Jim Carrey The Un-Natural Act Stand-Up Comedy Show 1991

here comes down he stops well you cut down a dozen for the Mon air come shampoo and trim put your hands together and welcome let's hear for the gym dancers ladies and gentlemen come on get it out the gym dancers come on let's hear - dancers yeah the two dancers kitchen dancers are there they go get it well good evening ladies and gentlemen my name is Jim Carrey and how are you this evening all righty then I grew up in Canada is there anybody here from Canada I used to get really upset when I told people where I came from down in Los Angeles because I always got the same response Canada Wow must have been cold now I just go along with them yes Canada it was a frozen hostile wasteland and there was much work to be done if we were to survive the elements after boring a hole through the ice to find food my good friend Nanta and I would build on a glue to protect ourselves from polar bears and flying hockey pucks then we would drink a lot of beer and when then took was ready he would tell me the story of the great moose who said to the little squirrel hey rocky watch me pull a rabbit out of my anyway I'm here tonight and I feel good really good excellent super I just want to go I think those subliminal motivation tapes are starting to make a difference yeah that's right I listen to motivational tapes I think I want to get stuck in this dead-end job that's all right on me I want to do something wonderful I want to be one of those gospel singers on the PTL Club those guys are just happy no matter what I think I saw it well they knew the other that you guys are what I watch the children play but when I opened up my voice to sing my second mate sweet Jesus around who made the good war imagine if you could actually be that happy that would be powerful man people would be tunneling under the street to avoid you go man he's a happy guy still out there looks like I'm going to be late again now it's the happy guy he's right beside the car I can't get near it first if I wanted to be that happy I'd have to forget all of my problems and the only time I forget all my problems is when I'm right smack dab in the middle of a sexual orgasm so I have them as often as I can I'm having one right now ever had one of those really smooth orgasms burnsy and Elvis I think that's how Elvis got that way actually but that's my only escape you know sure I could go on a vacation but I'd still be thinking about what I got to do when I come home see to me an orgasm is like a mini vacation but it's better because you can't think about anything when you're having one oh man I'm Way behind in the rent and that opening the kids need braces what am I gonna do and you're right back into the pain of life you know but for 30 seconds man you're free all you can think about is what the hell am I going to grab on to gee I hope the person I'm with doesn't do anything stupid like move you ever been with somebody who wanted to just keep on moving I used to keep a brick under my pillow for people like that it's over let it go we won't go out with her again that's the only time it's the only time I'm really truly free the rest of the time I sit around and I worry about the stupidest things the stupid things ideas like what would you do if you found out your mom and dad went to hell well that just ruin the rest of your life to be walking around they taught me everything I know even look like them of course my mom would drive the devil crazy if she ever went to hell she'd spend eternity going something burning my mom could always smell something burning man I spent half my childhood feeling the walls for hot spots nine times out of ten it was my father she liked a lot of smokers his favorite cigarette of the day was that one right after dinner you know during his nap fun watching him wake up though drop and roll I just worry too much though I don't know maybe there is nothing to worry about maybe maybe there's no actual place called hell maybe hell is having to listen to her grandparents breathe through their nose when they're eating a sandwich get that homing thing going yes it's not a meal it's a struggle for life itself hmm I think I'll make another one we'll be good here's a scary concept though getting old you can't do that you gotta kiss that stuff goodbye man I just want to keep challenging myself you know I don't want to become the the reminiscing guy you know people run into at bars and stuff can always tell how boring their life is by how far back they have to reach for glory you're like remember remember how fast I used to be when I was a sperm the day of the big race toss in the field but I people off the furrow is living mister back in the cervix I was seaman first class see for me for me Jimmy Stewart is the kind of guy that I'd love to be it's very difficult to be that though you know I mean he's just kind of up here somewhere and I just want I love a man it's he's a great example of somebody who's had an incredibly productive life seems like no matter what happens no matter how bad things get Jimmy Stewart can look at it in a positive way well I guess we're going to have ourselves a nuclear holocaust look at that mushroom cloud the amazing thing to me is that something so magnificent colorful could just melt her face right off that's positive energy you know you got to look death right in the face so Jimmy Stewart would do the hi mr. Duquette you look like you could do some soap I don't want to be like that man maybe I will be maybe someday after I'm finished singing the gospel I'll go even further and become a real holy man and I'm not talking about the kind of holy man you see on TV those TV evangelists they're not holy men they're just ambitious I saw one guy who was so ambitious he actually became jealous of the Lord you could tell it came out halfway through the sermon he said when I was a child no I - legal save you're on the world then they told me that Jesus it was the son of God I realize it's all who you know very petty petty people no can't be like that if you want to be a holy man and you got to be sure yourself too when you make a decision you cannot waver in any way you got to stick with it you never see Gandhi during a hunger strike sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night Gandhi what are you doing down here and I thought I heard a prowler and I was going to hit him over the head with this giant bowl of potato salad they would never put himself in that position you know and you got to control your temper constantly you know you cannot fly off the handle of any moment you got to be right in the center like Jesus was very composed his whole life I mean right up to the end that was me I'd be up there going great just beautiful you guys are gonna get it I'd be a whole different book man then there are those weird impulses we get constantly you know we have to fight them off every day of our life there's mad little impulses we get and everybody gets them too I could be with a friend it could be your best friend in the whole world he'd stand about two feet away talking to you and you're thinking my goodness I could just fire out and hit him right now he would never expect it sea madness is never that far away it's as close as saying yes to the wrong impulse the people who stay sane are the people who can make those quick decisions should I stick my fingers into the fan leave the room right now should I run the blade of this razor across my tongue or just finished shaving and move away from the sink you're right there but you don't because luckily most of us have that little voice inside our head that says Oh turning the car into oncoming traffic is counterproductive imagine if we didn't have that voice man I wouldn't even be here right now I'd be in the shark tank at Sea World we'd be apologizing till the end of time hi how are you sorry man you guys have joined the show Wow excuse me geez sorry about that just came into my head and I made a decision I don't know it's I hate to turn my back on the audience I really do I think nine out of ten of the worst impulses we get though are when we're behind the wheel of a car you know that's why I don't think it's a good idea to carry a gun in the glove compartment because chances are if it's there sooner or later you're going to use it of course in again what are you going to do if somebody cuts you off on the freeway just let them go pretty much have to shoot them you know otherwise they will warn nothing or say all sudden you have to go on a real killing spree and all you have is a knife after a couple of people your Armas egg and you have to switch hands then you look like a girl stop needs that kind of aggravation man there are automatic weapons on sale that's why a lot of my friends are taking martial arts classes and stuff like that which i think is a really good idea anybody into martial arts here come on right now I'm going to get some boiling water I think it's a good idea to know how to defend yourself though I really do I just wish the people who took martial arts would master the technique before they go around showing it on because it's really annoying when they come up kin go hey man I just learned this incredible new move in karate today but you got to come at me like this gee is there anything I could do to make it easier for you maybe I could put my head under the back wheel of your car down the street it's how it goes down man give me your money no all right then I'm gonna have to stab you with my right hand and the lunging passion try to keep your weight on the back leg what world is this what wonderful Wow gee he does it all of course I don't think we need any of the stuff if we could just communicate to each other of course if you wanted to do that you'd have to find some kind of language that everyone understood myself I think that's music I happen to love it what happened to him I don't know he tried to sing like Michael Bolton something just popped in his head the guy tries really hard doesn't know come on ninety-nine percent effort Batman turn I hated to go to one of his concerts by the end of the me to have a big bubble on his head they want an encore cut me I love the way sings I'm just afraid for him that's all I want you to open up the parameters of the music we listen to you know it really bothers me that the people in this country don't know about the incredible pop music coming out of the Middle East right now I'd like to be the one to bring it to the west come on clap your hands I'll do one let's on yeah Oh yeah what's going on man it's all about pelas we should try to put ourselves in their shoes for a change wake up in the morning pick the sand out of your teeth turn on that radio dial that was haughty ba-bye cool Abdul coming up next on Libya rap DJ Jazzy maja bar and the fresh Ross on Johnny but first a word from our hostage I'm in business same organs communication hardest thing in the world you know I can look at you guys I can communicate to you all night but one-on-one I'm terrible just there's certain things about communicating that really bother me you know like whenever I meet somebody new I say hi how are you most the time when people hear that they'll say something like good and yourself or fine thank you very much but sometimes they like to surprise you I've got no dream man I'm all dead inside I'm sorry wrong answer but thank you for playing and if I'm worried about something I don't even want to leave my house anymore because I know there's five people waiting out there somewhere just to ask me that question hey Jim how are you can I go really good please look away I should change the response or something you know how am i gee I don't know let me check I'd like to do a few more tests thank you the weird thing is though we've gotten so used to hearing this hi how are you that if somebody doesn't say it we answer it anyway hi Bob good on you then the conversation goes nowhere because all you can hear is that voice in your head going he thinks you're an idiot he's gonna tell everyone kill him kill him and you have to make one of those decisions again you know I think body language is the communication of the future for instance if you stand like this it means hey girls I'm single and I have a curvature of the spine put it out there and guys seriously the walk is everything the walk is the most important element if you want a whole room full of ladies to know what you want without them getting the wrong idea walk into a singles bar like this see this puts out a definite message you know it says listen listen I could care less but my crotch would like to buy you beer these days women have heard every line there is to say guys you got to get in there with something visual and distract them hey maybe come here for a second yeah you come on over here listen listen do do you find it unusually windy today you guys have been great Oh Oh Oh Wow yeah

Channel: Nikola MBC

Views: 2,864,651

Rating: 4.8826542 out of 5

Keywords: Jim, Carrey, comedy, Funny, Humour, Joke, Laugh, Humor, Jokes, Prank, Laughter, Laughs, Silly, Hilarious, Laughing, Lol, Crazy, Haha, Mark, Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Jim Carrey (Celebrity), Crazy (Composition)

Id: KQHsVPD5Ans

Length: 29min 21sec (1761 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 14 2011

Reddit Comments

[u/toffeeapple89]

He should never have changed his shirt.

[u/[deleted]]

So many armchair critics.

[u/meanttodothat]

Thank you so much for the link to the whole show.

[u/[deleted]]

HOW DOES HE BEND THAT WAY??!

[u/TimmyFTW]

I lost 80% of my respect for him when he got on the "Vaccines cause autism" bandwagon because of the lady he was banging at the time.

http://www.jennymccarthybodycount.com/Jenny_McCarthy_Body_Count/Home.html

[u/GiantSquidd]

Isn't there a bit more to comedy than manipulating your face to help sell fart jokes? I mean Jim Carrey is not the worst comedian ever by any standard, but he's pretty much pandering to the lowest common denominator 90% of the time I've seen him...

[u/[deleted]]

I kept waiting for his shirt to go to the Blue Screen of Death. I could almost hear the windows 95 startup sound.

[u/bl33t]

he's much better in movies than he is stand up, at least as far as i can tell