Best of Clarkson and May on Have I Got News for You

[Applause] good evening good evening and welcome to have i got news for you i'm jeremy clarkson but don't worry i won't be talking about cars so climb aboard fasten your seat belts let's get the show on the road in the news this week after 150 sausages disappear from a butcher's in leeds security footage reveals the prime suspect as the presents are unwrapped it's another disappointing christmas for the nephews and nieces of jk rowling and in london ken livingston accepts there may be a case for providing more street urinals he lives with this little three foot eleven henchmen knick-knack remember it was played by jeffrey what is it villa shays whose performance let's be honest as a [ __ ] sidekick to a psychopathic egomaniac did inspire the career of richard hammond i think jeremy clarkson's been in the news he's come out finally has he died no no you were looking positively animated in london one man proves that riding on the pavement isn't the most annoying thing that a cyclist can do time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication of caravan times the amazon has some interesting views which he can see but you can't as you're stuck behind it and we start with richard hammond's what was his most successful ever does it attempt to be born did he drive a caravan caravan drive it's caravanning holiday to cornwall oh richard hammond likes camping so much he's now bought a volkswagen camper van and told caravan times i shall spend the entire summer in it that's only because he couldn't reach the door handle to get out and there's an embarrassing moment at a london soup kitchen when staff are told to feed anyone who looks like a [ __ ] the north korean embassy is actually a semi-detached house may not look much but with off-street parking it's actually worth more than the north korean economy it's quite difficult for him to be behind anything these days it's quite fat yeah it sticks out to the sides really um okay you're not in a very good position to make that remark there was a rather large picture of you in the press over the weekend humor actually you know the second leadership debate is happening right now over on sky brilliant scheduling i think there for the bbc it's brilliant but there's nobody there i just go [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] there's nobody according to the published statistics the statue of liberty has a 426 inch waist or as americans call it medium time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication gripping stuff magazine in which network rails adhesion working group discussed the best method to avoid train delays through falling leaves obviously got a copy here substantial mag all be condensed into three words use a car how much is it costing to make british tanks battle ready 85 quid per tank more 90 are they allergic to sand these tanks and the submarines do they not work they're all in dry dock because health and safety say they're dangerous they're it's a nuclear power hunter killer submarine this someone could get hurt we're at the end of three months of tedious campaigning leaving us free to look forward to six months of tedious campaigning before obama becomes the first black man to lose an american election hillary clinton still hasn't conceded defeat unless you're watching the saturday repeat in which case she still hasn't conceded unless you're watching the mundy repeat in which case she still hasn't conceded unless he's watching this on uk gold which case was she good as a president despite not wanting to be photographed the queen has been highly visible somewhere else this week do you know where it is stamps yeah would you like to see some of the damage it did yes now i don't want to be boring but that in the back that's a dodge dragon i think there's challenger in the middle grand cherokee on the right so total there's about three and a half dollars do you does it actually go faster price yeah 120. push it off a cliff what dries up berlusconi no it's drying drying what does that mean where is your new machine for drying leather oh there's a picture of it there thanks very much that's great james may have been knocking one out to that yeah i like the audience look at this you've got freddie flint off if he was able to take up murdering what was charles up to in washington he was a meeting of fruit heads anonymous no [Music] well yes three cases he was talking through world problems with george bush what is itv2 you will find out soon enough you have no idea oh you stuck in the 1930s man has just been paid 160 million pound for his new series so you can do whatever you want i am sitting here with an erection while you are anyway are you certain it's amazon prime and not amazon pass their prime i think it's one of those questions you need to know about cars yeah to deal with so we need an expert jeremy have you got chris evans phone number i am not allowed on the bbc to use the c word corbin oh god i'd be right in saying that motoring journalists sort of knew this story all along didn't they about the admissions test i don't think anybody knew that specifically there was a bit of software in it the story i do know that one of the major companies was testing a car while driving a car passed a man from the government to test how loud it was because they have to be within a certain amount of decibels and as they knew it was going to fail so as they got close to him they put it into neutral turned the engine off and coasted past him and then he was given that you can sell this you know when you said you weren't allowed to talk about cars yeah you're gonna do [ __ ] sack me under mugabe inflation's spiraling out of control a loaf of bread currently costs 200 million dollars a banana currently costs a hundred million dollars and zimbabwe tv's who wants to be a millionaire isn't quite the hit it once was so here we go with howard i'll kill what badgers kill [Laughter] [Applause] it's late [Applause] tomato catcher moves too fast it is not allowed to leave the factory it cannot travel at more than 0.028 miles an hour that's obviously an average speed though because as we all know it travels at naught point not not naught miles an hour on the first ten shakes and then a thousand billion miles into your crotch because they've never told us they feel pain i don't think foxes feel pain no fox has ever told me that it felt pain when i ran one over the other day on purpose [Music] i could have braked i chose not to and following budget cuts at battersea dogs home management unveiled a new cost-effective way of dealing with abandoned puppies people protesting in favor of the guy that threw the shoes no i would imagine so yes that obviously is correct it is of course the incident of the suicide bomber so we got the footage of the ship of course we have the footage let's have a look at that yes [Applause] [Music] who'd like to see that again here we go here we go look at that he's ready for the next one he must have two i think i do know this i think it's somebody protesting about proposed road pricing yeah you're right from next year um the government has allowed certain bits of britain certain times and so on to go ahead with pilot schemes whereby you pay per mile and is that a bad idea road pricing pay as you drive is fair if in the event of some road works and you're delayed you get a refund yeah this is the sad demise of rover the closure will have a knock-on effect on industries related to rover cars especially manufacturers of boiled suites beaded seat covers and veldunkin cassettes one way of ripping people off in the motor industry is to weld two different cars together resulting in so called cut and shunts whereas with rover it's not so much cut and shunts as shut and company directors now the tricky thing is if you've got a rover what are you going to do for spare parts [Music] now that a technical term yeah have you ever been to a garage because that's what they'll say but isn't this your fault i haven't read a great deal about this story no i read a letter in the paper and it said the only reason rover's gone bust is because jeremy clarkson sneers at rover cars and has done for ten years and has single-handedly destroyed the market for rover i saw that and what um what do you feel about that well you don't like to take all the credit dude you took the words right there anyone see the redesigned logo that's been doing the rounds they have the right answer they've all lost their jobs in the last week apart from james may who was fired from auto car magazine so long ago he can't remember why apart from the fact that it did involve the word ass but it really must be top gear the reason i was fired from autocar was because i was the production editor and i edited together the road test yearbook and it had 101 car tests each beginning with a big capital letter and i rewrote them all over the course of several months so it spelled out a huge long message and the message said something like you might think this is a really great thing but if you were sitting here making it up you'd realize it's a right pain in the air and he was fired after some readers spotted the hidden message and wrote in thinking they'd won a prize that's right we uh we contacted the editor of autocar to see if they might have a copy of the magazine he said i know you guys i know what you do and i don't want to be pilloried if you think you can find the magazine then good luck to you but i'm not going to help you make us look stupid here he is i didn't know which way to go i um i took her some ice cubes and i just left them outside for a little while i decided i'm gonna have to get my own data because i mean um after a few hours they had melted but not completely yeah so my research is inconclusive i did a similar experiment because i keep being told by people who have read the guardian that morning that uh if the ice caps melt that means there'll be more water in the sea in east anglia which is coincidentally where a lot of this data is coming from will end up under water so i put two ice cubes in a gin and tonic and waited for them to melt but it didn't get any higher will you send your data over to me later i think you take reggie's work on a little bit further because you've added gin and tonic to basically the ice cube method here so i think that's a very interesting protocol you're standing on the shoulders of giants but heinrich hurts you know he he merely identified the electromagnetic wave and then it was for other people what's happened to the wax work of ian duncan smith at madame tussauds let's become leader of the conservative party they put a string in his back you pull it and he goes the answer is nothing how do you get these exclusive stories new conference in brussels eager delegates clamor for a copy of the latest health and safety report i've had a theory for a long time can glaswegians say burglar alarm oh here we go i'm just looking back in primary five here yeah can i say what the law yes burglar alarm i was going to say something about a fox but i thought better of it because the last time i did that the police came around to my house and cautioned me on this show i said i ran over foxes for fun and you just said it again haven't you so we'll move on from the box andrew there this is how do you pursue it quite a long way on one occasion yeah quite some well it had eaten david beckham which is one of my chickens i did have wayne rooney but the dog got him [Music] or her because they're all hers right okay except for charlotte who's the cockerel anyway well it's sars it's ours it's the world's least frightening disease because 90 of the people who get it are fine and the only ones who die the ones who are treated in jungle clearings my geography's not too hot how many jungles are there in beijing well there's a wood sars isn't scary that's the most important only in the daily mail is it scary where everything's scary yogurt is scary i think it was a canadian pr stunt to get on the news we've got it yes we've got it we've got we've got stars here look how important we are we're so important people come here with sars that's what i think so canadians aren't one of those small bits of humanity you like jeremy well i don't know does anybody know a canadian no you see nobody how can you have another one over there and then the girl next to put your hand down the answer is black according to scientists uh black is a flirtatious color and when a woman wears black she's implying her availability to men especially if she's just buried her husband james which school did you go to was it a girls school or [Applause] they had girls in it which is what made me turn out as well as i did yes it was a modern comprehensive yes we were the oigs we didn't have any shoes we didn't have feet here's super storm sandy which hit america's east coast this week according to the daily mail at superstorm sandy's most powerful moments the wind speed hit 98 miles an hour ought to put it another way not quite as fast as a toyota prius [Laughter] thought it was prius but yeah i know it's because you're foreign as indeed is the car yeah it's actually canadian the batteries well the nickel in them which is then shipped all the way on an oil burning ship to norway where it's turned into batteries and shipped all the way to japan where it's turned into the car and then it's shipped all the way back to britain where morons who think they're saving the planet by it but there was a report this week as well wasn't there saying the arctic will be gone oh that's just crap um mainly because of you now listen on your channel on your channel okay did you see the great global warming swindle on channel 4 recently uh yeah yeah it was very very funny but you clearly took it seriously one of its arguments the thing i've really enjoyed about it is one of its arguments was that a rise in temperatures um due to sailor activity of course nothing to do with people's range rovers causes an increasing carbon dioxide rather than the other way around now do you know the producer of that show guy called martin durkin got an email from a scientist who said uh to put it bluntly the data you used in this program was wrong to which martin durkin replied you big daft cop that's fantastic you see that that's the sort of academic debate you like isn't it do you enjoy the good weather we've been having this week yes it was lovely there you are then thank me according to the guardian the ukrainian government is very worried about cities like um then so the u.n is sending a emergency consignment of vowels prescott some of prescott's friends have been leaping to his defense one of his ex-advisers said mr prescott is a workaholic working 16 hours a day seven days a week two weeks a year one of uh john prescott's colleagues told the newspapers on tuesday mr prescott was coordinating the government's response to the indonesian earthquake they told him not to jump off the chair again and yes while it's true that giving a talk in the uh the hey on y literary festival last week i foolishly joked about driving through a london tunnel at 186 miles an hour not something i'm proud of attending a welsh book fair but a really interesting bit of the story that wasn't reported is that the bugatti veyron the car i was driving at the time it has a w16 engine which is made of two narrow angle v8s single crank so that powers four camshafts yeah this is the story that millions of air passengers face a summer of chaos at heathrow this story at least explains why you're not allowed to smile on your passport photo so they can recognize you after four hours queuing at terminal 5. according to the daily mail passengers have faced delays of up to two and a half hours i don't know who's to blame but whoever it is should be taken outside and shot in front of their families some secret footage okay nato troops during training emerged this week these are french soldiers okay preparing to fire new sort of missile launcher for the first time what's great about that as well as the cameraman obviously completely fell over laughing what i love is it things that things are no better on the other side if you look at this perhaps we should all give up this war thing a lot of us are very good at it the guy who you can hear laughing in that clip okay he obviously said don't look give me the gun i'll show you how it's done okay here we go these weapons are dangerous i i honestly do think we've reached the point as you say we've now evolved to a point we can't do war anymore we're all just rubbish it's good excellent following the success of honda's low pollution hydrogen oxygen fusion engine larder proudly unveiled the technology behind their new eco-friendly car [Applause] and at a primary school in northumberland class 2b here that education minister ed balls is making a surprise visit they had the timeline of a killer okay 1992 the fungus begins its journey across the earth 2007 the fungus hits france 2009 it spreads to italy 2010 the fungus arrives in germany on the shoes of an asylum seeker they didn't actually say that last night weren't you in the caribbean with um prince harry keep going with that and you'll discover what it's like to have that right up you know who's gone so you were then i was in a region of the world where prince harry was yeah but that's a tennis court we're bringing down the region a bit i have played tennis how did that go i won in my mind don't listen i've written about it all right okay oh really all right i'm gonna tell this did you know you sold your story how do you think the queen's reacted to your friendship with prince henry i couldn't give a flying [ __ ] [Music] you

Channel: incT

Views: 512,903

Rating: 4.9257722 out of 5

Keywords: top gear, the grand tour, jeremy clarkson, richard hammond, james may, have i got news for you, best of, HIGNFY, funny moments, top moments, best moments, give me views youtube

Id: M6HnLND97Ug

Length: 24min 52sec (1492 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 06 2021