Tom Segura: “Tremendously Impressive Bulge” - Full Special

Comedy Central presents Tom Segura yes now I agree I totally agree totally it's great to be here in New York um yeah let's relax I was just in Atlantic City and I don't know if you're familiar with Atlantic City but if you hate yourself and your family and your friends take them to Atlantic City it's basically like if Las Vegas had diarrhea but then when you went to wipe it you didn't use toilet paper you just found like old cups and torn up shoes and other things you find in a dumpster and then you were to throw it down and then it grew lights that would be Atlantic City every guy's like hey you know Tony he said you might want to go over to the thing and you know and you're like first of all why don't you put on a shirt all right like let's start there and then every girl either has blonde hair with black streaks or black hair with blonde streaks which either way says I don't have a gag reflex yeah all right but you know what Atlantic City does have a lot of casinos yeah oh boy what a treat that is I love casinos because casinos are one of the last venues where you can see the extremes of society in one place where else can you get that rehab the zoo casinos go to a casino you can see a man on the casino floor he's in a suit he's drinking Scotch he's putting a few thousand dollars down on a hand and you're like yeah dude I can see why you're here you know how to live and then right next to him you see another guy and he's wearing jean shorts and a sleeveless shirt and he's got four open wounds on his face and you're like yeah I can see why you're here too you seem lucky on my flight on the way out here I'm flying and the pilot comes over the PA and he goes uh hey he doesn't say hey Pilots don't usually start their announcement with hey hey I'm up front what do you think of that he just he starts I don't know how they start he just starts he's like I'm the pilot and we're all like I totally believe you yeah and then he goes uh we made up some time in the air so we're gonna be early but then I just talked to the airport and is congested so we're going to be in a holding pattern and now we're going to be late and everybody's like why the hell did you tell us that man like keep that to yourself you know but then you accept it right I mean I did the guy sitting next to me he did not accept it he turns to me and he goes just land the plane and I go where like the place that takes planes is full do you want to land in a field right now and he gets like more aggressive he's like you just lay on the plane and I was like dude you can't you can't just be like well we're coming so move here we come but that's what's so great about being a pilot their knowledge is so specific you can't question them you know like that pilot I'm sure was telling the truth I'm sure that the airport was probably full but he could have been trying to get a job from a flight attendant been like hey why don't you suck it and then she's like well we gotta land the plane he's like I'll just tell him the airport's full they're total idiots and that's why I want to be a pilot now [Applause] one of the things I love about being in a big city is that you get to experience the full spectrum of gay you know what I mean like most places you go to the Midwest or something you're like hey do you have any gay people here and they'll be like you mean that guy that wears pink and likes fruit and you're like no there's way more than that like just today I saw business gay artsy gay dungeon gay and my all-time favorite gym rat game I've seen him he's a bizarre hybrid of skinny and muscular he has the legs of a flamingo and the chest of a lumberjack it's like he's grown muscles to fight his gayness and at the half the score is tied I like ballroom dancing and I can bench 365. whoa which side's gonna win I'll tell you gay Gay's gonna win speaking of gay I did something gay the other day now when I say gay I don't mean like lame like when people go that movie was gay and you're like why and they're like because there were only three explosions that was gay that's not what I mean I mean like that movie was gay why because there were all these naked guys and they kept having sex with other naked guys that kind of game so I go to the grocery store and I put all my items on the belt and then I take the divider thing to like keep your stuff away from my stuff right and yeah I don't want our stuff touching so like I'm waiting a while so I'm frustrated right so when it's my turn I turn to the guy behind me and I'm like what's up I'm next like I don't say it but he knows what time it is right so [Applause] right before I turn away from him I notice out of the corner of my eye that this guy has this really I mean tremendously impressive bulge in his pants right now let's get something out of the way there are a lot of fake bulges out there okay a lot of European guys especially Italian Guys they will wear like really tight underwear and then really tight jeans but that's like putting your in a headlock that's not like a real bulge okay the guy I was standing next to he had a bulge over here like that yeah so naturally I was like oh my God like this thing looked like it had its own feeding schedule and health care plan okay so anyways I'm staring lovingly at his gift all right and then I start to hear 33.62 33 62. sir your total is 33.62. and I'm like oh no I'm supposed to pay right now but everybody sees me staring at this guy's so I have to come up with a game plan of how to get out of it you know how to make it look like I'm not doing exactly what I'm doing so I decide I'll just make it look like I'm lost in thought you know because you can look anywhere and be thinking like wait so that's my plan so I just turned from him I just quickly turned to the cashier and I go oh I'm sorry I just can't remember if I was supposed to get orange juice and then she goes well why don't you ask his watching television and I saw this show called how winning the lottery changes your life yeah which just the existence of that show means there are enough people that go I don't know what happens when you win the lottery if you could please create a moving Picture Show so I could wrap my head around it I'll tune in every week really I've never won the lottery I have a pretty good idea what happens you have a lot more now end of show everybody on the show is boring okay except for the guy that won the biggest lottery ever 350 million dollars mm-hmm and he takes pride in the fact that he's never changed like he still goes to work every day he still drives the same car and he still doesn't have any teeth what yeah now I don't know about you guys but if I had 350 million dollars I'd be buying other people teeth all right I just walked down the streets and be like hey smile want some teeth it's on me speaking as a guy with a full set of chompers I can tell you that having teeth is totally awesome and if you only have fifteen dollars you should use that money as a down payment for teeth not only will you get to enjoy all the Cuisines of the world but you also won't look like well like you don't have any teeth get some teeth can we park at teeth for a second seriously I'm meeting people all the time now that don't have any teeth what is going on in your head where you think it's okay to walk around all mushy mouth you know just foreign dude get it together that is not okay I can only imagine what your balls look like if the part everybody sees you don't care about here's what you need to do if you don't have teeth okay get some friends get some friends have them lend you money if any of my friends were like hey Tom can I borrow fifty dollars I'd be like well what do you need fifty dollars for well I don't know if you notice but when I talk I don't have any teeth in my mouth I'd be like you know what I did notice that here's a hundred dollars you don't have to pay me back [Applause] luckily for me there was another show on after that lottery show this one was called I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant [Applause] I saw that show and I was like I didn't know your vagina was Yankee Stadium exactly how many people need to be in there before you realize somebody's in there you know [Applause] like the show if you haven't seen it's not like oh I missed my period turns out I'm six weeks pregnant that's not the show the show is oh I missed my period hey what's that that's a baby coming out of me now here's something you should know about the show every woman on the show is Mexican okay they're all Mexican so you know this isn't the first time that they've been pregnant seriously we're gonna play that game right now Mexicans don't have babies I guess black guys raise their kids and Puerto Ricans won't stab you in broad daylight okay cool [Applause] what game are we playing right now the real world isn't real game you want to play that game well here's my question for all the Senoritas they don't know there's a baby inside of you [Applause] did you forget all the symptoms you put on 60 pounds you think that's from all the churros that you've been eating you have a bubble belly swollen feet what about the kicking right ladies the kicking wouldn't that give it a hey put your hand right here what's that feel like to you uh it feels like you have a baby inside of you no I just got a fart I gotta fart real bad and then they get to the question that you're dying to ask which is well when did you know you were pregnant and they all answer the same way I was walking around and I was like whoa I gotta take but then when I went to it wasn't a it was a baby so you're like okay Hemingway I see what you're saying but it does beg the question if what you thought was gonna be a turns out to be a baby what kinds of are you normally taking like I'm a big dude I've taken some mean dumps in my life I've never had a seven pound five ounce if I did I would reevaluate everything in my life physically psychologically spiritually I'm making changes and so should you Marisol [Applause] I think in life you can only really comment on things you've experienced you know what I mean like if I tell you you got to go eat at this restaurant it's great and you go there and you're like it was horrible I can't really argue with you because you had your own experience that's why I feel totally comfortable telling you that I don't like midgets at all I don't like them because they're always in a bad mood I don't know if it's the drinking or just being down there but they're always and about they're always with them which I find kind of bizarre because they walk like there's a really happy song playing in their heads you know [Applause] so usually when I see a I'm like oh maybe he'll juggle he won't he's not going to do anything cool at all I was doing this show and I did some jokes and everybody likes jokes right right no wrong midgets don't like jokes but I didn't know there was a in the audience because I don't have eyes on my hips okay so [Applause] I did the I did the jokes did the show I finished I go to talk to the bartender I'm facing away I'm talking the bartender like this and a comes up behind me or I think it's a because I can feel like here and here and here so I'm like all right there's a behind me and he's very upset right now so I start to back up he's like man I'm like spit it out and he goes you know you shouldn't say you shouldn't say you should say little people you shouldn't say and I'm like why not and he goes because Saiyan is like saying and I was like whoa first of all we're both White and if somebody hears you I'm not protecting you secondly it's not the same thing because our ancestors didn't own midgets all right not unless they won some crazy high-stakes poker game that was like I'm going all in plus the court jesters now I wish they did I wish my parents were like Tom you're great great great great grandfather he owned like 40 midgets I would be like no way you still get them and if we did I would take my midgets and I would put little bowls on their heads and I would fill them with different types of dip and salsa and I would have them walk around so I could scoop out whatever I felt like eating hey want some hummus get your little ass over here [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 947,399

Keywords: Tom Segura: “Tremendously Impressive Bulge” - Full Special, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, special, funny, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up, best comedians, Tom Segura, Tom Segura stand up, Las Vegas, Atlantic City, the lottery, winning the lottery jokes, reality tv, reality shows, tom segura, tom segura stand up, tom segura slam dunk, tom segura steven seagal, tom segura garth brooks, tom segura mom fart

Id: gDZRH_U4LxA

Length: 21min 12sec (1272 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 15 2023