Have I Got News For You, Another Full Boris

[Music] hello good evening and welcome to have i got news for you i'm boris johnson in the news this week at the white house the president tells the journalists that the press conference will have to wait until he's finished thanking the gardeners [Laughter] in coventry the stick with a bubble on the end of its shortage begins to bite and on holidays in the bahamas as his wife pauline gets caught in a dangerous current john prescott springs into action with with you and his lop tonight is a virtuoso musician who experienced the worst excessives of the rock business and following drink problems and a heart attack thought he'd reached his lowest point until he appeared on countdown please welcome rick wakeman [Music] on paul mertens team a gm tv presenter who was offered the chance to work in america but says she turned it down because the programs were old-fashioned and the presenters hair styles were weird but i can't see the problem there myself please welcome kate garraway now um paul and kate this is the first round what's going on here right um but obviously this is the victorious england rugby team uh back in england parading the trophy around this is them going down let's get rid of the mbe doesn't want that if uh there they are there's the rugby there's one of the most brilliant aerial shots you'll ever see uh there are more crowds more flags fountain trafalgar square if they were footballers the cameras would be around the other way um they're trying to wonder if he can fit the queen into the cup give it a go the corgi's not interested go on put them in there go love it all right i'll go in she says and are we stopped at the wrong moment so that's what it's about it's spot-on in other words it's about the rugby yes it's about the it's about the victorious the victorious english rugby team receiving their uh due uh celebration yes uh are you rugby phone boys i i am yes i am did you play the game at eaton i did yes i did and i did did you play i'd eat no no didn't we play you didn't we didn't you yes you didn't have an away match yes you eat and played so rugby did you beat it 35 points to two i beat you i'm not surprised you are anyway uh paul is quite correct it is all about the the rugby so i said that already yeah yeah yeah can i ask you a marvelous moment of self-awareness there boys said that before but it's a very good answer okay moving on ian and rick is your [Applause] i was very strictly given to understand that i was in charge i've got some very important questions to ask you about these celebrations for instance the how did the times describe that parade um the times a murdoc owned newspaper australian owner um sad day for australia yeah no no victory parade in old london town very close very close they said it was a sweet natured version of the nuremberg rally and who who was invited to uh the dining street party but was treated rather shabbily i think by the prime minister or one of your tory ladies yes um i can't remember her name off and she's minister for whatever you're not minister for there's many many things which i don't think was it julie kirk bride it was you know well no i was just checking whether you knew i see do you not think you're outrageous that uh absolutely yeah well good yeah okay rick and ian here's yours well if you want to if you want to scrap this brand uh no no no no no it was outrageous yeah i was gonna have a big big blare-a-thon or something to celebrate him personally winning the cup um and the idea was johnny wilkinson wearing a number 10 shirt appeared and tony would say number 10 you see winner winner [Music] and everybody rumbled him and so michael howard had to go to the party give them a bit of a scare actually it was after daylight no and they all went lots of tories went and charles kennedy went and the queen had her own reception and everyone got a share yeah and it was there were no arrests at all 750 000 people not bad going so there's a lot of people that need it to turn out to say which is ten times more than turned up to protest against george bush but then until you armed police they're stopping you were there good point it is a slight difference and also people i must feel good there's something to celebrate rather than bush coming's a bit of a downer really there were there were tons of armed police actually now come to think of it as i tried to get through on my bike they were that was just for you yeah there was it was alert right it was actually pc galloway uh was was really rather wrong well pc4916 galloway was really rather high-handed actually did you say do you know who i am no i didn't i was ashamed i have no idea myself perhaps he could have told me um no i i didn't but anyway he uh anyway he wouldn't let me go uh on my bike and how did we get to that anyway you're quite right did him get onto the next round what happened thank you you were on your bike you wanted to go into the central center of london and he stopped you uh he did he did but uh anyway he was um anyway we we sorted it all out anyway if he's watching now i wanted to say no no no hard feelings having publicly accused him of being high-handed he may have thought his number wrong i may have gone into oh well well anyway so there's a fire in your house i hope you're not the one dialing the number every 20 seconds anyway yes pcc gather [Music] [Laughter] it evaporated very very soon but apart from that incident with you on a bicycle there was no there were there was no there were there wasn't there wasn't anyone so the only troublemaker was you is that what you're saying please not bother the top of them going to cycle up nelson's column you describe my bicycle as a lethal weapon you lie in charge of it boris anyway i'm sure he was right in every respect um right now like a lethal weapon does it have knives that comes off the front of it it's it's um are you a suicide cyclist actually have you ever if there's a very tricky bit as you go down trafalgar square yeah and your and your you you say you've come down from the uh charing cross road yeah yeah yeah and it's absolutely unclear yeah who is in charge you know which who's supposed to know who goes to go which way isn't it yeah to think people accuse tony blair of trying to hijack this story here's a question about the uh about the rugby business yeah good good now let's have a rugged question yeah who um who learned to send text messages during the rugby world cup ah queen wasn't it it was yeah to whom did you send those to prince harry apparently but we don't i don't think we know what she said though if there's anything like me texting she could have said anything have a great have a great win or something wasn't it and and he said my nan says he said to the team my nan says we'll have a knees up at the palace when you get back they're learning the vernacular they're all good but presumably she congratulated well she said something like good show or something yeah you [Laughter] that is that's the answer to that it was the queen and um what here's a question what happened to johnny who's a human being is your go what happened to johnny what happened to john when he was driving back to newcastle well he his car came off the road and he said it wasn't very serious but several tabloid headlines said that he cheated death and wasn't it 70 miles an hour though which is quite serious to hit a tree isn't it 70 miles did he hear it 70 miles an hour the tree was doing 40. so it's actually all right but you can buy bits of the tree now yes one of the papers has got by johnny's miracle tree splinters like the bits of the truth cross yeah um goody well he cheated there yeah and um you're allowed to cheat i think so yes no no no no worries there and what did he receive on wednesday uh at mbe correct that is the correct answer it's this week's victory today for the england rugby team the england team had their picture taken with the queen after which skipper martin johnson said it'll be a unique picture with that dog in it a bit more respect jacks according to the mirror england's matt dawson gave the crowd a laugh by telling the story of how he wound up the australian airport staff by setting off the metal detectors with his winner's medal there he wasn't smiling a few minutes later as they all lined up behind him with their rubber gloves taking tea at the palace johnny wilkinson declared being on the bus was one of the greatest moments of my life to which the queen replied what's a bus sorry under auntie roy auntie moyle you're rather unfair i'm sure she's just above she has any room upstairs yeah uh now uh you'll complain as if you're not the one reading it out well this is a bit like the queen's speech this uh this this whole event isn't it really i feel anyway you just read it out you know her majesty's loyal government ian and if you read something out that you don't agree with could you give us like a visual signal well i think when i gave you a sort of vague indication yeah just wave your hand yeah what make a whistling sound the queen could do that she could join the queen's speech couldn't she well she did we'll abolish fox hunting well i don't think he'll manage to do that no no and rick this one is for you right have you really got a bike yes i mean a push bike can we run this again we missed it sorry this one's for you ian and rick this is yours this is not this is not what you think it is because you see blair's smiling and brown isn't because blair what's it say there ignoble i thought it might what he's actually done he's just sent round to brown's house he lives next door a vicious vindaloo curry and there you see the after effect terrifying i like the split screen it's like the persuaders it was delivered on a bike by um what was the persuaders no no no the curry oh right sorry we're still on the curry i've i'm way behind here well so was brown after that sorry what's this about curry edwina and madras are sort of a link oh yeah well then i didn't see it when you were a major in there were they there no they weren't no excuse me are we ordering curry i'll have it i'll have a chicken curry i think sorry could you just sort of uh summarize your answer to this yes um it's it's not specifically to do with curry right what is the answer the answer is that was blair and brown and this week the fact that brown wants tony's job came out in the open again and um brown said i support everything mr blair says through the gritted teeth and tony had to say the fact that gordon wants my job is not ignoble oh i mean it is pretty hurtful yeah i think he's headed to tony i think it is quite hurtful i think he'd be rather cheesed off if brown didn't want his job wouldn't you oh do you think so god you wouldn't want that job would you just about it's all about to go over labor it'd be quite right you heard it you heard it from the editor you heard it from the editor of probably dying there could be no higher authority than that nope just teeing it up you i hadn't realized um thank you you're quite right it relates absolutely spot on i think you have to get a couple of points that it relates to blair and brown and the eternal cain and abel style battle for mastery between the two of them and the question really is why is this all coming up now why are we hearing so much about the mortality of tony blair's premiership because he's crap i wouldn't descend from that um there are health issues aren't there there are health issues what in particular is ailing the prime minister um killer coffee which is okay wherever he goes people are saying would you like a cup of coffee and he can't always turn it down he often comes on gmtv doesn't he that's his favorite we've been on recently yeah really did you notice anything funny about him no no no no but he was encouraging gordon brown to come and gmtv a lot as well because apparently he told he wanted all his cabinet to go on gym tv rather than today program because the idea being that today program people already interested in politics whereas gmtv they may be less so and he was really sweet what what are your viewers interested in have you had boris and his bike on funnily enough we have never had friends with your bike no no no no no no no no i'm more into actually there's this very interesting question of the prime minister yeah very interesting well i think it is i mean why is why is he thought to be ill um because he looks terrible because he he's had a heart murmur and then he had a stomach cramp and um no that was the point i married cherry you normally have any anti cherry no jokes um oh no it's not to be that it's it's it's to do with the fact that everyone hates him his party and showed him what he was you know when he that terrible something sure what the problem was it was this was in the observers the only paper to carry a time apart from the spectator the problem is trapped wind um do you know that we're back to the curry again that would solve the club so rick was actually right yeah his initial instinctive analysis of the problem i thought was very curious is that story true though it is he's got trouble because the the if you remember he was he was very out of uh the response the queen's speech the queen speech debate in great pain and the docs came round and uh bulletins were later issued from the from the kremlin saying you know that uh the the problem was very very minor and it later emerged in further in further briefings to the sunday papers that this was trap wins whatever whatever trap wins it's just the shot for blair of going into the house of commons isn't it he must be he thinks where am i what happens in here all these people are rude must be magic on the front bench is that why they all wave the papers in the air like that now did you also notice that a particularly um shocking photograph this week we appeared in the guardian which i hope we're going to be able to bring to you now there you go and now if you study this photograph very closely there's something particularly emetic about it and i want you to tell me what what it is is he got the seat belt between his legs by accident gordon brown's sitting very unusually for him in in the back of his um he's got a red tie on is that what worries you no there's something behind him can you see what it is it's a it's a teddy bear yeah why is that in medic he's got a small child yes i suppose that's true no i don't know i i hate to question your editorial judgment boris but that strikes me as not too bad you think that's quite heartwarming do you i was neither warmed nor cooled by it it's it's just why does he have a why does he have a teddy bear in the back of you know a pool limo which is taking him to the pre-budget report well presumably if the child is ever in the limo he can get the bear out i'm sure on your bike you've got a selection of soft toys ready for any of your many children to hop on the handlebars trip up trafalgar square with daddy to meet some friendly policemen well anyway i'm delighted ready that uh that you know you're you're less stoney-hearted than i am really i thought i was i thought i thought it was a bit much because it struck me maybe i maybe i'm too cynical but i thought it was a bit odd that a two-month-old baby should have a teddy bear and that this teddy bear should mysteriously turn up in the back of uh his father's car as he was on his way to actually occur maybe maybe maybe i'm being too sensitive maybe maybe it's my fault for not having given my children enough teddy bears i think you were too busy did you have a teddy bear when you were young but i'd be ridiculous yes yeah but you can only see half of the parcel shelf the baby could be on the other half the bear could be an asylum seeker all right anyway well there you go obviously obviously the bear picture attracts widespread support yeah well i just thought it was a bit uh bit of a bit of a spin but there you go you obviously like it there you go all right fair enough by retreating in disorder on the on well done you're dead right ian and rick this is this is indeed the battle to see who's going to be the leader of the opposition after the next election asked about the increasing speculation that he's plotting to oust there they've got it asked about the increasing speculation that he's plotting to oust tony blair gordon brown said you have to take it with a large pinch of salt which is advice he's been giving to tony blair ever since that heart scare one person who really does care about tony blair's health is cliff richard who this week revealed details of a phone call in which he offered the players the use of his holiday home in barbados saying it must be terribly difficult if you can find the time to go feel free to use the place although the clincher was i won't be there paul and kate back to you right more aerial shots this is a motorway uh this is probably the uh well that tells us there the m6 is a new toll road has opened up and uh there are the cars uh experiencing the frigeon the excitement the sheer pleasure of in two quid over what's that somebody's driving a trainer so it's two pounds for the person who moved and then you can drive all the way to walsall do you look at it look are you looking at me if i'm wrong no i'm not you're absolutely right it's to do with the opening of the new toll section of the of the m6 yes yeah i said that but a bit more fluent you're whipping me up into a coma boris i've noticed something about you but when you came out of makeup about five minutes before the show your hair was immaculate and then you must have just done that are you living up to your public image i think it still qualifies fine anyway [Applause] it's qualified as a spider i just wondered why you changed it you look like you just got off a bike well anyway there's no reason for that there's no reason that i can think of anyway he well there may be a reason i can't think of but the problem with that reason i can't think of it now he was well worth it he taught us there's a did you study philosophy like me or did you just think you studied philosophy how can i know indeed like any of us know how can anybody know so the answer is it's the english english thing celebrating the world cup victory i've confused you haven't i you're all right you're right about that not not a difficult task trying to sort of engage a kitten with a ball of water it naturally must go for it so yes is the england rugby world cup team uh celebrating their victory and and they gave me every pot they gave me every assurance of this wouldn't happen again toll road yeah and what do you think of the toll road you used to used to report on on traffic and travel and what have you i did yeah god that's good research yeah well apparently it's working tremendously well at the moment yeah it's going very well it's going very well nobody's on it but i don't think they fully opened it yet so is that the idea of a toll ride for it to be empty i think you're supposed to have that luxurious free driving that you get on the continent where they only have a fraction of the population a lot more land so i think it's probably less to do with money and more to do with that but when you end up with everybody on it and then the m6 being free uh you see you see the floor you spotted the floor they do with bypasses don't they yeah exeter had it exeter in the 60s had a bypass the bypassed exeter and then they built a bypass to bypass the bypass and then they built a third bypass to bypass the bypass which went straight through the middle of exit actually it was about 80 miles away because it was around birmingham it became that tall one well could you an interesting thing about this about this toll road is also that it has a very important new facility for badgers do you know about that yeah it's a badger lane like a cycle lane but it's a badger lane you got a stencil badger on the street and the badgers go along there going to understand that they've gone to great lengths and the taxpayers of this country have gone through i know what they've done they're so magnets to the side of badgers so as cars go by they stick to them about 40 miles later almost there's an even better way of saving the badges like that are they paint in the morning using them as cones are they yeah no no no no they've built a little tunnel underneath the motorway brilliant they've been more than that they built ten separate they're not exclusively for the use of badges i suppose suppose if you're in a piece i don't know how big they are anyway would you would you would you use one on your bike would you go through a batch of tunnels if it was free if it was free yeah i think so you're saying if your badger tunnel was free you would use your bike again i wasn't obstructing a badger yes would you obviously ought to have powers oh so you don't mind no no i think it would be wrong for me to take the you know to block the the path of the needy badger but you know what i don't want to block a badge's passage is that what you're saying is that what you're saying out of no circumstances here's one for you can you pass the following centers badges badges badger badger badges it's a perfectly grammatical declarative english sentence is it what do you just put some hyphens about people you don't need explain all it's like dogs dogs dog dog dogs yeah it's very similar is it like cream cakes cream cakes cream cakes that's entirely different badges badges magic bad badges do they have to say that before they can go through the tunnel sweetness of your of your update it's a it's a very it's it's exactly the same grammatically speaking as men women love love women right yeah if you just put it that in it becomes clear men vote women love badgers what badger badgers is this what you did at university i had maximum grant yeah oh dude yeah that's fantastic yes 3 000 quid is cheap for that they teach you ian at the university he both went to oxford didn't you yeah but that wasn't on my course wasn't it no the you can't do it with batteries i think he's ready for morning tv i think i think it's really interesting no you're right are there any other questions not related to badges no um yes there are excellent speed it's a funny bit of paper uh it's about speed it's a ticker tape parade for you boys quite a modest one i think someone's been rolling joints in the rafters have you noticed these little bits of paper keep fluttering anyway um what was the question it was about 10 minutes ago it was about speed cameras and uh speed cameras nobody's mentioning speed oh speed cameras here what about speed cameras are there going to be any speed cameras on this new stretch of toll road no really because badges only do about 20 miles an hour and if they're going one way underneath it's all right have they got they got a timer like they do in america so that when you go through when you get through to the other end if you arrive there too early they've done you for the badgers you mean for the oh for the uh i haven't thought of that smart but there aren't any speed cameras on this one there aren't there aren't but the fact is that gordon brown is making an absolute packet out of speed cameras and it's an iniquity personally is he and buying bears for his children i expect let's all have a big boo for that bear i don't know why there's such overcome with the milk of human kindness yeah there you go it's wonderful it is christmas okay all right well i take it all back about the bear and uh and uh and the badger it's the england world cup team they've won the rugby yeah okay the answer to that is that gordon brown is or rather the treasury to be strictly accurate since ian springs to the defense of the chancellor the treasurer is treasury is raking in huge quantities of money from these uh glorified dick turpins uh called uh called speed cameras and uh and uh and the the one of the best things about this toll road as you rightly say is that there are no speed cameras on it which brings us to uh the next item yeah here it is yes what is what does this say is it says that this is britain's first toll motorway are we talking about this for still we moved on to badgers and bears then we're going back to motorways it looks good this bit okay going in all right okay right pretend to be the queen again yeah wave if you agree yeah this is britain's first hole motorway which allows drivers to drive around birmingham rather than through it that's got to be worth two pounds of anybody's money the new road stretches for 23 miles through chase water heath and the forest of mercia offering splendid views of gridlocked poor people hooting at each other on the m6. [Music] according to the guardian the 27-mile motorway was originally proposed by margaret thatcher's government in 1980. so there you are you see it was our idea unless it doesn't work in which case it's theirs local radio presenter phil upton lavished praise on the newly opened midland expressway enthusing it's a nice shiny new road i think mr upton you're looking at the canal ian and rick this one's for you um oh is that the winner of the turner prize is that a transvestite no that's the transverse start isn't it no oh that's christopher i was in this world it's brucy yeah he married a miss world did you uh no i didn't marry a miss world i i i one of my wives was a miss something well as the case has yet to be heard um no i i'm uh miss bournemouth i'm married really yeah yeah but she didn't go all the way through to become no the tide's gone out now no no we have that was uh that was one of my one of my three wives yeah miss bournemouth i i did in fact uh i i went to a few beauty competitions i actually was one of the judges on the on the last um this world that was was in england that they held which was which i it was a such hard work interviewing 72 of the world's most beautiful women it was so tough um but i managed to get through it couldn't stand up at the end but i managed to enjoy it what was your line of questioning how did you get into the subject of their beauty how did i get into them well no how do you raise the question of their beauty how did you what did you how did you what was your sort of the morris is keen on a few tips dictation speed if you will well it didn't really matter what you asked them you could ask them about philosophy or life in general they tell you that they like horse riding i mean that was basically what happened but they were all very nice used to what the thing was interesting used to go out for dinner so they'd all be around having dinner and they were absolutely brilliant they're all pushing the food around the plate and absolutely eating nothing it was quite amazing so you used to go around can i have your potatoes and things like that this was a bit of a scandal i mean there were suggestions this was rigged this contest because it was not the one you judged no no the one there's no no i was i i could certainly say that nothing untoward happened when i was a judge not before anyway now this was christopher berg's daughter rosanna davison why she's called davidson i don't know won the miss one to be a true miss world she's either going to go with jim davis or george best and i suppose he becomes lady in bed then doesn't he [Laughter] never mind but the bookies took a tumble for about 100 odd grand or whatever it was because the the odds dipped or something didn't they because they said there was something funny there was something funny going on yeah but we're not allowed to say that too emphatically because i think we're allegedly isn't it but allegedly there was something funny going it hadn't been edged it was in china and this is proof that china is so modern it's reached 1972. bruce is there no no we're a modern country now yes yes yes he was the judge they didn't used to have beauty contests did they what they said it was uh degrading and yeah that sort of thing interesting i went entirely wrong but that's that's but it's funny because that's what we say now isn't it not if you're a judge you're done i'll tell you it's interesting there isn't how the sort of what's the word i want i don't think i don't think there's anything [Music] of the reversal of maurice on the one you know 20 years ago uh the chinese thought it uh you know off you know degrading and so on to yeah and um there's nothing wrong with them having a beauty contest so i think it's nothing worse than building a tunnel for badgers under a motorway that nobody wants to use i i i could not fail to disagree with you less [Music] well i'll tell you what boris you can sleep with a badger and i'll have mr jamaica really i didn't meet mr knew he was miss jamaica good good luck and anyway listen i think they've got the right answer haven't they isn't really the yeah fate of a miss world to end up with some superannuation footballer was that the height of it sorry i'm just talking to your next superannuated footballer george best i don't think he's still playing boris is he sleeping with mr maker is he um where is he coming care in the community i think that's right it is actually um i i think that's right anyway you've got you've got roughly roughly speaking the right answer can you see do you know that chad christopher yeah i do yeah is he is he quite good he's all right yeah he's done he's done very well for himself produced a very beautiful daughter and that will help his career along a bit as well actually at the same time you know what's your favorite krista berg song oh you're asking me at the impossible there because there's just is he quite good crystal bird he came in and played on gmtv actually he's a little fellow but he's very sweet and sweet yeah pretty charming good yeah good he says okay good well anyway i think we rather dodged that question by the way about uh what you're what his face i don't you know you do know you know lady and red you've said that i know a lady in red yeah yeah yeah okay boris what's your favorite rick wakeman track [Applause] it's the one about um it's the i tell you what it is it's the arthurian thing you're right yeah yeah is it called the arthurian thing rick well on the reissue it will if you've got a plug for six million viewers it could be called the youth after you yeah i mean i think he said the youth theory of the thing then it was it was it was the author it was arthur and all that yeah camelot and oh nice we did a beer and stuff that's it yeah and we did it on ice yeah did you really yeah did it was a nice show because they uh i was told i couldn't use when because i had to get leave the ice up for a nice folly so i said we'll do it on ice so i built a castle in the middle and put the orchestra and everything on ice and it was really good until the third night because i had all these guys dressed as as sort of arthurian knights with hobby horses we had all the dry ice around and there was 25 on each side and they would go around and fight and then kill each other simultaneously and all fall over and the audience would go go mad and then on the third night unfortunately one of the guys was ill and it never really occurred to me i thought 49 nights is as good as 50 until unfortunately they all went around and killed and there was one guy left all on his own it's on film it's hilarious he skated around for about five minutes and the conductor david measures going on playing [Laughter] [Applause] entertainment was so much more simple i've seen lives of arabia all nice have you seen that nice have you seen it it's very good we've been going for an hour now boys that surprised you okay this is the major international news story of the week apparently miss the miss world contest has been won by christopher berg's daughter the miss world contest held in china was televised live and according to the organizers was watched by two billion people which type chinese tv bosses said was disappointing but there was football on the other side touching her check for sixty thousand pounds the newly crowned miss world said i'm thrilled and delighted now i'm looking forward to a year of excitement travel and working for various charities you want it baby you don't have to say that anymore you can go and spend it on shoes [Laughter] macmillan was a fan of frank zappa miss ireland's victory was tainted by accusations that the result had been a foregone conclusion a claim furiously denied by a spokesman sorry i'll speak that again a spokesman who said there is no truth in it anyone can see why she won she is stunning she is personable and she is amiable adding just like next year's winner miss holland so at the end of that round the scores are for all okay this is this and so did the tabloid round paul and kate here's yours or you love yao try that again try that again with a birmingham accent i love you yeah i think this is ozzy osbourne has the osborne's falling off his hair doesn't it just blank look again boris um i must kill the prime minister i headed the spectator i will tell pc galloway to go and stop it i will not do that ah well he will kill the prime minister i thought you were doing well so he was born has had a bit of an accident he was on his quad bike he was driving around the grounds of his house and there's one of these he's quite dangerous these these vehicles i think is somebody giving the keys to a car but have you seen him when he's trying to open the pet food for sharon's dog he's all over the place i think she was away wasn't she she was she was away she was out the country so uh he was playing he was playing around i think and he hit a log or a tree or something and went over backwards and got quite seriously hurt but he's okay he's gonna be all right he's he's uh a couple of vertebrae have gone and uh and stuff but uh they think he'll be able to um he'll be okay in a new year so he his brain's intact yeah yeah as far as we know he's all right yeah and he's a part of yours isn't he he is yeah he's good friend of mine is he because he's one of the greatest characters there is you've probably noticed sharon his wife told me that when they went to new york city in his heavy drinking days um she had to go and do some business and she was terrified that when she left him in the hotel room that he did get paralytic all the time so she told the hotel take the minibar out nothing to be served to the room and as a safety measure she took all his clothes away left him naked in the room and she came back at four o'clock and he was legless she complained at the hotel this they swore blind that nobody'd been up there this happened the second day and on the third day she came back and he was legless again lying naked on the bed and she said aussie i give up no retribution how do you do it he said it's easy once you've gone i'll put one of your dresses on and go down the transvestite bar i mean the man's a genius you know what he by what means he achieved notoriety in 1981. uh well there's a few things he first of all he bit the head off a bat and then when i think with cbs to try and calm the situation down organize this big press conference to get aussie along where he was meant to apologize and he was going to release this dove white dove of peace into the room yes and yet that and all he's not vegetarian aussie would you bite the end of a bat boris you're thinking about it only if i was trapped in a badger tunnel for that only mean of nutrition my only means of survival yeah okay yes so he's fallen off a bike it was front page news yeah and didn't the prime minister send him a get well message yes and so did the uh health minister i think as well oh isn't that pathetic celebrity falls off bike and they're crawling everybody else goes in hospital there's no mention at all you can't even get into hospital that's probably why yeah yeah that's what he said he said this is what john reed said despite the criticism that we see from week to week there are people who are presently using the nhs not least ozzy osbourne i'm sure all of us wish him a speedy recovery there you go another heartwarming uh yeah anyway that is this is this is aussie osborne who's had a prang on his ever ridden a quad bike yeah are they dangerous do you think yeah they are if you go down a hole or a you know just even a small hole they'd turn over what's the appeal of a quad bike necessarily i mean what's that i mean if they're dangerous things why not just sort of isn't it for rich people to ride around their property on because they don't know what to do of an afternoon yes and then they turn it over and it's the recurrent theme in the news the next stage on from the bike well why are they called quad bikes [Applause] abbreviation of quadrophonic four quad what the quad you know like quadrilateral what is it well that's that's just the suffix isn't it yeah it's the prefix i know i just said that you changed the suffix for say quadrilateral oh i see that yeah laterals or something so this is what it's like being oxford you might use a quad bike in a quad might you but anyway i think it's uh i don't think that's where they come from is it no but what about quadricycle it's obviously quadricycle and i'm surprised that uh yeah but on that ground bicycles would be ridden by bisexuals wouldn't they point that out it's like a tri-ring boris i'm sure you did those that's right anyway we i think you've you you've got the right answer you've got the right three banks of oars too much information rick it really is yeah this is about ozil's born who had a prang on his quad bike aussie may have only hours to live said a doctor back in 1969. the ex-black sabbath singer was heavily sedated he then got onto the bike and drove it into a tree tony blair sent a get well message to the singer but according to the mirror the israeli prime minister went one better still no word from yasser arafat sent a get well message to aussie osborne i for one myself hate it when politicians try to boost their credibility by associating themselves with aging rockers as does my pal break yeah now dear bbc ddg ddg ddg i think it's the deputy director general the bbc has appointed someone to look into its complaints a sort of corporate okay and robinson figure and you can write into him if there's anything you hate people drinking water in the middle of question you can complain to this man called mark byford if you say why is boris on all the time um any of those questions you can write to this bloke and he'll sort it out okay and i'm not sure why it's come up as a question have you got some problem with this no there's no personal agenda going on here what's his name again byford byford they're two of him i like the way i tell him [Applause] no why do you why do you think he's been appointed though really what's the real what's really going on um to look after complaints i should think after yeah yeah it's probably to take the take the heat off him i should think off of him i would think probably to take the pressure away from from dyke who's not the most popular man in the world at the moment is he really that's right it's all about the uh the the i think the government trying to take the is it the governor the bbc trying to trying to avoid you know trying to you know wriggle out of out of blame for during the whole huddle but not actually that i think that the bbc has much to reproach itself for over i'm sure he's relieved to know that you're backing him all the way [Laughter] i thought the gist of it was right and the government were up tonight so uh campbell has resigned um he didn't presumably resign because he'd done such a good job on the dossier um so i thought hurrah for someone or other good this this as you as you rightly say in is the news that the bbc has appointed a new deputy director general and launched a diary to inspire i forgot to mention that oh drast no you just that's right now i've now mentioned it i've now mentioned it the the the the when you mentioned it you then said i forgot to mention that but you had actually mentioned it the mentioning of it reminded you that you hadn't mentioned it but in fact we've mentioned it hence the reminder that you haven't mentioned it there are some things we know that we don't know [Laughter] and there's you this is the news the bbc's appointed new jersey director general and launched a diary designed to inspire stark one of the mission states in the diary reads we are one bbc or in the case of bbc three we have one viewer another of the bbc mission statements declares as an individual i recognize that not everyone is like me and my friends quite say lots of conservatives pay their license fees too now the bbc is also trying to avoid promising it sounds like english it sounds like there you may be jokes in there but you're skimming right through a lot of them there's a perfectly good joke there really it was the word conservative the bbc have just appointed a new deputy director general who will scrutinize all bbc programs for offensive material according to the times mark byford is noted for his attention to detail jolly good luck to him [Laughter] could you could you read at the end hang on a second no i read that out but you didn't read that right i read the whole thing out and i i read exactly what i was i was uh i was asked to read and and like the the the queen in the queen's speech i will not deviate from the text that i have before me we're that there we are at the end of round two a very tense a very tense round i mean yes this is a triumph for the triumph of hope every experience isn't it anyway um at the end of that particularly tense round in which i have to confess that the auto q did get uh get on top of us i was right it's the royal weed i was quite right at the end of round two the scores are as follows ian and rick so congratulations to the perimeter all four of you the odd one out round is next paul and kate odd one out round you've got to get to watch your ones out see i've seen the show i've seen the show okay right the clue the clues in the title isn't it there's only one odd one out right can there be four i'd one down your four are silvio berlusconi yeah the queen yep michael howard and the mrsa superbug that's the bug that's in the hospitals at the moment isn't it the one that's resilient to all sorts of antibiotics and it's apparently got filthy dirty hospitals and it's out of control and the queen looks like she's got some kind of stomach bug there isn't she looks deeply unwell and didn't still be i might be massively limbing him but didn't he get accused of bugging someone's office at some point it's absolutely brilliant it's brilliant it's not it's not really accurate but it's is it that was i think is it completely wrong uh well according to my i think you should say it was right there it's just this is just i'm on the other side with boris it counts as a tory vote my own name is creating that by the way uh lots of people are voting tori yeah it's everybody now good stuff there we go and we we can like have i got news for you this is a quiz i know you want to go home paul i'm sorry but he just seems to think no no i don't want to go home i want to keep the momentum going all right well i'm going to tell you the answer no i know the answer hang on a second we'll have a go here we go we think the answer is bellasconi he's the odd one out hmm interesting isn't it i don't think he is what do you think i don't know so i thought it was on twitter because i thought all the others were right if i give you a clue yeah go ahead it's to do with with cooking cooking oh well the queen you see um doesn't do any of her own cooking does she right um whips up a nice egg chips um but we don't know do we is it immunity because it's like a good idea though berlusconi is immune you're not allowed to prosecute him for corruption say he'd been guilty of it yes because he passed the law saying you can't the queen you can't prosecute her regina versus regina it's not a big case no she's going to win michael howard he's immune because you know he he died years ago stake in the heart possibly but um and the superbug which is also immune so the odd one out is i've lost myself there almost impeccable answer save the save that you fail to find an odd one out one out because michael had he's not immediately michael howard well michael howard is the right answer but uh for the wrong reason it's actually to do with with garlic the interesting thing is that um i don't remember why it's all to do with garlic uh it's because i'll tell you exactly the the the queen oh that's right she says no garlic in my food correct does bellas gonna hate garlic berlusconi hates garlic it doesn't like garlic and who else and the mrsa superbug is is deterred by garlic oh you're kidding if you hang it around your neck it's very good for your garlic garlic garlic is just the job for getting rid of the mrsa well that's the first useful bit of information we've ever had on this breakfast and uh and and there you go um uh have you lost something boys now what he's lost is some joke about michael howard garlic and and being one of the undead that's right no no sorry you said that's right on the contrary the whole point of this the whole point of this thing is it demonstrates that he is not one of the undead because the whole point about the undead is that they react adversely to garlic and he loves it and he loves the stuff not only does he love it but he he uh he encourages his wife to prepare it for him in uh in in various ways he proves it and so that proves that is why an end time i think you should have your own radio station voice fm will you just tune in just try and listen to you construct a sentence where the traffic traffic reports are advised out there you couldn't even understand the perfectly ordinary english sentence like badges badges excuse me now uh how did how did john read the nhs the health secretary react to the uh discovery that um the mrsa supervisor is killing everyone except with garlic yeah he did what the government always does he appointed an infection czar yes with a huge infection directorate to recycle pieces of paper and tell each other that there might be infection and then sacked some nurses presently you did and what how did he spell s-a-r-s that is right yeah actually he thought it's frozen he's built it the american the american way now uh the answer as you c-zed c-z-c-z-a-r right as opposed to t-s-a-r t-s-a-r as in a sar is born now oh i was born under a squadron's arm which is exactly what happened under this government i mean there's a jar for everything that's right yeah that's a very good slogan yeah i was born under a squandering tsar yeah the tory party is alive are you an anti-garlic no garlic's great stuff no it's very good for their heart yeah that's right the answer is uh the answer is that they all hate garlic except for except for michael howard who despite the lamentable attempt to the tabloids to make something in his family's remaining roots eats it in a special soup as i said prepared by his wife according to the times michael howard will eat anything including tony blair for breakfast so you heard it here first is that joke in private eyes in this week's issue it is yes i think we've all been there ah have you done that joe no we we had a picture of michael howard saying british cannibal named and then he said i'm eating tony blair for breakfast it's the same joke in a different order well i can assure you that i had absolutely no i knew there was no plagiarism no no i would i wouldn't dream of accusing you of anything so calculated you couldn't possibly plagiarize anybody else there is nobody like you you are unique well it's very kind of to say so anyway paul conscious as i am of your of your your your pressure on your time i'm going to i'm going to continue by saying that just the audience some of them want to go home today i'm trying to stop this program going out live [Applause] he says he associates garlic with boredom and death so they get delia smith in italy too i don't think she's worried no all right no no claiming he'd been misquoted in a recent interview sylvia berlusconi said it was the end of a very long day we had a bottle of champagne do you know what's going on here you know they absolutely i want to tell you i didn't want they wanted me to say that almost more than anything else i didn't mind there you go no anyway you've got a terrific story out of him silvio's mother sylvia's mother is very important in sylvia's location oh i thought that was a reference to a 70s hit song well it was all right doctor hook doctor did you ever meet them uh yes yes or him it's a hymn yeah sorry i'm losing the will to live here i do apologize i'm so sorry i'm sorry we'll we'll we'll speed up your four r margaret thatcher tony blair donald jr amsterdam hussein um well only one of them is working in a call center in baghdad [Laughter] he's on i think he's on one of the 118 numbers or perhaps it's railway timetables anyway it's nice to see him working one of them's dead the others aren't yeah this is about that statues about statues statues isn't it that's not that's not monkey around it's about statues margaret thatcher she was decapitating her statue and saddam hussein's statue was pulled down yeah donald jewett there's going to be one of him in the scottish parliament there already is one actually oh there is one that's been defaced that's it and tony blair is the odd one actually hasn't had a statue put up to him yet or been pulled down correct absolutely spot on i can't unprovable answer no very good excellent one by you saying it's about statues and looking over at them at the same time even though it was our our dear mister nasty mr boris johnson cheated i was trying to i could have you could have you could have left him with the right all i said was statues you could have left you were looking at them when you said statues and and i normally take it when you have eye contact that means who you want the answer from you see rick you're talking to boris the normal rules of human engagement have been torn up anyway one by one again i have a surge of adrenaline so they're carrying through the end of this sentence by god he'll get there do you mind if i just limp over the finishing line of this sentence and uh and inform you that you're quite correct uh paul and kate it is indeed about statues and i want to ask you why tony blair is the one out um because he hasn't got a statue to him yet but why not um is there some rule about living people aren't allowed to have statues mrs thatcher said yes but that was an art exhibit though wasn't it no no the answer is that the cherie was very frightened of the the work done by the the sculptor in question and uh she was very frightened oh by an earlier work that he'd done of something else oh yes and she said no we won't have it then but there will be statues of him do you think so yeah controversial opinion well would you would you subscribe to a statue not personally no i wouldn't i've quite enjoyed pulling one down thank you um now on the donald duo front i've got a question to ask you about donald jewett very good someone quite rightly said that he'd been vandalized who was it i said that well done yeah yes why in what way was the statue vandalised um was paint thrown over it no egg thrown at it no no something to do with something none of you is wearing moustache no a frock of the type worn by the turner prize winner a truss sorry no um it's a pair of spectacles in paris because he was what he was and uh and his periscope has been pulled off him four times and the child or rather a supporter of the child who who vandalized the last pair of spectacles said um uh they'll be doomed before the knights oot and if they're not i'll eat my baseball cap that's what he said who was that william hague let's face it it could have been anybody stars of screen television and radio um anyway so we got the right answer then you've got the right answer and i'm indebted to you for that uh well done well done ian the answer is they've all had their statues vandalized except for tony blair whose bus was commissioned but then cancelled as sharif found the sculptor's image is too scary to look at and i'm sure the feeling was mutual [Laughter] [Music] well don't read them out no i know how can you stop it there you're the it's an old-fashioned thing called keeping your mouth closed just say um before the invasion of kuwait american diplomat howard metzenbaum visited iraq and told saddam i've been sitting here and listening to you for about an hour and i'm now aware that you're a strong and intelligent man and that you want peace adding and if you could just remove those crocodile clips from my testicles i'll be on my although way war is over there are still pockets of resistance involving ardent supporters of sudan who are defiantly welding mini statues on the helmets of unsuspecting u.s marines [Laughter] vandals have attacked the bronze statue of donald duer five times leaving his glasses crooked and dented at a cost of 400 pounds a time simple answer bronze contact lenses next so as we head towards the final round the scores are looking like this paul and kate you have eight points and ian and rick you have only six months missing words is the final round featuring this week's guest publication bottled water world this month's edition comes with a cover mounted slice of lemon cake perform cake you get the you get the first five uh so here we go with what's the secret of staying young falsifying birth certificate injecting yogurt keeping fit drinking lots of water bottled water yummy lovely bottled water is that right bj is that right close you're not running news this is not from the guest publication is actually the answer is apparently being middle class is the answer according to the daily mail builders and laborers are more likely to fall victim to heart disease respiratory disability and mental ill health which is what daily mail readers call a feel-good story [Music] what could be what what could be bush's big idea is that actually the answer what could is it a trip to the moon moon rocket trip to the moon on gossamer wings join the dots paul's got it paul's got it the answer is moon project george bush is going to invade the moon yeah that's where those weapons are hiding up there in the sea of tranquility you can't trust the moon it keeps changing shape and he's puzzled by that and sometimes it's a crescent yes russian uh this is absolutely right your rather your abs whoever whoever is right is right george bush is keen to make a spectacular announcement in the build-up to the election according to the independent other ideas being put up to the president are a war on disease and a global initiative on hunger so moon project it is there excitement as what enters its final stages sorry nears its final stages blue peter advent calendar it's in his third and final week is it is it this edition of icons [Applause] [Music] [Applause] is it something to do with cycling no it's the european bottled water federation is entering its final stages there you go if i had to be part of a european bottled water federation i'd be pretty excited it was coming to an end next scientist says what are a waste of time stopwatches that was a very good james bond villain look actually wasn't it i could see i could see you just like yeah maybe yeah have you been approached from the new james bond film you've been a very good villain really i i i'm going to i'm going to do something i can't remember what it is i'm wrestling i'm going to take over the uh thing big thing is you know where we live well that's it well i mean who's stolen the cat where's getting and you've got the it to the question yeah yeah is it ant and deck carbonating water no it's not it's not actually from the guest publication it's the answer is that most drugs are a waste of time dr alan roses an executive at glaxo smith klein admitted that many patients derive no pace no benefit from their medicine so according to dr rose's the drugs don't work i think you'll find that observation has already been made by the verve next machiavelli was actually what left back for juventus i don't know um was a really nice bloke it's new research saying machiavelli wasn't unpleasant at all he was he was a sort of boris johnson of the early italian state he was a good man he was a good egg yeah he was and that's not that's not quite the right answer nearly though it's not good egg so it's not from the spectator then um machiavelli was actually liberal democrat it's something like that isn't it very close uh but better than liberal democrat he was wise and good friend of yours no no no no no no no all my time next is it's yours okay oh i'm so sorry i'm so sorry it's not this world you don't address all the questions [Applause] why not can i offer you what sir something for the weekend can i offer you a knighthood sir you're clever no but you wouldn't say sir would you that was preemptive and if you had the sword on you and in that split second during the command the answer is a glass of i cannot offer you a glass of canal water sir which is the headline in our guest publication uh bottled water news or whatever it was a long time ago the world of bottled water i'm no expert on canal water but if i were you i'd avoid the fizzy stuff i love the way these jokes take you by surprise some of them are quite funny actually yes i've lost an admiration for i think the writers would love the way that you're delivering them next native americans ride native american women theme park in disneyland oh bottled water bottled water franchise motorbikes they ride round and round the wagon screaming until john wayne shoots them ride bottle wave the bottle bottled water surf but always bottle water wave ride that they ride above the waterway yeah absolutely right they they ride the bottled water wave he's very popular stuff but for many native americans you can't beat running water him heap powerful chief which brings us brilliant crashing crashing over the touch line uh to the end of tonight's contest and the final scores are as follows paul and kate congratulations you have 10 points and ian and rick bad luck you've only got eight [Applause] [Music] yeah so i've been trying to go as quick as i can very much but i was hoping to play the whole dumb blonde theme you've got several answers completely right if i may say you've been considerably kinder to me we've got to stick together boris i know you've got to sit here you know um but before we go there's just time for our caption competition only just time really have to have if you want to abandon it no i can't wait let's give it a go are you sure we do it anyway let's do it hung for a sheep this is ours first of all paul and kate what's this about a busy christmas period means more part-time taxi drivers do you know the way to buckingham palace no not a clue there is a right answer to this is there who that um is and what he said to the queen and then what she said back oh let's crack it uh get that i'm not going south the river this time of night you must be joking you'll stink out the back with the kebabs [Laughter] hey terry that caden livingston you're off get on my tits what do you reckon of arsenal's chances to championship this year do you think they should stick with far far tall she's jolly well informed about all the subjects you've mentioned yeah her majesty she really is she and uh and i'm have you ever met her uh yes do you think you might remember that one no i didn't want to brag i was instinctively going to say yes but i had to check were you confused with sort of i licked a stamp once you weren't sure um but not the queen uh you're quite right well i think you anyway your captions are all very good ian and rick rick here's your one [Laughter] anyone for golf anyway indeed i think it's a boris confusion it's you saying you won't catch me in a broom cover slow play on tennis court leads to office being built around boris position with the racket is the spectator i just can't remember what was going on somebody walk into your office one day give you a tennis racket take a photographer and just disappear i've never explained it to you thank you very very much on which note we say thank you to our panelists ian hizlock and rick wakeman paul merton and kate garraway and i leave you with the news that in surrey doctors voice their concern as the press tracks down george best's new girlfriend in healing filming begins on the remake of prisoner cell block h and in washington there's a tragedy about to happen as a new convert to rugby prepares to demonstrate johnny wilkinson's kicking technique good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that was even worse than last time no no no no did you have a good christmas [Laughter] i'm sorry ricky it just it's just sort of borious to get through it all and they kept saying you know go to your school it's all right boys we couldn't really go any slower okay well actually you've all saved us because we don't have to do a show next week now that part one and two it wasn't worse than last time you underestimate how bad it was the first time if you like that sort of thing you want to do that one again just this one okay i really think we should have next week off just about boris part one this week yeah part two be a cliffhanger absolutely will you get to the end of the sentence tune in as boris says i uh what was it with them that would be brilliant yeah this is usual we always do uh retakes at the end it's uh it helps the edit okay [Laughter] i haven't got much to play with tonight i see it's a mini series it might be worth asking boys just to say happy easter just at the end the organizers of miss world obviously deny all allegations that's a lawyer lawyers that's called lawyers must keep yep yeah if you just kind of just kind of do it as a throwaway line rather than looking at scammers just kind of throw it out that's right i'm going to throw you a throwaway line that's telling boys as if every line has been straight delivery surgeon's [Applause] i should point out that the organizers might as well obviously say that it wasn't rigged at all that's okay that's dead that works yeah that works yeah okay not too many more not too many more so round two now yeah okay i'm terribly sorry no no no no it's fine it's fine my train's late anyway does the audience have to stay for this oh brother

Channel: chinesesloppyplop

Views: 173,897

Rating: 4.7368093 out of 5

Keywords: Boris Johnson, hignfy, have, got, news, for, you, funny, gameshow, have i got news for you, 2005

Id: ei0KmWnVnNw

Length: 82min 58sec (4978 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 19 2021