Bill Burr - What Separates Me From Psychos

been in a bad mood all day man got a fight with this girl the other day you ever meet somebody like within like the first couple of minutes of them meeting you they feel like they can like sum you up just like you know what your problem is you know you just have like their urge just to take their head and just mush it into whatever they're eating you know you have crazy thoughts like that can you relate on any level you never have like urges you ever drive down the street and see like 30 people up on the sidewalk and you just think all right you don't do it you just think it that's what separates the psychos from the functioning psychos yes psychos they just do it alright that's a good idea to get the wipers going they make a day out of it right but a rational person you you like think it through you stuck on you man if I just leave my hand right here nobody knows who I am I move it two degrees over here I'm gonna cover our Newsweek I'm instantly famous right here no one knows me like hey Bill you want to go to the cookout maybe you can bring that potato salad you brought last year is such a big hit one of the most horrific scenes we've seen in years bodies just strewn about you know Amy's gonna be there she's still asking for you you should ask her out no indication even tried to stop seriously you're getting older put your hands on the dashboard no I have that stuff all the time I do my girl took me to a street fair recently right you guys have street fairs out here you know they close off the block there's like shwarma there's like stuff made out of buttons right people's no tithi making key chains right it's a typical girlfriend idea it sucks and it's gonna take all Saturday right she's all excited she's like swingin Miami guys this is gonna be great I'm like praying for lightning maybe some like scaffolding to fall down on me you know no we show up right the first thing she sees is this big table nothing but homemade jewelry right homemade jewelry it's got twigs macaroni in it it's just it's a table of crap it's crap the whole thing is crap but she loves it she's like oh my god look at these earrings do you like these do you think these are nice I just want to be like no they were nicely they'd be in a store all right there'd be a roof some sort of structure would be built around this this is crap this is just a table of crap the guy is even wearing shoes that's a good indication that this is crap but I don't want to ruin a day so my dad go ahead check it up I'm gonna go get some air even though we're outside I think there's more air to be had right so I walked like three floor tables away and I come up to this lady she got this big table on nothing but muffins muffins writes like 85 degrees out she's selling muffins and she's got this big stupid look at the muffins I made look in her face and the second I saw that that part of my brain was just like dude what would happen if you just walked up and just said hey lady these your muffins oh yeah and I just started going plan plan plan plan plan what like how many of these muffins could I mush before anybody did anything I mean realistically I think I could have got the whole table cuz even if you saw me doing that it would take at least five to six seconds to process like did they say could do that it is it like a game to eat the muffin off your face that just seems like a waste of pastry you know there's no security at a street fair there's no bouncer staying there he's pushing the muffins okay I'm on it sir we're gonna have to ask you to leave they just choked me out so I just started thinking of the horrified look on this lady's face as I started slamming these muffins and out of nowhere I just started laughing like a maniac yeah I'm like slumped over this fried dough card I'm dying my girl looks to me she's like what the hell are you laughing at and like an idiot I actually tried to explain this screwed-up thought to her I swear to god I'm just sitting like I was just thinking what if I started punching the muffins you don't I mean I just started punching just looking at me like why do I go out with you but I swear to God if I never broke eye contact the second I started hitting those muffins that lady she wouldn't even been able to call for help I would have been in her head she'd be like that I go to high school with this guy why would you do that muffins are a happy food I don't understand it no I got to learn to I gotta learn to let stuff go I do I got issues I do my neighbor got her got her dog fixed got this dog neutered brand-new dog puppy got the thing neuter and I'm like what the hell what the hell'd you do that for she's like well you know if I didn't do that he was gonna hook up with another dog then they're gonna make more dogs and what are we gonna do with all these dogs it's like we should just let him go they're animals they'll be fine I think that's what every city needs just a nice pack of wild dogs just running down the street can help with the obesity problem just chase people in the cars after they some big meal you know just a nice pack of Rottweiler just running down the street listen I'm out of time you guys were awesome thank you so much a movie Anglin and pee boys talk to me Greg why'd you move in England and I'll tell you why ladies and gentlemen a very simple reason why I moved to England I like to go to a country where I am considered the best looking person ladies and gentlemen it's as simple as that don't tell me you haven't drank too much on a Saturday night and woke up on Sunday and thought wow I'm really hungry but I don't feel like human

Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 6,684,867

Keywords: Just for Laughs, JFL, Stand Up Comedy, Stand-up, Stand up, Comedy, Funny, Montreal, Bill Burr, Breaking Bad, Date Night, The Heat, burr, funny, comedian, bill burr, bill burr podcast, bill burr wife, youtube bill burr, bill burr full, bill burr conan, bill burr tour, bill burr comedy, bill burr interview, brunch, the brunch, bill burr stand up, bill burr standup, stand up bill burr, standup bill burr, comedy bill burr, Bill Burr - What Separates Me From Psychos, Bill burr JFL

Id: LAx_3rFEZDM

Length: 6min 30sec (390 seconds)

Published: Fri May 01 2015