- She's just like
the Terminator. She just like, gets up. And I was like I should
have finished her off. (audience laughing) (dramatic music) Welcome to This Is Not Happening presents Fisticuff. If you've never been
to this show before it's just a bunch of comics telling fun stories about real shit that happened. - [Host] Give it
up for Ari Shaffir. (cheering) - Thank you everybody. The first time, like
the very first time that I physically struck,
physically struck a woman was um,
(audience laughing) oh, I would never fight a man. There's no advantage there. (audience laughing) I have a clear
advantage against women. Why would I ever
fight not a woman? Shaquille O'Neal doesn't
take three point shots. You know what I mean,
you stay in your zone. But the, as long as women
that are bigger than me but the first one was, I was, it was my sister. I was 13, she was 15
and she had this habit of taking her hand
and just resting it, like, inside her butt cheeks. For hours, hours at a time. Not outside the pants,
inside the pants. And then she would go
not in the ass hole, but right along the ass hole. She played basketball,
it wouldn't matter. She just leave it in there. For fucking five years. What were my parents doing? (audience laughing) Why would they even allow that? But anyway, whatever. They never told her anything. So she just left it there. And I had gotten this
jacket, this bomber jacket, this leather bomber
jacket for my bar mitzvah that I was super stoked on. It was the greatest thing
ever, it was so fucking cool. And I couldn't find it one day. I remember looking around like, where's my jacket, where's, and I came downstairs. I'm like Debra, have
you seen my jacket? And it was right next to her and she fucking
pulls her hand out, she goes, it's right here. With the ass hand. She put ass on a leather jacket. You can't get those in the rain. And she goes it's right here and I just fucking lost
it and I spaz fought her for about 10 minutes. I'll fucking kill you. I hate you. And my dad had to come
down and separate us. I was so mad. He was holding me back and I was still trying to get kicks in. Like, I don't, like
I wanna see you dead. (audience laughing) And my dad had a habit
of talking to me. Like, "Ari, you can't,
you can't hit a woman." And I was like, "Why,
why is that a rule?" (audience laughing) That's a stupid rule, what
are you talking about? What if they deserve it. What if they touch your jacket with their ass hand? What about if they deserve it? And he goes, "Oh, they'll deserve
it all the time. (audience laughing) "It's really not about that." He said, "I almost punched
your mom on the way down here." (audience laughing) I was peeing, she
was halfway through, I had to finish peeing
and I walked past her, she looked at me I
was like I'll fucking. But you can't do it, for
some reason you can't do it. And I was like,
all right, I guess, I'll take your word for it but, this rule does not
make any sense. I never hit a woman again
for about four years. And then I went, my senior
year of high school, for the second semester
we all went to Israel for a semester. I'm upper middle class Jewish. I'm not gonna apologize,
I've had a great, great life. (audience laughing) Probably, if you had it hard, I didn't have that
same hardship. (audience laughing) So we'd go there for four weeks, for four months, excuse me. My whole senior year
and I was gonna lose my virginity while I was there. To this girl named
Lisa (beeping). She was the biggest
slut in my high school. She had sex with
like one person ever. So, but she broke
up with the guy like two weeks
before and I always had a crush on her. You know when you just
know, I just knew. I was gonna lose my
virginity to Melissa Schitol. I even bought condoms in America 'cause I didn't know
if the technology had reached over there. Do they do rubber there? I don't understand. So anyway, me and Lisa
and the whole class got to Israel and
we all split up and went to different kibbutz. This is, this is
so fucking ethnic. I just realized that now but a kibbutz is this thing
that happens in Israel. It's a utopian society,
that's what they call it. It's one village and
it's self sustaining. So somebody works on the farm, somebody works in
the dining room, somebody takes care of the kids. Everybody has a job. My job was actively
trying to get out of any physical labor. 'Cause these hands just
don't stay soft on their own. So anyway, it came
time where I was like, I'm gonna go visit
Lisa on her kibbutz and I'm gonna do it. And I asked my counselor
if she could give me leave to go visit her and she goes no, you can't go. And I was like why? She goes you haven't
done a single day of work in two months that
you've been here. She was like, no you can't go. I was so mad. This girl, her name
Orna, that was her name. She was an ex-military. And she was like
no you can't go. And I was like,
what, I was so angry. Nothing this fucking unfair ever happened to anyone
in their lives. And I was so mad, I
remember working off steam. I was dunking, I was
outside playing basketball, I was dunking, they had
these nine foot rims so Jews could feel like winners. (audience laughing) You still had to
work for it though. You still had to try
and I was dunking and she came up just
to explain to me, just to explain like her side. She goes Ari, you
know I'm sorry. It's nothing personal. I just can't, it's
a bad precedent. I worked up the
courage, I'm a good kid. And I worked up the
courage and I just go, "Fuck you." Did I go too far? Nope, nope I didn't. She goes all right and
she starts to walk away and then I went
up to dunk again, I remember getting in the air and that voice on my
shoulder was like, "Hey, instead of
dunking this one, "why don't you chuck
it in her face?" (audience laughing) I was like that's a great idea. I should totally do that. So I jumped and she's
like 20 yards away, and I just launched one. As hard as I could, I
remember thinking like, Lord, guide my hand. And I threw it and it
had this spin on it so it started left and then it started coming back. It had a little
body language on it like come on. And it got about four or
five feet from her face and then I guess she
decided she wanted to tell me one more thing. (audience laughing) So Orna, she just
turned and was like, and the ball is just in the air and I know it's thinking like, oh, this is why I was created. (audience laughing) This is my moment. I thought maybe one
day to play in the NBA, no, it's, I don't
know what the word is, but destroy this girl's face. And that's what happened. She turned and she goes boom. And it just crushes her. And she, you ever seen in like
a bad special effects movie like someone gets
shot or punched? And then like a full
second will pass by and then they fly back. And you're like oh, that's
horrible special effects. It's not horrible
special effects. That's what happens. This basketball hit
her she goes ugh, and then vibration went
like all the way down and then all the way back up and then she flew backwards. And my emotions were split. Because half of me was like oh, I just chucked a basketball
at somebody's face. And a woman's face, like,
that's real guilt there. But the other part
of me is like, I just chucked a basketball
at some girl's face from like 30 yards away. (audience laughing) It's one of the sickest
shots I ever had in my life. Smell the roses. (audience laughing) And I remember
sitting and thinking for like two seconds like, ooh, I don't know what. And then she just
like the Terminator, she just like, gets up. (audience laughing) And she had a little blood,
she just wiped it away and stared at me
as she walked away. And I was like, I should
have finished her off. (audience laughing) I made a huge mistake
letting her live. So she didn't do anything until the next day
in the dining hall. She beat the fuck out of me,
just tell you what it is. But she walked right up
to my table like this, I'm eating sunny side up eggs. She just walks right up and
just stares at me like that. And I looked,
everybody gets quiet because they all
knew what happened. And I didn't know what
it felt like 15 seconds, I didn't know what to
say so then I just, eventually I was like,
I just missed the dunk just so you know. It was an accident. And she just backhanded me. But she like, she like
turned like this far. She bent at the waist. I didn't even know what
that was until years later, I was reading a golf digest. And they were breaking
down Tiger Wood's swing and they're like the power
comes from the waist. It's not the arms,
it's the waist. Like, here's a back hand. Oh, that's pretty bad. Oh, oh that's gonna hurt. And then she dipped and just
bah as hard as she could. Spun me out of my chair. Sunny side up eggs were
just flying across the room. It, I didn't wanna cry. I was like. (whimpering) That hurt. And then she picks
me up by my collar and she goes you touch
me again I'll kill you. Bah as hard as she could. Slapped me to the ground. And I never got to
see Lisa's (beeping). It was, until like
a month later. A month and a half
later, I went, we all like met up
again in Jerusalem and then I had a
chance to bone her, but she wouldn't
say she loved me so I wouldn't,
God I was a pussy. I said I love you and she
was like, that's cool, and I was like, oh what? And I couldn't just take it. I was like, do you love me? Like, maybe she didn't
know that was a hint. She was like, no, I ain't
seen you in like three months. What are you talking about? I was like, all right,
I'll just go down on you and eat you out. (audience laughing) And by the way, the only
reason I used the term eating you out is
because at the time that was the only term I knew. And I'll just say it's
a very confusing term. (audience laughing) Doesn't describe
the act in any way. And back in those days
when you didn't have porn on every fucking internet, you just confused and I remember looking at her vagina
and going like, all right, I guess
it's time to eat. (audience laughing) Who eats like that? That's what I'm saying. Nobody eats like that. Who eats like that? (audience laughing) There's nothing you
eat like that way. (audience laughing) Invalids eat that
way, old people. Pudding. (audience laughing) So I went down there and
I took off her underwear and this fucking muff
popped out at me. I remember it was
like Beetlejuice. I was like oh. And then I got through it,
I remember going down there and looking at her vagina
and going, all right, I guess and then just. Biting at it like
a baby pit bull. Just working it. (audience laughing) And she screamed. She was like what are you doing? I was like, giving you
the time of your life? (audience laughing) And I didn't lose my
virginity for five more years. All right, you guys, I'm done. Thank you very much everybody. (cheering) Thanks for watching everybody. That was the first
episode of this run of This Is Not Happening. So this year we're doing
two different topics. We're doing fight stories and
we're doing travel stories. World of Blunder for travels and Fisticuffs for fights. If you haven't seen last years check out some awesome stories by Joey Diaz, TJ
Miller, John Hock told a great one about
shitting his pants. What I want you to do though, what we're gonna do
is have an interactive YouTube situation. I want you to leave
comments on the best fights you've ever been in or the best fights
you've ever seen and leave that in
the comments section and then next week at
the end of the video, when Big Jay opens this video we're gonna just show
the best comments that you guys made. So put some good ones up there. And that's it, don't
forget to click on this link right
here to join in the Reddit discussion. Use This Is Not Happening as a hash tag on Twitter. Follow me on Twitter
at Ari Shaffir and that's it, join in
every Tuesday everybody, we're gonna put a new
great story out every week. So until then, see
you next Tuesday. (techno beeping)
