4 Hour of the Dumbest People of Reddit (Compilation)

fellow teachers of reddit what experiences have you had with dumb parents my wife is a teacher one time she had a parent blame her for giving the student autism my wife isn't autistic the student was evaluated and diagnosed by a third party mom refused to believe this oh crap caught the autism again better stay inside for three to five days and drink plenty of liquid the stupidity of some individuals never ceases to amaze me i substituted an rhs for five months to finish off the year for a teacher who was on maternity leave so i had a student hs senior who never did any homework accounted for 35 of the total grade i would constantly send emails to the parents who always responded that they'd deal with it spoke with the parents at conferences and kept the admin in the loop one week before finals i sent the notice home that she needed to get a 97 on the final to pass the class and get the credits she needed for graduation and i even gave her one more chance to turn in past homework for 50 credit f to the final she barely gets a passing grade and therefore can't get the credits can't graduate can't enlist in the air force like she had intended the parents come into the office of the school screaming at everyone that they had no clue it would come to this when we all sat down in an office with the guidance counselor principal department head and myself i reviewed the several notices with them explained that she had multiple opportunities to gain credit etc but refused to do anything turns out the wife was hiding the emails and information from her husband and wanted her daughter to fail so she wouldn't join the air force and move away from home last i heard from the situation they're not together the daughter is working at lowe's never finished hs and has two kids and multiple arrests for selling drugs there's a reason i didn't want to pursue teaching as a career after that well the mother got her wish daughter was manipulated into staying near home the lack of a decent relationship between these two will cause the daughter to manipulate her own children to the same effect the cycle continues i had one parent come to school drop off her child and physically assault an elementary schooler she believed was bullying her child before i could stop it that was scarring for everybody involved we had a parent instigate an investigation into bullying formal complaint restorative meetings etc because her son was on the playground after school and when one of the older children wanted to get past him he said excuse me little one she said that by not using his name the older child didn't know it he was bullying her son that's actually precious it's an insanely sensible way to get past someone especially being a kid i taught english in colombia for a summer and had some pretty interesting interactions one particular set of parents insisted that their son was a brilliant genius who didn't need to study he rarely came to class and therefore could barely speak any english while the rest of his classmates could speak full basic sentences i emailed his parents my concerns for his apparent lack of motivation and they told me that he could speak perfect english and didn't need to come to class so they let him skip finally parent instructor conferences time came and i asked them to bring their son i asked him in english how is english class coming along he stared blankly and just started crying told you so just before christmas break i had the students hand in a paper one of the students was missing a page so i pulled out the contact sheet that i had the students fill out at the beginning of the year and gave a call the student's father picked up the line said thanks for calling we will definitely get that extra page into you the next day the student's mother comes storming into the classroom she happens to be an education assistant at the school she demands to know where i got that number i said that her son had a push on the contact sheet apparently the parents are separated she proceeded to tell me that i had no right to call that number and that when there is a problem with their son only she has the right to know i told her thanks that's good to know that's when she dropped this bombshell if he hand something and that is incomplete you fail him you got that fail then she walked out of the classroom this coming from a person who is supposed to help children succeed i wouldn't call them dumb parents but parents who are in denial about who their child actually is break my heart for instance we had a student who had an abundance of markers for autism and was in sixth grade all the teachers on the students team agreed they ought to tell the parents their concerns and suggest the student be tested so we could offer more resources for the student the teacher who spoke with them was very polite very kind in suggesting they try and figure out how best to help the student and the mom literally screamed at her that nothing was wrong with her child and that she would never get the student tested her husband even tried to tell her that it wasn't a bad thing and that they should try and see if it would help since his teachers who knew him thought it might the mom started cussing out the teacher and stormed out denial the not so silent color i teach in a college so the students are almost always 18 or over a couple years ago one student's mother called the chair of my department to complain on behalf of her daughter about the difficulty of some work listed on my syllabus my chair was baffled asked the mother if her daughter was over 18 the mother replied that her daughter was 20 years old my chair explained that it was then a daughter's responsibility to either speak with me directly or withdraw from the course that's it that's all it's college people only go if they want to no one's mother can do anything about the workload seriously i'm glad that's the policy in college so then kids who had helicopter parents can learn to grow without the helicopter influence i had a student who i caught plagiarizing in an essay the zero was going to cause the student to not graduate on time the parent called a meeting but i had proof of the action thanks to turnitin.com i explained the assignment and i showed the parent my proof and that is when she said if i wrote that part of the essay not my daughter so she didn't cheat i did i have a love-hate relationship with turnitin.com i like the concept of it but if you have a balls long essay with a hundred quotes say you're doing a book report elmo takes a bath and you have to practically rewrite the book in quotes it makes you look really bad that doesn't mean that i'm not using it when i become a teacher four day weekend come back on monday to 50 emails generally we have 10 15 in my group my voicemail has 10 messages i had not gotten a voicemail once in my entire time at my school parent flipping out that their student is failing how stupid i was for not allowing their student to do the work how ridiculous i was that i could not give her student another chance last email and voicemail is husband apologizing because i am not a teacher of this student got confused with last name i guess turned out okay for you i guess lol taught college so my story is nice had a student failing horrible 10 percent but would not drop whatever not my dime not my problem anyway grades come in and i guess his mother has his password to his account or perhaps he just told her his grade f obviously and i get an angry email insisting that there's no way he could have failed pre-calculus because my god his father is an engineer and the student wants to be an engineer and he just has to be good at math the best part is when you turn 18 and go to college you're treated as an adult even if you don't act like one and there's a little box you can check that says allow my parents to see my records most kids don't check it and by law i am not allowed to release any records to anyone even parents so i politely informed her that her son is considered an adult and i was not allowed to release any records and that she would have to contact him of course this prompted a long i'm going to get you fired email that i forwarded to my dean who came to my office for a long laugh i actually feel pretty bad for the kid having a helicopter mom like that of that age will do him no favors when i was a student teacher we were preparing for parent teacher interviews my cooperating teacher and the vps had to have a discussion with me in regards to meeting with one particular parent basically let my cooperating teacher do all the talking usually i'd be expected to take the letters i had been planning and teaching the course at this point for a while because if we say the wrong thing it's entirely possible that the kid will be showing up to school with bruises the next day apparently the administration had already been involved with this individual and police multiple times before in the end everything turned out okay as far as i know i believe the student went on to graduate middle school that year still something that sticks with me as a reminder that the profession isn't just lessons and grading there's some real crap that goes down occasionally parent thought all the f's the student was receiving stood for fantastico my teacher friend almost lost it in their face during parent teacher conference reminds me of this story my neighbor went to the catholic school where students in primary grades received grades of o outstanding s satisfactory and u unsatisfactory she got a bunch of us on her assignments and her mother was very angry with her and my neighbor told her mom but mom you means you did good the dumbest parents i have experience with are really the ones i had no experience with i generally have about 150 students any given quarter and parent teacher conferences twice a year i never get more than six parents this past quarter was my worst ever one parent showed up what bothers me even more is that i teach middle school an age group that really doesn't want to be in school in an inner city district adding even more to students drive a complete lack of interest in your kids education is the dumbest thing i can think of i've had a parent tell me that her child will be late to class every day because the street lights aren't on when she comes to school the street lights aren't on because the sun is up enablers worthless enablers what the i not me but from a co-worker of mine she informed a parent that her third grader was struggling with multiplication and division she suggested that the parent work with the child on these skills the parent refused because she never learned how to multiply or divide therefore it had no practical use and so she didn't see the big deal sigh that deserves more than a sigh i had a fifth grader blow up on me shouting and screaming in the hallway this was sort of the final straw for him he had a long history of verbal abuse of staff in the school and he was suspended for six days state law allows the parents to have an informal meeting with the teacher and the principal of the school mom and dad come into this meeting with myself the principal and the guidance counselor principal introduces everyone mom interrupts saying she has a major concern that needs to be addressed immediately she accused the principle of being an impostor and demanded that everyone in the room take out their driver's licenses to prove that we are who we say we are we all refused and she battled about this for 10 or so minutes over the course of the next 45 minutes she ranted about how the principal was an imposter and that this impostor principal myself and the superintendent were involved in a conspiracy to remove her son from the school i think i could expose this to our cringe i knew it you're all working together teachers everywhere are in some big conspiracy to fail fifth graders how dare you not take out your driver's license to prove your identity my first year of teaching i had a student who was constantly sleeping in class i called home about it and the mother said that he was always on his computer or watching tv at night and she couldn't get him to stop i was only 23 at the time and didn't feel confident enough to tell a parent how to be a parent but if that happened now i'd calmly tell the parent to go into the room and remove the offending technology i had to show my big sister the best way to disable a computer or ps3 temporarily so her kids wouldn't use them when they weren't allowed and in a way that would be easy to fix that didn't require actually taking the whole device i love my nephews and i get being a techno geek and gamer but they took it a bit too far parents evening one is above target two is on three is below parent why has my child got a three four academic achievement me because they are working two grades under what they should be getting parent but why has she got a three me silent cy because she got a knee on her test parent but a knee does not mean a fail me for her it does parent yeah but it shouldn't be a three inches a circle a horrible horrible circle repeat three times on the flip side i knew i was getting a d in algebra and told my teacher there was no way i could bring home a d he added a comment code that said student is working up to ability so i wasn't being lazy just stupid i had a kid that was very angry got in fights with kids and teachers and so on i worked and worked with this kid and we were making a lot of progress his mom believes in not sharing your feelings and keeping things bottled up so she told him not to talk to me about his feelings anymore for a year anytime he'd try to talk to him he'd say my mom says i don't have to talk about me feeling so i am not going to and it patiently tell him okay he got progressively worse and had such a hard year that year after he came back from summer he came up to me and gave me a hug and told me thank you for helping him the next year he did amazing i'm really happy for him but his mom really stunted his growth with her own fears of being open and vulnerable she never liked me and my hippie weighs your last sentence explains your username and you sound like a great teacher i work as an assistant at an art studio and we have a 7 year old with seizure syndrome except that i'm pretty sure she doesn't i'm pretty sure she has one seizure once and her mom freaked out and had her diagnosed now this little girl loved to terrorize her mother she's told me that she's looked up at me with her big brown eyes and gigantic toothy smile and told me that she likes messing with her mom and making her angry because her mom is too protective and one of those hovercopter parents so this little girl just jerks her mom every which way and it's hilarious because her mom is just like that overbearing extremely protective and really really bossy she'll tell the main teacher and i how to teach her daughter how to draw and how many colors to use etc etc etc but we don't have to retaliate or even say anything because her daughter does it for us that little girl is fantastic that little girl is going to be the death of that mother not a direct interaction with the parents but i feel it fits i coordinate an internship program i caught one of the students stealing it wasn't a lot a few packs of stride gum but something like that makes us look bad to the employer could have jeopardized the entire program i explain everything to school administration and the student gets suspended for three days when he returns he apologizes to me i do a whole spiel that what he did was serious and on a real job if you are caught stealing there are no second chances and i had to promise the manager i'd watch him like a hawk for the rest of the year to lighten the mood up a bit i asked him what he did over the three days of being suspended his mom had taken him to the mall bought him new headphones a few shirts from hollister under berkrum be in new ps3 game which he played all the time he was suspended for stealing my uncle was a teacher in a school for troubled kids for about 10 years elementary one day a kid starts talking about how the plants and deer are all over his house my uncle being a long time surfer and product of the 70s didn't say anything at first then during a parent teacher conference the parents are just being flat out uncooperative it ain't my son's fault you failing him dat on you he do his homework i see him ma'am he needs more [ __ ] no you don't don't what are talking about how do you even be a teacher when you don't know shite my uncle i know you're cultivating marijuana at the same home where your son lives b.o.o.m he said she got a look on her face that was just priceless like she just crapper pants then he told her get rid of the plants today and sit down with your son and help him with his work or else i had a parent who insisted that her daughter be allowed to make up work after her child missed 42 days of school luckily i was able to hand that one off to administration my teacher friend busted one of her kids for cheating and then went and informed the parents the mom actually called the local radio station to complain about the teacher luckily the radio station and the callers thought the mom was crazy as well i teach eleventh grade one sat in an iep special ed meeting the parents wanted all of these accommodations for the student even though we kept bringing up his daily weed habit the accommodations still got on the plan with a promise from him to cut back two parents asking us how to parent their child he gets upset when i take his xbox three a kid kept forgetting his backpack i asked him if he had his cell phone or shoes obviously he did so i told him to put those items in his backpack when he gets home his mom thought i was a genius 4. one parent was exasperated that their child with adhd wasn't doing college level work five two minutes into a phone conference with a mom she compared her son with her other kids and lamented that her son wasn't as good at school as they were six this is the saddest i have a deaf student on parent teacher night the student's parents come to my class with her i quickly deduce that the mom and the dad do not know sign language we talked about her progress and her wanting to go into medicine i had to convince the dad she was capable he kept talking her down and demanding she speak this is a majority of my parent interactions i would say one stroke three are normal but yield no change my mother is a k-12 teacher for a charter school that does homeschooling with a teacher checking in and reviewing things about once a week it's meant for students who have difficulty in the public school system which can range from dropouts to super smart kids to non-english speakers and parents who don't have the time to do full home school i used to helped with grading the math and science stuff so i have tons of stories one parent during the school year kept taking her daughter on trips to different countries and then asking my mother to extend her work we're talking about five or six trips during the year that would be fine if it was laid out at the start of the school year and they could schedule accordingly but this parent would make these trips spontaneously like in a few days we're going to russia so she can't meet you next week like we scheduled two days ago another parent really pee off my mother two kids brothers both seniors almost done with high school all that was left was some sort of state testing done in a classroom one brother shows up the other isn't there my mom proctor for the exam asks where his brother is he replies he didn't feel like coming she tells him that this is all he needs to graduate so text him and get him to come here he doesn't show halfway through the test the kid's mother storms in the door yelling at my own mother telling her off for making her son feel ashamed and humiliated she flips a table over no joke grabs her son that's there who looked like he wanted to die keep in mind he is a senior here like 17 years old or so and storms out the door both brothers fail to get their hs degree as neither had completed the state test the crazy mom then writes a scathing email to my mother's supervisor talking about how she had been lying to her disregarding her problems and her children's education and attempting to sabotage their chance at graduation i have more may post them up later if anyone is interested a mother asked me to give it to her straight about her child i told her he was a threat to other students and a disruption to every class he's ever been in she reported me to the district a 16 year old freshman girl is constantly skipping class and starts failing at the beginning of the year i call mother to inform her about missing class and missing grades the mother puts me on speakerphone without telling me that the kid is listening on the conversation i tell her that i am concerned about the kids attendance and seemingly poor academic habits the mother blows up at me saying that i shouldn't worry about her attendance because it's not my business she then says she's self-employed and frequently far from the school and can't take time to deal with her daughter's school issues she later transfers out of my class to another teacher she failed the class anyway my mom is a kindergarten teacher just a few months ago one parent asked her if it was all right if she came in and gave the kids henna tattoos for a class christmas party my mom decided to give the kids permission slips in order to participate and mentioned the tattoos would be about the size of a nickel and would be holiday themed another parent upon reading the permission slip came into the school and complained to the principal that my mother was trying to turn the kids muslim the principal essentially told her she was a [ __ ] and to frick off good for the principal hannah isn't strictly a muslim thing either not me but a situation that happened in my school we get a new student the last week of may with only four weeks of school left in this school year this student has only attended two one stroke two weeks of school due to school anxiety he has a whole team of professionals his mother and a one-on-one aide that work with him this is also his third school kicked out of his two previous ones and he is in second grade he had a generally good first day fist bumped his teacher did a little bit of stuff then went home and told his mother that it was the worst day in his life mum comes to school all up in arms about how we're ruining her precious little snowflake the next day his classroom teacher tried to get him to do some writing with her the kid looks straight in her eyes and says my mother said i don't have to do anything are you calling my mother a liar q mother the next day all up in arms because the teacher called my precious snowflake a liar so due to his school anxiety he doesn't have to do any work interact with teachers make any movement whatsoever accepts it like a lump in his seat the teacher when giving an assignment to the class has to specify to him but you don't have to do anything if you don't want to it's by far the stupidest situation i've ever witnessed tldr second grader who is professionally advised to not do any work at school because of batshit crazy mother i hope he fails yeah kid you do the work if you want but no work equals zero percent i don't want to call any parents dumb in my experience they are mostly doing the best they can for their kids even if that best isn't what we'd hoped for however i did have a student who came to my student teaching classroom two grades below reading level and similarly behind in other subjects she really wanted to learn but she had some cognitive issues that didn't qualify her for special ed but it meant that she required a lot of time and personal attention to learn well but for that entire school year i worked individually with her before and after school while she was waiting for the bus or after she'd been dropped off and often during her recess and art gym library which she asked me to do because she wanted to learn and wanted the one-on-one attention she improved markedly in reading and in writing which is what we were concentrating on she wasn't caught up at the end of the year but she was a heck of a lot closer she failed the year but because she had a speech issue her parents could decide to send her to the next grade anyway i tried and tried to convince her parents that she should be held back a year because with another year of intensive help which i was going to find a way to secure for her i thought that she could be close to or on grade level and could possibly keep up with the other students after that they refused because they didn't want the other students to make fun of her i have no idea what happened after that because i moved to another state but i bet it wasn't good fellow teachers i've read it what experiences have you had with dumb parents my wife is a teacher one time she had a parent blame her for giving the student autism my wife isn't autistic the student was evaluated and diagnosed by a third party mom refused to believe this oh crap caught the autism again better stay inside for three to five days and drink plenty of liquid the stupidity of some individuals never ceases to amaze me i substituted in rhs for five months to finish off the year for a teacher who was on maternity leave so i had a student hs senior who never did any homework accounted for 35 of the total grade i would constantly send emails to the parents who always responded that they'd deal with it spoke with the parents at conferences and kept the admin in the loop one week before finals i send the notice home that she needed to get a 97 on the final to pass the class and get the credits she needed for graduation and i even gave her one more chance to turn in past homework for 50 credit ff to the final she barely gets a passing grade and therefore can't get the credits can't graduate can't enlist in the air force like she had intended the parents come into the office of the school screaming at everyone that they had no clue it would come to this when we all sat down in an office with the guidance counselor principal department head and myself i reviewed the several notices with them explained that she had multiple opportunities to gain credit etc but refused to do anything turns out the wife was hiding the emails and information from her husband and wanted her daughter to fail so she wouldn't join the air force and move away from home last i heard from the situation they're not together the daughter is working at lowe's never finished hs and has two kids and multiple arrests for selling drugs there's a reason i didn't want to pursue teaching as a career after that well the mother got her wish daughter was manipulated into staying near home the lack of a decent relationship between these two caused the daughter to manipulate her own children to the same effect the cycle continues i had one parent come to school drop off her child and physically assault an elementary schooler she believed was bullying her child before i could stop it that was scarring for everybody involved we had a parent instigate an investigation into bullying formal complaint restorative meetings etc because her son was on the playground after school and when one of the older children wanted to get past him he said excuse me little one she said that by not using his name the older child didn't know it he was bullying her son that's actually precious it's an insanely sensible way to get past someone especially being a kid i taught english in colombia for a summer and had some pretty interesting interactions one particular set of parents insisted that their son was a brilliant genius who didn't need to study he rarely came to class and therefore could barely speak any english while the rest of his classmates could speak full basic sentences i emailed his parents my concerns for his apparent lack of motivation and they told me that he could speak perfect english and didn't need to come to class so they let him skip finally parent instructor conferences time came and i asked them to bring their son i asked him in english how is english class coming along he stared blankly and just started crying told you so just before christmas break i had the students hand in a paper one of the students was missing a page so i pulled out the contact sheet that i had the students fill out at the beginning of the year and gave a call the student's father picked up the line said thanks for calling we will definitely get that extra page into you the next day the student's mother comes storming into the classroom she happens to be an education assistant at the school she demands to know where i got that number i said that her son had put it on the contact sheet apparently the parents are separated she proceeded to tell me that i had no right to call that number and that when there is a problem with their son only she has the right to know i told her thanks that's good to know that's when she dropped this bombshell if he hand something and that is incomplete you fail him you got that fail then she walked out of the classroom this coming from a person who is supposed to help children succeed i wouldn't call them dumb parents but parents who are in denial about who their child actually is break my heart for instance we had a student who had an abundance of markers for autism and was in sixth grade all the teachers on the students team agreed they ought to tell the parents their concerns and suggest the student be tested so we could offer more resources for the student the teacher who spoke with them was very polite very kind in suggesting they try and figure out how best to help the student and the mom literally screamed at her that nothing was wrong with her child and that she would never get the student tested her husband even tried to tell her that it wasn't a bad thing and that they should try and see if it would help since his teachers who knew him thought it might the mom started cussing out the teacher and stormed out denial the not so silent color i teach in a college so the students are almost always 18 or over a couple years ago one student's mother called the chair of my department to complain on behalf of her daughter about the difficulty of some work listed on my syllabus my chair was baffled asked the mother if her daughter was over 18 the mother replied that her daughter was 20 years old my chair explained that it was then a daughter's responsibility to either speak with me directly or withdraw from the course that's it that's all it's college people only go if they want to no one's mother can do anything about the workload seriously i'm glad that's the policy in college so then kids who had helicopter parents can learn to grow without the helicopter influence i had a student who i caught plagiarizing in an essay the zero was going to cause the student to not graduate on time the parent called a meeting but i had proof of the action thanks to turnitin.com i explained the assignment and i showed the parent my proof and that is when she said if i wrote that part of the essay not my daughter so she didn't cheat i did i have a love hate relationship with turnerton.com i like the concept of it but if you have a balls long essay with a hundred quotes say you're doing a book report elmo takes a bath and you have to practically rewrite the book in quotes it makes you look really bad that doesn't mean that i'm not using it when i become a teacher four day weekend come back on monday to 50 emails generally we have 10 15 in my group my voicemail has 10 messages i had not gotten a voicemail once in my entire time at my school parent flipping out that their student is failing how stupid i was for not allowing their student to do the work how ridiculous i was that i could not give her student another chance last email and voicemail is husband apologizing because i am not a teacher of this student got confused with last name i guess turned out okay for you i guess lol taught college so my story is nice had a student failing horrible 10 but would not drop whatever not my dime not my problem anyway grades come in and i guess his mother has his password to his account or perhaps he just told her his grade f obviously and i get an angry email insisting that there's no way he could have failed pre-calculus because my god his father is an engineer and the student wants to be an engineer and he just has to be good at math the best part is when you turn 18 and go to college you're treated as an adult even if you don't act like one and there's a little box you can check that says allow my parents to see my records most kids don't check it and by law i am not allowed to release any records to anyone even parents so i politely informed her that her son is considered an adult and i was not allowed to release any records and that she would have to contact him of course this prompted a long i'm going to get you fired email that i forwarded to my dean who came to my office for a long laugh i actually feel pretty bad for the kid having a helicopter mom like that of that age will do him no favors when i was a student teacher we were preparing for parent-teacher interviews my co-operating teacher and the vps had to have a discussion with me in regards to meeting with one particular parent basically let my cooperating teacher do all the talking usually i'd be expected to take the letters i had been planning and teaching the course at this point for a while because if we say the wrong thing it's entirely possible that the kid will be showing up to school with bruises the next day apparently the administration had already been involved with this individual and police multiple times before in the end everything turned out okay as far as i know i believe the student went on to graduate middle school that year still something that sticks with me as a reminder that the profession isn't just lessons and grading there's some real crap that goes down occasionally parent thought all the f's a student was receiving stood for fantastico my teacher friend almost lost it in their face during parent teacher conference reminds me of this story my neighbor went to the catholic school where students in primary grades received grades of though outstanding s satisfactory and you unsatisfactory she got a bunch of us on her assignments and her mother was very angry with her and my neighbor told her mom but mom you means you did good the dumbest parents i have experience with are really the ones i had no experience with i generally have about 150 students any given quarter and parent teacher conferences twice a year i never get more than six parents this past quarter was my worst ever one parent showed up what bothers me even more is that i teach middle school an age group that really doesn't want to be in school in an inner city district adding even more to students drive a complete lack of interest in your kids education is the dumbest thing i can think of i've had a parent tell me that her child will be late to class every day because the street lights aren't on when she comes to school the street lights aren't on because the sun is up enablers worthless enablers what the i not me but from a co-worker of mine she informed a parent that her third grader was struggling with multiplication and division she suggested that the parent work with the child on these skills the parent refused because she never learned how to multiply or divide therefore it had no practical use and so she didn't see the big deal sigh that deserves more than a sigh i had a fifth grader blow up on me shouting and screaming in the hallway this was sort of the final straw for him he had a long history of verbal abuse of staff in the school and he was suspended for six days state law allows the parents to have an informal meeting with the teacher and the principal of the school mum and dad come into this meeting with myself the principal and the guidance counselor principal introduces everyone mom interrupts saying she has a major concern that needs to be addressed immediately she accused the principle of being an imposter and demanded that everyone in the room take out their driver's licenses to prove that we are who we say we are we all refused and she battled about this for 10 or so minutes over the course of the next 45 minutes she ranted about how the principal was an impostor and that this impostor principal myself and the superintendent were involved in a conspiracy to remove her son from the school i think i could expose this to our cringe i knew it you're all working together teachers everywhere are in some big conspiracy to fail fifth graders how dare you not take out your driver's license to prove your identity my first year of teaching i had a student who was constantly sleeping in class i called home about it and the mother said that he was always on his computer or watching tv at night and she couldn't get him to stop i was only 23 at the time and didn't feel confident enough to tell a parent how to be a parent but if that happened now i'd calmly tell the parent to go into the room and remove the offending technology i had to show my big sister the best way to disable a computer or ps3 temporarily so her kids wouldn't use them when they weren't allowed and in a way that would be easy to fix that didn't require actually taking the whole device i love my nephews and i get being a techno geek and gamer but they took it a bit too far parents evening one is above target two is on three is below parent why has my child got a three four academic achievement me because they are working two grades under what they should be getting parent but why has she got a three me silent psy because she got an e on her test parent but a knee does not mean a fail me for her it does parent yeah but it shouldn't be a three inches a circle a horrible horrible circle repeat three times on the flip side i knew i was getting a d in algebra and told my teacher there was no way i could bring home a d he added a comment code that said student is working up to ability so i wasn't being lazy just stupid i had a kid that was very angry got in fights with kids and teachers and so on i worked and worked with this kid and we were making a lot of progress his mom believes in not sharing your feelings and keeping things bottled up so she told him not to talk to me about his feelings anymore for a year any time i'd try to talk to him he'd say my mom says i don't have to talk about me feeling so i am not going to and it patiently tell him okay he got progressively worse and had such a hard year that year after he came back from summer he came up to me and gave me a hug and told me thank you for helping him the next year he did amazing i'm really happy for him but his mom really stunted his growth with her own fears of being open and vulnerable she never liked me in my hippie ways your last sentence explains your username and you sound like a great teacher i work as an assistant at an art studio and we have a seven-year-old with seizure syndrome except that i'm pretty sure she doesn't i'm pretty sure she has one seizure once and her mom freaked out and had her diagnosed now this little girl loved to terrorize her mother she's told me that she's looked up at me with her big brown eyes and gigantic toothy smile and told me that she likes messing with her mom and making her angry because her mom is too protective and one of those hovercopter parents so this little girl just jerks her mom every which way and it's hilarious because her mom is just like that overbearing extremely protective and really really bossy she'll tell the main teacher and i how to teach her daughter how to draw and how many colors to use etc etc etc but we don't have to retaliate or even say anything because her daughter does it for us that little girl is fantastic that little girl is going to be the death of that mother not a direct interaction with the parents but i feel it fits i coordinate an internship program i caught one of the students stealing it wasn't a lot a few packs of stride gum but something like that makes us look bad to the employer could have jeopardized the entire program i explain everything to school administration and the student gets suspended for three days when he returns he apologizes to me i do a whole spiel that what he did was serious and on a real job if you are caught stealing there are no second chances and i had to promise the manager i'd watch him like a hawk for the rest of the year to lighten the mood up a bit i asked him what he did over the three days of being suspended his mom had taken him to the mall bought him new headphones a few shirts from hollister and abercrombie in new ps3 game which he played all the time he was suspended for stealing my uncle was a teacher in a school for troubled kids for about 10 years elementary one day a kid starts talking about how the plants and dare are all over his house my uncle being a long time surfer and product of the 70s didn't say anything at first then during a parent-teacher conference the parents are just being flat-out uncooperative it ain't my son's fault you failing him dat on you he do his homework i see him ma'am he needs more fock no you don't don't what are talking about how do you even be a teacher when you don't know shite my uncle i know you're cultivating marijuana at the same home where your son lives b.o.o.m he said she got a look on her face that was just priceless like she just crapper pants then he told her get rid of the plants today and sit down with your son and help him with his work or else i had a parent who insisted that her daughter be allowed to make up work after her child missed 42 days of school luckily i was able to hand that one off to administration my teacher friend busted one of her kids for cheating and then went and informed the parents the mom actually called a local radio station to complain about the teacher luckily the radio station and the callers thought the mom was crazy as well i teach eleventh grade one sat in an iep special ed meeting the parents wanted all of these accommodations for the student even though we kept bringing up his daily weed habit the accommodation still got on the plan with a promise from him to cut back two parents asking us how to parent their child he gets upset when i take his xbox three a kid kept forgetting his backpack i asked him if he had his cell phone or shoes obviously he did so i told him to put those items in his backpack when he gets home his mom thought i was a genius four one parent was exasperated that their child with adhd wasn't doing college level work five two minutes into a phone conference with a mom she compared her son with her other kids and lamented that her son wasn't as good at school as they were six this is the saddest i have a deaf student on parent teacher night the student's parents come to my class with her i quickly deduced that the mom and the dad do not know sign language we talked about her progress and her wanting to go into medicine i had to convince the dad she was capable he kept talking her down and demanding she speak this is a majority of my parent interactions i would say one stroke three are normal but yield no change my mother is a k-12 teacher for a charter school that does homeschooling with a teacher checking in and reviewing things about once a week it's meant for students who have difficulty in the public school system which can range from dropouts to super smart kids to non-english speakers and parents who don't have the time to do full home school i used to helped with grading the math and science stuff so i have tons of stories one parent during the school year kept taking her daughter on trips to different countries and then asking my mother to extend her work we're talking about five or six trips during the year that would be fine if it was laid out at the start of the school year and they could schedule accordingly but this parent would make these trips spontaneously like in a few days we're going to russia so she can't meet you next week like we scheduled two days ago another parent really pee off my mother two kids brothers both seniors almost done with high school all that was left was some sort of state testing done in a classroom one brother shows up the other isn't there my mom proctor for the exam asks where his brother is he replies he didn't feel like coming she tells him that this is all he needs to graduate so text him and get him to come here he doesn't show halfway through the test the kid's mother storms in the door yelling at my own mother telling her off for making her son feel ashamed and humiliated she flips a table over no joke grabs her son that's there who looked like he wanted to die keep in mind he is a senior like 17 years old or so and storms out the door both brothers failed to get their hs degree as neither had completed the state test the crazy mom then writes a scathing email to my mother's supervisor talking about how she had been lying to her disregarding her problems and her children's education and attempting to sabotage their chance at graduation i have more may post them up later if anyone is interested a mother asked me to give it to her straight about her child i told her he was a threat to other students and a disruption to every class he's ever been in she reported me to the district a 16 year old freshman girl is constantly skipping class and starts failing at the beginning of the year i call mother to inform her about missing class and missing grades the mother puts me on speakerphone without telling me that the kid is listening on the conversation i tell her that i am concerned about the kids attendance and seemingly poor academic habits the mother blows up at me saying that i shouldn't worry about her attendance because it's not my business she then says she's self-employed and frequently far from the school and can't take time to deal with her daughter's school issues she later transfers out of my class to another teacher she failed the class anyway my mom is a kindergarten teacher just a few months ago one parent asked her if it was all right if she came in and gave the kids henna tattoos for a class christmas party my mom decided to give the kids permission slips in order to participate and mentioned the tattoos would be about the size of a nickel and would be holiday themed another parent upon reading the permission slip came into the school and complained to the principal that my mother was trying to turn the kids muslim the principal essentially told her she was a [ __ ] and to frick off good for the principal hannah isn't strictly a muslim thing either not me but a situation that happened in my school we get a new student the last week of may with only four weeks of school left in this school year this student has only attended two one stroke two weeks of school due to school anxiety he has a whole team of professionals his mother and a one-on-one aide that work with him this is also his third school kicked out of his two previous ones and he is in second grade he had a generally good first day fist bumped his teacher did a little bit of stuff then went home and told his mother that it was the worst day in his life mum comes to school all up in arms about how we're ruining her precious little snowflake the next day his classroom teacher tried to get him to do some writing with her the kid looks straight in her eyes and says my mother said i don't have to do anything are you calling my mother a liar cue mother the next day all up in arms because the teacher called my precious snowflake a liar so due to his school anxiety he doesn't have to do any work interact with teachers make any movement whatsoever accepts it like a lump in his seat the teacher when giving an assignment to the class has to specify to him but you don't have to do anything if you don't want to it's by far the stupidest situation i've ever witnessed tldr second grader who is professionally advised to not do any work at school because of batshit crazy mother i hope he fails yeah kid you do the work if you want but no work equals zero percent i don't want to call any parents dumb in my experience they are mostly doing the best they can for their kids even if that best isn't what we'd hoped for however i did have a student who came to my student teaching classroom two grades below reading level and similarly behind in other subjects she really wanted to learn but she had some cognitive issues that didn't qualify her for special ed but meant that she required a lot of time and personal attention to learn well but for that entire school year i worked individually with her before and after school while she was waiting for the bus or after she'd been dropped off and often during her recess and art gym library which she asked me to do because she wanted to learn and wanted the one-on-one attention she improved markedly in reading and in writing which is what we were concentrating on she wasn't caught up at the end of the year but she was a heck of a lot closer she failed the year but because she had a speech issue her parents could decide to send her to the next grade anyway i tried and tried to convince her parents that she should be held back a year because with another year of intensive help which i was going to find a way to secure for her i thought that she could be close to or on grade level and could possibly keep up with the other students after that they refused because they didn't want the other students to make fun of her i have no idea what happened after that because i moved to another state but i bet it wasn't good app developers and programmers offered it what was the dumbest app program idea someone ever proposed to you someone tried to sell a friend a membership to the new internet she asked me to sit in and listen to the sales guy's pitch at the time i was running a web hosting business along with managing a smaller dial up isps networking infrastructure the new internet was going to be built new from the ground up all new infrastructure but without all the stuff that makes the internet bad the sales guy couldn't explain how that was going to work for only 50 dollars my friend would get a lifetime membership members of the new internet could surf the old internet and enter information about old internet web pages into a form on the new internet about those old internet pages then the new internet could suggest pages on the old internet when members of the new internet did searches about them the members of the new internet would get paid for entering this information on the new internet system so after a while new internet's members would start making money and recover their membership fee my uncle suggested i create a type of digital map that could direct you places and help you get from point a to point b he suggested this three weeks ago every time the office goes somewhere like four hour holiday dinner or whatever my boss will stop by everybody's desk with a print out of the map quest directions d my favorite but dumbest was chipotle which would match you with people with similar or compatible chipotle orders this has potential my family has a technology business and when my mom started to learn to make apps to support the product she made a test app first the whole app was just one search bar that you could type any word and it would do nothing unless you search loser and then it would pop up with a picture of me from middle school with a bad sunburn and braces thanks mom sorry gang it never hit the shelves it only exists on my mom's really old android tablet a friend of mine wanted me to make an app that turned your phone screen into a mirror not front-facing camera not just blacking the screen but a little mirror he couldn't grasp why this wasn't possible also any kind of new social media app that they think can be made by one person in an hour many many years ago my dad's palm had an app that did exactly that and because of how reflective that screen was it actually worked fairly well probably not well enough to apply makeup or anything but as an emergency mirror to check if you've got something on your face it was entirely adequate any attempt to create another social media app knockoffs of popular games like the plethora of temple run games an app for a smart watch that will run in the background and periodically meow i want a meowing watch not mine but for our capstone project various faculty around campus get to put in project proposals for us to choose from the worst freaking proposal was a magic 8 ball type of app but instead of a magic 8 ball it was a psychic dog it was supposed to scan your dog's poor and give some kind of eight ball-esque answer to your question the group that got stuck with that project i felt so bad for them repeatedly asking for changes the night before each deadline and getting upset when it didn't come out the way they wanted also they wanted to charge money for this crap up too i have a buddy who is a programmer and a while back wanted to just get used to making an iphone app and uploading to the itunes store so that he was familiar with the process for when he wanted to do a real app as practice he made an app that would randomly generate a name based on census data more common names were more common it made it on some websites list of top 10 lazy apps and a bunch of authors started buying it at last i heard he had made about 20 000 on his stupid app he uploaded for practice wait till you hear about my new startup you'll have to sign an nda to hear details but it's called hello world an app that does your taxes for you after talking about a site that does it an app to make this noise a website to take custom butcher orders the reason this is dumb is that nobody in the shop would know how to run it except for me and i was one of the butchers i had a friend who had an idea for youtube but better he didn't know how it would be better also he had no idea about domain names hosting vps maintaining a website designing a website or literally anything after he explained it i let him down as gently as i could that is the stupidest freaking idea i've ever heard tbh there needs to be a new youtube like skype to discord i got mix reviews on this one so i'll add it to the list back when i was in a coding program our final project was to propose an idea have the group vote on it and build the app my app idea was a yelp like app for finding public restrooms and leaving reviews on them but some classmates said that was a smart idea while others weren't so excited about it as someone with crons please someone make this true story at a company i worked for we had created an app that tracked employees time each employee would have to log in and click a button to clock in we were approached by a manager of a department that wanted us to create an app that would allow the employee to log in and then click a button that would then essentially click the one button the employee would have to click to clock in like seriously did you just ask us to build an application to click one button when it would be the exact same as using the other app i'm getting second hand furious about this one old boss runs a low-level it company wanted me to develop a backup redundancy for military air traffic control software including designing our own hardware all because i used to be a controller no idea how to design build or test hardware no concept of military systems designs or contracts federal regulations military agreements anything no software development background basically he had an idea with absolutely no way to implement and no idea where to start ultimately he ditched that idea in favor of certifying small businesses as hipaa compliant and got angry that i wouldn't just give him a checklist of things to check due to the litany of federal compliance requirements that were deemed too much work to review learn codify and comply with trash i feel you i software engineer was placed in charge of a project to build new hardware simply because i'd once worked adjacent to a group that did similar things and that made me more experienced than any of the other employees my family friend develops apps and i always loved her stories my personal favorite was a weed breathalyzer app for your iphone if you blow into your iphone to see if you're high you're high pretty simple mile rails delivery service we'll go to restaurants and deliver food to you house or go to the store and pick up your groceries my pitch to an entrepreneurial class in 1998. what a stupid idea there's no way anyone could make money doing that i once had a friend who wanted me to urgently make a full-on sports betting up in one week like talk about choosing beggars extraordinaire he wanted one person to make a commercial betting up goal live in one week urgently i could all but laugh in his face and tell him to frick off an app that you could make a list in that would live update to all of your devices so that we can have a family shopping list my mom circa 2018 i told her that you could use google docs for that and showed her how and she goes but that's not for making shopping lists you got google keep as well my sister in law thought i should make a business using drones to make fake reindeer hoof prints on roofs and other evidence of santa and when i told her yeah no that's not going to work she said well you should make a program that does that with a drone and sell that well you can always sell it to north korea they would love to bring gifts to the rest of the world local line cook wanted me to make this app as a side project open your refrigerator and take a picture with your smartphone the app will give you all of the recipes that you can make with the stuff in your fridge the app itself would be amazing if it wasn't basically impossible to build edit line cook to line cook every company with more than 100 employees and a non-tech savvy boss will add some point p away seven figures on a branded social app or website that's going to be the next facebook or twitter where millions of potential customers will certainly want to hang out and crickets yeah you're going to shut that thing down within six months because it is too embarrassing that your big bet social community is a buggy boring blatantly sales focused ghost town dang i didn't know some of that stuff actually went through i am imagining some boss messaging everyone on facebook to use a better alternative a contest traffic where people would be entered to win prizes and somehow large companies coca-cola for instance would pay us a few cents for each ticket entered he just needed someone to put together the code over a weekend and promised me 30 of the profits he had no answer when i asked him why would large companies pay for us to run raffles through this app i declined his offer i have only three words for suggestions like this one money upfront i hope this qualifies because it is the most unrealistic request i've ever heard a guy wanted to build a game engine that would incorporate all the major game categories fps rts sim open world rpg etc as building blocks and let a player create a custom one-off game session by picking which of the elements to combine into a game that would then be multiplayer over the internet i am not capable of imagining the code it would take to make something like this work i can do a single player version of this it's called a box of lego i had a navy captain ask me to add a friend folk column to the country's table took me about two seconds then he asked me to populate the fields with what whether we're friend or foe with that country um sir i'm a contractor that really seems like something that somebody with authority should provide sounds like a relationship status but it needs and it's complicated added at least facebook for base fishing facebook for local bands facebook but only for people at our school i know i know facebook but for dating i always have the exact same response send me the technical details in an email and i will review them i have never received an email in most cases people just want you to humor them the other fun question is i make the app side tool what do you do i'm a publisher send me your finished manuscript and i will review it nope never happens had a friend once who tried desperately to get me to create a search engine that could compete with google he's not the brightest crayon in the box lol i mean if you could build a search engine that could in fact compete with google that would probably be a pretty good money maker course that's in much the same vein as if i could fly like superman my morning commute would be a lot easier i want you to make a simple mobile game like call of duty so i can host a tournament for my son's birthday it's due next week can you do it for me as a favor please i was speechless working in corporate america we get people that think the company has the budget or engineering staff of facebook or google at various points i've been asked to build an app that replaced features of chrome notepad plus plus sap and e-commerce sites with features and layouts based on ideas from facebook rather than business applications google and facebook have an army of engineers working on their products we're not going to be replacing them on a shoestring budget nor should we an acquaintance once said he'd give me one of his ideas i was curious how dumb it would be so i asked he said like facebook bit for sports i said so facebook yeah bit for sports you know where teams can create pages and fans can talk about the team so facebook no for sports this went on for about five minutes before i explained that teams and fans can already accomplish everything he wanted using facebook the same guy argued with me when i said that ideas are worthless without execution sure if you have particular industry insider knowledge your idea might have some value the chances are we're talking about an entire business plan that generates value not just facebook forex you know where teams can create pages and fans can talk about the team so facebook no for sports so read it then an app that would have access your gmail to read all your orders to check for price drops to get the difference and the user pays on the honor system afterwards part of the savings an app that would handle the writing of long tweets but was also a full-blown twitter client an app that would send an sms when you lost signal lots of apps that just expect your app can do anything well it just has ios allowing us to see everything the user does in other apps an app that would send an sms when you lost signal i too would like this app one of my classmates requested a copy of google chrome browser not like a copy paste of google chrome but a custom browser similar to google chrome dude what was wrong with the real google chrome when people wanted internet explorer but better i would install firefox and put on an ie skin on it and change the icons looked like ie but ran like firefox and actually loaded pages my boss asked me to write a business plan for an uber-like service for babysitters at the time there was a lot of issues with uber drivers and debauchery's violence at least in the media when i asked him how he planned to do background checks or informed him that usually parents wanted to do an interview before leaving their children he wasn't pleased needless to say the prospectus painted a grim picture of our potential liabilities something like this exists it's called chime by sitter city you register to be essentially an on-call babysitter for certain times oh there are a bunch of dumb apps in the store like seriously there's apps that claim to make your phone into a scale and people download it they totally work you either weigh enough to break your phone or not i was contracted to build a church website and one of the deacons i worked with wanted every single page to have different music played when it came up the site was going to be about 20 pages i mean honestly the only irrational part is that people don't stay on a page too long usually if you had the playlist of 20 songs in a randomized queue that played while people were on the site that wouldn't be too bad audio isn't too common but i am sure old people would love it lol i like to cook but i don't usually follow recipes i'll just throw stuff together my boyfriend commented once that i should make an app to save my recipes in case i want to recreate them while his heart was in the right place i could also just use any number of note-taking apps if i wanted to do this i did have ideas pop in my head from the suggestion on how to go overboard with features selecting ingredients and measurements instead of having to type them in tagging recipes with keywords etc but that would be a lot of work for something i wouldn't use when i was in college someone once asked me to write a program that would send our trash into space from a trash can this man was probably 55 i told him it sounded like a good idea crap i would have laughed at his face if this happened to me lol oh lord i had some trashy woman propose to me an app that would like i can't even explain it because it made no sense but basically it involved signals on motorcycles and having your helmet also have signals on it and somehow this involved a mobile app somehow it was supposed to make riding a motorcycle safer because you had signals also on your helmet which is not entirely without merit but it's not just an app you'd need to develop a helmet that could do this and a motorcycle that could do this and like at this point the app is like not the star of the show here like maybe the helmet and motorcycle should just talk to each other and not go through your phone but as it was proposed to me you were meant to like tap a button on your app when you wanted to signal and i was like thought it's not safer at all though a bike that connects to a smart helmet with a built-in hud sounds absolutely badass and i now want one my partner is a programmer so i've got to witness a couple of stupid app pictures over the years the one i remember quite well was some dude we met at a bar backpacker type who had just arrived in town his idea was to make an app for travellers that basically would let your family back home book some random person i think other travelers in the area to stage an intervention with you if your family back home felt like you needed deserved it like let overbearing mothers pay to have some rondo do their overbearing business so you'd never get to rest while on vacation i have to first one was pitched to me as a search engine google type app that would help direct people to the correct website they were looking for if they mistyped or misspelled the information i.e cisco systems instead of cisco foods when i pointed out that most search engines already had this functionality for free they got upset second more of a website proposal whereby users would pay a large monthly subscription fee to view web cameras from around the world dedicated to only show a live feed of the sunset wherever it is on the earth this was during the 2000.com boom when tech money poured out of everyone's ears that sunset one doesn't sound bad tbh especially if you honed in on a few hq cameras expand it to other scenic views morning over mountains rain in a forest etc etc and that's a pretty cool website idk how profitable it would be but i can imagine office workers would tune in to at least check it out and to get away for a second all the comments about social media apps are true it's also shocking how many people want a copy of an app that already exists most of those also happen to be the most popular social media app at the time what i find with a lot of new apps is that at this point it's become like this other app but with x a while ago at a party i started chatting with some guy about biomedical applications of automatic image recognition that's not even really my field truth to be told i'm not even really a programmer just a mathematician who occasionally cosplays as a computer scientist after a bit he started trying to convince me to work with him on an app to tell users if a mole looks cancerous or not given a photo i tried to tell him that one the law with good reason does not have much sense of humor regarding unlicensed medical advice and selling such an app would be a remarkably efficient way to freak up your life or two doctors in order to make their diagnosis make use of a lot of domain knowledge that i have little clue about and that would be tricky to implement in an algorithm even if i knew it three the only vaguely ethical way to code such an app would be to have it ignore the camera image altogether and say this might be cancerous see a doctor no matter the photo seriously if you are concerned enough about a mole to consider using such an app you should have gone to a doctor at least a week ago do not freak with skin cancer but i know from common acquaintances that for a while after the party he was worried that i would steal his idea a few apps like this actually exist if i recall correctly they analyze photos for risk factors like irregular shape color etc and then offer a risk assessment while making it clear that they're only offering advice not a diagnosis and that you should consult a doctor in case of any doubt not very interesting for making money though they are typically offered as a free service it was pitched as i am quoting timber for offices where you swipe between the profiles of colleagues at the office to find an empty desk near someone with the same professional interests as you another one was keyboards with mechanical energy harvesting devices to produce power not sure if they were serious though i'm into the tinder for offices really a few years ago i worked for a big big big price comparison site a senior manager related to the founder came up with the idea that we should make an app that infects his words a visitor's browser and when the visitor competitor fire a pop-up to tell them our prices are better about one month's work for a very expensive team who for the whole month said is this legal spoiler it was not and thankfully the whole project was canned not a developer but some guy told one of my friends that he wants to create a wrap that makes desktop icons and these icons would link file paths and take you to a folder english is not my main language so i apologize for grammar or other stupid crap i don't know i typed you could call them cut shorts i had a custodian come up to me to ask if i could whip up a little app for him which implemented his solution of the roulette wheel a little discussion of the las vegas fallacy went nowhere had a guy pitch me on what he thought was the greatest idea ever that no one else had thought of wanted me to sign an nda when i told him i'm not signing an nda and i've probably heard your idea and turned it down six times already he said oh you haven't heard this one his idea was craigslist and facebook so facebook marketplace doctors over at it what was your dummy star i am verified patient experience rn here i see some crazy stuff but one thing that stands out was the time i was admitting a guide to the hospital i can't really remember what for but he was about 400 pounds diabetic heart disease you name it anyhow i'm at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his 10 family members who are crowded in the room with him a few minutes and he starts complaining that he's thirsty he needs something to drink right now so i get on my phone and call the nurse assistant and is here to bring in some ice water as soon as the words are out of my mouth the whole family screams no water he's allergic to water well this is gonna be a problem turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but sprite and sweet tea for years because of his water allergy the next question the wife had was where are we all supposed to sleep the whole family 10 people were planning to stay at the hospital with him you can't make this crap up i work in the air we had a very pregnant patient come in needing stitches and her lady parts turns out she was a realtor and didn't want her water to break while she was showing a house so she put a glass cup in her pants to catch the water instead of using a pad or an adult diaper she went for a glass cup she sat down while showing a house and sure enough it broke and cut her up pretty bad between the guy putting on blood into his dong and now this i don't think i'm gonna see my genitals again for a couple of days was working at a clinic i was speaking with a non-controlled diabetic patient about her sugar intake and she said she drinks a 32-ounce soda every day i ask her if it's regular or diet and she replies with its half regular i let the ice melt first so there isn't as much sugar in it sorry but that isn't how it works i have had several arguments with diabetics about coke kool-aid sweet tea versus those made with artificial sugar i tell them look don't drink sugar if you have to have something like that use an artificial sweetener no way that stuff is poison it will kill me mom your a1c is 14. sugar is already killing you i have one i got this from my friend who is a doctor on the children's ward in a rural hospital these parents bring in their child whose hair is infested with lice the lice was visible to the naked eye and could be seen crawling on the child's clothing while the medical staff examined the child in order to determine a course of action they discovered the child was covered in a white powder and smelled heavily of chemicals they asked the parents what were the substances in the smells emanating from the child the parent said quite a matter of fact it was savine powder and flea and tick spray they used on their dogs on the family's farm needless to say social workers were notified about this case had a neighbor in rural tn who was convinced that the best way to treat her child's head lice was to comb diesel fuel through it and that doing it in an enclosed living room while smoking cigarettes was acceptable she was baffled when cps took her kid away seventy you female tripped and fell two days ago she came it with hip pain but reports after the full her nose was bleeding she had landed on her nose about a year prior her dentist had messes up an infraorbital nerve block and caused some swelling in that region but that all was resolved this old lady is now convinced her nosebleed after falling on her face is related to an infection from the dental issue a year ago after multiple back and forth on the ecology of the nosebleed she became the first patient i raised my voice and put down an authoritative no you are wrong just stop it this has got to be the medical equivalent to the update you installed on the computer a year ago is making it run funny get over here and fix it i work for an optometrist and it was the month before school started and a woman brought in her son to have his eyes checked for the first time seems like a pretty reasonable thing for any parent even if he was a little older than usual for a first eye exam better late than never i guess the mom was well spoken and appeared fairly intelligent everything went as normal the doctor examined the boy and ended up prescribing glasses when the doctor was explaining to the mom that her son had to wear his glasses all the time since he's nearsighted and basically can't see clearly past five feet in front of him and will definitely need glasses for school for some reason this caused the switch to flip in the moment she spazzed out on the doctor saying that her son doesn't need glasses and that the doctor is only saying that he does because he wants to sell glasses she says that she only brought her son in because there was some form for school that needed to be filled out and that doctors are all a con artist trying to push unnecessary medications and interventions the doctor tried to calm her down and explain that he's only trying to help them but that she was free to get a second opinion and gave her a copy of the kids prescription and sent them on their way about four months later the lady is back asking for another copy of her son's prescription apparently the first semester midterm results were in and her son failed them all because he couldn't see the board in his classes and needs glasses most of my own stories go along similar lines to patient as chest pain driving a coach load of school children thinks it's indigestion swig's bottle of gabas gun later diagnosed with a huge heart attack my favorite ever story from a colleague a patient comes into a and e with abdominal pain as part of the work up he gets an abdominal x-ray which shows the problem as clear as day the colleague has then proceeded to remove from the patient's rectum an 8-inch replica of nelson's column the statue in the center of trafalgar square london on showing it to the patient the response was oh that's nelson he lives up there i've got two stories that stick out in my mind the first is the mother of a toddler who came into emerg the kid had cruddy green bloody stuff coming out of his left nostril and a lot of redness and swelling of only the left side of his nose and the adjacent cheek mum was sure he caught a sinus infection and just wanted some antibiotics now i know some kids like shoving whatever will fit into their body orifices and that this was more than likely given the one-sided nature of his condition but mom was insistent that he never puts things in his nose it took some convincing but i finally got her to let me take a look gave a squirt of my dazzle lamb in the good nostril to settle him then dug with some tweezers through the crud until i pulled out a big olay button battery it would have been burning his nose for a couple days hopefully he healed up well side note if a kid swallows a button battery it can do a similar thing to their esophagus this is an emergency and needs to be dealt with asap patient had a hard time getting pregnant finally conceived but miscarried patient has a dnc so she can try again this time with medical intervention but we monitor her blood to ensure the pregnancy hormone is gone before beginning treatment but she keeps coming back with higher levels of hormone docs are worried because she might have some retained placenta or pituitary disorder and this could be super bad for future fertility we call her in for a conversation about the hormone levels not going away after talking together about what might be wrong they are going to go home and think about further tests she says i need to go i have an appointment at the weight loss center for an hcg shot turns out that she is on the hcg diet hcg is the pregnancy hormone and this was after an hour of the doc saying we don't know why you have these constant higher levels of hcg in your blood and we are worried clinical pharmacists here btw with one story in the year and one in the pharmacy one a physician told me this one 16 year old boy presented to the ear with an extremely swollen discolored dong apparently he has been using his mom's insulin needles to draw blood out of his arm and inject it into his own dong he thought that adding blood would help increase his size his dong was terribly infected and he was hospitalized for a week or so two one day in the pharmacy a girl comes to the counter requesting a refill for her birth control we pulled up her profile and realized we couldn't refill it because she just got a 28-day fill less than two weeks ago when we asked what happened to the other one she said she was out apparently both her and her boyfriend were each taking a pill each and was adamant that was how they needed to prevent pregnancy coma apparently he has been using his mom's insulin needles to draw blood out of his arm and inject it into his own dong his dong was terribly infected and he was hospitalized for a week or so frick that is just gruesome 80 plus yo patient who was declining with multiple diagnoses and about three decubitus ulcers daughter was adamant that her father be kept on his strict palliative because i would supercharge his healing she had a stack of dark books he simply wasn't getting enough nutrition to heal the ulcers he didn't like the diet at all btw at some point you kind of have to stop being polite and just tell patients family members bluntly that you don't have time for this crap and what you recommend and they can do what they want and just document everything it happens a lot but she sticks out not my story rather my colleagues a patient was admitted for anemia and a localized cancer was found she was referred to surgery so she can get cured from her localized cancer and she started telling everyone that it was the doctors who caused the cancer in that she was doing just fine before coming to the hospital she lectured the surgeon and my colleague who pleaded her to get her surgery so that the cancer doesn't advance and yet she refused saying she knew better and probably didn't even have cancer some people this kind of reminds me of my brother he told me that when he was younger five or six years old he thought that when a doctor diagnosed you with a disease it means that they actually gave you that disease the only difference is he quickly realized this wasn't the case and didn't become a freaking idiot like this lady not a doctor i'm an optician and at this point i was a young lady in my mid-20s i had a guy comment saying he was a doctor and he wrote himself an rx filled glasses and he brought frames a few days later his lenses come back he puts on his glasses and he can't see i start going through the possibilities usually with progressive lenses it's an adjustment issue and they need to sit differently on his face he completely refuses to let me adjust them so i check the lenses and the rx match what he wrote i try to explain that there's only two options either they need to sit differently on his face or the rx isn't good he tells me you don't understand i've had eye surgery for a disease that you've never even heard of i offer to remake his lenses to prove a point his new lenses come in a few days later an older co-worker is helping him i told her everything again he can't see she tells him the young girl who tried to help you last time was trying to explain that if we adjust your glasses you might be able to see out of them will you please let me try he led her and suddenly he can see granted not perfectly because he wrote his own rx and the bottom sentence will explain more turns out fuckwood was a long doctor and not even an eye doctor one picture a middle-aged man his index finger is 5x the size of the rest of his fingers it smells it's leaking pus there's necrotic tissue basically one huge infected cancerous finger he was a firm believer in not taking any sort of medication including antibiotics or chemo died a few weeks later but he did manage to tell us we were all idiots before he passed away two patient was a young child who came in with an extremely high blood glucose level once she was stable we did some teaching and kept her for a few days for observation for some reason every time i checked her her levels would be extremely high although we were appropriately treating her turns out her family would bring her fast food for every meal and hide it in the side table more teaching and resources were put into place three had a mom in hysterics because she was convinced that her neighbors friends stepsons titches dog has mrsa so her baby was going to die it took everything within me to not tell her that most of the hospital staff have mrsa but it took three hours for me to finally calm her down after i called infectious control her pediatrician gynecologist and family doctor yes i had to call all these people yes they laughed at me yes she was beside me the whole time questioning their judgment i love my job but at times it makes me crazy just had some amazing people informed me with several scholarly documents that mrsa isn't as prevalent as once thought it's only about five percent in hospital staff thank you wonderful people lol when i read his index finger is 5x the size of the rest of his fingers i legit thought it was five times longer than the rest of his fingers i was like i wonder what disease causes that derp whoa i guess stupidity is relatable nurse here the number of american 20-something males who don't know what circumcision is is ridiculously high but they think that boys are born circumcised evidence new fathers and mothers asking me what's wrong with their newborn sons dong um he still has his foreskin many parents choose to have it removed when the baby is a couple days old it's called circumcision often followed by a parent's question what circumcision that's when i face palm dead serious we talked about circumcision in my grade 6 health class but saw any pictures i am and had absolutely no idea until i was in high school i knew what it was but had nothing to compare it to this was pre google not a doctor but a gastro nurse we had a recurring patient who was just a really very strange lady she had a stoma that absolutely stunk to high heavens because the last 20 years she has not been cleaning it properly every single day her stoma would come off because she was twisting the drain tube and wouldn't allow us to change it so this lady was really rude and would shout at us too and one night shift i couldn't take it anymore and i snapped at her i didn't yell but i was overly stern about the fact that if she did not let me clean and treat her stoma than the mrsa that she wasn't able to get rid of because she refused her biscuit washes would eat her alive in hindsight i didn't handle that very well but she let me change the stoma so this entire ordeal she's yelling at me that her stoma bags are not cut to fit her stoma that they are too small because her stoma is 50 cm by 50 cm to which i corrected her saying that's impossible she was adam and that's how big her stoma was it was a 30 millimeter diameter when i was cleaning the stoma she yelled at me because it was hurting so she wanted to just pop the new one on i explained it was hurting because of infection as she never cleans it she proceeds to tell me that she knows better because she has had the stoma for nearly as long as i've been alive i eventually ended up telling her to shut up and let me do my job which seemed to work and the stoma did not come off again that shift when she was eventually discharged she refused every placement to the point where we almost considered a court order to evict her one of our f1s nearly cried with relief my aunt who has varicose veins pretty obvious to anyone who sees it once asked me why her legs hurt and what those bluish lines under her skin were i almost went on to explain to her about dilated veins when she interrupts and decides for herself that those are her nerves dying nerves and the blue stuff was blood clots inside the nerves i'm a med student i was doing a respiratory system examination on this guy who frequently about once a month gets admitted in the general ward with complaints of breathlessness he's had copd for a couple of years quite bad and he tells me that he isn't going to quit smoking because god told him not to when asked why he tells me that the people who are relying on him for their daily livelihood won't survive if he stopped i went on to ask him if he meant the people at the cigarette factory or the health industry he didn't get the sarcasm though patient comes to the surgery clinic with complaints of mass per rectum now i wasn't there the first time he came but the surgeon wanted to do a couple of investigations and advised him to get admitted the guy decided he doesn't want to couple of months later he comes back to the clinic apparently he went to one of these alternative medicine places or whatever and they had tied this metal wire not exactly sure why around the mass by then this mass has eroded through it and was bleeding and had gotten much bigger turned out to be a cancerous growth i was a unit secretary and nurse aide on a radiation oncology unit in the early 2000s we had a patient show up through the year and was admitted for emergency radiation treatment she had a massive fungating mass in her mouth that had consumed half the head when the radon dock tried to examine her and open her mouth her remaining teeth fell out into his hand it had eaten through the bones of her face invaded her eye socket everything doc said it was the worst case of mouth cancer he'd seen according to her husband she had a small lesion on her hard palate and upon receiving the diagnosis of an early stage squamous cell carcinoma she decided to treat with essential oils and things like frankincense because chemo was poison her husband said he had tried to reason with her but she was adamant about the natural treatment she died in agony shortly after you know i usually adamantly refuse to allow my happiness to be disrupted by stuff on the internet but it's stuff like this that makes me feel justified in allowing myself to be triggered when i see someone i know on facebook posting horrible misinformation from somewhere like natural news not a doctor but i'm a medical technologist there are plenty of i am very smart moments but this one was recent did a finger stick for a patient ensured the little cut stopped bleeding and then put a band-aid on it told her to collect a urine sample for testing test came back strongly positive 4 plus reading for blood she complained to the doctor that there is no way she has blood in her urine and that the blood from her finger stick must have entered the urine throwing off her redding she said it was my fault that i did her blood test before her urine test and i obviously made a mistake she repeated the test later in the afternoon still at four plus came back a week later still at four plus the look on her face when i told her sorry mom your result is still positive was priceless okay but for real please stop sneaking blood into people's urine for your sick big pharma money grabs not a doctor but a patient whose mother was like this the doctor had to speak to me on the side because of it my grandmother has crohn's disease very very badly it skipped my mother and her brother when i was 15 over the course of six months i went from being five feet nine and 190 pounds to being 110 i was a skeleton extremely anemic and coughing up blood my mother was convinced it was something else i forced her to bring me to a doctor and she spouted off all these possibilities she then talked about what yahood not even googled yahoo about genetics and such and crons can't skip generations well the doc said just in case we're gonna run some tests long story short i have crohn's in my throat and small intestine so does my cousin it just skipped a generation to think your mother didn't even google that's where she went wrong my dad is an emergency nurse he experiences the same thing doctors in the ado maybe more so because he is the one in the rooms more often anyway here's a good story from him i had a patient coming with several pages he printed off the internet he kind of slammed them down and said this is what i have he had bloating nausea vomiting diarrhoea bloody stool and fever among other things he insisted he had schistosomiasis he was being a real jerk about it like we're wasting time since he already knew what he had so i asked when did he get back from africa and he said africa i've never been to africa what the heck would i be doing in africa i proceeded to tell him that schistosomiasis is a parasitic disease one gets while swimming in the nile river or other rivers in developing countries like in southeast asia he got p offered me because he thought i was being a smart butt he got seen and diagnosed with gastroenteritis the stomach flu the bloody stool he had hemorrhoids not a doctor we had a patient come into our hospital with anorexia requiring treatment which as usual she didn't want however she appeared to be eating her prescribed meals after a few days it becomes clear she's not putting on any weight but the room is clean and she's supervised for her bathroom visits so we know she's not flushing it away turns out her family are going though some tough times and her dad's down on his luck and out of money so when he's coming to visit his anorexic daughter in hospital every day he is eating the food prescribed to her because he can't afford to feed himself mealtime is unsupervised if there's a family member there dad was blocked from visiting when the daughter fessed up that's all around sad not an md i'm an rn that works with oncology cancer patients some of which are on clinical trials i got a patient and before starting his chemotherapy reviewed some of his lab work with him i told him his glucose level was 73 normal range is usually between 70 100 he got really upset at this point and asked him what's wrong your labs are within range and he said i need it to be zero i said what why would you want your glucose to be zero he said he's trying to meet requirements for a new clinical trial that requires his glucose to be zero i told him i don't know what clinical trial you're trying to get into but if your blood glucose with zero you'll be dead or dying he was not convinced because i'm just a nurse so i sent a message to his md asking them to educate their patients better i had a 350 pounds patient late 30s brought in by his sweet old mother because she was concerned about his recent sweats and shakes tell me about his high iq of over 140 i just nodded and ordered a blood panel when i got back in the room with the results he was trying to tell me how he knows more than me about everything to do with medicine i told him i was diagnosing him with new onset diabetes he couldn't tell me anything about the pathophysiology of diabetes then i asked him which iq test he took and how old he was when he took it he said it was an online test a few years ago like on facebook he didn't know what a stanford bin it test was anytime someone refuses to vaccinate their kids here's just a small sample of some of the reasons i've been given one causes autism two made from aborted babies three big pharmacy scam for unnatural five my kid cried when you gave him his vaccines last time six i never got these diseases as a kid so my kid doesn't need the vaccine seriously freak you people i feel sorry for your kids also don't forget i've done my research followed by a strong smell of smoke that eminents from them because cigarette smoke isn't dangerous to kids i've seen that more times than i'd like to admit what's the dumbest reply to a serious question you've heard i was a nanny when i was in college for this very bizarre family who always pretended like i wasn't there i was walking down the street with the mother and her two kids it was february and the sun glare was really bad so naturally i was wearing sunglasses one of the kids about four asked his mother why i was wearing sunglasses in winter and the mother responds well some people are not that smart and they just want to look cool please note both parents were professors at an ivy league college i actually remember my mom making a similar snarky comment we were in the car sunny cold winter day saw a couple with sunglasses and she said sth along the lines of i don't get it people wearing sunglasses in winter i looked up and said sunglasses protect against the sun not the heat her face went then like hum that makes sense my friend was a second-year med student and she was walking through the main floor of our hospital in scrubs stopped by a passer by asking for directions she was asked hey where's the pet city she said um i think there's one in the nearby mall the man looked at her confused and was like the pet ct is in the mall she replies yeah like the second floor i think it's not called pet city though it called pet world i think do do you think i am looking for a pet store two years of medical education and common sense returned to her in that moment and said oh my god no you mean the scam it's down that hall on the right i'm so sorry he shook his head walking away and we heard him say i wish i was looking for a freaking pet store i was in college and went to the calculus study hall to see if i could learn something one of the problems was something like a man throws a bull on the moon at a speed of xxx mph at an angle of yy degrees how long before the ball comes down the response from that aphd candidate in math that's a stupid question everyone knows there's no gravity on the moon i never went back me writing a construction bid is the standard flooring for these units going to be tile or vinyl the client yellow love it when you give two answers as options and a third unhelpful one pops up instead in my high school physics class the teacher asked what was the unit for time this girl screamed kilograms after that you could see the teacher lost hope on all of us you measure time in kilograms though back in india my company had hired a motivational speaker to give a speech at an event there were 300 odd people with senior people at hr also in audience everyone was bored but the lady instructor kept on going on how to build self-confidence sensing that people are not interested she started getting audience involved i being a backbencher as always did not care about it at all i thought she would stay in front i was feeling sleepy and not paying any attention to it after some time i saw her coming to the back she suddenly stopped next to me and asked me are you motivated i was not sure what was going on i answered no i am dave half of the crowd started laughing she was taken aback by my answer and did not know how to respond to this she did not come to the back to ask questions after that when accused of nepotism after giving his son an important role as a politician brazil's president said he has to be someone's son why can't it be mine truly an argument you can't fight back i mean what is nepotism rear ally it was actually me who said the dumb reply this was when i was younger just by the way texted to me by a friend can i take a range check a few minutes later i text back nope no rain i had literally checked the weather for the day i was a socially awkward idiot so yeah that's hilarious and i can't wait to say it to the next person who asks me for a rain check in physics there's something called the right hand rule which helps you find the direction of force given the direction of the magnetic and electric fields it's a little hard to explain how exactly but you literally use your right hand as a model my professor asked me in front of the class what the first thing you needed to identify in order to use the rule was i panicked and answered your right hand i mean you weren't technically wrong in law school we had a free clinic for qualifying and lower income people to come in we couldn't technically advise them because we weren't barred yet but we could guide and try to help them through some complex issues they might not have a handle on one guy came in and wasn't even my case but being done by classmate next to me during a session the man dead faced and scared would filing for bankruptcy ruin my life girl flustered how to answer um well it looks like your life is already pretty bad this thread is supposed to be for stupid answers that one's golden we were discussing about antarctica and some guy casually said stone cold face you don't actually believe antarctica is a real place right edit some ppl think it was a joke i assure you it wasn't that sounds like something a flat earther would say those that believe that antarctica is actually a wall of ice surrounding everything full disclosure i was the idiot in this conversation but in my early twenties i was at a friend's small gathering i was chatting with my friend and some dude i had never met before asked where he grew up and he said dc to which i replied oh i didn't realize people actually lived there i kind of knew it was stupid as it was coming out of my mouth but i also kind of thought that was a district like a financial district and people went there for work but lived just outside of it worst part was that even though i was fresh out of college i was working in a local political office and these were folks from state legislative offices so i should have know better but they laughed at me for a while at work a customer asked one of our chefs where the fish comes from he pointed to the kitchen and said it just comes through that door i don't know sounds like a genius answer to me i got a former friend a job at my workplace she was seriously stressing talking about how if she doesn't find a job her ex might win the custody case and take the kids and she wasn't finding anything so i talked to my boss and got her position doing what i do one week later she was supposed to go on her first call she overslept by four hours and ended up missing the job i called her as i was leaving to do the job she missed i asked so are you going to talk to our boss and see if he'll give you another chance but she straight up went i don't think so oh well wasn't meant to be girl what side note i work in the funeral business the job was taking a body down to get an autopsy the place where this particular person was getting one was over two hours away we're supposed to be there at a certain time otherwise we spend all day there i was on a job and we needed to have a structural engineer to come in and look at one of the floors to make sure it was stable enough so we asked the owner's daughter who was supposedly a business major who was gonna take over her dad's company if she had a contact number for the structural engineer her dad normally dealt with when having his buildings renovated she looks at the three of us me my assistant superintendent and project manager and goes oh yeah but he's busy working on my car at the moment all three of us what her yeah he's working on my engine in my car why do you guys need him engineers work on engines not buildings wtf this is pretty much busters i think the blue stuff is land from the pilot episode of arrested development traveling in car down the street looking for a particular shop queue so which shop is it a the one by the tree road is lined with trees but it's not just any ordinary tree it's the tree in school of physics teacher had asked one of my fellow students who was holding a presentation on nuclear energy what is the hadron collider in switzerland used for the response was so outrageously stupid i was dumbfounded and cannot believe this happened to this day she also wasn't joking nobody jokes with this teacher because no one had ever seen him laugh and he was a douche to create a second son dr mum are you vaccinating your son about one year according to the chart i gave you mom better than that i am breastfeeding him this was in india last year didn't know this was happening in india too in a high school world history class teacher all right everyone we will be covering the reformation period who knows why martin luther was significant student blurting out without raising hand martin luther isn't that the guy who freed all the slaves this one holds a special place for me because it is multiple layers of wrong i can just see the jumble of loose facts in the kid's head just bumbling around to form a sentence at the start of 2020 a volcano erupted in batangas a province in the philippines affected my hometown which freaking sucked what does our president suggest doing against the eruption give supplies help in the evacuation of the people stuck there provide relief and support number you want to know the answer his words not mine i will urinate on the volcano good job president i was in tag 8a about a month after the eruption you'd be in a car looking out the window and see piles of dirt but then you realize that's all just ash that was swept up it was actually pretty great being there then as a tourist because all the other tourists had cancelled no so much a question but my partner's dad is a doctor and also is from india originally though he's lived in the uk since the 80s a patient asked if he was worried about brexit and he said no he's from india it won't really affect him any more than it did before since india is in asia in absolute seriousness the patient replies no india must be in europe asia is where china and japan are hum your partner's dad's answer is a little strange too if he lives in the uk it'll affect him even if he's not from there originally hope this story fits here i helped a friend bob get hired working in the back room of a retail store i was good friends with the manager tim and i would periodically check in to see how bob was doing i was a manager as well at the time at a different location tim was very pleased with bob's work ethic and productivity i talked to bob and he said he was enjoying the job after about five or six months i got a call from tim asking if i've talked to bob recently i replied no and asked if everything is okay tim informed me that bob has been a no-call no show for about a week and he was worried about him i immediately called bob to see what was going on bob informs me that he decided to quit the job enough to dismay in confusion i shout what why i vouched for you why would you do that without at least giving me a heads up he replied man every time someone new gets hired they put them with me to train them and that's not my job technically he was right it wasn't his job to train new hires but what bob didn't know his managers did things like this to groom the associate into becoming a supervisor gradually giving them more responsibilities over time they did the same thing with me when i was coming up the ranks he wouldn't have known this if he had called me before he decided to quit once i explained i could hear the wires connecting in his brain he apologized and asked if he could get his job back i told him probably not since he left the way he did just because it's not your job now doesn't mean it won't be your job in the future dang out of all the replies here i think this is the one that actually affected the dude's life like doing or saying a stupid thing in front of people is one thing but this person probably denied himself a better position or pay who knows how things could have gone for him if he hadn't done that i saw the video of a guy asking people what's the hardest thing you've had to say in your life most people replied with sad things telling their kids that their dog passed had to divorce relative past etc but one guy comes in and says the time he had to say worcestershire sauce sure it was funny cause he kept on saying it wrong since it was the hardest thing for him to say but it was such a dumb answer but still super funny i used to work a video rental store that has since closed down first week i work there a person asked in store mind you if we rented out movies i didn't know what to do other than just with a stone faced and said yes of course we do i wasn't sure if they were serious or not working in a video rental store would be great if it wasn't for the customers randall asked my ex-boss alcoholist pose if he knew how to do x thing on the system and could show me he replied with yes and went home just a yes and left stack overflow iral a middle school music teacher asked the class why it's called a quarter note one kid quite seriously replied because they're worth 25 cents each what an idiot everyone knows a quarter tone is actually 50 cents when i was a senior in high school i was in national honor society and i used to be the lab assistant for chemistry a and help grade tests we were going over elements and compounds and the directions asked the student to clarify if the subject was an element or a compound the teacher threw in pizza as a gimme question and this guy literally wrote element as his answer even worse he was irate when we marked it incorrect he was the only one in all three classes to get that question wrong to be fair i would argue that classifying pizza as an element or compound misrepresents the subject at school i once asked a group isn't it weird how we always eat chicken eggs but you never see turkey eggs why is that a girl looked at me like i was a complete [ __ ] and replied in a very condescending tone uh turkeys are male chickens so the reason is that chickens lay an absurd number of eggs and are basically mass produced and super cheap turkeys lay way fewer eggs a larger percentage of which have to go on to become more turkeys so stores don't stock them by the hundreds or dozens back in the day when fax machines were the pinnacle of office technology i had a co-worker who was standing next to the facts looking distressed i asked them what the problem was they responded that they couldn't make a copy of the document because the copier was broken i said why do you need to make a copy they replied if this is facts then i won't have a copy it will get transferred through the facts they actually thought the fax machine was like a transporter in star trek when i was like five i wrote a letter to my grandmother and my dad faxed it to her i was inconsolable and betrayed because he essayed that he sent her the letter but it was still right there in his hand no amount of explaining how fax's work would get me out of daddy you lied mode teacher in high school asked the class if anyone knew how many feet they were in a mile very seriously a student answered nobody knows that it's impossible everyone has different size feet i remember when they were trying to teach us the us system in fourth grade i only knew the metric system because i live in another country i decided to be a smart cookie so i measured my foot in inches to solve the problem i got it wrong and the teacher had to explain that feet doesn't literally mean your own foot at hour nine grade scenes suffer nine grade is the last year before graduation from school industrial denmark idk how it is in the states however our last science exam went like this my friend and i were teammates and we had i.t going pretty good so my teacher asked how wind was created and my friend replied the trees muscles make them swing from side to side pushing air around us creating wind myself i was crossing the us canadian border with friends coming back from a weekend trip to drink us guard asks where we're coming from myself being the driver i respond canada there were some chuckles and rubbing i meant and it's an appropriate answer astronomer here maybe not quite what op had in mind but it is depressing how many people will ask me a serious question about say black holes head the explanation and then dismiss it with a yeah but i don't believe in relativity or whatever theory they dislike like okay i guess you can believe in whatever you want but the universe isn't going to conform to that in how it works and it goes without saying that these people have very rarely taken an actual physics class and understand what they're dismissing they've just read some articles online and think they're now experts gravity is a conspiracy to prevent us from walking on the ceiling so that they can sell us more floor i guess this probably doesn't count as it's more of a dumb question at work one day i was given a gift from a co-worker it was a bracelet with silver beads the bead signified the dots and dashes for morse code in morse code the bracelet design spelled out frick you another girl that we worked with asked me with a straight face morse code is the same thing as sign language right left double quotation mark another co-worker who wasn't exactly bright chimed in and said yes that's the exact same thing with the hand signals i had to leave the room one time my friends and i were hanging out in his apartment all of a sudden i hear a woosh and look over at my friend and his hair is on fire we get it out quickly and i asked him what the heck just happened he told me i was trying to listen to the sound the lighter made when i flipped it i'm gonna guess you guys were smoking cause i could definitely see my dumb butt having had done this back in the day works in it during a meeting at work project manager okay so how should we name this tension silence random guy in the back susan honestly you could have just answered with works in it you probably see an applicable answer multiple times a day i worked at a place that served coffee and ice cream i asked a customer what she wanted to order and she replied with are your milkshakes cold from a beauty pageant sadly i haven't been able to find it q what are your opinions on affirmative action hey well i believe we should be affirmative in all our actions that's a question that's unfair to ask of smart people in social studies class a few weeks ago we were talking about the holocaust and world war ii teacher asks what was hitler after we had just talked about different kinds of rulers dictators presidents etc and was looking for the answer a dictator the girl raised her hand and says i dead last night in the textbook that he was a bit anti-semitic whole class goes silent a bit just a smidge it was biology and the teacher called this guy i'll call him tim to the board to answer a couple questions for a grade i'll skip to the point she asked him how did a horse adapt to his living conditions he answered with long nose strong legs wings and claws don't know if he was thinking about a griffin or a pegasus but it was very funny i'll call him tim proceeds to not use names well it was me who answered but tell me now how are we going to transport an entire freaking tv that is way bigger than we too combined downstairs without kyling ourselves said my brother back when he was 17 and i was 12 but to this day i have no idea why did our parents trust to sen or to move the tv through stairs but then my 12 year old self answered in a completely serious voice fast enably i almost got pushed down the stairs for that that is the appropriate answer it was me who was the dummy my boss veterinarian took our office out for lunch told me at trailer park college student working as a vet tech to pay for college that i could order anything i wanted even the philippe mignon i responded no thank you i don't like fish years ago i was an internet an insurance agency one of their most successful agents passed away but his wife 50s glamorous looking lady was helped through testing so that one of the other agents could work on her husband's portfolio but she was licensed so one night at a company dinner party i was serving drinks i heard someone ask her so what is your opinion on mutual funds she paused for a moment looked at him funny and said everyone should enjoy mutual fun i used to work as a manager and coach was hiring for a seasonal sales position and this girl comes in for an interview looking pretty well dressed and eloquent halfway into the interview i asked her what her hobbies are and what she like to do with her time off turned out she was a vegan who mentors new vegans i asked her if she would be comfortable handling leather products her of course as long as it doesn't come from animals i'm totally fine me but most leather come from cows her but it's vegan right apparently she never knew that you could dye leather all colors she thought cow leather equals white and black she was carrying a coach bag college redditers what's the stupidest comment a classmate has ever made during a lecture and pee off the professor our cows counted in part of the population a girl in my history class asked this last year completely serious our teacher looked like he was in pain after hearing it i can just imagine the chart listing the distribution of different sections of the population and towering above the rest a white column with black splotches why didn't the egyptians just go to africa and get some slaves to build the pyramids instead of making their own people do it wow that's like three levels of hilarious is mars red because all of the animals there died girl in my introductory astronomy class a few years back it didn't actually pee off the professor but he was one of those really enthusiastic types who was on a roll with his lecture at the time and this question made him stop dead for a few seconds while he tried to collect his thoughts for an answer how do dogs in other countries function when their owners say things like pilate instead of ball like how do they know what a ball is when the owner talks spanish suru weird what the frick in the u.s history class we were going over the minuteman militias when a hypothetical question was asked if china invades tomorrow with the same percentage of people sign up for an organized militia with full confidence one guy raised his hand and said i'm pretty sure the us has laws against invasion so they wouldn't be allowed to i got an eraser thrown at me by trying to answer a questioning computer programming class that i had no business being in i signed up for basic programming thinking it would be an intro thing to computers not realizing that basic was a programming language god that sounds hilarious they should probably put a disclaimer in the syllabus we were talking about phases of the moon and our professor said something about the new moon and the full moon one bright student asked and i quote we have two moons the look of they can't be that stupid and the ensuing conversation was awesome made my semester oh we have way more than two we get a new one every month or so i just don't think the cloud is safe what if the weather is bad and you can't access your data also of special note is the hipster who started bringing a typewriter to class to take notes professor here i've had students try to pull those sort of look at me stunts in the past my response is pretty much always hey jackass put that crap away being called a jackass by a 50 year old economist is not a way to build street cred one time i wrote that i did something posthumously in a paper for my philosophy class now i know what posthumously means i was in an intro to music course we always had a prototype that would fall asleep during class and the professor would always call on him to answer questions my favorite was where was mozart born to which the bro woke up and replied michigan i am willing to bet there is at least one person in detroit with the name mozart probably drops mad beats too in biology discussing plant genetics mr chamberlain could i turn into a tornado maybe more of a head scratch than getting pee but i could see the look of disgust confusion and annoyance written on his face wtf first you stick your arms out then you start spinning really fast and then you eat a bunch of sharks i'm in culinary school and on our egg making day the chef was going through a power point on egg cookery at the end of the presentation he ached if we had any questions one kid raised his hand and asked the immortal question chef what does bu turd mean silence just stairs that could cook the eggs we were using in class he meant buttered needless to say we never let it go typical hippie chick on the first day is this class going to cover non-western contributions to history the class was history of western civilization i can almost hear the audible sigh the professor had to give after they heard her ask that a guy sitting next to me once asked the political science professor if king john was really threatening to nuke america everyone was confused and so the guy repeated king john a few times but said it more slowly as if we were all idiots and then finally said you know the king of north korea he thought kim jong-un was king john he thought he was a king named john junior took over when king john died king john died because king john ill we had a course at the bank i used to work where a colleague of mine always asked stupid question throughout the class we were learning to become lenders the best one was at the end of the four-week class before the last exam he raised his hand one last time and asked what a down payment was for a mortgage the professor made us leave the class to she could talk to him alone as we were all laughing he didn't show up the next day hello and welcome to explanations for the 2008 crash once had a fellow classmate come into a biochemistry lecture quite drunk from a couple of pints at lunch the lecture was on the reactive oxygen species or roster abrev so within the first five minutes of the lecture the speaker says ross like 10 times and this squiffy student stand ups and yells i keep hearing you talk about ross but what about rachel whole class lost it lecturer did not also someone else asked if touching to open wounds together would result in both people having aids when neither have it i was in a pretty high level aerodynamics course this particular class our professor was going over some fourier series stuff deriving principles for us the kind of crap that we would really never understand but have to learn about anyway so the whole class period is spent doing these long boring derivations right at the end one kid raises his hand the following conversation occurs kid up can you go over that part again professor what part specifically kid the whole thing professor number during a lecture on the history of the civil rights movement and segregation in south carolina a student asked something to the effect of why do we have to listen to this liberal nonsense the kids seem to believe that racial segregation never happened in the south and that democrats made the whole thing up the professor was on the staff of the governor that pushed for integration and the guest speaker was a civil rights leader who had been beaten and arrested during the sit-ins so essentially this person was a segregation denier like how we have holocaust deniers or moon landing demands and just like that i cannot fathom how someone can even begin to think any of that was made up but what the actual frick people the worst i've ever heard was we should round up all of the illegal immigrants ship them to the middle east and when they kill five terrorists they can have a green card kid was completely serious and pretty happy that he had solved two world problems pretty much any statement starting with we should round up and referring to humans is going to end badly professor today just do all the even numbers student just to clarify those are two four six and eight right the professor left a helpful student said yes those are the even numbers what an odd story i had one of those let's push boundaries advanced writing professors in college that everyone had to eventually take to graduate i thought he was cool he was unconventional a little out there and definitely exposed me to things and arguments my young mind wouldn't have sought out on my own anyway one day he wanted us to calmly sit and ponder out a question and he liked to do a small chime to relax us he did this three times and this one girl in class just flipped out saying she didn't believe in some asian religious bs he wasn't even asian and said she'd call her dad to yell at him the professor just walked to the door and opened it he said he didn't have room in his class for close-minded airheads who can't even tolerate things outside their comfort zone this is the most college moment in this thread all sex is rape posited by a middle-aged lady in our criminal law class in law school law school professor quietly had a stroke then said that you cannot have a legal regime where everyone is a criminal he then shook his head in a disappointed fashion cutting off all further discussion on that theory black people should have their own league of sports because they are genetically faster stronger because only the fast strong slaves survived sociology 101 the black professor actually stepped outside for a minute before returning and calmly telling her why she was completely wrong i was once in a sociology 101 class where the teacher was trying to explain that babies are born with the ability to learn a language not the ability to automatically speak one a girl raised her hand and said once they did a study where they put a baby in a room and it died the prof was speechless biology teacher asked about the communication techniques of ants he wanted to know how we thought they communicated the location of a sugar cube to the hive and recruited and to help carry it student raises his hand and says he just goes back to the ant hill and says hey it's over here and they go get it teacher response says how student with words teacher what language do they speak student english teacher so the ant speaks english what does an ant in mexico speak then student 100 serious english it's the language of business in spanish class we were learning the difference between canosa to be familiar with and sabre to know as a fact the professor used the example of the city of boston you would canosa the city of boston you would be familiar with it you couldn't saber the city of boston because you would have to know every injury of the city to know it as a fact but that can't be done matt then said aloud in his perfect boston accent dead serious albert einstein could he's wicked smart earlier this week our class was forming teams for a programming module as we would be having scrum meetings many of us were coming up with witty puns scrum 41 scrum of the earth etc all very funny until the prof asks teams for names to put in his spreadsheet and one guy sticks his hand up and proudly proclaims we are the scrum dumpsters we laughed the lecturer did not but that's awesome water bum professor psychology professor lecturing about how placebo pills work girl um yeah is that like in space jam where michael jordan gives them the sugar water and they like feel better professor so yeah i guess it's kind of like that i've always laughed at this but to her credit it's a perfect example like you said it's not dumb as it's a perfect example yeah i can share my story from tuesday so there's this really awful kid in my environmental economics class who insists on challenging the professor to seem smart and insightful but really he is a pompous but who needs to get fricked in a ho our professor decides we should write our own midterm to demonstrate our understanding of the material and what's important and what we should take away from it good idea harmless enough right nope in comes the dick bag trying to make a joke and says ha i wonder what my dad would say if i told him we were paying you to have us do your job you could have heard a mouse fart after that bombshell he's also a redditor so i hope he sees this it wasn't in college but in middle school we had this really not very bright girl in our class i forgot which class it was but in the book it was talking about some famous dutch painter i think and she blurts out mrs schultz where exactly is duck needless to say mrs schultz was confused as was everyone in the room we couldn't figure out what she meant but she couldn't make it any clearer than that she could only respond to our confusion by repeating herself with this confused look on her face finally she goes whereas duck like where on the map and it suddenly struck me what she meant i couldn't help myself i just burst out laughing my butt off i mean i sincerely tried not to laugh but it just came out like i was involuntarily vomiting laughter out of my face apparently she thought that dutch people come from a country called dark her justification was well there's a country called turkey so why can't there be one called duck i got in trouble for laughing at her i was taking a marketing class with about 250 people and there was this girl that always had to give her two cents she would give life stories when asked how is this approach to customers more effective anyways my professor asked if anyone knew what company a did to become so successful of course she raises her hand she gets called upon and pauses for a little bit then simply states i don't know everyone including the professor is just like wtf haha it was a very curious moment we were discussing shakespeare's othello and the difference is similarities between eogo and othello one chick says i think iago thinks that othello slept with his woman because in the beginning there's some line about othello stealing yogo's night cap the professor just lost it telling the girl that she didn't know how to read shakespeare and othello wouldn't have etc etc she tried to say that othello didn't wouldn't but the play was about deceptions and unfounded gossip the professor wouldn't even listen he was red in the face mad always felt bad for the girl she never spoke up again and it seemed like a dumb thing to just go off on a person for that professor sounded like a stuck-up butthole if it's a class discussing shakespeare i'd imagine the whole point was to learn and understand shakespeare why take a class if you already know the subject material about five years ago when i was in college i was taking a philosophy class one of the [ __ ] football players didn't understand the material stands up yells frick this class i ain't need an i.t and walks out the professor blew a freaking gasket this was pretty out of character for a professor i saw that weekend at the movies stoned out of his freaking mind i ain't come here to play school in my calculus 2 class there was a guy constantly asking stupid questions one day the professor was writing a simple formula on the board and this guy asks what is that dot between the x and y for the professor replied i feel like telling jon and fred over there to grab you and beat your head against the wall maybe they could beat some sense into you this guy ended up with the highest grade in the class at the end of the semester troll level idiot savant in micro econ we were talking about supply and demand the scenario was that there was a frost in florida so the supply of orange juice went down a weird guy who was always on his computer not paying attention in the back of a 300-person lecture hall said what if someone likes frosty oranges everyone just turned their head in confusion that the professor couldn't understand him so he had to repeat it three times causing even more secondhand embarrassment in a sociology class my freshman year and the prof is explaining how societies create the standard of homosexuality and how it is arbitrary that is one culture thinks kissing men is homosexual while another could view it simply as a greeting this one kid could not wrap his head around the fact that kissing another man on the cheek was not gay 15-minute argument ensues and this kid is obviously going nowhere quick so finally the prof breaks down and screams prof is it gay to give a hand job student heck yeah are you freaking stupid prof do you masturbate silence student well frick yeah prof so then you're gay because you give handies the student becomes so dumbfounded by this petty logic that he just remained silent doesn't say crap for at least two more weeks i think this kid literally began to question if he was homosexual well then watching p means i had sex let me paint the picture anthropology class freshman year of college felt very much like community and i loved it there were some freaking characters in this class let me tell you one girl we called her melanoma had an insane orange skin and would try to tell us about how tanning booths made you stronger science there was the whisperer who would speak like she had finally convinced a cranky baby to fall asleep and if she woke him up her day would be ruined snakeskin wore knee-high cowboy boots and collected swords and talked about the swords more often than anyone was comfortable with but my favorite classmate was called leaded spoons leaded spoons was your typical white guy with dreads at college we didn't know at the time but he had failed several semesters this this was his third or fourth junior year that didn't bother him he was just live ein this was a kind of preppy southern school so he definitely stuck out as an oddball but everyone liked him and he had lots of entertaining stories about taking lsd to share with the class so we were happy to have him among our group of budding anthropologists one day we were discussing a case study where all of the children in a town were found to have lead poisoning we had to use our anthropological reasoning skills i.e we had to guess to deduce how they were poisoned we talked a lot about water quality the local school grounds jungle gyms in the park it was actually a surprisingly intelligent conversation for a bunch of freaking idiots i include myself in that bunch you could see leaded spoons had some gears turned he was twisting his dreads his brow furrowed quickly scribbling notes suddenly his hand shot up the teacher surprised he would really have anything to add to the discussion called on him he stood up next to his desk right at the front of the lecture halls and said they were eating off of leaded spoons he had charts and graphs explaining his conspiracy theory and this baby went all the way to the top right up to the president of the goddamn united states of america after he was finished the teacher said i yeah i guess that's also possible anyone else have an idea i heard a rumor that when he finally graduated he cut off one of his dreads and gave it to a girl he liked but that is unconfirmed that was a brilliant story that class could have been a movie you had the low talker joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat agent orange the lead singer of corn and medieval cowboy you can't make this stuff up rape doesn't happen in the us because we are wealthy if it does happen to because girls are dumb enough to walk down a dark alley wearing skimpy clothing a class of 4 guys and 20 girls i'm surprised he made it out of the class alive he made it out alive because he wasn't wearing skimpy clothing done in a discrete mathematics course the professor was going over propositional logic he was using an example along of the lines of it is raining and it is not raining to show a statement that is always false one student raised their hand and asked but what if it is both raining and not raining at the same time the professor gave him the iu [ __ ] look then just said that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard that happens sometimes in some places like florida it can rain 10 feet away and nowhere else in a world civilizations class we had times during the class that we would discuss current world events the topic of the iraq war came up and people were having a decent discussion of the topic out of the blue one girl raises her hand and says all of those people are crazy and there's really no sense in trying to help them i think that we should just nuke the whole place she was referring the middle east in general the whole world would be better off this obviously took everyone off guard our professor quickly responded with something like well that's an unreasonable response to the situation obviously we can't just murder hundreds of thousands of people she didn't say much after that episode and everyone pretty much thought she was bad crap crazy after that that's actually not an unpopular opinion where i live i go to culinary school and during one of my lab classes we were making a roast my group was awesome we were all gross except for one girl who obviously didn't want to be there like when we started the class the five of us got together and delegated everything out so we could get the meal done on time and done correctly well she wouldn't offer to do anything until we directly asked her at the end and even then she would choose the easiest thing that had the least work but anyways we had to make a roast and all the guys and me agree to make it medium rare because we all liked a little pink in it well she ignored us and wouldn't put in and at the end of class when we carved it to wheat blood came out over the cutting board like you would expect from a medium rare piece of meat well she freaks a frick out and says we can't eat it i say why as i put a piece in my mouth and eat it she starts freaking out even more and calls me a cannibal that's right cannibal so for the rest of the class the four of us plus our 50 year old chef professor were trying to explain to this 20-something old girl that eating meat red does not make you a cannibal she would not listen to us not important to the story but the red juice from meat isn't blood which actually would have probably been a good point to make to her wait there are buildings in africa like actual buildings i thought everyone lived in hearts my black classmate to my nigerian professor like straight up born and raised in nigeria i live in alaska and the amount of people who think i live in an igloo is astonishing wait rosa parks was a real person i know it's an outcast song proceeds to sing part of the song college english class in a very culturally diverse area of the us i don't know how one could make it at least two decades on the planet without knowing that one she had some other gems as well so suffice it to say she was just dumb to be fair it is a great outcast song in american history 1845 to 1865 we had to read a book written by our professor who is a very well-known scholar of the civil war ray race relations slavery etc anyway one day we're discussing one of the chapters and this kid keeps referring to the slaves described in the book as the dreaded n word all other students are looking at each other like holy frick is this happening right now the professor stops and point blank asks what do you think you are doing to which this numb nut says what you refer to them as that all the time in the book at which point the professor totally loses it i am a nationally renowned scholar on the topic and if you actually read the freaking book you would know that i'm referring to primary sources i can do that you cannot not to refer to a leslie carter song or to face the carter family's fine name but i was like wow up voting for reminding me that song existed graduated already [ __ ] in physics what is the speed of darkness this makes me think of a terry pratchett quote i can't remember it exactly but it's something about how light on the disquality is slow because it knows that however fast it goes darkness will always get there before it women can just leave a domestic violence situation and can fight off rapists in a criminal justice class about 3.5 seconds after the female professor gave ac passionate speech about all of her friends who have been abused i cringe hard we were talking about ebola in school with some friends and this one girl suddenly asked who is ebola we all just looked at her and could not believe it but she seemed to realize so she said oh right you mean this country in africa right she knows now there was no teacher professor involved sorry at least she knew africa was a continent firefighters have read it what's the dumbest way you've seen someone accidentally start a house fire in the city of colorad springs the local news did a fluff piece about candle safety near christmas after they were done filming the store owner that they were filming in took the crew out to breakfast she didn't put out the candles and burned several shops to the ground the film crew was there to film her breakdown when they realized what caused the fire ro that's a textbook example of irony i worked for a restoration company a family cut a small tree down and tried to stuff it up their fireplace to burn the flute was so crammed with leaves that smoke started to fill the living room they tried to pull the tree out and that's when it really caught fire they tried to pull it out of the house they got as far as the front door all of them had two nd third-degree burns on their hands arms and the fire destroyed the front room and entryway of their house the insurance company asked us if we thought it was a case of fraud and we told them no these people are just really stupid that is the stupidest thing i've read all day and i spent an hour in an ass credit thread about the stupidest demands i.t workers have gotten earlier a roomba knocked a scented candle over and set fire to the rest of the room the guy said he knew the roomba did it because he watched the whole thing happen but didn't do anything because he thought it was funny i can just imagine the roomba turning to face the guy and saying something like they'll never believe you teenager was charcoal grilling in the attached garage during the winter when done he decided the best place to dispose of the hot coals was into a cardboard box in front corner of the garage closest to the house yeah it went about as well as you can imagine ah he forgot to turn the coals off a fairly common one but the response was interesting early february western pa guys pipes freeze on the coldest day of the year minus eight f he tries to thaw them with a propane torch sets the wall on fire tries to put the fire out fails finally calls 9-1-1 fire chief is one stroke two block away is on scene in under a minute basement is fully involved main floor catching first engine arrives in under five minutes doors are blocked by fire exterior attack only i'm on an attack line spraying water into the second floor window after 40 minutes another firefighter comes to relieve me but since i'd been getting back spray i'm frozen to the ground he has to pull me loose two hours later we have it knocked down the insurance adjuster shows up assistant chief explains what started the fire adjuster replies oh yeah we know it's okay we insure for stupid nobody got hurt family gets a much nicer house out of the deal my dad was a firefighter and he once went to a house fire that was started by the old lady who lived there she liked to burn candles but didn't like the wax build up that would form in the cavity so she would soak up the liquid wax with a napkin she was doing this when she accidentally brushed a wax soaked napkin up against the flame she panicked and threw the napkin into the trash where all the other wax napkins were as the trash can exploded into flames she fled the house but not before she went to her oxygen tanks and flooded the house with pure oxygen because she thought that it would smother the fire the exact worst thing to possibly do i'm guessing they were not able to save the house after that move not a house fire but really good late 1980s guy was driving an old beat up lincoln he turned a corner to go up a steep hill but the road department had recently ground the asphalt down in preparation to repave a storm sewer manhole cover was sticking up about four inches as he went over it and up the hill the rear of his car dragged due to the pavement height difference and the manhole ripped open his fuel tank and sparked off the gas guy described it i heard a scraping sound looked in the mirror and there was this trail of fire chasing me up the hill like i was the road runner he pulled into a gravel parking lot and tried to kick a break in the trail before the fire got there but it jumped the gap and lit the car by the time we got there it was a total loss he actually thought it was kind of funny the only real loss was his wife's purse with her license and credit cards the car was insured and they got a pretty nice payout for it yeah that is a good one i can imagine watching that all go down lol i'm glad everything was okay in the end this happened this past fall did a family had a fairy house that was outside right next to their woodside's house the fairy house was made out of an old tree and had a bunch of decorations in it including incense candles one evening they decided that they would light the candles for the fairies which then caught a tree on fire which then extended into the house since it started on the outside it ran up the side of the house and got into the attic and second floor the family was home but in the first floor while this was happening it wasn't until someone driving on the road saw the smoke and went to alert the family luckily we were able to save the structure there was a bit of damage to the roof attic and second floor but the homeowners are rebuilding those areas fairies were displeased i guess in college a girl in the dorms was making popcorn which not sure how but somehow caught fire in the microwave she didn't want to get into trouble for it so she grabbed the flaming bag of popcorn and threw it into the nearby trash can then proceeded to cover the fire with paper towels to smother it she actually thought it would work it did not work i came back exhausted after work to find the dorm building surrounded by fire trucks college students are really something else my school is a nursing and engineering school full of the people that will be staffing hospitals and designing the technology of tomorrow i cannot tell you how many times i was awoken in the middle of the night because one of these beacons of the future got stoned and put a burrito in the microwave with the foil still on it based on the stories from relatives the answer is by allowing 10 years worth of dry lint to accumulate inside the machine until it just bursts into flames it was not an isolated case was in my local paper turned out to be my friend's older brother he tried to smoke out bees in the loft and set fire to the insulation in the loft and burned the whole house down dusts off hands well we ain't got to worry about bees no more my father was a boston firefighter for 30-plus years one of his more memorable stories was a foreign family who had ripped up their cast iron bathtub and built an open flame underneath the tub they used the tub as a giant oil fryer naturally this didn't work out very well and the house caught fire to add to the insanity even more the family absolutely refused to let my dad and his co-workers in without taking their boots off which of course they couldn't agree to just crazy i was a chef before i was on a volunteer fire department for a bit and this was at a restaurant down the street from my old one cooks at this restaurant forgot to plug the drain in the deep fryer so what happened was they put oil in a fryer which drained immediately right before lunch turned on the empty fryer and that's when the coils caught fire so not only did they spill five gallons of oil burn a fryer fill a restaurant with smoke and kill the service day this was the second time it happened my uncle is a firefighter the answer is christmas trees they dry out they become a ticking time bomb he used to do an annual demonstration where he'd let a christmas tree dry out for a few months then take it outside and ignite it the flames would shoot 40 feet in the air and the tree would be gone in a few seconds it was mightily impressive to behold and i'm sticking with artificial trees firefighter here one extremely cold night the temperature was -11 wind chills 40s this guy tries starting a fire in his fireplace and couldn't get it started he decides to use gasoline dumps one stroke two gallon on the firewood stacked by the door and the other one stroke two onto the wood in the fireplace as he attempted to light the fire he couldn't get the lighter to work now the vapors are really starting to build he then goes to the kitchen which adjoins the room with the fireplace to use the stove to light some newspaper as soon as he turned the knob on the stove the igniter lit the gasoline vapors the living room was instantly on fire the vapors singed all his hair and got first degree burns on his hands and face we on the other hand spent the next few hours in the extreme cold flash ahead three hours the firewood outside has somehow ignited and we have to go back the second fire had some time to really grow middle or the night everyone in bed no one around longest coldest night of my life all because some fool decided to use gasoline to start a fire indoors general rule is to never bring gasoline inside even just because of the fumes not a firefighter but i set my parents bathroom on fire while getting up from the toilet my mom used to leave potpourri simmering in a small bowl on the back of the toilet with a candle to heat stew it just below as i was getting up i somehow knocked the apparatus off the back of the commode we had carpet floors in that bathroom and that section of the floor caught pretty quickly the fire then found a seam in the wallpaper and ignited the glue fairly easily as well as the flames rose it caught the roll of toilet paper on the way up the wall which really accelerated things all this took 30 seconds and i remember being somewhat mesmerized at the path the flames traveled i also remember that i had flushed the toilet before realizing what had happened i somehow thought to grab the toilet bowl brush shove it into the commode to get it wet and then beat out the flames the aftermath was surprisingly minimal the small section of carpet was destroyed but my parents replaced the carpet everywhere a few years later the wallpaper wiped clean with some hot water and a rag and thankfully there was only a little permanent smoke damaged on the ceiling which has seemed to fade over time mid 80s near beginning of my career young lady finished putting flea spray on her papa when she noticed a tick embedded in its flank you ever hear of the tick removal technique in which you blow out a match and touch the hot tip to the tick thereby causing it to back out of the dog yep dog caught on fire little fellow ran under the bed which also caught fire lady grabbed the pup with spray wet hands and they too caught on fire long story short the house was a mess but both the lady and the dog fortunately survived with moderate burns there was also the lady who tried to sanitize her panties in the microwave but i was off that day this might be the best one family friend decided to make major renovations on their home with no background in construction carpentry they also didn't bring a professional to ensure that their renovations were up to far code lo and behold an exposed wire sparked a fire in the middle of the night and burned down their entire home they have three kids and are very fortunate they all were able to escape the fire without any injuries to make matters even worse they had no house insurance extreme libertarians that don't believe in insurance debt so they ended up having to rely on a gofundme fundraiser set up by a relative to recover financially last i heard they were still living in a hotel trying to figure out their next plan of action this story alone reaffirms my belief that some things are better left to the professionals even if you're trying to cast costs it might be best to pay a little extra to have someone with experience do something for you instead this avoids terrible situations like this libertarians relying on a gofundme that's amazing not a firefighter but happened in my building in india generally you have small praying place in your house like a little version of a temple you lit dinner lamp every day and pray there in this particular case the family decided to keep this thing on a [ __ ] refrigerator the denier fell behind the fridge due to wind from the window adjacent to it the condenser caught fire and literally exploded the whole floor was on fire luckily no one was home it really was a dumb decision to keep a temple on a [ __ ] fridge not a firefighter and it wasn't in a house but on a certain mall here in monterey mexico we have a freaky plaza a little mall where all the geeks gamers and otticus go to and on the second floor someone was smoking while playing yugo since he didn't wanted to throw his ashes on the floor and the trashcan was too far away from him he decided to make a paper ashtray yeah that didn't worked out well especially when three of his friends decided to used it too should have used a pot of green instead so here in argentina we have el cadero a la cruz aka cooking a whole lamb with open fire well it just so happens that pines are really flammable and if you make an unprotected fire in a floor covered in pine leaves near a blooming pine one once my neighbor stole 15 propane tanks and decided to make a diy blowtorch by neighbor i mean he lived below us we were giving him our basement he almost lit the house on fire but then he tripped on something and fell over the next morning we looked and saw it had burned a little bit but not much he was also very drunk that day too once we lived in a basement suite and the people who lived above us were making toast at 2am and they used a fork to get it out but the fork hit something so the toaster caught fire and my mom tried to wake me up but i just pulled my blanket over my head and said i just want to sleep a little more and then my mom said the house could burn down and i was the first one out of my house my neighbors forgot they had ferrets inside we grabbed our dog but they didn't grab their ferrets the fire department came but my neighbors could have put out the fire if they unplugged the toaster and putting baking soda on it know the poor little ferrets someone tried to make a gummy bear land like a nikoli to test it really gonna burn and then his house was on fire that episode scarred me for life every time i use fire my mind goes there not a firefighter but the apt building i stayed and had a pretty good fire guy threw a lit cigarette in a coffee can full of butts it was on the far end of the building from us so my upstairs neighbor and i got to stay everyone else had to move we were dealing with water leaks for almost a year after that it took them that long to sort out insurance stuff and make repairs finally put on a new roof a few weeks before we moved i hate people that do this i work in a grocery store and every couple of weeks in the summer i have to play amateur firefighter because some idiot thought that throwing a lit cigarette into our outdoor ash tray was a good idea news article i read one guy had a fish bowl in his garden shed sunlight was focused through the bowl through his kitchen window fumf i've never before thought to try to spell out that sound and i think you did a really good job my partner's a firefighter he said the dumbest one was where a man tried to barbecue in his basement his reasoning i don't want to go outside and risk exposure to coronavirus it would be safer to do it here in the basement i have been a firefighter for 20 years the dumbest way i've seen a house fire start was when people squatting in a basement decided that a space heater would be handy in drying their clothes but then they waited 15 minutes before calling for us trying to put out with a garden hose into the basement on a five-degree night if they burned down their home in the one next door there was a show in the uk called 999 lifesavers there was one episode where some kids were [ __ ] around with an old oil barrel one tipped oil over himself so he went to dry himself by their campfire they'd started and wait what my neighbors recently burned their house down emptying an ashtray before they went to bed they have since quit smoking not a firefighter but this was a very dumb fire i'm a teacher one day in my department's office someone noticed a smell they got the rest of us to stand up and go to where they were standing it smelled like burning plastic to me so i tried to find the source all of the science lab cabinets were nearby so i carefully felt each for heat and then unlocked and very slowly opened the doors to check that the problem wasn't there no lab chemical problems we finally narrow it down to a spot behind the wall and that's when i realize electrical fires smell like burning plastic i call our head custodian right away he doesn't answer so i call the principal and interrupt his meeting he tells me he'll get the custodian down there they come i say we should call the fire department and get them to check it out asap school decides this is not necessary principal tells off science department for not being careful with their chemicals what this is wednesday thursday smell had faded but then suddenly increases and is worse midday i call the principal immediately and say there's an electrical fire call the fire department after about a half hour of deliberation they decide to call an electrician he stares at the wall says he doesn't smell anything then leaves friday on fridays i didn't have a morning class and on that particular day i decided to take my time and go in late i get to the school around 10 a.m about eight fire trucks there and the whole school evacuated a teacher runs up to me real fire i ask yeah in two rooms and we had to evacuate let me guess room 208 and 210 how do you know tl dr smelled an electrical fire for two days but my bosses decided not to call the fire department until the school was actually on fire your principles are [ __ ] dumbass my father lived in a rented apartment the landlord lived in the apartment beneath him my father had switched the fuse off the oven off because he had done some electrical work he also put some receipts on the oven in the meantime the landlord saw the flip-off fuse located on the basement and flipped it on we wondered why it smelled burned and we discovered that the oven was on and had burned the paper to ash amazingly it did not really burn the paper just happened to ash you could even still read some words but if you touched it it just turned to dust i'm guessing the oven was set to something lower than 451 fahrenheit not a firefighter but i was living in a big old single-family home that had been converted into six apartments because it was a house it had a shingle roof the owner hired one of those unlicensed uninsured type outfits to work on the roof the kind you find hanging out at home depot in the morning looking for jobs anyways long story short the guy was on the roof smoking and somehow caught it on fire rather than dialing 9-1-1 he ran down three flights of fire escape got the garden hose and ran it back up once he got to the top he realized he never turned it on so he ran back down turned it on and ran back up apparently by that time it was out of control so he headed off one of the neighbors finally called was a full-on 911 destroyed the top two floors and most of the first floor moral of the story is just call the professionals probably too late for this to get traction but by far the dumbest is people smoking while on medical oxygen like the tanks are coated in labels about how flammable it is my dad said that one time there was a small fire because a homeless man tried to use a microwave that he installed himself underneath the pier and it exploded apparently it worked the first few times he used it though two kids playing in their backyard and decided to light the shed on fire then it spread to their two cars in their house all burnt down a firefighter started a fire at his ex's house to win her back by saving her claiming he was just driving by and saw it kid lit curtain on fire on second floor apartment building almost caught fire because someone decided they could grill on the second floor of an apartment building right next to the siding more kids being dumb and lighting their houses on fire somehow at the time my dad was assistant chief of the volunteer fire department eventually moved up to chief before you scoff they were actually very well funded and had some amazing equipment thanks to a local glass fiber optics corporation my mother started a fire in the dryer from not cleaning out the lint trap it was a minor fire bit of fire at the assistant chief's house first responders for miles showed up cops emts firefighters and they gave my dad crap for years about it it was even mentioned at his funeral service good times a guy had a bunch of vents coming through his wall he started burning them with a butane torch and it ended really badly he thought it'd be okay because the exterior wall was concrete yes some people are that stupid most of the fires i've seen have been stopped by the usual stupid unattended candles smoking in bed smoking on drugs and passing out unattended kitchens etc the weirded one i've been to was a porch fire caused by sunlight refracting through a glass hummingbird feeder the ones we can never get to one time our kitchen grease fires doused with water those people are lucky to get out of the house at all not a firefighter but our next door neighbors built a brand new house and moved in the last item to finish was stained the deck after the painters were done with the first day they took all the stained rags stuffed them into a plastic bag and left them next to the house sometime after midnight the rags self combusted caught fire and burned the house down i'm not a firefighter and technically it didn't start to house fire but an ex-friend hopefully you understand why it's an ex-friend after reading this once wanted to find out what happened if you put paper into a fryer full of oil i don't know why both why he wanted to and why i was friends with him but he wouldn't listen he waited for it to heat up dropped a few drops of water in to make it spit like an angry dragon then when he was satisfied it was hot enough to melt the paper he dipped in a sheet of a4 it caught fire obviously if i wasn't there it would have ended so badly but luckily i knew what to do grabbed a towel ran it under the water and then suffocated the flames he wanted to throw his drink on it and it was right then that i knew i should not spend another minute with this guy scorch marks up the wall smoke filled the apartment and i just walked out that was the last time we spoke almost 15 years ago my junior year of college my roommate almost started our house on fire by smoking weed dumping the ashes in an empty can throwing it in a paper grocery bag he used a garbage bag next to his bed then promptly leaving the house thank god i was home and started smelling smoke getting stronger i searched the whole house trying to figure out where it was coming from every room except his room at first because his door was closed called 9-1-1 and while i was on the phone with them i opened his bedroom door and it was entirely filled with smoke but no visible flame or searched the room while holding my breath and eyes burning from smoke and found the smoldering paper bag i took it out to the front porch and sprayed with a garden hose to extinguish lucky i was home and i caught it when i did because if his bed caught the whole house would have gone up no real damage done fire depth still came sirens blaring and a cop to whom i stupidly admitted my roommate was smoking pot what happened hear me my roommate was smoking in through the ashes in a paper garbage bag him smoking cigarettes me silence him pot me silent head nod he just threw his hands in the air disgusted at the stupidity and left worst part was i was living in a house handed down in my family for decades a family member of mine was listening to the fire scanner for fun heard the address on the radio and called the rest of my family saying there was a fire got a whole bunch of panic phone calls oh and my live and girlfriend's parents were visiting the house that morning too they weren't super excited about it what the stupidest argument you've ever gotten into my wife and i got into a shouting match as to whose friend's wedding we would attend if they scheduled them for the same weekend neither was even engaged yet trick them into marrying each other problem solved my wife and i got into a screaming match because our broccoli wasn't growing as well as we thought it should and clearly it was the other person's fault our marriage where the big things matter less and the little things are explosive honey i got fired that's okay we'll work through this together honey i move the cereal to the left side of the pantry are you freaking kidding me the right side is clearly more easily accessible i want a divorce i was living with a buddy and we were getting on each other's nerves one night we were arguing about whether to break spaghetti noodles in half i finally said you cook yours your way broken and i'll cook mine unbroken he took half the spaghetti from the package and broken the noodles in half put them in boiling water and started stirring while i stood there with the package mostly we glared at each other then he reminded me to add my half to the pot after i did it then he thought of something how are we going to separate the long noodles from the short ones jokes on you he's getting twice as many noodles when i was six my friend and i stood facing each other arguing about which hand was your left and which was your right it took us about five minutes to realize that when standing opposite someone your left side is there right i had an ex argue with me over which would weigh more a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers we went back and forth forever while i tried to explain it to her it did not help when her mother chimed in with what about a pound of wet feathers the apple does not fall far from the tree number her mother knew what she did was toss a grenade into the conversation and walked away way back when i was a phone service advisor for a credit card company this lady called in confusedness heck about a piece of mail we had sent her i don't understand why you sent me a bill i paid for the tv at the store with my card yes mom now this is a bill for using your credit card but i used my credit card why would i have to pay a game this went on for about a good hour this poor excuse for an adult believe that a credit card with just an all access pass to buy anything you wanted for free that was a devastating job the arguments you have where someone is venting at you at something infuriating and you agree with them but they are so mad that they want to argue with you about it even though you agree with them and say yes throughout the conversation that is like eighty percent of my conversations on reddit my friend once tried to argue that token the black character in south park was named as such because black people are stereotypically always talking on weed and crack i argued that it was because he's the token black character i argued that it was because he's the token black character i'm pretty sure they specifically say this in at least one episode me and my friend are both smokers we were talking to my other friend who wasn't the non-smoking friend was saying how bad smoking is etc and that we should both quit and my smoking friend was arguing that smoking wasn't bad for you at all and he had no reason to quit now at first i thought he was joking but no he was deadly serious so i informed him he was wrong and that smoking does indeed kill people he got angry scream that we were lying then left and hasn't spoken to me since this was like six years ago haha that's the most sincere hardcore form of denial i've heard in a while not me but my parents they got into an argument about a little bit of source getting wasted because it came out too fast my dad got pee off about it because he's just quit smoking and they haven't spoken to each other for nearly two days now my parents go on rid too so i hope they see this and realize how stupid they're being at the olive bars at grocery stores you can buy these cherry peppers that are stuffed with prosciutto and cheese well my dad and i love them things and one day he bought a bunch of them through the course of the week we ate them all except one which sat in the container for three days uneaten so i ate it and that's where i went wrong two weeks went by before my dad would speak to me again simply because i ate the last pepper before he did friend farts me did you just fart friend no i didn't me yes you did friend no i didn't you freaking liar silence only a horrible smell he was the only one with me in that room and he's known for lying he didn't fart he pooped himself i once got in an argument with my roommate about who could raise the fastest duck i was in a fraternity in college and a sorority on campus had invited us to participate in a rubber duck race fundraiser where the rubber ducks would float down a creek through campus and the person that bought the winning duck got a prize being the smartest i am i asked the sorority president if i could enter a real duck she didn't believe i would and said yeah sure whatever madman 88 later that night my roommate and i got drunk and got in a heated debate over who could raise the faster duck we woke up the next morning and headed to the nearest poultry farm where we each bought a duckling and raised it for the next month and a half their names were cheese and quackers one day i came home to find all sorts of witchcraft spell books strewn about our counter i asked him what they were and he opened one up grabbed my duck and started cursing it apparently he had gone to her palm reader to seek advice as a joke we kept them in our fenced in backyard in the day after he had cursed my duck a storm blew down part of our fence and our ducks escaped i still blame the voodoo curse to this day my duck quackers easily would have won and he had to resort to consulting the great beyond to ruin the entire race for both of us tl dr i had the faster duck but was foiled by a curse my friend was convinced selfish was pronounced shellfish i wrote out the word out sounded it out and it was like i was saying the sun was blue she just wouldn't have it idk if she was screwing with me but two three years after that whole argument we got in a different argument about her basically being a bee and she says sorry i was being shellfish i couldn't stay mad at that [ __ ] my friend i think you were the victim of a long con that if you go on someone's property you're their property needless to say he isn't very bright he's locked up in my garage now he's locked up in my garage now it's probably for the best a woman i used to work with at a university got into an argument with me because she didn't believe that the different races of humans were in fact the same species her final argument you're wrong it's like whites and native americans are just like fish and dolphins they're both in the ocean but not the same species now do you get it um no not really and not at all coincidentally this was the worst group of co-workers i have ever had jane it was about minus 40 outside in the winters bill celsius or fahrenheit me they are actually the same as -40 jane really bill no they aren't you're talking crap me i'm 99 sure that they are the same at -40 bill i have a physics degree you're an idiot bill then went on to reference my idiocy twice more over the course of the evening bill is a t my cousin said that her laptop was overheating and making a buzzing sound her friend piped up and commented that it was most definitely a virus and she should take it to geek squad to have it removed i said no it's not a virus it's probably your fan your fan is messed up it's probably just dusty try cleaning that out note i am not an i.t professional but come on this girl got righteously p and told me that no it was a virus and she knows because she had the same issue with her laptop a few months ago and kick squad fixed it this went back and forth for a bit with me insisting that a virus doesn't affect the fan function it was literally a hardware issue and she was talking to me like she couldn't believe how freaking stupid i was to not realize that a virus was making my cousin's laptop fan bogged down i finally explained to her how viruses work and she stomped her foot like a child and exploded that i t is still a virus the virus just deleted the fire that runs the fan i stare at her in disbelief the fire that runs the fan what is that fan eggs and she said finally you get it she was so convinced that this was the case that my cousin not noted for her critical thinking skills believed her and said she'd just take the laptop in to have it checked and cleaned whatever if you wanna pay out the bus to have some smug do [ __ ] geek squad fix your laptop ain't my business there's two kinds of people people who never call tech support and always go to you because you know a ton about computers and then there's the people that never go to you for free help because you're not wearing a shirt with a tech support logo on your nipple friend if you are driving 100 kilometers per hour you are driving one kilometer per minute me no you are driving almost two kilometers per minute friend you high or something that human blood is blue before it hits oxygen which is why your veins are blue this led to fifth grade me poking myself with pins for hours to see if i could see it change over from blue to red while my brother kept me at it be telling me i wasn't doing it fast enough god dang older brothers i think if you were stabbing yourself for hours your brother won i had an extended argument about whether or not oregon trail the game promoted communism but like this was like 20 30 minutes of arguing number no it doesn't you would say that you freaking call me at my old job i'd gone to get something off the printer and when i got back to my desk the director came over to me and pulled me into his office for a word jenny you need to make sure you're wearing shoes i am wearing shoes you weren't just then when you walked to the printer oh yes i was no you weren't i saw that you weren't wearing shoes please make sure you're wearing shoes in the office it's for health and safety i was wearing shoes no you weren't yes i was i was wearing shoes no you weren't why wouldn't i be wearing shoes why would i take my shoes off to go to the printer and then immediately put them on when get back to my desk listen just make sure you're wearing shoes at all times baffled i was wearing freaking shoes comma that may top the shoes argument in fairness yeah but your boss is an adult i assume i was about 13 and me and my friend were watching tv at her house an advert came on for go ahead biscuits my friend said those taste disgusting yeah i agreed have you even tried them yes i hadn't but i didn't want to admit to my lie no you haven't yes i have all right then what do they taste like disgusting you haven't even tried them i have this angered her for some reason so she slapped me i slapped her back that was harder she said hitting me back harder i hit her back harder we spent the next 10 minutes hitting each other progressively getting harder and more violent until we'd both fallen off the sofa and were full on scrapping on the floor there were tears and bruises it was vicious we didn't speak for about two hours after that until we eventually realized how ridiculous it all was and started laughing hysterically then we cried some more and then we hugged and that may top the shoes argument in fairness one day my girlfriend was a huge bee all day treating me like crap yelling at me then finally saying well at least i didn't kiss another person while we were together dumb struck i asked her when this happened she said yesterday at your friend's party that's weird i went to school then work then came over and we went to bed it was at that point that we realized it was a dream thanks lady a phone number i frequently call ends and 6272 i remember that by darling nasa friends of mine vehemently disagreed and said i was dialing the wrong number the correct number was nappa they're the same numbers on the keypad 666 spells mom so it's really easy to remember what to dial to get that entry to come up on my cell phone me and my dad got into a yelling match about who farted in the car there was only the two of us in the car too he farted and he won using the ill ground u over trend card friend tried to put aluminium foil in the microwave i and literally every other person we asked from friends to complete strangers tried to explain that it does not end well they strongly believed and i quote it just makes a little light show in the microwave don't put metal in the science oven any of the rhetorical theoretical arguments my wife and i have from time to time for example we recently had an argument about how we would furnish the non-existent hypothetical eight-bedroom mansion we would live in if we were billionaires she wanted it to be full of antiques i wanted a stylish and futuristic minimalist theme my mom is super religious and superstitious so whenever i would say something negative we would have to cancel it by saying cancel cancel cancel so whatever bad thing we said wouldn't come true so one day my sister did something stupid and 12 year old me said you are stupid and i hope you die my mom heard me from the room and screamed at me cancel i t me no mom cancel it three times me fine cancel mom three times me no mom cancel it two more me cancel mom one more me mom go to your room you are grounded me cancel cancel cancel i am sorry mom pls yay i was vegan for a few years and joined a club type organization we would swap recipes talk about new products and just hang out most of the people were pretty awesome bit like everything some were a bit loony there was this one girl who thought all animals could choose to be vegan in her opinion a wolf could just decide one day i want to avoid animal products so she would talk about wanting to go speak to wild animals about the benefits of the vegan diet i tried to tell her that animals really couldn't just go vegan and she suggested that we feed them soy-based meat alternatives we all tried to help her understand that animals can't and she refused to believe us she eventually stopped coming to the get-togethers thankfully she refused to own pets so no animals directly suffered from her beliefs they just had to listen to her talk when she went out converting you absolutely should have encouraged her to go talk to grizzlies and lions it may have been beneficial to everyone my colleague and i spent half a day trying to decide what would be best burp confetti or fart glitter thank you internet for giving us wonderful things but confetti fart glitter would get stuck in your pants i had a computer science teacher who didn't know anything about technology we got into arguments because she insisted that a degree in creative writing would be the best way to prepare yourself for an i.t job rather than a degree in computer science creative writing could be useful when explaining to your boss why the code you wrote doesn't work a couple of my friends and i all worked at the same grocery store when we were in high school one day one of friends we'll call him sean was begging for me as i was checking out a customer this customer had a pretty big order which isn't a big issue until i scanned her cucumbers i'll never forget those cucumbers shawn went to bag the cucumbers by laying them in the bag vertically which eight stroke ten punctures a bag and causes it to rip and all the groceries to fall out after the ladies order was complete i told how to bag them horizontally or at the very least at a diagonal and now sean didn't like this and we continued to argue until the next school day where we got all of us who worked at the grocery store involved for the next few weeks those who sided with the vertical bagging scheme and the horizontal bagging mechanism either argued or straight up ignored each other we never came to an agreement and still fight over it any time it is brought up vertical bagging scheme and the horizontal bagging mechanism if i didn't know what side you were on this would make it so plain my college roommate and i didn't speak for three weeks because of an argument regarding toilet paper roll placement it started off as a discussion then an argument then to the point where he called my sister a w and i broke his wrist over it goes over all i can imagine in this argument over under over under over your sister's a w snaps wrist my friend and i got into an argument over whether chocolate would kill my dog of course i was arguing that it wouldn't he was arguing it wouldn't eventually he went home and i went to bed woke up to my dog vomiting violently under the bed i could smell chocolate that bastard i rushed my dog to the vet and he needed to know how much chocolate my dog may have ingested i called my friend but he denied feeding my dog any he had 80 dark chocolate when he was over my other friend was in the car with him when i called he turned to her after hanging up the phone and said i might have fed him a couple of squares to prove my point my dog ended up in intensive care at the vet for days on an iv and carefully watched he pulled through the vet said throwing up undoubtedly saved his life the stupid argument that almost cost my dog his life needless to say i am no longer friends with that butthole i had a very lengthy debate about whether or not you get receipts with abortions neither of us were in any form of relationship or pregnancy scare and both of us were men and i'm breaking up with you april fool's joke led to the real thing glad it did long version senior year in high school he was a recent graduate we had dated long before this and broke up for different reasons fast forward one year later we confess our feelings for each other blah blah blah well we're together for maybe about four months but we had been fighting over silly things and weren't speaking he then texted texted me one morning before my first period class went as follows if i recall correctly him gypsy that remains we need to talk me sure him this isn't working me what isn't him us at this point i know it's an april fool's joke so i go along with it me oh well if that's how you feel him yeah sorry it didn't work out the way we wanted it to me yeah me too after about two hours i sent him a text saying i'm kind of waiting for you to say april fools but if you're not going to let me know before i start to get used to this he very plainly responds i guess i chose the wrong day to do it well crap i start telling myself all the reasons why i was better off without him he was kind of a deadbeat cheated on me the last time we dated did see on weekends he was almost two years older than me and had a crappy job and had no plans to go to college he would have only served as deadweight god that mean he missed several college placement tests due to a hangover nice guy but he was kind of patriarchal in a way never let me pay for my own meals or buy my own things and was very insecure talked about how we would get married one day and i would be a stay-at-home mom i started to realize my feelings for him were only there because i thought since we somehow drifted back together after a year apart made it true love truth was i only wanted him because i couldn't have him and now that i had him it just wasn't right 30 minutes go by and he sends me is it too late to say april fools yes we end up meeting up after school and at this point it was me cutting it off i was planning to go off to college eight hours away and i knew he didn't trust me and i knew the relationship just wouldn't survive he says he understands but still tries to salvage it i say no i'm sorry it's not working he's a bigger mess than i am again nice guy but just wasn't for me i hope he finds someone if he hasn't already tl dr april fool's joke leads to epiphany i once barricaded myself in the bathroom with my then girlfriend screaming at me and trying to break down the door over who got to cook potatoes that night this guy who just got fired at my work the argument was over quality of the work we do he had for months been making stupid mistakes that basically boiled all down to a single root cause he didn't care he didn't care about what he was doing he was there just to punch a clock maybe that's good enough if you just want to work at a walmart or something but we make structural steel and buildings like the office building you're sitting in right now or that bridge you drove over to get there so you can imagine there needs to be a certain level of care and quality in what you do anyway i'd found some more of his mistakes part of my job is to find issues before they become expensive problems and showed the guy so we can fix them i try to be real nice about it i try not to make him feel stupid but he gives me this huge attitude and tells me not to check his work i tell him it's my job and quality is everyone's business here we are a small shop our clients give us repeat business because we output quality parts he's almost 50 years old he hasn't held a job longer than two years in his entire adult life how am i the one who's got to have this conversation with him how has he made it this far he spent the next two hours of the day trying to bad mouth me to the other guys in the shop someone complained to the general manager who promptly fired the guy someone complained to the general manager who promptly fired the guy well as someone who drives over bridges and enters office buildings thank you i was having a conversation with my girlfriend at the time about freak occurrences and odd things that happened she said at some point that and i quote uncommon occurrences happen all the time they happen just as often as common occurrences i tried explaining by their very definition they can't i tried explaining it nicely but she just didn't or wouldn't understand and even after i tried to let it go she kept bringing it up getting angrier and angrier accusing me of not seeing her side the argument lasted a two-hour car ride when i was around 14 i got in not an argument with classmate about whether or not the sun was burning i said it was not because the definition of burning is a reaction with oxygen nuclear fusion is not i could not convince him his anger increased until he almost became violent but i could not let this go some teacher overheard this argument and it sent us to the physics teacher to solve the issue when my daughter was three we were driving home together from the park and led zeppelin stairway to heaven came on the radio she told me to change the station it was a bad song and i told her no it's the best song ever you should listen to it she then proceeded to tell me i hate this song i was like your three this is the best song ever you don't know anything about it oh my god i'm arguing with a three-year-old we got home and she took a nap she's only three and has already heard it too many times stupid people have read it what is the stupidest thing you've done i'm walking to work dressed as an office drone dress pants dress shirt no tire wingtips i see some construction workers ahead waving frantically at me what the heck do those guys want take one more step plop right into the wet cement sidewalk panel they had just made to answer the obvious questions yes there were pylons and warning signs etc i was an oblivious idiot tl dr i'm that white collar idiot the construction workers probably still tell stories about my dog wants to contribute one comma so i'm on the front of a boat and we're going like 30 miles per hour i'm just staring into the wind with my tongue flopping around like any other dog would then i see that stupid freaking brown thing down by my butt again you know that furry thing that sometimes attaches to our butts until we chase it around for a few minutes and start thinking about something else i chased that sucker straight off the front of the boat and it ran us over i'm alright though it was one of those moments of true stupidity i was finishing on the toilet about to go to bed i stood up and flushed as i did i thought i heard something plop into the bowl i reached in into my delight grabbed the first thing i felt in my hand picked up a turd when i was little i pooped a tiny bit into a piece of toilet paper and kept it by my bed my mom found it due to the smell i think i wanted to know what happened when you left to turn out in the open for a while i like to think i was just being a little scientist but in reality i was probably just a weird little crap one time i tried to fart while playing online poker really late while my girlfriend was asleep about half of the fart came out before i realized more was on its way out too i caught that before it was too late and jumped up and started to run to the bathroom i had headphones on and yanked my head to the left and pulled my tower over as i kicked a 25 pound weight on the floor broke my toe and then crap all over myself who will see the leprechaun say yeah i think you win this is hilarious sale i pull over and go to the carport where i see a lot of boxes laying around and clothes hanging so i start having rummage in the boxes and looking at the clothes see a guy in the lounge staring at me giving me stink eye i think how are you going to sell anything with that attitude never mind keep on looking mostly kids and women's clothes anyway guy comes out and says are you right mate i say yeah just having a look go back out to my car nothing of interest there drive down the street and see another sign garage sale realize the garage sale sign was indicating turn left at the next street you know how you see stupid exam answers at the age of 12 the whole year group had to sit an exam to find out what groups we would be put in for science the next year it asked us to draw and label a table and its users i literally drew a freaking table with some smug little c reading a book at it i even labeled the freaking book as book in the table and its legs i still made the top set for science every science teacher got a photocopy of that freaking diagram every single freaking one it was pinned to walls doors smart boards literally every freaking gadget mink in my school knew about my monumental frick up i have to the time i ended up in the hospital because of pasta coma one night i was doing dishes that i had left for about a week uni life and there was a piece of pasta heavily crusted onto the bottom of the pot i couldn't get it off with a sponge or with the brush i was using so i tried to pick it off with my nails i managed to pick a little bit too hard and boom the pasta shard is under my thumbnail up to about the halfway point about 10 seconds later my finger was dripping blood and i realized that the pasta was actually getting cooked by my blood and visions of awful infections started to run through my head i decided to play it safe and go to the ear and the doctor that ended up seeing me three hours later told me that i had made the right choice coming in which made me feel a bit better a couple of scalpels some surgical scissors and 30 minutes of excruciating pasta extraction later i walked out of the hospital missing half of my thumbnail it hurt like an absolute be for the next week i was told that i was the only pastor related injury any of the doctors in the hospital at the moment had ever seen the time i literally tried to be a helicopter and broke my wrist como i was four years old and on a field trip with my kindergarten class it was lunchtime and we were all sitting on a jungle gym eating our lunches for whatever reason i decided it was a good idea to stop eating my lunch and walk to the top of the jungle gym so i could jump off don't ask me to explain it it's been 17 years and i'm still amazed at my own inexplicable stupidity i'm fortunate not to have won a darwin award so far i had recently learned what a hecholopter was and was amazed that they could fly just by spinning things around my flawless logic of the day was if they can do it why can't i so seemingly without any discernible reason little four-year-old me put down his sandwich marched to the top of the jungle gym put his arms out at his sides and jumped off while spinning around in my best hecal opter impression and that was how i got my first ambulance ride tl dr i accidentally tested ancient chinese torture tactics on myself and also tried to be a helicopter at one point they said i could be anything so i became a hekalopter wanted to make a panini so got my panini press noticed a small piece of metal poking out of the plug so pushed it in with my thumb whilst it was plugged in and switched on haven't been able to face a panini since at the age of nine i had a rock fight with a friend i was hospitalized and now most people respectfully ask me if i have a mental condition tldr rock head [ __ ] this is not how you get stoned when i was roughly three years old i was playing around in the living room whilst my older brother 13 at the time watches television eventually i get bored of whatever annoying toy i was playing with i start toddling on over to the kitchen to find scattered toys or to find my mum however on the way i decided to take a nap a nap or a freaking radiator with heat blasting out of it apparently i had been there for a good minute before my brother realized my face was melting on the radiator my brother takes my cheek off the radiator and screams for our mum i got rushed immediately to the hospital where my mum was questioned profusely in regards to child neglect she's a great mum and she says the ordeal was the worst thing she has ever experienced got a scar of my cheek from my idiocy this isn't the only time i fricked up as a youngster sadly got run over by a parked car so when i was 10 my stepfather put a speedometer on my huffy dirt bike i wanted to see how fast this thing could go so i took it up to the tallest hill in my neighborhood racing down the hill i went past 20 miles per hour past 25 i was closing in on 30 miles per hour when it occurred to me that i should be looking at the road not just the speedometer that's when i hit the boog a 1980 zero american car was not built for fuel economy or for reliability it was built to consume as many gas and steel resources as america could pee away i flew over the trunk rolled over the roof and thumped onto the hood with a broken arm and two inch scar in my shin my huffy was squashed like an accordion and could have been mistaken for a unicycle everything changed after that except the book it barely noticed i once thought it would be a good idea to take three hits of acid and go to my cousin's middle school dance recital it wasn't a good idea at all it was a bad idea it was a very freaking bad idea i fell asleep on a roof a slanted roof i rolled over ever have one of those dreams where you are falling i woke up just before i hit the ground i rode my bike under a truck i made a slingshot that fired metal discs through trees i took these plates off my father's cars and bikes i made a stump remover basically an ied for farm work got confused and got the measurements wrong i figured this out while a two-ton stump was about 80 feet in the air i thought that my knife juggling skills would impress girls at a party i had been drinking heavily had frictional trampoline advice if you ever want to try this don't penises can break had fricked in the water at a beach advice if you want to try this don't sand gets everywhere especially if you are uncircumcised short myself with a 0.22 bullet not a gun just the bullet well and a hammer took a half pound of gunpowder to school tried to write my name on the football field turns out the guy with the distinctive name and no eyebrows can easily be identified another time i tried to jump a fence on a motorcycle a barbed wire fence strangely if this had gone just a little worse the beach thing would have gone better parked my dad's car the wrong way that is in a swimming pool tried to help a dog who had been hit by a car had a large portion of my face torn open that being said i would do this again lots more but i am a little tired my wife thinks i am stupid btw dude you might just be stupid i'm not a doctor though so you know don't listen to me because i once tried to walk along a bobbed wire fence in the rain thought it was easy like in the circus when i was 12 i put a rifle round facing up on the ground and hit it with a golf club the casing shot across my foot and cut skin but i don't know where the bullet went depending on how old you are we might have solved the kennedy assassination me and my cousin were sharing a room at my grandma's we had just switched out the old tv with a nicer one rather than moving it out of the way we just left it in the hall like a couple of lazy dumbasses we figured we just move it tomorrow cup to 11 p.m we hear a loud scream and large thud right outside our door we run outside to find grandma in a heap on the floor she was going to bed but didn't turn the whole light on because she wrongly assumed that her grandsons weren't morons she bruised her hip and i still feel terrible about it to this day tldr my cousin and i almost killed our grandma with a tv stepped on a rake to see if it flies up like in cartoons gave myself a black eye two turned a hand with a glass of water in upside down to look at my watch d spent half an hour looking for a toy getting more and more frustrated it was in my hand eight have an insane blind spot for keys i lose my keys almost every day unless i consciously put then i in one specific spot forgot ouch made a pizza in a cast iron pan in the oven must have been getting on for 200c when i took it out and carefully put it on a mat turn to do something else for a few seconds turned back and instinctively grabbed the panhandle not just a touch a full-on grab i even managed to lift it an inch or so before the pain hit i can honestly say it's by far the worst pain i've ever had and i burst a stitch after my circumcision at 19. unable to find my phone in a complete state of panic sending my friend a text asking dude did i leave my phone at your place i can't find it anywhere he replied what are you using to send this text genius i have never in my life been so ashamed to clarify this was quite a few years ago before smartphones and google voice we're talking some of the first color screen nokias here i've done that with my keys i'm looking all around the house while twirling them around on my finger the girl of my dreams came back to my place after dinner and drinks we had been friends for a long time but never a hint of anything more i was in a sleeping bag on the floor she told me hey you can jump up under the quilt to get warm and my response was oh this sleeping bag is really warm it wasn't until the next day that i realized what i had done ro thinking about this makes me really depressed so i used to get really bad head rushes when i stood up too fast this happened a lot when i was in my early teens anyways i was lying down watching tv when my dad tells me to turn the heat down so i get up and feel kinda dazed but continue to walk behind the couch towards the thermostat on the long walk to the thermostat my head rush starts to get more intense i lose vision and lean against my electric piano for support i lean there for about 30 seconds while it passes when my vision finally returns i am standing over my piano thinking turn down the heat turn down the heat so my blood deprived brain starts to bash the keys of the piano hoping that the heat will turn it down i am very confused at this point but i think i know what i'm doing then i get the realization i thought wow i'm so dumb the heat isn't turning down because the piano isn't on stupid me so i press the on button on the keyboard and start bashing the keys even more random notes start playing loudly which makes me jump finally realizing my true folly i laugh out loud at how stupid my brain was and proceed to the thermostat to finally turn down the heat this all happened within the span of about 40 seconds to a minute the end tldr thought my piano was the thermostat and proceeded to bash the keyboard to try to turn down the heat please tell me your dad was there watching as you continue to bash the keys on the piano i thought it would be funny to fart on my friend while we were in my closet smoking instead i shut it all over the floor and he laughed he bought off [Music] in junior high i swallowed a pencil in class emergency room doctor looked me up and down and said i expected to see a three-year-old in high school i dated a girl with an identical twin one morning i was tired and walked up to the girl i thought was my girlfriend put my arm around her and kissed her fantasy twin freaking did not ensue me are you going to the prom her yes me okay i hope you have fun i thought she was saying she had a date but was really just saying she planned on going found out from a mutual friend after someone else asked her ended up going stag i don't think that was really stupid it was just miscommunication the first time i had fricked was pretty freaking stupid girl brings my wasted self back to her room and we start freaking my anxiety kicks and that i'm supposed to see him already so i stand up in the dark fake jerk off fake orgasm and piece of freak out she never talked to me again i don't understand your thought process here i tried to rob an on duty cop i used to work at a gas station every night at this gas station police officers would come in for some coffee and whatnot and over time i got to know a couple of them over time it got to where we would talk about the weird crap they see on the regular and what not and the crap they would help us deal with i got some good cop stories from them and some even better gas station adventures from my days if anyone is interested anyway one day i'm minding my own business stocking the cooler when i hear officer ingram talking to my manager over the speakers in the cooler they are there so that whoever is in the cooler can hear what is going on up front i decide to come out of the cooler with my sweatshirt and ski mask on and sneak up on officer ingram and see how a cop reacts to being robbed so i start sneaking around the store solid snake style and i managed to go unseen by officer ingram my manager who was having a conversation with him saw me but didn't give me away since it wasn't unusual for me to wear the ski mask outside the cooler i get to the counter and i put my box cutter's blunt end safety first against the back of his neck and tell him in a voice much deeper than my regular voice to don't do anything stupid and call for help or anything just give me your freaking wallet my manager was speechless officer ingram didn't even flinch he just took a sip of his coffee and told me that i must be the biggest idiot he had ever come across it was at this point that i noticed my manager's eyes had dropped and i noticed that ingram already put his hand on his gun right as i heard the safety click i dropped the act and told him it was me and that i was just playing ingram starts laughing out loud and tells me to chill out he had seen me sneaking out the cooler and around the store on the computer screen up front with the live feed of the security cameras around the store we had a good laugh about it immediately after for a few days after that when the other officers would come in they would put their hands in the air or just throw me their wallets it later dawned on me that if it wasn't for the manager leaving the security camera live feed on screen i could have gotten shot and charged with all sorts of crap tl dr pulled a box cutter on a copper's joke cop knew it was me and decided to scare me senseless didn't go to jail or get bullets in my tummy it was a good day i like to think i am not stupid but i have one memory gap that leads people to believe i am dumb as soup i can't freaking recall right and left off the top of my head it is so freaking frustrating could be worse though i physically can't turn left i'm not an ambertonner christmas this year so's mother is staying with us upstate ny so it's cold as balls i go out to start the car before we leave for dinner and then come back in few minutes later when we're about to leave i start patting my pockets and looking around on my desk so's mom goes comma the keys are in the car cause it's running yup your daughter is dating a keeper over here i once was playing around with my friends ep pen and didn't know which side was which short the needle through my thumb so that hurt came home from work one night and popped easy mac in the microwave but i forgot the one essential step i came back three minutes later to a smoke-filled kitchen the smoke was the burned plastic cancer smoke so my nasal passages were on fire i am a terrible chef did you forget the freaking water because i have done the same goddamn thing when i was little i didn't know about those colliders i stuck my index finger thinking it would be cool to leave it there and boom finger roasted worst thing is i held the pain for at least four hours because i didn't want to cause trouble to my parents sneezed and hit my head on a wall because i was standing too close left my shopping at the till after i went through the self-service checkout poured water down my leg and instead of moving the cup just let it continue to pour until there was no water left thought about sonar was called sonic radar threw frozen chicken in about six inches of boiling vegetable oil and started my house on fire lit my friend's hay shed on fire which exploded when the fire reached 20 full propane tanks jumped off my house to my trampoline missed bit my tongue almost completely off i also once cooked some trout on the barbecue grill and some foam that the cat sleeps on under the grill caught fire so i threw it off the deck and it landed on the [ __ ] and burned a hole in it just 10 minutes ago i was play fighting with a girl i get with occasionally and she lifted her leg to kick me in the ball so i grabbed her leg and out of instinct lifted and pushed which sent her to her butt hard and she hit her head decently hard in the wall i say out of instinct because i'm a wrestler and my brain just automatically thought i was doing a single leg i was having a bonfire dumping gas on the fire and the fire got a little too high and lit the spout of the gas can and it well exploded and lit my shirt sleeve on fire jesus i need to stay away from fire at least your trampoline wasn't on fire i'm smart in general but sometimes i derp out completely and look like the biggest [ __ ] once i was reading a horror novel and i had my finger underneath the page i turned the page and got startled because apparently i'd won forgotten my finger was there and two forgotten i even had that finger because i didn't even recognize it as mine for a moment i only recently found out that if you put hot water in a pot instead of cool water it'll boil faster and so it shaves like 10 minutes off your cooking time the other day i tried to open the can of evaporated milk but the can opener just made a weird noise and didn't do anything i got frustrated for a few seconds before realizing that it wasn't the can i was holding it was my glass measuring cup i'm terrified of roaches once i saw a fat roach on the floor of my bedroom and literally stood there for about 10 minutes with a shoe in my hand trying to work up the courage to throw it then i noticed the roach hadn't moved the whole time i mustered up the courage to get closer and get a better look at it and realized it wasn't a roach it was just a black smudge on the floor that had collected a little lint it's worth mentioning that i'm nearsighted and didn't have my glasses on at the time for months i really truly thought you could download ram i had seen that download more ram sites and read some reviews which i later found out were joking and i told my mom and one of my friends about it my mom looked at me with this deadpan face my friend started cracking the heck up it wasn't until later that i learned you cannot download ram i am not computer savvy i keep mistakenly calling surround sound sound around i think i'd been saying it for years but nobody corrected me until i was in a conversation with some friends and said something like yeah i have sound around headphones they're expensive but suru worth it my boyfriend interrupted me and said can you repeat that i didn't everyone burst out laughing i once derped out and asked my dad if the rio grande was actually in rio de janeiro my dad just went there's no such thing as a stupid question but that was pretty close i'm both my parents smartest and dumbest child i thought detergent pods worked in the dryer not the washer i assumed that the heat from the dryer would melt away the plastic and that the liquid was meant to make my clothes smell good when the plastic didn't melt away i started tear the pods before throwing them inside the dryer did this for like four months straight yay i know i'm stupid i parked my car on an inclined road and forgot to put my hand brake up i saw my car slowly but surely going downhill so i attempted to stop it with my own hands the car hit me as i went under it and hit the car behind me ended up paying to repair my car the other guy's car and my own medical bills technically definitely not stupid but quite capable of it i tried to avoid my older sister by telling her on the phone i wasn't at our parents house i was on my parents house landline and she lost no time in pointing this out what was the stupidest thing someone has asked you 100 seriously i work in a toll booth and was working on the westbound side a lady drove up to my booth really mad which is par for the course but i digress she told me that every day she takes this route home from work and every single day the sun is directly in her eyes well of course she's driving westbound at 6 pm when i mentioned this she brushed it off and asked well can't you change the direction of the road or at least put a cover over it i can't be the only person who is bothered by this just a second dear madam we'll make the world revolve around you it just takes a second i was at my cottage looking at the stars at night with a friend and she turned to me and asked are there countries in the sky i didn't know what she meant so i asked her to explain and then she said well are there any countries in the world that are just kind of in the sky i was so confused that i just sat there in silence but eventually she says i mean is there land on the earth in the sky where people live that our country is at that point i just gave up and said no and she replied oh okay so reassuringly my 21 year old sister once asked my entire family at dinner if nuns don't have sex where do they get more nuns that takes a cake for me however imagine being 21 and not knowing that all nonzero clones are the original nun for context i work in a phone shop customer what is this hands me his bill me this is your bill customer but i already paid it me well then don't worry about it customer no i mean i paid it last month me oh this is just your second bill then customer but i already paid i.t me last month's bill yes this is your next bill customer you mean they keep sending these every month me yes that's what a phone contract is you signed the contract for two years didn't you customer yeah me so you will get a bill each month for two years then customer what are ip off he legit thought he would only get a single 90 bill for his brand new iphone over the entire two years of his contract whoa there buddy just imagine this guy signing a lease for an apartment waited on a woman who asked me what kind of meat was in our beef taco salad lady what kind of meat is in your beef taco salad me beef l what kind of beef me beef ground beef seasoned with taco seasoning l no i mean is it pork or chicken me mom it's beef it's from a cow it's beef what day of the week is good friday on do you mean what date no what day of the week it was on a thursday last year no i've gotten a similar one to this isn't it cool how good friday always lands on a friday in his defense it clicks in his head a second later if it was possible to even land a plane on japan because it's so small because you know maps are a one one description of the world colon working for a rafting company i'm asked far too often at the end of the float if we are back at the start rivers don't flow in god dang circles reminds me of a story my dad once told me some of his friends were camping near a river and one of them got in a truck tire and floated downstream then he got out ran all the way around the camp and got back in the water when he passed the camp again he said look guys it flows in a circle one of them actually believed it got in truck tire and floated away i once asked someone to look to the left of something on her screen she asked my left or your left we were both facing the same direction you can pick i have a buzz cut a guy at work recently asked dead seriously do you cut your hair or does it only grow that long i got a haircut with bangs when i was around 13 and when i showed up to school the next day one of my classmates asked me how i grew them so fast not me but our safari guide in south africa said he once heard a woman ask her husband honey is that the same moon we see in texas not asked but in high school show choir we took a trip to toronto from the us for a competition one girl thought toronto was in florida and only packed bathing suits shorts and crop tops laughing canadian my current boss asked me to make the pages smaller so she can see all of them she had excel zoomed into 200 and thought i was just sending things in font 46 this person has been in her position for 12 years ugg this is my favorite one because i'm not convinced this isn't my boss someone was placing an order once at my family's restaurant and they had asked me for a side of french fries without the potatoes i assume she was joking so i laughed she wasn't joking she got offended and left the restaurant lol first day working a tech support job i answer a phone call from a woman whose laptop won't turn on she's at the airport trying to get some work done and is very frustrated because she had been working for several hours during a layover and the laptop suddenly shut off i asked her if she had the laptop plugged in when it shut off or if she was just running it on the battery it can be plugged in i thought it was supposed to be wireless i honestly thought i was being pranked because i was the new guy after a lengthy pause to decide if this was a serious call i advised her to try plugging it in a laptop turned on she was amazed that it didn't just recharge itself when she wasn't using it i used to work at a sub shop and a lady asked me how much bigger is the 8 inch compared to the 6 inch i replied with 2 inches that was that literally had a guy ask me yesterday if i hit the cash back button does the money come out of my account dude was like 30 and he thought cash back was just free money i guess do we have the ability to open digital files this is the guy who would print pdfs from our server then scan the print to his email so he could save them to his desktop ugh i'm in my 40s but have a lot of co-workers in their 60s i send them pdfs and they always always always print and then scan them guaranteed when i was a kid i asked my dad for a tuna fish sandwich without a tuna fish he handed me two pieces of bread to this day i've never seen him laugh harder than he did the first time he told me this story he said i was about four while holding a container of morton's salt do you know if there's sodium insult i mean i know there's iodine to prevent retardation but is there sodium it must have been hard not to respond to that retardation bit in high school we were warming up before a baseball game one evening and some really ominous dark clouds started rolling in one of my teammates very seriously asked is that a storm or is that just night coming i will never forget that this one's my favorite in my driver's ed class the instructor was discussing cardinal directions he asked a girl on the front row what direction her house was from here she points out the window and he goes so west she responds well it's my east because i'm facing you should have stuck with waste a girl at school asked me if wisconsin was the capital of texas she was confused cause she moved to tx from wii i said no it's austin and wisconsin is a state not a city she said oh thanks we were high school freshmen how just how you live their girl i worked in a pizza restaurant when i was 16. they had a pizza they called a ufo pizza it was just another slab of dough on top of a regular pizza and it made it look like an orb hence the name one day a guy that worked there was writing down a telephone order turns around and says hey guys how do you spell you for the owner look mortified and just repeated yahooy fog he stared back in silence for a few moments before it hit him for unknown reasons i'm pretty good at spelling and had two of my not so bright and very stoned friends actually call me on the phone to ask me how to spell a word they were having trouble with the word was of yeah i'm working the it help desk do you guys have any of those wireless internet cables blank stare ensued while i waited for her to understand the request then i said it's already plugged in i worked at a cafe with white mugs crisp white china mugs a woman ordered a dark roast coffee and a green tea to stay and then when i slid them to her she looked saint them and then back at me with big bambi eyes which is can which name all the digits of pi confused i recited a couple of number before trailing off a friend beside me piped up claiming that he could indeed name every single digit q two minutes of him bullshitting his way through pie making appropriate pauses to think or to do some quick mental math before continuing all of this was done with the oscar pointing her phone at him convinced she's got the next viral hit needless to say holding back my laughter was extremely difficult that's easy zero one two three four five six seven eight and nine we just mix em around and repeat em a bunch not the stupidest thing someone has asked but when they were asked to name an inanimate object they looked around the electronic store they were in and said i don't know my finger like dude you picked the only animate object in the whole dang store work in retail guy comes in he looks pretty average has a nice suit nice glasses well kept hair above average i guess he's looking for a particular stock pot that the store carries and i bring him over to where they're kept he begins to stare at the box a deeply troubled look emerges slowly on his face as he places his hand on his chin the box art depicts the potter news with some photoshopped water and the corn cob bobbing out of it this is relevant trust me after about 10 seconds of him staring perplexedly at the box i ask anything else i can help you with he replies sounding confused so this thing can only be used to cook corn i stared blankly at him was he freaking with me his vex demeanor told me no he was indeed concerned about the product's potentially limited use i honestly have no idea how long i was speechless it felt like minutes i couldn't speak no one is that dumb right he eventually says it's okay i'll figure it out from here and continue to gaze at the box in hopes of gleaning the answers to the troubles he had encountered my 20-something daughter asked why we never see squirrel eggs as parent types responded that's because squirrels are mammals and don't lay eggs like birds do to which you responded then show me an infant squirrel breastfeeding squirrel this led to a conversation that was much longer than needed to be you're gonna have a rough time if she ever learns about a platypus while working as a butcher i showed a deli clerk how to break down a whole chicken into pieces i show her two breasts two wings two legs two thighs she looks at me and asks which part does the turkey come from because i am a dwarf i get a lot of hilarious ones but one of my favorites was do you need to get a smaller engine for your car i really wish i could have seen your internal process that led to that question lady surely it's because being smaller means being lighter making the engine give too much torque you'd always wheelie when you hit the gas from a stop not me but an eighth grader foreign exchange student asked our 70-something year old obese grumpy math teacher if she was pregnant she stared at him with a look on her face that said obviously not and you know that you little crap and then the kid followed up with well because you are attractive enough and everything the whole class was silent the teacher stared at him for a minute before turning off the overhead and gave us a short infomercial rundown on menopause followed by so no i am not pregnant the whole time even though she was talking to the class she was staring at the kid while she talked about that was an all-time record for most awkward math class in my book he was trying to get in it people visiting alaska on a cruise would walk onto the dock a dock portrait into the pacific ocean then look up at the mountains and ask what elevation we were at one foot mom you are standing on a dock which is at sea level my experience on an alaskan cruise had a lady complaining to the front desk that it was too cold outside for her kid to swim i had a friend ask me why they aired the 10th anniversary memorial of 9 11 on the 11th i asked him what he meant and he replied why wouldn't they air it on the day it happened i again asked him wtf he was talking about again he responded well 911 happened on the 1st of september didn't it the dumbass forgot what day 9 11 happened on to this day if i ever look down at my phone and see that the time is 9 11 i text him never forget please never stop doing that to him i dated a girl who thought butt stuff could get her pregnant by absorbing a cross she also thought swallowing would make her pregnant she must have thought you had thor strength sperm not me but it's such a dumb question i have to share a classmate of mine in my sophomore year of high school asked my biology teacher something so dumb it's stuck with me for 10 years she was clearly arguing with someone in the back of the class and my teacher finally stopped them and asked what was going on now this girl was known to everyone as a bit of a dunce but this was astounding she looked at my teacher with this smug butt smirk and said can you settle this argument for us since you're a science teacher a biologist doesn't study biology right these guys keep trying to tell me they do my teacher went wide-eyed and had to leave the room for what felt like five minutes this girl already said a lot of really stupid stuff in the six years i went to school with her but this was the one that always stuck out to me a girlfriend of a friend of mine asked i wonder what it was like before color this chick thought the world was black and white not film i wear glasses and remember when i was 18 being asked by a friend if when i took them off everything was black and white for some reason they thought that as your eyesight got worse your ability to see color also disappeared the scene meeting some new people in a college class i introduce myself hi i'm love is legally blind new classmate don't you mean different name that sounds a little like mine me number he thinks it's time to double down are you sure why not me because that's not what my parents named me like what who corrects someone on their own name i have a somewhat unusual name people misspell it or mispronounce it all the time but this was special an administrator at school mistook me for another asian classmate and refused to believe me when i corrected him yeah dude i really really wanted to attend this dumb orientation twice so i snuck back in under a different name not asked but my mom straight up said we should drive to puto rico so that was interesting [Music] had a lady insist that the lights outside that you don't plug in and don't have batteries were not solar lights she got furious when she asked two more employees who both said solar lights she then described the solar panel on top of those decorative garden lights and demanded a manager who also told her solar lights you should have sold her the geothermal ones you know the ones with a spike five kilometers long i worked in a sub shop for many years i had a guy look at me and asked me how big a 12-inch sub is i just looked at him and said 12 inches he just nodded and said okay like i had just imparted some new and secret knowledge on him a woman asked me if gorilla glue was made from real gorillas i laughed at first but she was serious she told me she was vegan and wouldn't use the product if it was made with real gorillas i've said this one before but i'm a submarine pilot and i give tours of coral reef this gets asked far more than i expected or ever wanted but when we're sitting 100 feet down below in nothing but sand people have asked is that snow not really a question more of a suggestion okay so i'm a tall african-american male athletic build and i like to wear pea coats one night while leaving dinner i was walking to the car a man was looking in the cab of his truck and the door was preventing me from opening the door to the passenger side of my friend's car i said excuse me he then offered me his wallet with his eyebrows raised i looked at him in astonishment and said i don't want you wallet i want you to close your door he did i got in my friend's car told them what happened my friends now call me the peacoat bandit freaking santa barbara grandmother once was doing a crossword puzzle turns to me and asks what is edgar allan poe's middle name she asked so earnestly that it made me think that edgar allan poe had another middle name after i haltingly replied alan she realized she had answered her own question we still bring it up occasionally if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Studios

Views: 45,649

Rating: 4.76267 out of 5

Keywords: dumbest people on the internet, dumbest people ever, dumbest people, dumbest people in the world, #updootst, updoot, updoot reddit, updoot everything, reddit on tap, toadfilms, pewdiepie, reddit, askreddit, funny reddit, reddit stories, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, r/, r/askreddit, top posts of r/, askreddit reading, best reddit posts, top posts of all time, people of reddit, askreddit question, ask reddit, subreddit, sub, reddit stories 2021

Id: nkevWtu7oEs

Length: 237min 10sec (14230 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 24 2021