Bill Burr - Motherhood Isn't The Hardest Job

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Oh fantastic the other day I got into arguing with my girlfriend right she likes watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and I love to watch her watch The Oprah Show and then I wait for Oprah to say something that I don't agree with and then I take it out of my girlfriend cuz I'm an asshole Oh Oprah brings out this guest she gives her this huge intro she's been on this she's been on that and she does the most difficult job on the planet she's a mother so immediately I look at my girlfriend I'm like really being a mom is the most difficult job on the planet how many mothers died on Ice Road Truckers last season any moms get washed overboard on Deadliest Catch I'm not trying to be disrespectful but would you rather have as a job you want to scoop scallops off the bottom of the ocean catching that lobster trap to the back of your head what do you want to hang in the sunshine with a couple of Rugrats you'd send them to bed any time you want and some trumped-up charges because you want to have a drink and watch The Price is Right I don't know maybe I'm wrong maybe maybe this is the most difficult job I mean I thought roofing in the middle of July is a redhead you know I thought that that was a difficult job I really did I thought it was difficult but evidently evidently these mothers they're bending over at the waist putting DVDs into DVD players going to war pinned down by a sniper what a joke you have a Burpo baby and forget to put that towel up there there's another shirt you got a wash oh lift with your knees and put it in that machine that does it for you dude any job you can do in your pajamas is not difficult I'm sure it hell with these mothers watching cartoons taking naps look I'm messing around but you know come on I know it's a difficult job but the most difficult job in the whole planet remember when Saddam let the oil fields on fire and those poor bastards had to go put him out 4000 degrees walking in with your little asbestos shield just walking into flames you want to do that or watch Bob the Builder again let me be honest with yourself I got a dog recently I did I went down to the pound I got one of those free dogs yeah that's how I say it I don't say I rescued a dog I hate when people say that it's like totally obnoxious it's complete exaggeration she's a rescue yeah I rescued her really did you pull her out of a burning building did you jump in a river with your clothes still on with no concern for your own safety or did you just go down to the pound and get a free dog is that what you did stop acting like you had to take out a couple of guards crawling on your elbows using hand signals dude you ever go down to the pound that they just giving them away they don't even do a background check you want a man get out of here who's next you want a poodle come on you got a permit will be hilarious actually my girlfriend got the dog when I was when I was on the road I was on the road she got the dog classic girlfriend move right that's just a 10 to 15 year commitment why would you include me in that decision what would I need to know so we're skyping I thought you got one of those little shit dogs you know like a Yorkshire Terrier or something you could punch across the room if it got out of line right some you could take your day out on you know what I'm saying and so we're skyping ago let me see it so she pans around and I think I'm gonna see you know some little little chihuahua whatever the hell those dogs are I'm medially staring like this hellhound it's just massive dog and it looks I start freaking out I'm like is that a pitbull please tell me you didn't get a pitbull she's like it's not a pitbull it's a mixed mix with one another pitbull look at that thick like it's been doing pull-ups its entire life front paws were still taped up at shadowboxing he's got a teardrop tattoo what's a pitbull what more do you need to see oh it gets worse her and a friend actually didn't get it down at the pound they found it by the Los Angeles River yeah this thing was some real deal she said they're gonna was out there for 10 days don't you think that bad no it's scary cuz judging by its physique it got plenty of protein over the last week and a half wasn't eating nuts and berries all right it was choking out joggers it was twisting heads off of rabbits you brought a murderer into the house just rescue an alligator while you're at it stick it under the bed add to the excitement you know it's great though I fell in love with the dog absolutely love this dog and I'm totally sold on the breed and I know a lot of people don't like pit bulls cuz they ate a couple of kids I understand that I'm telling you owe it to yourself at some point your life to walk down the street with a pit bull you got to do it it's tremendous get out of the way three four blocks away they see me coming they immediately start crossing the street I love it I feel like a king I don't know why black people complain about that I love having the whole side of street to myself it's yeah black people have no idea how difficult it is as a white man to have to walk down the street every half a block have frivolous conversations about the weather I'm mad thinking it's gonna rank why why do we have to have this conversation no it's tremendous I like the respect look at me my whole life I've looked like Ron Howard you realize that my whole life I've been mugged repeatedly I've never had any street cred whatsoever the second they see this four-legged p90x body coming down the street that's it it's the best dog in the planet you got to get a pit ball I'm telling you man it's like a gun you can pet get two of them come down you just strapped all of a sudden there's no line at the ATM you let it sit the whole world opens up for you all right let's wrap this up here oh yeah I had lunch the other day uh I'm a big time conspiracy theorist I Drive my girlfriend nuts you know I think they're about ready to microchip all of us yeah they got this commercial down in the States you know you got that commercial up here for Duracell batteries they're selling batteries and the commercial is some woman can't find her kid in the park that's how they selling batteries they'll kind of wait is that the self batteries remember the old commercials they just show some guy in a rainstorm has a flat pulls out a flashlight oh thank god a Duracell casino why don't getting that was it now to show this woman she can't find her kid in the park she said they're gone Kevin Kenny hey has anybody seen Kevin sitting there freaking out that she pulls out this little device but the baby baby bit and here comes Kevin running out of the woods and they're like Duracell batteries it's like due to hell with the batteries what was that thing she just took out of her pocket but it Kevin no to come out of the woods he didn't have an antenna his sneakers weren't glowing what the hell is in Kevin that's connected to that device don't just show me that like that's normal uh yeah robot kid yeah let's go team mommy you guys were awesome thank you so much people say do you ever smoke marijuana I go I don't need another reason to be hungry like you ever seen a guy hit on a woman through a group of other people like not even bother walking up to her just like yells at her like hey you with the tits you guys move what's up I'm Greg like that guy

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Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 4,668,305

Rating: 4.873661 out of 5

Keywords: Just for Laughs, JFL, Stand Up Comedy, Stand up, Comedy, Comedian, Montreal, Stand up comedians, stand up comedian, youtube stand up, youtube comedy, bill burr, youtube bill burr, bill burr full, bill burr conan, bill burr tour, bill burr comedy, bill burr stand up, bill burr standup, stand up bill burr, comedy bill burr, bill burr youtube, comedian bill burr, bill burr comedian, Bill Burr Motherhood Isn't The Hardest Job, Bill Burr JFL, Bill Burr Motherhood, Bill Burr Oprah

Id: 4Xp4z5qlyqs

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 8min 21sec (501 seconds)

Published: Mon May 30 2016

Reddit Comments

OMG, I've never seen that "Robot kids must go see mommy" bit before. Too funny, wish he would've expanded on that a little