One day, I am 19 years old. I am out of my mind. And I'm walking past a wall and on this wall there's a poster. And it is advertising a martial arts tournament. A one-day, winner takes all, no holds barred martial arts tournament. Like a UFC-style death tournament, OK? I was like, that's me right there. Yeah. I'm going to enter into the tournament. I will win, I guess, on account of my tenacity. (audience laughing) Is what I was thinking. And I was like, everyone's going to respect me now. They're going to know I'm the realest. This is awesome. This is my ticket right here to respect. Now many of you heard that and you're like, that's a terrible plan. If you fight people who actually know how to fight, they're going to punch your head off. (audience laughing) And you would be correct. (audience laughing) But it's worse than that. Because I did not sign up for a one-day UFC-style death tournament. I accidentally, without realizing it, signed up for a one-day point scoring karate tournament. (audience laughing) For those of you who don't know what that is, it is not no holds barred. It is all holds barred, OK? (audience laughing) Point scoring karate is not so much fighting as a celebration of karate, OK? Most of the rule sets don't allow you to actually punch each other. You tap each other for points. The referee resets you. Everyone has a good time. Karate is fun, OK? It is not no holds barred. Most people don't even punch. It's crazy, OK? So I have signed up thinking it's a death tournament but it is point scoring karate. I go and tell my gang member friends-- (audience laughing) --yo, I signed up for a one-day UFC-style tournament. Are you guys going to come support me? And they're like, "yes, we will be there. "That sounds amazing. "We will all be there." One of my friends is like, "what division are you going "to fight in?" And I was like, they break up these divisions by belt. I'm going to fight in black belt. He was like, "yo, that's crazy "because you don't have a black belt." And I was like, it's not a problem. And it wasn't. (audience laughing) You can just buy a black belt. They're like $40. It's incredibly reasonable. We could all be black belts tonight, OK? (audience laughing) No one stops you. No one asks you any questions. There's no written test. The guy who sells it to you doesn't even do one of these to see if you do karate back at him. (audience laughing) He does it. You're like. He's like, that was pretty fast. You can have it. I'm watching you though. (audience laughing) No. None of that happens. I went to a store. I bought a black belt. And the guy who sold it to me, up sold me a pair of nunchucks, OK? (audience laughing) That I was later arrested for using. (audience laughing) Now that's a fun sentence to say. (audience laughing) I bought a black belt and I was sold nunchucks. But if you stop and think about what's happening in that situation, it's so much more insane than you think. Because here's what's happening. It is the year 2005. I have face tattoos in 2005. That's crazy, OK? Tattoos were not popular back then, all right? To have face tattoos was like, that's a gang member, OK? I walk up, buy a black belt. They like, put it on the thing. He looks at me right in my stupid, tattooed face, OK? Sees me, a gang member, buying a black belt I did not earn, obviously. (audience laughing) And he thinks to himself, I'm going to sell this guy nunchucks. (audience laughing) What? (audience laughing) Just like is it morally right to do this? No. Am I going to make the sale and get those shoes I've been thinking about? Absolutely, I am. Like what are you doing? He literally was like, hey, do you want nunchucks? And I was like, "that's allowed! "Chuck me up, let's go!" (audience laughing) He goes, do you want metal or wood? I was like, "you know what I want." (audience laughing) He sold me nunchucks that I was arrested for using in a bar fight. (audience laughing) That's right. Sounds tough if you don't think about it. (audience laughing) If you think about it for any amount of time, it sucks. (audience laughing) It sucks a lot. Because the implication of that is that I was in my 20s, going to bars with nunchucks, OK? (audience laughing) It's stupid. I knocked a guy out, full on. But he went to sleep. Sounds tough, but then you have to stop and think about it really, because what that implies is that my brother and all my tough biker friends start like a Wild West bar brawl. And they're all fighting like men. And then here comes Shayne with nunchucks just like, I'm in the matrix. (audience laughing) And you better believe I didn't know how to use them, OK? (audience laughing) Oh, I watched zero YouTube tutorials, OK? The fight started and I was like, wait for me guys, trying to get them out of my pants. (audience laughing) No, I got it. I got it. (audience laughing) I just hurt my hip immediately the second I-- Oh. (audience laughing) How do they do this? (audience laughing) I hit a guy so hard though, they do work. They do work though. Woo! Just knocked him out cold. I was arrested immediately. (audience laughing) So fast. I got arrested so fast it felt like cops were already in the bar. Like they were waiting for me. Like it was a Kung Fu sting or something. (audience laughing) They were just in the bar. Just like, yeah, roger. Yeah, it is nunchucks. (audience laughing) No, roger. Those are nunchucks, move in. (audience laughing) In my mind, I was like, I'm going to hit everybody with these nunchucks. (audience laughing) I'm going to hit so many people. (audience laughing) I hit one guy, I hit zero more people. (audience laughing) So I hit him. I was immediately arrested. And this is why I will never forget this night for the rest of my life, OK? I get arrested super fast. Now hands behind my back, in handcuffs. The cop is leading me out of the bar under arrest. One hand on the back of my neck, the other hand gripping the chain of the handcuffs, and he is pushing me out of the bar. And as he's doing it, he says to the back of my head, he goes, "Michelangelo is "my favorite." (audience laughing) (audience cheering) I was just like, am I still in trouble? (audience laughing) "Oh, yeah. "You're super arrested right now. "It's crazy how hard you're going "to jail, dude." I was like, I just had to ask, you know? (audience laughing) See, I would love-- I've told this story on the road a whole bunch. And more than anything, I love imagining a guy in the audience hearing the story and being like, hold on. (audience laughing) It sounds like the time I got hit with nunchucks. (audience laughing) Just leaves the show room. Goes into the lobby with his phone, calls his friend. His friend answers, he goes, shut up! Shut up right now! Do you remember in 2005 when I got knocked out in that fight and everyone made fun of me because I said I got hit with nunchucks? (audience laughing) And all of you guys were like, no one brings nunchucks to the bar. (audience laughing) You got knocked out regular. Well, he's here right now. (audience laughing) No, I don't know if he has nunchucks on him. (audience laughing) Oh, man. So I have a black belt now, right? (audience laughing) And I'm ready for the fight. So here's what happened. So I have my black belt but the fight isn't for several days. I signed up and I have to wait for the tournament. Now I don't know if you guys can know by just looking at me, but I'm not a big consequences guy, OK? (audience laughing) I don't think about them. Consequences, those are future Shayne's problems, OK? (audience laughing) That guy hates us. (audience laughing) But we don't care what he thinks, do we? (audience laughing) We're out here living. So I signed up for this tournament and I do begin to develop anxiety. I'm not used to waiting for a fight. Now don't forget, I do believe I've signed up for a one-day UFC-style tournament. And I'm freaking out because I'm like, OK, well, I have confidence in myself but these guys are like the best guys. They're black belts. Those are the best fighters, right? Now I'm like, what if they knock me out? What if they beat me up? What if they humiliate me in front of my friends? I'm going crazy. I have all this anxiety. I can't sleep. I'm obsessing. The day of the fights come. And I'm so nervous, I'm so wracked with anxiety that I am not perceiving the world around me as I walk into a high school gymnasium, OK? (audience laughing) Surrounded by children, all right? (audience laughing) It is like noon on Saturday. This is not the time for a UFC-style death tournament. But that's not occurring to me. I'm literally in a gym, like in a basketball court with the wrestling mats laid out. There's people all over. In my mind, I'm so nervous that I'm just like, yeah, kids fight to the death too. (audience laughing) Karate is crazy like that. I'm losing it, man. I'm so nervous, I sent my gang member friends into the bleachers with the moms. (audience laughing) And I sign in. I'm completely focused. Just looking at the mat. You can do this, Shayne. You can do this, Shayne. I'm freaking out. They announce the first pairing over the loudspeaker. They're just like, "first up "in the black belt division, "we've got Shayne Smith versus "Sensei Dan." I was like the sensei. (audience laughing) Right? That's the best guy. I was like, why am I fighting the final boss? That doesn't make sense. (audience laughing) You don't do that first. I should fight three progressively bigger guys. And every time I beat them, I get some fruit and that makes me healthier. (audience laughing) Or something. You don't fight the best guy. Because in my mind, the sensei is the best guy, right? He's the sensei. What I am not realizing at the time is that every guy in this tournament is a sensei. They all own karate schools. All these children are their students. Why else would an adult be here? (audience laughing) But I don't know that. I'm like, Dan's the sensei. He's the guy. This place is so casual and everyone's having so much fun with each other, they don't even call him by his last name. They called him Sensei Dan. That doesn't occur to me. I'm just like, well, Dan's the Ultimate Warrior. (audience laughing) I walk into the circle to get ready for the fight, all right? I'm here, the referee's here. Dan comes out and I see him for the first time. Now, I can only describe Dan as like, have you guys ever seen Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc, you know that guy? (audience laughing) All right. Now, I would never body shame someone, OK? Truly, from the bottom of my heart, if you are living your life and you're happy and killing it, I'm happy and proud for you. You keep doing that. But let's all be real with each other, some bodies are not karate bodies, OK? (audience laughing) Dan did not exactly have a body for karate. (audience laughing) But that's not what I thought when I saw him. I was so amped up and so nervous that as soon as I saw him, my first thought was, well, that's what the Ultimate Warrior looks like. (audience laughing) Crazy all his muscle is in the middle of him like that. (audience laughing) Never seen this before. He can probably deadlift 800 pounds. That's a power belly, that's what that is. (audience laughing) Dan walks up to me and we are facing-off for the fight. Dan is wearing eyeglasses for the fight. Now, in point scoring karate, you can't punch someone in the face. (audience laughing) So he's safe to wear glasses. But I don't know that. (audience laughing) I see my man wearing eyeglasses for a fist fight and I'm just like, wow, you don't think I can hit you in the face. (audience laughing) You're so confident that you're going to matrix past all my punches, you wore glasses for the fight? Another level of confidence. It makes me nervous immediately. I'm just like, this guy thinks he's going to knock me out before I can touch his glasses? This is crazy. I'm losing my mind. The referee is like, "are you ready?" Yeah. "Are you ready?" Yeah. And he's about to tell us to fight. Dan and I are existing in two separate realities. (audience laughing) Simultaneously, OK? Dan is here, smiling away at the point scoring karate tournament to have fun with his friends and family. I am at the Mortal Kombat tournament. (audience laughing) Fighting for my life. (audience laughing) So the referee says, fight. And dude, before his hand is even all the way down, I am attacking Dan like a wild animal. (audience laughing) Right? Because how do you beat the best guy? You got to go right at him. (audience laughing) I can't fight him on his terms, that's crazy. He's a master. (audience laughing) So my plan is this. I go, well, Dan's the best guy. He's a karate master. He's the sensei. So I'm going to throw nine strikes in a row at him and he will casually block all of them. (audience laughing) But maybe one gets through, and that is my ticket to victory. I'm going to overwhelm him. I'm going to surprise him with my confidence and aggression. So that's what I do, dude. The ref's hand isn't even all the way down and I am attacking him like a maniac. (audience laughing) The first strike I throw at Dan? Big kick. Dan does not block it. (audience laughing) And in fact, chooses to absorb all of it into his stomach. (audience laughing) And he takes a step back doubles over and made a sound I've never heard since. (audience laughing) He sounded like a whale got the wind knocked out of it. He just went. (grunts) (audience laughing) And then from this position, he chose to lay on the ground. (audience laughing) So I'm standing there just like, caught Sensei Dan slipping. Nice, right? Got him. I'm looking at him on the ground and the ref walks up. And the ref goes, "don't look at him, "turn around." And I was like, what is happening? He goes, "turn around, "don't look at him. And I was like, I don't know what's happening. And he goes, "don't look at him, "turn around." And I was like, what? He's a Medusa? And I put my hand over my eyes. (audience laughing) The referee physically grabs me and turns me around. I was like, yo, dude are we fighting from behind right now? (audience laughing) What is happening? (audience laughing) So for those of you who are wondering what's happening, in point scoring karate, if you hurt your opponent or they fall down, in this rule set, you're supposed to know, oh, they fell down. And immediately turn around, and kneel, and look away, so that your opponent has space and time to regain their composure with dignity. (audience laughing) But what I did was kick my man in the stomach pretty hard, OK? And then he laid on the ground writhing. And I just looked at him like what now, Dan? (audience laughing) And the ref was like, "turn around." And I put my hand over my eyes. (audience laughing) Like his pants had popped off. (audience laughing) Now, it is fair to say at this point, they know I'm not a black belt, OK? So the ref turns me back around. And to Dan's credit, he's up and he wants to keep fighting. Dan is about that action. Now this is the worst thing that can happen to me. Because don't forget, nothing has broke my illusion that Dan is the best guy. I just think my strategy worked and I got him. But I didn't stop him. He wants to keep fighting. And now he's angry. (audience laughing) I have awoken the dragon that lives inside Sensei Dan. (audience laughing) He's going to super move me and I'm going to die. (audience laughing) Right? He's going to Hadoken me, or something? He's going to quarter circle forward B and it's over. (audience laughing) So I'm standing there and the guy's like, "are you ready to fight?" And I'm like, yeah. He goes, "Dan, are you "ready to fight?" Dan's like, yeah. And then he says, "fight." Before his hand is even down, I'm jumping the gun again. I'm jumping away from Dan as far as I can to the edge of the circle. I can't be on the attack twice? That's not how that works. I'm on the defense. I jump away from Dan the minute I can. Dan, I think, wanted revenge because he tried to kick me doing some Karate Kid jumping thing. But because I was already jumping away from him, his jumping kick whiffs completely and then he falls forward towards me foot forward and head down because don't forget, big on top, small on bottom. (audience laughing) All right? So now he's down. Bent down, head towards me, arms back like he's Naruto running, OK? (audience laughing) Now in point scoring karate, you are not allowed to punch someone in the head. So arms back, head towards me, that's fine. But I don't know that. (audience laughing) I see Dan's head lined up like a T-ball. (audience laughing) And I do what any of you would have done! (audience laughing) And I just like, United States of America. And I punched him in the head-- (audience laughing) --as hard as I could. (audience laughing) Dan's glasses explode off of his body. (audience laughing) And he goes to sleep. (audience laughing) He goes the whole way. I have knocked him out. I have starched Sensei Dan. (audience laughing) All right? He is fully out. I didn't even knock him out regular style. He got knocked out Looney Tunes style, OK? (audience laughing) You know when someone gets knocked out so hard they go rigid first like, I'm a tree. And then they go to sleep? (audience laughing) He was down like this and then he went straight up like a board, Wile E Coyote, and then he went down. (audience laughing) I distinctly remember looking at him on the ground being like, hmm, I killed Sensei Dan. (audience laughing) Interesting. So some lady yells right away. And she's like, "get away from him." Some guy is like, Dan, are you OK? And I'm just standing there like, "did I win or what?" (audience laughing) I don't know the rules. So you would think hundreds of people in this gym, right? Then I just knock Dan out. A lady is yelling at me. Every eye in this gym should be on me and Dan. But not one person is looking at us. No one in this gym is looking at us. Every eye, hundreds of people is looking directly at the bleachers. Where I realize, I left my gang member friends. (audience laughing) Who just watched me win a fight by knockout and they are losing their minds. (audience laughing) Dude, just full grown men with face tattoos surrounded by moms, screaming like they're powering up and Dragon Ball Z just (screaming) Losing it, dude. One of my friends is grabbing a child by his shirt like, you seeing this? (audience laughing) Someone jumped over the bleachers, walked onto the wrestling mats wearing his boots, took his shirt off, and was like, "who else wants the smoke?" (audience laughing) People were like, it's not a group thing. He was like, "it could be though!" (audience laughing) Dude, so one of my friends, in a random mom's face, WWE-style like, (grunts) (audience laughing) Bro, she's not a part of this. (audience laughing) What are you doing? (audience laughing) So I was banned from karate forever. (audience laughing) I was like, tough, but fair. (audience laughing) Right? That makes sense. (audience laughing) So I think I'll gather up my friends. And they're just-- I was like, "I'm banned." And they were like, is that our fault? "Team effort, that was all of us. (audience laughing) "This was a us thing, not a me thing." (audience laughing) All right. And honestly, can I be real with you guys? I think being banned from karate is cooler than having a black belt, OK? (audience laughing) Yeah. Yeah, that's right. (audience cheering) You are correct to cheer. (audience laughing)
