The best of Hignfy series 58

so getting back to boris for a second he's been in training his whole life to become prime minister uh but how has he gone down with the public let's have a look at a little montage here [Applause] i must i will boris johnson's constituency do you ever mention that name in front of me that filthy piece of toe rag and that's his mother he's got to be about does he have the numbers and we've got philip hammond who said he would rather boil his head in a bag than have jeremy corbyn anywhere near number 10 he's got to have people like amber rudd and anna subrie there just isn't the numbers so let's move on and i've nominate ian don't you think yeah wow are we are we present at the start of something herein i think so six people are creepy come on i think you could command the will of the house don't you are you drunk i'm really undermining the evening standard discovered that in 2015 boris johnson wrote a script for an adventure film that he hoped would star scarlett johansson or angelina jolie wow this is so exciting yes so it was he had the idea it was going to be like an archaeologist with a younger woman wasn't it going around and it was rejected johnson states that the male lead marmaduke montmorency burton should be played by a clooney eastwood connery type in his 50s alongside a gorgeous yet scholarly female league and should this should this clooney eastwood connery type have messy blonde hair yeah or clumsy who is definitely not a close pole dancing friend of boris and definitely there is no conflict of interest at all in anything that boris ever did with her companies ever they've admitted that they obviously have been lovers okay a different whatsapp group [Music] what i mean is no one knows and she took around some of the sites of london apparently oh i see it's like up the gherkin and how did she express her ability to control men like boris johnson she said men fall in love with me after 10 minutes i make men trip over their dicks doesn't she sound fun i like the sound of those men this is jennifer r curie the american businesswoman rory's left the uh tory party he hasn't joined the lib dems unlike many others who are leaving their parties right now and how rigorous is the interview would you like to join you're in go on ian you know you really want to come on oh yeah no i am very very keen but it's just doesn't feel cool anymore because everyone's joining everyone would it make you feel better if that we won't have you is it like one of those things right now he's the only man in this studio i bet those got a tattoo of lloyd george in his upper arm you said you would never betray the whatsapp group okay i think we're getting bonked down okay i am if you i've taken my slippers off he has anyway shortly [Applause] i'll get the other one out in a minute there's a uh unfortunately genetically sized rabbit who is part of the march and the policeman's having a bit of a laugh having a big laugh he knows he's walking next to a big rabbit and he's on camera and he's having a laugh wait till he finds out he's i've never got news for you yeah he might even be a policeman that might be a real rabbit but fake policeman we don't know is that right yes this is extinction rebellion which has descended on westminster to paralyze the capital although if they really wanted to provoke a reaction from londoners they could have just gone into the underground and stood on the left-hand side of the escalators what if harry and megan had enough of the media they are very very upset and uh she is suing the mail on sunday and he is suing the mirror and the sun for separate things well separately yes yes but i mean it is a free press no one ever said it was pretty but it is free you want positive coverage the saudi royal family gets really good coverage turkey yeah the president they like what he does or they die i mean trust me i know this stuff i've won so many of these cases this is of course an article from the british beekeeping association newsletter it's quite a popular publication but most bp because i think this is of course an article from the british beekeeping association newsletter it's quite a popular publication but most bp could be what are you trying to say i'm not clear this is of course an article from the british beekeeping association newsletter it's quite a popular publication but most bp you want me to say the word beefy yeah yeah okay good to outsource some you can just say readers okay the difficult bit is the bit at the front yeah no i'll do that but this is of course an article from the british beekeeping association newsletter it's quite a popular publication but most beekeepers i know now just use buzzfeed thank you please welcome rachel johnson i like the way you introduced me as boris johnson's sister as if that is actually my day job people's jobs change all the time remember when he was a panelist on this show those were the days well we were very excited they said there's a blonde woman on tonight who knows boris intimately but could have been anyone really not me ian although i do know him quite well yeah and for avoidance of doubt not me can i just see how delightfully awkward it is having the pm sister here later let's just let's just go on about it all night i'm just saying i feel for you yeah welcome to my world of pain yeah yeah no i i you know i think fair player to you you seem reasonable and normal your dad seems reasonable than normal okay come on i'm just saying it's just the shame that he's the prime minister but apart from that he's like the tito jackson of politics that went over that's all i'm saying but i'm acknowledging it no no which one was tito yeah president of yugoslavia wasn't he what did boris johnson compare the negotiations to mount everest lightning mount everest the view from mount everest wasn't it the hillary steph and it's no longer there i assumed henry's step was another of his tech advisors no it helped things anyway you shouldn't call it the hillary step it's the surrender step that's a joke yeah he did all that and then he compared it to the shawshank redemption do you think i'm making this up what was the comparison then um that he was escaping from the prison of brexit and going down the sewers and wading and for an hour or something i don't remember the end of the film terribly well are you party to any information that we haven't heard so far not really we we had we had talks if we lose it would be delightful that this idiot was shut up he's exercising his democratic right i appreciate it makes it very difficult to do an interview and we do want to we'll have a go as well we will try i think that's him doing the voice because his lips aren't moving when the other guys why didn't those channels insist on continually being outside the palace of westminster where they could be like sort of 500 yards away with the backdrop you know with today's technology just have the palestinians there and so you wouldn't have this stuff yeah but you'd miss that which is pretty fantastic does boris ever ring you up and say oh don't say that it's really embarrassing yep no i mean i'm under orders only to you know not do any chat shows not to say anything to be fair lewis hamilton i was a i was an airport once and he was flying on a reg he didn't have the private jet he was flying on the regular planes and that and i was at the baggage carousel and he got his bags off and he put it on one of the trolleys and he started heading towards the customs area and this is how childish i am i went i'm going to race him i honestly did he didn't know he was in the race but he's moving along and i'm catching him up like that and i tried to go around him on the outside and he went out like that and one of the customs people saw what i was doing and just went because you're meant to come through when you go through passport control you're supposed to just stamp your thing then just go through and i can through like that [Applause] when were you happiest paul uh today because i had a letter printed in private eye i'm not saying what the letter is i would encourage you to go out and buy the mag it's the best issue there's ever been and i've got to call the editor a bastard in the guise of comedy how do gorillas show they're enjoying their food according to scientists yeah they make up happy little songs as they eat oh how nice that's nice really cute it's quite peaceful though meditative are you're crying yeah wow well here's a here's a little thing that if if that if that moves you then this is a true story i uh i sponsor uh a monkey right at a sanctuary got let this week said it was dead your personal skills are nil there's a woman crying and you say oh don't cry because they're dead one i know but she's crying anywhere might as well might as well use the moment i don't i don't know what it's something about enjoying it's like when you see old people having ice cream do you think there's something that's the same as watching gorillas eating leaves people all these people have an idea that was one of the most horrible things no it isn't i sponsored and i sponsor an old person we've got some bad news this week a sloth falafel and a safety vest are all made into emojis for the first time what do they mean so like if you see someone later on tonight slow falafel [Laughter] i'm feeling lazy today yeah falafel hungry safety vest oh yeah what's with you cautious so if you get the aubergine you think oh lovely salad what do you meant to think thomas you must know this it's flirtatious it means she's serious reads your gentleman's downstairs i don't mean there's a gentleman downstairs that's confusing aubergine oh there's a delivery no so the other day when my colleague oh god you should go out for a healthy meal and i sent a string of images that ended with the aubergine it really depends on what the previous images were before you get to the obviously well you know okay i've got a game for you yeah dark or buffoon are you up for it is this a pilot or is this just a round this is yeah this is part of the rounds this is what we're here for here buckle up so we've got john burkel dominic grieve oliver lewin on it so you've got to guess out of those three names which one they were called by an unnamed tory source uh so no wonder you're leaving the bbc i'll tell you that this is what it's sunk to yeah it's very channel four isn't it yeah exactly that would be on about 10 o'clock after me and my unpleasant diseases jealousy will get you nowhere right you ready for the spirit yeah absolutely dominic grieve buffoon no oh oliver lewin has been called a buffoon why have they said he's a prized buffoon yeah he's won awards yeah like a prize marrow yeah exactly it sounds like this sauce is an idiot yeah yeah and i'm not going stronger than that sir not till i'm on steph's show then i'll just let it all hang out [Laughter] that's not what i heard [Laughter] all right this is the best part of the program we've ever had should we move on yeah why not yeah exactly we'll never top this will there be other rounds where we can just shout cocked off he said the deal was now in limbo to which jacob rees-mogg replied i think theologically speaking pope benedict the 16th abolished limbo so i do wonder whether the bill is suffering the pains of those in purgatory carbon met boris on wednesday what did they talk about sorry i wonder if there's a quarter of how often you can see a on the bbc i expect there'll be a letter we'll be signed what is a google a google pebble is the same thing as alexa you go hey google and they go like that and you say play some soft rock and then it plays soft rock hey google can you write me 1200 words for the sunday times [Applause] oh brilliant breaking news oh the election update ring of ding that's my equivalent of a soft pebble steve tell us the news andrew and his pr machine have been busy trying to distance him from jeffrey epstein but what evidence has emerged this week that suggests they spawn regularly there's 23 different phone numbers yeah epstein had 13 four numbers on which to contact the duke why would you have that many phones he probably doesn't realize you can recharge them it's not funny i used to be an ear piercing specialist at one point as well was that while people waited for their hands did you only do the ears yeah why [Laughter] someone to shout it [Laughter] it's your turn i could use it for the trailer without any context but you know i think i won't tonight at nine o'clock on bbc one in hislop suddenly shouts what has john trenchard been doing with his leftover egg boxes i went to university with this man did you what the has he been doing did he used to get through a lot of eggs did he have friends yeah he was lovely all right beautiful singing boys but now that seems irrelevant right he's built a miniature stately home based on several of his favorite national trust properties that's fantastic definitely him wait until you see the next one and then he did this i believe it's called flipping the bird is that right literally when i take you on a night out in burra you can never say that it's called flipping the bird have you ever been to middlesbrough but no i'd love to come yeah excellent let's go flipping birds a statue of melania trump was unveiled in a hometown of seville close up no that's just an insult isn't it that's just awful yeah are you offended by this yeah i mean who put themselves forward to make this statue and who said yes let's have a look at your previous work yeah that looks like a crossland in a tea town we'll have that i mean look at it when i could do that i probably have done in my more drunken time after finally committing to a general election jeremy corbyn insists his campaign will be tightly focused with a clear [Music] direction are you looking forward to a december 12th election what's your reaction to labour backing it no word there from the chancellor i never heard it if he'd come out and gone what another one it's a great reaction though there's an election you're the chancellor uh now the tabloids got a little excited over the brexit christmas puns i'm afraid oh yes yes so much so that the sun gave us their top brexit songs any guesses here you're asking us to get into the minds of the sun the headline riders ding dong merrily what brexit merrily goodbye yes [Applause] what's happened to me you suddenly started thinking like a tabloid editor oh my god all right we'll try and get this one wrong man yeah okay tits beginning to look like christmas it's the transformations become complete but to me it was a uh very important i would say all the time that walk into my office sir we killed this leader at a low level this leader i said i never heard of him i want al baghdadi that's the only one i know now i want help daddy get him and they got him it was the way he described the um the assault that that killed baghdadi in the end which is amazing he just he said the troops went in and it was incredible they didn't go through the front door which was amazing because if you're a normal person you go through the front door and you're like wow when they try and explain to him pilotless drones his brain is just going to explode if this baffled him that they went through a wall i mean it's just going to be too much well he doesn't think that he can get through a wall that's why he's trying to build what nobody was even hurt or canine as they call i call it a dog a talented dog was injured and brought back he tweeted a photoshop of the dog uh getting a medal of honor let's have a look there we go here's the original photo it came from the dog's got a slightly more intelligent expression on it how did the american special forces know for certain that it was actually al baghdadi in the compound underwear that's right was it yeah i had his name in the label dna i think oh that's right oh yes it is the fishing rod of news innovation has hit this program after 30 years in a world of cgi this is what we're doing okay fingers on buzzers yes give me half an hour yeah yeah we'll we'll slowly put our fingers on what the hell is this i'm sorry she's got an expression on her face she can't believe what she just participated in why does the queen like wearing bright colors so that prince philip can see her when he's driving have you met the queen yeah yeah where did you meet her down the bingo yeah really yeah is she very tall ian um fingers on buzzers teams here's the next one oh i've forgot to do things i feel like i should explain emojis yeah i'd start by explaining the internet i mean but you probably use them all the time when you're sexting um she's got you i can confirm that the 2015 christmas advert by robert dyers that went viral this week hi my name's marcus i work at robert dice and i'm gay i'm bisexual and i always find something i love at robert dyer look at his christmas tree it's perfect for a gay person this field would work a treat in a straight person's home or gay person robert dies where gays and straights can buy drills and much much more however however no asians robert dice you that's the hardest bit of being gay is having to tell your parents that you love shopping at robert i live on my own that's why the vacuum cleaner is my best friend you you don't live on your own you're self-partnered this apparent 50-page dossier talking about uh examining russian infiltration of uk politics you're not sitting on it uh i personally am not no i'm standing here um on the roof of uh uh for milbank well he made himself laugh do you think he could do edinburgh yes but certainly not as a performer at the fringe but castle castle yeah cotton rhyming slang nigel farage has revealed he won't be standing in the election although to be fair he rarely is standing after lunch what's the same joke how comedy works welcome either bloody castle that's sunday time you just need my joke it's open season i believed that staying in the european union was the best thing for us and then something happened and something monumental happened i it completely changed my my opinion on the whole situation what uh what was that monumental thing mark i was kicked in the head by a horse uh who might be lined up to carry the can for trump in all of rudy giuliani yes your lawyer yes trump's lawyer and attack dog rudy giuliani here he is he's been astonishingly bad at going out and defending the president on in tv interviews he will he will contradict himself in the middle of a sentence it is extraordinary he really is a complete bozo and he started um butt dialing reporters yes he's got it he's got a reputation of butt dialing journalists what does that mean he's talking out of his ass essentially he sits on a phone or he accidentally phones somebody about knowing that he's phoned him he left a couple of message on somebody's answer in service thinking he was talking to somebody else not the same as a booty call no it's very good in other pension news this could be a whole new section on the show yeah pension and you mention the news hey we're playing to the audience this week an estate agent's photos of a house for sale caused a stir after revealing an excessive number of electrical sockets it's a marijuana farm i mean i i gather woman wakes up to find arnold the ball relaxing in her back garden i like your have you ever house of putting a conservatory here your pot plants need watering i'll be back bacon i'll be bacon i'll ah yes a fatal combination of privileged and thick it was perfect in every way if you'd planned a one-hour exercise in losing public sympathy and at the end of it your mother sacks you i mean that's a pretty bad showing what did he announce on wednesday he's stepping back stepping back on the cliff yeah he's not really giving up public life public life is giving him up yeah um and he's been dropped by a number of charities i'm normally if you're in disgrace you go and do charitable work but he's been dropped by charities and there's a possibility of course that this has all been concocted by pizza express to build up their publicity like that whole story about them going bankrupt that never came to an end yeah it's exactly the sort of publicity any pizza chain to be looking for yeah disgraced member of the royal family with pedophile connections garlic bread half price off i mean i like the idea that someone said it was a car crash as though the royal family cared about according to the times andrew was wildly criticized after he appeared with jillian maxwell at a pimps and prostitutes themed party that come as you are why did andrew choose to stay with epstein he had to stay with epstein yeah because gary glitter was busy and what preparation have you been doing well i've eaten a caesar salad i wouldn't say whether it was remain lettuce or not lots of leaves i don't know what you people want the itv debate [Music] it's like the worst remake of charlie's angels i think it would have been better if that had been all of it run on that music and them standing there looking tough for the whole thing just seeing a question then at the end one of them screams brexit and the other one screams nhs and it's over yeah there's over three weeks to go but what desperate measures have the bbc gone to to liven up the election they cancelled our show last week they've cancelled uh would i lie to you till the new year they've replaced what i like to do with politicians yeah the irony that's the lib dem leader joe swinson and she's announced a new policy on vermin control yeah she she does she doesn't like squirrels and she's going to deal with them she's gonna she's obviously on the phone to a squirrel hitman or hitler got one in my hand should i just crush it what's the lib dem scottish leader willie rennie been doing to shake things up on the campaign trail he went to glasgow dressed as harry potter here he is poor effort though come on yeah it's also so obviously gonna be photoshopped with where his hands are like unless the lib dem team replaced it with a broom you know it's always possible how we gonna spin this he's a harry potter fan then he was videoed running down a street with a parrot here he is what was the point of that why is he running down that desert alleyway with a parrot on his arm what message is that giving us i i i agree i don't understand it's a it's a fake ferret isn't it oh it's not even a real power yeah i've lost is it meant to be an owl and they couldn't afford one maybe this is the whole thing by doing this he leads people to try and understand it to try and impose some sort of reason on it and that in self draw we remember it like the genitals and the way of curing indigestion i think it's the big thing it's like a liberal sorry what so you're saying this is a cure for indigestion running down an alleyway with a stock parrot on your hand well it's worth a try yeah but it can't be the first thing you try how long has you had it for i've been in suggestions in 1968. i've tried everything but this where's that parrot right here rory apart from the fact that you went to eaton an oxford your father was deputy head of mi6 you've worked in the middle east on multiple occasions and you can speak 11 languages why do people keep saying you're a spy during the leadership campaign yeah boris apparently planted the story so right front page of telegraph in order to destroy my leadership campaign i never understood it it like did me more favors than anything else in the entire league cool to be a special series this is like double 07. yeah are you saying because boris said you're a spy it isn't true i know you can't say you're a smile you can't but you're because your life would be in danger yeah it would be irresponsible of us to ask the question again are you yeah link wants for yes that yeah that is i think if that isn't the shy smile of a spy i don't know what it is who can tell me which former tory mp once scaled a building to break into his own office it was rory it was rory very impressive for a civilian the answer is statue of baby jesus mocked for looking like this oh i've got to see this oh this is a church in mexico who accidentally installed this okay okay give us a clue which is which and it's quite good really it's genesis yeah office workers what on average 55 times a week it's a sex thing isn't it no 55 times a week that's 11 times a day calm down bond keep it in your trousers um the answer is office workers swear on average 45 times a week but before we go there's just time for the caption competition looks like we'll be dogging again tonight and i'm not saying who's saying it but it's over the cup i think it might be a really cheap version of gogglebox i see the ghosts of your past sexual conquests have arrived again again i'm not saying who's saying it but it's the woman with a coffee mug and how many times did andrew neil asked jeremy if he was going to apologize to the jewish people seven times let's have a look wouldn't you like to take this opportunity tonight to apologize to the british jewish community for what happened what i'll say is this i am determined that our society will be safe for people of all faiths against the abuse they receive and the other apology from any other form of life try one more time now hang on a minute andrew can i explain what we're trying to do this is a new tactic in which you say look can i just finish not answering the question all those people who rant and rave online about global uh jewish conspiracies yeah you know they can be from each end of the spectrum and even as i'm speaking now there will be somebody tweeting about oh that andy hamilton he's just a glove puppet he's being operated by one of the rothschild family from underneath the desk that ian going to reluctantly leave the comedy gold mind of racism oh there's a spy there's a spy holding up a magnifying glass there's jacob reese mogg drinking from a cup of tea and there is boris johnson having sex with a horse that's been written by the archbishop of canterbury [Laughter] any thoughts on that well the last bit's the only bit that makes any sense nikki morgan also revealed this week when she's been an mp she's missed every single parent's evening for her children i think i might become an mp what are your qualifications uh none the job's yours what would be in your manifesto uh no more parents evenings well you'd kill all children just to answer the question yeah yeah would you like to apologize for that no ian how did you think let me finish ian my daughter's six and i've got to go to her to a dance recital next week and listen to other kids dance we've got to get brexit done but he's clearly faked anyway i mean the train's going and outside the window you can see the archbishop of canterbury on a horse wait for us the election's been quite boring so far what do broadcasters do to liven it all up liven up the election coverage um where where where where we've done this some really stupid places i have fun fair in wrexham i'm going to vote for labour because i i think they're the best part going forward to stop brexit um i think you want to stop breaking it yeah yeah i'll say yeah i think as a young person i don't know some people would like to start brexit yeah i was um you were too young to vote in the referendum yeah i was only 16 when the referendum came out so yeah i was too young that is fantastic though the fun fair i think the whole of the news should be like that that's your friend you're not watching it is yeah where was the ghost train i'd love to see that bit and then rhys morg at the end i'll play you a sound queue and buzz when you know what it is here's the first one [Music] our canine as they call i call it a dog this is from my benefit isn't it yeah the audio audio round yeah is it an actual grammar phone it is yeah yeah that's fantastic that is actually how i consume the news at home so that's i'm just up to the battle of normandy don't let me know who wins i'm gonna i'm still curious whether i need to learn german so why did conan call some confusion at the white house trump said it was a male dog yes and then a lot of people thought it isn't it's a female dog ah and someone else said it's a female dog and then trump said no it isn't it's a male dog yes and i think we're still in a a state of confusion i think the dog we don't know how the dog self identifies do we what did trump do with some butter oh god took advantage of his presidential status what's a russian man been doing with a group of dogs that went viral this week well was it using dogs as a pack to get him from place to place using dogs as a pack to help him with his packing if he's exercising his exercise routine sorry that visual clue wasn't much help certainly not to us why did an amorous pig make the news this week oh we launched a manifesto [Applause] and uh what's changed jeremy clarkson's mind about climate change he was on a speedboat possibly the fastest speedboat ever and um he was on a lake yeah and then the lake ran out the fact there was the fact there wasn't a lake there didn't lead him to punching somebody did it where's my lake so it's good that you've noticed it he's not good it is nice is it only because it meant ian did his jeremy clarks yeah i thought yeah it's been good yeah very good yeah and it meant that on the subject of climate change he did a big u-turn it's funny as you can go off an impression really quickly isn't it who's he doing the archbishop of canterbury according to the mirror prince phillip first ruled the queen when she was just 13. you see it does run in the family pound ditches its christmas tree in favor of a giant skiing marmot i'm not even sure i know what a marmot is about i read this in the in the i saw this in the uh you read it you saw it what's going on bigger figures of speech right yeah i um i sensed it yeah yeah and showing that he knows which way to go is boris who's jason's mind this is the nato summit and donald trump's attempts to stay out of the uk election yes uh to be fair he's got his hands full rigging his own for a lot of people including the 2020 election for the democrats according to the sun jeremy corbyn did turn up at the palace but corbyn failed to introduce himself to the president yeah that'll show him i didn't see corbin there i mean i'd make it like i was there i'm always at these things really oh yeah milling around serving drinks boris and the nato secretary general jen stoltenberg had an individual picture with every single leader in attendance on wednesday but trump was the last leader and he made boris wait for six minutes for him maurice or trump yeah i'm this is going to be really difficult which is the one who has the problem with the women how did donald trump respond to questions about prince andrews never met him no i i don't know prince andrew but it's uh that's a tough story it's a very tough story i don't know he doesn't know him but luckily the daily mirror were on hand to provide us with some evidence to the contrary this is from florida in 2000 here in london earlier this year and not forgetting this trip to the white house despite photographic evidence to the contrary donald trump declared this week i don't know prince andrew if you think that's bad they're also the opening words of the queen's christmas speech i could have turned up and said i'll be in it and then boris johnson's dad stanley turned up and said i could do it there's an official role father of the prime minister why should we have stanley talking about anything apart from why it's his fault and what control in these animal urges when i used to work in wolves and i was a teenager and i used to try and get my mum to phone in sick for me that's literally what he's done he's got his dad to be like boris isn't well uh what did sir david attenborough say about boris johnson's failure to appear a very shy creature pops out once every four years his mate doesn't know where he is yeah that's pretty close he said it was shameful this was very very important i mean i don't know what else he had to do tonight i think you meant who else do you sit down to watch the queen's speech mr corbin it's on the morning usually we have it on some of the time it's not on in the morning it's three o'clock in the afternoon that's when everybody watches it well our christmas is sometimes what's good mr corbin lots there's lots to do i enjoy the presence of my family and friends around on christmas obviously like everybody else does and i also visit the homeless shelter to his benefit he did try and lie he didn't go like no i don't watch it he went in the mornings he tried to come to his credit he tried to lie i must remember that next time i'm caught out in a lie i'll just say but i do go and visit the homeless shelter i tell you who has appeared though and has not been around for a while who's that jacob reese mogg no no no going out the tin mine they did he was on a pub crawl in somerset with some bristol university students he was and apparently sunk three points to chance of moggy moggy moggy dominic rob might lose his seat grill uh according to a delta pole survey of rob's constituency he has only a five-point lead over the lib dem oh yeah the liberty is he the michael portillo of this election he might well be yeah you've got to stay up for rob yeah with three a's wrong just add a few tories are promising more a's monkey mokimoki rob rob rob what alleged sexism cost one company one and a half billion dollars this week peloton correct it's a company that produces exercise bikes oh yeah and they had an advert yeah about a man who bought his wife an exercise bike for christmas it was her diary she spent the whole year and she was incredibly grateful to her husband yes for giving her an exercise and i like most people thought what would happen if i gave my wife an exercise regarded as being sexist no not sex it's just sort of rude really oh hey fatty here's a bike a year ago i didn't realize how much this would change me thank you this holiday give the gift of peloton have people gone stark staring mad yeah if you're in a relationship with someone who looks like that surely you should give them a cake and here's collective conscience by oscar murillo it's this is a video of him taking the artwork on a train to london right oh yeah you're amazing i mean i think a draws fair they're all pretty much of a standard you'd be a bit annoyed if you couldn't get a seat on that trailer wouldn't you [Laughter] that's what the artwork should be called can we stop sex yes of course we can i have to go to the loop oh fair enough yeah sorry about it go for it nature is calling absolutely right where any minute now it's going to be stanley bloody johnson it's a lot do you get a lot of that well people go into the room no the only other person who went to the loo was russell brand ah and it was nothing to do with his bladder i swear to god it was all to do with my brother to be fair he came back quicker than he'd gone yeah it's hard to interrupt your flow no not at all as long as we didn't interrupt your float the size of the black hole why is it surprisingly big they've got new measuring devices measuring devices yeah so that surprised them yeah oh blimey look at that yeah they put the telegraph the wrong way around when you look at it from a long way away it looks really tiny but when you get up close to the wall yeah we weren't expecting that it's basically the right answer yeah professor liu from the chinese academy of sciences told the independent it's twice as massive as we thought possible for a black hole professor brian cox can you explain yeah oh we put the wrong one yeah the driver coming up to me when i do pick me up tonight he said oh it's you i didn't speak to him for the whole journey last week a mix-up of the bbc led to the subtitles of a david attenborough show being accidentally put over an episode of the apprentice brilliant leading to this for example in the hope of mating must first defeat the overlord but before we go there's just time for the caption competition okay is the woman saying when you said we were going dogging this weekend it's the same patches i used for last week is the man saying i wish i'd stood at the front now and in london town a bitter old man is haunted by the ghost of christmas past in medicine one rookie reporter hasn't been told but the venom in dominic robb's spittle can be deadly and as a last throw of the dice on the campaign trail jeremy corbyn utters the magic words to summon up the legendary beardy man of barnsley the tories have had nine years to fund our nhs properly oh right hang on here he comes five seats that's optimistic that's your own personal exit poll and there's boris and the blonde he's in love with himself well didn't see that coming big win for boris silence yes but everyone a bit stunned for those of us who stayed up all night i think um john curtis just ruined it and if you're going to tell us the result at 10 o'clock why stay up uh what did boris say last night had given him just um he said in a speech it had given him a stonking mandate that used to be an aftershave didn't it twitter had a big labour win yeah but as so often with twitter they're wrong it's not all bad news though yes it is oh no you must be delighted to see boris win i am now that you've resigned no i've decided to step back from uh from from politics i'm not on next story by the way at the moment where even you would have won my seat i won from the opposition in 2010. who you up against was it lord bin head no that was in oxbridge i think wasn't it yes yeah your face and bin head that was a big event of the night actually just have a quick look now when buckethead faced bin face harvey jonathan david commonly known as count bin face 69 [Music] hughes david stephen commonly known as lord buckethead the official monster raving looney party 125. um why were they so keen to get the vote done quickly in leeds is that where they wanted to be first no have a look at this we've been told we will have to clear out if the counting goes on beyond that because they need to set up for a wenger boys concert do you remember the wenger boys of course ian uh no do you remember that the wenger boss is coming yes the one and everybody's jumping there's a slogan on the side yeah health secretary matt hancock was ridiculed this week let's have a look parliamentary candidate for warrington north for the conservative party it's been absolutely fantastic being here this morning with matankov my second visit this week actually why is it why did that arouse so much interest well he's they're sort of standing unnaturally close together and also a certain amount of arousal on his behalf she's gesticulating quite wildly there was a danger of a matt hancock hancock was he always as excitable as this well it's not an experience that i've had so um how did labour's dawn butler embarrass herself on the campaign trail he caused a stir by telling an lgbt awards ceremony 90 of giraffes are gay let's just accept people for who they are but giraffe expert stephanie fennessy told the guardian that butler was incorrect and the misunderstanding comes from the fact that animals will fake hump each other to assert dominance oh can you imagine the cabinet we don't do that what not even a bit nope so is the banana the odd one out because it was replaced no the christmas tree is not being replaced absolutely right now right yeah they've all been replaced by something else apart from a bbc christmas tree which was removed here it is outside new broadcasting house this week so what happened to the tree was it too red let's have a look yeah i think it i think it's bbc bias isn't it it was it was cut up workers arrived and take it away their van was too small but as the sun revealed that van was too bad yeah so they had to spend two hours chopping up two hours chopping it up and taking it away take it away in the bits let's have a look let's have a look at it let's try to get this program over as quickly as possible that's it lovely um uh why did this artwork have to be replaced because the man came along in edits exactly right david de tuna yeah david the tuner david de tuna somehow detuna i don't know pianos or fish which is it which means at the end of this round it is five points to pull the nicki ford even though we're losing i don't think we should change the team captain no i think i should navigate towards the next round make sure we progress there properly uh time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication election campaign leaflets excellent excellent good i i thought i had enough of that subject but suddenly you know i haven't realized i haven't of course we all we all make decisions you wait for the next one yeah so of course we'll make decisions basically just push through our door yes we all make decisions based on leaflets that come through the door i uh and they say there's too many repeats on bbc one woman marries carpet in lavish ceremony oh she'll end up walking all over him this is becky cox from manchester who's married the love of her life a rug called matt oh yo here they are at their wedding they can only take one carpet joke this lot neither i could wait to get laid i know i was wrong two carpet jokes there you go blessed shocks congregation by falling over and swearing loudly what did he say jesus christ what happened this week brian blessed startled his local congregation when he fell over halfway through a carol service and shouted it could have been a mystery for flock as a result of which the church is now raising funds to replace all its stained-glass windows that's pigs in blankets i think uh that's a man who can't believe what he's seeing um there's a shortage of pigs in blankets because when i go to spoons it's the first thing i order what is pathetic you don't believe anything anymore it's your butler that ordered it for you this is brexit hitting christmas um yes yes it is it is over to emma uncertainty that's all we got time for this was this was flagged ian in october yes was it yes by the the food authority they said we may not have enough seasonal workers because pigs in blankets can't be done by machines is it a pig in blanket or is it a kilted sausage what obviously some people have not got enough work to do it's a big blanket otherwise it'd be cute it's not a kilted sausage kilter tartan they told me yeah that half the country call it a kilted sausage okay anyone here let's have a referendum pigs in blanket the other option one person what were weatherspoons celebrating last week the money they've saved on bacon the fact that when you walk in the carpets quite squishy you've heard um i'm down there all the time i hate this vision of myself as not a spoons kind of guy did you see boris's panto performance in the comments on tuesdays let's have a look this has been one of you guessed what this parliament is going to do once we put the withdrawal of agreement back we're going to get brexit i did want to play a drinking game on news night every time a tory mp said get brexit done but i realized i'd be shit-faced before we finished that would massively improve news now it was nice to see jacob rees-mogg sitting up straight yes just that we haven't seen him the whole campaign certain people just disappeared during the campaign on both sides well he underwent a medical and they examined his dna and they realized he was a total tough spot which was very they're really fun names the candidates for labour leader there's rebecca long bailey who sounds like a delicious cocktail then this circular stammer who sounds like something a nazi officer would shout in the film yes oh shakira well your election is over who's the other really big loser in this election oh the bbc bbc because everybody hates them they've been attacked by both parties i mean genuinely one way to sort it out would be just to be completely scathing about everyone and everything all the time if hugh edwards came on and sort of said today lying bastard boris johnson clashed with terrorists sympathizing t jeremy corbyn about a stupid plan to build a load of ugly hospitals full of lazy nurses looking after revolting ill people and now here's the weather where you live which is a according to the express britain now has the gayest parliament in the world um you've heard a noise i think that's ann whitaker exploding he's been made a dame has she yeah wimbledon pantech just point out for the financial security of women and theater that she's not appearing there this year so you can take your children without worrying about them seeing ann whitaker i plucked it as a name out of the hat because i believe certain other performers have graced wimbledon with my presence i have shown my twanky at wimbledon to overwhelming critical success the audience hated it but the critics liked it oh no he didn't know he said yeah yes this is i mean yes yeah but nobody said anything remotely that could follow but yes i'm following or i'm following orders says [Laughter] like that whole chips and gravy thing what the hell is all that about you simple-minded apes what is chipped and gravy what's gravy on chips i thought you said chicken i thought it was a constituency i genuinely thought i was going to have to explain to you slot or chips and gravy i've i've had it with a pint in spoons okay here we go oh no yeah i'm afraid so terrible fishing game thing oh come on keep it light and fallon sheriff smashes the glass ceiling and wins at the world dance championship the first woman to beat a man at the world dance championship imagine what that scene would be like if they were serving alcohol why have odds been stacked so heavily against a female darts world champion until now well they've used they've historically been at the disadvantage of having better things to do what does fallon sheriff not have that most dance players do a nickname but you know you're darts he does yeah he knows he's arrows does he look what they say no friday night and spoons you're so lucky i became your president normally there's a guy in the back there with a latinos for trump sign who's quite obviously not latino it's going in i don't wish to brag but i'm used to a netflix budget yeah this is yeah christmas wouldn't be christmas without what greetings cards smart greeting cards clever queens cards family greetings cards rude greetings cards price treating cards from your family greeting cards are dressed to you christmas seasonal greeting cards with snow snowman on and robin's robin's glitter glitter glitter father christmas father christmas i have a chimney up a chimney give him some of the turkey he'll have some of that i'll have some of this that's right all the lot bleeding christmas for xmas no no christmas wouldn't be christmas priests without puns in greeting cards before we go there's just time for the caption competition i'm enjoying the breeze on my nipples yeah but what's the caption for the photo

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 321,241

Rating: 4.6718073 out of 5

Keywords: hignfy

Id: 57sQWNXUshc

Length: 66min 6sec (3966 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 15 2020