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Once upon a time there was a man named American McGee a man with a troubled past who made levels for some of the greatest FPS games ever made who then went on to produce his own games making his mark with American McGee's Alice A game that I hear is very good, but I'm ashamed to say I haven't played it myself But I have played his levels from doom and quake, you know quake he made some fine levels door to Chthon However, that's pronounced and haunted halls being my favorite of those but he didn't work on doom proper He worked on episode 4. Thy flesh consumed for ultimate doom And he made Hell Beneath and Hell beneath is the ball break It is the most obscenely difficult level in DOOM's history not including user made content and let me tell you something kids I'm pretty good at doom I play on ultraviolence son even in Plutonia because I loved by opening levels to have fucking arch vials in them I I don't want to be that guy, you know American McGee seems like a decent enough dude But in terms of level designers to come out of Id software He was the talented one who didn't blow it by thinking he was a rock star And in chocolate DOOM really fuck you fucking no Mouse look 35 FPS purest bullshit this level isn't bad Exactly. It's just a thousand percent dickish you start off walking into the first area where you're immediately shafted by shot gunners down there is toxic waste you don't want to go down there unless you want to beat the level because there's a semi secret with a rocket Launcher and some ammo giving you an absolutely goddamn necessary 12 rockets and here's a fun fact There are more rockets in this map Then there are extra hit points from health pickups because I'm playing on ultraviolence You can only get nine points a health of the entire level. Isn't that fun? And if you thought all that teleport and monster shit was over wait about 10 seconds Cuz there's more and more hit scanners and then a barren of hell teleports in and if you don't have those rockets Have fun with that. Hey, look guys. I beat it. I didn't even die once. Oh, Fuck Well, that was fun, but unfortunately we have to move on to the main event, which is American McGee presents bad day LA and if American McGee ever makes a game about impaling kittens on railroad spikes bad day LA would still be the worst thing with his name on it From what I can gather the idea for bad day LA came from some time when American McGee was driving down the freeway in Los Angles and saw a Homeland Security billboard and came to the conclusion that post 9/11 America was an insane place to live because of the Constant fear and stupidity of its residents that the government would feed into to push their own agenda of crazy shit and well I agree? With bad day LA's thesis statement. I unfortunately have to play it And it's fucking terrible looking at the credits It seems like a lot of this cheap shitty American game was farmed out to a Chinese company I'm not sure if that's social commentary or not. We start on a busy la freeway where we meet our main character Anthony So the main character of this game is an amalgamation of crotchy from postal two and three different sketches from Chappelle's Show and if this Game whips out a Rick James, bitch. I'm out But then a plane crashes and releases a biological weapon that turns people into zombies It was about this point that I knew this game was gonna be a shit show and I hadn't even played any of it yet I I Got to give it some credit it runs really well I was getting a solid hundred and twenty FPS most of the time even though I recorded sixty but it ought to be since the Game looks like shit and you can only run it in 1024 by 768 resolution That's it. That's all you get in terms of graphics options No, wait, you can turn shadow on and off you can turn shadow on and off You don't start shooting for a while what you have to do is use bandages to help people to keep your threat advisory down you guys remember the terror threat Advisory you remember 2006 those were simpler more innocent times I Just want to say this off the bat I don't want people to think the Katie's doing a bad job Editing because of the way that this game cut surrounded like the sound cuts out and shit. It's weird. It's not her fault Is that how we fight the man we extinguished burning people. Okay, that sounds reasonable Yeah, okay. Here's the thing. You can cure zombies by blasting them with the fire extinguisher So you don't really need to kill them and let me tell you once you get that shotgun. You won't want to Ya planks of wood, who is your daddy? Oh You you're as sassy as a hedgehog and if you wander off the path for like five seconds Anthony says You get this arrow at the top of the screen that tells you where to go right? And that's useful Except eventually it disappears and also to get it you need to ask some random asshole on the street for directions And if you do that Anthony forgets where he's going after 30 seconds The green gas turns people into zombies and it could turn you into a zombie if you're not careful Which I am NOT. So obviously this only happened to me one time during the entire game Flames of fire extinguishers would cure you if you're exposed You gotta escort this kid to an ambulance, he's the sick kid that's his name he pukes on people He's like a companion You don't actually have to save him or keep track of him or anything But you would think that you would but he's just there to puke a lot. He's not a zombie. He's just sick I noticed that I had regenerating health but it regenerates so slowly that it doesn't really matter There are mission objectives that seem random and can change at the drop of a hat if your threat level goes up First I have to help some people out then I have to kill some terrorists which is right in my wheelhouse And this game gives you a serviceable ak-47 for the job which is good because the shotgun from before it's fucking awful. Mr redneck can blow away innocent people with one shot But I don't think I put any less than three into the head of anything in this game to take it down The ak-47 is awful at long range Thankfully they gave you a sniper rifle a little later that does slightly more damage to the shotgun has the same sound Then zooms in and is basically functionally identical the sniping isn't even good. You can't really headshot. You have to face a sniper boss That's like playing whack-a-mole. You'll never see most of the snipers first, so I Understand the idea that this game is a little bit about the chaos that's happening here You don't reminds me of gameplay wise and humour wise it's like a shitty knockoff a postal No, actually, it's like a shitty knockoff of postal three. Yeah. Think about that for a fucking second YOUWOULDNEVERDAREASKFORMORE You die a lot from gunfire in this game because the terrorists and other armed NPCs can seemingly hit you from anywhere with the ak-47 And they'll fire at you relentlessly and also they respawn out of nowhere forever. You can heal yourself with bags of fast food That'll give you 30 health points, or you can get upgrades to max health with a porno magazine called FAP and that makes this noise Gross you can also get big gulps which overcharge your health but don't get a fat magazine after a big gulp because it actually takes health away because game design as far as I can tell you need to get the threat level down to exit so I do and I take the sick kid to the ambulance No, wait, I have to go find the keys to the ambulance by running around and responding to 911 calls This guy doesn't tell me where to go I mean he knows where I have to go but I have to ask for directions from random people in the street Once you do that and accidentally kill the dude with the keys you get to a turret section, my favorite It's great because the vehicle just drives through pedestrians and I don't mean it kills them I mean it drives right through them. You have to understand you're not in a vehicle. You're behind a gun and this shit here. It's What WHAT/ but the ambulance hits this gentleman with a chain saw Juan and I like when the voice actor pronounces a word correctly and not in that extremely subtle accent the subtitles correct him Juan is now a member of your party and that's bullshit because his chainsaw is useful and you don't get to have it Oh, yeah, and you can hear Juan's chainsaw in most of the cutscenes he's in The game likes to give you busy work Even if your threat level isn't high like healing random people or shooting zombies or whatever for it lets you do anything else it's kind of like a mandatory side quest the whole not killing people thing gets a little tricky when random assholes keep throwing bricks at You so I got to go postal, but then I die anyway Okay, first off you're dead second you're at one of your mission objectives right now, you dick Cool, I'm glad I died twice for that Oh, here we go violence towards a baby we're edgy as fuck now I just did a shitty platforming section to see that joke. Oh that noise there He makes that noise when he jumps not every time but like lots of times Hey, look I can step in dog poo and become stinky It's hard to play bad comedy because bad comedy just sucks the fucking life out of you So anyway, you have to get through this place where everything is on fire. But first you have to get these kids off drugs These elementary school kids there on drugs and you have to keep healing them with bandages and leading them out of the way because there's Evil gang members you have to kill No, I can't until I kill five gang members so your mother's gonna die No, it's fine she's fine. So I walked down the street a little bit Okay, I saved Martha what now Okay, I guess we're doing this again Huh, okay, you know what that's not a bad joke. I'll give that one to you fine what now? That's four trips into a burning house I'm still not in the goddamn Airport And now these gangsters have makeshift flamethrowers that are making my life Hell. it turns out it's a dog not that you can really tell from looking at it, but it yaps So It's a dog and it belongs to this Paris Hilton knockoff who was now added to your party you guys remember? 2006 this feels like playing a video game adaptation of a Seltzer Friedberg movies. I'm so hot Yeah, none of this matters because we don't actually see any of this stuff for before Anthony was a homeless asshole We have character development It's there it counts but I have to arbitrarily kill five more gangsters before it lets me go to the airport Jesus look at her arm. It's fucking mutated. Is that satire Or Is it just bad 3d modeling? I mean the whole game is hideous when it comes to the models, they just stretch and contort and it's really freaky I guess what I'm trying to say is and I want to put this in a way that this game in particular Would jive with nice fucking models Now comes the biggest and messiest fight in the game The designers just said let's throw a bunch of shit together and see what happens These gang members are spotted out of nowhere and lighting these people on fire You have to prevent them from being lit on fire to push a bus into a crater so you can cross because jumping and climbing Do not exist You get Molotov cocktails that are next to useless as explosive weapons because the area of effect is one person. Nice great So you get to the airport you have to deal with the topical comic brilliance of airport security jokes. You get tased by them Which is way more effective than the actual guns in this game, right and when you finally get into the place airport security stops you Oh I get it they're called ass they're called ass and that's all it was and they search you but they don't find the shotgun machine gun sniper rifle tire iron makeshift flamethrower molotov cocktails. No, they find a pair of nail clippers get it because you can't take them on a plane now You don't want to do that Just put the Clippers down and no one gets hurt, but the nail clippers turn out to be a deadly weapon They have a very powerful attack, but you didn't know and that's the joke the nail clippers are deadly even though you've theoretically been carrying them around this whole time and this joke doesn't work in the context of A shooting game you get another boss fight at the airport with well. Let me just play it. Let me let me show you guys So, you know, my biggest fear is a big black lady shoving a Taser up my ass at the airport, yep Look I'm not familiar with all the racial epithets taco benders a new one to me. Well, let's just call it satire and move on So anthony doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything He just wants to escape from LA in a game. That makes escape from LA look like Escape from New York so we got to save all these people this military guy with one arm is with us now and eventually get to a boat but Then there's a tidal wave but at least Kurt Russell isn't fucking surfing on it So now the city's underwater leading you to go through a jail, and it's more of the same Nothing important happens Anthony gets to a helicopter and he takes it for himself But he has a change of heart because it's time for that to happen in the story Hey, I remember that that was one level ago where he decided to save his friends instead of leaving him behind Like he's doing now, Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot It's just satire guys, it doesn't matter So the Mexican army invades see they're all gardeners because this is satire and they drive a tank from under the lawn, a tank with the wheels where the treads don't move Now you have to do a turret section on a tank where you kill American soldiers because that's the most Un PC thing you could do in the Bush years, man, you did not want to disrespect the troops You control the aiming of the machine gun with the mouse and the aiming of the cannon with WASD And that's fucking terrible because you have a crosshair on screen for the machine gun and the cannon might as well not be there Because you don't need it for anything really you're supposed to blow up walls with it But you can blow up walls with a bullet. So this is actually way easier than the other turret section Once the soldier guy takes over you have to shoot a couple of Mexican army soldiers. It's our take now friend Okay, this is so fucking bad that only like really stupid racists would find it funny. Oh Yeah, the zombie bomb that the military is gonna drop is gonna happen in like one hour but then I get it because hey Zeus and Jesus and Juan is on their side now But I couldn't tell because everyone is a stereotype and the only thing that separated him from everyone else was a chainsaw Yeah, that's the joke that's the joke All right And this game's gonna keep telling it until you think it's funny and you're never gonna think it's funny because you're not a fucking teenager WHICHHASDISCOVEREDFUCKING4CHAN IT'SABOUTTHESAME100YEAROLDFUCKINGSTEREOTYPESFOREVERYONE *The Gates of R'lyeth open* Wait, hold on is this a bomb that turns people into zombies a bomb that cures zombies or a bomb to blow up zombies? βππΌπΈβππΌ πππβππΌππ½ βπ-ππ Well it blows up but it cures zombies with an explosion And theoretically it kills Anthony, but don't worry once you let your companions go on the helicopter You have to survive long enough for them to escape you know on a helicopter that's in the air and would be on a range of that bomb in like 10 seconds and Can't be attacked by zombies and then you detonate the bomb, but then Yeah, man Bitches, I think every game I played out was the worst thing I've ever played. I think that's where we are now I think that they just find these games in a flea market I hear 21 has the new God of War, but I know he sucked a dick for it I wouldn't do that, next DOOM game though. My jaw is gonna go numb. I tell you that much You
