Gastor Almonte - Reverse Drive-By - This Is Not Happening

unlike your Jeff yo Jeff I just got jumpy I need to help me I'm down $1,000 what the [ __ ] we gonna do Jeff it's nice and long he says oh that's easy you got [Music] [Applause] [Music] I'm from East New York Brooklyn there's a lot of lies here just no way no a guy like a cheer for that once and it was in East New York Brooklyn you know we make them different over there you know my father's from now from there you know you become a hustler you smoke you do work to make money you know give you an example last month cops knocked on my door they spoke to me and my wife they're like hey um you know about any stolen appliances didn't deliver to your house apparently somebody went to see is bought a ton of refrigerators stoves ovens got to deliver to my backyard never paid for that [ __ ] so I thought of my dad as a kill pops you know about any stolen appliances gave delivered to my house last week he's like last week now especially guys but I wanted to be like him I want to be this level of smooth this cold you know tough under pressure like that yet of the plains when I was 13 I got into this prep school in Queens st. Francis prep and he was really excited cuz you know somebody from the hood was gonna make it you know bellator the UFC I'm crossing over but I was concerned you know kids that prep they wore khaki pants and polos I gotta ride the J training that [ __ ] I'm not gonna be tough sax my dad's a gill pops low worried about my street cred going to the school he won't think I'm soft now he's like gassed or being tough got nothing to do what you where where you go to school it's about being responsible handling your business you know what you need you need a job I know if you guys know much about the employment market for thirteen year olds it's not great so we had to convince my mom you know to get a gig so we decided you know I'd work with my dad my mom wasn't too thrilled with the idea but this will be told us she could ride along with it I was gonna be the vending machine operator I was gonna go there fill up the machine with juices sodas and I could keep the profits in the machine she was happy well my job actually was was to go to the laundry mat and take all the cash and deposit it at the bank cuz it occurred to my dad it's a cash business I got taking our money every day this is East New York Brooklyn that's dangerous why should I risk my life I got a perfectly healthy thirteen-year-old boy put in the use you know now to pull this off we had to do a few things one we decided we should pretend that I'm actually not his son I was just a random vending machine operator it's cool because this meant that I could just talk to him like a regular dude super I walked in the first day I was going on leo how you doing man what you getting into this weekend oh man I got into some [ __ ] yo he had to eat that like just take it's amazing so I go downstairs to get the sodas and it would be two envelopes it was one with the cash I had to deposit and my money for the day a large amount only been open one day so I'm expecting a couple bucks for me and maybe $1,000 a business there was $12,000 in cash I didn't come prepared now thankfully I've been going to this prep school for a few weeks and the white kids at the school put me on to the wonderful world to cargo pants [Laughter] so I proceeded to use the various storage options available today come upstairs I see my daddy taps is hid to remind me the second benefit of his job I got a people I know you impressed it's amazing see cuz you guys don't realize this now like beepers was just a [ __ ] back then I remember telling my friends at Brooklyn y'all when y'all cut class make sure y'all page me and like y'all ain't got [ __ ] to tell you man I know but I want people to know I got [ __ ] going on so I started my walk sad note by the way I learned something during this walk to the bank something you could take home with you if you ever have a confidence issue maybe you got an interview coming up called propose to your missus whatever you decide and you lacking something inside you should try walking around with twelve thousand dollars in cash it's incredible you have no I felt like jay-z that whole world man not bumping on my boy Jeff he's like you know guess what you getting into today like man you know running these streets no I do so he's like y'all we should go get a slice some right cool you know what else would you do with twelve thousand dollars so we got on my boy beat though on Essex he pays for his slice I pull out a wad of $1000 I pay for my slice Jeff gets very excited he looks at me old and she's like oh [ __ ] yo Gaston is doing it runs to the pay phone calls up everybody you know now as an adult I'm responsible now I got a mortgage I got a wife I got kids I got [ __ ] going on I still dream of being a rap I want to buy out the ball it looks fun to poor lick on people and [ __ ] I know it's fun cuz I got to live that as a 13 year old it's real it's amazing you who's the snapples on me pizza any topping you got no idea what the [ __ ] they will put on the pizza if you ask anything anything it's possible you dream y'all put wood on pizza make it do it cook another one frivolous [ __ ] now I got to do it as Balham over I sitting at the table with my people my beeper went off I say y'all part of me I've gotta take this go to the phone call back the numbers my daddy's it go how'd the deposit go my friends are watching so I'm like man I get to it when I get to it thug life he's like yo um I know we got this whole charade going on at the laundromat but you're still my son and you actually have $12,000 when are you making a deposit I'm like I said I get to it when I get to it hung up the phone legendary you'll hear about it go back to the table chop it up for another 20 minutes go to the counter drop $100 for Vito keep the change walk out like a G I'll make it another block under the J train on Fulton and six dudes walk up to me hey don't get ahead of me and the dude in the middle hits me straight on the chest he's like yo you gassed up I'm like yeah who wants to know he's like well we heard you was doing the real big I had I'm like oh yeah if you want some pizza I left a ton of [ __ ] go help yourself he's like nah man we heard you was doing the real big now we want to do it real big too and they jumped me on Fulton Ferrell 6d thanks to that dude Chad at own AV I had the cargo pants on they only got to one of my pockets so I lost the rest of that stack I lost $1,000 I'm bloody that run back to the pizza read Jeff is on a stupor from six slices I'm like yo Jeff yo Jeff I just got jumped B I need you help me I'm down $1,000 what the [ __ ] we gonna do and Jeff just nauseous along he says oh that's easy you gotta rob somebody logical East New York decisions so we decided to rob the local drug dealers on Jerome Street cuz it's the one-way street right they got a trash can in the middle with a block with a JanSport bag with the day's cash one do it on one corner you give him the money do it on the other corner gives you a product simple operation so we came up with the idea to drive against traffic hop out the car get the bag drive off so we go to my dad's house get some ski mask on hoodies and we take my dad's car try out down the block jump into the Trash Can I grab the bag now we drive off I'm looking in the rearview me I see the drug dealers just looking confused but they do [ __ ] we got away with it against traffic [ __ ] worked we drove straight to the bank and made the most gangster deposit ever right into the wild move rockin a ski mask run right up to the teller and I'm just trying to throw [ __ ] at the counter and the security guard walks over he said what you doing I'm like man I'm bringing money into the [ __ ] he looks to me confused Jeff Johnson nah he's cool we go to prep you see you got cargo pants on so I make my deposit I get home pulled this [ __ ] off a Phil relax my dad comes in from lunch he's like yo guess so I had that deposit go McGarrett my great pops he's acknowledged tell me how did the deposit go I was the process and like I said everything went fine everything was cool and he's like Gaston those are my friends that jumped you stop [ __ ] with my money here's the rest of the cash he took from you go make that deposit we'll talk about this when I'm done for the day so I go to my room I call it Jeff [Laughter] yo Jeff we got a problem those are my dad's friends that Romney I didn't need thousand dollars so he's like so we got $1,000 no Jeff we have angry drug dealers so we decided to do but I like to call a reverse drive I got the ski mask back on stole my dad's car again we drove down Jerome Street know at the window throw the JanSport bag out and we allow my bad yo drove all happy day I show up for work the next morning you know go downstairs get the sodas for the day I see the envelope for the deposit I don't see my money so I come upstairs I'm like yo leo I see the deposit money where where's my cash and he's like oh you mean the money that I needed to smooth things over with the drug dealers or Jerome Street turns out the reason my dad's laundromat had 12,000 dollars the first day of business it's cuz my dad's the local lon shocked some of his biggest clients happened to be on Jerome Street so he's like gasps store okay that you did some stupid but you gonna do some stupid to a smart for example when you robbed local drug dealers try not to do so in the car that the local loan shark uses to drop off their money lesson I like to think I'm a little more responsible now the dope she's trying to buy home when I got married had my kid on the way you know so I talked to my dad I had money saved but I had enough to buy a home and I wanted he smirks comes back from his office and he hands me a checking book it's under my name I'm like what's this he's like Gaston I'm real proud of the man you are you have a good character you're tough and you do things that I can't do and you avoided doing the things that I had doing I'm real proud of you for that but in order to get you here it costs me a lot like actual money it costs me a lot so every time you did something stupid you know break a window playing baseball steal my car wreck it or robbed local drug dealers I put the money that it cost me to fix that problem and I put the same amount of money into this account eighty three thousand two hundred dollars and that's the money I used to make the first down payment on my house so when people ask me can you raise a good kid in East New York Brooklyn I say yeah all it takes is patience love and a spare $80,000

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 3,689,270

Keywords: Gastor Almonte, This Is Not Happening, Gastor Almonte comedian, Gastor Almonte stand up, comedy central, this isn't happening, roy wood jr, storytelling, Brooklyn, East New York, father, hustle, dad, police, stolen appliances, prep school, tough, job, 13 years old, money, cash, cargo pants, beeper, pizza party, mugging, ski mask, bank deposit, drug dealer, loan shark, stand up comedy, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians

Id: 7IkkbRW7z5c

Length: 16min 53sec (1013 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 24 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/TryingToInterestYou]

Not available in my country :((