Best of the Worst: Wheel of the Worst #21

hello hey guys mike jay weren't we gonna shoot an episode where is everybody [Music] but alas it is the wheel of the worst a torture device for the modern age a spin of three your torture will be dvds and tapes to seal your fates it's now time to spin the wheel of the worst josh josh what did you do what did i do yeah i i heard i heard the commotion from all the way across the i was on the other side of town oh well you should know it's the wheel that you built they made me who made you they did oh oh oh i couldn't stop it josh that's why i'm here rich you're the true prophet what's the first tape it's called get with a safe food attitude what moms to be need to know about safe food handling apropos buy moms 2 b do you get it josh uh-huh uh-huh they're pregnant okay what's up next rich why does mom drink so much well do we need a videotape about that videotape all right so what's next josh uh um it does that oh is that a feature or flaw i don't know next up is menopause metamorphosis by sue sun s weed sponsored by the foundation for a compassionate society more heavy [ __ ] but maybe weed [Laughter] more hippie [ __ ] [Laughter] all right next we have meredith monk turtle dreams oh cool i'm a meredith monk and it appears to be four people on a stage all with their necks broken i understand this this tape is haunted do you actually know who meredith yeah she's a composer okay okay that's tape that's that uh our next tape is massaging the elderly geriatric massage techniques with dietrich w measler [Music] uh produced by the daybreak geriatric massage project that's how you know it's good okay yeah i can't can't wait for elderly massages gonna love that that's gonna be pleasant i wonder i'm oh no i do i do i actually that's not true no yeah that will definitely won't be plus exactly but i had a question whether it was going to be elderly people massaging but no it was massaging the elderly so i had my question answered even before i turned to look again maybe it's the elderly massaging the elderly well that would be nice at that point i won't be sure where one of them begins and one of them ends it's just gonna it just unfolds yes oh god i hope i don't get that one what's next [Music] what's what's next our next video is writing for results the winning written report hey this one might actually have some use were you planning on being like a writer i might need to write some things down if i'm doing it i want to do it right you want okay you know what yeah if it's worth doing it's worth doing right i don't get it that much i don't get it what's next rich our very last tape which is how to host a princess party gwendolyn the fairy princess who was who was holding an obnoxious yap dog oh oh boy oh you know what i'm fine with this yeah it's i can't say it's any worse or better than anything else we've got on the wheel i have no rooting interest this time around that's true the only thing i know is i don't want massaging the elderly that's the only thing i know is it because you can't say massaging right [ __ ] you what [Music] all right okay i think we're ready for this no we're not [Music] oh turtle dreams all right here we come [Music] come on ready for some of that 90s hip-hop [Music] kind of that moody you know moody or snoop dogg i'm into it we are all unfortunately ugly yet we are the same [Music] ladies and gentlemen the beatles [Laughter] oh no that's that's the hot for teacher choreography there they've got it bad [Music] stop it no she's not going to stay out make up your mind enter out [Music] oh no rich lost it just look at the up dog [Music] [Laughter] rich that was an amazing experience turtle dreams i i won i won i won wheel of the worst it's possible there's still two more you can't beat me you can't beat me [ __ ] try it i will i will let's see what you got okay here we go [Applause] safe attitude i won mike i won you're not going to beat me with two bee moms you can't we'll see we'll see i am invincible let's go kids are yelling good grief what a day down the aisle keep your smile meats and chicken for a while read the label ain't no fable before your leader store bring the chorus looks like she looks like the actress from sleep away camp oh yeah [Music] all right josh all right i still have the turtle dream stuck in my head so we're gonna see what else i can do to get rid of it i'll spin the wheel all right [Music] oh no you've missed out on your tape josh i know we're gonna have to learn how to have a princess party rich with gwendolyn the fairy princess and her unnamed dog if only if only i built that that flapper a little bit shorter jack that's it you could have just a little bit i could have really learned something so close but no no no no no no no no no god damn it all right let's get this [ __ ] over with all right let's finish this gwendolyn the good fairy has been invited to many princess birthday parties she's watched the excitement on the faces of the birthday princess family members and party guests after all is said and done the princess will have a successful party because it was a well-planned birthday party everyone will feel special and loved gwendolyn will share with you successful princess birthday party what have you done those seven key parties i didn't pick this [ __ ] thing [Music] no people just asleep oh what oh man where am i i gotta get oh no don't try to get away i gotta go wait hold on i'll be back here just don't bother me yeah so tired a matchy necklace and princess gwendolyn is more ruffles than person now and melting into the floors she has lots and lots of presents to open there are big ones and little ones the presents are all so pretty i i have to say though after watching this video up until this point this does look like a fun party hey that's pretty good do you want us to throw one for you mike i would love a party just like this all right all right noted welcome back everybody we did it we did it we are here there are four of us here we are not social distancing no i'm way too close i'm sorry i'm sorry none of us are wearing masks we are less than six feet apart and we all got together and watched random videos that we selected on a wooden wheel we're all gonna die and we are all white [Laughter] uh the first video oh i should be the one to talk about this yeah you should selected on the wheel of the worst fascinating little video called turtle dreams turtle dreams producer susan dowling length 2753 september 2nd 1983 wgbh tv boston rich this was your favorite video right yes you're a big fan of uh avant-garde's experimental art look look everything else sucks this is amazing this is at least entertaining even though this is everything i hate [Music] everything i despise is contained within this that's very interesting if i owned like a bar and it was like closing time i i'd put this on it's like turn the volume up it's like she's she's got a bad case of the hiccups but she's also having an orgasm oh there it is she hit it i hate these people so much it's that that pretentious art school thing where they they think they're so important and serious and they're not saying anything no or are they see that normally on an on an average episode of best of the worst we'll take a movie off the shelf and we have the luxury of reading the back of the box the wheel we don't this whole video we're confounded by what the hell was going on josh well you wait wait you have the opportunity there is text yes there is that was just uncovered that's just on the back that's not going to you just just take the sticks out yeah read that text maybe it will shine a light on this turtle shell let's let's get information about these turtle dreams by meredith monk all right very curious turtle dreams 1983 was created by the dance theater artist and composer meredith monk the video is a collage style work that juxtaposes minimalist movement phrasing and vocal work with images of a life turtle traversing various terrains so they're just saying literally what we watched oh that didn't help at all that just tells us what we know we saw we're not done okay there's more the turtle is pictured both in an outdoor natural habitat and roaming through constructed sets the moon's surface a city block which play with scale to make the turtle seem gigantic it's literal the performers execute shifting movements and sing repetitive sounds against a spare backdrop close-ups of their features and hands appear oh my god the end that that is the literal interpretation of someone who was was outside of the production yeah yeah that was just something that worked at pbs it's like what do i write not even that there's no clue in that description as to what is meant by this people oh my god the librarian the back would say something about like what this is meant to be how what you're meant to interpret and the thing is we need to talk about this because what this is is an avant-garde musical piece with specific choreography given to it and performed by meredith monk and three others [Music] it looks like he's trying not to laugh there has to be context there must be context [Laughter] [Music] it's not it's not it's not just you know a sweet generally like you see it and [Music] it doesn't mean anything more than that it has to mean something more than that it means something to meredith monk it must does it yes i have a feeling that these avant-garde art [ __ ] they have no idea what they're doing but they they know what their peers are doing and they're just trying to top their pages this is you being dismissive of art rich yeah rich is dismissive of art yeah particularly of on guard arts yes and i understand the the the desire to just write it off because when we started watching this it felt like a parody of avant-garde it's funny it does it was it was a very it was a very tampon in a teacup well what do we have here margaret it's a tampon in a teacup yes kind of situation yes the ghost world father mirror right yeah yeah yes and it's it's it's more than that but i don't know how much more i had a working theory when i was watching it and and i i pulled it was like oh my god grasping at straws but i pulled something yeah out of it it was uh okay the chanting sound sounds kind of native american kind of tribal right they kept cutting randomly they kept cutting to the very extreme oh my god maybe five or six times throughout the whole film randomly they would cut to the extreme close-up of someone who looked like either native american or spanish yeah it was just eyes and it was like yeah it was like moderately cinematic looking as far as the lighting goes different and compared to everything else so you had the the kind of the tribalish chanting um you have four four whites uh black and white white background you know black clothing and then you have the image of the turtle maybe kind of some kind of folklorish native american naturally initially seen in a very traditional yes you know habitat river river water and then that sort of starts globetrotting like indiana jones there's yes then it cuts to him in a decimated like western city yeah downtown like there's there's dust everywhere and there's abandoned cars yeah the turtles crossing it seems to imply like a nuclear just describing this is like the back of the box all over again you're just describing the images you're bringing in a native american aspect i'm pulling out some kind of cultural like like almost uh sympathy or um oh my god some kind of like like um we feel bad for what we have done to the native americans that's that's the only thing that's what mike and i'm talking on a one percent kind of level [Music] because the rest of the video is as people awkwardly wailing and and walking back and forth the recording of the music i found very interesting because [Music] it's like new age barbershop quartet [Laughter] [Music] that's a great title new age barbershop quartet [Music] oh good night we're done and that seemed to juxtapose like why why why necessarily does this have to be so direct where what you're seeing on the video is such a large space it feels like it should be um just a little more spacial a little more like like in the environment [Music] the real problem is with this piece like we don't have any background as to we didn't have any prep as to what it was so we just have to take it as what it is and we it's it's it's bad when we're just looking at it on a surface level and we don't have any information as to what it's supposed to be meaning what it's supposed to be pointing at it's just a bunch of people moving around semi randomly and wailing cutting to some you know cloaked figures lying on the ground and then there are turtles but it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it should add up to something no it doesn't i hold it in utter contempt i understand that and yet it is the thing you love the most tonight and that's fascinating that that is that is very intriguing i laughed at it sure yeah it feels like uh like you mentioned ghostworld the the tampon and teacup it feels like if you're watching a movie that is has a segment of the film that is making fun of performance art like this is what you do like uh was it the big lebowski the his landlord he's doing his dancing around in his little costume not dissimilar it's yeah it feels like that it feels like a parody yeah but josh you mentioned the the audio quality and and yes you're right it it was pre-recorded and and so that that that adds a whole other layer to it because say they had like shotgun mics on the set right and they're just like going but remember there was that one moment where i was like i was like oh my god you know this person and this person are doing this thing yeah which means this is premeditated it was premeditated very much [Music] oh don't forget this let's need to do some of that you're a cat playing with a string you're the ninjas are attacking this the strange thing is is there's very specific movements oh yeah and like somebody thought of that and said you have to do this at this time and that's what i'm saying it means something to someone yeah i i i don't get like dance performance art i just don't understand it's garbage it was planned out the move the body movements were planned out they seemed to be very very audio the yelling the chanting the yoko ono s uh garbling [Music] whatever you want to call it alternate between phrases i'm i went to the store i went to the store i went to the store [Music] i went to the start [Music] what is she saying i think she went to the store which maybe is meant to kind of like put you in like maybe ground you a little bit and be like everybody goes to the store but then from there it kind of devolves into phonemes and just you know noises yeah yeah and it's hard to get something out of that [Music] is this where the turtle comes from yes oh my god there's an actual turtle i honestly wasn't expecting that i do want to say that turtle was on the goddamn moon [Music] [Laughter] but the problem the problem is that it was looking at the moon while it was on the moon so the moon has its own satellite which looks just like the moon sure it's a government conspiracy they're hiding the truth it's in the dark side it's called the double moon theory moon and a little moon is that song by the band called the turtles yeah it is [Music] [Laughter] there we go josh where were you i think he was just uh transfixed by your vocals i was mildly confused and frankly that's my review of turtle dreams by meredith monk i was mildly confused [Music] i think i think we've talked enough about turtle dreams i understand turtle dreams i don't like it but i understand it i don't understand it and i don't like it no fair enough i don't understand it and i both don't like it and like it it's not even it's not evoking anything that's yeah exactly like even just the fact that it's turtle dreams and there are turtles doesn't no no don't say that it's invoking a lot of confusion any art can do that right yeah that's art and then i would move on to the next exhibit but at least you can recognize it as art and learn anything interesting well that's true seafood attitude is art um [Music] and the juice is clear [Music] our next movie was safe food attitude with with featuring the the kick and rap group to be moms oh [ __ ] uh of rich would you like to talk about the same food attitude yes i would thank you anyway so how about tell me about food safety rich in in with the rapping style this is very it's very 90s there's one very 90s rap what are they rapping about the first one germs the whole thing is about germs and like raw chicken that's the whole [ __ ] video the first one is how you need to keep your meat between zero and 40 degrees is that what it was yeah okay i remember the grocery store yeah yeah and you have to look at that's when we got nostalgic for going to the grocery store under normal circumstances [Music] [Music] first things first disinfect your shopping cart [Music] says stay away from people and it's just full of people that's just everybody's in the grocery store just hanging around each other real close [Music] oh you guys remember shopping [Laughter] it was weird well shopping's still a thing it's just horrific yeah it is yeah they need to do a follow-up video to this same wrap-in but they're all wearing masks and two of them are just at home on their on their laptops ordering just for delivery yeah and it wasn't like an apocalypse movie where you had to avoid other people she didn't know if they were gonna like murder you they're they're taking they're taking their sweet time reading the nutritional charts on all the cereals they're just picking up items and putting them back on the shelf you can't do that and just licking everything yeah just licking it so on the fresh prince set there was a there was a video yeah i thought that was gonna be the whole video it was like rap song after rap song about various things i'm gonna tell you i was excited that would have been fun that was segment one yes segment like two through like six are just very lame i can't even call them skits the julia child song yeah that wasn't that was barely i mean they were all variations on the same topic which is wash your hands which is very relevant now um don't don't like [ __ ] around with raw chicken and don't get germs on things and that was it oh oh oh and don't eat dirty cat litter oh yeah we had to wait we had to wait all the way to the other rap for that one they were they were very specific about cat litter yeah it was weird now i know your kitty is looking real jump from a pretty kitty little which smells a little bitter can make you feel very low so don't eat cat litter dude just don't mess with that in other words from john's [ __ ] she's saying don't pick up your cat litter and put it in your mouth almost all those young mothers just want to put cat litter in their mouth we need to get the word out food preparation food preparation be safe with your food put your food in the fridge uh don't do this with your food cook your food this much make sure you wash your hands and you wash your dishes washers they're gonna be close to the salad when you have the chicken oh and don't eat dirty cat litter well the the confusing thing was who is this aimed at because it's all common sense stuff that any adult would know and you kind of came up with the idea that this was a video aimed at like 14 year olds that get pregnant i really strongly agree with that mike like had a very strong idea that this is for children that are pregnant well you're looking at the night babies the hip hop like it's trying to be a hip video yeah so it's like where do you market to pregnant 14 year olds high schoolers this goes in the high school like detention uh area oh the guidance counselor has a guidance counselor has a copy of this oh yeah she goes the hip guidance counselor like the cool one the girl tells you i'm pregnant and i'm keeping it you know oh you're only a freshman oh well here's a video about how you shouldn't eat cat [ __ ] this birthing stuff is hard this is just the practice part yeah you think this is hard work wait till the real thing you're gonna [ __ ] yourself [Laughter] so three rules you need to follow the litter box is not for you cause it's like it's like okay well they they explain like okay i got raw raw chicken i gotta put in the fridge for because i'm going to cook it later at the cookout but i have this plate of vegetables so it's like well don't put the raw chicken you know just on a piece of saran wrap above the the raw vegetable now put it on a paper plate because that's definitely put it on something where it's not going to drip onto the raw vegetables like a 14 year old might not know that and they might not know that it's super [ __ ] dangerous to undercook poultry yes because you can get food poisoning yeah get back in the oven and don't come back to your juices run clear but what if you're not a pregnant 14 year old is it not important at all then then you can just eat all the raw chicken and cat [ __ ] you want [ __ ] you should have seen me at 14 pal just just just like handfuls of kitty litter just shift them down your mouth and look at me today i think the logic is if you're if you're 14 15 and you're pregnant then you you have to kind of fast forward into adulthood you've got to you've got to think about a baby you've got to start cooking for yourself maybe you're not living at home anymore we all know the grandparents are going to end up raising the kids probably but but the the the the earnestness is there the the the purpose is there you know a normal 14 year old kid isn't isn't going to check the temperature on the chicken breast when before they eat it right their mom's going to do that but if you're with you yeah you find yourself in a situation where you're pregnant you're raising your own kid you might have to start cooking for yourself and what yeah what i will say to like agree with this is that a lot of these things could feel like a cash grab this doesn't feel like a cash grab at any point it just feels like it's got one point that it needs to get across and it's doing it repeatedly yeah yeah but it doesn't feel like they're trying to make money off of it now we're not looking for trouble today we're just looking for meats that taste delicious it feels like they're also trying trying to lure in the horror crowd because they cast felicia rose from sleep away camp as one of the 2b moms what the [ __ ] that was the most random thing ever that doesn't mean anything to you guys i know but felicia rose is in this video [Music] pregnant rapper mom some weirdo collector people are gonna need to have this video now you're welcome yeah sometimes the things that you love to touch can carry nasty things like them germs and such when that unborn baby inside of you special indication to stay away from germs all i know is if i didn't mention that felicia rose was in this every comment under the video i can't believe you guys didn't know this i can't believe you guys didn't make sure yeah so i mentioned it it's out of the way we can [ __ ] move on with our lives i don't know why none of that was english to me doesn't have to be we're not concerned we have things you can talk about later i have not been to this sleep away camp i didn't do much camping as a young man i've never been camping [Music] yeah we are animals we just happen to think a little more clearly than the dolphins we're special we're special we got thumbs and [ __ ] yeah we got opposable thumbs and we we use twitter that's the only difference and that makes us more intelligent i'm saying i'm using my opposable thumb like that for business i'm betting the evolution on on dolphins yeah you think you're going to overtake us yeah i think so yeah they're smart they are i wish they just weren't so rapey are dolphins rabies dolphins are famously rapey the dolphin slams billy against the concrete wall something has provoked these dolphins into a frenzy and caused one of them to attack yeah it's it's [ __ ] weird is it rape yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah well they'll rape like humans oh oh but it's it's sharks that date rape though sharks sharks like um knock the female out and they impregnate them while they're unconscious certain breeds of sharks man that sounds like a culture difference i'm not so sure you know they did an experiment where they had a woman live with a dolphin and they didn't tell the woman but i think the secret she said it was the best year of her life they were going to see if she would fall in love with the dolphin and vice versa oh and i think she ended up giving the dolphin a handy because the dolphin became quite enamored of her yeah i don't want to hear about this anymore i've uh i i i am unfortunately aware of um at least one book where someone says don't tell stories about your mom yeah i i it's good you didn't you don't have to wash them so often and with plenty of extras around if you're in a hurry you won't take such a chance on using one that hasn't been cleaned girl look at this creep back here [ __ ] john favreau does she know him i don't know it's just some guy are they siamese twins [Laughter] well did we talk all about the vignettes and say food attitude oh we didn't mention that this is this has a segment of this is the first found footage film i'm trying to think of what else top what other topics they could cover don't drink booze while you're pregnant wash your vegetables cook the meat properly what the oh my god whoa oh we get we got that camcorder pov footage yeah there's that small child but annoying her mom that is a is she learning disabilities say am i on candid camera no silly if it was a candy camera it'd be all gone by now i'd look it up oh no dear you're very dumb why would you say that because she's really scared oh that's right she keeps mispronouncing words yeah well the meat is perishable honey and the cooler helps keep it safe perish a bubble mom is it gonna pop like a balloon there's nothing wrong with mispronouncing words the mom said something and she's like oh she's like pasta bubble bubble yeah yeah she keeps mishearing it and then she goes over to grandpa who's in the witness protection cooper so he's like no picture he's like stop stop it stop filming me what was that what was that video oh my gosh oh my gosh captain marvel am i saying that i hate white dudes no i'm not what um oh god remember the guy with the with the guitar oh uh billy b billy b that's what i thought this was going to be song after song that's that's exactly what i was getting to is that you think like you're going to have like a like a bad hip-hop song and then the the the girls get together and go help another song is exactly the same but they cut from this and then they cut to the scenario with with her and her husband and he's cooking the food super germaphobes and yeah they're big she's like wash wash out the germs germs you know cleaning your hands around food just like washing kitchen sponges and dish towels is just another way that your actions speak louder than words clean clean clean i'm just trying to cook there i'm just trying to keep you and the baby safe dear we've got the chefs to light stir fry tonight okay they're going to kill each other at the end of this right this is real tense and then there's the orgy then there's the orgy scene where all the adults get together they're gonna like i don't know they just had dinner they're gonna play some games they have appetizers they're like you gotta lead up to the orgy you can't just go right into it well now that the food is safely put away why don't we go sit down sure why don't we [Music] they have to they have to put away the snacks and appetizers before the orgy and then so they have to get them back out and warm them up again they're like why are you wasting your time putting all those snacks into plastic containers we're just going to cover them on our genitals in a bit anyway you're just going to beat the food out you're going to be licking the onion dip off my tape and about about 15 why put it in the plastic bowl it's just unsafe mike you gotta you gotta be safe she's like we gotta put it in a plastic bowl if it's out for more than 30 minutes it gets joined and so it ends up in the fridge there's already germs in my teeth i haven't showered in six weeks should we try and clean up a little um no that was part of your kick the whole plan heat your leftovers until they're hot and steamy last week i made you eat kitty litter dig around in the kitty litter till you find the lump give me the nuggets the chicken nuggets and the kitty litter it's got like a hole in the bottom of the kitty litter bin [Laughter] good idea then we can just pick out the whenever we want some are you guys crazy what do you want to do make everyone sick [Laughter] oh god [Music] kitty laid a big one [Music] just move move on do they still do lamas or was that just like an 80s they're gonna say they still have orgies yeah no are orgy still a thing not right now right now they've been they've been canceled due to corona orgy cancelled they have skype orgies i'm sure right now oh probably oh sure yeah zoom they have zoom orgies zoom g's oh god yeah can you imagine that oh that's a real thing i'm sure it is yeah zoom orgy yeah somebody out there has done it just just you know you tell people just jacking and gelling it all across the world it's fine hey you know you can't leave the house you got to get your rocks off somehow i'm not judging yeah but it's on some kind of server somewhere oh it's saved oh you better believe it so just remember that now we can have leftovers that are tasty and safe to eat yes miss tv oh god uh so jay ow i feel like i need to ask you about princess parties i don't know why well um you've hosted many at princeton i have hosted many princess parties and uh how to host a princess party is the last ditch effort from an aging entertainer to finally make some cash i'm gwendoline the good fairy and this is my puppy kill me paper peeper and i love going to prince's birthday parties she never should have left cheers first troop beverly hills and now this her name is jane and she's from davenport she used to work in hollywood she ran out of money she had to go back home to davenport iowa and now she uh is princess gwendolyn for little children's birthday parties and this is her video about how to host your own princess party really i think she was a bored housewife who just found a neat niche that could be it too yeah there's there's many possibilities we can write all sorts of fanfiction our theory initially was that she had that wedding dress that she never used yeah so she went ahead and found a use for it with with her her little dog peeper now let's explore the inside of the house with gwendolyn oh god oh god gwendolyn showed up she wasn't even invited i heard there was a party it's my house now [Laughter] i'm commandeering this party who are you are you sticking our silverware under your dress princess gwendolyn has a dog named peeper who would rather be anywhere else what colors do i really really like [Laughter] [ __ ] out of here is she a princess or a fairy girl she's a princess she's a princess she's modeled after the fairy godmother she's a fairy princess oh god the mixing she's very much like um she's like a good witch just enough to avoid copyright rules just enough she doesn't have the same she even has the same scepter yeah and she has this weird cooing thing that she does when magic happens yeah her voice is a little annoying and a little phony just a little hello princess and hello dear friends welcome to my castle oh it's definitely phony because she she breaks into her real self in the outtakes oh i see i missed the outfit oh no that's not her real voice i think we all know that okay hold the magic wand and twirl around place it on the ferry oh [ __ ] you missed oh you're stuck you're stupid you're very bad at this and you'll never amount to anything hear you ugly girl just starts insulting everybody but she says it pleasantly yeah you're what they call homely you might marry but probably not your real voice is okay i've come here to entertain your children i love cool i need cash up front [Laughter] they have isn't that a segment of the video towards the end where they say like the payment to your entertainers for your party well this was a really interesting thing that we were trying to figure out through the whole video actually yeah it was just that we were like oh is this a pitch for her yeah it feels like the whole video is just oh princess gwendolyn hire her for your parties but there's not a big no endorsement at the end just like you would expect it really is her intentions may be sincere of just like hey your kid might want to have a fun princess birthday party yeah so spend three weeks cutting out stars and putting them on the wall yeah throw tinsel all around the floor get your alcoholic husband to help out just three weeks if you know if you don't have anything else to do maybe she was maybe she started off as like you know the equivalent of a fairy princess party clown going to kids parties locally and now she's trying to expand her business or she's trying to find a way that she can stay home but expand the idea of her business sure through this to to sell to other people to be the fairy godmother that's a good point this is this is step two out of a three-step process step one i'm i'm i'm for either a former porn actress or or former failed soap opera actress but i have gained experience gained experience i've done some local parties in the los angeles area davenport davenport area as a as a princess party clown now step two create a video and create an uh a trademarked product a brand brand thank you that's princess parties is that the brand yes and then hire much much much younger women to show up to kids birthday parties as the fairy princess to to host as under the prince princess gwendolyn trademark i'm princess gwendolyn it's a very interesting idea but we're still missing that from the video don't forget to decorate the halls he's faking it you fraud oh no not on the carpet just dump some [ __ ] on the floor whatever the [ __ ] gonna clean this tinsel on the car up oh what a nightmare ashley even taped cut out stars to the walls of the party room uh ashley did i'm pretty sure dad did ashley also placed the balloon weights that mommy and daddy what the [ __ ] is that jay would you want to cut out that many [ __ ] pastel stars the dad in this video definitely didn't want to hell no he was downstairs you know what jesse i think they cut out so many stars and they showed that angry dad who was clearly drunk that he had his t-shirt tucked into his shorts something was wrong with that guy with the print with the princess party executive package all those stars come pre-cut a team of seven or eight people come to the house and hang them all up and a team of seven or eight drunk dads come to your house and do it yeah they have uniforms important thing is you are doing it yeah but it's a bunch of other drunk middle-aged dudes with their shirts tucked into their shorts sounds awesome they show up and they hang those [ __ ] stars all over your living room and then they spill that tassel all over the carpet it's a [ __ ] nightmare so much glitter she she makes it look so [ __ ] annoying that you you will pay to have somebody else do it transfer transform your house into a pink and purple nightmare for an extra eight hundred dollars we get rid of the glitter after gonna say you think she's got a contact with stanley steemer to come in yeah that would be the better business is cleaning up all this [ __ ] after the fact it wasn't princess ashley's birthday party fun people and i had a wonderful time really nice people you did you [ __ ] behind the couch and we didn't tell them princess gwendolyn she has her own castle it's a real castle oh yeah it's got a it's got another dimension in there um yeah yeah the door opens [Music] you suppose she drags that with her to the party she would do i was thinking about that because it's like that's a prop somebody made did they make it just for this video i have a third theory oh no she created this video as a ruse to make it look like she was famous to spread this video around to get rich parents to pay her specifically even though it's not it's not implicitly implied they'll go who is this wwe gwendolyn she has her own dvd exactly you know where i'm going with this yeah she must be something well let me contact her privately okay well the video says that you know you how do you know things you should do when contacting an entertainer i wonder if princess gwendolyn does entertainment you know where i'm going she doesn't offer her services but maybe since we have so much money darling we could contact her privately and our daughter's dreams will come true when literally the actual princess gwendolyn from the video shows up to her princess party for 24 000 and she shows up it's a miracle darling we're the richest people in davenport iowa let's just call princess princess gwendolyn printed a hundred princess gwendolyn priced a thousand of these dvds yeah and drove from davenport iowa to the hamptons and left them in all the coffee shops and wine bars and men's bathrooms men's bathrooms and then drove back to davenport and just waited for the phone i'm margaret and i live in the hamptons and i'm a 14 year old daughter i've got my puppy he's named people she needs a princess party come on boy me and me husband are willing to offer you fifty thousand quid to come and dance around for my daughter's party and my husband would like to have his way with you after the party that's where she really makes her money yeah that's called the cleanup so then she pulls up on the rusty pickup truck with like the plywood castle jammed in the back [Laughter] that castle in the backyard now when i do my business with the mister of the house bubba you wait in the pickup truck with papers well does everyone know how to play pin the magic wand on the ferry he's very tired he peeper wants a knife you let him sleep don't you wake him he's a tire boy wait why does why does devon the devonport iowa accent sound like i don't know iowa should sound like my accent because it's i'm i'm from very nearby is peepers in like the front seat and bubba's like in the back seat oh yeah oh it's got to be an extended cab to pick up you bet your ass bubba's riding in the in the back holding on to the he's all on the castle mama slow down all the way from davenport up to the hamptons mama this thing's made of foam board it'll fly out and a gust of wind well hold on to it bubba i don't know oh now it blew out over the highway we got to make a new one go to home depot mr peepers lost the stars again mr peepers got carried off in the storm star's blown out all over the place no trail of stars pastel stuff stopped by the sheets i want a burger it's like simon says okay but you have to do whatever it is that i ask you to do if i don't say the good fairy sis then don't do it okay she makes twenty thousand twenty to thirty thousand for the children's party for the children's prayer and an extra five for the happy ending you know the the mystery of the house you mean the happy ending like when she leaves the party and all the children are excited because they had such a magical birthday party oh yeah that's that's what that's what you mean that's how it's reported on the tax returns but the daughter gets a princess party as does the dad he gets his own princess party is that his fetish yeah it's a very specific clientele wow you know what listen i don't i respect her completely you when you find that niche and you go for it it's a specific niche it's like a double niche and and and she knows exactly where it's at and you know she's hosted thousands of princess parties be sure to ask the entertainer first can you tell me about your experiences as an entertainer all right uh well we normally when we do the wheel we do three videos yeah but we do whatever reason we did three videos but then we have a fourth well we didn't we didn't think there'd be much to talk about with safe food attitude yeah we got more out of this with the discussion than we did with turtle dreams oddly enough but we we thought we'd need more more more discussing more more you know who's we yeah don't say we they're gonna they're gonna move down to the groin the inner thigh do you want to take this video home [Laughter] i was not in favor of this for the get-go basically mike all right and i largely i i don't even think that's true he just wanted to watch the elderly massage video so much he wanted to make us watch the elderly massage videos that's what it is so we watched massaging the elderly when sometimes the hair is not shampooed as often you may accumulate a dandruff and if this is not come off then it may even get a little scabby i was really hoping to get massaging the elderly why because it's called massaging the elderly yes there's a picture of a butterfly and it says geriatric massage techniques with dietrich von meisler hi i'm dietrich miesler i'm with daybreak stress and pain control in guernsey eastern california and i would like to introduce you to a tape that is about massaging elderly former you don't know that that's our own fanfiction [Laughter] cooper's in that video that might as well be it's possible we don't know we're just making [ __ ] up he escaped fled to south america learned the the techniques of massaging the elderly and then moved to sedona arizona while he made vhs tapes instructing others how to put lotion on the backs of elderly men and yes yes it's throughout the video if you have a corpse with tiny whities on this is what to do with it yeah yeah until today you can practice on grandma [Music] again hear the colon is going down going down on the side and here we lose it it comes through oh grandpa was gassy quite hard listen i had i had i i i had a four count uh you know concern for this video which is neck back [ __ ] and crack i got three of them although we did leave the room at a certain point and that's important to point out this could have happened it could have happened while we were out of the room the only one that was left was mike uh we weren't watching anymore no there was we all gave up pizza and i wanted to go have that yeah butterfly wings are touching fluttering against the leg now my reasoning was to first of all stimulate the skin and do very gentle moves that might possibly initiate blood flow i i i peeked in occasionally but can we can we all agree that hold on can we all agree that until today no one has ever thought about how the elderly might need a massage yes yes yes yes because we can also agree that none of us wanted to see the elderly getting massages we don't want to see the crack we don't want to see the taint oh we definitely don't want to see the feet oh those feet um but you're talking about a tarantino antiboner those feet can i just say something to the three of you yeah we saw this those those nasty elderly feet with with the fungus infected toes the deformed toes and and i just want to say that it's in your memories forever mike you do realize that someday someday very soon karma is gonna hit you like a freight train can i also say to you the image of the elderly crack and the deformed fungus ridden toes are in your mind forever why is it you instantly forget every other movie you've seen 10 minutes after you've seen it but every single [ __ ] image of the elderly massage video is apparently burned into your brain can you explain this i just want to know like why it went between the tidy whities and the towel over the tighty whities sometimes from the same like scene or perspective it would change that towel would disappear listen he had to hold down his boner at one point yeah he had to have his oh yeah he was touching his dick yeah that was that was uncomfortable yeah when there was a little kind of a little down into the the d'angelo area as i like to call it it's kind of pointing you down in that area you know we saw the the old lady who said that that she had trouble with in her vaginal region and then i cut right to the old man again and was like okay come on hallucinating things i i think this is mike yeah this is what he wished was in the video we had we had we had we had uh the german fellow telling you how to push the the the poop around and yeah that was the most uncomfortable and not press on the bladder don't press on the bladder the bladder is right here up here on this side is the colon get the poop out but not the point you can you can move the pooper that was the belly that was the belly yeah he was showing you the direction to to massage the belly to get cold it feels like it feels like a lump of coal and you can push it through this elderly man but don't go near his bladder you don't want him to piss you just want him to [ __ ] himself yeah but i don't know that was true that's his last poop why are we talking about this but i don't remember anybody any woman having a problem with her vagina like i don't he doesn't give up that's the main thing i've found with him it seems like he really cares about it was beatrice that was chapter six uh uh the the abdomen maybe this is after we left the room oh my god massaging the alzheimer's patient did we miss that part no this is other videos fine massaging the alzheimer's patient rub them till they can't remember are we sure this isn't a series of fetish videos no i'm not i'm not sure of that at all massaging the penis [Music] the pain is now concentrated this just makes me sad where are you going richard i don't know jay don't let him leave close the door jay don't let him leave run rich run yeah and then and then you made us watch that and then you made us watch this so many men were done after princess gwendolyn but that's but you were done after beside the elders yeah you you weren't done you had a ways to go i'll open the magic door of wishes and dreams don't forget the lady who just got out of prison work release who couldn't get the job at the grocery store who had to take the job massaging elderly is she the one that's hanging out with the serial killer guy yes and then the serial killer guy the guy with the mustache who's who's covering his erection with his hands who's there for god knows what and he's there to learn how to massage the elderly those are also interesting characters other than heinrich von the former jesus who escaped south america under the guise of being an elderly masseuse to escape war crimes aren't are you getting what i got out of this video is this going to affect your monetization [Laughter] i don't know what the rules are on youtube anymore the robot the youtube robot hears more than twice it starts to affect her or they see footage of an elderly person being rubbed [Laughter] we're done for our entire channel is going to be nuked from existence i think it might just confuse the algorithm enough to cause it to not know what to do we're going to cause a short circuit and the whole system will collapse all because i'm back on board i'm back on board we're gonna bring the whole system down baby scanning for content scanning for cut what the [ __ ] we're gonna we're gonna get a flag for improper cooking of raw chicken [Applause] no improper food food preparation jay okay you watch this video sort of and and now you find yourself in a situation where you have a bottle of lotion a pair of tiny whities and an elderly man and you're told to massage him what do you do i call you and i say no come on over you're the expert you're clearly into this i'm leaving rich entirely yeah rinse is gone god it's not even shark exercise you know what because he doesn't want me to ask him he knows he's next [Music] what if they say my inner groin is really hurting me you know i'm not a doctor and that's something you're going to need to take care of yourself well you're a massage therapist i'm not well you're practicing to become one no i'm not the man wants you mike's writing fan fiction about josh right the man wants you to make sure his grundle is not sore i'm not paid well enough for that okay [Music] pain that you can see is considered a varicose vein actually only any any vein that is collapsed so that it is raised and that it collects blood as i pointed out on the booklet there is a great variation among old people of the same so jay what's your choice for best of the worst uh oh it's turtle dreams that was the most entertaining all right mike what's your twister festival um i think it's how to host a princess party you have to pick this because the only reason we watched it is because of you no i watched it out of curiosity wrong yeah we started out of curiosity but you made us continue to watch it i was hoping it would get more awkward and inappropriate i all i wanted was that old man in his underwear to flip over and kind of like spread his legs apart and start massaging his taint and i was really hoping for that and and it didn't happen it was just boring so princess party is yours my my vote is princess party see massaging the elderly already served its purpose of making us miserable and after that mike was done with it yeah yeah uh rich evans what what is your choice for wrestlers tonight i i shockingly i'm going with turtle dreams i'm not shocked with that at all being being some of the most jaw-dropping cringe embarrassment i've ever seen the fact the fact that somebody out there can take this and themselves seriously is amazing to me josh what's your best of the worst i gotta admit it uh initially it was gonna be turtle dreams but uh once we came up with the back story i'm with the princess party oh my gosh it's really it's just there's so many levels there that we could dig into like prince turtle dreams as much as actually actually i pretty much admired it for its existence not that it's good it's bad but it's very surface it's just it is what it is um can we do something to massaging the elderly yes let's [ __ ] destroy it [Laughter] [Music] no what oh [Music] what the [ __ ] [Music] how long does this go on for okay what the [ __ ] is this oh my god one two three [Music] one two three you

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 1,858,068

Keywords: redlettermedia, red letter media, red, letter, media, plinkett, half in the bag, mike stoklasa, jay bauman, rich evans, wheel

Id: o4eSVXCzRyI

Length: 70min 32sec (4232 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 19 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/dosp5]

I found turtle dreams. Now you too can "enjoy" it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBlnrRUVfo0

[u/MauldotheLastCrafter]

Not a single person here has remarked on Mike's pulled punch with the "Rich, don't tell stories about your mom" joke. Gives a whole new meaning to "That's staying in!"

[u/[deleted]]

Holly shit, I actually sent them that copy of How to Host a Princess party!

I cant believe it's actually on the wheel and they watched it!

[u/edrenfro]

It's kind of funny how they mentioned The Big Lebowski during the discussion of Turtle Dreams since Meredith Monk is on the Big Lebowski soundtrack.

[u/Guysmiley777]

I can't believe Jay pulled that actress from Sleepaway Camp. That boy ain't right.

[u/Tarlcabot18]

The zoom-in on Rich's face while Josh is laboriously trying to explain "Turtle Dreams" with Josh's voice fading out and the fade-in of the turtle dreams people wailing and shuffling back and forth got a bigger laugh out of me than I was expecting.

[u/NeoNewSawatari]

The ending sequence with Rich destroying the Massaging the Elderly tape was perfect.

[u/[deleted]]

I saw that massaging the elderly tape and knew what was gonna happen

[u/MutantstyleZ]

that clip of Mike peeking into the empty viewing room has a lot of meme potential