Bill Burr's Guide to Driving Etiquette: Season 1 Compilation

i always want to pull over and just pick up all this [ __ ] litter kind of a [ __ ] [ __ ] does that kind of person that rides a bicycle out on the street that's who does it i already have like a huge temper and i'm trying to learn how to control it and driving on these streets out here like makes me lose my [ __ ] again you know people always say with your anger is when you have expectations to other people but what can i say i'm a dreamer all right we're in hollywood right now nobody knows how to [ __ ] drive out here motorcycle i always look out for these guys but i do not care about people on bicycles in la it's not a tragedy if you die out here they're such [ __ ] [ __ ] they ride right out in the street right and they're always telling you share the road and they won't get the [ __ ] over get over you see me behind you i'm in a [ __ ] car get the [ __ ] over they always giving you the finger and [ __ ] acting like they're these [ __ ] angels right they never stop at stop signs they don't obey the rules of the road that's what the [ __ ] they're supposed to do and then they [ __ ] ride right out in the middle of the road like like you pulled up into their own bike race with their stupid [ __ ] tight outfits on like they're doing some sort of time trial that anybody gives a [ __ ] about i think when they frost the bicycle too like it was a [ __ ] tragedy it was inevitable you're on a motorcycle without a [ __ ] engine driving out in traffic where people are texting gee what could go wrong so just [ __ ] sneak over i'll go over the double line a little bit i'll get around you you won't get hit nobody has to frost the [ __ ] bicycle okay look at this see this this person coming up on the scooter look what i do look what i do i get over go ahead go live your dream go find love [Laughter] look at this [ __ ] [ __ ] get out of the [ __ ] road look at this she's pretty though right you can't get mad but you know what funny if i hit her it's my fault you're on a [ __ ] scooter crossing four lanes of [ __ ] traffic who raised her right aren't you supposed to have a helmet on so if you're on a bicycle just [ __ ] edge over i don't want to hit you all right but the longer you stay out there it starts to feel like a good option i always lose my [ __ ] when i'm driving most of it's because i have a temper the other part is i don't leave enough time and then like the other like i don't know 40 percent of it is that people suck at driving i mean i don't think i'm the greatest driver but you know what i am considerate people walking in the crosswalk hustle oh they got there you always you know a woman goes by and she's got the heels on there you know what he's supposed to do can't run into tippy toes like walter payton did although walter payton ran on his tiptoes his whole [ __ ] career he never got a knee injury look at that guy tell me that guy didn't know where whitey bulger was all these years watch this guy watch this [ __ ] [ __ ] the one pedestrian out here right when i want to make a left look at this [ __ ] guy on his phone walking as slow as you can slow as you can i always jog in the crosswalk all right i get across i do the wave now what's that guy he's got the rainbow boots oh yeah okay i thought those were pants he actually has a tan his pants his legs are the same color is he supposed to be the reno who's having 911 fun than this guy you know i think if every cop dressed that way and like there would be no more [ __ ] violence you know what i mean guy just come up sorry okay you're going a little fast i got how you doing sweetie pie [Laughter] you see him just giving the thumbs up to the fire department i [ __ ] love that guy [Applause] hands at ten and two checking my mirrors making sure everybody's where they need to be oh it's a one-way fuck-o i've done that oh it's somebody's mom god bless you god bless you mom you know what she [ __ ] up she realized it she backed up and then she waved this is classic look at this guy he's gonna have his ass in my [ __ ] lane then you beep at him and they don't understand why probably because they can't hear the thoughts in my head now watch this now i go to take a left i make sure i get my whole [ __ ] vehicle in the left lane so some other [ __ ] can pull up his okay here i am going to make a left right i'm getting the [ __ ] out there i want that guy in the blue car to make it watch i'm going to do this i'm going to do this right now at least the other guy he's going to make it i actually do this actually look in my rear view mirror to see if he may as i don't look where i'm going there you go just open the [ __ ] door don't look you [ __ ] [ __ ] idiot if i took his door off that's my fault [Music] everybody should just be banging a [ __ ] right on red up here keep it moving something somebody do [ __ ] something you know what it is there's no teamwork out here everybody's like just out here for themselves you're on a bicycle i get it that's one less car on the road good for you i'm behind you get the [ __ ] over you're the first guy to make a left get out there so the other two people behind you can [ __ ] make the light will you get out of my [ __ ] lane you [ __ ] idiot texting of course texting texting texting why do i yell he can't hear me because you guys watch me lose my [ __ ] [ __ ] here hopefully i'm gonna say something and it's gonna make some of you oh i do that maybe i won't do that anymore and then i won't be such a psycho is that what i'm trying i don't know what i'm trying to do here so where i want to be is about a block and a half away and this is going to take me every bit of like 17 minutes to get there i mean we've literally been sitting here for like 20 [ __ ] lights somebody should be overturned and on fire up here for the level of [ __ ] traffic that's going on where are all of these [ __ ] people going like one of the advantages of being a stand-up comedian is that everybody's at work during the day and i should be able to just cruise around throwing [ __ ] rose petals out the goddamn window and how wide open it is it just never happens i work from home i started a business it's [ __ ] insane goddamn baby could crawl on the [ __ ] sidewalk and get there faster this really is stupid all right i gotta make a left here who's gonna let me in who's gonna how about you you're gonna let me in you're gonna let me in course not why would you let me in you could go another two feet let me in thank you thank you maybe i still do the wave even though you didn't [ __ ] let me in this is why i never want to leave my house i love my wife but she always does that [ __ ] like we should do something today today be a good day to do something you want to do something today and it's just like yeah i would love to if it wouldn't take four [ __ ] hours to get to the something and by the time i get there i want to kill myself i can't imagine living in like nebraska and they just hey you want to do something today and you just get in your car and you're driving you go [ __ ] do it half the homeless people out here just got sick of driving that's what it is just pulled over and just said the hell with it i i can't [ __ ] do this i just can't do it i don't give a [ __ ] i'm gonna find some other [ __ ] way how do i back this up how do i back it up oh there it is people hate me right now people hate me [Music] i like this person i like how this person is driving before it even turns green they're already pulling up they're ready to go i judge their parents on how they react to the light you should be like big daddy down garlands as soon as that tree turns green man you stand on it son go you [ __ ] go go not yet oh that would have been disastrous don't listen to me but he has on a sweater and a nice hat now that's a love story you can watch a woman underneath an overpass and she's still captivated by you every word that's a love story that actually warms my heart chances are go go go there you go good move good move good move all right now we're on the uh we're on the highway every place else in the world the further left you are on the highway the faster you're supposed to be going you're not supposed to pass on the right but every [ __ ] out here that's exactly what they do so when you're trying to get off you got to go like [ __ ] 90 miles an hour come on let me let me in this person you're going to let me in you douche you see my [ __ ] turn signal thank you even when they're a douche you still wave stops them from taking the gun out of their [ __ ] glove box now look at this [ __ ] [ __ ] giant green bus all the way over on the left what are you doing except slowing people down this is like the manson family bus what are you doing what are you doing oh he's trying to get over see that was my fault and i passed on the right i'm so full of [ __ ] ah that was bad and the guy was black so maybe he thought it was yelling something racist i mean the whole fan don't and i'm wearing like the [ __ ] like i feel like this is a classic racist white guy sweater you know what i mean you just look like you're ready to take a family photo and then you say like the most horrible thing ever hi welcome to the neighborhood i'll tell you they got to build that wall i got to build that [ __ ] wall man what do i do i get in front of the van you get in front of the van man you get in front of the van and watch this i cut in front of this [ __ ] guy but i do the wave thank you thank you look at this lady [ __ ] texting looking right down i thought she she's either trimming her [ __ ] pubes or she's texting and i'm watching her text so i'm part of the problem and i would say something but in today's climate i would probably get busted for some sort of harassment now here's the thing too when you're in this traffic follow you know safely behind but don't be that douche that leaves like 20 [ __ ] car lengths like you're trying to prove some philosophical point you know like hey man like if like 10 people get in front of me i mean i'll only get there nine seconds later so like where's the hassle that's when you wish you had like some sort of [ __ ] thing that you didn't care about on the front of your car whatever you call those things those things they had in tj hooker and you just slam into him repeatedly this is where you just start getting claustrophobic you just want to stop [ __ ] slamming into people get off of me all right can i get over can i get over please thank you sunday was when the traffic is really [ __ ] bad i fantasize about living on top of that hill right over there where there's no other houses and just having a zip line right to where i go to work right into my [ __ ] office of course i'd have to walk home right but getting to work would be awesome i hate seeing all this litter on the side of the road they ought to give you the opt out like what do you want to do you want to do jury duty or do you want to pick up litter you just have to do one on one little [ __ ] this [ __ ] look how depressing that is we're just throwing all this [ __ ] out there you clean it up christ you clean it up what kind of a [ __ ] animal just drives down the road and throws this [ __ ] out it's [ __ ] unbelievable how are you raised you know what's funny you're not really throwing your trash out properly are you you're just putting it and they're taking it away to throw it again outside someplace else that we don't have to see it right you throw it out where all the porpoises are out there in the ocean that's true i was actually looking up the history of garbage the other day it was this whole long article and i was just like this is too long for me to read this i was gonna change my behavior but now i'm not look at this some rich guy's building a [ __ ] skateboard ramp for his kid he's gonna have that giant truck pull right up and have illegal immigrants under the age of eight lifting all of that up there and you think that'll be reported of course not but you know what i mean matt lauer comes sashaying in with his junk out of his pants and all of a sudden that's the story i mean where's the justice having said that sexual predators need to be eradicated out of our society i just want to roll my window down and talk to these people and speak where are you going where the [ __ ] am i going i'm not going anywhere i'm driving around out here to talk about how bad the traffic is so i guess i'm worse [ __ ] rips is ribs usa still out here that little rib joint mcdonald's with spanish tile on top of it if you're gonna build a mcdonald's you have to make it look like the neighborhood you will adjust to us before you sell your poison thank you very much it's now right there get the [ __ ] out there that guy did nothing wrong it already turned yellow but you know whenever you go to make a left you want to try to make sure three people there's a person texting while they walk across the street should we legally be able to drive by open your door and hit him i think actually got no fight with this guy he's walking across the crosswalk and the arrow was green and this person didn't go and i was like what the [ __ ] and then they finally went and i tried to make the light and by then people were in the crosswalk thing and he was just this mexican dude he's like yo bro it says walk and i was like the light screen i could tell he was gonna do something in my truck and uh at the last second before he walked away he slapped my mirror or something like that and then i said all this steven seagal [ __ ] at him as he walked away as if i could beat the [ __ ] out of him with my [ __ ] up ribs messed up shoulder and my lack of quick twitch muscle fiber but you know when you're in your car you feel safe in and out burger there's always a line i think when you get a pedestrian mad enough to slap the mirror off the side of your car i mean that's usually a good indication that uh you know you're probably not interacting with your fellow man the way you should be firehouse subs you're like that's a great name huh just sounds like you're gonna get diarrhea there's a fire in my ass thanks for the subs would you like some peppers on that no i wouldn't firehouse subs that beautiful woman coming out of [ __ ] domino's pizza gorgeous look at that dog right there i don't care in the world i think he gives a [ __ ] about global warming does it somebody could write a great coffee table book about that about how to get into the mentality of a dog with its head out the window and there'd be enough [ __ ] morons out there that would buy it and literally start driving down the street like ace ventura hey like this lady there go ahead go ahead yes god bless you and your hat god bless you and your hat and your hand and your dog that's not safe that's not safe why have children have dogs right that's what bob barker used to say spay and neuter yourselves and have more cats and dogs now the hipster guy with his tight jeans he's never having kids that's why these millennials never you know they're not having kids the way other generations have it's not they're not trying i mean everybody's out there banging it's just when your jings are that tight it's just you know it's killing an entire generation dude there's like a ramen place every five feet i don't understand what people are so excited about [ __ ] ramen noodles for even if they taste good you want to sit around another 20 people making that noise [ __ ] hannibal lecter fava beans noise the entire time you got to get ramen noodles to go that's a to-go item or they should make you sit outside on a windy day when you eat it so no one has to listen to you slurping this [ __ ] up no matter how broke i was i never drove a car like that at some point you just got to take out the credit card and get the [ __ ] back bumper fixed you don't accept it the second you reattach the license plate you just accepted you that's like you put on some pounds and rather than eating a salad you buy the next size of pants right you just accepted the fact that you're slowly gonna become a fat [ __ ] you know these [ __ ] people with their bumpers and their [ __ ] bellies i've just had it there it is ribs usa i should probably shut the car off global warming you know i'm in indianapolis indiana home of uh the wine and ass indianapolis colts oh they cheated they took a [ __ ] hair out of the ball that's why we lost by 35 unbelievable this is what i love about jim irsay that bitching made a stick and he works right there hey jimmy he's probably still up from last night if you know what i mean anyways we're gonna be going over to uh the indianapolis motor speedway the indy 500. oh that's what indianapolis is home of the motor speedway this old woman smoking cigarettes is that a guy no it's a woman i love the midwest they haven't seen a surge in general support in their entire life they don't give a [ __ ] [ __ ] smoking cigarettes with some raw red meat in their front shirt pocket look at this coffee smiling i like indianapolis this guy's got a shovel always filling up the potholes man they got money out here huh you never see that in l.a oh i see what they're doing the indy 500's here so that's they're filling up the potholes they're making it look good all right so right now we're on our way to the indianapolis motor speedway home of the indianapolis 500 which is going to be going down this uh memorial day weekend what's amazing about this speedway is when you first see you cannot [ __ ] believe how big it is because you forget that it has to be big enough that people could be driving 200 miles an hour so we're going to meet one of the drivers who's going to take me out on the track i know who you think who's going to drive you around bill rick nears gordon john [ __ ] a.j foyt no none of those old coots half of them are probably dead the one and only danica patrick a lovely lady do you realize how legendary this place is i almost got the chills when i pulled in here holy [ __ ] this is awesome all right bill burr here i am indianapolis motor speedway with the legendary danica patrick gonna take a lap and i'm going to tell you right now i hate being in the passenger seat i'm definitely going to get freaked out do you get bored like after you do a race you don't drive yourself home do you like you know so you're just sitting and stuff and go traffic in like a subaru have you had like one of those ricky bobby sort of uh rivalries with any driver that even if you came in seventh as long as they came an atheist site actually in racing that uh tends to be a problem within teammates usually you have the most similar equipment as they do so it's the bigger test of talent i saw that with lewis hamilton and nico rosberg there you go and formula one it's very very hilarious this is it right here this is so iconic i can't believe i'm here right now you know what eric notice about you steely like calm cruising around here thank you and you're just like well you know you just stay here you stay along the wall i mean you're entering the corner at 230 235 miles an hour without lifting 235 miles it does sound pretty cool actually doesn't it how will you just ride right on somebody's ass like that just knowing the whole time that all someone has to do is just just clip you in the back and you're going to go flying into the wall you just don't think about it right yeah you're so focused like i'm going to get around this thoughts become things let's not uh let's not think about those things let's take this time and you just come up with that that's awesome i'm pretty sure i didn't come up with it but i'm pretty sure it's i'm pretty sure it's a saying but i want to use that with my wife it's true thoughts become things i don't want to go too fast but i was thinking i'd speed it up a little bit yeah let me get the experience i went here in 95 and 96. i used to watch this every year when i was growing up you know rick mears and yeah mario andretti see this is cool then you come up along the wall now this must feel like you're in like still in first gear well i mean the car rolls around and moves a lot you know compared to the other cars oh yeah i thought i was going to be nervous but you're like so like calm how long you been doing this uh this is my 27th um season of racing 27th and you're retiring right i am i think that's awesome thank you i'm so glad finally somebody's like excited about me retiring like it's beautiful your left is still in your prime like i don't know how it works with race car drivers you know with athletes like you know when you got to run around and stuff your body breaks down and then it kind of starts to get sad you're not as fast how do you age out of racing i think that you just don't care enough anymore and there's so much risk on the line that you start thinking about that part of it have you ever been driving like 200 miles an hour right on somebody's ass someone right behind you and you just start thinking about like going to the mall or something and you is that when you start thinking like i gotta get out of racing no like i wonder if they're gonna make another anchor man then you're like wait a minute i'm an indy 500 right now i hope they make another anchorman and bob anchorman like an all-time favorite of mine but i kind of pictured you as like the veronica corning stone like all these people well she was like yeah qualified when is your last race gonna be um may 27th sunday maybe oh this is it yeah it's in a few days oh my god this so this is like a legendary uh trip around we're on the track with you how many miles around is this two and a half two and a half miles around so it's uh 200 laps 500 miles do you have any idea what lap you're on after a while actually you get very confused sometimes there are parts in the race and you're like we're only on lap 35 or you're like holy crap how is it 40 to go you know like there are certain points in the race that go a lot faster than other points i can relate to that as a comedian this night you go on stage and you're thinking i must have done 50 minutes and you've only been up there for like 11 and but you somehow burned through most of your act oh that's a good one completely feeling my face getting pulled over here this is awesome i literally am going twice as fast in an indy car than this double the speed oh that's how cool is that now how do you how do you maintain your calm when you're leading at a place like this without thinking like don't blow this well i say to myself i mean you you just get very singularly focused you're thinking to yourself like you know how does the car feel how do i stay ahead of the balance how do i make sure that i don't you know the front stays hooked up and i don't let it get you know too much understeer too fast and then not be able to turn and then you know what are the other cars doing and you know looking in your mirrors you listen to your spotter you're hearing if anybody's off strategy you know you're kind of i understand it's got a lot going on some of that i understood well i think that's going to have to be our trigger fire that was awesome how fast were we going when you really were going because when we were doing 8 21 30 yeah i think this is a good player i can't believe i just got to do that that was so cool thank you so much yeah of course all right there you go legendary uh indianapolis motor speedway i want to thank danica patrick for not uh hitting the wall or anything like that it's my job steely calm i thought i was gonna be nervous i wasn't it was awesome none of those tourists over there care about me [Music] this is bill burr and i'm doing another one of these driving videos these how to how to drive a little more courteous people out there there's so much screaming and yelling on facebook wouldn't it be nice if it stopped when you got on the road i'm in uh i'm in indianapolis indiana home of uh home of this downtown area i mean who's kidding who the [ __ ] pacers never won anything did they they don't have a hockey team they don't have a baseball team oh would you shut up you [ __ ] no sorry me too i ended that was very strong it's very strong you'd interrupt me so rudely anyways there's a downtown area where you arrive at your destination on the right you just can't have this [ __ ] thing for some reason in downtown indianapolis we have enough lanes for like a highway this [ __ ] thing shut up the [ __ ] ate that navigation thing i can't stand it i remember back in the day you just you just you had a map was it i know i sound like an old guy but you could at least continue to listen to your song pour some sugar on me back then in the the late 80s it always comes on during the best part you know you're totally in your fantasy you're playing the guitar solo in front of everybody who did you wrong and they were like wow we were really wrong about him and then all of a sudden it's like make a left alright here we go this is counting down i had plenty of time to get through the caution light so then you know i make that guy be first and i lose the people behind us filming us it's tremendous anyway this guy's staring hard at me staring hard at me i hope he doesn't have any [ __ ] issues with cameras [ __ ] are you looking at good lord do they not have cameras out here they never filmed the [ __ ] episode of the real housewives of indianapolis you know with them putting their horseshoes on the bottom of those [ __ ] high heels oh that's that was me that was mean so anyways if you notice i just made a nice left turn there i used my turn signal and then i sped up a little bit so this guy behind me wouldn't get mad there's nothing wrong with somebody coming into your lane as long as you keep [ __ ] going it's that [ __ ] where you coming and then you step on the brakes like all right no not sure how to do this very patriotic license plates out here a lot of people out here indiana very proud to be americans if you know what i mean the clan is strong in this state it's all i'm saying once again there's just no traffic there's literally no traffic the second you put these cameras on the car everybody just takes off you saw what that how that guy was staring he saw you staring by the way don't do that when you're going up to an intersection well up here on the right is the uh the alexander it's a big thing to do with uh buildings and hotels now you do the ohio state thing you put the in front of it and then everybody's like oh [ __ ] this must be special it really isn't you know what you can never use when you're in a hotel you can never use a uh a face cloth ever unless you're wiping something up because like i'm convinced like like 40 loads a month are shot into those goddamn things you know i guess unless you're jerking off into one other than that i'd keep it away from your face yeah i'm just going to rename these videos bill cruises around while everybody stays in their own lane you know what i'm realizing i think i've i've just been a psycho and all this stuff i think that's happening every five seconds actually maybe happens once a drive you gotta love a good bus station you know there's sure there's a lot of degenerates down there but there's always like a jewel or something living in a locker getting ready to sing another hit song who will say the old fail whatever she used to say running another red light cruising on through there you go and the guy behind me made it our own film crew you want to speed up you want to make the flight you want to get through it i'm gonna ignore those people in the wheelchairs oh just gliding through the city as if there's no purpose for these videos look at me i got my hand on the wheel like this i'm leaning cutting over nine lanes nobody beeping at me i'll tell you one thing these people in indianapolis they [ __ ] work they get to work and that's it or they're still sleeping is this a speed trap what's the speed like 15 miles an hour oh it's so the guy can if he's painting the line he's got to do it himself he's got to push it ah that's adorable event in progress road closure shut the [ __ ] up this is alert she just said the road's closed that's not close look at this [ __ ] working out up there he's going he's doing burpees what is it with crossfit people that they can't just work out everybody's got to know you're working out it's like i work out i do it inside goes up to the top of the statue like he's in rocky [Music] all right so that was downtown indianapolis now you're supposed to get up to speed here before you get over the on-ramp is designed to get your speed up you know what i see people do on the highway never see that person that pulled over to stop and then they're sitting in the breakdown lane and they want to rejoin people driving 70 miles an hour and they put their blinker on and they just pull out you got to get your speed up get up to about 50 55 and then then you come over it's all common sense right it all makes sense to me look at that giant stupid lucas oil field stadium you know these poor people here they're still paying for uh they're still paying for the hoosier dump that cheating bastard i'll tell you one thing i would never be out here in indiana i'd never be a an uber driver i mean there's literally nobody here this level of people so this is like what this is what you dream about there's cruising all right this is getting a little weird it's just people walking down the middle of the street here we in the back woods now faster and turkey [ __ ] through a ten horn that [ __ ] rock if i thought a snake was under it none of these make sense you know living in la this this blows my mind i forgot how just how green it can be you know you ever flown across the country from east coast to the west coast it's like watching somebody's life you know it starts off all beautiful lush you know all the water that's like when you still get full head of hair it's all shiny in the middle of the country it kind of levels out that's when you get married you having kids just gonna do this i'm staying with you the rocky mountains those are when you get kidney stones then you get out to the southwest and it's just all [ __ ] get that first pain in your side right look at this perfect right near a graveyard it all just goes [ __ ] right back down again right into the ocean i i swear too much i got to clean up my act golly jakers i'm driving like a jerk face all right this thing's gonna be talking the whole time whatever we can leave her on i'll improvise with her hey what's going on it's bill burr and i'm talking over the robot lady on the map here and it's time for another one of my instructional driving videos here on the all things comedy network for those of you unfamiliar with these videos i have a tendency to lose my [ __ ] and evidently according to people who think that they're therapists they tell me it's because i have expectations of people what are you doing what are you doing are you coming over are you coming over go you [ __ ] [ __ ] nice move though that wasn't bad everybody's doing everything correctly out here this is like perfect thursday and i make another light this is [ __ ] i feel like i'm in the presidential caravan right now a couple of secret service guys you know hanging on to the side with their [ __ ] running board in the handle this is like perfect thursday and i make another light i don't know what this street is but this is my this is my most favorite [ __ ] street in los angeles i've literally not hit a [ __ ] red light there's nothing funnier than a red light okay now you step on the gas you blow through the light you make sure the guy behind you makes it he didn't because he's lollygagging but i'm thinking about him see i'm having empathy for other people here's another green light please turn left in 500 feet now how can i turn left here this says no left turn look at this thing it wants to make an illegal turn here well i guess i can make a u-turn can i do it right here we're gonna find out all right now what i just did there you're not supposed to do that unless you look both ways and you don't see a cop jesus [ __ ] christ this is what i feel like i'm on adam 12. it's like the population of l.a in the 1960s i feel like like a plague hit la and like everybody died right as we were putting these [ __ ] cameras up look at this everybody just behaving themselves staying in the correct lanes i don't think we need to make any more of these videos i think everybody's driving great now i didn't realize there was desolate areas of greater los angeles i feel like we found it all right i just made it right in the left lane right onto saturday street it's that okay wait am i the problem i think i'm the problem oh my goodness look at dude there's literally nobody on the [ __ ] road this is [ __ ] hilarious i've never had this driving experience ever in l.a this is like a feel-good movie today was everything worked out did i just [ __ ] that up i think i did i'm in the wrong goddamn lane all right now i'm going to show you something you're not supposed to do this is called the glide you sort of sashay over this is going to be a [ __ ] boston move right here and here we go and you can't get mad when somebody beeps at you when you do this what you do is you just kind of you just kind of you just kind of do this like hey i'm just sort of mirroring your movements and he didn't beep at me all right you see that kept a little distance there's only arrows there pointing which way i was supposed to be going i'm the worst well i don't think we learned a lot today other than what not to do the way i was driving people i don't pretend to know things and shouldn't you be at work right now instead of sitting in your cubicle secretly watching these things i don't even know what i did i just literally went for like one of the most pleasurable [ __ ] drives i've ever gone in la that was like a country road and i'm gonna take credit for that i think everybody's listening i think i'm changing lives with these videos all right well thank you for watching i hope it was educational i hope it was entertaining have a nice day and god bless the united states of america all right i'm showing this is the part of la you're never going to see this is up north in the valley oh another apartment building yeah because we need more people i'd love to be an old guy living in the valley someday you know just walking around my striped shirt just talked to the other old bitties down there at the coffee shop drinking again and thinking of when when you loved me i'm having a few i want a day drink roscoe boulevard okay this [ __ ] lunatic looking down at a goddamn phone i wish it was a [ __ ] sign or some [ __ ] you know i don't mind her cause she's kind of aggressive so they come up and they go to like bump into you this guy looking at us like he's gonna get discovered i swear to god there's something about the valley that just makes you like 2 3 in the afternoon you just want to go into into a bar you know meet some guy that did a guest star on like emergency i used to be on a show watch out i was on chips get the [ __ ] out of here what was eric estrada like oh he's a great guy so you know that guy right over there he should have made that [ __ ] left and he didn't make it then he turns his direction on that's a big la thing you wait until the light turns green and then you put your directional on you leave that person right up against your bumper this guy sells sandwiches and doughnuts just got a picture you got to pick a [ __ ] it's probably delicious right look at that piece of [ __ ] just these run down strip malls and it'll be like the greatest [ __ ] donut you ever had that was a nice u-turn that guy just made there i like that one you know he did it he got out of the way everything was fine this guy's having a [ __ ] cookout right here dude that is like next level homeless dude the valley is the place to be homeless so he's cleaning up after himself oh [ __ ] the adult con why are we driving in the opposite direction of that dude everybody watches porn but can you imagine he's showing up to that [ __ ] thing i'm a really big fan of your work just creeping them out oh my god could you have enough security at that thing oh [ __ ] see what i did there i just stopped so this guy could cut the corner to look out for the trucks that's another thing you got to watch out for is all these [ __ ] who cut in front of trucks when they you know they got all that weight behind them they can't stop what i love about the valley look at all those signs out there all these old school signs back when we thought we were going to like colonize the moon and [ __ ] you know us fitness mega center old school movie theater dude this is the [ __ ] i bet there's some really good places to eat out here and [ __ ] in and out burger without a line wow oh there's the light that ain't bad there's so no traffic i'm doing a bunch of [ __ ] you shouldn't be doing i'm looking at the drive through it [ __ ] in and out how does burger king survive this close to an in and out there's nobody in there there's a whole bunch of nothing right [ __ ] there that when you get a kid people buy it buy you a big [ __ ] pink teddy bear jesus you see that lady in the terry bradshaw sure with the fishnets maybe she's some of the talent there at the spearmint rhino jesus have you ever seen so many sun damaged people in your life you get [ __ ] get out here man this is the desert if i lived here i would sweep up all of that [ __ ] trash just for my own [ __ ] well-being look at that was that the original walmart where the [ __ ] are we dude the valley is the [ __ ] it's the place to be i wonder what a house costs out here you

Channel: All Things Comedy

Views: 2,439,394

Keywords: ATC, ALL THINGS COMEDY, bill burr, al madrigal, podcast, atc podcast, all things comedy podcast, comp, compilation, bill burr podcast, stand up, monday morning podcast, stand up comedy, comedian, bill burr 2017, mmp, stand up comedian, bill burr 2018, f is for family, driving, car driving, how to drive, etiquette, road rules, traffic, driving tips, learn to drive, angry people, road rage 2017, drivers, bad drivers, road rage usa, driver, instant karma, california

Id: 5i6u89G1aFM

Length: 39min 44sec (2384 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 29 2018