HIGNFY - Outtakes, retakes and recording trailers

good evening i hope no i'm sure it'd be lovely i'm just feeling a bit underdressed thank you i suppose my attire is quite distinct from yours perhaps over the course of the evening some of my accoutrements could make their way onto your body i'll get you a set of horse brasses what is there an opportunity to go for the levy at any point during this program how about now there you go thanks charlie if you i've know from experience that if you ever like people don't mind you weeing publicly but if they ever see the urine they're upset by that because uh i had cause to urinate once publicly when they saw the bottle they were deeply disheartened was that in the royal bharati show yes and the person that was disheartened was none other than her majesty the queen of england how long do you think you need russell well not very long i don't have to go now i just wondered if there was a natural break otherwise i will fulfill cool i i i don't mind talking for about a minute and a half so the camera stays on me so the other day i was doing a bit of shopping i thought to myself you know i haven't really got a cardigan it really fits me anymore so far what i'd do is i thought well i thought i bought them because you know this won't let us do a wee in a bottle apparently it's health and safe safety and something called decorum thank you very much very kind thank you that's right i can drink a lot of water when i'm nervous very exciting is this uh is this um a sort of showbiz going to the toilet no no no oh right he not used to really need a wii before speeches and i think it made him racist let's just keep going yeah should we uh finish the show yeah yeah have the change in time change the tie oh it's strobing it's strobing yeah yeah yeah there's a technical term i just had one cameraman saying to another it's strobes like is that good or bad i don't know might be good thank you um in all mr leggett spent four days in the lavatory his first words when he came out were in all mr leggett spent four days in the lavatory his first words when he came out [Applause] okay let's go this won't work now we did silence yeah right okay in all mr leggett spent four days in the lavatory and his first words when he came out were i'd give it 10 minutes if i were you [Applause] hiccups first then bear with us uh while we uh repeat some of these jokes and um expect you to laugh as much as you did the first time but if you do you'll be letting yourself down run sign when you start the retakes with good evening yes and is it necessary for the host to have his name written up good evening and welcome i'm jack d is that necessary well you know i've i've been known to introduce yourself as des leinan yeah i do that as well what is that okay good evening and welcome to have i got news for you i'm jack d in the news this week after a recent spate of thefts from the brighton aquatic center store detectives are confident they've finally got their man it is better with a picture in fairness they've got a bigger laugh about the picture this is a very intelligent crowd they're probably more of a radio audience that's a phenomenon i've got a bigger laugh wasting our time doing stuff in vision oh we're jumping right to the end are we yeah they're going to use the last one yeah okay yeah that's very good is that really all there was in and it's just that in this they've lost the ball to edit after 18 years don't show the pictures because the laughs are funnier really honestly and i leave you with news that as the election for london mayor continues boris johnson's transport advisor denies he's out of touch with the realities of modern life in the capital even though you're taking the piss it's wonderful [Applause] can you come back next week [Music] and in london in london get their names and addresses the next step is to try it without even any words we just sit here you don't need us why what are you doing here just sit in the pool like i'll shut up and in london one housewife discovers that there is something worse than opening the door to a couple of jehovah's witnesses that's got pictures department depressed doesn't it taking out the words next week we just sit there looking at them series 35 there was a breakthrough it was never the same after that yeah these photos have been holding us back imagine how many years would be going if we didn't have photos oh there's a legal coming up here now this should be funny of course in the interest of balance i should point out that there are others they uh now laughing not at the words at the mistakes yeah so we've moved on no words no pictures now i'm smiling and they like that as well a few words good evening good i hope you're all going to vote boris next week i said that in the interests of balance bbc is very worried that we might try and influence the election another four years of canon yeah i'm not happy with my glass isn't very clean you're right they're not are they no they're quite i mean none of these glasses are clean are they trying to kill us cutbacks this isn't even water [Laughter] yes certainly they're moving me to the right which is the interest [Music] i've never seen you so fierce about any news story i could tell you anything and you'd say yeah it might have happened elvis in london no it did not happen no it didn't i'm sure you're right it's just well it's the bit that toby still has to explain how elvis got from the airport to a taxi in london without anybody knowing and back again that's the bit he's having a bit of difficulty with having a stealth bomber yeah 1958 unless they were so secretive we didn't they didn't even know they had them and on a walkabout in london ken and boris are quick to react as brian paddock falls down a manhole notice it wasn't tommy and elvis the queen i'm a big fan of yours have you brought up these suede shoes when you follow the rocky bitty stuck out your pioneered in the sun studio dance or do you think we'll get more rock and roll [Music] why am i wasting my time doing this time now for the odd one out round just one between you this week hillary clinton bear grylls elvis and thomas constance elvis [Laughter] you've gone from not believing this story to trumpeting the very accuracy of it because he's the only friend of tommy steele yeah i have no idea whether it's true or not i'm just interested by i mean how mad you are but it's a mad story as i say because you know it's like saying well the most famous photographed person in the world came to a huge capital city and nobody knows about it and hasn't known about it for 50 years hitler lived in woking for a few years 33 to 37 yeah yeah setting guard and ornaments this is not my destiny these gnomes but they're stupid fishing rods we have no reason to believe tommy steele lied about this he went around london he met the queen the queen said tammy do you actually have a wooden heart i don't want an old man my kid is my little person what i don't know what the [ __ ] it is this is something that goes out on the internet just but you don't have to worry about it okay you'll be getting out i'll try to make sense hello hello hello i'm brian blessed and welcome to this special webby's i'm so sorry we'll never [ __ ] finish here we go hello i'm brian blessed and welcome to this special webisode edition have i got news for you yes a webisode well i have no idea you clicked on the thing you should know what it is now before we continue as an actor i need to know what my motivation is for doing this as far as i'm concerned it's so we can all go home so stand by to enjoy ian and paul along with this week's guests marcus brigstock and alan duncan mp and here's a blessed in disguise for you paul and marcus is it pole pot [Laughter] master strikes at an open airpool in dorset as the attendant starts hoovering the leaves before the last swimmer is out [ __ ] up here we go why is that a cue yeah that's right and disaster strikes to do yes he told jack straw it was like a holiday camp heidi high with drugs that cheap they certainly were i didn't write this i didn't like this i didn't want this to describe that in the middle of shakespeare this pun has there's a tremendous amount of snobbery about shakespeare in so many aspects of it when says john gill to talk like that's a john g national theater i used to goose him when i was there every day go down the corridors and goose the great actress jungkook you only be alone blind i'm a great actor he said to michael brown you know that brian blessed he's a terrible man but he's a lovely bit of ruff i think he was referring to your collar but he could eyesight the poles i mean well considering they're at it all the time no that's deafness you'll get death don't you could shag too much osama bin laden's son dave david i love it with these eggheads when i win you're a champ and you're not meant to win oh we're not going to win you've got these i don't get any points no did i say i would rather ruin the quiz since you're reading out the question and answer but but don't i say i mean you may not confer did i say that no i don't know you can say anything you love and and have i think the internet i know this story i'm not going to get any points now because you've told me you're not going to get approached but this is rather like swampy years ago when you will re-edit it and then you deserve it because your knowledge was so sensational thank you very much and i'm very very passionate to you i'm madly in love with you yeah but there we go i'm going to brace myself [Laughter] calling in love too what did you say darling you're lovely thank you i think you're gorgeous you're almost you're my second choice after well i i've got off you know you can't even remember me i'm now deaf in my left ear well you must be used to that do i fancy you like mad i shouldn't have said that i get terrible wind i'm completely losing my bloody way [Laughter] can i just say brian thank you for having us on your show this this is your chance to see some bits of the show that you may not have seen before maybe you were off making a cup of tea or something i don't know anyway maybe you're off making a cup of tea or something or stroking a cat or something i don't know on the bus cox we have a little belt pack that goes on the belt that's slightly bigger but bigger budget they just plug it into the mains here maplins 4.99 well well well what a great honor to be back right in britain what what is it now it's carl right just thinking it might be brian blessed again but thank god we did a radio show with him and he was just he swore constantly the whole time yeah it's just impossible to to control he said this is radio 4. it goes out by 6. have you got any other anecdotes brian well the last thing i was doing was to get doing the election of the london mayor and until seeing brian blessed i couldn't think of an alternative candidate to succeed boris and i think it's absolutely clear who should get the job now dude great wouldn't it yeah just put him on the bus is it clear any night more knife crime okay give me why are you gonna do a [ __ ] knife i've got to say something i've apologized in advance okay but this is very strange and odd but is it a legal note no it's it's i don't know what it is it's one of the weirdest things one of the weirdest requests i've ever been asked in television all right not all barn owls are called mr peters [Applause] what's your evidence for that whose name is tim benwick and in gloucester that's how i do it and in gloucester shaking hands i was thinking about doing that and in gloucester and in gloucester probably not that one then is that all right oh no it wasn't right if that one's all right i'll do them all like that round two okay okay we're off now because if i'm not home by midnight the wolves get restless [Laughter] goodbye [Applause] they want a few words for me yeah um penguin goes into a pub does it yeah and uh he says obama have you seen my brother yeah the farmer says i don't know what does he look like yeah well that went down well i'll go now did the penguin not want to tell him but it's how we do it what does less swearing and funnier mean it's a good thing it's been the show's motto since program one usually ignored do you think i'm going to get a punch in the face the way you stroll i'm sorry my caps here goodbye my capsid i just said that is it my cap's here goodbye that's what it says on the other skin my cat yeah but you said cap sorry did i say cat the cap's here my cab's here your cat's here your cat is i'm not going home in the cap i'm sorry oh my taxes here goodbye yeah okay no this is all none of this will make any sense to you at all okay or indeed anybody okay okay paul and ian take a look at this be specific but god's sake what is it where it could be anywhere and finally which one of these is kate [Laughter] i like that who is the other person it's a presenter who does a program about how to dress oh not not trivial susanna or the one who was married to marco pierre white no his name's gok one and he's got one god what do you mean his for god's sake you don't think that's a woman do you he's a man jeremy there's no fantasy woman would part with coma hair like that for god's sake she put it in a bun before she did that who is it please tell me i'm dying to know he's a television presenter you're saying it as well hey what all that yeah but not that thing you've done that bit already just the intro and the outro okay come on yeah all right yeah hello i'm tom baker the best thing about little britain oh hold on can i read that again hello i'm tom baker the best thing about little britain is that am i saying is i'm the best thing about little britain oh all right all right go run it back here hello i'm tom baker the best thing about little britain welcome to this special which reminds me have i got time to tell them about the time i was battling davros on the planet what what do you mean no a round of applause for mr steve that's how you got the job in the first place i must say he's got a nice light touch he's very pessimistic you know bill is he about about the planet yes you think it's all over he thinks it's pretty well all over yes and i noticed the other day he said that on a kind of global warming that his legs are getting shorter i i noticed bill i know i was in a studio with him the other day and he could scarcely get up the steps i've heard if he sticks if he sticks velcro on his bottom he can pick [ __ ] ends off the floor are there going to be many of these i don't see very well these days you know didn't you no did you mention that before the order queue came out yet oddly enough you know as my sight diminishes i get on much better with people mad and i can't see them exactly because they're not there i've just started the fling with my wife if she finds out she'll be furious on what is it now hello i'm tom baker don't forget to watch tonight's have i got news for you oh i see it it's halloween i thought it was a misprint i hope i didn't scare you or do you want it more naturalistically [Applause] i've only got 15 seconds for this trail and i've just wasted five of those seconds telling you that don't forget to watch have i got news for you at nine o'clock with tom baker ian hislop and paul merton i like that tom baker i really do i'm mad about him actually he really moves me i'd like to go cruising with him [Applause] with tom baker we finished recording on thursday afternoon you know he told me before the show he said i've bought my own grave i said what do you mean he said i've bought a grave in kent near uh we both live in kentucky he's brought a great and he said i sometimes visit it flowers anyone got any jokes there was a very good cartoon of two people arguing and one of them was shouting wag at the other one and the other one was shouting milf at the other one and someone's saying oh it's all getting very acronymous uh the other day i cracked a joke and this lady asked me she said have you always been funny and i said well they told me that when i was born as soon as i was delivered the first thing i said was whew tough womb [Laughter] and there's a surprise for the staff at the windsor branch of specsavers when they launched their buy one get one free deal for pensioners oh my trousers just broke [Applause] this is a true story i got a letter from the admissions office of the college i'd applied for at oxford uh by mistake admitting me to the college and then i got another one saying i hadn't got in and i rang out the admissions student he said well which one did he get first and i said well the one implying i got in and he said okay you can come so is there another toby young who didn't get in i never got a letter from oxford university i'd maybe that maybe that was the one that was sent to you paul martin was crossed out at the top come along don't you know yeah it's not who you know it's who your postman is yeah [Music] a randy bumgardner is general manager this is this guest house he's guest oh i see oh yeah i thought it's like a bnb that he runs okay sorry okay damn i missed eastenders never mind i'm sure ian taped it join me tonight at nine o'clock on bbc one for have i got news for you with ian and paul and a special guest from america i hope we can find something to talk about man i wish i know in the beginning of the show that i was a special guest from america that would have completely altered my performance tonight now you were asked because the special guest from america can come i see how it's gonna be nigel no it's not gonna be like that oh bloody hell should i do a quick episode of jack and nori while we're here okay there's up to 17 people watch this time you've ever had that stage direction yes yes it is i'm quite glad you explained that actually because it's um i think it's a typo for jaundice bored i think hi everybody and welcome to this special webisode version have i got news for [Applause] well you just not working for me don't mind what the director says it sounds false you know i i don't care if he has got a bafta i've got a car waiting so let's just do this paul is sick this week so frank's skinner very kindly agreed at the last minute to accept the third and final offer of more money to step in and replace him and joining frank and ian are quentin let's and miranda hart it works it's a bit keen for this show well you know a new kid on the block okay first day at work coffee machines over there okay thanks very much you'll get the call uh about half past three this afternoon i just sit by the phone waiting for work at last okay yeah they they started calling comedians about 1 30. i was uh i was called at her past six you know it's a great thing when you do a tv show if you're saying something slightly funny before you go on air you think i should have saved that jack's kicking himself we can say it again but they they might laugh they might they they tried to get john prescott to do the uh the thing instead of you and is this going to be funny unfortunately paul merton has had to pull out of the show this evening he asked me to read out the following statement i felt i had to do it because there was a real danger that i might win the series even for me that would be a joke too far i was in the supermarket and some the girl behind the counter asked me what what a courgette was she just she did genuinely say what's this was she working there yeah she was the person doing the beeps oh she was holding a corner she was holding a cord yet she didn't just say what's the cause no she was sorry it's quite a tricky thing let me explain she was holding the closure and went what's this was it not wrapped it was just as it you bought one courgette i live alone i bought i bought maybe two i bought loads of courgettes constantly having parties i love a courgette party i saw viral virulent was on this morning when she was i think she was 80. and they said do you think anyone else in case you don't know who she is you know she was like the fourth in case you don't know who do you think watches this program well she was the fourth not on itv now when i say the force is sweetheart she wasn't a slack she was she was popular with the armed forces people singing we'll meet again and all that and she said honestly she said she said i don't think anyone could have a career like mine she said because you know wars nowadays she said they're just not long enough i thought it's not a complaint you hear that often hello i'm david mitchell welcome [Applause] your delivery suggested that we were on board shipping you're on another ship hello hello i'm david mitch [Applause] sorry i'll be all right in a minute you're making him look like a man who doesn't know his own name now well it's the element of surprise i'm hearing in delivery hello i'm hello i'm doing more low-key hello i'm david mitchell welcome to this special webisode version of oh bollocks episode [Applause] i flew the other day and heard a terrifying announcement ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be landing in manchester is this how you do it jeremy you just get an atlas and the end of a sentence i hate oh look milton keynes do you think i wrote those no when i read your column i think god i wonder who did this you have to understand throwing a pen is very insulting in journalism [Applause] [Applause] oh he's drawn blood yeah i think you'll find it's ink that's a that's a is it a black pepper yes it's a red pen it's what i use to correct private eye every week

Channel: JHmagic1

Views: 171,581

Keywords: paul merton, ian hislop, brian blessed, panel show, jack dee, lee mack, bloopers, david mitchell, funny, laugh, behind the scenes, Have I got news for you

Id: 7MNq6WIR6Qc

Length: 38min 59sec (2339 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 28 2020