(upbeat music) - If you go to a house that's a strip club in the woods, down a
dirt road with no lights in Dothan, Alabama, those bitches are ferocious. (audience applause) (techno music) (glass breaks) (techno music) - Welcome to This Is
Not Happening presents: World of Blunder. If you've never been
to the show before, it's just a bunch of
comics telling fun stories about real shit that happened. Give it up for my
friend and yours, Mr. Joe Rogan everybody. (audience applause) - Yo, yo, yo. Yeah. Hello, hello, hello. What's up? What's going on? I've been traveling, doing
stand-up comedy for a long time. I started going on
the road back in 1998 and that was... (mumbles) I started going on the
road because of Dice Clay. We are at the Comedy
Store one night he's like "you
should do the road" and I was like OK. If he's willing to
talk to me I'll listen, you know. And I started going on the
road both doing stand-up comedy and working for the Ultimate
Fighting Championship. Which back then, was really like doing porn. (audience laughs) In 1998, you didn't want
to tell people that you... "what are you doing
this weekend?" I'm going to see a cage fighting
event in Dothan, Alabama. I'm working. So I fly into this place
and I'm hanging out with these fighters. I'm in my 20s and I'm
completely baffled by the whole situation. And like, you ever
see that cartoon where there's two dogs. There's a little dog that's
hanging out with the big dog. And the little dog is like, where we going Spike? The big dog is like, shut up! I was the little dog. And I'm just hanging out
with this slew of dudes who can rape me. And one of them wants to go out. And if you're around like
these big giant like.. This one dude. We'll
just call him Bob. We'll call him Bob. It's not his real name, but Bob was this giant wrestler dude who is like 250 lbs
of American muscle. And Mexican supplements. And we're hanging out
in Dothan, Alabama. What does Bob want? "Bob wants to get some pussy. "Yeah, there's got to be some
pussy in this town, man." I mean literally, that's
all he wants to do. And we're...we're there
with this other dude who is the local DJ. You know, we have to
do like morning radio to promote the event, it's this big event down there. And morning radio guy talks
like morning radio guy. He's like, "what do
you guys want to do?" There's a voice that somehow another they're
all allowed to use. And it's not like you
know, you're doing a real like he's doing Jack Nicholson. No, they're all just doing
the voice they do at work. It's basically the same thing
as the strip club DJ voice. It's very interchangeable. DJ guy's like, "hey, I
know where the girls are. "There's a club just
outside of town. "Let's head out
there right now." So we get in his car. We hop in DJ guy's car. And we start going out of town. And we're in homeboy's car. And he's playing, you
know, his station. We're talking. And Bob is like, "man gotta
be some pussy around here man. "I'm telling you dude, "there's gotta be some
pussy around here." And we start going
down a dirt road. I notice there's no more lights. And I'm like, what's going on? He's like, this is where it is. So we go down this dirt road. This is all a true story. Down this dirt road,
there's no lights. And we get to a house. It's a fucking house. The house has a nylon sign, like one of those
signs, you know. Like you see a temporary sign. And it just says
Gentlemen's club. At a fucking house. And I'm like, oh shit. This is a mistake man. I'm awake, I'm sober now. I'm not high, again. So I'm thinking this is a
terrible, terrible place to be. He's like, "man I hope
there's some pussy in there." So I go out with him
and the DJ guy's like "We go there all the time,
don't worry about it buddy. "Come on in. "Alright." We walk in the door, it's
a fucking regular door. There's like bookshelves,
people have their shoes there. There's a fucking staircase. Like this is insanity man. We go in this room, and if you've ever been to not like an established
beautiful place like Cheetah's. If you've ever been
to a strip club... If you've ever made a mistake and gone to a house with a vinyl
Gentlemen's Club sign in the middle of
Dothan, Alabama, you'll notice that there's
a strange thing about the food chain when it
comes to strip clubs. And the less attractive have
to be the most aggressive. It's sort of how nature
balances itself out. It's like you know hyenas
are desperate as fuck, they gotta make shit
happen right away. Alright. They're not turtles, where
there's plenty of food and they live to be 1000. No they gotta get
shit done right now. So. If you go to a house,
that's a strip club with a vinyl sign, in the woods down a dirt road with no lights in Dothan, Alabama, those bitches are ferocious! They fucking move on you man. You don't get a
chance to sit down. They're on you, okay. And it's a strange scene man. First of all, there's like, the only thing that
makes strip clubish is that there's red light bulbs. They're using red light bulbs. Okay. So I sit down, the trained killer is like "man, where's the pussy
in this place man?" And he's looking around. And this girl immediately
comes up to me. And there's a thing
that a gal will do when she's trying to get you
to do a private dance with her. And that thing is to
immediately put her knee where your penis is okay and then they move into
you and start talking to you. This is a sexy pose. Okay, but not when
you're wearing sweatpants and wrestling shoes. Okay and your breath smells like you ate 150
shit sandwhiches and had a drunken
Mariachi band fart in your mouth for a year. This... (mumbles) Steps out. I'm not bullshitting man. She's wearing fucking sweatpants and she's got
wrestling shoes on. And she's gangster. She's like, "do you wanna dance? "Do you wanna dance?" And it fucking hits me
like a broken fire hydrant of stink. It's just... (vomit sounds) And I don't know what to do. I'm a polite person. I try to be nice. We're all different. And I don't know
how she got here. So I'm sitting there. And all I could think of. All I could think of
was I have a girlfriend and she doesn't
let me get dances. So she starts doing all this, "you don't know what
the fuck you're missing. "You don't know what
the fuck you're missing. "I'm a badass bitch. "I'm a badass bitch. "You don't know what the
fuck you're missing." And I'm like I'm never gonna
get out of here alive man. That's all I'm thinking. Is I have fucked up. This is like a fucking movie. You take the wrong turn
and then eight hours later you're pleading for
your life in a basement. This is a fucking disaster. So I gotta find
the trained killer. So I go over, I'm like man we gotta
get the fuck out of here. I get up to him and he has found the only
attractive girl within miles. And she has gravitated
towards his alpha presence and she's sitting in his lap. And she weighed 90 lbs. I know this because he told me. She's in his lap and he looks over
at me and he goes "she only about 90lbs." (audience laughs) And now this it happened exactly this way. He goes "her pussy's gotta be tight" that's...like... Could you imagine breaking
a human being down to that? He was calculating
mass and size and... It's a goodin'. It's a keeper. It's a fucking keeper man, that's a keeper. So you know he's with this girl and you know they're
asking questions. One of the things
that he did was the girl would point to
every other man in the room. She would go like this "what about him over there," "him right there, I'll take
him like this right here" (laughs loudly) He did that like, he did that like 10 times. With 10 different guys. (mumbles) And then I'm you know the other girl is still on
the other side of the room. "You don't know what
the fuck you're missing "you don't know" so I'm like man I gotta
get the fuck outta here. I'm completely
sober at this point. And I'm like hey dude, why don't you ask your friend if she wants to get the
fuck outta here, alright. He's like "hey you wanna
get the fuck outta here" and she's like "I'll go if my friend can go." "She'll go if her
friend can go." Who's her friend? Shit breath! Of course her friend
is shit breath. So we hop in DJ
mister nice's car, Kiss 107.5 fucking
whatever it is. He's in, "alright
everybody get in the car." So the trained killer and
the 90 lber in the back seat but shit breath wants
to sit on my lap. "Cause they're ain't no
fucking room back there "come on, dog, "what's up, there ain't
no room back there." There's very few
things less attractive than when you're on a dirt road on a fucking road
with no lights. You go to a house and there's a vinyl sign
that says Gentlemen's club. And a girl with shit breath wearing wrestling
shoes and sweatpants. Also talks black. She's white and
she's got freckles. and she's like "come on dog "let me sit in your lap dog" and I'm like you can't sit in my lap. My girlfriend doesn't like
girls sitting in my lap. "You don't know what the
fuck you're missing." And she keeps she keeps doing this shit
to the back of my head. She's behind me with the 90
lber and the trained killer. "You don't know what
the fuck you're missing "you don't know,
I'm a badass bitch." I'm just thinking, we're
gonna get to the hotel room. I'm just going to
get the fuck... This is all going
to be a memory. Well apparently the
trained killer had realized that this is gonna be a problem. And he's was looking
over and "man, "she is gonna be a problem man, "she's gonna fuck
this up for me." So as soon as we
pull in to the hotel the hotel is... (mumbles) You know, overpass thing,
little circular roundabout sort of a thing in the front,
with a roof on it. We pull in to that thing, the fucking trained killer
kicks open the door, grabs the 90 lber and just starts running. (audience laughs) I mean this mother
fucker is clearing... He's got some fucking ass
and squat legs on him. He's just making
leaps and bounds and there's no way. She's tied up in the seatbelt and she's trying to get to... "Oh no you don't ditch
me mother fucker." So shit breath shit breath is running
after the trained killer. But this mother fucker
puts logs on his back and runs up stadium stairs. So he's just running
with this girl. He gets her to the elevator. The elevator doors open. He turns and looks
at shit breath and boom, just like
a horror movie. The door shuts just
in the nick of time. (audience laughs) And this is 1997,
1998, whatever it was. There was no
cellphones back then. You couldn't text your friend OMG what room R U in? No he was gone, he was a ghost. That door shut,
she had to think, I don't even know
if he was real. I don't have a photo of him. I don't have a contact number. He doesn't have
an email address. The door is shut. He went to many
floors, and many rooms. It was over. It was over. But shit breath would
not accept defeat. So she starts throwing
a fucking hissy fit. Oh no mother fucker, no you ain't doing this
shit to me mother fucker. And so she starts yelling
to try and get attention. One of the managers
run over to her. Ma'am what is the problem,
please can we stop this. And she goes, I
need to know where, she says his name UFC mother fucker
is all with my girl. We came together,
we leave together. So wrestling shoes,
sweatpants, freckles, tank top, it's a mess. This is a disaster. Okay. You're the last person you
want screaming in your lobby. It's a white girl with
wrestling shoes on, sweatpants, talking
like a black girl, obviously shit faced drunk, looking for a cage fighter. (audience laughs) Who may or may not have
kidnapped her friend, right? So the manager comes over, they're grabbing
her by the arms, they're trying to
get her out of there. She's like, I'll
leave mother fucker, I'll leave, I need to use the restroom, I need to use the
restroom first. Which is one thing that
drunks will always do. When drunks are
kicked out of the bar, they always wanna
get that last victory they...just let me have
a little something. Let me use the bathroom. They have this little thing you can't just kick 'em out. No no no, I'll go
out mother fucker but I'm a human being. Won't you let me use
the restroom real quick? Won't you... So they won't let
her use the restroom. They're like ma'am you cannot you are rude, you're yelling you're waking our people we gotta get the
fuck outta here. They push her
outside of the door. She doesn't take two
steps from the door when she pulls her
sweatpants down pushes them forward, cause she's done this before, alright, she knows not
to piss on her sweatpants cause she's been
there, done that. She pushes the
sweatpants forward and she's yelling
at the hotel going ya'll got me out here, pissing in the streets like I'm
some kind of fucking animal. (audience laughs) And I'm, I'm sitting in my car. Just sitting in my car,
laughing my ass off. Thinking, this might
be the best person I've ever met in my life. Like out of all the people
that you'll meet in your life that will just provide
you with something you can think about forever, I've met some inspirational
mother fuckers. But I think about her
more than any of them. I think about her all the time. I wonder if she's alive. I wonder if she has kids. I wonder if she still
works at that house. (audience applause) Thank you very much,
you guys were the shit (upbeat music) - Joe Rogan everybody.
That's Joe Rogan. Thank you very
much for doing it. Wow. What a disgusting story. I wonder what
happened to that girl. What is she doing now? She's gotta be a
mother, she's gotta be. Last week I told
you to leave me a some comments down here about the most disgusting
stuff you've ever seen. And we got disgusting stories like this one. Next week I'm going
to ask you to give me the best stripper names
you've ever heard, so if you've ever been
to a horrible strip club or a good one leave on the comments below. Don't forget to click
on the reddit link, tag this is not
happening on twitter. Don't forget to follow me and that's it everybody. I'll see you next Tuesday.
Was a great story, I enjoyed it!
Joe Rogan and cab drivers: The only people left rocking that hat.
Love this fucking intro.
Anyone know or want to suggest which one's are worth listening to on this show?
POWERFULLL
That's how Mark Coleman got the nickname "The Hammer".
Wholy shetaaki that funny!