Joe Rogan Meets a Crazy Stripper - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

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(upbeat music) - If you go to a house that's a strip club in the woods, down a dirt road with no lights in Dothan, Alabama, those bitches are ferocious. (audience applause) (techno music) (glass breaks) (techno music) - Welcome to This Is Not Happening presents: World of Blunder. If you've never been to the show before, it's just a bunch of comics telling fun stories about real shit that happened. Give it up for my friend and yours, Mr. Joe Rogan everybody. (audience applause) - Yo, yo, yo. Yeah. Hello, hello, hello. What's up? What's going on? I've been traveling, doing stand-up comedy for a long time. I started going on the road back in 1998 and that was... (mumbles) I started going on the road because of Dice Clay. We are at the Comedy Store one night he's like "you should do the road" and I was like OK. If he's willing to talk to me I'll listen, you know. And I started going on the road both doing stand-up comedy and working for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Which back then, was really like doing porn. (audience laughs) In 1998, you didn't want to tell people that you... "what are you doing this weekend?" I'm going to see a cage fighting event in Dothan, Alabama. I'm working. So I fly into this place and I'm hanging out with these fighters. I'm in my 20s and I'm completely baffled by the whole situation. And like, you ever see that cartoon where there's two dogs. There's a little dog that's hanging out with the big dog. And the little dog is like, where we going Spike? The big dog is like, shut up! I was the little dog. And I'm just hanging out with this slew of dudes who can rape me. And one of them wants to go out. And if you're around like these big giant like.. This one dude. We'll just call him Bob. We'll call him Bob. It's not his real name, but Bob was this giant wrestler dude who is like 250 lbs of American muscle. And Mexican supplements. And we're hanging out in Dothan, Alabama. What does Bob want? "Bob wants to get some pussy. "Yeah, there's got to be some pussy in this town, man." I mean literally, that's all he wants to do. And we're...we're there with this other dude who is the local DJ. You know, we have to do like morning radio to promote the event, it's this big event down there. And morning radio guy talks like morning radio guy. He's like, "what do you guys want to do?" There's a voice that somehow another they're all allowed to use. And it's not like you know, you're doing a real like he's doing Jack Nicholson. No, they're all just doing the voice they do at work. It's basically the same thing as the strip club DJ voice. It's very interchangeable. DJ guy's like, "hey, I know where the girls are. "There's a club just outside of town. "Let's head out there right now." So we get in his car. We hop in DJ guy's car. And we start going out of town. And we're in homeboy's car. And he's playing, you know, his station. We're talking. And Bob is like, "man gotta be some pussy around here man. "I'm telling you dude, "there's gotta be some pussy around here." And we start going down a dirt road. I notice there's no more lights. And I'm like, what's going on? He's like, this is where it is. So we go down this dirt road. This is all a true story. Down this dirt road, there's no lights. And we get to a house. It's a fucking house. The house has a nylon sign, like one of those signs, you know. Like you see a temporary sign. And it just says Gentlemen's club. At a fucking house. And I'm like, oh shit. This is a mistake man. I'm awake, I'm sober now. I'm not high, again. So I'm thinking this is a terrible, terrible place to be. He's like, "man I hope there's some pussy in there." So I go out with him and the DJ guy's like "We go there all the time, don't worry about it buddy. "Come on in. "Alright." We walk in the door, it's a fucking regular door. There's like bookshelves, people have their shoes there. There's a fucking staircase. Like this is insanity man. We go in this room, and if you've ever been to not like an established beautiful place like Cheetah's. If you've ever been to a strip club... If you've ever made a mistake and gone to a house with a vinyl Gentlemen's Club sign in the middle of Dothan, Alabama, you'll notice that there's a strange thing about the food chain when it comes to strip clubs. And the less attractive have to be the most aggressive. It's sort of how nature balances itself out. It's like you know hyenas are desperate as fuck, they gotta make shit happen right away. Alright. They're not turtles, where there's plenty of food and they live to be 1000. No they gotta get shit done right now. So. If you go to a house, that's a strip club with a vinyl sign, in the woods down a dirt road with no lights in Dothan, Alabama, those bitches are ferocious! They fucking move on you man. You don't get a chance to sit down. They're on you, okay. And it's a strange scene man. First of all, there's like, the only thing that makes strip clubish is that there's red light bulbs. They're using red light bulbs. Okay. So I sit down, the trained killer is like "man, where's the pussy in this place man?" And he's looking around. And this girl immediately comes up to me. And there's a thing that a gal will do when she's trying to get you to do a private dance with her. And that thing is to immediately put her knee where your penis is okay and then they move into you and start talking to you. This is a sexy pose. Okay, but not when you're wearing sweatpants and wrestling shoes. Okay and your breath smells like you ate 150 shit sandwhiches and had a drunken Mariachi band fart in your mouth for a year. This... (mumbles) Steps out. I'm not bullshitting man. She's wearing fucking sweatpants and she's got wrestling shoes on. And she's gangster. She's like, "do you wanna dance? "Do you wanna dance?" And it fucking hits me like a broken fire hydrant of stink. It's just... (vomit sounds) And I don't know what to do. I'm a polite person. I try to be nice. We're all different. And I don't know how she got here. So I'm sitting there. And all I could think of. All I could think of was I have a girlfriend and she doesn't let me get dances. So she starts doing all this, "you don't know what the fuck you're missing. "You don't know what the fuck you're missing. "I'm a badass bitch. "I'm a badass bitch. "You don't know what the fuck you're missing." And I'm like I'm never gonna get out of here alive man. That's all I'm thinking. Is I have fucked up. This is like a fucking movie. You take the wrong turn and then eight hours later you're pleading for your life in a basement. This is a fucking disaster. So I gotta find the trained killer. So I go over, I'm like man we gotta get the fuck out of here. I get up to him and he has found the only attractive girl within miles. And she has gravitated towards his alpha presence and she's sitting in his lap. And she weighed 90 lbs. I know this because he told me. She's in his lap and he looks over at me and he goes "she only about 90lbs." (audience laughs) And now this it happened exactly this way. He goes "her pussy's gotta be tight" that's...like... Could you imagine breaking a human being down to that? He was calculating mass and size and... It's a goodin'. It's a keeper. It's a fucking keeper man, that's a keeper. So you know he's with this girl and you know they're asking questions. One of the things that he did was the girl would point to every other man in the room. She would go like this "what about him over there," "him right there, I'll take him like this right here" (laughs loudly) He did that like, he did that like 10 times. With 10 different guys. (mumbles) And then I'm you know the other girl is still on the other side of the room. "You don't know what the fuck you're missing "you don't know" so I'm like man I gotta get the fuck outta here. I'm completely sober at this point. And I'm like hey dude, why don't you ask your friend if she wants to get the fuck outta here, alright. He's like "hey you wanna get the fuck outta here" and she's like "I'll go if my friend can go." "She'll go if her friend can go." Who's her friend? Shit breath! Of course her friend is shit breath. So we hop in DJ mister nice's car, Kiss 107.5 fucking whatever it is. He's in, "alright everybody get in the car." So the trained killer and the 90 lber in the back seat but shit breath wants to sit on my lap. "Cause they're ain't no fucking room back there "come on, dog, "what's up, there ain't no room back there." There's very few things less attractive than when you're on a dirt road on a fucking road with no lights. You go to a house and there's a vinyl sign that says Gentlemen's club. And a girl with shit breath wearing wrestling shoes and sweatpants. Also talks black. She's white and she's got freckles. and she's like "come on dog "let me sit in your lap dog" and I'm like you can't sit in my lap. My girlfriend doesn't like girls sitting in my lap. "You don't know what the fuck you're missing." And she keeps she keeps doing this shit to the back of my head. She's behind me with the 90 lber and the trained killer. "You don't know what the fuck you're missing "you don't know, I'm a badass bitch." I'm just thinking, we're gonna get to the hotel room. I'm just going to get the fuck... This is all going to be a memory. Well apparently the trained killer had realized that this is gonna be a problem. And he's was looking over and "man, "she is gonna be a problem man, "she's gonna fuck this up for me." So as soon as we pull in to the hotel the hotel is... (mumbles) You know, overpass thing, little circular roundabout sort of a thing in the front, with a roof on it. We pull in to that thing, the fucking trained killer kicks open the door, grabs the 90 lber and just starts running. (audience laughs) I mean this mother fucker is clearing... He's got some fucking ass and squat legs on him. He's just making leaps and bounds and there's no way. She's tied up in the seatbelt and she's trying to get to... "Oh no you don't ditch me mother fucker." So shit breath shit breath is running after the trained killer. But this mother fucker puts logs on his back and runs up stadium stairs. So he's just running with this girl. He gets her to the elevator. The elevator doors open. He turns and looks at shit breath and boom, just like a horror movie. The door shuts just in the nick of time. (audience laughs) And this is 1997, 1998, whatever it was. There was no cellphones back then. You couldn't text your friend OMG what room R U in? No he was gone, he was a ghost. That door shut, she had to think, I don't even know if he was real. I don't have a photo of him. I don't have a contact number. He doesn't have an email address. The door is shut. He went to many floors, and many rooms. It was over. It was over. But shit breath would not accept defeat. So she starts throwing a fucking hissy fit. Oh no mother fucker, no you ain't doing this shit to me mother fucker. And so she starts yelling to try and get attention. One of the managers run over to her. Ma'am what is the problem, please can we stop this. And she goes, I need to know where, she says his name UFC mother fucker is all with my girl. We came together, we leave together. So wrestling shoes, sweatpants, freckles, tank top, it's a mess. This is a disaster. Okay. You're the last person you want screaming in your lobby. It's a white girl with wrestling shoes on, sweatpants, talking like a black girl, obviously shit faced drunk, looking for a cage fighter. (audience laughs) Who may or may not have kidnapped her friend, right? So the manager comes over, they're grabbing her by the arms, they're trying to get her out of there. She's like, I'll leave mother fucker, I'll leave, I need to use the restroom, I need to use the restroom first. Which is one thing that drunks will always do. When drunks are kicked out of the bar, they always wanna get that last victory they...just let me have a little something. Let me use the bathroom. They have this little thing you can't just kick 'em out. No no no, I'll go out mother fucker but I'm a human being. Won't you let me use the restroom real quick? Won't you... So they won't let her use the restroom. They're like ma'am you cannot you are rude, you're yelling you're waking our people we gotta get the fuck outta here. They push her outside of the door. She doesn't take two steps from the door when she pulls her sweatpants down pushes them forward, cause she's done this before, alright, she knows not to piss on her sweatpants cause she's been there, done that. She pushes the sweatpants forward and she's yelling at the hotel going ya'll got me out here, pissing in the streets like I'm some kind of fucking animal. (audience laughs) And I'm, I'm sitting in my car. Just sitting in my car, laughing my ass off. Thinking, this might be the best person I've ever met in my life. Like out of all the people that you'll meet in your life that will just provide you with something you can think about forever, I've met some inspirational mother fuckers. But I think about her more than any of them. I think about her all the time. I wonder if she's alive. I wonder if she has kids. I wonder if she still works at that house. (audience applause) Thank you very much, you guys were the shit (upbeat music) - Joe Rogan everybody. That's Joe Rogan. Thank you very much for doing it. Wow. What a disgusting story. I wonder what happened to that girl. What is she doing now? She's gotta be a mother, she's gotta be. Last week I told you to leave me a some comments down here about the most disgusting stuff you've ever seen. And we got disgusting stories like this one. Next week I'm going to ask you to give me the best stripper names you've ever heard, so if you've ever been to a horrible strip club or a good one leave on the comments below. Don't forget to click on the reddit link, tag this is not happening on twitter. Don't forget to follow me and that's it everybody. I'll see you next Tuesday.
Info
Channel: Comedy Central
Views: 7,573,637
Rating: 4.7972269 out of 5
Keywords: joe rogan, comedy central, joe rogan this is not happening, This Is Not Happening, Ari Shaffir, storytelling, joe rogan stand up, this is not happening clips, this is not happening episodes, comedy central stand up, this is not happening joe rogan, joe rogan comedy, stand up comedy, this isn't happening, joe rogan standup, crazy strippers, crazy stripper, stand-up comedy, standup comedy, comedian, UFC, Ultimate fighting championship, mark coleman, joe rogan experience, JRE
Id: -tpPZ74AdpI
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 14min 35sec (875 seconds)
Published: Tue Nov 19 2013
Reddit Comments

Was a great story, I enjoyed it!

👍︎︎ 24 👤︎︎ u/CatrickStrayze 📅︎︎ Nov 19 2013 🗫︎ replies

Joe Rogan and cab drivers: The only people left rocking that hat.

👍︎︎ 31 👤︎︎ u/TheDude1985 📅︎︎ Nov 19 2013 🗫︎ replies

Love this fucking intro.

👍︎︎ 5 👤︎︎ u/[deleted] 📅︎︎ Nov 20 2013 🗫︎ replies

Anyone know or want to suggest which one's are worth listening to on this show?

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/youregunnagetitbobby 📅︎︎ Nov 19 2013 🗫︎ replies

POWERFULLL

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/carlog234 📅︎︎ Nov 19 2013 🗫︎ replies

That's how Mark Coleman got the nickname "The Hammer".

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/ufcfan4893 📅︎︎ Nov 20 2013 🗫︎ replies

Wholy shetaaki that funny!

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/banditt2 📅︎︎ Nov 19 2013 🗫︎ replies
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