Clarkson, Hammond and May Toilet Compilation

[Music] the next morning i fitted my new lavatory seat and air conditioning unit james installed his drinks fridge and after hammond had slipped into his new shirt he sets off all right meanwhile down in oxford the stig was revealing something new about himself [Music] he has a bladder but there's one area of cutting-edge tech where japan definitely sits on the throne ah here's something we need to address eugero uh toilet the japanese kazi this is this very helpful uh little graphic means arse wash yes ass yes some of them play a tune as well don't they yeah so that if you do a big fart you're not embarrassed is that right even people just sing roll out the barrel or something to cover up the noise the the latest models have this automatic self-washing um what do you say program it cleans itself the latest model that's why this is expensive absolutely but if um you can adjust how strong you want the water to you know clean your ass or yes yes your sensitive crutch yes okay you can even wash your face with this you know you can i mean theoretically when you press the hip the water comes out you can't you can't theoretically but you don't have to but yes shall we cut yes here's the big test will it fit in a disabled laboratory yep clarkson i know it's you you're insufferable i hope i'm on the bloody throne even we could see the show was pretty bad but then it got worse [Music] hammond mistimed a trip to the lou and while he was in there a song finished hello is that is there somebody there is anybody there hello come on [Music] then i forgot i was going out live well he's ginger and he's wealthy boots are off whoa what is this all bathroom yes obviously with lavatory well shower here tiled as you can see tasteful sink unit vanity mirror restrained and just pop this open like so wow lower the flap which means that in a morning i can sit down and i can see the pub as we know luxury is defined by light and space so this is a luxurious bug correct and also look this is not some camping laboratory where you defecate on a piece of plastic observe oh what's the proper thing where does where does that go underneath the rv well like a tank or something no you're underneath the rv well you're going to drive off in your bathroom leaving behind a mound of turds yes my fur was so light and beautiful oh this man's going to see me they're going gonna be scarred for life honey if he falls in and follows his own turd into the lavatory bowl and emerges with it stuck to his head someone will say there's a particularly massive turd this morning even here we're stuck behind caravans if i'm honest though that wasn't the most immediate problem oh for god's sake oh this is really bad a member of the working classes is now taking a dump in full view of the editor of railway express magazine oh whoa no whoa whoa whoa whoa i'm very sorry about this he just i can't where have you been news of a slightly inconvenient nature they have arrived the trots how badly ah really is it um is it the brown rain don't go there don't go there no seriously is it bad is somebody turned on a tap at three o'clock this morning and left it running if you're having the boxing day lunch now i apologize sorry if things turn really nasty out there and you're stuck in here for a couple of days well there is a fridge for your beer you can monitor the oxygen levels in here and there's a lavatory lovely with the tour over kevin mcclarkson turned his attention to my land rover this is hideous it's stone effect which is right for the whole land rover thing it's it's hideous yes it's perfect please tell me this is not real yes it is yes it is entirely if you need it it's there for you you're joking nope if you need it it's there always stagecoach these are the bus operators people they've come up with something remarkable it's a 94-seater double-decker coach which will take you between oxford and london or glasgow and edinburgh for a pound and they've said we're going to take the frills out of bus travel what believe it or not okay i was i think well what are but there were some they've taken out the telly the woman at the front with the microphone who points at the tower of london and the lavatory what there's no lavatory on the bus do you have lavatories on buses don't worry about it jeremy do they have a lot of course they do have not used one you've got a lotus exhibit obviously that's why you'd go on the bus obviously if you've never tried the level you have you've never been on a bus i can show you how they work look here's you sit next to somebody like that but there's a little wall about that thick he's parking his breakfast trousers around ankles i'm reading woman's own because i'm you know i was driving around the m40 like that and you're having a i'm getting rid of him he's reading the back on the bus and now they've taken the lavatory out yeah but what really amazes me is this okay it's got 94 seats they say we can sell the seats for a pound to maximize profits they've taken out the lavatory which is obviously the size of one seat so they've made an extra quid by delivering a load of constipated the next thing that's going to happen is people will be with primus stoves cooking their lunch on the floor and live chickens and people arriving on the underside of eurostar from azerbaijan we'll see one of those things go by i think we haven't we've gone around a big they should just get rid of the back window and have a plank with holes in him in fact that's just like following a rugby talk because that's always got that backside no different seriously though stagecoach i've worked this out if you want this business venture to be a success seats for a pound 94 seater coach don't take the lavatory out of the bus make every seat a bog brilliant perfection you could all read the paper it's rubbish isn't it there yeah the next morning the top gear crew prepared for the long journey that lay ahead hammond meanwhile cooked breakfast oh careless and i fitted a new skid plate to protect the underside of my volvo nobody is allowed to use my car as a laboratory anymore [Music] i don't want to lower the tone or anything but i haven't been to the loose since italy and i'm gagging for it and the ones that way are out of order and there's 42 british coaches through there and they walk my autograph but something even more useful than beer no actually no nearly as useful as beer is what i've fitted over here a shower and if we peel back the curtain oh it's a complete bathroom in there yeah so you lower this window when it lowers it automatically it's not going to go yes it does but it's not going there are three electrical components on this car as it turns out i get it there the window goes down and that lows the box seat is that right yes exactly yeah that's quite theatrical it doesn't work the battery's somehow gone flat i suspect the fridge is drawing quite a lot of power hmm can i have a jump no oh oh yeah in fact james discovered there is a terrifying third way of stopping a big lorry was it really that frightening yes we've got another challenge i'm not interested no you will be it says you now have to do a hill start this is a test of driving precision it is james it's you've got to balance your handbrake your clutch your throttle you love all that stuff precision and it says the winner will receive a year's supply of gentlemen's literature we're back as a team just let's have a look it's not off on the plus side though the house now had another upstairs lavatory why have you pulled a portaloo over a building but wait till you see what i've done to the jag first of all the flock effect racing strike yeah yeah like that okay but this is my genius at some point on this trip hammond's bombay doors are going to break we know that we're going to be stuck in the middle of nowhere and he is going to beg me for use of this [Music] and what i've done in there yeah what no is it like an ice bucket you fill it up with chemicals this is the best thing i've ever seen fitted to a car in everybody who comes here gets the trots yeah no no it's very good the thinking is terrific i've also mark sand what i know it's you we're up to 40 miles an hour in the bago it's chase come on you're tidying that up i may have been bored but at least i didn't need the loo i'm quite desperate for a pee with the signs up we went back to the farm shop to help erect the portaloo right it's a thing of great beauty isn't it so we just plonk that up how does it not blow over in the wind oh uh probably best to put some sandbags or something to weigh it down cheers mate [Music] with the portaloo in place so uh we're going all night tonight probably yeah and some toilet roll all right if you get short let me know right you've actually brought bog oh yeah when will be the first time i get caught out [Music] look [Music] that can only mean one thing someone is in the clutchy and in distress needs bog roll depart here it goes and i hope he remembers even though he's in distress to press the bing bong for me to stop the train bong when running stop [Music] [Applause] so there you go once again mankind's lot in life improved by organized and efficient working practices anyway if you thought that was interesting wait until you see this thick [Music] would anybody here like to hazard a guess at what this is it's what how can you know that have you got one no i've got this lady knows the answer this is a she-wee yeah they're with you they're with you no though you're with me the idea is okay that if you draw on a long motorway journey desperate for a wii you want to do your trousers ladies this is ladies this is ladies it comes with a little bag i'm disturbed by what i'm seeing and you feel it the only thing is okay the literature here the literature here okay it says it can also be used in uh on airplanes on ski lifts and look at this one while cueing queuing queueing what in the post office yes does anybody here want to see any girls want to see if they can have a wee in this bag without the person next to them noticing what i like is if you read through the marketing stuff on the box there's a lot of kind of yeah feminists come on go girls you get it because men have had this for ages it's your right now and then it goes on about using this thing to we in post office cues and wherever as if they imagine that those of us who've had one for years it's like a natural he that we're born i've had that for 38 years and i've never got it out in a post office queue to have a win speak to the reader don't shout he can hear you especially if you talk sense you don't blow his head off it's important that the advertising has intelligence it can't just be explosions feeling like admin we went to the lavatory [Music] now look we've been sent this it's a eco-friendly portable disposable cardboard lavatory for use by the side of the road the idea is you drive along you get caught a bit short can't find the nearest kazi you pop this out erect it and do what you have to do you're about to tell us you have been caught shooting no because i don't think you should no i'm not i was going to say that we shall give this a fair test on top gear by giving it to the world's most practical man which is clarkson what you want to build it i do oh god i hate this sort of thing where's the instructions have you ever noticed watching him do anything practical it's like watching an orangutan look at his face honestly look at his face it goes all the way long he's happy but confused they actually they actually put a picture of jeremy on the bagler telling you how to assemble these instructions look at these they bear no relation to the like as always to the thing that they're supplied with see look he's doing the eighth thing and bear in mind you have to erect this well basically desperate for a number two i was gonna say with lori's going by could you erect this while you were touching cloth you can see if you can get that erected i'm prepared to bet that that question has never been asked on any other car show ever she's good how have you done that she's bloody done it look i know that was it how did you do that look she's made a lavatory [Applause] so you just put that up at the side of the road there's no need to demonstrate [Applause] do you know what honestly i'd rather just crap myself i think i just did three grand that was let's go why didn't we have this in albania goodbye lavatory bricks fly everywhere this is bloody brilliant on the train hammond saved weight by emptying his bladder while i went even further [Music] what a square head look at it blunt at both ends thick set i reckon if this car went to the lavatory it would leave the seat up [Music] it's a long drive and then when you get there it looks like this oh dear yeah i know it's nasty you need worry no more because we've found on the interweb uh well i'll show you here it is yep it's a lavatory that attaches to the bumper of your car it's called a bumper dumper and at the back there was jeremy's creation this is the economy section what i've done is i've fitted benches and on the floor straw to absorb the diseases and the blood should there be a riot and then for an authentic working class feel at the back i fitted an outside kazi why have you called it scum class good name it's a bit blunt honestly think about it this way it's an incentive you're not going to walk into the ticket office and go hello can i have three scum class tickets you're going to say i'll spend a little bit more so i don't have to say that you'll say i have second class we make more profit exactly however when i reached the overnight halt i came up with a more fiendish idea an idea that involved the bucket hammond had fitted to collect rainwater for his shower i think this this does pay him back for holding us up all day long yep what was more part two i then began to work on my lorry's water works massive nuts holding that radiator on 22 millimeters sun warm fresh rainbow golden brown i can taste the goodness of the outdoors and neither of you thought but all of this doesn't trouble me half as much as that we're for a week at no point will we be more than 12 feet from where the turds are stored here's turds look at this that's the lavatory door look at it this is unacceptable what separates us from the animals is reason and defecated in private you go somewhere comfortable read a newspaper do your business you can't do that in there what is that shocking racket everything everything rattles because it's full of crap [Music] sadly our destination was 60 miles away 30 more than james's bladder can ever manage so while he went for a wii richard and i decided to improve his car even more i think you'll find track four is particularly to his liking so we take out his bark yeah we pop in this yes what have we got that's glued volumes glued glued glue source button's glued oh that's perfect but we need to glue the whole damn thing literally the whole thing every button yeah this will brighten his day good morning viewers i'm afraid things may have got a little out of hand in camp last night but it's good news i found another piece of scrap metal and i managed to mend my bonnet i'll admit i was furious when james stole my bonus scoop but then on jeremy's car i found something that does the job just as well i'm calling it the poop scoop [Music] no this is disastrous i'm actually driving through jeremy's caravan dude back there as i suspect they are well let me put it this way i've run over your left-hand wall oh and your portable lavender have you ever put toothpaste on your testicles for a joke well to be really honest yes i did when i was a teenager yes exactly so did i do you remember the pain yeah i do yeah well is that what it's like james was very sympathetic goodness gracious great balls of [ __ ] with the pain getting worse [Music] i had to make an emergency stop please may i use your lavatories my scrutum is on fire have you ever put toothpaste on you scrutin hello good evening and welcome thank you so much now this is a mobile telephone it's fully functional and what i'm going to do is throw it in that lavatory i know that's the first time you've ever seen a program start that way but bear with me because if we now look yup it's only been in the water for a few seconds but it's ruined forever if you wanted to communicate with somebody you'd be better off using a brussels sprout we also had a lot of material uh which looked like rolled nasal mucus again what nasal mucus ruled uh picking and flicking absolutely finally um there was a odor of urine somebody in there has worked themselves it was a general pervading aroma i mean another lavatory but hidden in a forgotten corner lies the man labs dirty little secret a putrid hell hole that threatens to condemn our achievements to the u-bend of inadequacy [Music] this is the shameful secret of our man lab the old urinal block it's so awful in here we've never actually used it it's just sat in the corner taunting us with its filth and it's squalor it's absolutely disgusting it's like some anti-room to hades something has to be done i'm not talking about a waz what has to be done first is the removal of this wall i do think they've got the name wrong though they've called it the focus st which in the language of the ladies lavatory stands for um sanitary towel well hammer gotta say i'm glad honda spent so much time and effort working on the dynamics of this car so i could enjoy this supercar extravaganza you've brought me up you have excelled yourself in ruining my day oh good you've brought us to a builder's yard hammond there are lavenders on the left if anybody wishes to use them right i've seen how fast you can go in your cars on a flying lap yes now we shall see how fast you can go when you're bursting for a pee what really well each of you will drink three pints of water wait 20 minutes and then see how much your times improve soon we were ready to begin the test right so we drink these and then when we've drunk all three start the timer yeah that's disgusting it's just revolting this stuff women drink this you know for fun why are you so far ahead of me thing is this is quite an interesting test because when i drive normally i drive on the motorway at 70 miles an hour oh no need to pee i'm i'll do 180. this test is unfair why is it well my capacity is smaller than you two plus it's got to go less distance to my stomach then less distance to my bladder and then less distance to my chap but what we're older yes and you have wooden bladders when you get older younger viewers may be interested in this it comes on more suddenly doesn't it i can do the night still i don't think they'll get up in the night muddy that's prostate cancer isn't it is it it is it's society you know with prostate cancer they tell you you've got to put your finger in your back bottom another rummage about now never having done that i don't know what it should feel like normally so i don't know it's the that's why you get the doctor no it says check yourself back onto your own digit it's that's what it says posters say check your anus i've never seen a poster that says shove your finger up your ass i've never understood it because it does say in the adverts check yourself for prostate cancer you check yourself for testicular cancer you spanner you rummage your nuts about to make sure there's no that's you can do yes that's right you tell your wife mercifully my 20-minute wait was soon over three two one goodbye oh no that hurts oh and in fact we've only just got that in time this is why cooking a rose can turn into a bit of a panic we're going to leave this to cool whilst we make the cheese sauce should i go get the things to make the cheese sauce let's get the things to make the cheese if you could get the things to make the cheese sauce i'll go for a wee how's that for a deal sounds like excellent plan look what we proved in that film is that there is no upside to caravanning they clog up the roads for just what i can see no good reason i mean that woman in the film okay well i said to her what do you do on a caravan holiday she said fill up the loo that's all she could think of she spent 12 000 pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket can't run just hurry up i'm going to go in a minute oh right that's it let me in oh god there's more oh god it's just awful listen mate james is in there and i'm first you ain't getting ahead of me no way it is awful though when you get to the door your body's saying yes time to go but then you can't talking why are you bothered anyway well i solved the problem second corner oh yeah so james i'm having a wise you say no i've got the times it's quite interesting you were a second slower on that lap do you think you were faster or slower don't care richard hammond your original lap two minutes four point eight your new lap two minutes yes whatever zero 0.5 you were slower as well because i was concentrating on not doing what you've done yeah well that's interesting because i did what i did look at that how interesting is that exactly to say i mean i was basically james hurry up i was .3 of a second slower but basically the same you

Channel: incT

Views: 1,600,549

Keywords: top gear, the grand tour, jeremy clarkson, richard hammond, james may, funny moments, compilation, top moments, best moments, lavatory, toilet, inct

Id: 9hoLuZx5ayw

Length: 31min 33sec (1893 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 03 2021