Awkward Situation People Put Themself Into (2 Hours Reddit Compilation)

what's the most embarrassingly awkward situation you ever encountered while staying at a friend's house as a kid when he pulled out a machete from under the bed at 3am and said he used it to cut lizard's heads off in the morning i walked in on his little brother not masturbating but just playing with his junk in the middle of the living room i nope the frick out and never went back sleep over woke up to weird noises looked to my left to see my bud bang in his girlfriend right there in the same room sleep over and you didn't join the threesome as they wanted dude was sleeping on the floor while there i had a pretty good view under the bed and i came face to face with some seriously skidded up underpants i wasn't impressed i would regularly go to my buddy's house and his dad kept a sign on his bedroom door that read if you hear us a rockin don't come a knock in my aunt had a sign on her door that read the orgy room i got up to pee in the middle of the night my friend's dog knocked me over held me down and started humping me i was maybe eight very small and thin i couldn't fight the dog off thank god i was wearing pants and not a gown i basically had to lay there until he was done i still don't like big dogs to this day that's walked into a devoutly christian household to see my friend's younger brother peg a bible at his father knock over of ours moon his mother and run out got to the word pagan thought this would go in a whole different direction when i was in grade school i had a friend i used to play with that lived around the corner from my house he had a tree house and a sega genesis and a game boy color and a super nintendo a bazillion games and movies i had none of those things so i hung out with him a lot a few months after we started hanging out i had a sleepover with him he went to the bathroom and a few minutes later i heard him shout mom i'm ready his mom yelled to his dad bob or whatever his name was it's your turn turns out his parents wiped his butt for him literally we were probably eight or nine he had no physical or cognitive handicaps his parents were his physical and cognitive handicaps when i was pretty young say six or seven i was staying over at one of my good friend's houses i stayed there a lot so her parents knew that i would sometimes sleep walk what they did not expect was for me to sleep walk to their kitchen put an apple in the toaster pull down my pajamas and pee on the kitchen floor right in front of both of my friends parents apparently i thought i was in a bathroom these same parents still bring this incident up at dinner parties there's no living down the shame of the great sleepy one of the kids that was their crap himself his parents showed up shortly after and started yelling at him in front of everybody that kid was me it isn't about the possibility of free will nor is it about how neil degrasse tyson changed my life it's not about how being a lazy butt does nothing for you it's about me crapping myself [Music] i slept walk as a kid and damn parents didn't really bother to tell me or inform me really they'd mention it but i never remember doing any of the things they mentioned so as a kid i just shrugged it off i slept over once and crashed on the couch apparently i got up in the middle of the night just kinda loudly asking for water repeatedly just yelling for some water because i was thirsty the kitchen was like directly to my left someone woke up and appeased me with a glass of water woke up with no knowledge of this everyone acted oddly with me in the morning while i still had no idea it wasn't cleared up until like a week later they must have thought i was crazy early teenager but i was invited to a friend of a friend's house rich looking place about 15 minutes and we go in the backyard swimming pool i slam a beach ball right into his mom's face enough to send her head back later we had dinner and i slept over like nothing happened cool people well it was an accident well this wasn't embarrassing on their part it was all me i was staying over my friend's house as her grandmother had just passed away suddenly this was when i was 14 so our standard response at the time was your mum it was the ultimate answer for any question so it became a kind of reflex by now i am sure you know where this is going yep say my friend's mum comes in the room eyes read from crying and asks what are you girls doing with a smile on her face without missing a beat i respond with we're doing your moo and just trailed off i looked at the shocked and horrified expression on my friend's face and knew there was no recovery to be made and simply said i am very sorry mrs surname that was really rude and insensitive but it was too late she burst into tears insisted that it was fine and then left the room i still feel really awful seriously she had passed away that morning and that kids is why we communicate with people properly i used to sleep under his bed don't ask one morning i woke up but for whatever reason i thought i was in the bathroom and i just peed right there i blamed the dog and asked for a pair of his underwear because i spilled water on myself he knew sorry i have to ask why being exposed to my best friend's abusive father this guy was a piece of work i remember cowering in misery at the dinner table and saying i wanted to go home i also realized how awful it was that my friend was stuck in this environment 24 stroke 7 whereas i could escape fairly quickly ugh but for the grace of god go i mine was at a sleepover when i was about eight i was dreaming about how badly i had to pee in my dream i sat on the toilet and with a sigh of relief peed i woke up from the dream in the middle of peeing myself i was sleeping on the floor in a now sopping wet comforter that's happened to me before since then i always check that i'm not sleeping before i start to pee thirteen-year-old me was at a friend's house for a sleepover we were sleeping in the entertainment room which was right next to his parents bedroom we then hear a rhythm of soft thuds the pace begins to pick up i wasn't too sure what it was at first but then another kid leans over to my friend and asks are your parents freaking my friend stayed quiet i could tell that with every thud his childhood was being chiseled away in first grade my best friend will and i used to roll up in blankets and caterpillar around his house we called this taco time one day we tacoed right into his parents room his parents were doing a dorky on the bed and we were all curled up in blankets watching they noticed screamed and we taco'd out of there as fast as we could idky i laughed so hard at taco time lol my best friend's mom was an alcoholic and his dad was a pilot so he ws frequently gone his mother was beautiful but when she drank she was a horrible person one night when we were about 12 we were sitting on the floor playing a board game and his mother came in the room drunk and naked i felt a bad for my friend we just kept our eyes glued to the game not daring to look up she was yelling about him for something but he just answered her without looking at her then she went and sat in a chair next to us and fell asleep then i said something like i have some new baseball cards do you want to go see them so we ran over to my house and i whispered to my mother mrs jones is drunk can bobby sleep here we had six kids in a small house but my mother made room for us to sleep in the den the sad thing is they moved but i caught up with him years later and invited him to my wedding he came and got drunk when i was like 13 my friend's little nine-year-old brother chased his handicapped six-year-old brother around with their mom's douchebag yelling mom puts this in her pee just then my friend's mom who i had never met happens to come home to catch them doing this and the older one told her that i found the douchebag and told him to do it i just left i sneaked out with my friend so to sculpt about the neighborhood at night came back and found his mom's boyfriend passed out drunk on the couch with his pants down and his hand on his junk i once found my brother asleep on the sofa trousers down dong in hand sounds like the classic post masturbatory nap went with my friend and his mom to her brother's house early 80s and they sat the kids in the living room and they had an illegal copy of heavy metal playing for us i was probably 10 heard quiet then laughing from the adults room the talk about balls and ounces then friend's mom came in and quickly said let's go kinda figured years later they were doing coke and then started fighting about a deal gone bad i had a sleepover at my house with this one girl i was 10 she was 12. we were both big fans of harry potter and we talked about it before going to bed she kept going on about how hot she found harry which i thought was weird since i wasn't yet at the age where i thought about these things anyway we went to bed i was always pretty flighty it took me a good hour to make myself fall asleep but the other girl fell asleep quickly then she started talking in her sleep i had never known anyone who talked in their sleep before took me years to find out i did it so i thought this was some sort of game i recall she was saying something about loving harry so i started talking back to her whispering in her ear that i was hairy while giggling she freaking launches at me supposedly in her sleep and starts touching me in awkward places while muttering how much she loves harry i shoved her off no easy task she was rather large and i was a skinny goblin of a kid and jumped up from the floor we were sleeping onto my bed curled up by the wall and freaked out she started crying and begging harry to come back i just sat there and stared out the window trying to ignore it until i fell asleep on my bed the next morning she seemed perfectly cheerful and normal i chose not to bring it up ever at all i still don't know if she was actually asleep it just took a joke too far or genuinely was trying to get me tl dr was partially physically shamed by a supposedly sleeping friend who thought i was harry potter had a friend years ago who showed me his p stash as a young teen who had never seen tentacle gente freaking before i was creeped out and left as soon as i could i caused a hilariously awkward situation because i thought it was funny i was visiting my later island highly religious new friend's house for the first time his parents made steak for dinner and as we sit down at the table i grab the steak knife hold it up and with a 100-yard stare quietly say i haven't been allowed to hold knife since the incident the room was silent and i continued to stare at it for a good 20 seconds before i began laughing my butt off later i was told i seriously freaked out his family and my friend was mortified but they were able to look back on it and laugh i was probably like 12 at the time does 17 qualify as being a kid i'll tell my story anyway i was at my girlfriend's house and we were getting down and dirty we though we were home alone but her dad was right downstairs the whole time she was making noises that were definitely audible from downstairs we finished up and went downstairs and her dad was sitting right there on a sofa hey chris how are you he said i had no idea what to say i awkwardly said hi to him he asked me to join them for dinner the entire dinner i was expecting him to leap across the table and kick my butt he didn't he seemed relatively jolly the entire time for me and my girlfriend it was the most awkward dinner we've ever had was led to the cool older brothers room to hang out older brother proceeds to show us his stash of pee magazines hardcore stuff i was eight years old mind blown he then tries to show us through his pants how big his dong is by stretching the garment and pushing his dong around somehow he was trying to prove to us that hoss dong was bigger than the ones of the guys in the magazines mind confused also because the friend whose house it was and who was standing there was his sister that is a girl on which i had a crush and who appeared totally fine with that whole set up mind how the frick do i handle this situation after due consideration of whether it would impress her if i entered into the show your dong show as well eight-year-old me turned around said i think i have to pee and left for the bathroom still wondering whether otherwise this would have ended in some weird incest diddler trauma my friend's dad had a heart attack and died in the bedroom this was when we were about six or seven my friend's mom called my parents to come pick me up but due to certain circumstances neither of them arrived until several hours later i kind of locked myself in the bathroom and pretended i couldn't hear anything while the mom explained everything to my friend and her siblings i was reminiscing with my oldest friend about how we met he has always had a weird family but he recently told me of a conspiracy between my mom and himself to always be at my house instead of me ever going there was at my friend's house when she got into a fight with her parents a massive fight involving lots of screaming and some hitting i just stood there and watched until her dad shuffled me downstairs to watch tv i had just moved to a new area and was making new friends the first time i get a kid to stay the night at my house his cat dies while he is away very awkward pick up the next morning also i was staying the night at a friend's house when the mom found out she was pregnant again she didn't want another kid and we could hear her sobbing all night was at a friend's house when i was 10 and his dad casually and gently punched me in the stomach in a total joking manner it hurt so bad i crumpled over and cried for hours turns out my appendix had burst and i had lymphoma we joke about it now saying he gave me cancer sleepover at my house my best friend and i were in my room watching a movie and i fell asleep around 10 i woke up to her nudging me violently because apparently my goddamn parents decided it was the night they were going to make their headboard slap the wall over and over and over our bedrooms shared a wall and my folks were so obnoxious about it my friend was mortified so we went in the basement and waited until we felt it was safe i didn't have friends over much i was about 14 15 years old have had to wear diapers for a lot of my life i pretty much own it now but then it was pretty embarrassing obviously was staying at a good friend's house for a week or so he knew i had to wear them but his other friend who was there with us hanging out for the first night of the week did not a long story short i'm getting set to changing on the floor in the bathroom when unknowing friend walks in on me pajama pants off laying on the floor in a wet diaper he laughs at me while i sit there not having any idea what to do in shock and then he takes my bag of supplies powder extra diapers and throws them outside into the pool so now i'm stuck in the bathroom with nothing to change into long story short his mom had to go down to walgreens and buy me a new pack while i waited crying in their bathroom in a wet diaper at 14 years old and i had to watch his dad retrieve my spares from the pool and i was there for a week so we're talking maybe 25 plus diapers half of which were for night time and thus more absorbent all expanding to full capacity that's maybe 75 pounds of wet trash that had to be pulled from the pool it took a long time and he wouldn't let me help not that i really wanted to sit there crying and doing that anyway story ends nicely though because the other friend was banned from the house he managed to freak out one of the pool filters pretty badly after a diaper floated in there and burst his parents had to pay to fix it and my friend didn't really like him anymore after that and the whole family was really nice to me about it and the rest of the week wasn't even embarrassing and the pool was fixed within two days so that was fun but that whole night was just the worst diapers are something people wear to contain their pee and poop anyone over the age of three understands this concept therefore asking someone why they'd wear a diaper is a dumb question i do not apologize for calling it a dumb question the fact is that i've got a bunch of comments heavily downvoted where all i said was that it's not anyone else's business and it's not their decision whether it is or isn't their business one guy harassed me called me [ __ ] etc because i wouldn't go into detail and he is being supported for that that is not so bananas you guys you don't need any more details i'll talk about wearing the dang things all day i don't have a problem with that but you don't need to know why i need them outside of the obvious reasons and you do not get to decide whether or not it's your business it isn't wow that's rough people can be so mean and glad your friend and his family supported you i was at a friend's house and we went over to pet his dog an old golden retriever she did not move when he touched her and we soon realized she was not moving or breathing at all he got his father who came over and confirmed that she had passed away in her sleep the whole family was crying and i was a little too young to really grasp how sad it was to lose the family dog even in such a peaceful way i suppose it was really sad more than it was really awkward my parents had to come pick me up so that they could grieve as a family i was at my childhood best friend's house after a sleepover we were maybe 10 we went to play a game on the home desktop but someone had left play girl up it had to have been either her younger brother who was always on the computer or her mom she jumped to the brother conclusion relentlessly teasing him as soon as we saw it and for weeks if not years after i just sat there uncomfortably until my parents picked me up waking up as her dad was playing the role of the tooth fairy he froze and we both stared each other i rolled over and went back to bed and nothing was mentioned about it ever i hope he looked the part when i was about 12 i slept over at my friend's friend's house i didn't really know them well but we wound up sleeping in her living room the girl was my friend's neighbor when i woke up in the morning her older brother was spooning me i he wasn't even in the room when we went to sleep and i didn't even know the kid i just woke up freaked out and left i was a very w drawn kid there was a lot of physical mental abuse in my family so anyway i got invited by this girl to spend the night w her i was stunned but so happy during the night we were sleeping on the floor together she started crying and i didn't know what to do and never let her know i was awake my back was to her her daddy came in and was asking her what the matter was she told him that she didn't want me there but she wanted her best friend whom i guess she had been mad at he told her he'd take me home in the m and they'd pick up a friend i never let on that i was awakened right there hearing all of this i don't think i ever stayed w anyone again i was crushed and never told anyone this makes me sad now to even think of this thanks op well i have my two cutties now and i feel blessed oil that's rough when i was around 10 years old i peed my pants while spending the night at my friends i ran to her room to change my shorts but when i went back out there her sister was sniffing around with a grossed out look on her face i played dumb about any stink then i did it again the problem was when i would laugh it would open the gates so i tried desperately not to laugh at jokes or anything funny to avoid any embarrassment but to no avail i was too afraid to talk to my mom about it so i went years with the problem once i got to my friend's house and he was just there naked sitting in front of the computer desk i played like it was nothing he also did he eventually got dressed by his mother when i was younger i was having a sleepover at my best friend's house she had an older brother who was about 19 at the time and he was going through a rough patch in his life where he was slowly getting into drugs we were sitting in her family room the day pope john paul ii was dying all of a sudden her front door gets kicked in there was so much screaming five or six police officers burst through the door guns drawn looking for a fight to arrest her older brother who had apparently just come back from selling sea to an undercover cop he came downstairs completely out of it and he was arrested the police officer proclaimed that he was being arrested for trafficking of narcotics possession of this manufacturing that prostitution somehow and a few other things it was so awkward afterwards his parents were in complete shock disappointment and disbelief and his mother was weeping uncontrollably that i kindly excused myself and made the two-hour walk home to avoid it mother and father got into a heated argument which resulted in him slapping her and then throwing her over a fence worst thing my friend just kept playing super nintendo with his eyes glazed there were three of us at a friend's house when we were around age 8 and we were hungry so my friend asked if we could have something to eat until her mom was like no we can't afford to feed everyone then she gave us one to quit to each it was the first time when i visited my friend's house his mother left us home alone for a while and went to buy some food i decided to explore their apartment so i walked into his mom's bedroom and started opening some drawers i found a corn cob here i was seven years old so i didn't know what it is she walked into the room just after i picked it up from the drawer she seemed terrified and call my mother to pick me up i realized the awkwardness of this situation few years later my friend getting beat with a metal spatula by her mother because she didn't change out of her school clothes as soon as she got home i was sitting downstairs the whole time we were playing apples to apples with his family and a family friend my friend happens to be black his parents are white anyways the adjective was earthy and i thought i had the perfect card the williams sisters needless to say it got pretty awkward after that nsw walmart workers of reddit what's your people of walmart story just last week i was unloading a truck in the back and this morbidly obese woman hobbles through the big associates only doors bends over and takes a crap on the floor pulls her pants back up and walks out i got written up for yelling what the actual frick but after the managers looked at the camera they thought it was justified for me to yell that and let me off with a warning i don't know what happened to her but the maintenance guys were pee i feel like walmart is one of the few things where all of the stereotypes and stories you hear are actually really super accurate in my experience a very overweight woman with a walker strapped to the back of her electric wheelchair was drinking half and half straight from a carton while she threw loose pairs of sandals all over the floor sounds like some really eccentric performance art fond lactose i don't work there but this lady started screaming about a golden lab service dog being too close to her child the child was sitting in a cart in the checkout line and the dog was calmly sitting on the floor behind her the dog doesn't bark lick move nothing and then the woman gets ghetto and starts shouting at everyone in sight she had to be escorted from the store and never got to buy her stuff lol at least walmart protected the real victim my buddy was a loss prevention officer for wm he walked around the store all day catching shoplifters one day after working there for about half a year he saw a woman stuffing merchandise into her children's clothes when he approached her she started yelling and screaming that he was trying to molest her kids then she started spitting on him and saying that she had aids he quit later that day and i don't blame him customer asked them do you have beef from a pig me do you mean pork them no not pork beef from a pig after a lot of basically guessing what the frick they wanted and them repeating no beef from a pig i was able to figure out that they meant ground pork my boyfriend and i dread walmart but sometimes it's the best or easiest option we were walking through the parking lot to get to the doors and halfway there we stopped to see a circle of people watching a skinny crackle looking woman on a motorized scooter she's bouncing on it and trying to push it forward but it seems to be out of batteries and with every bound she is yelling and obscenity bounce crap bounds [ __ ] we continue walking and a six-foot black man wearing a spandex dress and a wig comes through the double doors and as he passes the woman on the motorized cart he starts cackling r walmart while i was a cashier at walmart during my sophomore year in high school only two stories stand out one i was put at one of the smaller cash registers for the 15 items or less positioned right in front of the subway inside the store this family with three younger kids sat on the benches in front of subway and bought the three kids those flute like recorders and left their kids there while they went grocery shopping those kids blew into those this for a good 45 minutes to an hour driving all of us insane i had to do everything in my power not to snap every one of them over my knee two there was a lady with a small baby i needed to call the police on because the baby was crying and the mom's solution was to shake it violently and scream at it to stop it went on far too long and i asked a manager what to do and she said call nine one one so i did you couldn't pay me enough to work there again shivers announcing on the intercom carnal interactions are not allowed in the store you know who you are i think i just saved two teams futures story time basically i worked in the video department of walmart i just sat around and made sure everything was right through the cameras then i saw two teams in an empty row the boy whipped his thingy so i announced what had to be said shortly i was fired by my manager okay so one day i was working doing my thing and i hear someone ask me a question so i turn around to see who was talking and i see a dead man well he looked dead anyway i swear if he wasn't walking and talking i would have legitimately believed he was dead his skin was a deep grayish blue his hands his fingernails his lips save his eyes and teeth i did a good job of not losing my composure and i answered his question without addressing his appearance never found out what his glitch was but my best guess is that he had algeria from drinking colloidal silver either that or i see dead people he was a synth don't work there but i was in line behind a girl so fricked up on pain pills that she sat on a bench and crapper pants that's just kristen she's one of the assistant managers i worked at walmart for three months before quitting i worked the delhi and was called the dumbass while cutting up some old frick's cheap roast beef my co-worker then told him we all were either working on our bachelor's or had gotten out of the army he promptly shut up another time a whale of a woman and her crying mini whale stormed up to me while i was heading into the store to start my [ __ ] and began verbally berating me saying my daughter has a 104 fever where is your goddang baby tylenol i almost got fired because i replied if your kid has that high of a fever you need a doctor not tylenol not to mention the item she wanted had apparently been recalled worked at walmart for a year and a half one night some kids hacked into out war of speakers and started playing p at full blast none of the managers knew what was going on so they just were standing in front of the speakers listening to women moaning and men grunting eventually they just unplugged all the speakers best night at work ever my cousin works at the pharmacy station in a walmart and they are extremely understaffed one day a pharmacist called in sick at a different walmart so my cousin's pharmacist had to run that one also so it took longer than usual for people to get their medication this lady came in and looked at a long line and was like i'll be back this line is too long just kind of announced it and left a shop an hour later she came back and yelled at my cousin for why the line wasn't shorter and she tried to convince the people in line to let her go ahead because she was already in the walmart for an hour when she didn't get her way she just left former walmart employee worked the delhi santa pimp i have no other name it was an older man who played the role of santa year-round in the winter he was dressed as classic santa in the summer he wore red shorts white t-shirt and red suspenders still in santa character built in the fall and spring he wore a bright red track suit with a white stripe and a bright red white brim pimp hat no other way to describe it i named him santa pimp there was also the person in the motor scooter cart whose stomach was scraping the floor as she drove and the woman who was out of breath walking to the deli was having a hard time breathing as she ordered two pounds of mozzarella sticks then proceeded to start eating them as she wheezed her way away from the deli i worked there for a couple of years and produced while in college and there was this elderly woman that would regularly come onto me it was usually just harmless flirting from her but one time it escalated a bit i was stocking grapes at like 10 p.m and the woman comes up to me asking if they're sweet i tell her that i have no clue because i'm not allowed to try them i actually know an employee who was fired for sampling the produce but that she was free to which she does she then encourages me to try it again but i tell her no finally she points to something and tells me to look and pops a grape in my mouth she then puts her arm around my waist and asks was it sweet right into my ear i said yes and quickly excused myself to the back room again like many others i do not work there but this story scarred me as a kid some huge burly black dude came in behind me and my mother wearing a mini skirt and a mini tank top both of which were hot pink and match in his wig he is also carrying a purse with a fake dog in it now i do not mind crossdressers or ever have i was eight when this happened bitty really seemed off like he wasn't trying to play the part but was trying to make fun of crossdressers my mother didn't notice him until he threw a tantrum yes a big burly adult man and screamed i mean like literally his lungs almost fell out i want chocolate on my man period no uh and then like three other dudes walked up with heart-shaped boxes of chocolate i am guessing it was a prank or a joke of some sort but it freaked me over as a little kid i don't work there but i shop there often since it's right beside my house walking distance so one day i'm buying flowers and get well balloons for my friend who is battling lung cancer while at the checkout line this guy obviously older guy was trying to hit on me what was creepy was that he asked my age and i said 18 which he replied i got here just in time i now say that i'm 17 when asked the true creeps are not deterred by 17. i worked nights in the bath and bedding department one night we had a drunk guy and his sober gf come in looking for a bathroom mirror so i tried to help him the best i could so i could just get him out of the store i showed him the countertop mirrors and he got extremely offended because he wanted one for in the shower he started yelling at me and i decided that i had enough of that crap and i started to walk away to go get a manager this guy grabbed me by my shoulder whipped me around to face him and started shaking me by my shoulders and screaming in my face i promptly ran to the office and had a panic attack because yey anxiety my manager called the police and about 30 seconds later my co-worker came in saying a drunk guy just pee on the bike rack it was an eventful night couple quick things i remember from my walmart employment first was the one day as i'm leaving work i walk out the front door and i see a guy walking in with a squirrel on his shoulder i do a double take and sure enough there's a guy with a life squirrel perched on his shoulder second story was once when one of my fellow associates had to take a motorized cart back to the front from the garden center whoever had been in the cart previously had wet themselves and there was still a puddle the unknowing associate sat right and said puddle from that day on i triple checked the carts before i rode them back had a man walk to the liquor isle calmly take a bottle of vodka walk to the sporting goods section while chugging it then take a fishing knife out of its packaging walk calmly to the toy section and then cut his own arms open in front of a family the blood was everywhere he survived somehow what really astounds me is that it never showed up on the news neither did the bomb threat that we had several months earlier walmart has deep pockets most of these things aren't unique to people who shop at walmart i see this sort of stuff at the public library all the time okay so i do not work at walmart but had the pleasure of visit a walmart in a small mountain town of western nc anyway i was waiting in the checkout line and this family was in front of me i was impressed with how normal this family was mom dad and son all had the appropriate amount of teeth and not too heavy accents that assumption was the wrongest i had ever been so i was waiting there for like five minutes when the son who was probably five or six starts acting weird like dancing etc i assumed he had to go to the bathroom and the parents were ignoring him well this kid literally dropped his pants and laid a deuce right in front of me in the checkout line the worst part was his parents watched and then continued on with the checkout process didn't apologize didn't clean it up or anything all they said was we encourage him to express himself i have no idea how crapping in public is expressing himself but that was the single grossest thing i have ever seen i felt so bad for the poor walmart worked who had to clean it up i used to work as a video game merchandiser and walmart was one of my main stores so while i wasn't really employed there i still dealt with customers and so on one night we were having a midnight launch of some game and it was pretty slow so i was just straightening and talking to customers in walks and this young couple with a stroller and a toddler in hand now mind you this is about 11 30 at night on a monday the toddler is fussy and keeps telling her parents she's tired and just wants to go to bed her father outright smacks her and tells her to be quiet cause he's looking at video games needless to say i called the manager and they kindly asked them to leave and no they didn't buy any video games i've only been to a walmart a handful of times i don't live in america but i heard a woman say to her four five year old son you're gonna fix your face or i'm gonna slap the [ __ ] out of it i worked at walmart at myrtle beach one summer during college and while stocking the shampoo section a fairly large woman came up to me and asked if i knew where the feminine spray was thoughts running through my 19 year old head in the span of about five seconds one what's that two she said feminine for a reason three whoa they make sprays for feminine areas four you what she must have seen the deer in the headlights look on my face and decided i needed a more thorough explanation of the product for which she was inquiring she proceeded to squat down wave her hand in front of her feminine bits and say quite loudly you know coochie spray her boyfriend turned to her and asked wait you've gotten that here to which you responded now but i figured they've got it it's walmart at this point i'm pretty much speechless but i vaguely remember mumbling something along the lines of try over in pharmacy tl dr a woman asked me where she could find coochie spray while waving her hand in front of her crotch i used to work inside a walmart at a subway one time i had to use the bathroom and as soon as i walk in i noticed two pairs of feet in the handicapped stall i think no big deal probably just a caretaker helping out and then two perfectly able middle-aged men come out i was a little confused at first but i thought maybe it's just a couple of guys satisfying their urges i zipped up and turned to wash my hands when i see one of them washing off a syringe and spoon it was a sad reflective evening for me as i said to myself i may hate this job but i am not a rage addict so i've got that going for me once a lady attempted to pay me without knowing how much her money was worth she tried to quarter by quarter pay for her seven dollars worth of items while looking expectedly at me with each coin after exhausting the three dollar in coins she brought in i told her i could remove one of the items which was unacceptable she asked so were good a few times i told her i still needed more payment and she huffed and said people in new york were much nicer sam's club associate here since we're technically owned by walmart accounts right do you work here asked about 10 times a day do you sell tracfone cricket or straight talk no we don't well why the heck not do you take cash for newline's number people like you are why we don't where's the iphones directly in front of you we have a group of men who will come in and try to haggle for everything forty dollars phone case they don't wanna pay more than twenty dollars but start at five dollars i bought this phone here three years ago can i return it nope you had a 14 day window three years ago you gave me the wrong color phone sir you asked for silver and got silver i've got plenty more i'm running the fancy new self-checkout machines when an elderly lady approaches me with three items and asks me to show her how to use the machines i stroll over with her bend down to scan the first item and then it hit me crap the thickest smell of crap that could possibly be produced by a human assails my nostrils like a chemical weapon i quickly check out all of her items for her and send her on her way but not before she gives me a pat on the back for helping she toddles away and that's when i noticed the brown chunks falling out from her pant leg then a scream of unbridled terror rises from the back of the store the brown chunks led right back to the bathroom and as maintenance later told me it was as if a literal [ __ ] storm had happened in that room the mirrors the store doors the floor even the goddamn ceiling was covered in a thick layer of refuse maintenance worked their way backwards from the entrance and i thought the worst was over until my co-worker pointed out the handprint shaped [ __ ] sting on my vest bonus of the story walmart refused to give me a replacement vest ex-employee here had a tweaker run in gushing blood out of his leg left a trail all the way to the bathroom upon where he locked himself in a stall and continued to pull up blood had to be taken out by ambulance oh and to top it off they had a standard employee clean up the hazard spill unrelated to walmart but was at the eb games where i worked for several years parents wouldn't buy their kids saints row 3 kid was 13. i told the parents you can whip gimps with giant purple corncobs and their kid got angry he told me he hated me then proceeded to lay on the floor screaming his little crap-eating face till it turned literally cherry red he shouted and cried so much that he passed out and the ambulance had to come get him needless to say my face was also turning red because i never laughed so hard in my life worked at walmart for four months after high school saw a baby almost die in the lobby it wasn't breathing and was going blue i was trying to hold people back with the cards i was a carp boy ambulance came and resuscitated the baby and took it to the hospital got in trouble for blocking traffic into the store similar thing happened to my co-worker where he used the carts to stop people from crowding around a passed out lady and he got fired for it frick that place not a walmart employee but worked in a walmart as a vendor land whale scooters would frequently run out of juice as being a ham planet mobile is quite the strenuous job they will do anything it takes not to have to walk over and get another scooter even if they spend 15 minutes slowly inching over to the front of the store on the little scooter that good the first day they put me on a register by myself a lady's water broke in my line so instead of leaving she just waited in line like nothing happened bought her dvd player then left all the time someone put a used diaper in one of the boxes of chocolate at the register which is why i no longer eat chocolate anymore some things just can't be unseen couple months ago i was working in the home decor type area overnight kinda autopilot working frayed when out of the corner of my eye i see someone pull the pillows out then get down in the shelf then pull the pillows over him i walked casually by to make sure and sure enough i could see him i could so i went to a nearby co-worker and tell him i have no clue how to handle this situation but there is a guy laying in the shelves ended up getting the manager and she just casually told him he can't be laying there we lose a lot of money and stolen merchandise from makeup sections so management decided to lock it up behind glass screens we ended up losing more money in customers not wanting to call someone to open it than we did in stolen merchandise we lose either way i've been working at walmart for just over a year and a half and have seen some very interesting crap some of the people and things i remember are a drunk native american walking around the store giving random steaks to people a guy roughly in his 20s at the store before we closed wanted condoms with his macaroni people stealing expensive items through the pharmacy emergency door seen many people walk in the store drunk due to the liquor store right beside the building had kids set a garbage can on fire in the washroom had kids overflow the toilet in the washroom which caused water to go ten feet into the actual store had people who were fat enough that their fat was pouring out of the bottom of their shirts if i remember any more stories i'll add them through edits i don't work at walmart but my best friend does this happened on black friday while i'm hanging out at his house before he goes to work he gets a phone call he starts laughing and hangs up then he turns to me and says that was my manager some ghetto ladies got into a fight and one picked her kid up by the arms and tried to hit the other lady with him the other lady grabs the kid puts him in a shopping cart pushes the shopping cart down an aisle and the parent looks at her and yells don't you touch my child i'm glad i'm not there right now what the frick a man tried to drive his riding lawn mower into the store he got as far as the lobby the early morning strippers are dressed surprisingly better than the average clientele one woman assaulted another with a live lobster back when that was still a thing honestly i've forgotten more people than anyone should have to witness for the pay i make my mother has worked at walmart for many years now as an optometrist in the vision center even though she's usually in her office and doesn't see much of the shopping people she gets a good amount of crazies also so she's going about her business and going through her appointments when this 28 year old woman shows up first of all she is wearing pink pajama pants a tank top and brushed hair and according to my mom and brushed teeth of course my mom doesn't say anything about it since this wasn't the first time for this to happen so this lady gets in the chair and my mom asks her the usual questions where the lady gives some half-hearted answers that is until they get to this question mom are you on any medications lady no but i do have a concussion mom but you're not on medication lady no my doctor told me i don't need any mom but he diagnosed you with a concussion lady yes mom okay what is your doctor's name so i can ask him to put you on medication lady oh he's retired now mom screaming internally excuse me lady yeah he's been retired for two years now mom then how did he diagnose you with a concussion lady oh he diagnosed me a couple weeks before he retired mom then why do you still think you have a concussion lady he never diagnosed me with not having a concussion by this point i was laughing too hard to listen to the rest of it ex-worker of walmart gonna give one of my good stories worked at a small store in the middle of nowhere there was a legend that there was a hot exhibitionist chick who came in time to time and walked around naked sometimes until she was told to leave and they call the cops thought it was all myth till i went to clean up a mess in the soda aisle and walked by the freezers and there she was completely naked i stared longer than socially acceptable i had just turned 18 and there were boobs then walked away and didn't say anything to anyone it was awesome people who ignored the don't try this at home warning what did you do put orange juice in a soda stream and tried to carbonate it it had a warning saying not to do it i read said warning i'm usually not the type of person who ignores warnings but this didn't seem like it would be an issue i thought it was because the carbonator tube would get sticky and clogged but i thought that i could clean it nope that's not why it freaking explodes i was finding sticky spots for months you know those parker videos i tried doing some of that when i was 12. i jumped from a bench onto a small wall and i landed on my belly ugh that was painful i couldn't breath and my thighs hit the edge so i couldn't walk either but i looked cool right there are entire youtube videos dedicated to watching kids trying to do parker and getting their crap wrecked i was staying at my friend ben's house who was a bit of a latchkey kid the movie daredevil had just come out and i was maybe 12 it was two in the morning and we were busy skating around the front of his house annoying the frick out of his neighbors i got the awesome idea that we should light the skate rail we had on fire just like in daredevil so i grabbed a can of gasoline that was sitting in his garage and proceeded to coat the rail with it after coating the rail with the gasoline i lit the gas and it was a little lackluster i figured let's just throw some more gas on this thang so i did the gas trickling out of the can caught fire and the can exploded in my hand luckily my reflexes saved my butt and i let go of the can just as the flame hit it ben's lawn was completely aflame i just walked inside and didn't do anything about it because i didn't want to get in trouble tl dr tried to be ben affleck lit my friend's lawn on fire it's not your fault i drank antifreeze on purpose it's both spicy and sweets at the same time not in a chinese food kind of way in a chemical reaction on your tongue kind of way it's delicious and if you taste it you'll understand why animals and children will drink it not recommended antifreeze now has a bittering agent european coolants for a while mandated in the u.s a couple years ago in it to prevent people and animals from drinking it the flavor is bitter salty sour metallic which i discovered when i got splashed in the face while draining coolant definitely one of the worst things i've ever tasted not sure there's ever been a don't try this at home warning for this particular thing but it certainly qualifies as something stupid now to set the scene a bunch of mates and i go camping every year it's a pretty awesome weekend and we get up to all sorts of stuff well this year in our drunken wisdom we decided to shake the crap out of a can of beer bury it and then build the fire pit on top don't ask me why we're freaking idiots or something so cut to a few hours later we've all completely forgotten about our little time bomb ticking away all sat around having a good time when the mother of all explosions takes place we'd had the campfire down to a bed of coals for cooking thankfully so that when the can went off it only launched dirt ash and coal around as opposed to what would have happened had we built it up roaring like usual but for about 10 seconds afterwards felt like a lot longer i'm sitting on my ass dazed and confused looking around ears ringing as ash and dust gently tumbles down into the campsite felt like a scene out of a war movie no one was injured and we all have a pretty awesome story to tell now still would not recommend anyone tries it at home though someone most likely will i want to try this next time i go camping so i wore a baseball hat a little too much and had this huge butt clogged poor skin type thing on my forehead it looked like a pencil eraser smack dab in the middle of my forehead had it for two months with no change i researched online and found that with a bottle of jack daniels and a few friends that i could use wart freeze off and might have some luck with getting it off i told my doctor and she laughed in my face she said good luck with that let me know how it works out i took that as a challenge and just to make sure verified there was no major facial nerves that i might accidentally freeze in the end it worked better than i thought i essentially killed all the cell tissue and it fell off and healed up fine 10 stroke 10 would do again your doc sounds horrible good on you though for succeeding my brother and i would play wwe with some of our friends as kids and the jackass would never let anyone win so one day he came after me when i had one of the championships i forgot to say that he had the other two belts so he and i had a match and at one point i decided to go for a power bomb i couldn't lift him up all the way and dropped him on the air conditioner accidentally he was on the ground lying in the fetal position in a puddle of water so i went for the pin and the bastard puts his arm up i remember the kids that were doing commentary screaming out of shock i waited for him to get up and went for a super kick i missed and he pushed me into the bottom left corner of the window and that piece broke and i got a cut on my forehead i wanted to cry so bad but he tackled me into the wall put me on the bed and did a rock bottom from the bed onto the floor he pushed me off the goddamn bed he pinned me and won my dang cardboard belt he held all the titles in our little wrestling group at the time and i still hate him for it wow that sounds more exciting and realer than wwe itself i was around three stroke four and my sister was 18 mths 2 and after watching barbie swan lake before bed we decide to imitate the scene where odette jumps the waterfall in the bedroom we shared me being the eldest naturally went first jumping from our windowsill onto our bedroom floor i landed it and felt like a boss then came baby sister's turn she broke her leg trying to copy me needless to say she can't remember much i'll thought myself and my parents have fond memories of her running round the garden with a near and pink cast she now claimed she got her revenge by pushing me off my scooter when i was eight and she was six so i broke both bones in my arm unfortunately i can remember that a lot more and spent a holiday abroad in a bright orange cast i can't even remember when i was a fraction you must have a good memory i arrived at a party maybe 15 minutes after they put on beer fest in the background this was right after it came off on dvd i said i'll try to drink with them people told me don't do that they literally had a warning saying not to do exactly that i punched a hole in the wall woke up my mother from vomiting so loud and crap my pants my friend had access to dry ice our sophomore year of college from his research gig we filled water bottles with dry ice and some water and capped them throwing them and watching them blow up in mounds of buffalo ny snow one didn't detonate so i decided to defuse it instead of it detonating as some stranger walks by and it went off in my hand miraculously nothing more than a few scrapes on my hand and 30 minutes of being deaf in my right ear you're incredibly lucky a co-worker did the same and that was the first time i saw muscle tissue hanging like a slab from a palm that was interesting and though i haven't seen the co-worker in a while i cannot imagine that he regained full mobility in his hand ever again back in 2007 me and my friends were really into wwe and we would do matches on his trampoline suddenly an argument got heated and my friend's brother back break at him on the patio floor another time he had a plastic wwe microphone and i took it with me when i went to pee now i was a very scared kid but really scared kid and i was deathly afraid of this jigsaw mask from the movie so that he had so i go out of the bathroom to find him at the end of the hallway with the mask on running at me now in the wwe for those who don't know when two guys are talking on the microphone and an argument heats up a lot of the times they take a microphone to the face so there i am holding the microphone as he comes at me with the microphone and me remembering the microphone to the face segments i smack him dead in the face with the heavy butt plastic microphone he plopped to the floor and when he takes the mask off he's freaking bleeding all over the place i was just distraught worse of all was hearing him scream and yell at the clinic as they were stitching his head i was traumatized by that for the following months but he was really cool about it and he didn't hold anything against me except for our other friends that hated me thinking i did it for the lols i lost contact with him years ago but he was a really cool and genuine dude moral of the story is whenever chris jericho or john cena tell you not to try any of that crap at home you freaking listen to them when i was 12 stroke 13 the movie jackass was really popular and my friends and i would watch it almost daily we thought they were all so cool and funny for doing stupid crap for the sake of a laugh well we would try to recreate some of the stupid gigs they performed one day while my mom took my friends and me to the grocery store my friends convinced me to pull a prank on some dude shopping i grabbed a huge pack of toilet paper walked right up behind this dude and threw the tp at this guy's back he turned around and screamed at me a little nerdy 12 year old girl in glasses and walked away i have never been more mortified since then and from that day and i decided that jackass was actually really freaking stupid and immature lol i'm picturing some old guy turning around and just screaming like a no word war scream and then just walking off all normal produced chlorine gas through electrolysis of salt water in my bedroom used the power outlet as my direct source of power holy freak used a crap ton of tannerite on a giant propane tank that apparently had some propane left in it i have roughly 40 percent hearing in my left ear and 60 in my right and degrading because of it my idiot cousin shot her before i was in the trench and had my hearing protection on i got thrown into the hole and couldn't hear for days because of the shock wave his brother got thrown into the hole and was in a medically induced coma for a few days to try to stop brain damage but he's okay but not 100 anymore my [ __ ] cousin lost several teeth when i knocked him out a week later in retaliation he then lost some more when his brother beat the crap out of him when i was around 11 i started asking my parents and all the other adults i knew if i could have their old electronics to disassemble for fun all of them thought this was the typical kid disassembles and then reassembles a printer thing that my dad had already done with me several times nope i had blueprints very poorly drawn because i was 11 for a number of devices i wanted to build i'd read up on wikipedia and my dad's old e textbooks to figure out what materials i needed to build a cutting laser a microwave flamma thrower an arc welder and a few other things i've forgotten over the years as the broken electronics filtered in computers from the early 90s defunct dvd players etc i slowly acquired the parts i needed my mother figured out what i was up to and stopped me shortly before i was about to extract the capacitor from a broken microwave she was afraid of how much charge the capacitor could store and it turned out that given my poor grounding safety practice i likely would have fried myself turns out my dad's old textbooks hadn't explained the potential health ramifications of electricity and for all the math i could do i was still a dumb boss the other less dangerous stuff still would have been awesome but i was banned from messing with electronics until i left for college a couple years later if my kid had done that my first response would have been oh my god i created a genius i think it's great you had such drive when you were young hope it served you well when i was young less that seven i watched an episode of zoom where they made mold being the curious little scientist i was i reproduced their experiments to ensure the science was sound i filled an egg carton with milk cereal and cheese i did this all in secret of course i actually hit the carton in a dresser perfect hiding place it was dark and warm so the mold grew like mad sadly this genius experiment was cut short by my mother she went to open the dresser only to find it jammed a little tight it eventually gave way spilling the contents all over my clothes coincidentally i'm allergic to mold anything they did on gladiators or at least the best approximation a bunch of eight-year-olds can construct between themselves i never ignored the don't try this at home but i did frequently visit sites where i had to confirm i was 18 plus all throughout my teens i always asked my mom to click those for me because technically the person clicking it was over 18. jumped from the turnbuckle my bunked through a table still have the scar on my forehead where i had to get like 10 stitches almost 15 years later chopped up a christmas tree and stuffed it in the fireplace then lit it sounded like a space shuttle launch don't do it in middle school my friends and i built a ballista that went swimmingly as one can imagine holes in all the neighbors siding flaming arrows accidentally soaring in two yards hundreds of meters away we were on top of a hill in a neighborhood and other things that i can't or won't remember quite impressive actually for being 12 13 years old did wwe and ucf stuff with my friends we would grapple about and do submission moves on each other didn't know how effective the sleeper hold was till i almost choked my friend out also triangle chokes arm bars and leg bars hurt like heck the boston crab not so much i start ucf tomorrow making me think my enrollment to the university of central florida was a bad move built a rail gun at a friend's dad's machine shop out on his farm back in 10th grade we cut a small tree in half with the single bolt i made our capacitor array wasn't set up the best and the transference rails had some intense arcing powerful enough that the affected parts of the rails were completely vaporized took about a week and a half to build everything out of scrap his dad had around the shop that was incredibly amazing but scared the frick out of us his dad was on board with it until we actually fired it he was expecting something along the lines of an oversized bb gun in power not a cannon equivalent to a high-powered rifle freaking heck can't you kids just make a dang potato gun in hindsight i'm glad i had the thought to block the thing from view because the arcing probably could have had permanent effects on our site i have a ton of stories i wanted to be a stuntman growing up and my old-time idol was evil neville before i knew parlor existed i was into jumping from roof to roof at my grandma's house the houses weren't too far apart one day i was climbing up to my training area i used to have to climb the gate and up the side of the wall i slipped and fell and fractured my tailbone i also received one of those rockets that you launch and it comes down on its little parachute a friends and i wondered what would happen if one of us got shot by it so we took turns shooting it at each other using a pipe to aim it in our general direction we were wearing our four-wheeling helmets and swimming goggles for safety and he got hit square on the head and survived our amazing stunt we also tried building an underground base using an old camper shell as a roof and charge kids money to jump their bikes and whatever over our area of operations if we were in it that i think was the stupidest thing we really did some kid took his dad's four-wheeler and tried to jump over us while we were laying down in it and almost crushed us we were about nine twelve years old and the neighborhood kids would make us feel like rock stars when we rolled on by in our huffies mixed ammonia and bleach to pour down the drain during a fruit fly infestation everyone lived the fruit flies were no more success lit a smoke bomb indoors hilarious until mom got home and found the scorch marks used a dry chemical fire extinguisher inside with no fire to extinguish hilarious but tastes horrible shorted the tracks of the vintage model train to make sparks i have a scar from where the piece of metal landed 32 benadryl is way more than you should take for allergies just enough to have a conversation with a stranger in the bathroom mirror as a father of a two-year-old boy reading these comments are pretty freaking terrifying who knows what stupid crap he is going to get into 8th grade metal shop teacher told us scary stories about safety so we wouldn't chop our fingers off in any of the dangerous metal working equipment one day he told us about putting match heads and spent 22 shells and hitting that with a hammer the climax of the story was when he dramatically showed his thumb which was missing the end joint presumably the punishing result of the aforementioned crafting activity the instant we got out of school a group of us went looking for spent 22 shells which were curiously easy to find now that i think of it we got a box of barn burner matches and set to detonating those things allowed and they shred the brass in interesting ways this went on until one of the spectators got a hunk of sharp hot brass in his cheek and ran howling down the street we scattered and nothing was ever said about the whole incident until now melted polystyrene with petrol to make a gooey mess i tied a cardboard tube to her tree lava the inside introduced flame and used compressor form front looked and sounded like a jet engine the neighbor though i was building a wmd i rafted a class 6 rapid unrunnable i'll never see that river again there was a lot of focus screaming laughing and whiskey don't ever try that at home nope i was a rebel kid at turn of the century without real internet access to watch videos we learned to make stuff from books and text files we shared on floppy disk we made napalm once which was pretty bad it stuck to the ground and i think the mark is still there to this day we made thermite too but there was nothing to burn through and grass wasn't that impressive tennis ball hand grenades were always a fun one they never looked like they would hurt if there was tennis courts nearby we'd always sneak one onto the court i think the worst was probably fireworks fights you know how it says not to point them at people we did bangers being thrown at you was normal someone using a roman candle as an rpg my little brother and i were jumping off a six or seven foot wall into a bush because we watched jack house and thought it looked fun half an hour later i'm going to the hospital with a 1.5 inch diameter stick lodge four inches into my left hamstring not fun we would take bottle rockets light them then toss them into the air by the end of the long little stick part so they'd flip end over end in mid air to see where they'd go once they lit off it was amazing how often they came right back at us we would also take firecrackers light them then throw them like grenades it makes a stingy throbby painful sensation in your hand if one goes off early a lot of us got shot with bb guns a lot of windows got shot with them too this was pre-internet pre-video games pre-helicopter parents 1980-ish my uncle saw the video of the 50-foot table with the table cloth trick being pulled off but done with a huge car and he wanted to try that so he and my aunt went to a garage sale got a bunch of dining wear and went to a nice open field and tried it it sort of worked they did the math that they'd have to go 0-70 or something really fast for it to actually work i recreated the jackass stunned where johnny knoxville straps bottle rockets to rollerblades and got second-degree burns on my leg it's been 14 years i still have the scar and hair still doesn't grow on that part of my leg i was about 10 or 11 when i broke an old analog thermometer drained the mercury from the bulb then i proceeded to incorporate the tiny glob of mercury into all my little games for almost a week before the insides of my elbows and backs of my knees turned red and swollen got a stern lecture from the doctor colon tried to leap over a toboggan with six guys on it it turned sideways just before it got to me to avoid being slammed by it coming full speed down a steep hill covered in ice i didn't quite make it positive side now i know what shock feels like it feels like nothing is wrong which was good negative side doc said going bald would be a very very bad idea because i will frighten children with the horrendous scars i have never shaved my head the scars are easy to feel under my hair like a topographical map of all your favorite mountain ranges when was your biggest i should not be laughing moment i can't believe i didn't think about this until just now but two days ago i was at an outdoor concert and i went early to ensure i got the best spot i'm standing there at the barricade and a staff worker proceeded to trip drop her coffee drop her caseless iphone screen first with both her and her phone landing in the coffee which she spilled she got up and started walking away while wiping off her phone to make sure it was okay completely blind to the fact there was a ledge in front of her but she fell again and i couldn't hold in the laughter i'm positive she heard me she's dead now i have a macho and parrots don't normally like pooping where they sleep so when we wake him up in the morning the first thing he wants to do is go out to his perch to take a massive dump one morning i carry him out there and put him on his perch he's half awake and starts shuffling over to his usual spot he then scares himself by bumping into a paper bag that he forgot was there screams awkwardly falls flaps to the ground and then poops himself you most certainly should have been laughing i fricked up thanksgiving two years ago every year our family reads a poem before sitting down to eat and last year was my first time the two last lines of poem go something like as we sit down to feast away we'll always be grateful for this thanksgiving day i decided to replace the last line with as we sit down to feast away we'll always be grateful that stuart my brother is gay i've never seen such a look of disappointment on my mom's face i very quickly realized how stupid i sounded so i sat down put my head on the table and apologized for being a [ __ ] surprisingly they let me read a game this year and that's how stuart got outed to grandma okay for some weird reason my brother and i could not stop laughing when we had to go pick out the casket for our mother's funeral in all fairness my brother started it our other older brother and sister were with us and they kept looking at us too like behave the funeral director was this tall pale skinny guy in an ill-fitting suit the pants of which were a good two inches too short he was acting way too schmaltzy and speaking in dulcet tones he took us into this room sat down at his desk and there was a light switch behind him with a red light my brother and i looked at the light switch and then at each other well that made us both start giggling and that p off our older sister then the director guy pressed the light switch and i swear a door panel opened up into this huge room the size of a gym full of caskets this totally set us off we tried to one-up each other every minute or two we walked past a bronze casket and my brother said do you have any gold caskets our mother liked gold i interrupted and said when mom had her colors done they said she was a winter that means she can be buried only in silver tones as we walked past an especially hideous pink casket i blurted out she died we buried her in that our older sister and brother who were acting all were so mature it made me wonder if no one had ever laughed there before i don't remember what casper we finally picked out but mom didn't clash with it whatever it was oh in case you're wondering we loved mom like crazy she laughed at weird occasions all the time with us it was sort of poetic that we'd laugh like that when she died my english teacher was telling a story about some guy that had accomplished so much and then he ended the story with and then he got brain cancer and died i got detention for that one my friend and i have this ongoing joke where we think it would be hilarious to have a game show where contestants are given empty snapple jars and are told to fill it with tears however you can when we went to see the last harry potter movie spoiler alert snape dies pretty horribly he's viciously attacked by a snake and left for dead harry then finds snape and the snapes dying he tells harry to take his tears everyone else in the theater was crying and we were doing our best to hold back a flood of hysterical laughter more like snopel jars in basic training we had a locker inspection and apparently no one could fold their duffel bags the ti just kept getting angrier and angrier until he kicked everyone out of the base and into the day room with only the squad leaders left behind he just kept yelling and we heard crashing sounds of the beds being launched around i was too curious so i sneaked into the hall and poked my head around the corner as he's throwing a bed against a locker i start giggling he looks up right at me things went downhill after that tl dr i like military bearing my cousin used to own a horse and used to treat it like crap one day the horse was just done with it bucked him off and immediately turned around and stood on him it fractured one of his ribs and left a hoof print on his chest i about died laughing while he cried super late to the game bit at my grandmother's funeral a bunch of us were chatting and we had noticed the sign in the church that had the attendance of the last sunday in the previous sunday the count was one less than the previous sunday my brother's girlfriend piped up i bet the one missing was your grandma we were so proud of her because it was unlike her to say something like that we all lost it harry potter four spoilers in the movie when harry comes back with cedric's body i busted out laughing because neville had potter written on his forehead i don't know why that was so funny to me but it was i laughed so hard that he was their friend in movie three when my son was three we asked him what he wanted to be for halloween i wanna be a pirate he said so we got a tree corner hat and a striped shirt and an eye patch and a vest and got him all dressed up and put him in front of a mirror he looked at his reflection and frowned this isn't what the pirates were my wife and i looked at each other yes sweetie they do said my wife not when they are flying the airplanes he said pilots oh i am the captain now at my grandfather's funeral i am sitting in the front row with my five-year-old son my son lets out this hellacious fart it echoed off the walls and was super loud it also smelled like he had also died so i am sitting there trying to hold my laughter in and he does it again i had to leave while my father was giving a eulogy about something probably completely fabricated we get out there and my grandmother follows us out in thinking oh crap she goes man that was loud then we all walked across the street to dairy queen and ate ice cream until my father found us and threw a fit the end it also smelled like he had also died i lost it last september my grandfather died it was horrible and my whole family managed to make it to the funeral my grandma was torn apart i think everyone was my uncles are all laugh at the worst situations kind of people so me and my uncles are in one corner of the room during the wake and my uncle lee says you know he died taking a crap and i lost it i started laughing and crying because i was laughing so hard which triggered my uncles to start laughing and the eight of us were just laughing my grandmother my parents and the other 40 people in the room were mortified it was awkward but i know my grandpa would have laughed too class play i'm a character giving a speech about how my best friend died in the middle of it i realized the premise is just so stupid that i cover my face and turn around with my shoulders heaving from the laughter it looked like i was really getting into the scene but i was doing my best not to burst into loud laughter catholic wedding so was raised catholic but i had never been to a mass before both atheists now but you go through the motions to be polite sometimes one of the weird things about religions is that when you grow up in them you never notice how weird some of the stuff is and so you don't think to tell your partner about all the miscellany beforehand in this case it was the sing-song tonal chanting like the monks from monty python and the holy grail that beat themselves in the head i had never seen it outside of that context and had no idea that it was a real thing at least not a thing that was still done today and started giggling then they kept on doing it and i kept giggling i started chewing the inside of my cheeks to stifle it still giggling couldn't stop all i could think of were those dang monks in fifth grade they showed a don't talk to strangers type video in class it was cheaply produced with horrible acting in one of the scenarios a boy played by a 30 year old in short pants is alone bouncing a ball then this hippie looking nut job wearing a trench coat enters into the frame with a hey kid look at this and flinging his coat open the camera zooms slowly toward the kid as he drops the ball and starts contorting his face into these bizarre expressions i lost it laughed so hard i was drug out of the class by my ear teacher asked why i was the only one laughing didn't have an answer at the time but judging by my taste in movies human now it was pretty clear i love a good schlock fest helping out with the reading group in a disadvantaged local primary school one little girl proudly announced that she had been reading at home what have you been reading fifty shades of grey my mum's read it too it's her favorite kid is seven years old one of my colleagues could barely breathe for laughing i didn't know where to look it wasn't funny but when you say something isn't funny and someone else is laughing like that it is very hard not to laugh anyway the following week a newly eight-year-old boy told us he had been given grand theft auto 5 for his birthday same thing happened on the way back to work i had words with my colleagues about appropriate behavior around small children at my great uncle's funeral he was a large bald unattractive man walked up to the casket with my grandmother she looked down at him and said he looks like shrek she was right and it could not be unseen we all drank out of pictures where i work it was easier to just fill a picture with water instead of filling tiny cups every five minutes since we were busy a lot one of the bartenders said we don't have enough pictures to keep doing that so no one could use pictures anymore and we were pee seriously you'd take four or five sips out of the other cups and you'd have to refill which really sucks when we're busy and sweating but since everyone liked him we didn't say anything i came in one morning and my friend told me he died i immediately said oh crap does that mean we get to use pictures again we both couldn't stop laughing all day i'm surprised we never got in trouble for it when everyone else was so quiet i was in a math class in middle school when some kid put a paper clip into the light socket in the front of the room sparks lit up the first two rows of students must be like eight of them everyone was dead quiet but i busted out laughing in my sophomore year of high school one of my friends was hit by a car and died a couple days later they had a sort of tribute to him during announcements they played his favorite song which happened to be don't stop believing by journey the whole situation was something out of a god dang sitcom i had to pretend i was crying instead of chucking my mom's last breath she was surrounded by family included my sister and i both of us are terrible at laughing at inappropriate moments we had all heard what we thought was her last breath it was super intense people were crying then after the perfect amount of comedic spacing she took another final breath the two of us busted up i'm not proud but my mom would understand i can imagine dying isn't so bad when the last thing you hear is your children's laughter when my neighbor told me his newborn son's name was inglebert i seriously thought he was joking and i chuckled just two quick chuckle sounds left my mouth but it was too late i had done wrong then he said no i'm serious i backdaled hard but we never talked again poor and a bit settled with that name forever i shouldn't have laughed though i laugh every dang time someone gets hurt it doesn't matter who falls if they're injured or how serious it is my first reaction is uncontrollable laughter then once i get it under control anytime i think about it again and replay it in my head i laugh again i did this when my son face planted once he was about a year and a half old and i couldn't help it in the midst of gasping for air from laughing so hard i managed to get out worst mom ever it was sophomore year of high school we were watching schindler's list in history class when my buddy turns to me and says have you ever punched yourself in the face in the shower when i told him i have never punched myself in the face he felt the need to demonstrate by punching himself as hard as he freaking could in the kisser me and the kid next to me who now plays in the nfl just lost our crap laughing the teacher came over pulled us outside and asked us why we were laughing during a film about one of the most atrocious events in history that was a hard one to explain tl dr laughed in front of important government officials at a funeral i was at my godfather's funeral he was high up in government so there were lots of very official and high-ranking people there but there was also the people like my dad who were his best friends some he had grown up with and went to uni with dad grew up with him but didn't go to uni anyway my dad's friend phil tells this story about how when he and my godfather first became friends my godfather walked into the pub phil was in they had never met before but somehow this meeting had been arranged put his mercedes keys in the bar and ordered some expensive drink and phil thought i'm not going to get him with this guy they got drunk together and ended up singing meatloaf spat out of heck in that event perfectly summed up my godfather so just before they take his coffin out of the church they start playing bat out of heck and i look at my dad who was sat at the front of the church he turns round with the look of don't you dare and i burst out laughing i couldn't stop this just summed up my godfather so well and was how i remembered him as a less strict more fun version of my dad as the coffin was being picked up i had to leave the church through a side door when i've calmed down i go out to see it being lowered later all my godfather's friends meet at the local pub and phil comes up to me and says you know everyone could hear you even after you left some people outside were going they shouldn't have been invited if he doesn't have respect i stuck up for you and told them you were his godson and had every right to remember him your way mainly because i was about to burst out laughing myself and i just started laughing again bit of backstory i play pen and paper rpgs i have a thing for phillies or physical documents and objects that represent the game in the real world one of these for a one-shot horror game was a list of inmates at an asylum i ran out of imagination halfway through and began just writing down the first words that came to my head thus the creation of the venerable beep feep teenage deviant i have no idea why but just thinking of that name gives me the giggles i'm giggling now anyway several months later i'm on the subway when the name of beep beep wanders past my conscious thought for no reason i immediately start giggling but i try to control it which didn't work at all i'm trying all my tricks here punching myself in the leg biting my bottom lip but none of it is working i'm still laughing like an idiot because beep beep is somehow incorrigibly hilarious to me this is when i realized that i am staring at someone specifically at a very silly looking indian guy sitting across from me for the last five minutes i have been maintaining unknowing eye contact with this man while laughing and hitting myself he is getting increasingly visibly angry which my already demented brain passes as being extra hilarious resulting in a downward spiral of laughter hitting anger he eventually stomps off the train in a huff and i just lose it i am dying i don't miss my stop but it's close and now somewhere in the city there's a guy with a story of being accosted by a self-abusive maniac on the blue danphith line oh god it's contagious beep feep is in my brain now i can't stop giggling a friend and i just got to a casino we went to the bathroom first once done both him and i walked past a couple of rows of slot machines on the floor was an old woman with paramedics checking her my friend yelled oh crap did she hit the jackpot i started laughing and everyone in the paramedics gave us that are you crapping me face trust me there is like a 90 chance the paramedics laughed about that later but they had to act professional at the time i heard a story on the radio of a man and a woman who got into an argument the woman kicked the man in the balls and he died he died the best simply the best i was at a funeral a catholic one never been to one before so i wasn't aware of all the rituals involved at one point on of the priests dip some sort of brush into a bowl of water and proceeds to sprinkle as with what i guess was holy water this unexpected behavior combined with the serious atmosphere in the room got me to burst out laughing when me and my sister did the whole first communion or whatever it was held super late at night my sister was falling asleep when they starting flicking that water everywhere big butt drops flew right into her face and she sat bolt upright and cringed away making a hissing noise lost my crap i met an old neighbor while out shopping one day who i hadn't seen in maybe five or so years in usual neighborly convo i asked her how she and her family had been doing she told me something about her husband and i drifted off and forgot to listen i caught the tail end of ben larry so i politely laughed and agreed yes the awkward stare she gave me made me realize this was not the reaction she expected i apologized saying sorry i misheard you what did you say turns out their beloved family dog of 14 years lost a battle with a bin larry till bing laurie equals garbage truck while my sister was battling her leukemia she caught a superbug that left her in the pediatric iq hooked up to life support had all the tubes in the whole nine yards the family was sitting in the waiting room listening to the doctor's diagnosis which ended with the amazingly optimistic line well you don't have to worry about an autopsy or anything because we know exactly what's going to kill her my entire family sat in silence for a moment or two not quite knowing what to say then out of left field my dad quietly leans into my ear and whispers so we're going to get her stuffed right all of a sudden me and my dad are snickering at the doctor that just informed us of the imminent death of my sister while the rest of my family sat staring at us with a mix of confusion and disgust my best friend in college was not out to his family he passed away suddenly only months after graduation at the burial the machine that lowers the coffin into the ground malfunctioned causing the casket to become crooked one of the men operating the machine jumped onto the grave to fix it being the smart but i am i turned to my boyfriend and said man he couldn't even go into the grave straight but he did love a man on top of him could not keep from laughing movie spoilers it was the ending of x-men first class it is the ending when a bullet meant for magneto gets deflected which goes into xavier's back which we all see how he was permanently disabled a big woman at the front row starts screaming in the theater no no no the rest of the theater couldn't hold it in and starts laughing at her i had just started working at this bar a co-worker said something along the lines of yeah i really haven't been myself lately my girlfriend got eaten by an alligator last week i thought it was hilarious turns out it was true i once inadvertently mimicked a kid with a lisp straight to his face while his parents were standing right behind him thought he was doing an impression of a kid with a lisp it was the start of a public swim at work so i had to ask him how old he was to take admission he had been kidding around with me about swimming so when he finally said i'm feven i retorted with well with a lift like that that pretty convincing that i proceeded to laugh really loud while looking away and counting change kids face went beat red and i was entirely oblivious to crushing the poor kid's soul until i noticed my co-worker silently staring at me wide-eyed in disbelief jorge an acquaintance of mine attempted suicide in my freshman year of high school i opted to cope with it by bursting out into full-blown laughter when explaining the situation to my parents yeah everyone reacts differently to those types of situations i knew a girl that whenever she had to do a presentation she would just laugh uncontrollably for the first few minutes before proceeding it was my mother's aunt's funeral i was familiar with her but i can't remember too much about what she looked like anyway we are jewish and a rabbi came in and started singing some yiddish prayer i don't know if you know what a yiddish song sounds like but the sounds are so inappropriately funny that me at the age of nine and my brother at the age of seven could not stop laughing at the rabbi singing it was horrifying because i honestly did not want to embarrass myself like that but couldn't help myself it was so bad my catholic father started to laugh at us laughing i still feel bad about it but what can you do this is the worst i've ever felt laughing at someone my brother and i traveled a lot when i was a kid our parents are divorced and my dad's a pilot so we'd fly every few weeks to visit family or take a trip with our dad well one particular flight we get on and there's a country looking kid across the aisle from us about our age that looks really nervous we say hi and he tells us that it's his first time flying in that his parents sent him to his grandmother's on his own we try to calm him down initially but he's definitely white knuckled for takeoff as soon as we're in the air he gets his cd player out and puts on what we quickly found out was a shania twain album now how do i know for a fact that he was listening to a full shania twain album because he quite obviously wasn't familiar with the sound of the background noise on a plane had cranked the volume on his headphones and was singing along with every song it wasn't all that bad at first you could kind of hear him humming along and then he'd pipe up for a loud crisp chorus and sort off drift away until the chorus hit again because he was so nervous no one wanted to make him more uncomfortable by telling him and it wasn't really that bothersome but a good half of the plane could hear him when he hit the chorus each time and more and more of us were getting in laughing fits each time he hit the high notes the flight attendants bought the portly gentleman sitting next to him a drink to make up for the random shania outbursts he was being subjected to but mostly it wasn't too bothersome for anyone to feel the need to let the poor kid know then it happened he goes full-on for his favorite song and starts belting out man i feel like they were room and everyone around us absolutely loses their crap my brother and i are crying and choking because we're laughing so hard grasping for air then someone fills in on the next round with bna na na na na na it takes the flight attendant a good half of the song to compose herself enough to lightly tap his shoulder and let him know meanwhile all of us around him have our heads buried in our arms i have my whole face wrapped in one of those little plain blankets that's now soaked in tears the whole build-up and finale was just so dang funny no one wanted to embarrass the kid but it escalated so perfectly that it had to be done when the flight attendant spoke to him it was the first time he had actually talked to someone over the jet noise and he immediately realized how loud he must have been because the next time i looked at him he looked mortified white with panic i still feel bad but dang was that funny game is over at it what is your this dude forgot to turn off his mic moment a group of five of us had been doing several runs in wow and had been chatting it up the whole time about whatever one woman's boyfriend came into her room and asked her if when she was done if she could look under his balls he had a bump and didn't know if it was a pimple or a boil he was talking about how much it hurt and itched and he tried using a mirror but couldn't get the angle right she let him go on for about two three minutes as we were all busting up laughing before she finally told him her mic was on happened to me a couple times the ball thing not the open mic first time was an ingrown hair that one sucked second time was cancer no longer sure the ingrown hair sucked omg this happened to me my press to talk button was stuck and i had gotten up to feed the cat i always sing songs for him as i'm feeding him and apparently my mic picked everything up so when i got back on my entire raid was singing about my cat and i was embarrassed as heck i don't sing in public at all i find it hella embarrassing my boyfriend never has his mic on but one of the rare times he was talking to a friend his dad came around the corner to feed his sister's bunnies her being away at college and he sang the song he always sings at the top of his lungs when he goes to feed them bunny bunny bunny bunny ease in full kid on pc arguing with his mom because he didn't want dinner i was so hungry and his mom sounded sweet don't eat the mother this was like last month on cod mw guy was on the phone with his bank accountant probably and he was saying his credit card info social security and a bunch of private info hopefully he's still safe omg that's horrible holy crap here we go i have story for this one so me and my friend let's call him ben had a goal a while back to complete every achievement in minecraft on the xbox one we put nearly 300 hours into the world and whenever we would play his girlfriend would always go on her phone to help pass the time this one particular evening we were building my house well more of a tower and he starts placing random blocks in places they weren't supposed to be i asked if he was okay and he said that he was fine and carried on building as time went on his breathing got progressively heavier until about five minutes later i asked him if his girl was going down on him what i didn't know is that he was in fact getting head and he was getting close to finishing until his girlfriend heard me over the mic and started laughing and ruined the moment i'm sorry ben but it's a lesson learned not to multitask obviously minecraft is more important yeah minecraft is more important older sister was telling his little brother our team mate that is her time to play and she will turn off the console if he doesn't get up he insists just this one match please no no no oh oh oh i'm disconnected lol our perfect looker screams so basically me and three other dudes on discord one was living with his parents and grandparents his grandpa barges into his room and after mumbling something he yelled pulled down your pants dude was just wearing some dirty pants but we fully misunderstood the situation i laughed so hard you don't even know not bad but memorable i get to my buddy's house and he is playing cod has his head set on this house is a work in progress so every time i get there something has changed i walk into his gaming room and see he has made some modifications to the house and ask him about it he proceeds to give me a lesson on construction fundamentals building technique and the why after about five or so minutes he realizes he was micked the whole time and he goes oh crap someone chimes in hey so that was actually really interesting and all but can you shut the frick up i don't think we ever laughed as hard hey at least the kid wasn't a complete stone about it i don't have any as weird as the ones here but i definitely recall one time getting ready to pull a raid boss in wow and hearing one kid's mother yell at him to take out the trash the kid was 16 or something and all 24 of us were like nope not pulling yet go take out the trash for your mom i also have a friend who used to fall asleep on discord after taking ambien and some of those conversations were hilarious but i'm pretty sure he knows where i live and will kill me if i share them on reddit make the sacrifice i must know caught my friend jacking off on mike thinking he muted himself i heard him groaning so then i shouted no coming in my party it was the strangest noise like a thousand bananas being peeled very rapidly years ago halo 3 my cat was being unusually affectionate and cuddly i liked killed a guy in multiplayer and was distracted by the cat i start asking who has a fuzzy belly who is my fuzzy girl and it turned out the guy i killed could still hear my voice and he was having none of it i wish i still has the xbl message he sent he seemed really insecure about his fuzzy belly i'm sure i've seen a twitch fail where some guy forgets he isn't muted and does a lovey-dovey cutesy voice saying he loves his cat i was playing rainbow six vegas a whole while back got myself a few friends in and also had a couple of stragglers we were pretty decent as decent as team we'd not lost for a few days although playtime had only been a few hours due to work anyway these stragglers who joined got added to our chat talked strategy with them they seemed alright two brothers from georgia we start playing and we're abseiling down the roof running through casinos and everything is going well our squad are racking up kills but one of the stragglers keeps dying his brother is complaining guy who keeps dying grabs the briefcase and runs we're calling to get him him to come to the lift shafts but he ignored us runs straight to the windows and gets taken out drops a case in a room packed with enemies we can't get it in time we lose the useful brother starts complaining and muttering under his breath then talks louder like we couldn't hear him before and says sorry about his brother's mistake we'll win now we switch to defense the useless brother runs straight out of the vault despite telling him to wait at the back stairs goes and gets killed his brother is mumbling again clearly agitated now the useful brother is defending the case anyone who gets past the three main defense points he is picking them off and doing great case never leaves our sight despite the back stairs not being covered useless brother sees someone in the case room decides to throw a flashbang we all get blinded look around case is gone as we're going chasing after it the useless bro apologies his brother says whatever and in his mumble voice he seemingly thinks no one can hear says this is the exact crap that made me crap in your gym bag if the character of the useless bro stops dead in front of me as we're chasing the enemy then there's a loud noise on the other bros mic followed by what sounded like the biggest b slap open palm strike whatever i've ever heard the useful bros character suddenly stops too me and my squad are laughing wondering what's going on as we lose the game and on the mics we can just hear one of the broth crying and then a mom shouting in the distance that's a classic line if i've ever heard one laughed so hard i woke up my dog thanks for this back in the halo 2 days a teen was getting yelled at to get off the game he called his mom a b and she responded with and butt whooping that sounded like a hyena getting mauled by 50 cats in a plywood box the teen's kid brother got on during the beat down saying heck yeah he never lets me play little man was actually pretty good from what i remember too but whooping that sounded like a heena getting mauled by 50 cats in a plywood box i don't know how that feels like and would prefer to never know yelled at his new wife while she was asking for help with groceries and their three-month son we chose not to hang out with him after that i've had this happen with the dude we used to play with literally yelling at his wife on mike we stopped playing with him too chillin in a squad when someone doesn't have push to talk on and they start yelling at their family and occasionally letting out a giant scream from dying having to listen to their tv in the background or when they aggressively snort and hawk phlegm bro mute or push to talk please was playing on xcode server this squeaker comes in the server acting all tough trash talking mocking other people etc now it's about 11 at night now and we hear this kid saying but mommy i don't want to go to sleep i wanna play ai we all started laughing our asses off and he disconnected i love how i know the exact type of person you mean by squeaker it's not necessarily him forgetting to turn off his mic but him not being able to it's been several years and it could have just been a hoax but it certainly shook me up i believe it was around the time of halo 3 i had been on xbox live fooling around in map maker with some buddies one of them had been dealing with a rough home life and often talked about his fear that his parents were into some trouble with people being kids me and the other guy brushed it aside as just nonsense but one day we are playing and we hear a loud bang from his mic he is yelling for his mom and then there are multiple outbangs in quick succession almost like someone had been shooting a gun on full auto we hadn't heard him over the gunfire sounds but when they stopped his tone of voice changed and it sounded more like a sobbing yelling for his mom my buddy and i were in shock now trying to find out wtf just happened we could hear sobbing and he wasn't returning to the game and after about 10 or 15 minutes of no contact from him he just disconnected and we had never heard from him since then god damn just today i was playing modern warfare and this guy on my team had his mic open his phone rang in the background and he picked up to his wife talking about how he needs to get off his butt and go to the store he led with profanities and ended with a fine b and went back to playing i said into game chat so are you gonna go to the store unfazed he said no his wife needs to leave him holy crap basically my friend always keeps his mic on and this one time i heard his parents arguing in the background and he literally screamed why a y two christmases and then there was silence lmfao if i did this when my parents were splitting i would have gotten my butt double beat i was that dude once nothing scandalous just embarrassing you know how sometimes couples will be all sugary sweet lovey-dovey to each other when they're alone in a way that they'd probably not do in front of other people because it's so cringy don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about people in relationships anyway i had my head set on and was being a typical idiot with my friends my then partner was nearby so i took off the headset forgot to mute the mic and commence the instant transformation into this over-the-top cutesy lover kitten you can imagine how much i wanted to crawl under a rock and die a few minutes later that was like 12 years ago i was extra careful about the mic from then on i was playing wow with a friend and he was teaching me the basics my mom comes in my room and yells in the heaviest smoker accent possible word or glad she interrupted her sentence because i ripped out my microphone my friend was frightened for a good minute thinking someone broke into my house was playing a game after a few beers once and i was that dude me and the ex were talking crap around the house we were weird we broke up after she grew up and i didn't like really weird we'd make weird noises around the house in a sort of ritual seagull noises cat noises poor imitations of guns going off etc here's what my group would have heard first her making a cat noise she had a really really realistic meow then we gotta go hope my partner was something followed by me trying and failing for some reason to drop group then her meowing getting more insistent then me making the shotgun sound then her abruptly turning the meow into a gurkle then a perfectly normal conversation about food except for a couple weird words thrown in then i heard snickering from the pc i did that in a disc or chat except it was me meowing at my cat who was being whiny and needy but wouldn't come to my computer for attention i realized my mic wasn't muted and my mates in the chat thought i was insane xd basically this guy during my game was saying we needed to finish it quick his girlfriend was coming over this was during a ranked game so the guy didn't want to leave it ended up being a pretty hard match it was dota so it ended up being 120 minutes long he started to flame everyone on mike because his girlfriend was almost here and we needed to end the match then we hear him apologize to his girlfriend because he can't leave and then she says it's all right she wants to see how focused he can stay thank god for the ability to mute people otherwise we would have heard him getting his dong sucked for 20 minutes he didn't stay focused on the game and we lost the biggest lie here is someone playing dota had a girlfriend it was a video call on zoom but one dude literally turned his camera on picked his nose ate it and then turned his camera back off repeatedly he turned his camera on and off repeatedly too and he completely looked like it was just some subconscious thing bet you he thought his camera was on and he was turning it off to go mind nose gold a friend of ours had a full-on seizure while we were in voice chat we just hung around for around half an hour listening to him breathing and making sure he's okay and after he recovered and spoke to us a few days later we got info of family near him to call if it happens again crap was super scary because we all knew he's having a seizure but can't do anything and don't even know if we're listening to him die or not that's scary but you guys are good friends for sting and i hope he's doing well i usually play sea of thieves in the morning and since my friends don't have the game i pick up with players from xbox live posts keep in mind i live in greece and our time zone is semi-opposite with america's in other words my morning is a very late night to my teammates this results in meetings with many interesting people such as drug addicts and even a drug dealer once or drunken people or even i don't know whatever but my personal award would go to a guy who was pretty chill when playing and was sounding like he was fairly close to my age i am 18. he was actually a pretty cool guy and we had fun for a couple of hours then at some point we heard a younger girl's voice saying that the baby has waken up again in a sleepy voice the dude apologized and said he would be right back then he proceeded to sing to the baby until the baby slept which i found rather cute and plus there was nothing going on in game since we were in the middle of our journey so the rest of the crew didn't mind either and as a side note the dude had a nice voice anyway when he came back we were about to tease him but the first thing he said when came back was sorry i had to put my son to sleep which raised some questions cause the dude sounded serious and we all stood in silence cause like i said he sounded fairly young under normal circumstances i would ask too many questions cause i respect someone's private life but the dude was very open about it so me and another crewmate were intrigued turns out he was 17 and his girl the voice from before was 16. they had a condom incident and so they ended up with their four-month son but they were very happy about it some moments past and crewmate number four was fairly quiet all this time and his character wasn't moving we asked if everything was okay and got no response but after a while we heard some snorting coming from crewmates number four mike we couldn't stop laughing and the next day crewmate number four admitted that the song made him go to sleep despite his best efforts don't know if this story fits the question but it was one worth telling nonetheless if you ask me that is adorable and heartwarming he had a wireless headset and proceeded to have a wii then when i'm back clearly didn't mute his mic like he thought he had not exactly what the question was but my friends and i were in a voice chat on our discord server and our other friend was in the afk channel with the music bot playing thunderstorm videos we joined that channel and started making thunder noises with our mouths he didn't say anything and we figured out he'd use the videos to go to sleep he says going on the youtube app will drain his battery because his screen won't turn off unless he buys premium which obviously nobody does so my friend changed the bot to play three hours of big and chunky and then we left the next morning i got blamed because the guy who did it deleted it from the audit log your friend if on android might like youtube advanced it supports background play i wasn't playing or watching the liver stream but during an eye racing event nascar driver kyle larson did not realize his mic was on for the entire group and therefore was bring broadcasted via twitch said can anybody hear me hey n word very next day he lost his real life nascar sponsors and his real life ride bro imagine losing your career on eye racing okay so this one was actually on me i first got cod 3 throw ps4 a while back like i was a serious squeaker so eventually i joined my first online match and was getting whooped i kid you not my mom mars making tater tots that night and proceeded to yell loud enough for my dinky little ear bud mike to pick up owen you're tattered to tease a rady not my proudest moment but i still laugh at it hey that's my name gopher team owen i've played a game with a guy whose kids were playing in the background he kept telling them to relax keep it down and whatever more and more aggressively at some point it all just goes off and you could just hear how he slapped the crap out of at least one of the kids kids crying and screaming tumbling sounds dude yelling off the top of his lungs skin getting slapped everything in game just stopped and the rest of the team were just in shock my friend says let's back out and we do i wanted to hurt this man so bad i'd call the police was in a raid and one of the healers speaks up in the middle of a fight and says oh crap i gotta go guild leader was understandably all what why andrew just responded tornado dude forgot to turn his mic off so we hear the sounds of wind and the building shaking in the background until the sound of wood cracking and the audio just going absolutely insane guild leader had to mute him at that point the dude turned out to be okay but we didn't find that out for a week or two after the event that's some impressive internet that stays up as the house is cracking apart years ago wow was still only vanilla and raids needed 40 people our guild was quite tight with each other even with about 60 ppl in it so the jokes could get personal but still have heart one time we went reading and in the middle of it a guy asks for a quick break less than five minutes he said raid leader said okay let's have a short break then for everyone well everyone went to the toilet and grabbed a drink and refilled the side snacks all done well within the five minutes except that guy he had his mic still on too so suddenly someone hears something and tells us to be quiet 39 people on team speak went silent and started to listen to the guy having sex with his girlfriend all from start to end and every one of us in silence with the occasional giggle on certain moments during they said the most cliches to each other things like how bad of a girl she is deserving her see how she wants him to go faster deeper and so on plus the occasional butt slap ofc after about 15 minutes he came back and we all tried to be normal so did he our raid leader said he was late and he apologized saying that his mother called we all laughed and he was at first confused but understood what happened he was very ashamed and we all had a good laugh the extra part in this we had a couple of minors in the raid and some of them came to me in the days after to talk about it i was the oldest female in the guild in the mother of the guild as they called it themselves they were confused of the cliches and name calling during the sex so i had a lot of explaining to do hahaha mayor you had to do sex ed in wow i was raiding black rock foundry in world of warcraft we pull the boss and one of our hunters is standing there doing nothing she dies and her mic comes on all we hear is super loud moaning and gasping she's quickly removed from the server and we down the boss about 10 minutes later she rejoins the server and goes sorry my boyfriend decided to freak me right before we pulled our guildmaster kicked her on the spot apparently this was not the first time it happened wolfkitty if you're still out there thank you for this story please tell me she has read it and will see this comment not in a game i was at a church and the preacher didn't turn off his mic before going to the bathroom to let his butt explode fear singing about jesus and there's farts and grunts and sloppy plops coming through the speakers holy crap indeed was hosting a game of dnd via discord and my wife gets back from work she works late so it's around 11 pm when she gets back and wants to know if i'll be wrapping up soon i apologized to my players and told them i'd be right back i just had to see my wife off to bed i explained to her that it wouldn't be long because none of them had actually figured out that the hostage they'd rescued was a plant for the bbeg and was leading them into a fairly deadly trap i was planning on calling the session when they realized that they were about to be ambushed so that we could end on a cliffhanger turns out i forgot to mute myself and the players heard this whole conversation they still blundered into the trap because they didn't want to meet a game but the surprise was ruined and i felt a little bad aww man that hurts back when fortnite was popular and everyone was playing it me and my best guy friend played it all the time it was when they just released playground mode we decided to try it i was a lobby leader and forgot to turn off the autofill option to fill the other two gaps we joined and two people were there one was yelling at the other to shut the frick up because apparently the other was jacking off before me and my guy friend left we heard him moan a good few times that victory royale is always an instant mega cm moment i ordered a pizza while playing gtav a few years ago forgot to mute my mic and read off my name address card number got a message like a minute later from a random player informing me that my mic was in fact not muted and the whole lobby heard me little did you know you bought pizza for the whole lobby i was playing with like a 12 year old kid in a competitive match and it was close to valentine's day and this kid's brother walk starts yelling at him to make a card for his mom and that the kid says no and starts telling us he's annoying and then his brother got mad the kid left the game and we lost poor kid i was in a discord server and one of the voice chats was a music listening channel most of these automatically mute you as soon as you join but for some reason this one didn't and i didn't know and i was watching peppa pig and the other person noticed if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Studios

Views: 121,015

Rating: 4.7735848 out of 5

Keywords: awkward situations, awkward situations when people lie, awkward situations we can all relate to, most awkward, funniest, #updootst, updoot, updoot reddit, updoot everything, reddit on tap, toadfilms, pewdiepie, reddit, askreddit, funny reddit, reddit stories, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, /r, r/askreddit, top posts of r/, askreddit reading, best reddit posts, top posts of all time, people of reddit, askreddit question, ask reddit, subreddit, sub

Id: Gz9iZmoI4Kg

Length: 119min 18sec (7158 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 04 2020