literally can't [ __ ] do this anymore oh it's great when you leave when you leave they're like [ __ ] you like you got to go all the way out this way and where all the fatties come in they got this wide birth and you just gotta walk all the way you're seeing the Shrubbery it's so bad because you can see like Civilization like oh my God look at those houses that have air conditioning and stuff you're [ __ ] just walking out yeah but the best part was we got home and like my daughter fell asleep and everything and she came in and her Nana was there and she was like how was it and she was just like it was unbelievable and she totally flipped out and everything I was like all right thank God it's always worth it so in a way that was an endorsement laughs

Channel: All Things Comedy

Views: 1,142,319

Keywords: ATC, ALL THINGS COMEDY, bill burr, al madrigal, podcast, atc podcast, all things comedy podcast, bill burr podcast, bill burr stand up, bill burr reaction, monday morning podcast, comedians, mario world, comedy podcasts, mario world ride, mario world universal studios hollywood, mario world ride universal, mario world ride universal studios, bill burr monday morning podcast, bill burr stand up 2023, bill burr comedy, bill burr standup, bill burr ramble, universal horror nights

Id: Urg53Jl1-Kg

Length: 12min 7sec (727 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 22 2023