Dave Chappelle - For What It's Worth (San Francisco 2004)

why do you pick san francisco to shoot your special this is one of the best towns to ever do comedy and this is the most historic venue you got as far as comedians are concerned because lenny bruce ripped it down here the best came through the bay what about richard what about uh robin williams carlin mooney you don't necessarily have to be the biggest star as long as you come with it and people coming out they like to see live performances because it's a savvy audience the stage oh man oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] yes bring it on bring it yes thank you thank you all thank you for coming god damn i did it big this year from cable [ __ ] goddamn thanks for coming out and thanks for making the [ __ ] feel comfortable in the gayest place on earth you guys got disney world jealous out this [ __ ] man i didn't really think it was that gay at first i was like what does everybody cause when i was coming out here i was like man that place is really gay so what the [ __ ] is everybody talking about it's not so gay and then i i wandered into that castro god damn i said this is america's anus right here this is this [ __ ] is deep went to that tenderloin it was nothing tender about that [ __ ] at all that [ __ ] was rough the opposite of tender i have never seen crack smoke so casually before these [ __ ] was sitting in front of starbucks smoking crack and drinking coffee i said this is off the hook talking about politics i seen one crack here trying to break into somebody's car man and it struck a chord with me i tried to stop him i said hey and he looked back and saw me and said oh keep an eye out so [ __ ] that was me that said that i'm trying to help you i want this [ __ ] to stop crackheads are like that i had a crackhead break my car window one time broke it you know he stole a [ __ ] candy bar i had lying on the seat that's all he took it's a goddamn candy bar i was so mad i drove around the neighborhood for five hours looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face i did that i finally found when i grabbed that [ __ ] hey man what's all this chocolate on your face [ __ ] people confused chocolate this is doo doo baby i said ah oh man this place is insane but you know what i like about san fran and the reason i picked this city to do my specials because of all the major cities in america somehow people get along here better than anywhere else i've seen in the country that's right that's right and i always admire saying fran for that and today i've realized how you did it put all the [ __ ] on the other side of that bridge there's nothing that she ain't happy on that side you leave san francisco like bye thanks for coming to san francisco come back in april we're having a sale on birkenstocks as soon as we get to the other side welcome to oakland [ __ ] it's [ __ ] crazy but it also feels like it's the east coast city in the west coast you guys got subways and [ __ ] i'm scared of public transportation i was on a bus that was held hostage 45 minutes it wasn't life-threatening i don't want to give you that impression it was a dude jerking off but the [ __ ] was scary son it was scary cause right before it happened i was on the bus smoking a cigarette it's a long story that's not the coolest [ __ ] i ever did and people freaked out sir sir put that goddamn cigarette out okay this is everybody's heir sir i flicked it i didn't want any trouble and just at that moment coincidentally this homeless dude out of nowhere pulls his dick out started beating off and i was furious because nobody said [ __ ] to this guy they were just looking like i was the only one on the bus that had the balls to say anything to him and it's not even like i was brave really it was that you know i was sitting next to the [ __ ] i had to say something come on dog you hitting my elbows stop son just stop that's all i said i was i didn't want to say too much guys beating off on the bus means there's something wrong with this [ __ ] he's not wrapped so tight i didn't want to push him over the edge as soon as i said something all these dummies on the bus now they're brave he's right put your goddamn [ __ ] away i don't want to see this anymore i didn't want to see it either yeah not a guy flips out all right everybody back up back the [ __ ] up i tried to be nice about this now everybody freaks out oh my god it's a biological attack oh i'm caught in the middle i can't lose my cool i said hey everybody just calm the [ __ ] down and you'll get me shot it's all just be cool let's do what this man says so he'll leave us alone now everybody gets quiet that's better that is better and then he started walking up and down the house he was terrorizing us and then he starts making demands you and the pink shirt squeeze your tits together oh god no no you stick your finger in your butt why oh god why is this happening oh god oh god he was working my way [ __ ] was tight just that minute i got saved dudes i was so lucky this guy the other in the bus he snapped he lost his mind i've seen it happen he screamed out rashem he can't come on all of us in charge of the app and there's like a movie this homeless dude seen him coming and shot one off ah i dodged that [ __ ] like the matrix the guy behind me wasn't so lucky yo no actually it was gross it didn't kill him but it was i'm sure that [ __ ] this day up you're not going to have normal day if the homeless dude busting none on your forehead and 8 30 in the morning that's a wrap on the rest of the day ah this guy was freaking out it burns everyone's standing around looking at them even homes do feel bad i guess he was finished he came back to his senses oh this is my stop i said relax [ __ ] i had to say some racks oh okay i gotta eat i know it i said you can't get aids from a homeless dude busting a night on your forehead that's not how it spreads i don't even know if that's just true that's just what i told him man he was so scared i had to say something i don't know where aids comes from who the [ __ ] knows scientists don't even know scientists still say aids started cause somebody had sex with a monkey word after all this research is the best explanation that you came up with nobody [ __ ] monkeys and people you idiot you either [ __ ] monkeys or you [ __ ] people that's it there's no in between you're not gonna get some monkey [ __ ] on tuesday and then be like oh let me call charlene on thursday no once you [ __ ] a monkey that's a firm decision i'm out of the human [ __ ] game for good it's ridiculous you act like monkeys just as open as waiting for people to [ __ ] man monkeys don't want to be [ __ ] by people think about it think how hard it would be to catch a monkey and [ __ ] it that's ridiculous that's how it had to go down who do you think you're just gonna walk up to him in the woods and grab this [ __ ] with the fruits and bananas hey buddy hey yeah there you go buddy yeah yeah here you go your big bright red ass this big bright red booty you know how strong a monkey is would rip your dick off like a celery stalk just throw that [ __ ] in the tall grass could never be seen again hey dog we gonna go to the club pick up some girls you trying to roll nah man i'm cool i'ma stay home though chill with my monkey you know how long it took me to train this monkey to suck my dick without peeling it last night chimp chimp jerked me off with his feet [ __ ] only a monkey can show you that kind of love and tenderness so y'all can keep [ __ ] these people if you want [ __ ] mo monkey [ __ ] for me hooking up with an orangutan next week that's all i [ __ ] chimps and orangutans know i feel real bad for us is indians everybody feels bad for indians they get dog they get dogged openly because everybody thinks they're dead these [ __ ] are not all dead all right i've seen with my own eyes i've seen a gathering of 1500 native americans they were all gathered in one place the place is called walmart in new mexico because indians ever i've never seen indians before i wasn't even sure if they were indians i was [ __ ] up but i asked one of them that's not nice but i seen him in the sports section looking at bows and arrows i had to say something excuse me i i don't mean to be rude um are you an indian and he was cool yes yes i'm indian still didn't believe him i had to test him to be sure this was [ __ ] up but i had a gum wrapper in my pocket so i bawled that [ __ ] up and i threw it on the floor and a single tear came out his eye said oh [ __ ] i had so many questions what trap are you from i am a navajo i said word i studied you in social studies you're a hunter-gatherer correct he said i guess so that's what you wish to call it i said wow what do you call it he said i am an alcoholic i said well what's your name dawg he said please dog is my cousin that's a good guess my name is running coyote what is your name friend and that [ __ ] caught me off guard i mean i didn't want to say my name was dave to a [ __ ] named running coyote this don't feel good enough he just put me on the spot i said huh my name what oh my name's uh blackfeet then i change the subject forget about me what's going on with you i want to meet your chief why don't me you and your chief and your friends get together tonight we could have a real live peace pipe smoking ritual we need to celebrate [ __ ] i thought you were dead and he set it up it was beautiful it was just like our dream was all sitting around indians was beating the drums some other indians came out the back with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in in front of us open that [ __ ] up and on the blanket was a long wooden pike with feathers and bags of weed were all over the blanket chief walked over the big ones are 50. the little ones are 25 and these are 10. me and those indians got high as [ __ ] i was back i told the chief he was talking i cut him off timeout chief sorry to interrupt [ __ ] smash man the weeds too strong i'm itching this is pcp the spirits have got me chief the spirits have got me and the chief threw some water in my face calm down blackface splash i said hey it's black feet [ __ ] take it easy blackfeet you're welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night until the spirits leave you and they gave me my own tp to sleep in which sounds nice i personally felt like it was a little [ __ ] up you know because they all had houses man it's like why can't i sleep with y'all in the house and watch tv the guy can't be on this grass all night the indians is rude man everybody's rude indians they eat nasty food all they ate was corn and [ __ ] doritos i think they called it that's right people only see the surface they see the division in our foods it's because i eat chicken and watermelon they think that that's something wrong with me let me tell you something if you don't like chicken or watermelon something is wrong with you [ __ ] there's something wrong with you where are all these people that don't like chicken and watermelon sick of hearing about how bad it is it's great i'm waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial [ __ ] i will i'll do it for free chicken least i can do they make fun of latin people for eating uh what y'all eat beans rice corn listen that's not a reason to hate a [ __ ] all right it's funny but it's not a reason to hate the only reason these things are even an issue is because nobody knows what white people eat you've been very good at keeping that [ __ ] a secret amongst yourselves study white people you don't know that i'm writing a paper on you not even for school [ __ ] just to do it just gets doing independent research i'm spending my money that's why i'm working so hard i follow you around grocery stores they freak out i just try to peek in the car they always seem get away from my car [ __ ] what are you looking at chicken and giblets are over there you must be lost these are vegetables i know what you drink see how quiet it got grape juice surprise [ __ ] he didn't know i knew about grape juice did you oh don't play dumb with me look at what a lot of black people don't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice because they have great drink it's not the same formula that you get ain't no vitamins in that [ __ ] you might have one of your black friends over todd todd would you care for a glass of grape juice [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is juice i want some grape drink baby oh it's purple i don't think i know what a grape drink is what i have some apple juice if you want what the [ __ ] is juice i want some apple drink scream remember that commercial for sunny delight when all the kids run in from outside playing they all run to the fridge all right i got some purple stuff some sunny d as soon as they say sunny day all the kids go yeah watch the black kid in the back if you ever see that commercial again look at that black kid he'd be like i want that purple stuff that's drink [ __ ] that is drink they want they want drink i want all them vitamins [ __ ] i wouldn't drink sugar water purple that's the ingredient sugar water and of course purple it's too [ __ ] much i got a lot of things to talk about tonight first of all i've stopped smoking weed with black people you didn't let me finish [ __ ] god damn i'm sorry black people to break the news so publicly but i can't smoke with you anymore every time i smoke weed with my black friends all you talk about is your trials and tribulations i'm sick of that [ __ ] i got my own problems think that's a waste of weed i'm smoking weed to run away from my problems not taking on yours now on i smoke weed exclusively with white people calm down [ __ ] you win by default you got good weed conversation all white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got hacked i could listen to that [ __ ] all night dude remember at frank's last week it's [ __ ] smashed man and catalogs everything they drink two shots of jaeger tequila four bong hits men beer cheeseburger that [ __ ] is great the only bad part is you cannot pass out around white people every time white dudes pass out around each other they always do some borderline gay [ __ ] when the guy's asleep frank fell asleep so we like stuck a carrot in his ass and put shaving cream on his balls like why [ __ ] why'd you do that to a friend of yours he trusted you enough to sleep around you're going to put a carrot in his ass is that nice i'll tell you right now if i put a carrot in a black dude that [ __ ] will kill you when he wakes up for some [ __ ] like that that is an automatic death sentence on the street it's a wrap for you i'm gonna kill that [ __ ] i thought y'all was friends baby what happened i i fell asleep at this house right we was drinking and i fell asleep at his house and and while i was sleeping right i'm just gonna kill that [ __ ] all right that's all you need to know [ __ ] carrots but everybody's getting along i see that [ __ ] i see it all around blacks and whites don't fight so much you know who don't have no beef with anybody's asian people i see how y'all be doing yeah i just lay in the cut i don't know all people asian people beef with is other asian people like if you call a korean guy chinese i've done this they will flip out hey what make you think of chinese i am korean i look chinese yes [ __ ] you do look chinese that's why i said it it's an accident look at the untrained eye you all look chinese to me it's a mistake i'm not trying to offend you some people say all black people look alike we don't get bent out of shape we normally just call those people police okay just learn to live with it that's all i can tell you everybody's afraid of police now scared the death of these police i am [ __ ] i got a police scanner first first money i got this the first [ __ ] i went out bought me a police can i just listen to these [ __ ] before i go out just to make sure everything's cool you hear [ __ ] on it calling all cars calling all cars be on the lookout for a black male between 4 7 and 6 8 staying in the crib tonight [ __ ] that gotta work on that alibi for a minute every black person needs an alibi i i do them impromptu joiners if i'm by myself i need out i'll just open up the windows in the apartment turn on lights on stop beating off right now look at me hey everybody look it's me they should pay i'm crazy i'm jerking over note the time [ __ ] it's 2 35 look at me i'm jerking off in the window 2 35 comedian day chappelle's june 10th no the time that [ __ ] could save my life officer david chappelle couldn't have done that i saw him in his window masturbating from 235 to 237 i'm certain of it he was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today's paper [ __ ] i need alibaba i can't be no celebrity this [ __ ] is just the worst i'm seeing it i can see why i see why stars are crazy man these [ __ ] i went to disney world with my kids which is a big deal for me i don't get to see my kids so much i do chappelle show 20 hours a day sleep for like half an hour raise my kids for 10 20 minutes and not go back to work now this particular day i got to hook up with the kids we went to disney world everybody at the park [ __ ] everybody hey hey rick james [ __ ] hey i'm rick james [ __ ] it's like hey man hey you mind not calling me a [ __ ] in front of my kids time out [ __ ] we take a day off even mickey mouse did it i said this is the most unprofessional [ __ ] i have ever seen in my life rick james [ __ ] oh i was fed up i caught that [ __ ] with the uppercut pop knocked his head clean off everybody was screaming oh my god oh my god mickey mouse is mexican i had a terrible time in disney world disney world is like a whole other country anyway they got their own currency that [ __ ] is ridiculous as soon as i check in the hotels welcome to disney world mr chappelle can we interest you in some disney dollars nah man i'm cool i can't buy weed and [ __ ] with disney dolls like i'm on vacation i like them greenbacks i like them green bay you know what i'm saying is it's the kind of money people spends people very particular about that i saw that it was one of the main stories from the war was the first big thing we did was they said now that iraq has been liberated we have managed to take saddam hussein's face off of the money and i'm not gonna lie when that press conference came off i was like choked up i was i was actually proud to be an american because that is a very subtle psychological nuance of oppression to have a dictator on your money and it's thoughtful to be able to take that [ __ ] off for the good will of another person right but then i thought well if you could do that for iraq what about our money man our money looked like baseball cards were slave owners on george washington is the worst of the worst yes i said it you mythologize this [ __ ] like he was the greatest dude man if i went back in time with a white person and we saw george washington walking in front of our time machine my white friend will probably be like oh my god dave look there's george washington he's the father of this great nation i'm gonna go shake his hand i'd be on the other side like run [ __ ] george washington and we'd both be right you like him because he wrote the declaration independence and all that [ __ ] we hold these truths to be self-evident all men are created equal go get me a sandwich [ __ ] i'll kill you liberty justice for all am i wrong am i wrong wait a minute did he not own slaves didn't he own slaves that's my it's all i'm saying i almost protested the war in the beginning almost until i saw what happened to them dixie chicks i said [ __ ] that if they'll do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces i don't want to hear that [ __ ] yeah man they would but i'm like for real why why you care so much with the dixie chicks say they're not like they political scientists and they just [ __ ] they can sing good you know what i mean stop worshiping celebrities so much just don't let's don't pay attention i remember right around september 11th uh ja rule was on mtv that's what they said we got y'all rule on the phone let's see what jaws thoughts are on this tragedy who gives a [ __ ] with john rule thanks for the time like this [ __ ] this is ridiculous i don't want to dance i'm scared to death i want some answers that ja rule might not have right now you think when bad [ __ ] happens to me i'll be in the crib like oh my god this is terrible cause nobody please find y'all rule get hold of this [ __ ] i can make sense of all this where is job have to meet y'all rule i don't even know why people listen to me i'll say anything nick i've done commercials for coke and pepsi i don't give a [ __ ] what comes out of my mouth i just say what it takes whatever it takes that's what i'm saying if you want to know the truth can't even taste the difference surprise all i know was pepsi paid me most recently so tastes better that's pretty much how the game goes i'm just being real man there's too much goo gogging over celebrities people don't know it was fake and what's real anymore that's why bill cosby got in trouble look what happened to bill cosby bill cosby says some real [ __ ] and the whole world freaked out on for what for having an opinion just because he was selling pudding pops for the last 40 years people forget that he's a [ __ ] from philly in the projects and he might say some real [ __ ] from time to time it's not that big of a deal i spoke at my old high school and i told them kids straight up if you guys are serious about making it out of this ghetto you got to focus you got to stop blaming white people for your problems and you've you've got to learn how to rap or play basketball or something that get your you are trapped either do that or sell crack that's your only option that's the only way i've ever seen it work you better get to entertaining these white people go on out there and be somebody i just hope they listen [ __ ] is ridiculous people worship television they worship this [ __ ] you know like if you watch a movie right say you're watching a movie and one character says another character say hey uh what's your number man what's the other character always say five five five five five five five you know why we gotta do that because stupid as people go to the movies and then go home and try to call the characters that they just saw hello is indiana jones here no [ __ ] he's fake it's not his number and to be honest this is the worst time in history to be a black celebrity [ __ ] they locking all our stars up it's hot right now for black celebrities i knew it was bad when colby got in trouble this is a wrap for us he's one of the most wholesome dudes we had locked them up and everything and kobe kept it together thank god he he held his game together because if he was cracking under pressure and getting like six points a game the whole l.a could have been like that [ __ ] is guilty kobe was playing his ass off he was playing like his freedom depended on that [ __ ] you see this [ __ ] them games this [ __ ] trying to beat that case on the court like the judge tuned the ball like play for your freedom if i could talk to copeland just relax you'll be fine man cause the public is still giving kobe the benefit of the doubt he's one of the few black celebrities that get that not because he's a celebrity more because you know the girls showed up with eight different semens to the investigation you can't do that that's seven too many that's a lot of semen man this [ __ ] got noah's ark in her panties i wish he's trying to recreate humanity or something she's a collector she got every unsolved mystery the answer might be in this girl's pain that's oj's other gloves in there bigfoot's footprint three csi reruns is in that [ __ ] the most diabolical draws ever [ __ ] being a celebrity this is not the time to be a black star they're locking all our stars up black celebrities is a witch hunt for us man god damn it it's all oj's fault ever since o.j got away white people have just been locking up our stars one by one it's true and it's all it's not even oj's fault it's our fault we celebrate it too openly when o.j got acquitted we should have been quiet about that [ __ ] as soon as they're not guilty oh in your face [ __ ] in your face it hurts doing it it hurts burns standing ooh welcome to my world [ __ ] all that [ __ ] white people wanted oj's ass bad city la spent over 12 million dollars just trying that [ __ ] and the look on white people's face when he was acquitted priceless priceless and that's why i don't trip off being a celebrity i don't like it i don't trust it cause one minute they all love you the next thing you know you're in front of that courthouse dancing on top of a car just trying to figure out what the [ __ ] happened to you that's what i'm waiting for cause the timing of this michael jackson [ __ ] is what makes me doubt it every time this war is going out of control the economy gets bad or something is wrong with the world at large it's always these moments in history that michael jackson will coincidentally jerk awful kid this is getting ridiculous like are you planning this [ __ ] do you have meetings michael thank you for coming as you know michael the war has not been going as well as we expected there's been a lot of hiccups and the public is asking us a lot of questions of course and well michael there's no nice way to say this and all i know how to do is be direct so let me just be direct we're gonna need you to jerk off another child mike i'm sorry i am sorry but it would really help out or maybe he didn't who knows who knows that's the thing that's what i wanted to say who knows who the [ __ ] knows mike god and this little boy know that's that's about it that's about it the only reason that i can even talk about this [ __ ] is because everybody is speculating they all think he did it and i don't think he did it i'm alone in this i don't think he did it i'm not gonna say i don't think he did it that's too strong let me just say i am reserving judgment until all the facts come out but so far from what i heard i mean the kid said he was dying of cancer he was in make-a-wish foundation he claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish to meet michael jackson come on man give me a [ __ ] break this kid is 10 years old he don't remember thriller the [ __ ] you want to meet michael jackson for honestly i remember thrilling and i just like kind of want to meet this [ __ ] like i wouldn't break an appointment i mean i'll put it that way i'd have to already be free that's ridiculous that's like if i'm dying in two weeks and go oh mama oh get me in the room with chubby chunks i wouldn't want to meet that [ __ ] that my leg is two weeks why not usher somebody like this so then the kid claims he goes to michael's house this is where it all gets crazy i don't like you know he does everything you'd expect at michael's house they uh climbed trees and rode roller coasters and ferris wheels the chef made cookies pies and cakes they was petting the monkey and giraffes sing songs kid [ __ ] and in the middle of all this child-like activity for some reason mike pulled out some wine and some pills and sucked this kid's dick folks it hurts me to say it and the kid had the nerve to call that abuse [ __ ] that is a good host god damn what else do you want what else do you want i'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink in my friend's house let alone a roller coaster ride my dick sucked mike must be confused like i brought you in my house i fed you i sucked your dick and this is how you repay me [ __ ] this was your wish that man i thought you were dying in two weeks what happened to that [ __ ] i've been in court for a year and a half to get strong every time i see you when that this is [ __ ] up i shouldn't even say the [ __ ] wouldn't be some ironic [ __ ] if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer was michael jackson sucking your dick somehow like if mike had power was like green mile and all the kids like please mike's i got x never again he didn't appreciate it here can we at least study your saliva please michael it just doesn't stop though it just doesn't stop and the only reason i can talk about mike is because he's a freak he's a freak that's why people let you talk about it because if i brought up catholic priests [ __ ] kids it'll get quiet as [ __ ] but but when michael jackson does it it's okay because he's a freak his face is all cut up but just remember when you look at that thing that he calls his face that he did that for you somehow somehow he thought you might maybe it'll help maybe people will like me more if i turn myself into a white ghoulish like creature i don't know what the [ __ ] it is but he did it for you and i appreciate the gesture michael jackson if you're watching this i appreciate that gesture and i want you to know [ __ ] everybody dave chappelle understands because you want to know something i'm getting some work done surprise yes nothing major you would never know if i didn't tell you but it's some [ __ ] i'm insecure about that i want to work on if you must know i'm getting botox done on my bowls to get these wrinkles out finally have these [ __ ] smooth as eggs no i can't wait i cannot wait and i'm not stopping there that's just phase one baby i'll be like bob vela these old balls i'm fixing them up i'm plucking all the hair out i got to make room i know this i got to make room i'm going to tattoo a gangsta ass face on mean expressions like this then i'll grow the hair back on the bottom so they got beards like me and then i'm hitting that beach and looking for ball suckers i'm gonna wear some high shorts just like this and walk up to women with a confidence i've never had before pardon me miss i don't mean to be rude but do you suck balls excuse me miss relax you didn't even let me finish do you suck these balls oh my god those balls are as smooth as eggs yes i'll suck them i've played this scenario out in my mind a million times lady that's how it always ends yes i'll suck those balls all our stars all our stars man our kelly pissed on his victim i know it was rough but i mean again i can't even judge r kelly first of all we don't know if these allegations are true and not even if they are true if you want to know how i feel about it honestly if a man cannot pee on his fans i don't want to be in show business anymore because well that's why i got in the game baby i got dreams too you guys are confusing the issue while you guys are busy worrying about if r kelly even peed on this girl or not you're not asking yourself the real question that america needs to decide once and for all and that question is how old is 15 really no that's a good question that's a good question i'm not saying that a person is as smart as they're going to be at 15 that's not what i'm saying man but i am saying 15 to me is old enough to decide whether or not you want to be pissed on i mean that's for me if you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15 and just give up [ __ ] because life is way harder than that i make tougher decisions all the time if you don't want to get pissed on just get the [ __ ] out of the way it's not even a decision if i stop peeing on the front row they're not going to have to calculate and think how do i feel about this am i okay with it they just move you can do that at 15. i could have i've been 15. when i was 15 i was doing stand-up and nightclubs i smoked reefer from time to time friends were selling crack i was trying to finger [ __ ] people i knew what was happening around me to some degree getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. trust me but it keeps coming up it's a lot of confusion around that age any time 15 comes up people freak out like when that girl elizabeth smart got kidnapped right remember you told last year's 15-year-old girl elizabeth smart was kidnapped and then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved and i was the only one saying damn she wasn't that smart after all now cause she got kidnapped that could happen to anybody i'm not knocking her for that i'm just saying if you're kidding at me when i was 15 you gotta take me further than eight miles away from my house man god damn can't hold me prison around [ __ ] i recognize i'll break away i'll break away [ __ ] off me [ __ ] that's my bus stop i know where i'm at i'm going home she was missing for six months eight miles away from my house that's two exits man that's nothing and while she was missing during this half a year that this girl is missing is a seven-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in philadelphia nobody knows her name they might have talked about it two or three times on the news but she should have been top story because she chewed through the ropes and had both of these [ __ ] in jail and 45 minutes flat 70 of those i'm not making this up these two crackheads kidnapped and took her back to the crack house and tied her up and then they left her the crackheads they got to make moves crack smoke chocolate to eat these [ __ ] made moves it was out but as soon as they left this little girl got the nibbling she was kidnapped at four o'clock and at home watching herself on the news at 5 30. that [ __ ] is crazy that's a that's a news story that is a news story now meanwhile in utah fifteen-year-old elizabeth smart's captains left her alone too and they didn't even tie her up because they're hillbillies they just bounced don't try to escape [ __ ] it will kill you be right back at least and she's 15 sitting in the house by herself how am i gonna get out of this come on elizabeth think think elizabeth how am i gonna get out of here why don't you just open the [ __ ] door and go outside have you thought about that do you have a quarter do you know your phone number your 15 [ __ ] run stop thinking and stop making moves i know i sound mean and i know what the people are thinking when i'm saying the stage she is only 15. all right but that's the discrepancy because when you talk about a little girl like elizabeth smart then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent on the flip side here comes 15 again now we talking about a 15 year old black kid in florida this black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when he's practicing wrestling moves that he saw on tv now was he a kid no they gave him life they always tried our 15 year olds as adults [ __ ] knew what he was doing it's a goddamn pile driver this kid gets on the ropes there's no stopping him you'd have to send the rock to arrest him and they gave a 15 year old boy life in jail if you think that it's okay to give him life in jail then it should be legal to pee on him that's all i'm saying you got to make up your mind across the board how old 15 actually is that's all i'm saying so i'm gonna tell you right now if somebody comes in here and puts a gun in my head and says chappelle you got a choice to make you're either going to jail for a month or we'll let you go but you got to let r kelly pee on you i'm not hesitating bring in r kelly and tell him to stay away from my eyes i'd rather get pissed on the outside and [ __ ] the butt on the inside i can't go to jail with some smooth botox balls and think everything's going to be all right it's not that kind of place take my chance with that pissed pistol wash off with a 10 minute shower i'm certain of it coming right out what can i do they're going to put me in jail society's changing rapidly can't smoke indoors the [ __ ] is that all about i got kicked out of teddy ball for smoke no that [ __ ] was ridiculous so stripper did it the stripper came up like your smoking is a health risk for me i don't want to work on this kind of environment speaking of your gunnery infested [ __ ] in my face you started it they threw me out it's the dirtiest place i've ever been thrown out of and just to give you an idea of what i mean by dirty lap dances at this place three dollars it's [ __ ] disgusting and at the same time who could pass up a sale son it was three dollars of course i did it it's only 12 quarters said i'll break a five for that i've never seen somebody work this hard for three dollars this lady must have been the throwback to the great depression she was all over me it's the first time i ever told a stripper to get off me all right yeah thank you very much miss thank you that'll be all that's enough thing hey hey get off of me whatever happened to lipstick on the caller lady i have a [ __ ] streak on the middle of my shirt how the [ __ ] am i gonna explain this when i get home huh oh no baby me and bob were playing basketball and bob dunked on me was hanging on the rim and his pants fell down i was checking him close i think he's swinging and his butt shakes my uh his butt cheeks i think hold my shirt i don't know why i was playing ball in my dress shirt i just was it was midnight i don't know what the [ __ ] just let me think that's that's when you know a guy's lying if you say [ __ ] like that hold on just let me think we may not say that to you hold on just let me think for a minute can i think well y'all went man you guys you guys made too much progress too fast not too much but you just you're confused by you made so much progress you even confused men and women we both like what the [ __ ] just happened cause women got all this money now but they still like women like oh you never take me anywhere anymore and do be thinking [ __ ] you got more money than me you never take me anywhere anymore and at the same time you don't treat a man like a man you don't cook you don't clean and you don't do anything a [ __ ] says tell a [ __ ] what do i see women doing this to me the whole time come on no man wants that [ __ ] don't want anybody to tell me what to do that much you got to work with me like if it makes a man feel like a man to watch the game then just let them sit there and watch the game for a minute and if he happens to look over and she while he's watching the game don't look at him all mean and make him feel guilty about watching it just pick up your own titty and sucker just try it out he will instantly remember why he fell in love oh that's right forgot my girl sucks my own titties from time to time i can't walk away from that it's too hard to find you see that took 20 seconds he's still going to be as busy as he won't just check out everything's cool well how about this if you're making love to your man you already make a love might as well spice it up right how about this i personally like it i like it when a girl tells me where to come don't like it when a girl tells me when to come i hate that [ __ ] don't come yet oh [ __ ] all these rules instead of doing that why don't you just tell us where it's make us feel better especially if you're aggressive about it i like when girl get wow come in my face stick your chin out like a boxer bring it on [ __ ] but it doesn't have to be that that wild or explicit that's a look all the man wants to know that you're interested in that you're participating you can say anything he'll be happy oh oh come on top of the television all right the weirder the place the better oh come in my fish bowl damn the fish ball oh [ __ ] they're eating it all fish love it when i come over oh is that guy we're having chicken tonight you guys man thanks man it's been the best year in my career by far i appreciate you guys watching me cause i do for my kids really man and my kids are off the hook you think i'm a bad [ __ ] wait till you see the 2000 model chappelle this [ __ ] is off the hook my sons are bad my oldest son is three this [ __ ] made me a necklace out of macaroni i said this [ __ ] this baller he painted the macaroni green and put it on the string he tied it on my neck and he told me he was proud of me and i got choked up and he thought i was sad it's how smart he was he says are you sad daddy and i said no i'm not sad you're too young to understand the son but this is [ __ ] crazy you used to live in my balls man now you're making jewelry out of macaroni you a bad [ __ ] long live chappelles oh [ __ ] thanks guys thank you that's what it's all about everybody usually wants to be famous so they can rock nice jewelry and all that [ __ ] [ __ ] i already got a macaroni necklace i got valuable [ __ ] i got i got value this [ __ ] not in it for that only kind of [ __ ] i want to do with famous like decadent is i want to go to vegas to the 5 000 blackjack table and i don't even want to play i just want to be such a big star that i could go up to one of the players in a tight hand and put my dick on this show and i'm such a celebrity they think it's it's funny hey what the [ __ ] oh [ __ ] dave chappelle wow get on the cell phone you are not gonna believe whose dick is on my shoulder and this guy's balls are smooth x he's had some work done couldn't thank you enough god bless you all man keep watching me i'm trying to make it interesting stay safe i'm rich

Channel: cybie04

Views: 1,312,636

Rating: 4.7292109 out of 5

Keywords: dave chappelle, chappelles show, chappelle, live, Dave

Id: hVU7HKjhlxo

Length: 57min 39sec (3459 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 09 2013