Funniest/Weirdest/Best Parents Stories of Reddit (3 Hour Compilation)

parents of reddit what's the funniest reason you've been called into school to collect your child i was called to collect my son when he was in first grade because he was being disrespectful to his classmates they wouldn't explain my son told me that jeffrey pantsed him that makes no sense about an hour later the light bulb went on you didn't wear underwear today did you nope i was called in because the elementary school was going on a field that my son forgot to give me the permission slip for he decided to give forgery a whirl this was in first grade so the handwriting was awful he also signed my name mom my wife and her father's names both start with the same letter a while back he saw her signature and commented that it looked a lot like his so she said that's because i forged your signature so much in school i got a phone call earlier this year from the school nurse saying she was concerned because my son had passed out while in the lunch line i went to pick him up and he seemed a little dazed but okay my kid couldn't remember anything about what happened beforehand so i made an appointment with his pediatrician for an hour later right as we were getting ready to leave he sheepishly said mom i just remembered that right before i passed out we were playing a game to see who could turn their face the reddest but so my kid had me thinking he had a brain tumor but no he just held his breath until he passed out and not a single other kid thought they should mention that to the teacher thanks for the gold in my senior year of hospital i was nearly not allowed to graduate and my family was called because i forged my own name by writing him the guardian section of a permission slip i was 18. my kid got some huge trouble in kindergarten a girl told the teacher he said the s word he lost recess they called me it was a big deal i went to pick him up and said so what the s word and he stared at his shoes and whispered sexy yeah confirmed by the little tattletail all of this was caused by sexy funniest one i've ever heard my kids surprisingly well behaved at school was a parent having to come get their kid after they were caught selling imaginary friends to the younger students for one dollar a piece that kid's gonna become a business mogul someday i made the mistake of telling my step-daughter about the professor i had in college that we knew never read our papers so it turned into a class game to fit ridiculous sentences and bad jokes into the middle of them to see if we'd ever get caught she apparently decided that was an amazing thing to do and i got called for a phone conference because she turned in a history paper that was chock full of awful puns that were not appreciated as a teacher i would have definitely enjoyed marking this work and lucky with the audience my mother was called to pick me and my twin sister out because we were turning blue i think it was fourth grade we felt fine though it was only after she arrived that we all remembered she had put brand new blue flannel sheets on our bed the night before apparently she hadn't washed them first i got banned form wearing my favorite yellow shirt to school because the public health nurse kept thinking i had yellow jaundice it did not bleed dion to me i was so white that the color reflected onto my skin [Music] my little brother likes cheese and mustard sandwiches so my mom made him cheese and mustard sandwiches for lunch when the teacher asked why he didn't have any meat on his sandwich he said either we can't afford meat or my mom doesn't let me or something like that whatever he said was enough to send cps over to the house another time he came to school saying that his mom loved coke that his mom said she is addicted to coke cps was called a game they lived in a different area this time coca-cola my mom couldn't go a day without a coke so she joked that she was addicted to coke i do see the irony that she was actually addicted to a drug just not the one cps was worried about i got a call that my son was sick and that i had to come pick him up he was completely fine that morning i asked the nurse he really can't go back to class and she said he says he's really sick fine i picked him up and on the walk home i asked what was up he said he had to fart really badly and didn't want to do it in class i laughed and said okay two days later i get another call to pick him up so i got him and it was for the same reason i told him that it was funny once but that from now on if he needed to fart in class he should go to the bathroom lol farting at home is best fart daycare had to talk to the director because my son three or four told another kid i'm gonna ref you up turns out he was singing bruno mars uptown funk you up so as a non-native speaker i believe that i'm gonna freak you up with the actual lyrics for many years my youngest had a slight speech impediment when he was at nursery he would replace his s's with f's to approximate the sound i had to have a chat with the head at pick up time because i'd unthinkingly used the phrase so long suckers when pulling away from some traffic lights the day before and he liked the sound of it so much he used it himself my youngest mix is p with t at the end of words i haven't been called to get him from daycare he's too but it's hard to stifle my laughter sometimes especially as there is a little toy sheep at his daycare that he wants this little toy sheep causes him to exclaim my crap as he rushes to get it my professor cited my mom because she said i was writing too slow and turned my test in right as the bell rang my mom had to leave work early to hear about her child writing slow the reason i was writing slow was because on my last test i was docked points for handwriting so this time i made sure i had the perfect most fanciest handwriting that teacher had ever seen after that the teacher stopped docking me points due to handwriting when i went to school cursive was mandatory from third grade onwards if your work wasn't in cursive it wasn't marked consequently i now have crappy cursive handwriting that was in elementary school early years the principal called us and looked at us with a stern look of disapproval while telling us our son was using bad language i then proceeded to explain to her that my wife and i only spoke french at home and we did not have television the only english our son had ever heard was at school so i asked her what she was going to do about it it was one of the shortest conversations i ever had with the principal literally pardoned my french i was the kid and i was in third grade i climbed on a tree not even that high and then i wanted to climb down a teacher who hated me saw me and told me to stay there and not to move i told her it's no problem for me to come down she insisted i stayed there and turned around to call the fire brigade to get me down i had enough and climbed down anyway and then she called my mom because it was my fault the fire brigade was called for no reason the real reason was you stopped her from meeting that hot fireman she dreamed of at night i was in an early morning college class and when i got out i realized i had missed calls texts and emails from my daughter's preschool a voicemail said she had been throwing up and to please hurry and come get her when i got to the school the receptionist showed me to a room where my daughter was sat with a trash can on her lap she told me my daughter kept announcing she was throwing up and then would cough and spit into the trash can she had no fever and was otherwise cheerful and talkative i signed her out got her outside and into my car where she jumped forward and kissed my cheek and told me she missed me and where would i like to go for lunch that kid busted herself out of preschool to finagle a lunch date with me it worked dang right it did my son went to a private catholic school from first grade through eighth grade i had a nun call me one day because my son and a friend were having a peeing for distance contests in the bathroom and then another day i was called because my son was looking to see if the dictionary had the word penis in it both incidents were in the third grade he was merely identifying his weapon of choice in the distance contest when i was in seventh grade i was an office runner basically if your reading and writing skills were above a certain level they'd let you skip reading class and just work in the office getting kids whose parents had come for them delivering messages that sort of thing anyway the kid next to me just wouldn't shut the frick up he kept rattling on and on and on and i'd had enough of it i had a monster fart brewing so i cocked my leg locked eyes with him told him to shut his mouth and farted on him or at least that was the plan instead i cocked my leg locked eyes with him told him to shut his mouth and completely crap my pants in the most glorious fashion this wasn't a little nugget this was a full pants load of chocolate pudding then ran down my leg and made a little puddle on the floor everything in the office goes dead silent and there's no mistaking what's just happened the kid just stared at me with absolute horror in his eyes without looking away from him i raised my hand and said miss off his lady's name i don't remember i think i need to call my mom i went home took a bath threw the pants away and came back the next day the kid was seated on the opposite side of the room from me and i never had a problem with him again he feared and respected me from the non the ultimate power move my dad got sent to the principal's office for telling his sixth grade teacher she was pronouncing the state capital of south dakota pierre wrong but she kept saying pierre two syllables like the french name and he said it was pier one syllable like what you fish off of he was sent off for not respecting a teacher's authority my grandma had to drive to school to talk to the teacher and principal and says did you ask why he says it peer because if you did you'd find out that both his father and i are from south dakota he visits his grandparents and aunts and uncles in south dakota every summer he knows plenty of people from south dakota who all say pier do you know anyone from south dakota no well take it from a south dakotan its peer were not fancy french people and stopped wasting my time my son 14 8th grade during class change walked into the boy's bathroom put his hands over his head and while thrusting his hips in a humping motion told all the other boys in the room to protect your buttholes gentlemen here i come the funniest part about it all that exact same description was jotted down on the right up slip even the principal couldn't stop laughing holy heck that's funny my daughter hid inside of a toy box for hours in preschool and the teachers couldn't find her lol she's going to be my wild child when i was in second grade i had a shirt that we got as a hand down from a friend of my mom's with braille on the front apparently no one ever took the time to figure out what it said but there was a translator key on the sleeve so i sat down and translated the word on the front one letter at a time while in class f u c k o f f oh my i said i knew this was a bad word so i told my teacher and apologized i wasn't in trouble but my parents were called and asked to come bring in a new shirt while i waited in the office my principal thought it was hilarious apparently we had a classmate who was partially blind i'm unsure if she had vision enough to see my shirt but she did no braille i believe that is one of the reasons i had to wait in the office though i'd like to imagine a seven-year-old saying that like an elderly woman seeing something risque not a parent but as a kid when i got pokemon yellow i was so goddang into it that when we went out for lunch one day at school i got inside this huge bush that was practically hollow inside it was among a load of other large bushes and trees at the side of the school field and rarely ever was entered by students because we weren't really allowed so i sat there for hours playing pokemon and when i came out it was 3pm school closed at 3.30 i had been in there since 12.30 and my mother was at the school and was freaking out because she thought they'd let me leave the school alone i got called on my work cell several times right out of college to come to a local high school because my 14 year old son was in trouble i don't have a son and if i had a son it would be very impressive if he was 14 years old then because i would have had to conceive him when i was nine i told them that they kept calling finally i showed up at the high school to prove that i at 23 year old white guy was not the father of the 14 year old indian boy the assistant principal was like oh right not gonna lie i did that in high school they asked us to fill contact forms and i just gave a random phone number because i didn't want them calling home for skipping class my mom told me that when my brother was in grade school she got the call to pick him up for a day's suspension turned out that during lunch he opened his lunchbox and pulled out a can of fosters it was empty and it was meant to be a joke but the school didn't see it that way he was nine and right at the start of a decade-long mission to raise heck i got a call to pick up my daughter in kindergarten because she had no underwear she had them on when i put her on the bus so i have no idea what happened totally embarrassing oh my i have four kids all adults now who are pretty high spirited back in the day my oldest son however wins the prize from an incident in sixth grade i got a call one afternoon and he had been sent to the principal's office nothing new there and i needed to come get him at once although he had mooned the second graders all of them and their teachers not me but a classmate of a co-worker sent everyone home once many years ago he nicked decent bit of elemental potassium from the chemistry lab and dropped it down the sewer access pipe outside the school this was not good for the school's plumbing city had to dig up the sidewalk to repair things not me but my sister she got a call from her son's very catholic school that he needed to be picked up she gets to the school and the principal said that he had to ho home for the day because he peed on the tree outside at recess he really laid into her about how they had to bleach the tree seriously they poured bleach on the tree because a little kid peed on it and it was terrible and how she shouldn't be teaching her son these things my sister looked him straight in the eye and asked do you really think i have the right plumbing to have taught him that yell at my husband when he comes in next time bleaching trees has got to be one of the better things i've heard today me when i was a kid we moved from middle america to the west coast i had extra sounds in a lot of my words they called my mom about my speech impediment after talking to my mom they understood it was not a soch impediment but my birth sound language it is washington not washington my mom says washing machine and i always ask her how to spell that it's funny now but wasn't at the time one day i was called to pick up my daughter from school i asked wyan was vaguely told she had been caught cheating was being disrespectful to the teacher and had destroyed government property police i thought what has she done my mind instantly went through scenarios in which she had cheated on a test got caught then my sweet little seven-year-old had cursed the teacher while throwing something through a window i got to the school found my scared daughter in the principal's office looking totally dejected and asked for an explanation i discovered the cheating was that she had giggled while playing a game where someone was it and the other half of the classroom had to guess who it was the disrespecting teacher was from her crossing her arms when she was being told how she wrecked the game the best was the explanation for destroying government property during story time she was picking at loose carpet threads i was extremely angry with my daughter the whole drive from work and after this load of w t f it instantly transferred to anger with the school you called me here because she giggled crossed her arms and picked an old nasty carpet i was hot and took my daughter home letting her know i was a bit upset with her but let her know that there would be no more punishment she'd been through enough we went home and watched cartoons and i made her favorite grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch crap like this is precisely why parents side with their kids so much we all went through school we know the most likely teachers to kick up a fuss the ones who are a problem themselves not a parent but my sister once convinced half of her pre-k class to drop their pants in front of their vice principal i don't even remember why i think they wanted more recess i received a call from the vp of my daughter's school one day while i was at work i could tell the vp was holding back her laughter but she tried to remain professional hello your daughter acted out in class today the children were switching from coloring to redding at the carpet she threw her crayons down and pointedly said to the teacher are you freaking kidding me my knee jerk reaction was damn it are you freaking killing me it is clear where she learned this from my second thought was dang i have a kid in junior kindergarten that knows how to use that phrase in a correct form the following year the vp is no longer at the school we attend similar social group and talk often she loves to tell me that making that phone call was one of the funniest calls she has had to make as an educator my dad was called to the school when i was in grade one apparently i'd been caught with my hand in a girl's pants and has in mine while in class nephew is staying with me for two months i showed him dexter's laboratory for the first time next day they call me to pick him up because he would only say omelet do fromage to any interaction someone should have mocked him with that's all you can say it would have stopped him i too was the child i peed on my friend in fifth grade we were competing in who could pee the furthest back from the urinal when a buddy of mine decided to run underneath it for laughs hand slipped peed down his back sent to the principles my four-year-old teacher told me he had repeatedly called her and butthole she had taken something away from him and said that's all every time she came near him he said that's all to her knowing him he probably he used the same tone of voice she had used and she was a nasty piece of work when my eldest was in seventh grade i was called to school and told he was sharing inappropriate photos with his friends he had torn pictures from magazines of classic nude artwork when i asked my son where he found the pictures he told me magazines in the school library i asked the school why they were supplying my son with smut and they got all pissy apparently i was supposed to discipline my child not laugh at the school system unicorn club so my daughter was in fifth grade she was proving to be pretty responsible so she was allowed to have a cell phone because she was home about an hour before i was on weekdays and an instagram account that i heavily monitored we never had any issues still haven't and she's now in high school well i get a call from her school's principal one day he tells me two boys were fist fighting in the lunch room i asked what that had to do with my daughter well apparently my child had used an instagram account to start what was essentially a cult called unicorn club unicorns were obviously the worship deity with goats being the devil figure to the unicorn gods these two boys got into a fist fight over whether unicorns or goats were better i had to pick her up to prevent further disputes and disband unicorn club tl dr my 10 years old daughter created a small cult around unicorn worship i can respect this not me but my co-worker at the time the school called her one day to come pick up a five-year-old daughter for threatening to murder the teacher her daughter had gotten in trouble for talking when the teacher put her in timeout she said if you put me in time out my daddy is going to come here and murder you turns out my co-worker lives on a farm where they butcher pigs when it was time to butcher a pig her dad would say gonna go murder a pig which is where she picked it up when they asked her what she thought that word meant she said you know murder it they go away and you get a new one so she thought she could get her daddy to come out and replace the teacher with a new teacher and that was what the word murder meant this is cute serious people with religious extremist parents what was it like growing up had an exorcism in the living room once also didn't get all my vaccines and now i don't know what i'm at risk for since those tests to see what vaccines you've had are so expensive oh making friends was awkward in grade school because i couldn't watch the shows listen to the music they did some of my earliest memories are driving with my whole family in the suburban and my dad telling us all that the great christian persecution was going to begin soon and we all needed to be prepared for them to take us away from him and my mom and how terrible it would be he got very into y2k prepping as well and i remember calling my friends and telling them to believe in jesus because the world was going to end and we needed to all be ready i also remember being confused as to why i didn't have any good friends middle school was pretty rough for me i fully blamed my childhood church for my anxiety whole lot of messages like that directed at a mostly adult audience but it rubbed off a little too well on me and now i still get jumpy when i hear a vaguely trumpet sounding car horn i moved a thousand km to get away from them it was terrible i remember getting into an argument when i was 15 with my parents about how crappy my life was i had no time for friends because i'd wake up go to school come home do dishes then homework then chop wood for two hours clean the floors maintain the fire in the wood stove etc it was like -30 c and i'd have to basically take care of my parents make them coffees and teas make them food keep the fire warm for them it was the only means of heating that we had neither one worked they just sat for 16 hours a day on their computers smoking five packs a day between them staining the entire inside of the house yellowish brown i used to get bullied in school for smelling like smoke anyways they were bragging about their conservative parenting skills being superior etc i just said something to my dad along the lines of get off your high horse one of the few times i ever talked back he just shoved me as hard as he could and stormed out yelling and swearing used to get beat and yelled at all the time so that was nothing tbh it was awful i burned my hands and arms occasionally in the wood stove stoking the fire and my mum used to say things like if you think that's painful just imagine the torture that's ahead of you if you don't respect your parents she literally said this to me too god will make it so that i'll forget that you ever existed when you go to heck and i go to heaven because god takes care of mothers people have read it i crap you not this happened considering their behavior god would not even doubt a second to send them on a bullet train to heck i'd hear my mom constantly complaining that how i am not religious and ashamed to the family occasionally there is even a comment about how me not being religious is the reason to my parents health being bad when i was young my mom was cautious with who i was friends with people practicing not a religion were a strict no no i have a friend since college and my mom constantly worries that i am going to convert when i stopped going to church my mom would break out into tears while pleading with me to go back manipulative crap i was always under my parents watch they were helicopter parents so that i couldn't do anything against our religion i was always the weird kid because my clothing had to be appropriate and anyone that wasn't our religion i had to try to convince them to come to our church or what was the point of being friends with them women weren't equal and we were told that everything we were doing was practicing to be a good wife and mother someday and that it was our true calling and nothing else mattered if we plan to go to college that was great because it could help us teach our children sundays were for church only or church related activities no tv no playing outside etc we were just normal enough that we thought we were normal until we grew up and realized that we didn't have any self-esteem or value in ourselves without the church giving us our worth and value i'm still trying to detox and to find ways to raise my kids because i know i don't want to raise them like i was but i also don't know the right way to raise them any other way and i fall into the pattern of being like my parents i lack sentiment in any form and i'm almost entirely incapable of love if somebody hurts me i automatically sever our relationship in my head and it's like i never knew them i grew up incredibly vulnerable to conspiracy theories because facts didn't matter i grew up with no sense of empathy because the church told me what and how to feel about all things i grew up with no self-confidence because i was expected to be perfect and could not be i grew up with extreme self-loathing because if i wasn't happy it's because i wasn't close enough to god depression was my own fault because i wasn't close enough to god illness was my own fault because i wasn't close enough to god if i have financial pain it's because i'm not close enough to god now that i'm almost 30 i've left that cesspool of lies and i'm learning how to be a human who feels empathy sees facts and is capable of love it's freaking hard this will probably be buried but my mother was raised a christian scientist it's the religion that doesn't use any medical intervention and followers are just supposed to pray when they're sick my mom had polio as a child and received no medical intervention not wanting her children to receive the same treatment she always took us to the doctor and we had all our vaccinations but we were never supposed to mention this to a member of the church i think this made me believe all religion was hypocritical bulls anyway she left the church when i was probably 11 years old because she developed some serious health issues and needed medical attention she was essentially shunned from the christian science church and spent a decade looking for a new church she remained very religious until her death but didn't understand why her children were never involved with religion i would just like to say it's farcical that one of the most unscientific branches of christianity calls themselves christian scientists as much fun as having someone tell you the world not only was going to end very soon but that its destruction would be a good thing could be i guess fun fact people in politics believe this and make policy expecting this belief to hold true wasn't allowed to watch star wars or et because demons were going to manifest during armageddon and will look like the characters from films and children wouldn't be scared of them i grew up believing jesus was going to come back any moment and take the church and we had to be right with god or we wouldn't be taken i spent a lot of my childhood muttering apologies to jesus for my thoughts and actions just in case i had the rare combo of religious extremist academics 1. being told to read the bible and then write an essay on the passage i just read 2 church every sunday morning and wednesday nights three constant chores four older siblings that bullied the heck out of me because i'm smaller and weaker and the bible teaches a lot of violence 5. getting your mouth washed out with soap if you try to retaliate against your siblings 6. being repeatedly belted for things you didn't do because your siblings thought it was funny to tell on you so that you'd be belted 7. not allowed to watch cartoons or the disney channel because they are demonic eight watching science documentaries instead realizing everything i was taught is bulls and becoming an atheist now entering the years of 14 plus nine never complain if you complain about anything then it's your fault 10. never get caught strict parents don't create good kids they create kids that don't tell them things and know how to sneak 11. don't invite your friends over because your parents will spend an hour preaching to them 12. not having a close relationship with your parents because you don't feel comfortable talking to them 13. having a diagnosed ad until halfway through college because your parents thought it didn't exist he's a boy they aren't made to just sit and learn worst part about this my mom has a phd specialized in child counseling with me being the way i am she should have never gotten her license there's more i just feel like i've written enough basically it's freaking terrible and i'm jealous of anyone that actually gets along well with their parents what amazes me is she managed to get a phd amd keeper beliefs intact well i was never allowed inside the house of my childhood best friend because he had two moms and my parents didn't want that normalized you definitely don't want a kid thinking it's normal to have two loving accepting parents i couldn't go to dances or any sort of secular party went to church three times a week and anytime the doors were open i could only have friends that were in our church and then half of them weren't approved of i couldn't date until i was 16 and then only girls in the church one stroke two of which weren't approved off i couldn't listen to rock music which in adulthood made me an expert on rock music i love the little happy touch at the end it's so juxtaposed against the entire post for me it was only my mom who was religious jw she converted a few years after my parents had me so my dad had no idea how bad it was going to be no holidays or friends for me growing up i remember freshman year of high school i wanted to hang out with some kids after school my mom was not having it and drove around town to find me it was humiliating and she openly disapproved them because of how they dressed she didn't want me hanging out with the wrong crowd because it would stray me further from god after that i just stopped bothering trying to make friends last outside of school my childhood memories were mainly hearing my parents arguing threatening divorce because my dad was unhappy and hated that our family couldn't do most things like birthdays christmas halloween etc i'm pretty sure their sex life was depressing too because sex was only to procreate and it had to be missionary she openly hates homosexuals and is very judgmental she has exploded on me and given me silent treatments due to my choice of hair color and fashion my dad also lost a lot of his friends just like me i'm 26 now and they're still together but i know they're still struggling like they did when i was five i'm sorry you went through that i was looking for fellow xjws in this thread i just left in june i was mostly raised in it didn't think badly of it till two years ago but i tried to justify it after being out i can't believe how fricked up that religion is and that i was a part of it i hope you're doing better now not my parents so much as my grandparents but my parents carried on the traditions for most of my life no shows or movies with talking animals encourages friendship with demons women wear ankle-length skirts dresses don't cut their hair keep their hair in a tight modest bun for church or any time they wear it up purity promises and rings at the start of puberty women do not work outside the home unless absolutely necessary when my brother got outed as gay my grandmother nearly tried to exorcise the devil out of him church was cult like youth group was a brainwashing session i've been made to read the bible multiple times over as my homework instead of real schooling i am an atheist now undoubtedly because of how religion was forced down my throat past my tears growing up i've had to learn not to hate every religion or religious person i come across my years at church broke my sense of self-worth and my moral compass until very recently i remember my father didn't talk to me and i only ate breakfast for two months after coming out of closet and saying i am bisexual it is illegal to underfeed your child let the beatings commence spanked paddled whipped and beating for minor offenses that's why i joined the military was to get away from that nonsense when i was 15 i started working at a camp that was 2.5 hours away from home they provided shelter food and utilities for the entire summer the beds weren't comfortable the food was met the shelter was more like a poorly thrown together shack and they only paid 110 a week but still that was far better than being near my family for the whole summer i don't know how extremist or fanatical my parents were but we were the church every sunday wearing your sunday best in the front pew kind of family there were also the extra trips to church for ash wednesday monday thursday twice and good friday as well as saturday and of course easter and christmas they definitely had some sense of superiority like every other person of any other religion or denomination were poor fools that won't get to heaven they also believed in keeping the races separate and that gays shouldn't marry my dad completely flipped his crap and stopped at nothing to try to keep my wedding to my jewish wife from happening to the point that we hired security for the wedding they believe that mixed marriages never work my and i are 13 years strong so far my dad also swore that he would make sure any child of ours would know that it's not okay to be jewish i'm sure there's more but it's not coming to mind right now needless to say i cut off all contact with my family because of this terrifying in retrospect but i didn't realize it at the time you just start to think that all the bulls that's going on around you is normal and then when you start meeting people in the real world outside of the religious bubble you slowly start realizing how fricked up everything was grew up in a non-denominational christian church the resemblance it had to occult didn't really dawn on me till i was older probably 14 16 my parents were the stereotypical helicopter parents watched our every move put screen mirroring apps on the very first cell phone we were ever given at age 16 shaming the heck out of us for what they would find on our phones talking to our secret girlfriends etc our church was full of families with seven plus children the largest family having 12 kids and single mom the dad was in jail for molesting some of the eldest girls out of a population of about 5 600 me and my sister were the only kids enrolled in public school because mom was a school teacher as a teenager life was absolutely miserable around the age of 14 i decided i hated christianity and the absolute perversion and abuse of power this church was capable of inflicting upon me one suicide attempt and psych war trip later around the age of 16 i decided i was done with the church punishing me i decided if i couldn't escape my parents house physically then i would escape it mentally this led me to start using drugs of any sort i started drinking cough medicine and smoking weed fast forward a few months i started chemistry and synthesized multiple plant derived psychedelics in my room this led me to overdose and panic and have a second psych ward trip after the church hears of this they expelled me from the congregation they also expelled multiple people for being gay and all sorts of other lovely things long term i'm now almost 21 and i'm not gonna lie i have a substance problem i think there's some very deep emotional scarring i'll never be able to completely deal with i'm trying to stop my substance abuse issue and turn my life around for the better but after being so bright in high school i feel like a [ __ ] now from all of the oxies my goal now is to go to trade school and get certified in welding hopefully make a pretty okay life for myself i wanted to go to college but i have a few drug charges on my record so i've pretty much abandoned hope of an easy future i know i freaked out my life a lot i'll be honest it's hard i think about suicide often but i want to give life one last clean try for i abandon all hope if it doesn't work out and i wind up homeless i do plan to kill myself i'd rather be dead than homeless sending you the best vibes i'm so sorry please take care of yourself listen to my parents tell my sister that they rather her be addicted to h than be gay after they caught her with her girlfriend ro absolutely lovely that grew up hardcore mormon i'd like to stress that my childhood isn't as common for other mormon kids most of the time mormons are fairly understanding and loving to their kids but the mormon culture does promote the mentality my parents had when i was growing up i wasn't punished like some others here i was spanked and experienced the belt but that isn't why i have some psychological problems now the real punishment was shame from the earliest age i can remember around six i was told that i was lazy and i was p my life away this was the strongest language my father would use when i first heard the word sex around 11 i looked it up on the family computer i was a pervert from then on and had to talk to the bishop every month for a checkup heck in every school i went to my parents told school counselors that i wasn't allowed on computers because i might look up pictures of naked women i never did this this is just the sparknotes version but i internalized the shame being so young i just accepted that i was what my father called me and hated myself for it i was a lazy failure you're a six i was a pervert at eleven it didn't stop me from doing any of the things i was doing before i just learned to fear my father's footsteps as if it was the devil himself walking down the hallway i lived my life in the brief intervals between punishments i am still not beyond this at 24 years old oh where to start spankings there were borderline beatings for every offence i wasn't allowed to talk back at all asking why was talking back i spent my entire childhood believing that all my problems were because i didn't love god enough when i was nine i was convinced that if i didn't shape up god was going to kill me so i spent six months being a perfect angel but also living in constant terror just completely convinced that if i did one thing wrong lightning would blow me off the planet last thing i'll mention is how my parents wouldn't feed me as a child if i talked back many many nights i was sent home with no food for the most minor of infractions finishing a chore a minute or two late they have largely turned things around and even apologized for some of these actions but i still have no interest in talking to them my parents used to flick my lip when i'd ask why i literally just was a curious seven-year-old like geez six alcohol smoke and everything funny is a sin so basically this was my childhood now i'm a teen and guess what nothing changed other than the constant reminders of the devil's influence on every single thing we thought and did and being told we would go to heck for eternal damnation if we didn't follow this singular path it was fairly average i have a friend before we had helped relocate his mother is very religious and saw us like demons for him he thought we were pushing him into vice she wanted to protect him from us during the move she had hidden small figurines of jesus in the boxes one very religious parents we have to abstain from eating onions meat and garlic for nine days twice a year two my parents always think that their religion is the best they sometimes criticize other religions at three the thing homosexuality is a sin four my mother wants me to stop eating non-vegetarian food after i get married five i'm only allowed to eat non-veg on sunday friday and saturday six my mother frowns when i tell her that i don't believe in god i had a fair-sized collection of early edition yu-gi-oh cards as a kid after coming home for a visit i find them to be missing turns out they were burned because they could be used to summon demons comma could be used to summon demons well yes but actually no i have a friend with super christian adopted parents she is a lesbian leaning b girl and her parents are super condemning about it she's christian too but it goes to the point that her parents don't let her watch horror movies or let boys into her room when she has made it clear she basically only likes girls she is currently to the point that she ranted about her whole situation to me and it sounded like she's going down a suicidal path she also has her phone controlled by her parents it's set up so that they are notified with every app download she has a screen time limit that shuts off her phone automatically she has apps required for school like google docs and google classroom on a time limit they also read all her text messages all of this as far as i am aware is to prevent her from singing on her phone i still feel a lot of shame about my body and about having sex and i'm almost 27 years old and married i still feel like i can't really tell my parents anything about my life that's at all personal because i feel like they'll either judge me and guilt me about sin in my life or they'll give me their standard advice just pray about it i don't think they'll ever really know anything about me i sympathize with this just pray about it is all i get out of my parents too and it's very frustrating to want to have a relationship but also being unable to talk to them about anything because they don't listen or have helpful input i wouldn't say i'm going to be as extreme a case as others but i feel looking back it could be pretty rough my dad was deeply religious and was devoted to his faith every morning he was up to watch pastor arnold murray read the bible all the time had a strong's concordance all pretty normal things we weren't actually church goers something about the temple of man being corrupt as i started to form my own opinions the vehement faith started to become more aggressive justification of hatred towards gays from the bible i was interested in a mixed race girl in high school and was told i needed to be equally yoked which was apparently a roundabout way of saying stick to my race i think the most frustrating thing was that every worldly topic was tied to christianity wanna talk about politics well you know obama is a horn of the umpteenth seal and will bring in this new era of chaos talk about gas prices well the lord will provide and will get us through this gas price increase it became impossible to have a conversation needless to say i'm an atheist now i truly envy anyone who can have a faith i wonder what that warm feeling is they get or what it's like to feel so strongly about something intangible it'd be nice to feel as if something was always on my side my mom was and always has been very passive she knows my father has since passed away my wife's parents are like this too only the catholic version so it's still an ongoing frustration the conversation thing is so frustrating it's hard to have a relationship with someone who has no meaningful input and makes no effort to participate in the relationship turning everything to religion isn't helpful at all redditers who grew up with shady criminal parents what did your mom or dad teach you was okay to do that you later learned was illegal or seriously frowned upon serious my blood father was a drug dealer and he often came home with some really nifty stuff i later found out it was stuff he got from people who didn't have cash on them but still wanted to buy i think the thing i feel most guilty about was a game boy advance i was given that we'd either only have for a little while or have forever when he said that it was usually forever it had a heap of games with it and i went through and started new games on all of them erasing the existing save files well he took it back after about a month so i guess whoever it was paid up and i feel really sorry for their kid mummy or daddy was an addict and used their game boy advance as collateral and when they got it back all their saves were gone i was only a kid at the time and didn't really know the context in which i was handed the thing but i know it belonged to a kid since there were quite a few young child learning game cartridges alongside mario and pokemon dang if we were at home and they yelled pigs we were to hide behind the couch and be silent if we were in the car and they yelled pigs we had to crawl into the floorboard and not move a muscle i was kidnapped in grade three by my dad's supplier he held us for two days we had no idea my sister and i met him before lots of times when he showed up at school and said our parents were on vacation and to go with him we did they had soda and aureus and a puppy and a sega genesis and it was the best weekend of my life found out 20 years later when my mom was complaining about never having had a vacation in her life i reminded her of that vacation and she said you idiot you were kidnapped oh cool ro at least the kidnapping drug dealers were nice to you i mean i knew it was illegal but probably growing all the cannabis when i was a kid dad was gonna die of cancer so he wanted to leave us some money it was like diet breaking bad i'm sorry but that last sentence cracked me up not my parents but a friend's dad gave us some solid advice that i always remembered remember boys don't break the law when you're breaking the law it applies in so many ways for example don't run a stop sign when you've got weed in the car or don't speed if your inspection is out of date or don't get the police called for a noise complaint if you've had a beer while underage he was a shady guy but oddly wise in many ways shady guys that actually make it to middle or old age have the best advice to give because it's based on experience i'd much rather listen to a gangster than a priest the priest bit is a whole other discussion my mom and dad are trained artists and teachers and they would frequently counterfeit things like parking permits coupons doctor's notes etc it was wild my teacher stepdad made me a counterfeit student and so i could keep getting student buffers after i graduated la mayo my mom was a drug dealer there are so many things i could list but i'm on my phone so just a few things off the top of my head smoking pot when i was about four i chased my mom through the woolworth's drugstore screaming mommy mommy you dropped your joint don't you want your joint she hurried faster shushing me and i got a big talking to that afternoon snorting coke i was in the second grade when i got sent to the principal's office for teaching my friends how to make lines with salt and use part of a milk straw to snort it my mom was really pee don't talk to cops or any straight people i didn't know why at first but i lived in terror of straight people i got congratulations for making it through fbi questioning when i was probably six years old when they raided our land swat teams are scary boobs are good for smuggling cleaning out stems and seeds is a fun summer job don't say anyone's name on the phone those are just a few things i immediately recall ooh i forgot to add how every now and then people in our circle of friends would move far away for a while and change names and we weren't ever allowed to call them by their old names my mom also made us believe that morphine was an excellent pain reliever for all ages i mean morphine does work as an excellent pain reliever my dad was a tow truck driver and he would always bring me little presents as a kid that he got out of people's tower cars as far as i knew if someone knew their car was going to get to they took everything they wanted out of it and the rest was fair game my dad was investigated by the fbi for racketeering but they were unable to press charges on him he was also sued by a major financial entity for racketeering as well anyways when i was a teenager my dad had a lawsuit brought against him by multiple employees for unpaid overtime and he ordered me to go through the boxes upstairs in a warehouse that we had to find all of their time cards the storage area was a disaster papers everywhere no matter how hard i tried i couldn't find them so i told my dad that it was no use the time cards went there my dad then yelled at me telling me that he needed those time cards and said that all of these people were trying to rip him off so if i had to just make up time cards for them so that they were working 40 hours a week with no overtime but don't bother telling him about what i did to get the time cards when i had them i just had to have them for him one way or the other i didn't think much about the last bit until much later but long story short i ended up making time cards that he used for the case he won realized several years later that my dad had used me for forgery and when i confronted him about it he just laughed and said that i was a minor at the time and nobody puts a minor in jail for a white collar crime i've run into some of those employees since then and when they accosted me for being his daughter and how they would want to punch my dad or worse if it was him they ran into i've always confessed this to them ironically enough they have all said that they would punch him on my behalf too because the fact that he used his own door to pee them off even more and about the racketeering thing he loved laughing about that and calling himself a don when i was going to take over the business several years later after the forgery bit his oldest employees gave me loyalty oaths i ran like heck my dad absolutely was a racketeer my boyfriend always talks about the stories of his dad having friends everywhere family would talk about how his now late father had friends no matter where he went in the city and how great that was and no matter where they stopped he would randomly know someone there then as an adult he realized that his dad just had drug dealers everywhere and that's who he was always seeing sounds more like his dad was the dealer users normally don't know dozens of dealers everywhere around dealers do sharp lifting for the most part i mean like she never made us do it but she didn't hide what she was doing either she's the reason model holmes have cameras now lol my dad stole a few things in a sneaky way so my brother and i would have won each in one instance for example he bought a gameboy game he brought it back to the car removed the cartridge and took it back into the store saying the case was empty he did the same thing with those pikachu tamagotchi things i think his biggest deal was a playstation 2. he actually did purchase one my mom went in and picked it up but when leaving the store the door person didn't tear the receipt so my dad took the receipt back in picked up another ps2 stuck the receipt on it and walked out the door person tore the receipt this time but obviously didn't pay attention to the time of sale dad also ran a huge business of installing chips in playstation so they could play copied games he would rent games burn a copy then sell copies to other people we had a whole library and catalog of copied games and dad had quite a few customers looking back i see how dodgy it was and why he told me not to tell too many people about it my family did a lot of petty trashy crime sharp lifting theft domestic assault drugs etc i thought it was normal for adults to just kind of go to jail every few years for a day or two until i was 10 now my stepdad is out of my life my mom is too old ill to do anything particularly bad and my dad may have helped finance a district attorney's election which has saved him mountains and legal fees for himself and the he frequents yes it took me a long time to get over my confusion that not everyone at my school knew all of the police officers by name during the dare program small town not because someone in my family was a cop but because i thought they just showed up at everyone's houses all the time just like me funny how we assume everyone lives similar lives when we are kids i don't know and probably will never know what my parents did however we would leave the house at night time and go drive through certain parks occasionally my parents would panic and tell us to hide we had to crawl onto the floorboard in the back of a tiny book my dad came home with injuries sometimes and my mom always said he fell and finally in that particular town they hated the cops they claimed they were all corrupt maybe they were idk you should listen to the podcast called the clearing it's about a woman who in her 40s realized her dad was a serial killer catching him helped solve some murders and brought some peace to the families involved my dad was a mechanic the ones that stick out was when he will charge for a new replacement part and then go to the local junkyard and get the part from there if the customer asked upfront he would be honest and offer the two options junkyard part equals cheap but likely reliable or new equals expensive and only parts warranty if they didn't ask most of the time it was a junkyard part rarely got in trouble or called out since his prices were a fraction of regular shops oh i guess the other main shady part was that he wasn't a legit certified mechanic and most business was cash under the table his apprentice is now my mechanic and he learned from my dad's mistakes he provides receipts boxes and shows me where he installed the new part and it's always shiny and new minus obvious grease handling installation marks he learned that cleaning before installing is key thanks dad mechanic drugs i had no idea they were illegal until i was a lot older than i should have been to understand they're illegal my father was a grower and distributes to a well-known mc he was a part of we grew up running around pot fields i slept on a couch most of my childhood because all the rooms had been converted in hydroponic setups our roof space was converted into storage where it was garbage bags of weed around 100 150 sqm all stacked on top of each other other stupid crap too apparently owning and registered firearms is illegal you need a driver's license to drive a vehicle it was normal for people in my family to be in and out of jail it was normal for most of my family to have some sort of criminal record we were always taught to not respect cops for example when my dad found weed in my 16 years old sister's car instead of reprimanding her for having it he reprimanded her for how easy it would be for cops to find we were always watching mob movies and my dad would just gush about how classy and cool they were it's just little stuff like that mostly nothing like outrageous my family weren't criminals or in jail at all and fully respected cops but my parents liked pot legal here now woo and my dad also reprimanded me for how easy itdb for cops to find my stash rather than for smoking weed lol pretty much what's already been said have confidence commit to the con and act like you belong scary how effective this is lol admit nothing deny everything demand proof i used to be told everything was okay as long as you don't get caught they kind of said it like a throwaway phrase but i really took it to heart it gave me a real lack of respect for any authority at all and made it seem more like a game than real life consequences i would do illegal crap just to get the rush off wondering and whether or not i'd be caught once i was caught i would just shrug and act like their winning didn't bother me kinda like their punishment was just them gloating about me getting caught this is actually really interesting my husband works with kids who go through some rough times and this explanation of a kids point of view explained so much thanks for sharing a family friend was in the import export business for gemstones i didn't realize it could be illegal to transport gems across borders we would have gem parties where a dining table that can sit 12 would be completely covered in bowls of gems and jewelry to buy same as tupperware parties but for gems some stones my parents got appraised shocked their jeweler super rare colors of different stones that they had never seen before that friend has gone legit owned some mines in africa now hey my grandpa did this my dad and i got pulled aside at customs and had our bags thoroughly searched my dad was confused about us being randomly selected until later in the day when he suddenly was like oh crap it's because pops was a smuggler i never knew we weren't allowed to drink at the local fair mom used to bring beer in a cooler when we went until i was 21 and a cop stopped me when i was walking around with a beer there is a public event that's meant to be alcohol free here they check all your bags going in my aunt premixes gin and tonic and those plastic chinese take out containers adds a slice of lemon and calls it soup the part that makes me laugh is when she sits there on the picnic blanket eating her soup with a spoon so this question brings up a very specific memory my dad never said explicitly that what he was doing was acceptable but he certainly didn't tell me that this was wrong i'm between the ages of five seven unsure about a specific timeline on this and my mom is often working in the evenings while my dad is sporadically around one night while my mom is gone dad gathers me to go for an adventure usually this means driving around the city and looking at stuff well dad pulls up to a hospital and parks he sits with me in the car and gives me a script saying that we recently moved here a lie and that he had hurt his back while moving boxes mega lie i play along because hey it's my dad and sure whatever he says goes any other specifics from that tonight are hazy i think he managed to talk his way into some sort of painkiller prescription this was in the early zeros so opiates weren't as visible as now my dad has been in successful treatment since then but man that's a big memory that stands out for how screwed up my younger life was my dad's no serious criminal but petty in every way including the crime he commits i was basically taught to play dumb act like you belong and you can do whatever you want we snuck into vip lounges other people's buffets and parties at restaurants and events he once liked to eat a caterer at a movie theater and got mad when they couldn't find the tickets he ordered online he had not ordered tickets but there was a huge line and he didn't want to wait we got in for free and cut a huge line also cut lines at disney worlds and other sorts of places quite a few things backstory my bio dad was convicted of murder got away with another murder through claiming self-defense no clue if it was truly self-defense and apparently had a third murder that he never got caught for he would steal constantly from things from people to things inside stores one of my earliest memories is wanting this super cute pink hat i believe i was around eight he put it on my head and told me to walk to the car i remember asking about paying and he said don't worry just walk so little me walks to the outside doors with her heart pounding and then the alarm goes off i freeze and run back to my dad that was still shopping first lesson i can remember i learned you just need to keep walking when those alarms go off he died a few years back my brothers and i are decent people my brother is a great dad despite who he had as a dad no none of us five kids have murdered anyone as far as i know he was an extremely abusive father and husband i was the only daughter and he physically shamed abused and emotionally abused me from 7 14 years of age i ended up in foster care at 14 have two great parents who were my first foster family a loving bio mom who does her best and even more siblings from my former foster parents i have my own struggles but you'd never know the trauma we went through if you met any of us it's not fair for me to ask you a question without sharing something of my own my mother was pretty shady she was a ropeoid and benzo addict who took me doctor shopping from place to place looking for prescriptions she faked seizures and had a rolling list of medical complaints i don't know if she believed all of her illnesses were real but she sure acted like she did around us and medical staff she taught me that it was okay to manipulate doctors but somehow i grew up to be exactly the opposite and that i feel embarrassed and guilty seeking medical care even for a legitimate complaint i grew up in a relatively hostile environment so many people come up so much worse so i am not really complaining in which my mom had a bunch of boyfriends most were cool some were garbage nice ladies came to talk to me at school sometimes and after the first visit my mom coached me pretty hard about what to say she definitely taught me that beer was just soda that grown-ups drank that only tastes good when you're grown up so he drinks a lot of soda came up a few times again really not that bad big come on no the freak i have fond memories of hanging out in the shed with my parents me playing with my dolls and them harvesting their money trees weed strewn all over the floor hanging from the ceiling the leaves made into a little bed for my barbie to sleep in my dad did a lot of petty crime as i was growing up because we were lower middle class hard on money and he was cheap the biggest thing that comes to mind was us living near a christmas tree farm out in the country there's a little trail that leads through the reforestation in front of my house to the tree farm so for a few years we stole our christmas tree from there we would go one day during the day for a walk and tag one of the trees that we wanted and then that night we'd come with flashlights cut it down and drag it through the trail to our house dad didn't want to spend 30 dollars on a tree from home depot he also broke into my mom's dad's house when i was young to look for money he apparently kept in a tin can hidden never found it but when i was young my parents told my brother and i that he was looking for my nanny's wedding band he was abusive she left in the middle of the night with the kids he always said he threw away her ring but she never believed him now i'll look back and go wtf i never thought it was normal growing up but i also didn't experience these things and go holy crap my dad's breaking the law mom panhandle i thought all kids parents did this borrowing money from your kids for your addictions my mom would reward me for cleaning then when she get low would ask me to borrow money for mommy's medication beer crack weed my original comment was not very informative my dad did this when i was 13 but i actually checked multiple times and he was actually using it for the right reasons home repairs etc i had a rule that if you want to borrow money from me it must be paid back at an increment of x 1.5 by the end of the year it wasn't any small bucks either my dad borrowed 50 dollar sign 350 at a time no complaints i got paid there were a lot of weird things i didn't think much of as a kid but realized were fricked up as an adult like how our family moved 13 times in 15 years i just assumed people got new houses all the time and how sometimes i would go to the freezer for some ice cream and find stacks of cash in the containers just weird crap like that my brother who was more than a decade older than me was a drug dealer a prominent one as well he pretty much could get you anything i have fond memories of driving around at night with him making stops to see his friends and then him getting money sometimes clients would come to the house to pick up their stuff i can remember getting bags of pills together at the time pills especially oxy were all the rage he used to call himself a pharmacist when we would go out you'd notice certain people would follow us my brother would point them out that's a detective that's d etc my brother died almost 10 years ago i'm a professor who teaches criminology today we're actually talking about drug trafficking which naturally is my favorite crime and the one i've studied the most my sister she's 18 years older than me so my mom would occasionally leave me with her sometimes for the day a couple times for five days one her boyfriend pimp coming over and then strange guys coming and going i was like what are they doing in there two driving to her drug dealers rv in a trailer park she left me and my niece outside while she fricked him for dope again what are they doing in there three waking up to all kinds of weird people in the dining room doing drugs out in the open at 8 a.m four driving severely impaired with two kids in the car five she would sleep all day my niece and i would wake up she was five i was 12 and there would be almost no food in the house so i had to scrounge i'm talking potted meat or moldy bread baked beans for breakfast it was some of the most freaked up times i freaking hate that woman to this day don't even bother giving me the usher addict poor her be kinder to her number she also let both of her her ex-husbands touch my niece she was so negligent i'm shocked that we didn't have worse crap happen my sister is not my biological mother you'll need to take your conspiracy theories somewhere else there is solid evidence to prove that she is not my mother also we thought this crap was normal like weird people in the house eating moldy food going to sketchy places i'm gonna further explain why my sister is 18 years older than me my mom had her at 18 and then i was a surprise at 36 i look like my mother and my father and not like my sister or my nibblings my sister resented my existence from my conception she was an only child and then i came and fricked it up my sister didn't become a full-blown drug addict until after my nephew was born three years later there's pictures of my sister and mother together with my 36 year old mother pregnant and my sister not pregnant in the early 90s there is a specific photo of my whole family together including my father who was just my mom's boyfriend at the time they broke up and she told him to kick sand and she is pregnant in the photo okay i know baked beans for breakfast is a thing in the uk and us but in texas it's weird that's some poverty crap over here baked beans are for serving with bbq and dinner i hope your niece is okay or on her way to being okay your sister is seriously fricked up for better or for worse what has your child done to permanently change the way you view them i was out with my sister when she was six or so we are indian and speak hindi and english at home i was out with her and my grandma in pacific mall think big asian indoor strip mall there was a little chinese girl about five crying alone me and my grandma try unsuccessfully to try and communicate with this girl my sister then walks up and influent mandarin starts talking to this girl about god knows what she calms down and even laughs a little she turns to my grandma who only knows indian says that the girl is lost it turns out that the daycare my parents sent her to had a big population of chinese kids in order to fit in better she learned a freaking language from then onwards i realized that she is going to grow up to be much much smarter than i yeah dude children can learn languages pretty quickly i still envy the 10 wyomi who could figure out english by playing video games and listening to pop music now i'm all lazy and stuff not my kids but i thought this story needed to be put out there so as a job over the summer i'm a college student i'm a teacher's assistant for art classes we had this really well behaved six year six-year-old let's call him b the classes i helped out with were day campesque so we tend to get the super riled up children that parents want out of their hair for the week we got used to it after a while well b was the exception he always had the best manners and was always quiet and well behaved all day until one day he was bouncing off the walls i mean he was going nuts so i finally pulled him over and asked him what was going on since he was always too well behaved his response flawed me b i'm sorry mister faust evolved i'm just trying to get my energy out today and so i asked him why b my mommy wasn't feeling good this morning so i want to make sure i can get all of my wiggles out before i go home so she can relax best kid ever that kid is a freaking hero long story so i'm apologizing up front i'm buried under a mountain of debt because of my daughter's medical condition my kids don't get much because we're always behind on some hospital or doctor's bill but we were out with my sister one weekend and i knew we were going to pass by this place called redemma curse it's like a build-a-bear but you build remote controlled cars i asked her if we could avoid the place because i knew her kid would make a beeline for it he already had a half dozen of the things and i knew i couldn't afford it sure enough as soon as we get close to the place he starts throwing a fit because we aren't going there she's never been able to say no to the kid so we go in the cars start out as an empty shell with some basic wheels on it and costs about 20 bucks you can add all sorts of crap to it an engine wheels special tyres chrome hood scoop etc her kid goes nuts and starts grabbing all sorts of crap to add to his car at least a hundred dollars worth of stuff my son walks up with a body and i'm feeling like a complete loser because i can't get him anything before i can even speak he says dad can i just get the car we don't have to put anything in it i just want a car he was only seven it was the first time i realized he knew we were poor and even though his cousin was getting all the extras for his car he'd be okay with whatever he could have it might not sound like a big deal but it meant a lot to me learned something about both my kids today i came downstairs after working a night shift to find the house empty my boy six was in school and my daughter three was out with her mother shopping but just me and the cat i found him crouched in the middle of the living room blood and drew losing out of his mouth and shivering my first thought was maybe he got his head slammed in the door sometimes he tries to follow the family out and gets caught he's 17 now though and hadn't done that in years so i packed him up and took him to the vet bone cancer the vet figured his jaw got so fragile it broke when he was eating he was in great discomfort we decided to put him down as soon as possible but i had to get my boy from school my wife and daughter showed up and waited while i drove to the school my boy wept openly the entire drive when we got there the vet had the i've started had given him hydromorph so he was comfortable the vet asked if we were ready and administered the drugs my boy stroked kitty's head and said it's okay your life is ending but a new one is starting i never told him that i simply said kitty was going to die then he said i love you i'm here as he died my daughter god love her at three years old said nothing until we were about to leave she looked back and said yup he is dead all right not sure about her your daughter is brilliant when my daughter was barely two years old i was sitting on the couch in the living room while she played in her bedroom which is a few feet away i was struggling to get homework done for grad classes and had been rather short with her that day she apparently heard me complain under my breath that i was cold and next thing i knew she was walking out of her room with a blanket from her bed to put around me it was such a compassionate and empathetic gesture from such a little person that i was really touched i stopped doing my homework that afternoon and just focused on her she's now a few months shy of four years old and still does little things like this whenever i think toddlers and children are completely self-absorbed little monsters i remind myself of moments like this and realize they can be so much kinder and more thoughtful than adults my oldest daughter is five years old her dad and i are no longer together and he hasn't been in her life much since birth he's only seen her on average once a year a few weeks ago she looked at a picture of her father and said i still love my daddy even though he doesn't love me i learned that day that my five-year-old is a much stronger person than i children have such a simple world view once they realize that love isn't there they admit it i knew that my sister didn't love me from an early age i thought that was normal until i saw other families and sisters brothers were best friends oh well we're cordial now my six-year-old son told my wife life is a game and i can win if i want when she asked for clarification he said if i want to i can make people do whatever i want and they are happy to do it my eight-year-old son used the word trepidation correctly in a sentence blew my mind i knew he was smart but that was kind of like a oh crap he is going to be smarter than i am moment this happened just this weekend i have this old cat cheadle he's been acting weird lately and i suspected he was diabetic turns out he is the vet says it a couple hundred to run tests to confirm the diagnosis i'm so broke it's painful i always tell the kids about when they were babies cheedle used to watch over them while they slept my oldest asked how much it would be and i asked why he said i have money cheadle looked after us now i can look after him i always tell my son i want to be like him when i grow up this brought me to tears what a sweet kid i hope the kitty will be all right too when my son was about eight or so he came home and told us that they had a new kid in class robert who was painfully shy my son was thrilled that the teacher asked him to be robert's friend and to show robert around the school and introduce him to other kids i asked what's he like my son responded he's great he was shy at first but he started talking to me and i really like him he's originally from new jersey he likes baseball and basketball he has curly hair he has two sisters and he's really funny and really smart a week or so later robert came over to our house to play robert is black we are white and it hit me my son found lots of things to say about robert but never thought to describe him through his race kids are funny that way i intern at a pretty diverse preschool and the children are very core blind to one another the other day a black boy and a white boy announced were going to be brothers now and didn't see any reason why they couldn't be right in the fields my story isn't as tear-jerking as some hair it's actually silly but it's what inspired the question my one y o recently started getting a thing for chocolate a few months back and one day sitting at the computer i start smelling poop which with a one wire it isn't uncommon but what was weird was how strongly it smelled i turn around into my horus digging into her diaper eating her own poop now i know poop eating touching isn't uncommon at all but it was just the way she was eating it that made me simultaneously cringe and want to throw up she was cleaning her fingers like a fat man licking off his fingers after eating an extra saucy plate of baby back ribs ever since then i can't eat anything she's touched or placed in her mouth unless i know there is absolutely no chance that she has been in contact with her own poop tell it to her first partner my five-year-old daughter turned down a disco party that all of her classmates as well as her two cousins were going to the mother of the kid took the chance at morning assembly class all sit on a rug and the plan for the day is set out parents have a chance to bring show and tell items or talk to the kids as one group about important stuff to tell everyone that they were hiring an ice cream bar to be there a pirate and princess hosts and reeling off the list of lollies and little toys that would be in the party bags i could see my little girl hunched over in the middle of the cheering excited group visibly deflating and getting more miserable with every description of the stuff she was missing out on the mum even said is your invite still in your bag child of sweetest secret and she said no i don't want to go i want to stay home i was worried about this she clearly wanted to go but was lying to avoid it after assembly i drew her aside crouched down and asked her if there was a bully there she was scared of or somebody telling her not to go she burst into tears and howled it's a disco party with flashy lights if i go you have to be there and you might have a seizure and be hurt and scared i have uncontrolled epilepsy she flung her arms around me and just sobbed on the day of the party which i secretly rsvpd for her her grandma picked her up and took her she had a blast and the mum of the event even packed me my own lullaby i never knew how lucky i was to have her love me that much until then i have a four-year-old son now don't take this the wrong way i've always loved him and would take care of him no matter what bit up until he was almost four i was withdrawn well one day i was having a breakdown emotionally school stress job stress got dumped he walks in and climbs onto my lap he lays his head on my chest and puts his little hand in mine he looked into my eyes and said i can hear your heart so it's not really broken you're the best and cuddliest daddy ever and i love you 5 000 million it was at that point that all walls came down and i realized what it was like to love and be loved unconditionally that's beautiful my two-year-old daughter did something similar recently i've been stressed out over various things and i snapped at her over something trivial she stopped looked at me and said i love you mommy that brought me back down to earth really fast my three yo step daughter looked at me when i picked her up from daycare held up her family box a box they make with pictures of all their close family pointed to her mother and said mommy doesn't love me anymore mommy loves half-sister's name more i may hate the ever-living heck out of her mother and she may be a terrible person in general but i told that little girl no your mommy loves you and i love you and daddy loves you and so on it worries me as to how her self-worth will be affected in the future my daughter's birthday is coming up this august for her whole life she has loved turtles especially sea turtles most of her stuffed animals are turtles as are many of her toys for this birthday she decided that instead of presents she wants her friends and family to give her money and then we are going to take her to a turtle sanctuary to donate the money to help the turtles she turned seven this august she is a far better person at seven than i was at 30 and a far better person than most other people that i know she is going to be okay in this life my one year old just looked up at me while rocking him last night and said hi dada they were his first words and now i always have a soft spot for that cheeky little shite i'm nine months in i can't wait for this d my daughter was eight i heard hunger games was a good kids movie but had no idea what it was about the wife and i took her and about 20 minutes and we were freaking out because of all the violence we felt ashamed and i kept asking my daughter if she was okay and told her we should leave etc she pleaded with me to stay and said she was fine etc reluctantly i agreed but probably shouldn't have anyway she was fine but back in the car i said look dad messed up you shouldn't have seen that and i should have done my homework first i let you finish it and in return you can tell no one that you saw it deal deal she says fast forward a week and we had some friends over apparently my wife had mentioned to them prior that we were going to take her to the hunger games i think they knew how violent it was so the guy comes over to my daughter so daughter did you end up going to the hunger games without missing a beat and a completely straight face nope and she keeps doing whatever task she was doing he presses oh i thought you were she cuts him off no we saw some g-rated crap instead she smiles brightly and the skips off to go play i saw it all go down and the level of ability and control was amazing she was flawless i have never looked at her or her mother the same again now that you know she's a smooth and gifted liar you can never trust her again last night my almost four-year-old son was helping his mother cook pasta and sauce he was stirring the sauce and somehow he bumped the spoon and the sauce flew up and landed on him he said god dang it from that moment forward i know that he listens to what i say so he has no excuse for not picking up his toys i know he hears me when i tell him to do things you turned that to your advantage pretty quickly he never called me after i had open heart surgery quad bypass with pacemaker it's been seven years he still hasn't called when my oldest child was young he was horrifically destructive everything you can think of he attempted to break gallon of orange juice in his bed coffee grounds dry thankiages in the closet flower on the floor eggs on the floor all my christmas ornaments and his sister is 13 months younger and he like airborne just led the way i cannot even get you to understand i ran damaged control when i woke up every morning doesn't matter how hard you try you do actually have to sleep some time as he grew up he was diagnosed with severe adhd and if they could have would have called him mildly autistic he was angry as heck and ended up not living with me for his senior year of high school he took a swing at me and i could not let him live with us as it would have been dangerous and unfair for his sister and little brother a month ago he graduated from eight and is an air traffic controller in a combat group stationed in germany before he left he put his hand on my cheek and said you know you loved us as hard as you could even when we were buttholes we're gonna be just fine mom i still remember the stress of raising him but man i am pretty dang sure it was worth it then they do things like send me weebas videos and i am sure i screwed them up all over again i'm a single dad who has his wee one every day but saturday while taking my son who had recently turned four-year-old son to pre-k the following conversation took place kim daddy will you share school with me me no thomas i have go to work him okay now you're thomas and i'm daddy thomas can i share school with you me no daddy you need go to work him okay now you're thomas and i'm thomas thomas will you share school with me that taught me many things about my kid right there man analyzing this is like doing an english essay i am the guardian of my sister i'm 27 she is five when she finished preschool she made a memory book with all kinds of things like her favorite food or her favorite colors i found it recently she is currently only in kindergarten i found the nature is your best friend with bubba scroll beside it in her handwriting i walked into the living room where she was playing with legos and asked her who her best friend was nowadays and she replied with mackenzie who is one of her classmates in kindergarten i hugged her said i loved her and only cried a little after i got out of view one day my five y o boy was being really mean to his three y o sister i really don't remember what happened but i was very upset at him i told him to think about what had happened and gave him five minutes after the five minutes he held my hand and said i'm sorry daddy but i am imperfect my heart melted and i forgave him my dad would have just agreed lol long story apologies my seven-year-old son has always been a kind and loving child accepting of everyone and never one to say anything bad about a person but he's in first grade and has these two really great friends he always hangs out with both boys keep in mind we live in a highly conservative religious area in the bible belt so our family values are different than the majority one day he comes on the verge of tears and just walks into his room i follow and find him under his bed crying i cuddle next to him and ask what's wrong he says you know my friend s we were playing with our yesterday and s told r that he really likes him like a girl likes him r said that was gross and stopped playing with us today i told everyone that s was a f and evil and was teasing him so s started to cry now my seven year old is sobbing and i can barely understand him he goes on to tell me how he stood in the middle of a crowd of first graders hugged his friend s and yelled at her that the only evil person here was him how horrible a person he is to be so mean to his best friend and how he rather be friends with someone who likes boys instead of a bully then i guess he tells all the other kinds who are taunting that they are also evil children and they should be ashamed of themselves now as he is taking his friends away from the crowd he screams back at them that people like you make jesus cry his teacher at this point was coming to see what was happening and i got in trouble but to this day my boy is still great friends with us and has only agreed to be friends with our if he apologies for being such a big bully i have never in my life been prouder of him people like you make jesus cry i think your son might have a better understanding of christianity than most it's amazing to me that at 185 centimeters tall and 103 kilograms i can be brought to tears when our adopted one-year-old son climbs into my lap and demands that i read to him his mom reads age-appropriate stuff to him and he enjoys it did i read the hobbit or the thrawn trilogy or something else epic to him he falls asleep against my chest just breathing sucking his thumb and knowing that he is well loved this made me tear up yesterday while i was vacuuming my 15 month old went over to where it was plugged in we locked eyes and i told him no no don't do it he unplugged the vacuum and looked at me with a huge grin i started walking over to where he was and he dropped the cord and took off down the hallway i realized that not only is my baby now a toddler but that he is picking up older brothers love of mischief speaking of mischief when he was still just crawling my son used to love to go over to the cd cabinet and quickly rake them all out onto the floor before we could stop him even at that age once he knew he wasn't supposed to do it he would actually casually crawl backwards to the cabinet staring and grinning at us the whole time my niece when she was three had far too much of a grip on reality me niece you should probably pick your teddy up you're dragging it through the mud huh oh that's okay if it gets dirty mommy will just put it in the washing machine me i don't know if teddy likes the washing machine why don't you make it so he doesn't have to go in her uncle teddy is not real teddy does not care if teddy goes in the washing machine what is the worst thing you've done as a child that you absolutely deserved being punished for as a child first thing that comes to mind is that in sixth eighth grade we used to pay the classmate kid with two ray tte syndrome 5 25 to have a freak out during school assemblies during here assemblies in grade school we'd all be in the school gymnasium and sitting cross-legged on the floor then at some point during the important speech david would jump up and start making his standard goggles and noises and start screaming frick frick crap giant crap or whatever he came up with cheap entertainment yes i am going to heck for these moments i was in grade 4 and i stole the floppy disk with all of our report card grades on it then went to the forest and burned it we did not receive our report cards till the following year and our teacher never returned around 9 or 10 i was helping my dad and uncle clean out our garage well i came across one of my dad's old bowling balls and proceeded to roll it into the middle of the yard it was getting kinda dark and i apparently wanted to be a mean little crap so i called for my six feet for 300 pounds uncle to see how far he could kick my soccer ball down the street needless to say he knows what it feels like to legitimately want to kill a small child on a day off from school my friends and i got to making some prank phone calls the challenge was to call random numbers pretend we were cops and tell the person that their husband son was arrested for picking up an escort or if it was a man to tell them that their wife daughter was arrested for being an escort so i get this one old guy on the line and tell him that it was the police calling before i could say anything else he asked me if i was calling about the golf club being a quick thinker i said yes and proceeded to hear him admit to stealing a golf club from a sports store because he needed a new one for an upcoming tournament i convinced him to bring the golf club down to the station and turn himself in 20 years later i'm still curious to know what happened to that poor bastard i used to punch my dad in the nuts all the time because i thought it was funny the way he fell and rolled around while cursing not cool past me not cool my dad still talks about how i would come up to him while he was napping or watching tv and cuddle and stroke his face to put him at ease as soon as he was relaxed i would poke him in the eye i painted a two foot x two feet square of my bedroom carpet with my mom's nail polish when i was seven it was for science after the crap was beaten out of me she cut that piece out and saved it she gave it to me as framed artwork when i graduated high school and it's hanging in my room now my brother did that with lipstick and the bathroom the entire bathroom he didn't get a piece of it but the bathroom got renovated my brother asked me to pour him a glass of some twister while he was watching tv instead i found some chicken broth that looked very similar he threw up everywhere i threw rocks some huge ones at kids playing on the playground in elementary school and called it a beat it or shower needless to say that's how i earned my first suspension when i was six a boy in my class broke his arm and his family took him to disneyland this inspired me to jump out a window armed first i foolishly never accounted for my family's lack of wealth and all i received for my troubles was two months of pain and a medical bill that i still owe my dad for i have never told anyone that it was a hoax i screamed in a doctor's stethoscope no freaking joke lost cartoons for like a couple years didn't bother me very much i'm pretty sure this is why sedatives exist when i was a kid i got into a fight with my older brother and was furious with him so i took my keys i had in my pocket and carved my brother's name is retarted into our wooden dining room table yes it was misspelt i had not yet started school we ended up giving the table away to my uncle who still uses it 15 years later i have no idea why maybe they don't like my brother when i was in the fifth grade we had a bomb scare in my school the principal was unsure whether it was a prank notice or a genuine threat so she decided to call the police anyway just to be sure to not cause any panic amongst the students all of us were escorted to the auditorium where the children were encouraged to come onto the stage and sing dance etc to entertain the others none of the students knew about the threat so we were watching the show in oblivion it wasn't as entertaining as it was supposed to be mainly because they were individual acts that is singing without background music dancing without music etc so it was a drag to watch i was called onto the stage to present my act whatever it was so i went up there and decided to spice things up a little bit at the top of my voice i screamed there is a murderer in the school and they are keeping us here thinking that we will be safe but we are not needless to say the crap hit the fan ultimate chaos ensued people started running out of the auditorium screaming for help basically trashing the place it took the school security staff along with the teachers a good 45 minutes to calm everyone down after which i had a rather unpleasant talk with the principal and the district police chief and then one with my parents pff fifth graders amirite tl dr my school received a fake bomb threat i set it off for real i read the tl dr first and thought you had blown up your school we had an inflatable pool in the backyard and my sister and i played in it all day one afternoon during a bit of a storm i decided i was going to tell my mom that my sister got struck by a lightning she floated motionless in the water with her eyes open and i went to get my mom she jumped in the pool with clothes on and started shaking my sister she was freaking out and we started laughing because it was so hilarious she spanked us with a leather belt and never let us swim in the rain again i was raised mormon and was generally a truthful child in the mormon religion you get baptized at the age of eight and your sins up to this point are forgiven two days before the ceremony i stole a pack of gum because i knew i would be forgiven for it very soon pushed a kid off the monkey bars at recess this was like second grade he was going too slow gtfo'd when he started crying and went to the other side of school to play foursquare as an alibi a kid broke his arm or something similar i remember he needed a cast somehow no one saw me do it despite being in the middle of a busy playground kidd was so distracted by the pain he couldn't remember much i got away with zero punishment had panic attacks any time that guy caught eye contact i expected him to have flashbacks and reveal the truth every time i don't even remember his name but he moved away next year looking back i wonder if the parents moved him to a safer school district i tied my little sister to the outside washing line post end smear jam on her face it was a hot sunny day and i sat back and waited for all those bugs to come and land on that face i'm ashamed i was 10-ish she was eight i think i may have got away with it until i was 16 i've been making it up to her ever since there was a persian torture where someone would be smeared with honey and tied into a boat and set adrift insects would burrow into their skin and they would die of thirst in a puddle of bugs honey and their own waste i was 15 in mid-october 1996 my school's band was all set to travel to saint louis for a competition and my mother was not cooperating with me on signing the permission slip if she had no reason she just did not want me to go we had gotten into the car to go to the mall when i had a sudden flash of inspiration mom if you don't sign that slip i am going to act like a [ __ ] the whole time we are in the mall whatever fng pete from the moment i got out of the car i emulated a guy i knew from school i must have been pretty good at it two my mom received several sympathy glances the best part is we were standing in the middle of the moderately crowded mall when my mom had gotten her fill she yelled quit behaving like that and she slapped me to my credit i just blinked a couple of times and made a sound guy i also kept a straight face while everybody was staring daggers at the woman who apparently just slapped the crap out of her poor learning in bed son i took apart my dad's antique ti-99 stroke for a computer without having the slightest idea of how to put it back together honestly i don't know how i'm still alive should have looked up how to fix it on the internet oh wait when i was in sixth or seventh grade aol had just made its way to my house some mean girl at school was giving me a hard time so i wrote a poem about her being a s and a b words that i could not define at the time about 1998-1999 they just rhymed well and i emailed it to everyone in my grade someone sent it to the girl and her mom faxed it to my mom i had to have a sit down with my mom where she defined the word s for me and banned me from the internet for a month you've got mail it's your mom you're freaking grounded when i was 10 i found a hacksaw in the garage and decided to try it on the closest thing available the door frame i had already cut all the way to the wall when my dad found me he used the hacksaw to cut my game boy in half holy crap your dad doesn't flick around my sister is extremely allergic to milk one day i gave her a glass of milk and said it was a special milk which of course it wasn't parents were not impressed this is the sort of thing that makes me terrified about having kids when i was five i took a screwdriver to the seat of my dad's brand new holly i poked about 50 60 holes in and went back inside i have no idea why i did this wasn't mad or upset with him at all haha frick poking holes in crap is fun you don't need a reason i was a seven year old little girl at the time a real goody good i was pretend fighting with my dad only i was using an actual bread knife for our pretend sword fight i cut his hand i spent one hour sitting in time out in our basement bawled my eyes out till this day it is beyond me why he didn't just tell me to put the knife down i still feel bad about it also the day i use my dad's old record player as a scratching device you know it looks so cool when djs do it his favorite record was on that record player i severely damaged the record and broke the needle i had to pay for the needle but he couldn't find the record anywhere i felt so bad but years later i kept looking out for the record in stores and finally found it on ebay when i gave it to him he said you didn't have to do that i don't play records that often anymore i made a wrong right so i'm content when i was in seventh grade my friend and i were bored and thought it would be fun to light some crap on fire great idea right so we grab a lighter and a pail of water and head into the woods next to her house at first we just lit a few leaves and sticks on fire and watched them fizzle out we then decided to light a pile of leaves on fire bad idea at this point in the year in new england the ground was completely covered in drier leaves the fire started growing into a large circle as we tried to stomp it out and poured the last of our water onto it nothing it kept growing my friend then grabs the bucket runs to her pond conveniently about a hundred feet away and starts relaying water to the fire back and forth at that point we were crapping our pants not knowing what to do i finally convinced her we need to tell someone that she's too scared to tell her parents i run to the house and find her dad chilling in the garage too afraid to say anything i just tug on his shirt and point to the nearby woods where smoke is billowing out above the trees he exclaims a very wide-eyed wtf and then proceeds to call 9-1-1 fast forward 10 minutes 10 longest minutes of my life and the fire department arrives and soon puts out the fire it burns nearly an acre of land and was about 100 yards from reaching a nearby house oops so i'm sure you're wondering what kind of trouble we got in well needless to say i was never allowed back at that friend's house the police department made us write apology letters to the house we nearly burnt down in the fire department we then had to write an essay about fire safety and present it to the police chief who my parents happened to be friends with quite embarrassing especially since we were like 12 or 13 definitely old enough to know not to play with fire i was watching my little sister play by the creek near our house and i saw a honey bee's nest hanging in a tree above her i then threw a bunch of rocks at it they stung her i got in lots of trouble i was about seven or eight and stole my dad's car keys i opened the car doors and let all my little friends pile in the car i actually managed to turn it on my dad probably had a heart attack when he saw a whole bunch of kids sitting in his running car i got pulled out of it quickly and grounded for three hours so in seven year old time that's like 10 years i stabbed a boy in the knee with a pencil because he was a jerk i guess i just snapped and attacked because i was through with his jerkiness my punishment was being grounded for two months no tv video games for a month and no halloween which to a child is devastating my granny always had a collage her sister had made hanging on the wall next to the stairs when i was growing up but one of the elements of the collage was bubble wrap so of course i'd pop one bubble every time i walk down the stairs the thing was the bubbles would look like they had re-inflated within 10 seconds of being popped so no one ever caught me at it it didn't even occur to me that i was ruining art until years after the last bubble was popped i went through a pyromania phase when i was seven stroke eight-ish and during that phase i had the really bad habit of lying in my bed top bunk with my younger brother asleep below me lighting matches and letting them burn down until the flame was nearly at my fingers and then casually dropping the match over the end of the bed onto the nylon carpet below when my mother discovered the pile of spent matches on the floor i was sent to my room and given the most frightening sentence a seven stroke eight-year-old can hear just wait until your father gets home my sister adored me when we were growing up i was six years older than her she was my permanent audience and i was a permanent hero when she was four and i was 10 she got one of those hair bead sets where you can string up some beads on a little wand run a lock of hair through it and pull all of the beads up onto the hair add a rubber stopper at the bottom and boom instant string of dangling 90s anyway she was incredibly excited by this and asked me to do it with her i made a big show of having fun with it and we did it as a little arts and crafts project together she made one which i helped her put in her hair and i made one which also went on she couldn't read at this point and some of the beads were little individual letters so i used my knowledge of language against her and integrated the words but face into the otherwise pretty string of beads she was so excited you guys it was adorable my mom saw it later when my sister proudly said look what teague did beaming and happy my mom told her what i had done and my sister was devastated ultimate betrayal crying confused it was seriously like when sully wrought near boo and boo thought sully was roaring at her that kind of thing as of now i feel terrible for this she was so excited and proud and thought she looked so pretty ugh it's okay though because a couple years later my sister somehow managed to lock me out in the snow in my underwear aside from that i was not punished at all but i deserved it i deserved it hard epilogue we're cool now when i was about 5 years old my mom was in a physically abusive relationship with my stepfather let's call him joseph this transgression happened shortly after an episode where my mom locked me her and my grandmother in the apartment and barricaded the front door with a couch and he was trying to kick in the door to hurt us the police were called and my mom had to get a restraining order after flash forward to a couple months i was seeing a child psychologist as i understood now asking my mom recently my mom was in the room as well the psychologist asked if joseph ever did anything to me he didn't do anything to me but after that scary night and years of my mother's screams something in me snapped it was then i knowingly told a lie i lied to both the psychologist and my mom and said that he touched me i had an idea that it was bad in the way she described it to me and i really wanted him to go away from us forever he really hurt my mom and i wanted him to be hurt too child molestation charges were also charged against him in addition to battery charges he is still in jail i have never told anyone this before not even my mother or grandmother knows i am 22 years old i stole my sister's ice cream while she was out and ate half of it and hit the other half underneath my parents bed when my sister came home and my mom was about to give her the ice cream they obviously didn't find it and immediately asked me i denied that i ate the ice cream but they knew it was me kinda obvious at that time and so i eventually confessed that it was underneath the bed it was already all melted and made a huge mess took the paper towel dispensers off of the walls and gym bathrooms stored them in the full ceiling those tile things you can pop up i stayed after practice and would do it once the janitor was done just jimmy the door open with a knife the school had no freaking clue what was going on because it required tools to dismount and wasn't like people wouldn't notice some kid carrying a towel dispenser around i got found out because the ceiling tile got wet and three or four of the freaking things fell out cracked the porcelain urinal i never admitted to it school got the cops involved looked for prince and everything recovered none i wiped that crap some kid told the principal i always stayed late they put two plus two together assumed guilt he got in school suspension cause they couldn't prove anything i made a girl quit school after two days in fourth grade she was the new kid so everyone was trying to make her feel welcomed it wasn't working for anyone else but i decided i'd give it a try she was pretty much a complete bee and tried to get in a physical fight with me on her first day out of nowhere second day comes and she starts throwing random insults at me i heard something about her earlier and decided to retaliate based off of it i waited for a yo mama joke and then it happened it went something along the lines of my mom might be ugly but at least she didn't run away from my family two days after i was born ever imagine how ugly of baby you had to be for that to happen i was stuck in the guidance counselor's office for three hours she got sent home never saw her again when my dad came to pick me up he yelled at me in front of the counselor then high-fived me when we got into the car my friends and i were playing with some left over fireworks in an open field in an undeveloped area of our subdivision when we were 13 or so we ran out of fireworks so started setting small fires in the grass and stomping them out one of them got away from us spread to the tree line and boom forest fire we took off running and started banging on doors to get someone to call the fire department it took us forever to get someone to answer and perfectly formed leaves made completely of ash had begun floating down around us it ended up wiping out several acres and took several fire trucks and a helicopter to control but they managed to stop it before it got to any of the nearby homes barely however while we were running around banging on doors we saw german shepherds struggling to get out of a pool i assume he fell in and didn't know where the stairs were and he kept going under we burst through the screen door and pulled him out of the water we never got in trouble for the fire luckily because one of my idiot friends wanted to go take credit for reporting it later that night a local fd representative was on the news talking about how those who take credit for that sort of thing are usually the ones responsible for starting it in the first place but i was paranoid for weeks stealing unfortunately i was an excellent thief as a youth one day a buddy and i stole a lighter and candy from a local store on our way back home he gets hit by a car crossing the street i panicked and left him there he lives i won't admit to it i feel guilty to this day stole a gameboy color and deleted some other kids save on pokemon yellow so i could play got caught later that night but crap i was a terrible kid you monster i have a ton of them but i still insist that i didn't deserve to be punished for them back in high school some wannabe gangster from the suburbs threatened my friend's sister so my crew and i made his life a living heck for years we did all sorts of things to him we subscribed him to about 400 magazines checking the bill me later option when sending in the subscription card similarly we signed him up for every single free promotion we could find at one point a friend overheard him talking about how the mailman had to drop off his mail and bags because his mailbox was overflowing gave his car a fresh paint job of used motor oil at least once every couple of months threw crates of rotting fruit at his house dropped off used tires in his front yard glued a rubber dong to the trunk of his car found a box of old shoes and drive by pelted him and his crew with them called his house at all hours of the night and got into screaming matches with his dad telling him that his son owned us money mailed him a boxed rubber dong with a custom printed dong in a box label very visible on the outside and even a fake invoice saying mr butthole thank you for ordering big black dong if you are unhappy with your purchase in any way please let us know immediately and the coup de grace one night i called six taxi companies three pizza guys four chinese places and a very irritated sounding plumber to his house i told the plumber that there was crap backing up into my basement and i needed him there now being 1am he sounded like he was awoken from a dead sleep i happily agreed to his ninety dollars convenience fee for coming at that time of night fathers of reddit what is the best way you have messed with a daughter's boyfriend when meeting him when my dad met my sister's boyfriend whom she is now married to for the first time he answered the door but naked like nothing was wrong the naked man works two out of three times guaranteed something like that i have a relatively mild cinnamon allergy girlfriend at the time told her parents this her dad bought her cinnamon body wash that crafty mother my friend had no dad living with them so he was the man of the house or whatever his sister was bringing a boy round and he assumed it was her bf he is a fairly musky guy and he planned for some reason to intimidate him by answering the door in just his boxes i still don't see the logic in this and showing off his tattoos and generally asserting alpha status by not giving a frick about even getting dressed so the guy turns up and he's actually her gay friend and the guy wrenches the door open in his boxes and gruffly goes you must be and the gay guy was like oh oh oh what a treat totally backfired [Music] my white jewish sister brighter black christian boyfriend on a family vacation one night my dad walked up to my sister and gave her a kiss good night her boyfriend looked at him and asked no kiss for me mister question mark so my dad turns to him and kisses this black man with about a foot on him right on the lips i have never been in a quieter room now them right there's some testies i was out with a few friends and we ran into a big group of soldiers this wasn't uncommon as it was a military town so we hung out for a bit at a local burger place the boys all of them 18 were discussing one of their superiors and the consensus around the table was that this man was the complete pain in the butt after a while i noticed someone giving the man a nickname based on his surname my surname the pain in the butt was my dear old father i told them this and the evening took an abrupt end as they shuffled off in a hurry when i returned home and told my father about it he laughed for a really long time and when wiping his tears away the only thing he said was i can't believe it worked tl dr father was a pain in the ass to future suitors i never got to date any soldiers that man is a genius he spent all those years in the military just to gain a high enough rank to clam jumu from getting your soggy box invaded by young soldiers my dad is a super nice and charismatic guy pretty outgoing so i was never scared of my dad doing intimidating things when i brought home my first boyfriend when i was in high school my boyfriend played the drums and was about five feet three inches at 16 years my dad's about a foot taller my dad refused to call him by his real name the entire time we dated he just called him little drummer boy and smiled to my dad embarrassment intimidation comma super nice coma my dad refused to call him by his real name the entire time we dated he just called him little drummer boy and smiled to my dad embarrassment intimidation contradiction not me but my brother always tells this story about a girl he dated when he met her father for the first time he told my brother anything you do to my daughter i'm going to do to you i have a feeling my brother was very respectful on that date return from the date say i gave her head pay up big man when my eldest daughter's bf asked me if he could marry her i said can you support a family he replied yes sir i believe i can i said great including my daughter there are six of us unlike most other stunts from this treat this one is actually funny from the other side on the first date my eventual wife and i had i dropped her off to find her former marine retired fbi agent turned high school history teacher father in the front yard cleaning the fully functional civil war era cannon which he had turned to sort of aim at the driveway i had actually gotten her home about 10 minutes early spoiling his plan to set off a blank half charge as i pulled in just to make sure i was awake for the drive home according to my eventual mother-in-law awkward that was 11 years ago and my wife and i have been married for the last six of them he likes me now i think i have since fired that cannon so i know it's functional tl dr cannon when my now wife's father found out about me he told her to make sure he knows i have a shotgun a shovel and a large backyard two out of three are actually true freaking shovels man not first hand but i can share a couple of stories that friends of mine have told me about memorable father experiences one friend was dating a girl whose father was a career army ranger 30 years in this is the guy who would be cleaning his high power sniper rifle in the backyard when he would come over always polite but easily giving off the vibe of i've killed men before you would hardly be the first but likely be the easiest so they are all sitting down to dinner one night and the girlfriend gets up goes over gives her dad a kiss on the cheek and says daddy i am going to go upstairs and get washed up so sitting across the table my buddy says that he could very distinctly hear the voice of reason in his head voice of reason dude don't say it my friend hey that's funny voice of reason no don't dollar sign percentile say it my friend i guess voice of reason no no no friend she calls you daddy too voice of reason i e e e e e e e e e e he maintains to this day that the only reason he survived is that he temporarily made her father so angry that he forgot how to kill you put that so gracefully and hilariously i think you should claim that story as your own my father-in-law is a veterinarian when i started dating his daughter he politely asked me if i wanted to see how he neuted cats and dogs i told him i'd have her home by 10. i read that as father-in-law is a vegetarian i was a little confused my dad would always call them by the wrong name never far off from their real name joe was john dan was dug etc it didn't matter how long they were in the picture he said he did it to keep them on their toes so subtle yet brilliant my brother greets my boyfriends by the previous excess name i know a guy who had a prosthetic leg his daughter's new boyfriend comes over and the guy is wearing pants the boyfriend didn't know he has a prosthetic leg talking to the boyfriend he eventually said to him you gotta be tough and stabbed his fake leg with a knife if you have a false leg you've gotta pull this trick with everyone though it would never get old before my husband proposed to me he called my dad to let him know dad are you sure about this husband yes dad take to advil and lay down the feeling will pass my dad stated that for every boy i brought home before i was 28 he would kill one kitten of course he wouldn't but as an eight-year-old who loved kittens it worked that's horrible he probably destroyed your dating life not a father but the first time i met my current girlfriend's father he asked me if i didn't mind getting my hands dirty i replied sure and he led me to the backyard he said he needed help digging up his garden we start digging the whole time we are chatting back and forth we dug for almost an hour he asks me do you think you could fit in that hole i say easy without missing a bt replies fantastic now i won't have to do this later if you're an idiot took me a moment but i realized that i had just dug my own grave the father is brilliant use your need of his approval to make you threaten yourself without realizing it so my uncle owns a dairy farm and from the time my sister was 12 i remember my uncle asking my dad is it time yet this continued until my sister was about 17 when my dad finally answered yes to the question about a week later and just in time for my little sister's first date this little package shows up in the morning being completely oblivious to my dad's plan i take this package to him and he gets this ear-to-ear crap eating grin on his face he stashes the package and asks me to find out if my sister is going to stick around for dinner a little later i tell him that she is going out on some date and that he is going to pick her up later he thanks me in the grin returns about 15 minutes before my sister is supposed to be picked up my dad scurries out the front door with a hammer a nail and his package after he hammers something to the front door he sprints back inside snickering manically my dad pulls me aside and says take notes in case you ever have a daughter we sit down where we have a clear view of who is coming to the front door a few minutes later this guy shows up he walks right up to the door pauses for about five seconds turns around and walks away my dad had nailed a mummified pair of bull's balls to the front door with a note saying last boyfriend oh my god oh my god not my dad who was moreover she's smart enough to make decent decisions kind of guy my mom my parents had my youngest sister when i was 15. when i started dating someone at 16 my brand new dating prospect came over to the house once we were sitting and talking in the living room my mom brought over my sister put her in my arms and said just looked like you needed to hold her for a while with a very pointed look at me and then at the dude knowing my mum i knew this meant she thought i was thinking sexy thoughts and she wanted to remind us what can happen with sexy times the dude was intimidated and left within 10 minutes the dude was lame my girlfriend's father gave me a lie detector test the first time we met it's basically a glorified electrical resistance tester and is supposed to work on the principle that lying equal sweating therefore less resistance for the current to flow from one hand to the other unfortunately i was one nervous about meeting him and two sweating hard already because it was july in arkansas so i picked up the wires and the thing went off god dang boy you're lying and you haven't even said anything my female cousin's father yeah my uncle did this boy comes to meet the family uncle takes him into the den shows him all his military awards and gun collection stands the young man in front of the gun case asks him which one is your favorite boy chooses a nice browning 30.06 with a scope uncle ghost a gun cabinet opens drawer sifts through boxes finds 30.06 ammo goes to the desk and grabs a black sharpie and casually asks what are your initials again obg writes that on one random bullet and replaces it in the package then puts it back without saying a word they have been married 10 years and have two kids but my uncle does not hesitate to remind everyone he still has that bullet not exactly first encounter but when i got married my dad whispered to my husband frick this up and i'll kill you i have the means to do it to which he replied i'm mlg bro bring it one time i took a girl out i met her father and he said i want her back by 8 30 i said end of august that's cool this wasn't the first time my dad met my then boyfriend but it was the first time we all went away somewhere i was on the air travel softball team and my boyfriend came to a tournament with us it might have been my birthday weekend or something or maybe not it could have just been the whole puppy love thing usually parents would bunk with their own kids i figured my dad myself my boyfriend and my brother would share a room assuming my boyfriend would sleep on the floor nope not only did my dad have me sleep in someone else's room but he seriously tied himself to my boyfriend my boyfriend slept on the floor next to my dad's bed with a string connected from his leg to my dad's arm i was pretty embarrassed when i heard about that that's awesome not a dad but my girlfriend's dad is pretty terrifying first and foremost the guy is a freaking bear he's six feet five six feet six and three hundred pounds and it's a lifts weights every day three hundred pounds this guy doesn't have a pound of fat on him i'm five feet eight the guy towers over me and knows it he's the definition of an irish badass right to the core of him he crashed his holly broke his neck and then was on his feet cutting the grass within three weeks of his surgery despite numerous doctor's orders he's an ex-cop of 30 years reminds me all the time that he has friends on the force still he quit because he now teaches police foundations at a local college another fact he reminds of constantly the other night at dinner he demonstrated his pressure point tactics on me and taught me that is proved to me that he knew advanced blade work and sharp object handling that being said he is an unreal guy hand built his own basement bar so every time i go there for dinner him and i end up getting drunk together down there and have a blast he likes me and i treat his daughter well so we get along great but still he's not afraid to let me know every now and then that he's trained enough to kill me with one punch i want to be like him when i grow up my best friend came home one day to find her new boyfriend and father sitting at the dining room table her boyfriend was sweating bullets and was halfway through a massive application form while her dad looked on smuggly not a father yet but my first girlfriend's father showed me where he smiths his own guns and makes his own ammunition he then showed me the guns and his marksman certificates my friend's dad did this also showed him his bear rug told him bears are harder to kill than most animals with a dead serious look my father used to be a fireman but when he retired his buddies gave him an axe he greeted my prom date by saying here's johnny not a dad but when i was on a date with this girl a few weeks ago i finally met her father i had met her mother numerous times and know her brother quite well i go and introduce myself shake his hand and all he then starts to grill me saying stuff like where are you from what do you do for a living let me see your id i start to pull out my head and then he just busts out laughing comma quite good twitch the first thing my mother asked my current boyfriend is are you gay apparently she was worried that i was never going to have a boyfriend because the majority of the men in my life are gay not a dad but something my dad did to my sister's boyfriend they later married my mom warned him not to pull any crap with him as my sister had indicated it was very serious and she thought that they might get engaged soon so my dad promised he would not threaten to do anything to the kid however he never promised that he would tell the guy that i was threatening him now i wasn't around when she brought him home i am in the army and was gone so my dad took him into the family room and is talking to this kid right in front of a picture of me in uniform that is on the wall apparently my dad looking at my picture without so much as glancing in his direction said something to the effect of my daughter may have told you that i might try to pull some crap with you this weekend i'm just letting you know that won't happen i promised my wife i wouldn't threaten to do anything to you and a good man always keeps his promises and truth be told if you were to ever do anything to my daughter to anger me i probably wouldn't know what to do to you i am not a violent man i don't own any guns and even if i got my hands on one i wouldn't know what to do with it my son however he made no such promise to my wife he is a trained killer with a lot of guns and i am told he is good at his job he like me is a man who keeps his promises at this point he turned and looked at the guy and he promised me no one would ever find your body my dad then walked away without saying a word and immediately called me it took him about five minutes to tell me the story because he was laughing so hard my sister came back to the house with her prom date it was about 3 30 in the morning but innocent as far as i know my dad had a hunting trip planned in the morning and he kept his guns in his bedroom closet sister and date were sitting at the kitchen table when my dad walks into the kitchen in full camo unaware that they were in the kitchen as he had just woken up as he's walking into the kitchen he dongs the shotgun to empty the chamber the date runs out of the house and doesn't come back my current girlfriend's father cleaned his guns every time i would go over to her house at least for the first few weeks one of my uncles was in the army pretty high ranking don't know which one his daughter my cousin once brought the meanest looking boyfriend home and of course all the weapons were laid on the table for cleaning my uncle proceeds to call him closer hands him a semi-automatic and tells him so do you think you can use this as well as i can the boyfriend then looks at my uncle looks at all the cleaning supplies and proceeds to in under 45 seconds to fully disassembly the gun and place all the pieces in cleaning position over the table looks inquisitively at my uncle and says would you be kind enough to pass me the brush turns out boyfriend was also a drill sergeant but at another base nearby of course my uncle would not concede defeat from that day on every time drill sergeant boyfriend came over to take my cousin out my uncle had him clean his whole weapon collection on the clock he'd arrived before my cousin even got in the shower my daughter looks similar enough to me that i want to she's had dates but not men a dress up in drag to let them know what she'll look like in 25 30 years not a father but a little brother when my sister's new boyfriend came over for the first time i greeted him at the door with a raised baseball bat his face was priceless my face was priceless when i learned he was a black belt i'm a black belt too real nice leather it is my best friend's father died a few years back when his mom started dating again dave went up to his mom's house dressed up in his old army uniform and sat cleaning his rifle when the suitor came over dave glared at him and asked about his plans and gave him a short lecture about when i was your age when my parents met my boyfriend we went out to dinner my mom and i went to the bathroom leaving my dad and boyfriend alone at the table my dad calmly says mia winton five has a certain standard of living she is used to how do you plan to support her so she can continue to live a comfortable life so what you do is go to a ton of garage sales find as many taxidermied animals as humanly possible hundreds make it funnier and by them then before they get there set them up everywhere everywhere get your wife to help you and if your daughter is also up for a good practical joke call text her and tell her to act like everything is normal when she gets there and not to even mention your taxidermied rodents owls deer dogs cats beavers whatever when they show up the boyfriend will be a little freaked out if he asks about them ignore the question and move on part two put a few laxatives in his dinner but only his not to make him crap his pants or anything just enough to make him have to crap then when he's in the bathroom take every stuffed corpse down as quickly as humanly possible when he comes out don't say a word and continue eating like nothing ever happened source it happened to me with my first gf her parents were sick bastards i have a friend who is a respected martial arts teacher he enjoys meeting new suitors while practicing spear in his backyard i've seen him use a spear and he can punch holes in one inches wood boards with surprising ease i can only imagine what her daughter's boyfriends go through daughter was dating this bad seed she met at school kid was always getting into trouble big mouth on him and not averse to the occasional punch-up didn't want my daughter to be led astray so acted cool and casual when he and i were introduced got him on his own though and came in real close bearing teeth and gripping him by his collar you mess with my daughter cause her pain or suffering in any way and so help me god i will tell you a new butthole bucko you know what that douchebag did went straight back into the nursery and told his worker on me freaking three-year-olds bad seed is a lot closer to the little the second time i read through when my sister brought over her boyfriend my dad didn't say a word to him just sat there eating dinner and receiving death glares from my mum when we all moved into the living room just to chat dad left to go build something the shed when the boyfriend had to leave he got really confused on why there was a parsnip in his shoe i found my dad laughing in his shed saying the parsnip of approval has spoken i love my dad's weird antics my ex-father-in-law was a fat bearded man who always talked in a monotone i got to my then girlfriend's parents house and had dinner then we went to the porch to smoke a cigar and drink some bourbon the girlfriend gets called to the kitchen by her mom and i sit there with my ex-father-in-law thinking about what to say i am mexican and it was the first time i was in an english-only environment and i wasn't as comfortable with my english as i am now he breaks the silence is it true that there are wild chihuahuas in mexico he asked very seriously i was trying to find words to use that would not make him feel offended but would also bring some true to the conversation actually sir i said there may be some stray chihuahuas that may be considered wild but they don't roam the desert and he interrupted me when he saw how nervous i was i'm freaking with you he said i love that man the only two things i miss about being married is my ex-father-in-law and my dog that my ex-wife stole what's your worst overprotective strict parent story my mother had a form of ocd that meant that she always needed to be aware of absolutely everything and control everything she'd go through everything in my bedroom and read it and so i learned real quick to keep private stuff on the computer and neither of my parents knew how to use it if i had a disagreement with friends not only would she demand to know the details but she'd actually lecture them about it on one occasion dumbass me lied about what happened to make myself look better and she marched over to the friend's house and lost it on her i lost all friends in that neighborhood pretty quick and their parents smelled the crazy too so it was pretty uncomfortable until we moved away the worst part though was that she'd track my periods i'm still not really sure why i never felt like she ever thought i was much of a pregnancy risk after i moved in with a boyfriend she actually called me up at college and wanted to know if i'd lost my vaginity yet eventually i learned to not tell her anything we haven't talked in a few years ugh i wonder how she'd have felt about child me i was and still am insanely private when i felt my privacy was violated i'd get hysterically upset i am really glad my mom didn't feel the need to search my stuff and pry i often destroyed totally innocent stories i had written just because she found them by accident i don't know why i am this way my uncle lives alone and once went away for the weekend without telling my grandma she called and he didn't answer this was back before everyone had mobiles so she got the police to break into his flat he came home and thought he'd been burgled said grandma also called up the leisure center when my dad was playing five aside he was called urgently to reception over the tannoy only to be told that grandma was calling to tell him it was icy at the top of the street and to be careful coming home he was 25 at the time well my dad didn't let me drive to my friend's house that was only three minutes away i was 19 and i had my license for a year i've been driving to college every day if it was your car then your dad can suck it up if it was as then i doubt it was a protection thing [Music] i had a friend who was never allowed to go out with friends go to their houses nor was he allowed any video games and all social networks and known time wasting sites were blocked on their computer the one time he did go out for a charity event the dad stood on the traffic island for four hours and stared at us without interacting with anyone my friend's parents had a recorder on their landline this was just a few years before cell phones really took off so all our conversations from maybe 12 15 years old were recorded my grandmother forbids my father from letting me ride a bicycle because she thinks cyclists are at a greater risk of being fatally killed by being hit by a car or truck i think the chances are probably the same either way they are i've ridden a bike and people love to veer over on purpose just be dongs i've almost been hit due to people being stupid freaks i was going to hang out with some friends at 15 and there were going to be some guys there i was insecure and didn't have many friends and hadn't been invited to hang out with anyone a month so i was really excited my parents were gone somewhere and were going to get home in time to bring me but they decided to get ice cream or something and came home an hour late i wasn't going to go an hour after the rest of my friends got there mom told me it must have been god's will and i probably would have been violated i missed out on the only time i was invited to something that summer that's fricked up old girlfriend of mine couldn't be out anywhere unless her parents knew exactly where she was going who she would be with and what time she would be coming home to the minute exactly alongside that they had her phone gpsed so they could know where she always is and if she left her phone at home she would get in major trouble she had to be home by 11 p.m no matter what she could never sleep over at anyone's house unless it was someone who was in her family she's 21 and her parents are still like this i'm surprised she hasn't torn the gps out honestly i'd probably take the phone apart and physically fry the gps unit at that point i was banned from free reading aka any reading outside school requirements because i read too many books on my own and they thought it was affecting my studies during the time that was in place i would hide books in the bathroom and read them there on average i would spend roughly 20 minutes sneak reading calvin and hobbes and harry potter i was 14 at the time on the toilet one time my stepmom asked to use the bathroom after me and it just dawned on me six years later that they probably thought i was masturbating and hiding pee in the bathroom i wasn't allowed to read at the table but we had the tv on every single meal i was 21 at the time and wanted to go bar hopping during san diego's comic con i told them that i was going to stay at a hotel with my friend because we're drinking and my parents house is half an hour away come 1 30 a.m i get a million phone calls to get my butt home because it's late i sober up and leave around 2 30. i'm not a heavy drinker so it wasn't hard to determine my sobriety don't drive drunk i get home my dad is waiting by the door i sawn to buy take a shower and go to bed the next morning my dad gives me crap for smelling like alcohol when i walked in all i had to say was well i didn't have to drive back last night but someone demanded me home regardless of knowing what i was doing he shut up i wasn't allowed to go to my male friend's cottage because his parents wouldn't be there my friend is gay but his father had physically shamed and harassed me i've got two once when i was about 14 it was easter sunday and i went to my friend's house to hang out with her she called up a few of our other friends to hang out as well her mom dropped us off there were about four of us and we were going to go to the mall it was closed weird so we walked across the street to the theater and got tickets to watch a movie i didn't have a cell phone at the time so i didn't call my parents and i didn't think to use my friend's phone to call them anyway it's about 9 p.m once we get out of the movie and my friend's older brother comes and picks us up and takes us back to her house call my mom to come get me she's pee by the time i finally get home it's 11ish after that incident i was not allowed to stay out past 7 p.m not even if i was at a friend's house and their parents were there until i was about 18 stroke 19 but after that i could stay out until 10 the other one is i was in college about 20 stroke 21 it's finals week and i decided to stay after my class to study for my tests i was in the library so i put the phone on silent it's about 4 p.m and i've been constantly checking my phone because i know how my parents are i didn't think it would be a big deal to not text them since i wasn't going to be out late then around 6 i stopped checking my phone i get back home around 7 30 and my mom is freaking out wondering where i have been she told me that my dad had gone out to look for me and that she had turned on some kind of gps phone tracking feature on my phone via some online a tnt thing not too sure then i checked my phone and i had roughly 16 missed calls from my parents my boyfriend and several of my friends along with about 12 texts from everyone holy crap that gps phone tracking thing is still turned on for my phone i should probably ask them to turn off that feature source i work for it and tish we can't turn off the feature without the account owner's info however turning off location services and turning on airplane mode makes you invisible i went out with some friends who came to visit me from out of town i was also home from college for the weekend i didn't spend a dime on drinks and when i knew it wasn't safe to drive i gave the dd my address so i could arrive home safely i even texted my parents throughout the night mentioning the names of the people i was within the bars i was at so they would be fine my friends take me home safely i wake up the next morning and i'm suddenly grounded for the rest of the weekend because i shouldn't drink to get drunk i'm 22 also they told me if i ever drink a game they would stop supporting me going to nope out of that situation once i graduate when i was 10 i wasn't allowed to watch the tv show cat dog the main reason being that my older sister watched it and then had a nightmare my mother is pretty freaked up i wasn't allowed to have sleepovers except with one friend and only because she was friends with the mom i wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone without parental supervision until high school my younger brother later told me she used to follow me around and watch us from a distance she thought i had joined the gang because i bought some stuff from hot topic she didn't let me join any after-school activities or extracurriculars not even debate he thought i was doing drugs because i had trouble waking up in the mornings i was moody and i'd stay in my room and listen to music all the time she would complain to my teachers because i read books all the time instead of doing extra math homework i'm very careful about not giving her anyone's contact information or the exact locations of where i hang out because i know she'll overstep boundaries and stalk people i once woke up to half my contact list on my phone deleted all the numbers of people she didn't know and ever since then i've always kept my devices secure she found my journal where i doodled wrote stupid short stories brainstormed and ranted that i kept hidden in private she yelled at me for writing things that made her sound bad if somebody found and read it it was hidden for a reason women and made me destroy the entries in question this was a huge violation of my privacy and extremely invasive and one of the main reasons i don't love her i ended up developing a cipher for my entries and didn't write down anything personal as a college freshman i had to be home right after classes i learned to schedule my semesters so classes were spread out throughout the day so i could be away from her and have some peace i kept ignoring her and came home around seven stroke eight every day so she changed it to having to be home before dark she's convinced that i'm sneaking around behind her back freaking random people even though i've told her a million times i'm not interested i'm frigid but every time i go out even when i tell her the truth about what i'm doing she asks if i was freaking she used to call me 10 times a day and i just stopped answering now it's only two three times a day unless i'm a bit late in which case she'll spam me and call any friends whose numbers she has to interrogate them i've only stuck around so far because she pays my college tuition and gives me food and a place to live i'm leaving and never looking back soon as i graduate though and don't have to worry about tuition my mom caught me and my buddy smoking weed in my room when i was 16. i can't describe the screen that followed when she opened the door and smelled the weed it was the most horrific sound my mom ever made i can only accurately describe her reaction would have been the same if she opened the door and saw me stabbing a body or something crazy like that then she locked herself in the bathroom continued to scream as if she was being murdered when she came out she drove us to cvs so i could take a drug test at 3am i used to not be able to ride my bike outside of the driveway it was dumb when i was a kid as i lived on a quiet street i later found out that there was a pr file down the street nothing insane but i had a friend in high school whose family was mormon met him when i was 15 or 16 same circle of friends so we'd spend the night at each other's houses and watch movies play xbox etc his parents would always call ahead and interview the parents hosting the overnight as in they had a list of questions prepared and the parents had to answer them to their satisfaction always thought that was odd his parents were actually really nice great people and i always enjoyed interacting with them when i was at his house they were just really really protective when it came to allowing him into new environments i wasn't allowed to read any books that weren't godly meaning they had to promote christianity in some way harry potter was of course the devil's book but lord of the rings was fine because it apparently has parallelisms to the bible i got grounded for being home 10 minutes early because i was cutting it too close to my curfew time 9 p.m i was 17 years old and graduated from high school i got grounded every week my life was a lot like butters or hamburgers my mom is crazy overprotective i know she means well but she has made life quite a headache at times some of the worst events include threatening to call the police on a diddler i met at a renaissance faire said diddler was a 15 year old guy i met who liked my costume and gave me his email i was 14 at the time he was with his mom at the fair for crying out loud when my mom caught me with the email she insisted the kid was actually a creepy old diddler despite the fact my friend's mom who took me to the fair tried to convince her otherwise it took my dad intervening to get my mom to not call the police my mom stalked me and my friends at another ren faire i was 17 then she hid behind the tree when she was caught then refused to admit to my dad that she was ever at the fair in the first place i took a shower my first week at college and my mom tried to call me when i was unable to get to my phone in the span of the 15 minutes i was in the bathroom she called 50 times the campus police also showed up to my room shortly after to check on me i thought my dad was going to have her committed after that her reason for calling the cops was that she thought i killed myself because i was mildly homesick earlier in the day wtf she threatened to leave my dad because he was okay with me picking up my friend from a train station late at night i was 24 and no longer living at home for this event she also threatened the same thing anytime my dad didn't agree with her needless to say he calls her bluff now and she never leaves even my grandmother her own mother laughs at her threads my mom tries really hard to be a good parent but she simply can't help her fear she lost her father in a tragic event and i think that fact and the fact i am an only child made her the way she is thankfully i don't live with her anymore so i'm hoping the worst is behind us that's some crazy crap ricky i lived with my grandparents and one time we had a conversation and this is about how it went grandparents you need to get out of the house more me can i get a car grandparents no me can i get my license grandparents no me can i get a ride with a friend to go somewhere grandparents no me can i leave the house grandparents no this still makes me laugh when i was 13 i spent my allowance on glossy women's magazines cosmo and cleo for those aussies playing at home these magazines are very open about fricking and living in a strict christian household it was fascinating to me one day when all the family were gathered my cousin found a sealed section containing large pictures of dongs i'm talking a4 sized before i could stop her she grabbed the magazine opened it to a spread of two a4 sized dong pictures and dumped it on my mother's lap declaring look aunty blue coyote's mum the room went silent at the time my mum and i were both mortified she threw out my entire collection now we are no longer christians and mum and i can have a great laugh about the great dong lap incident my parents make up rules without much of a reason beyond that they're irrationally scared some such rules are i am not allowed to work as a waitress i am not allowed to sleep in the same room as the boyfriend i live with when we visit my parents home i am not allowed to lock my door mother will check at 2am and knock until it is locked no online shopping never bring meat into the house not even kibble food for the cat i am not allowed to take out student loans to pay for college they insist on paying claiming it would make them look bad in our ethnic community if they didn't when i was young i couldn't watch captain planet because the witchcraft they used went against my mother's good christian values i also couldn't watch the smurfs but i haven't the faintest idea why what i did watch though on a regular basis was dinosaurs not the mama which was pretty vulgar if i remember right parents tried to read my journal they said they stumbled upon it but that's a lie it was duct taped to the bottom of my bed surrounded by books and old board games but for about a week i taped it to my inner thigh until i gave up looking for it that's dedication right there there was a girl that shared a mutual crush with me parents wouldn't let her date me because i'm not jewish and they are but your kid would be jewish i was seeing this girl her parents stole her phone read our text message conversations called to let me know what's going on her family was very religious we had been texting some obscene things very recently so they read probably everything we had been saying the past week i get a phone call from her mother asking me questions about who i was age etc basically some weird threat that her and her husband were aware a month later i never heard from her again most likely because her parents didn't want me seeing her because i wasn't religious couple years later at 19 she's married to some religious boy i came home with a bloody nose one day from a friend's house and i went immediately to sleep when i got home because i was really tired i awoke the next morning with my mom waving a sea test kit in front of my face she saw the bloody tissues in the toilet and assumed i was snorting coke this is totally gonna get buried but i have a lot i could share i think the most notable one is i had no idea it was a thing to put milk on cereal until i was 20 years old in college i wasn't allowed to watch tv i was homeschooled and my parents don't eat cereal i had no idea and i'm laughed at terribly now whenever i mention it at 22 my friend pointed out the thing about this is not that it's just strict it's that they actively kept me from knowing a super relevant piece of information that everyone knows kid in my class in sixth grade wanted to take a re-test on a test because he thought his parents would be disappointed in his grade he got a 98 on the test the teacher didn't let him retest my parents have been convincing me to get a girlfriend since seventh grade figuring out possible relationships crying about female friends heck they even asked if i was taking anyone to homecoming last year when just joined high school well now i have a gf and i took her to see divergent last friday my parents said that i was too young to go alone and they wanted to be in the theater with us but it's not like we're stalking you they relented when i said i'd go with other people as well jokes on them i lied not mine but a friend of mine we were in our chemistry lab last semester and it was running late ends at 9 40. it was nearing 10 30 because yeah it happens her parents start calling her incessantly she answers and they're yelling at her over the phone that she should have been home why is she out so late that she's getting drunk with her boyfriend etc we're in our twenties by the way she's getting agitated her alum is beginning to crystallize finally and she's trying to explain that she's in a laboratory shouldn't be on her phone and she'll call them when she's done not good enough they're insisting she's lying to them she ends up handing her phone to our professor so he can talk to them if it were anyone else they'd realize that he speaks far too eloquently to be a 20-something not to mention his voice certainly suits someone who is technically retired professional been clearly amused he hands the phone back to her more screaming somehow they don't believe her still she hangs the phone up after our professor poses in front of the clock waving to the camera we're graduating soon and her parents are going to have to accept that she's moving assuming we get into pharmacy school teachers child care workers have read it what is worst case of helicopter parenting my child can do no wrong you've ever seen before uni started we used to hold activities for first-year students fresh week for canadians reading this nothing educational but always good fun had a student show up with his mother and she questioned everything we were doing and how it will relate to her son's studies it didn't we were very clear that it was all for building relationships and a bit of pre-study enjoyment it was also a chance to meet older students and get an idea of uni life she was having none of it she wanted to speak with the head of department and file an official complaint about these activities clearly having fun was not part of an education the second day she came again and triumphantly said the dean is coming to talk to us the dean did come gave us a pep talk and said how much he enjoyed this time of the year chugged a beer and told us to join him in the local pub later on she was speechless and left in a huff dragging her son by the hand neither showed up for the rest of the week dean sound like a browski i wasn't a teacher but i did have a brief stint as a cheerleading coach kid gives an attitude about doing literally anything won't follow any instruction and usually either sasses me or sits on her phone additionally kid skips practice to snort xanax and put it on her snapchat okay i told her that if she wasn't interested in participating she can sit in the stands friday night instead kid proceeds to go to bathroom and calls mother it's not like i can actually take away their phones try dealing with parents on that mother drives from work 30 minutes to scream at me for almost an hour apparently it is my fault her child is the best on the team and i am clearly targeting her she says i have destroyed her confidence and am jealous of her talent she can do whatever she wants if she's the best on the squad oh okay lady i stopped coaching after that year should have showed her the snapchat lol in kindergarten we have testing twice a year one in winter and again in the spring a parent called in a conference because her daughter had received two percent under the cutoff that suggested her child may by third grade need additional help meeting reading goals now that isn't why i consider her a helicopter parent those test scores can be confusing and i could see why she might have been worried upon seeing that if she didn't really understand the way it worked however myself and my mentor teacher spent about 45 minutes with her kid in the room hearing everything trying to console her that her daughter was doing fine and that we weren't concerned about her progress at all we told her she interacts well with her peers feels confident and comfortable reading and that these tests aren't a good way to showcase understanding especially for a five-year-old of the mother revealed that she makes her daughter do over 30 minutes of homework every night and won't even let her walk downstairs without reciting all of her weekly spelling words other stuff too but basically the mom was putting unreasonable pressure on this five-year-old girl like planning college and thinking years ahead just relax your kid is five if we have any concerns trust me you would know don't burn your kid out this early in their education that kid will be a perfect 4.0 student all the way through high school then they'll get into a very prestigious college move away become a partier because their mom can't stop them and probably flunk out had a kid bite another kid had pictures of the bite mark where teeth were clearly visible and the kid admitted to biting the other kid because he got in his way parents said he would never bite anyone and that the picture could be of any type of injury one-on-one aid for a student in public school kid has downed so he's a preteen but obviously is at a lower level with schoolwork and has socialization issues unfortunately kid also has hit puberty hard and has major anger issues in addition to acting sexually frustrated a lot he's tried to grab males and females in a physical nature has gotten violent with multiple students and has physically grabbed me female on more than one occasion when he's told noah that it's inappropriate to react that way he either throws something or screams in your face oh and he's tried to masturbate in multiple classes which resulted in him having to leave one classroom because the other students who were not special education students were understandably uncomfortable with his actions mom insists he is not aware of his actions that she's talked with him and he won't do it again this is what she says after every incident without fail it continues the violence alone could get him suspended as he has shown that he's cognitively aware of his actions and the consequences but parents are high-profile persons in the community also i've watched the kid grab his mom's breasts and hump her leg and she just waves it away with oh he's just a little excited you know like one does with a dog sounds like he needs to be in a school that specializes in handling these behaviors i'm a high school counselor last year i had this student who was a total sweetheart but really needed intervention this girl was a sophomore and had a grand total of 20 credits towards graduation under her belt she should have had 90 by that point and was on track to fail 25 more that spring she was failing miserably not only that but she would be constantly ditching class and often end up in my office because there was nowhere else to go the school has only one way in or out i did everything in my power to help this girl and eventually was able to get a parent meeting with myself teachers the school psych and school administrators involved i explained to her parents in great detail how at this point it was mathematically impossible for her to graduate from high school at that school at the rate she was failing classes i offered continuation school that has a much higher rate of graduation for students in her situation i desperately wanted her to get tested for special education because it was obvious she had deficiencies and could have at least gotten some legal accommodations put in place for her in order to help her parents just said no to everything no to continuation school because that's where the bad kids went no to testing because special ed had a bad stigma no to after school tutoring because she's capable of doing all of this work no to working one-on-one with the school psych to sort out her emotional issues no to everything i never felt so defeated and new than that i couldn't save every kid no matter how much i wanted to that really really breaks my heart in high school i was pretty mentally sick and i had teachers who tried to help me but my mother refused looking back then nowadays i feel bad for not accepting the help by my own i was 12 till 14 back then but i just was like in a haze of depression but people like you are good thanks for at least attempting to i'll give two examples one suburban one inner city suburban kid asked where dogs came from not sure why i was an english teacher i said they were bred from wolves and gave two common explanations for how human interaction may have started mum called the school then called me freaking out that i mentioned evolution turned into a whole thing in a city teen sucker punched some poor girl then punched me in the face when i broke them up ended up getting escorted off by campus cop dad who was obviously a c-head showed up to the school and started threatening to kick everyone's butt teacher here we had a student fifth grade who was pretty sneaky at first he acted innocent but he was far from it i'll jump to the end he stepped on someone when they were laying down during free reading time he would constantly talk and prevent the class from getting to lunch and specials on time and did this just to cause trouble he hit someone with a beta stick he would accidentally kick people he stole stuff he cursed mum came out and said we were singling him out and he would never do those things and told us to stop contacting her later he did something else something like ripping up classroom decorations or something like that and the principal saw it principal called mom instead of accepting her child does wrong she pulled him out of school since he hadn't been doing his work this kid that was actually quite smart had all f's as transfer grades i'm a nanny on the upper east side of new york and while my boss is a good non-helicopter father i routinely have play dates with other kids i have a 4 8 and 13 year old so i've seen it all my two favorites so a mother of one of my girls little friends called my boss up furious and insisting he fire me because i'll let her child play with sidewalk paint she was mad i made her seven-year-old use a paintbrush instead of doing the drawing for him after he told me what he wants he could have poked his eye out with a brush according to her and it was irresponsible the saddest part was that little boy told me before he left how fun it was we made the paints ourselves and then got to use them my 13 year old had a sleepover and i got a four-page list of things one girl wasn't allowed to do or eat when i asked her about it she told me she was only allergic to hazelnuts and everything on the list was there because her mom didn't want her getting fat i let her eat with the girls we had build your own nacho quesadilla thing and i took them to our bodega that is legitimately less than 250 feet away it's the bottom level of an apartment building on our corner and we're not even in the middle of the block and got candy and soda to watch movies around 10 after they begged me to do so and her mother informed my boss two days later her kid was no longer allowed to be friends with his daughter and it was my fault as it was irresponsible for me to let four girls leave the house after dark with a chaperone or not i also have a great one about my four-year-olds team hockey mom threatening to call cps on me so she could get my boss attention but that's less helicopter parenting and more pathetic the mom of a girl i went to college with had a fax line installed in her daughter's dorm room and made her send all of her homework assignments and papers to her for edits and approval before turning anything in the girl is now a journalist at a prominent newspaper i've always wondered if her mom is still ghostwriting i once had a parent tell me the reason his son told the band director i don't have to listen to you because you suck dong band director was a young gay male fresh out of college was because he was recently diagnosed with addict when i responded that i had been diagnosed with adults as a child and still struggled with it but it had never once caused me to tell anyone else that they sucked on he became belligerent and started threatening me pretty sure the kid is in jail now perfect opportunity to ask the kid why he listens to his mom there was a kid in middle school who was caught selling drugs his mom gave the whole my kid would never do such a thing speech the best part his mom is a teacher at this same school another teacher i worked with assigned a novel for her honours history class one student complained to his mother she called the teacher and went off because she had never heard of such thing reading a book in history she was a teacher at the same school kid never did any work in class was caught trying to cheat numerous times and overall was a disruption i never liked to just give a kid a zero so i'd given him numerous opportunities to make up work and really the stuff he cheated on rarely took advantage of it and was missing a lot of work one day i got an email from his mother asking why his grade was so low and as to why i was slacking off on putting his work into my grade book overall the email was probably five six paragraphs long berating me i was a student teacher at the time so i knew nothing the work she was referring to was stuff he had turned in about two hours before this email came to me everything got turned into our school website in this class so it was all digital needless to say i quickly figured out the kid said his work told his mom it was all my fault that his grade was so low because i wasn't doing my job and overall i should feel ashamed for putting him in that position i sent her a nice reply pointing out the time stamps on the assignment showing he'd only recently sent the stuff in and that i normally try to get everything in about 24 hours after it gets submitted but that it may be a little longer when assignments are turned in late mother never replied back after realizing her son had lied to her about basically everything mother never replied back after realizing her son had lied to her about basically everything after reading a lot of these other stories made me feel all warm and fuzzy that she backed off and realized she'd been duped then annoyed my standard has dropped so low that it took a minute before realizing she should have apologized a parent at my school worked for the district but in a different department her daughter was really average not in a student but not failing there was no way this kid was a top performer in any way but probably had a solid college career ahead of her but well that wasn't good enough for mum and she wanted the kid to be valedictorian or nothing else so she read the entire handbook on school accommodations and learning disabilities and began petitioning she managed to get her kid labelled as needing accommodations and then helicoptered the teacher to make sure they were being met if the kid got lower than an a she would find something that the teacher didn't do and bring it up with admin it became such a problem that the teacher was receiving emails almost 2x per day and the admin was getting multiple calls per day the teacher had to hire a lawyer and file a lawsuit for harassment with the union the hmong counter sued of course and things got heated for a while i remember the superintendent even getting involved every freaking person in admin knew she was full of crap and making it up no one could call her out cause she was crazy had money and was ready to sue they managed to somehow settle with her basically waited out until summer the only consequence she faced was related to emails apparently she was using her work email to harris the teacher they started monitoring her computer use and she was no longer allowed to communicate with the teacher in question tldr batshit crazy mom read the handbook on school policy harris the teacher for any supposed misstep it got so bad lawyers got involved had a pretty typical red yellow green behavior chart one child was just transferred to me not a completely terrible kid but had a habit of not know where the line was so it got him in trouble from time to time every time i flipped his card to her yellow or red would always let the parent know what happened and what were going to do to stop her behavior in future she then goes off on how it's the other little kid causing the problems and her child is perfect i let her know that while there isn't a perfect person and the scenario both kids could have acted in a different way she then stated and i'm not kidding i know that the other kid is a dirty foster child still to this day don't know how she learned this and he assaulted my child foster child pushed back after kidding hit by her child she did this in front of the other child i told her to meet me in the office he had a meeting with the director and she was no longer allowed in my classroom however had to take down my behavior charts which kinda blew because of how well it was working not a child care worker but one of oldest friends suffered from this it's been passed so many times around my parents friend group it isn't even funny his mom basically did all of his homework through high school he was a very bright kid but had no motivation as his mom did everything for him once he went to college and moved out it was apparent that he didn't have the life skills to succeed on his own his parents desperately wanted him to pass in college and tried so hard but he eventually failed and dropped out from what i gather now he still lives at his parents house and tries to hold jobs his mother gets for him but can never get into work on time and always gets fired i feel super sorry for the guy because he would have been a good dude in society if his parents didn't mess it all up i think he might have some underlying signs of adhd but he was never tested i once took a babysitting job when i was 17 to earn some extra cash the nine-year-old child wanted to play soccer inside i told him many times not to do it and even took the ball away he had another one and kicked the ball all around the house completely ignoring me he broke a lamp some picture frames after knocking down a shelf and a window when the parents came home they blamed me for the damages and thought i was screwing around in the house why because the kid said i was doing that never took another babysitting job after that the breaking things part happens in a span of one minute so there wasn't much i could do especially since he will basically just play keep away with me when i was 21 i was still living with my parents our neighbors were just the worst kind of parents they let their kids bully other children and harass people's pets one time the kids were bullying the puppies of a stray dog that lived in our neighborhood pulling their tails twisting their ears etc predictably and understandably the mama dog growled and snapped at them some of the other neighbors tries to tell them that they shouldn't abuse animals the kid's mom began yelling that a dangerous animal almost killed her babies one day they came to our place for dinner i couldn't stand this family so i decided to eat in my room then suddenly i heard our puppy let out a painful yelp turns out the girl had kipped him i ran downstairs immediately and picked him up while staring daggers at the kids their parents just smiled and said oh the kids were just playing with your pup i lost my temper and yelled at them to get the frick out they left crumbling about how rude i was being however in just a few days the mom asked my stepmom who is a teacher to tutor her kids free of cost of course you know those kids are going to be serial killers someday i didn't answer a phone call from my parents in college and they called security at 7am on a saturday to knock on my dorm room to wake me up and call them talk to all my high school teachers prior to the first day of school to get extra books so i didn't have to carry anything home wrote a handwritten letter to me asking me not to go to my bf house during the week because the road was too dangerous i was 23 wrote my high school papers for me yeesh family with severe boundary issues i quit teaching high functioning special education when i taught my middle school kids how to dial 9 1 1 and work with an operator for assistance and got criticism from five stroke six parents for traumatizing their children the irony one of the parents had choked about a year before and needed assistance but my student was terrified didn't know what to do and ran away the woman had passed out on the lawn and a neighbor responded they had to send the police to help search for the student it had frightened her that much i emailed a parent to say their child was currently passing but could technically fail the class if they did poorly on their final project and final exam in the ensuing parent teacher conference i was told i was trying to fail the student and ruin his football scholarship forgot i had another student same situation different year the parents wanted the principal to be present for the conference so instead all of the administration the student councillor and myself were present the dad tried getting into a shouting match with my principal and he left crying because his little girl might fail i went to history school instead of english school i had a parents where i was targeting son and that he was failing my class because i was refusing to allow him his modifications he was severely dysgraphic that's a very serious accusation and can result in sanctions against your teaching license and federal lawsuits to prove that i was following his plan and that he simply wasn't doing his work i started sending him to the special education lab which allows kids with modifications and accommodations to have a quiet place to work and a smaller teacher-to-student ratio he immediately decides to cheat on his work so his grades will go up and it will look like i was the problem but the teachers in the lab caught it and documented it for me the mom insisted that he just felt pressured to perform which he may have but it wasn't coming from me the moment i clashed the rest of the year the next year one of my students who had been in the class brought me a newspaper article where the kid had been arrested for drug possession and told me he was in rehab overall the kid was a terribly behaved turd but i still felt bad for him because he had to go home to his mom for those of you who like me didn't know what this graphic meant dysgraphia is a transcription disability meaning that it is a writing disorder associated with impaired handwriting orthographic coding orthography the storing process of written words and processing the letters in those words and finger sequencing the movement of muscles required to write if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Studios

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Rating: 4.8227472 out of 5

Keywords: parents, parents stories, parenting, parenting tips, parenting styles, parenting hacks, parenting junkie, #updootst, updoot, updoot reddit, updoot everything, reddit on tap, toadfilms, reddit, askreddit, funny reddit, reddit stories, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, /r, r/, r/askreddit, top posts of r/, askreddit reading, best reddit posts, top posts of all time, people of reddit, askreddit question, ask reddit, subreddit, sub, reddit stories 2021

Id: 80jeseOjf0k

Length: 181min 9sec (10869 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 10 2021