Robin Williams - Live 2002 [Full Album]

Jose damn it's a hot wonderful night I want to thank the people came up to me today and said hot enough for you I said no I like to sweat to run down the crack of my ass like Niagara yeah that's hot enough for me no I want to look like I'm lactating under my man titty that's hot enough for me no it's not hot enough I want my balls to be down to the floor but the good news about hot weather is all the ladies wear the little tank tops and take the twins for a walk yes there is that wonderful thing when you do see the beautiful breasts and I'm I'm talking like the way God met him when they move when you see a woman running and they're like haha yes yeah yes that's how they should be and when it's cold to go chickens done yes thank you very much it's so lovely to see real titties again fake tits are like Nazis they don't dance they don't laugh they're just a laugh since it's in Vegas and even God went I didn't make those the ones that point toward north and I've seen nipples in the wrong place where they're actually peeking out over the bra like Kilroy like how you doing bad way to go these are also women have had so much plastic surgery they're like what are these lumps under my eyes those are your tits madam and what's this don't ask it is unwanted facial hair but leave it and women are getting Botox injections and 25 year-old girls are getting Botox injections because I don't have any wrinkles I also don't have any expression it's like I've had a mild stroke but I feel so good about myself I love it when Michael Jackson said he's had no plastic surgery I would know Michael who is the best man at Liza's wedding and that's kind of pushing the term in many ways what was Richard Simmons hunting what happened if you ever go to Neverland there's a little sign that says you must be this high to ride Michael now Oh now ladies if your man your lover man your Big Daddy says old baby I want you to get your tits done for me I want you to get those big old fun pillows and you say okay daddy man then I want you to get your balls done for me I want you to get those big old Voight basketballs so when you go running down the beach like Baywatch to be put in the middle I didn't believe nothing drives a woman crazy like seeing a big old basket on her Easter Bunny going cheese in bed she can go been watching a lot of the World Cup every night at one o'clock in the morning it's truly nice to see a sport the entire world plays I know we have the World Series but [ __ ] very few French people go off [ __ ] a what about those Giants I sit around and watch Brazil Brazil playing soccer they don't really play soccer they just some but with a ball look I scored oh here comes the boss Ben Ben bang bang bang boom Gundam number four they beat the Germans which was [ __ ] great the Germans always beat the French but they have to go through Belgium first but back to the soccer game finally America made it to the final 16 [Applause] yeah we're no longer in the Special Olympics okay every time we played in the World Cup it was like Oh give them the ball thank you very and I was impaired referee like the French referee in the Olympics the one who we all look the Canadians they skated beautifully they both are perfect but the Russians they [ __ ] up how like life I give it to them at that point I'm going where is Tanya Harding when you need her Tania Tania wouldn't be doing that Canadian oh I'm so happy to be screwed eh Tanya because give me that medal your french [ __ ] i won instead we get to see her fight Paula Jones in an all white trash weekend yeah baby it's not the end of civilization but you can see it from there whoo boy and she went right for Paula - she went right for Paula's nose and Paula's going not the nose that's the Clinton money next week to Nixon daughters battles for the library money my [ __ ] were gonna go at it you'll see this is the point where even Caligula goes oh please my god because you have the chamber to chair the fear factor people in Texas are going we got those shows we just don't film it the Supreme Court passed a law that's no longer okay to execute the [ __ ] and people in Texas are going [ __ ] where's the fun now they used to separate or two people all the time like go sit on Santa's lap hey but of course the definition of [ __ ] in Texas is pretty wide you got a lot of room there and they were gonna execute a guy there who had only one leg and they weren't gonna give him the wooden leg to walk the last mile it was gonna be dead men hopping come on Tommy 5 10 15 20 but in the Olympics that whole figure skating thing all the judging also brought up the point to me that figure skating pair skating is pretty sexy now I'm not talking ice dancing which is like polka on valium that's different right next to curling in terms of hot fun now but pairs figure skating gets pretty hot sometimes there's especially that one lift where the male figure skater grabs a female figure skater right here even the gynecologist would go put on a glove it's that lift it goes who's your daddy who's your daddy who's your daddy oh and you can see here going put me down or buy me dinner when I'm saying let's go the full distance let's have ice [ __ ] come on the lifts end [Applause] and she holds on with other hands [Applause] even the French judge would go I like it it's amazing to the Olympics there's other sexual things as the luge I just want to know what drunken Swiss gynecologist invented that sport what guy wins you know what I want to dress like a sperm shove a skate in my ass and go balls first down a nice chute yeah that will be fun how will you steer I will do kegels I will flex my ass and go there now shut and don't talk to me about the two-man luge I'm saying boys get a room come on going down the run like oh there's a turn-up ahead go for it wow you get to the end of the run going I'm sorry man I got wood that last turn you'd go boho it was like that time we were duck huntin it was British of we lost because of you your penis one two one hundredths of a second wind resistance we lost and there's always some horrible drug scandal this year was a Spanish cross-country skier named Johan mulac from the old Spanish mulac family he tested positive for elephant growth hormone they didn't bother drug testing the snowboarders they just went oh [ __ ] go on move I guess they realized the word halfpipe may mean something like the kid from Long Island who won the gold medal and the freestyle they said do you want to be in a box of Wheaties human No Count Chocula unlike a poor Canadian snowboarder in the 1998 Olympics he tested positive for marijuana which is kind of redundant to begin with and they said that marijuana was a performance-enhancing drug it enhances many things colors taste sensations but it certainly doesn't make you feel [ __ ] empowered you're lucky if you could find your goddamn feet when you're stoned the only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big Hershey bar at the end of the run and then you will be down there you'll be moving like a little soldier in Toy Story like they asked for the Canadian snowboarders metal back and he couldn't find it surround his neck get out of here you little crazy Knut I have a friend Lance Armstrong he cycles in the Tour de France every year the monitor you know the children's he's won three many-fold this year but the French row is going he's on some sort of chemicals chemotherapy you ass okay okay he's got one testicle his aerodynamic everybody cut off your balls you'll be quick out was I saw that they had the Olympics in Utah which is such a party state to begin with I guess Amish country was booked so they come on down we don't drink we don't smoke we don't even drink caffeine we're gonna party like it's 1959 bring your wives oops come on and it's a closing ceremony to introduce Donny and Marie is the first couple of you talk yes and I went hunted they're not a couple in Utah only in Arkansas are they a couple you know what I'm saying and they were saying the security was amazing in Utah it's the whitest [ __ ] state in the Union of course that will be an Arab in Utah is basically like an albino at the Apollo you would notice hello I found one I'm really tan oh okay all the dogs looking for anthrax are going everywhere I feel very bad those dogs have to smell out anthrax cocaine all sorts of different drugs that go back to their cage at the end of the day going I can't taste my ass I don't know why [Applause] oh oh oh it's my tail but well we know this we know that every so often Rumsfeld comes out and goes I don't know where I don't know in but something awful is going to happen that's all for today no further questions well can you give me a clue what is it the central intuitive agency now are you working with Miss Cleo is that what oh no I don't know where I don't know we need something awful is going to happen and definitely don't marry that fat man I only want you for your money girl people are suing Miss Cleo for fraud and went [ __ ] door my god man it's like buying haircare products from Cher man she's wearing a wig come on that's why you have to take that little abdominal thing the one that supposed to make you lose weight while you sit your fat ass in from the TV going I am losing weight exercising no all you're doing is shocking your flabby fat ass No do this strap it to your head and go I will not buy stupid [ __ ] for no reason because we have to have our mental facilities intact I remember when they first sent the anthrax in the mail people going don't open your mail in went why there's white powder and envelopes really I'm afraid I used to look for that would you inhale it [ __ ] yeah your mother and I were online we did lines yeah there are newer ninjas on the lawn trying to kill us and now there are people trying to kill us remember when they sent anthrax to - wholes office in Congress they cleaned that place of immediately it's like hazmat suits they get everybody out of Congress come on right now everybody out congressman came out going but the rest of you go about your lives will be underground totally safe they're wheeling out Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms and Jesse's gone that little Jewish girl no that's an Frank sir come on gotta go you know the Confederate flag is just a symbol of states rights you can't a swastikas just a Tibetan good-luck charm now come on I do believe there's a cure for whatever's out there whatever bioterrorism weapon they may use against us and it lies within Keith Richards I think that I believe Keith is the only man who can go anthrax or ah doesn't go with my eco live key switches is the only man to make the Osbourne's look [ __ ] Amish he can go to a drug dealer and the guys going I'm out man I don't know what to do baby done everything damn it these are troubled times my friend hardcore security in New York yes Washington yes San Francisco not so hardcore Golden Gate Bridge at one end there's a Hummer and I'm talking about the car two National Guardsmen in that Hummer their other end another Hummer with two National Guardsmen problem is the Hummer and the National Guardsmen are in jungle camouflage for those of you who have been to San Francisco the bridge is bright orange so you feel like going be very very quiet I'm looking for terrorists an airport security airport security used to be a little lacks I know used to be okay get on the plane come on get on the plane okay ma'am ornament moment what is this it's a gun okay get on the plane now you can't even carry nail clippers on a plane what are you afraid you're gonna do like over the [ __ ] cockpit door the [ __ ] loses a cuticle I've got an emery board I can file my way in you go through the metal detector now and if you're pierced like some of you are and they go II take out your keys tip of the iceberg ears okay no star tongues great nipple nipple fine boom mister Wonderman may I borrow that Black & Decker tools thank you for those playing the home game this is called a Prince Albert and I'm sure that was his last wish I'm sure Albert said Victoria I'm dying I want you to name a hall a museum and a boat through the clock after me that will be Victoria's Secret go sell flimsy Teddy's go my darling and I'm talking heavy piercing not Britney Spears I'm a virgin yeah Michael Jackson's a father move on now I'm talking big nipple rings like you know once it hang off they're going what are you gonna do tie up a pony no or you have one nipple ring here one nipple ring here so we're gonna have his and her towels yay his enhance a little towel down here to wash up yay but the fun one for me is when you see a girl who has a post to her tongue and you go why did you do that if you enhanced my boyfriend sexual pleasure nothing drives him crazy like the feel of cold steel on his hot rod but eventually the metal knocks out all of my teeth and I have to live in a trailer park was a man named Bubba that's the trade-off honey so you know what you want tries I never have done playboy or penthouse when I was growing up I only had me I know you psychic [ __ ] I know you you're ahead of me you know I'm going I'm going towards National Geographic I'm in a mug I'm in a man yes and talk about the girls with the slinky neck do that watch your mom go off come down the stairs like I never got your neck I'm on my hey man remember you or if you really want to get grandma crazy do the fool you bangee come home go mom dad it's also a CD player now you get on a plane there's usually some sweet southern stewardess we'll come on if you're getting on a plane in Georgia and go ladies and gentlemen before we get on this flight we're just gonna have a few random bag checks these are totally random I'm just gonna read off a few names hasn't been seen a human leg haven't been [ __ ] Judy Smith 14 Arabs and a blonde and every black man in every Hispanic man in the room is going thank you God we're off the list [ __ ] get ready Habib it's your turn now and now they pat down everybody they take away knitting needles small ladies where am I gonna knit an Afghan [ __ ] you they're cutting down a five-year-old kid he's going what are you doing you're not a priest let go of me [Applause] I see so you've had father McNeeley private patent chat to all rights always amazing it wasn't just as they would catch him it so they had that you know divine witness protection program here's the priest here's a pedophile find the priest find a pedophile find a priest find a pedophile moving him around moving him around find a home away from Rome here we go here we go there we gone around they go ahead Don't Ask Don't Tell or you're going to end up in a room inhale go mooner and moving but even the Pope got all the Cardinals together and what do you do the problem is he's dressed like Liberace stunt doubles and your purse is on fire cause you have to remember boys and girls it's not just a sin it's a felony now back to our in-flight movie remember when you used to get on the planes before 9/11 the pilots would come on give you that whole Chuck Yeager hey everybody had a couple of cocktails feeling pretty good let's take this sucker down to the end of the runway and see what she'll do now they come on and go I love all of you we are family then the stewardess comes out and goes in case of a cabin emergency a small Louisville Slugger will fall from the ceiling remember to take it in both hands and for the head groin and knees keep hitting the assailant Jill the [ __ ] is unconscious now because now on the red-eye flight which used to be you take any medication your head and go hey you'd wake up in Tokyo hey this isn't Cleveland no it is not now people on the red-eye are wide awake looking around the entire cabin looking for anyone who ordered the Houmas scary because now we are under the auspices of Homeland Security we had to be very careful picking that name you couldn't say fatherland security because all Germans are going that's very good but Homeland Security sounds like home front security which was England during World War two old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags defending the home front there they were I captured Rudolf s his plane crashed I threw my colostomy bag covered him in shite and said get out of that [ __ ] are you [ __ ] and I find out now that Winston Churchill the greatest orator of all time was so [ __ ] up on champagne and cognac that he may not have done some of his own speeches they were done by a man's in the BBC who did Winnie the Pooh we will fight them on the beaches in the air on the land he or Antigua once again we look to England for great oratory Tony Blair militant liberal over here in America george w bush compassionate conservative i don't know what that is really it kind of sounds like a volvo with a gun rack i don't know what ok over here tony blair a man who must address the House of Commons which is like Congress with a two-drink minimum they yell [ __ ] back it's like my worthy opponent oh [ __ ] off each site you buggery bastard move on will someone remove mrs. Thatcher from the hall please but after 9/11 it was Tony who said this heinous incident has brought our civilization to the edge of oblivion but we shall endure and there's poor W going [ __ ] I can't even spare a damn you know you're look at him he's got a short attention span he's going I know our economy all over the kitty he's got a head backup basically if you look at it in the classical sense it's segundo junction george ii a boy king a man we thought could only lose but somehow won because of confused hebrews yes yes some men are born great some achieve greatness some get it as a graduation gift that's okay because here's the thing notice w doesn't speak well Cheney's drinking water check that [ __ ] out with Cheney though even when he had angioplasty you know blessed are the peacemakers they protected him he walked out that next day he was there ready to go again some people would let it heal no he's like I am perfectly fine and there's Ashcroft in the back line work the arms you prick work the arm you have to remember one thing John Ashcroft is a man who lost to a dead man in Missouri in Missouri the choices were dead man John Ashe Hall and the people in Missouri and their wisdom went sorry John and I'm have to vote for the dead man cuz he scares me less than you do now it doesn't scare me that W waved at Stevie Wonder that's okay oh come on Stevie's only been blind since birth Stevie even Stevie's goes that [ __ ] waving at me what scares me is that W almost died from a pretzel we have billions of dollars in national security secret servicemen talking into their sleeve they have spy satellites f-18 flying air cover for Washington and he goes down from [ __ ] snack-food secrets are gone game's over man Gilligan's down Gilligan's down what do we have to do does someone have to sit with him and go juicer now fluid serve [Applause] even his own dogs didn't give a [ __ ] they were look at him for the sole you need a dog that cares a dog that will go get help like lassie a dog they'll go what is it lastly the president swallowed something and we need to do the Heimlich though what else is wrong girl mr. Cheney's meeting with the Enron people and giving tax rebates oh and there's a lot of former Enron employees in the White House whoa whoa sorry girl we're gonna have to put you down now because remember the first day they caught w he wasn't prepared and they said mr. Bush what are we gonna do any said well we're gonna go after these folks and conduct a crusade and everybody in the room ixnay on you crazy all throughout the Middle East they're coming back hide the women and children in the number zero and then he said we're gonna bomb they have Kenny's back to the Stone Age in this Kenny's win Oh upgrade oh great as we see here today's bombing has enlarged the hole from yesterday's bombing we have moved rubble from here to here an apple right-hand corner a goat possible member of the Taliban or concubine we have fired the hundred million dollar cruise missile up the goats ass and were successful operation extreme redundancy is carrying on and then we started dropping bombs food food bombs and here's the fun part some of the bombs were little yellow bombs and the food packages were little yellow packages so now you're playing survivor the real guessing what was in those packages pop-tarts peanut butter all you needs a honey baked ham and you got a redneck Christmas why are they dropping pop-tarts and peanut butter on a Muslim country first of all very difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter secondly Afghanistan is a hashish smoking culture and anyone who has ever been a friend of the hookah will go because what we are trying to do we are trying to win hearts and minds how do we do this do we build a big Muslim amusement park called Muslim mutton with Gaddafi duck No do we have a wet burger contest no do we play Cat Stevens Records all day no [ __ ] do we have a children's show called Saudi dude II know what you must do is you gotta get a sister to get over there gets just a Shaniqua drop her ass over there and she'll be gone girl you do not have to dress like a [ __ ] beekeeper who are we looking for we are looking for a man Osama bin Laden one of 52 children even Freud would say he has issues he is a six foot five Arab on dialysis why is that so [ __ ] hard to find look for someone attached to the luggage going he is also as we have seen from the tapes a psychopath and I went to how do you fight this Acrobat wait a minute we've got some of our own in San Quentin we've got some good old boys with some time on their hands you got Theodore Kaczynski sitting there with nothing to do ted's played a beautiful mind the home game it gives Ted some tools and a mailing list Kennels like that you say to Ted these people are bad are they bad oh very bad I need we know what you need here they are we'll deliver them for you are they hurting the environment Oh horribly there's Charles Manson a good organizer great with chicks we have one very fundamental problem with this fundamentalism in a jihad which sounds like a country-western term but in the process of a jihad if you die in the process of killing an infidel which I'm sad to say is all about you will go to heaven and be greeted by 71 dark-haired virgins now anyone who's ever been with one virgin is going for my talent portion no no no no wait a minute but then recently in an article in New York Times Koran scholar said it is not 71 dark-haired versions but 71 crystal-clear raisins slight difference in translation it's like finding out thou shalt not kill is thou shalt not quilt and the armors are going [ __ ] we could have had guns all along easy kill it's like somebody kills himself goes to the gates of heaven going one of my [ __ ] here your raisins cuz I do believe that one day of summer will show up to the gates of heaven there'll be George Washington's standing with a small bat going how dare you defile that which we created and starts reeling on his ass and then the 70 other members of the Continental Congress come down and start kicking the [ __ ] out of a summer and Osama says what disease where the virgins 71 Virginians you [ __ ] [Applause] in Louisville economist I must talk to Jesus place where is Jesus Christ and say Peter go say Jesus did you call a cab aha I see we have crossed the PC line it's okay to kick the [ __ ] out of him but don't make the ethnic joke uh-huh because I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing is yeah I'm an Episcopal that's Catholic light you know same religion half the guilt you know Catholics you know you've got confession Episcopal we've got Thanksgiving where dad has a couple of gin and tonics you I never loved your mother you know that now yeah but that's because the Episcopal Church was basically a Protestant church it was Henry the eighth's going I mean Pope now hahaha but then there are other Protestants who thought he was too loose and then they form the Puritans our ancestors people so uptight the English kicked them out how [ __ ] anal do you have to be for the English to say get the [ __ ] out take your little pimp shoes get on the sunflower and go and they land in America going hello we bring you guilt syphilis and alcohol and the Indians go oh we have a gift for you for us it is a medicinal and sacred herb but for you it'll be an addictive carcinogen enjoy and I think you'll enjoy tobacco for many years 7ki our first tear this is my wife sits with a full house welcome to clusters a casino that cares it is now time for the white man to get drunk and we'll get back to land you took from us there see it is the thing about your religions your fundamentalists basically take the word to be the word it cannot be interpreted it is not a metaphor like I said what about Genesis in the beginning let there be light could it be a metaphor for the Big Bang the creation of the universe in that instant no God just went click I do believe there's miracles in the Bible I'm talking about Moses and Pharaoh yes that time Moses said let my people go where I can turn the Pharaoh in in your dreams and Moses went all right mr. bigshot called to God going God hello I need a big thing and zog's fell from the sky maybe they fell from the sky or maybe it was just a lot of Jews with catapults going now and thank God it was the Egyptians and not the French because the French would be going for lunch why should we let you go you're great caterers I like these people and but I thought wait a minute maybe that's what we should drop on Afghanistan not bombs food but frogs lizards hamsters gerbils [ __ ] they haven't seen and if you want people out of caves a couple of New York grass oh one New York crap is better than any cruise missile in since I hired or hire guy the [ __ ] o rage haha I eat [ __ ] literally ready nah but back to the Pharaoh it took more it took boils and even then the Pharaohs going I'm pissed but I'm not letting you go finally firstborn dies that's it choose out in the tooth go all right everybody man Ishtar annoy will leaving don't wait for the bread to rise just take the crackers in the skin off your penis we're travelling let's go why the skin of a penis for travelling people we don't want sand in there let's go travelling through the desert to get the Ten Commandments those will be adjusted as we go along then they get to the sea and then they're going what now mr. David Copperfield Moses goes sha sha close to God God hello another one to sees part and even the most outing Jew is going you're very good all right everybody let's go don't eat the shellfish I'll tell you why later let's go where are we going to Jerusalem the promised land and laid it to Miami to [ __ ] up an election let's go there was another miracle the night Mary said to Jo Jo I'm pregnant and Jo and Holy Mother of garden she went yeah oh Jesus Christ jo that's a great name what are you talking about Mary wait a minute here you're a virgin uh-huh and you've got God's kid uh-huh so I'm the stepfather of God's kid oh come on I can't discipline him I go to hit him he's gonna go you're not my real dad you know that and I gotta hold your ass all the way to Bethlehem you hold on does happen it's immaculate it better be immaculate Mary I'm sorry I turned Joseph into Ralph Kramden but it seemed necessary but here's the deal up until then in the Bible the Old Testament all the names of very Jewish Samuel Noah Moses Zebedee and then Mary and Joe pretty glorious names we are just a - and away from Mary Jean and Jo Bob we could have had Jim Bob the son of God right now we could be gone praise to him Jim Bob he keeps us here and find us a job Jim and another miracle was Jesus was an only child because who would want to be Jerry the brother of Christ Jewish families have enough dysfunction without that about Jerry go to the beach with your brother why mommy's just gonna walk on the water heal everybody and feed him all I'm gonna have a saying in my head he ends up in a bar and his age he's like 30 years old gone yeah I'm Jerry Christ you know who's brother yep he's a commoner I'm a plumber you do the math some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish I mean of course he was Jewish it's 30 years old single living at home working in his father's businesses mother thought he was God's gift he was Jewish given up if he was Jewish for the Last Supper wouldn't they have gone out for Chinese yes welcome to Yahweh or you can't no sandals no service how many you got twelve in your party hold on I only got two tables of six one here one here don't go in the back punches is all [ __ ] up don't go in there hold on one moment I got one big table by the window but you all have to face this way all right wow you just turned such one chicken into a live chicken not fair girl how many 12 separate checks are they all people did all the people who had the bread and the next day the miracle happened he was crucified dead buried and rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow another 2,000 years of guilt now here's my one question how do you get crucifixion resurrection and then chocolate bunnies colored eggs wild stretch even kids are going rabbits don't lay eggs this is a real stretch where are you going with this that's really a miracle if a rabbit passes an egg and I know you don't want to see a little kid bite the head off a chocolate Jesus that's not good a little cream fill cross going to it no you don't want that and you don't want to be putting raspberry jam in the grass going let's find Jesus come on now but then you have the Saints people who did amazing things but now we're letting some of them go like Christopher they're going Chris I'm sorry dashboard sales are down medals aren't selling very well drop the kid off your back pick up your [ __ ] we're moving on come on we're gonna have st. Prada Our Lady of accessories come on but I want to st. though asain who's done amazing things like Mother Teresa oh yes pat robertson said mother teresa wasn't a real christian why cuz she didn't have a university in a tax shelter come on Pat Mother Teresa had never had a product line she never had a perfume Mother Teresa's compassion I smell because I care compassion or Gandhi never had Gandhi genes whether you're telling the English to get out or not eating at all Gandhi jeans they come in size 1 and below because Gandhi was an amazing man they said to Gandhi they said Gandhiji what do you think of Western civilization she said I think it would be a wonderful idea way to go Gandhi and I know as amazing as he was there was probably somebody in a Bombay bar going I know Gandhi he was a prick I saw him sucking on a pork hotdog hitting on mother Teresa I saw that [ __ ] he kept saying who's your diaper daddy who's a diaper daddy I saw him doing that I saw it with my third eye I got if you don't believe me a [ __ ] slap you like Shiva I'll be on you eight times my man eight times don't be pressing the thing in my head don't do that don't press my Biddy going ding-dong [ __ ] off because India has the atomic bomb now my friend I can turn this place into chicken tikka Pakistan has the bomb - we were going to fight over Kashmir and your [ __ ] president thought it was a sweater how stupid are you here is the drill Pakistan has the bomb India has the bomb Shiva's got a vengeance communion also China has the bomb or maybe not maybe they just have 1 billion people go you can save money anyway but also Russia has the bomb we have mini bombs we don't know where they all are maybe you want a dirty bomb and our friends the French they have the bomb they have a nuclear force called the forced to frappe yes maybe they have a French bomb like a Michelin bomb and only destroys restaurants under 4 stars the French are one of the few people left who still have underground testing where did they do it in the Sahara a total wasteland no in Tahiti paradise why because we are friends oh look a Greenpeace boat coming to protest our testing [ __ ] you you little seal hugger ha ha I think you ha ha I am a badass [ __ ] am I not look I'm giving a cigarette to a baby smoke or smoke my darling life is horrible learn the law lad my darling or you American baby [ __ ] off you you Americans you class look at American I adore the Germans are here I know Americans come come build a Disneyland here on your Paris we won't go but build it and Fantasyland will be full of nice Parisians come on in and we'll have a very French Minnie Mouse with armpit hair smoking a girl was but you are never [ __ ] Mickey you know that he has only three fingers what am i a bowling ball I don't think so because there is one place that watches out for all of us the Geneva Convention the Swiss living in the hollowed-out country with their chocolate and their watches and a little leather pants the nice Germans yeah tell the Swiss or if they like to say the other white race now how butch is an army that has a wine-opener on its knife how tough are they in combat many of you have never opened Chardonnay and the fire I don't know but I've been told Chardonnay must be served cold yeah take out the [ __ ] smell if they meet a fish and throw my gut where did all this impressionistic art come from and all this gold and jewelry from 1941 to 1945 how strange fairies must have brought it during the night all of a sudden I have Alzheimer's I've forgotten everything I'm a student I'm like an COFF up an account number I can't help myself but I know one thing I know there's one country in the world that does not have some horrible weapon of destruction they don't have some secret weapons lab turning out something to destroy us all Jamaica Irie man they would never make an atomic bomb an atomic bomb but I'd rather fight a war with the atomic bomb the atomic bomb goes off this devastation and irradiation for 10,000 years the atomic bomb goes off there's a celebration I and I not see and I and I with I and I Irie One Nation Rastafari spoke this spliffs that's the Communion and if you don't see Jesus Christ then he never will man okay if you smoke a lot of pot you may never be a rocket scientist or maybe maybe after seeing some of the things that have happened with NASA maybe you can okay okay okay the Mars Lander oh [ __ ] okay III did the calculations in feet but I programmed the lander in meters so instead of landing it was the Mars barrier [ __ ] 180 million dollar whoops two years flat okay okay here's a better one the Hubble telescope I forgot to put in a lens read the top line okay uh I was injury uh serious and the rest is just a black hole because you see pop doesn't affect you like alcohol my man alcohol you can see some really happy people going to a bar at happy hour and see some just happy [ __ ] you know those guys go [ __ ] my good man you do not know [ __ ] about [ __ ] you you wanna piss yourself step outside the bus I'll kick my ass my man if you're Irish you have a running start you can drink a little bit better than the rest of us you know that yeah that's true the Irish one way he may kick your ass but he'll sing about it afterwards oh that night just said my wife was fat I knocked you down and [ __ ] in your hat away you go that time I feel singing away and then you're full and they drink until they're in their 80s and they're on a dialysis machine doing [ __ ] liver dance Hey they say the Irish discovered civilization then had a couple of Guinness and forgot what if I can put it but other people are affected differently by alcohol you're Japanese very polite doing a day ohayo gozaimasu I have two five Jack Daniels Thai yellow river Kelly okay w4 ass ho ho drink with the Englishman they're very very elegant did you care for cocktail oh damn right I would after a couple of gin and tonics ago you [ __ ] [ __ ] how are you but if you really want a linguistic adventure go drinking with a Scotsman because you can't [ __ ] understand them before a fakey balls up can you rather than your couch if you can what save it sure what about put finally for house let me kill it then your bullet really max here a shoot oh shoot [Applause] then they have a couple of cocktails and it's like they start having a bowel movement I owe you sometimes why [Applause] and besides wearing the skirt you can understand how they can invent a sport like [ __ ] golf hey here's my idea for a sport a knock a [ __ ] ball into a gopher hole oh you mean like pool [ __ ] not with a straight stick with a little [ __ ] up piece of wood I whack the ball and it goes in a hole like okay there nah [ __ ] you to care hundreds of [ __ ] yards away oh yeah what of all your gold in a little [ __ ] hole oh so it's a straight line [ __ ] off straight line applix shittin away like trees and bushes and glass and bamboo and you gotta walk like a dog with a broken [ __ ] leg and you're walking away a ball with a tire iron and every time you want it you feel like you're gonna have a stroke [ __ ] that's what we'll call it a stroke cuz every time you miss your feeling you're [ __ ] gonna die oh great and here's the best part of the great part right near the end I'll put a little smooth pot and I put a little tiny flag there to give you a hope ah [ __ ] brilliant but here's the fucked-up part I'll put a pool in our sandbox next to it and you'll have to drown the gay your ball then [ __ ] that's a game and you do that one time who [ __ ] Oh a DIN [ __ ] down [Applause] that's where you could have a spot like both where you can dress like a pimp and no one cares where you can wear colors and even a blind gay man would go oh dear Christ even the little alligator on your shirt's going what are you on and it's such an exciting sport pure athleticism whack the ball get in the cart whack the ball get in the cart and the commentary is electrifying I where on the third hole now could the crowd be quieter I'd like to hear the grass grow I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time the ball is rolling the ball is going to double [Music] just to see all those old waspey shits go oh dear Christ oh my god the Spanish were here were fought I thought they were just doing along but they're playing [ __ ] I don't know because that was their last domain until Tiger the son of a black man in a Thai woman not even a German geneticist could have thought that one up black athletic prowess Buddhist concentration [ __ ] you and it goes to the British Open played at st. Andrews where they invented the sport and he's 18 under par and there's only 18 [ __ ] [ __ ] and the old guys are looking around going oh [ __ ] where do I learn to play we wouldn't let him join Oh God damn pretty soon they'd have nightmares of golf carts going yo-yo no I'm playing true whether you're a Gentile or a Jew Pebble Beach [ __ ] and then there's boxing but boxing took a weird turn when all of a sudden Mike Tyson big Sam let's get ready to nibble and all these old guys got my god he did him old you're fresh T minimum said you're lucky just bit him might just get out of prison you're lucky didn't [ __ ] him come on you know biting people is foreplay in prison might be gonna break it up when I'm finished in baby Mike's on Zoloft to it said I'm on Zoloft thought I don't kill you [ __ ] I'm going up the dosage baby pick it up pick it up pick it up cuz you got all these drugs to make you feel better like zoloft prozac I just want to have one drug to encompass it all we'll call it [ __ ] it all yes I don't feel anything I don't care for anything [ __ ] it all I'm sitting in my own [ __ ] I don't care [ __ ] it all but it usually has some horrible side effects like make claws artificial insemination a tendency to grow another hand oh there was a product a very strange product that they've had in some food was called olestra and if you looked on your bag of chips it said here was a small side effect it said may cause anal leakage I don't really find that a slight side effect I find that to be a pretty [ __ ] up day if my ass is leaking that's bad if you have an oil slick falling out of your pants head [ __ ] gay my man hi Bob how you doin are just a little anal leakage Bob if you want to get out of the pool right now kids don't want to play exxon-valdez come on out now I want a product to help me because god dammit look at me I've had people say don't wear fur I'm going lady it's me I am a chia pet I'm losing it here I'm growing it here it's on my back it's here I've gone to the zoo and had monkeys kind of look at me like what are you doing out man here take this to kenya tell them we're still alive and anyone who thinks zoos are happy places they're pissed off they're in stir and then the ones that have to make because you want to build a new wing on the zoo like Ling Ling the Panda they go oh she is so lonely so they go to China and they enesta sighs another panda which is kind of redundant and they bring it back and they give him a name like ping pong but his real name in Chinese is wushu call her bear with balls of steel and they throw him in the cage and they say go mate and he looks at her like I would never [ __ ] her you know that that is one ugly panda [ __ ] if you were a panda you'd know that's the ugliest for camp and a bit they do not get any [ __ ] uglier I wouldn't have [ __ ] her with a koalas dick ugly I would rather lick my own balls than [ __ ] that hand of it and there is only one animal who can tell you if she is happy and that is Coco the gorilla i met coco she saw this and she went who is the blue-eyed simian and she motioned to her trainer and I went what does she want she wants you to tickle her so I tickle her and she's oh-ho-oh and then I see her go and I go what does that mean she wants you to lift your shirt I went ok I lift my shirt and she reaches out with both hands and grabs both my nipples at that point I think oh well if an 800-pound gorillas got you by the tits you listen but something else kind of interesting happen my balls went somebody wants to play should we go to phase 2 no do not go to phase 2 I repeat do not go to list off manual override manual override feels like a human is not a human notice the prehensile some do not go to liftoff do not go to list off but she must have sent something because she grabbed me by the hand and starts to take me in the back and all of a sudden it's Doctore meets deliverance and I'm thinking the Crocodile Hunter is gonna walk on go Oh crikey she really wants to [ __ ] it brain there Danger Danger Danger it's like that time I put my finger in the crocks cloaca this could get ugly boys and girls but part of me went could be fun be a great story for a bar the guy's gone I had a wild night in Vegas once I [ __ ] a gorilla where's everybody going you don't want to get that late-night phone call ring hello maybe it's because I'm 50 maybe it's because you hit that certain age and things don't work the same way now your prostate is bigger than your ego and it starts in your 40s we have to go to the doctor for the old first time I went I was like oh my god I'm just putting on the glove mr. Williams I went back a couple of months later I moaned another doctor's name don't do that who's dr. Smith I don't know you're the only one and now I sympathize and the ladies go to the gynecologist you do not want a doctor who also has a hobby like you do not want a gynecologist who is also a magician how are we today oh look at those oh and mr. bunny what are these what are these what are these what are these is this your card I don't want a proctologist who's also a ventriloquist's are you during the day I'm great are you gonna go date yeah take your hand out of my ass I'm not a muppet come on because when you hit 50 it's no longer the old digits it's the also proctoscope same thing that w went through it's basically a video camera on the end of a roto Ruter and it's going up you you are your own Discovery Channel special Jacques caca going slowly we are going up Robins backside up ahead a burger he had in 85 and then you see something oh my god it's a polyp no that's a fart mr. Williams you're okay and then to go farther up the old wazoo they blow air up your ass now you're a [ __ ] party favor now give it up I'm okay let her rip I'm the Michelin Man and I know the air is coming this way the farts are going incoming it's not a finger fall back behind the [ __ ] wait for my command to make the wet sloppy noise because the moment they pull that thing out of your ass you are an Evinrude [Applause] 40 miles of air flowing flowing flowing keep that : rollin wrong [Applause] [Music] you pull your pants up you're still blowing away you're like a balloon spinner corn in America's Cup race and then you realize oh [ __ ] fire in the hole tighten the cheeks you bastards you don't want to lose it here thank you doctor see you next week [Applause] [ __ ] you [Music] everybody you pass you have to go it's me taxi dogs are going roll over man you're dead I just want to borrow a match and go excuse me flaming [ __ ] cuz that's what you are you're 50 your flaming [ __ ] you've hit the wall ha ha ha cuz what can they do for you can they develop a drug so you won't have to go through all of that no can they develop a drug to give you complete mental clarity into your golden years now yeah but they can develop a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra Thank You medical science Bob Dole knows yes grandpa could have would again how do you guardian you know I don't need the locker I see that and just when your grandmother's going oh [ __ ] I thought the war was over give me a tetanus shot if you're gonna stick me with that rusty thing get out and it's amazing used to be you had to find some Chinese aphrodisiac like hummingbird testicle and rhino horn but now thanks to Viagra you are hard like hard like Franken [ __ ] like the inseminator you are back and bigger than Elvis and you are not on the same schedule you're no longer on the biological clock you are on Viagra time it's one hour and one hour and 45 minutes and a lot of guys are good yeah a lot of women are going oh because after the first hour your wife's gone oh yay Oh Oh Big Daddy oh listen I got [ __ ] to do okay oh oh sure okay oh oh yay oh yay ring hello it's [ __ ] by a grad sec yeah I've been out for an hour go outside with that thing and you can't go out of the room because the cat's just waiting to go and the dogs going YouTube you can't go to work on hi Bob hi Pete glad to be here today I'll just go outside and direct traffic you can't do it and you can't make it go away you beat the [ __ ] out of it's like ha ha ha not today my good man you think of things like Carol Channing doing yoga won't help you have to finish it off and in the old days it was like oh ok but after an hour and 45 minutes you have more semen than the Fifth Fleet so when you go it's like my eyes and your wife goes now you now it feels [ __ ] aim for the kid talk I get outta here save yourself I'm a lawn boy not the drapes too [ __ ] late and all of a sudden you run out of semen on your testicles are going we still have an erection here my man I'm gonna be firing off blood urine whatever I find oh dang the erection from [ __ ] hell dear God you make every goofy [ __ ] face you've ever known [Applause] don't touch it [Applause] don't even look at it don't think about it because you realize that God gives you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time people say to me after seeing that they go to your kids see that I went no home daddy's not hurting mommy we're just doing magic we don't want them to come in gun what is that position 12 it's not like what I saw online my son actually was 10 saw me performing in the Dennis Miller show and came up afterwards and said father you have to set limits it's just like thank you my tiny conscience my little Mormon friend no son my son has become Sylvester the cat son like Oh father must you embarrass me frightening though how bright he is it's this amazing thing where basically it's like child 2.5 you know he's there he's playing video games was like kitty crack anyways I he's also instant messaging he's doing his homework he's on the phone you and I walk in going you are very bright what is this it's a ColdFusion laser I made with Legos don't touch it fine fine have a weird feeling that one day is gonna come go i'm letting you go i I found you a family in Korea great maybe your sister will still care for me she's sweet she's 12 and hormones are kicking in and all of a sudden your karma is right in front of you there she is with little breasts I'm going no oh please no because I know soon boys we'll be outside the house like cats and your daughter come out and your daughter - meow honey get the hose forget the liberal [ __ ] get away go home and play the home game like I did get out of here or like her 14 year old brother who would take those three hours showers I'm going dear God man I know what you're doing you don't need to catch and release you don't have to watch them out the seal come out of there what are you doing boy then I found a condom it was used and I was good I thought of me went whoa oh god I've got to have that talk son I have to talk to you about drugs anyway what do you need karma I guess you know why your middle name is codeine okay let's get that out of the way and there eddie haskill until you say the one word no they come in going dad God your mom look great tonight what do you want the car no [ __ ] the [ __ ] that's total [ __ ] up [ __ ] old man [ __ ] you're the [ __ ] trying to keep me in the house me and the homies don't wanna chill we want to leave the crib because I'm going out looking for a little trim [ __ ] I'm going yo excuse me snoop but the last time I remember you were a rich white kid cuz all the [ __ ] he's doing to me I know my parents are rejoicing in heaven going Oh payback's a [ __ ] oh whether you're poor or whether you reach higher you got to know payback's a [ __ ] girl all that time you had your fun all that time you were on the run all that stuff ever done it's all coming back to number one cuz everything you ever do all that's coming back to you because all the times all the push all the shove is like Mother Teresa says you can do no great things but only small things with great amounts of love good night [Applause] it's not the grim reaper maybe it's a grim rapper maybe it's just some guy that comes for you and goes like you know yo yo yo it's time to go you've lost all your fluids your vital SAP time to get ready for the big dirt nap I'm telling you this with all my heart you've had it from the beginning from the very start whether you're going down below or whether you're going up above there's only one thing that you got to know only one thing the pattern the days my friend we thought they'd never [Music] [Music] when you're 16 you're invincible when you're 18 you're invincible and no every [ __ ] thing you're in love for the first time it's over I can't repeat this picky [Music] the world but first I'm gonna get a job then on to 18 but you like there is nothing like death maybe someone dies but it's freakish [ __ ] like a friend dies when you're 18 it's like oh [ __ ] dude correct but I'm still invincible and then you get to be 20 and it's like not only are you invincible you can get loaded for the first time and be it really an [ __ ] Oh [Music] days my friend I'm glad I could come off that now [Music] well I'm okay you know I'll quit it when I'm 30 and then funny you hit 30 and another couple of friends time you go Oh can't be doing blow and have a kid because you were going daddy wants to play it's four o'clock good morning wanna play with you and the judge said alimony buddy really meant all the money and it's okay I'm sorry and it's like you know it's okay you'll get you'll get it back and then our friend dies of a heart attack and you're going doc this time to put your finger my ass okay yeah do the completing all right that's good luck urine stool just take my underwear here you there you go um and then you get 50 and then the parents start to buy [Music] and you hit 61 and go beyond and maybe you hit 70 and you're looking around going home IRA IRA man what's your name and you get 80 and 90 mm it's so good you're still good you still vital the bolding yet I love people my hair a little tarnished the cause is the resection happen don't yo-yo you coming with me now seeing how you're feeling and you know somehow I'm gonna take you down without a sound they're gonna bury your ass let the soul flop let your heart be free come on now baby you come and take care [Music] [Applause] I want to thank you in coming out in this Iditarod kind of weather that kind of thing where people Chicago go it's not that cold all right when my nipples are like diamonds then I'll call you people going outside cold enough for you no I'm not a [ __ ] Eskimo it's cold enough for me this is very beautiful though this kind of so this is Donald Trump's living room great lifestyles of the rich and famous watch out soon life's tool to the rich and famous uh-oh someone's had corn or caviar watch out we've got him here tonight on the Kaka Channel I like what you've done with the lovely soldiers field you did kind of a Coliseum thing now kind of a Maximus Hale kind of thing we just decided to tear it down we're gonna have another Kaminski feel and just [ __ ] piss people off again I'll be afraid we ate a thousand what he had a hundred thousands he stadium now will seat 60,000 people haha hey the Bulls won three games in a row thank you Jesus Thank You Lord Jerry Krause you [ __ ] idiot what are you doing what the Jerry Krause who said winning a championship is about management it's like the captain of the Titanic saying piloting a large boat is about navigation yes when you start selling off your major players it's saying [ __ ] the lifeboats we don't need them we can win without that's crazy tipping that Rodman that magic coke overhaul we've lost sir hahahahaha what do I care I mean Chicago where the dead can vote yes for the voters of today are found in the obituaries of tomorrow you don't have any that crazy Miami stuff you know no missing the ballots no I didn't know I thought you vote left to say I didn't when the dead voted shirley maclaine time I'm channeling a lot of old coming through don't be afraid where's Mork well you know my friend I do this to kind of forget about him but it's so great though you can be doing I could win like you know I have an Academy Award all this other [ __ ] with it you can have the Nobel Prize and it's still go where it's more and people come up and say the weirdest [ __ ] like you did that movie what was that called pork and Simbi what's that movie what was her name Diddy diddy zubi zubi sabes that mean what was the thing Mork yeah it's also great when little kids come up and go my father watched you and he was my age great thank you anyway once you tell me I'm dying to go get away get away this has been a great night thanks this is the first night of the tour so it's like get out and try it [Applause] hello sir how are you are you escorting her he's with you the lords man your son so it's a family night it's nice to bring mom to a show like this afterwards a couple of beers go see a stripper it's a full night what are you doing with the apples don't ask sorry I heard about the mayor and I'm going that's biblical let's just leave it alone what did she do she can core it without her hand that's the trick even Clinton's going I want to meet this girl I guess we're here in this place for you basically you eat cheese sausage what else do you eat that doesn't block your colon like ah yeah we eat a lot of sausage here and cheese and [ __ ] that just backs you up like the Michelin Man oh don't shine or that stuff right there I can't crap I passed on entire cheese log the other day nuts in all the damn thing just went right through me I have to drink this because your River is not drinkable anymore Cryptosporidium that's what you have here isn't it what the [ __ ] is even Superman's going [ __ ] I'm not going in I can't go in the lake it has Cryptosporidium whatever it is it's not acceptable even the fish are going kill me I guess you've been named now the lesbian capital of USA which is all the sisters and comfortable shoes to go on mm-hmm what drew you here was it the harley-davidson or the Kotex factory what was it what brought you so maybe tonight we could raise some money to help your state budget I guess you're a little bankrupt right now it's okay you're selling off your state planes which I didn't know you had that many of 27 planes you're selling off 23 of them at a million point 5 for 23 planes I'm a little afraid of that bargain first of all I want to see who folded those [ __ ] secondly check for a rubberband because nothing's that cheap alright is this from the Milwaukee air force come on so you drove all the way from Beacon Hill bless you to come here all the folks from Bikaner down here going damn it don't start the show little white man till I'm here I paid a shitload of cash I'm gonna see the damn thing work for me monkey boy here we go nice to be here I've noticed that you're still conducting the excavation and I'm very happy about that yes yes very soon you'll be able to bury Pharaoh what do you call it we call it the money pit [ __ ] what are you talking about it yeah it's nice that you hired the tunnel people to build it for you though the big pigs we're eventually going to connect with England yeah soon my friend soon you will be there or maybe you dig through to China they will pay for it oh there we all find it we all dig all the way through and then you'll have a tunnel and traffic will be less but you will be and Shanghai there nothing else to do except just put money in the [ __ ] hole the big dig yeah no [ __ ] baby but it's nice one day you'll get it done and go I remember when they were car by then you'll all be floating in hover cars going oh that's about I want to thank if there's anybody here from MIT you know who they are they're the people who actually can heckle a beautiful mind the ex is just that going the formulas are wrong it's a finite formula finite MIT the only place where were Stephen Hawking can do comedy Grenada car walks into a bar the bartender sings would you like a beer and Rene six I think not and he disappears the way I know all of a sudden you are playing the way I know of all the people going very obscene never say that again you're on the way I am on wine now the new wing of the Wang donated by Mr Wong the Wong wing of the Wang what we like to say Fenway with cleaner bathrooms this is nice to be here in this city of brotherly love free [Music] your daughter brought you here this is mom okay kind of a Jerry Springer kind of night I guess I'm I'll tell that man I'm gonna kill that man I never did that man I'm a big woman me and love big women Oh baby uh-huh I saw one where a [ __ ] was cheating on his wife he's my little man no [ __ ] this week I love you baby I love you baby and then he got in a fight and the guys going what are you gonna do was it allows me come on I'll kick your ass you better get a stool first [ __ ] see I'm sorry hey I have to drink this I'm not really gonna sample your skull punch I'm really sorry I think you have to worry when your River gets that kind of creme brulée thing going you know when you can go I'm Jesus no you're not it's just polluted shut up I'm gonna walk the Camden good [ __ ] luck walk I also thank you for your local food I had one of your Philadelphia cheesesteaks and dear Christ that thing is Oh as I ate it I realized it's not gonna leave me it's a food with a half-life my friend I imagine they'll find my remains and they'll still be going Thomas come here look it's a skeleton and a cheese steak [Applause] I'm sorry I'm a little late I asked somebody where peach tree was and [ __ ] Oh God I got a pastry road peach tree Lane peaches and cream peachy-keen peach schnapps Lane man you're like a damn compass near North you don't know where to go just keep going till you get to the pit I guess they're smoking there they must be working up in Noble today yeah baby I know if you feel ill up there try and just cross the state line I said I wanted my mama cremated not smoked cured you don't leave her there till winner just add water and she's back what were they giving his ashes Larry Easter substitute concrete I knew it was bad when we're through grandma in the lake and she set up well obviously you've rebuilt since Sherman things are looking good Tiernan the home of Ted a death Ted and Jane oh they're gone now oh I guess she found God and Ted found out it wasn't him [Applause] nice to be here such a beautiful day today hola those cherry blossoms are almost in blue me what are some of these plants just it's not marijuana mr. Nixon it's not marijuana they found some more tapes oh god bless us Nixon sang you know the Jews want a legalize pot because they're all psychiatrists yeah dick what else do you want to talk about no Henry you're a good you I like you I know those homosexuals what are you going with they're all out in Northern California and what about the Greeks that's what caused it who's the homosexual Greeks like Socrates and Aristotle Henry Oh are you a Jewish homosexual no dick oh good Roy corns on line two I'll be right there God what was he on I guess nothing he was out of his [ __ ] mind Henry can we nuke the North Vietnamese no dig a hole down I want to use the toys but I did drive by the George Bush Center for intelligence today and I went [Applause] Wow so he's got a place to go that's so good that you're working with them today sir we're going to learn not to wave at blind musician [Applause] does he leave phone messages for Marley Maitland to Adam Marley pick up it's George pick up it is so nice to be here in the daughters of American Revolution Constitution Hall yes they must be really goddamn old by now do they consider Sally Hemings as a sister of the Revolution maybe most of you are going that was Thomas Jefferson's old lady you know not say you know what tom was just saying yo Sally stick with me girl you stay with me I'll make you first made come on have some kids Tom you want to finish writing the first draft I'll be right back girls stay there I'll be right there you know let's try the first draft again we hold these truths to be self-evident that all rich white men wearing wigs are created equal what do you think lose the wigs fine Betsy Ross what do you think [ __ ] guess you're a baseball season starts tomorrow is that so or today was it today obviously you give a [ __ ] I see we're so excited the Indians yeah baby not as shitty as the Cavaliers though you know that goddamn you bring a pair of sneakers to a Cavalier game they'll let you play good good luck with the Browns this year's try not to throw the bottles okay where the [ __ ] did you think you were cell semantics I want my team to e yeah but you don't have Art Modell you're safe now you're okay his new name Osama bin Laden hiding out somewhere in a cave in upstate thank you I'm sorry if you're gonna heckle just wait one [ __ ] second you have to make an actual sound you can't just go over don't give me that Willie Nelson I'm mellow [ __ ] he already gave me the plant so let's not worry these are all medicinal these are all medicinal pot plant why can't they let old people have medicinal pot they're not gonna sell it your grandmother's not hey I've got some dynamite weed come here what happened grandma I just knit a caftan for the garage we're gonna did for Willie my god even Buddha's going that guy smell Oh these people obviously not coming huh hey good [ __ ] money and now they don't show up or is this for the Bush twins Boosh girls are coming everybody be quiet they bought some adult seats girl you can't use the ID two times in a row Oh since the bush girls aren't coming we can diss their dad okay good oh I'm sorry you're going he started here we don't talk about yeah he's a good man in many ways so what if he doesn't speak well also saw Leslie who was your downtown transvestite having come from San Francisco I'm not shocked I'm like what the speedos a nice touch the hook I mean the banana hammock and the tits that's like bozo had a kid I don't I come here a lot because I come here for the ride for the Roses I rival mr. Armstrong thank you I'm sponsored by Viagra I ride hard I ride long many times I don't need a kickstand from my bike you'll understand so you act nice to be here Verizon there [ __ ] great step Oh hola Salima Kauai Oh Verizon this reception fucking-a someone gave me this which is kind of cool I have one of the last Enron field had some woo I guess you're up for a new name now huh this amendment field won't fit up [ __ ] creek field no Arthur Anderson won't have a stadium but then the seats would have to turn both ways what are you gonna do the hidden shredder field no home of the shredders no you can't do that but it's in Houston where they have the artificial breasts right or the breast implant put a big nipple on that [ __ ] call it the titty don't call it the Houston tits and Astros do it yeah but so far the Texans are right up Texans are undefeated mr. Williams and they better not buy that team out from under our ass because you're gonna pull that team to Tennessee and clumb of Tennessee Texans [ __ ] off with that that's why we named them Texans they're gonna stay damn those people still coming in there just watch just one last drink I want to be properly medicated for the boy I have been all day on Bourbon Street so this is just a continuation I've also had a poor boy so if I have to leave you'll understand why Lord child damn thing hit my lower track and went whoa you never had a fried oyster before brace yourself Thank You faith yeah baby but this is burnt but we call it black in put down there may call them fritz pricey things all they're put on there but Paul Prudhomme holding his big ass around go getting attention down put on the dang in his neck now put on the grease all over my bucket then sell it to the big people up north and they'll be getting fat as me don't be afraid to breach the chicken put it on rustic [ __ ] fly out of the pan put it back in slide your hand in the chicken's ass make it feel good before it dies there there you go put a bread crumb flip around up with it so now here it is for the doesn't mean they're gonna anything tariff foods down here I want what is that you don't want to know that's a crocodile tipped what we do share is take the crocodile take the titties all night let base them and I put it in a sauce serve it with its own milk it's so good it's nice to be here today with that lovely kind of nuclear spring flowers are like Anne Heche they're out there in they're out I don't know I can't deal with it I was very happy today a walk to well I didn't actually have to walk outside it's kind of like the downtown Habitrail thing you've got going it's great hamsters must go this is big building [Music] never outside people are going I've been in Minneapolis for 40 years I've never seen the outside I understand though that during the winter it's like what is a thousand below or like I really don't think two gets any colder or don't you know oh yeah oh God all right and there's I know people are going we don't all talk like that but a few of your [ __ ] do you have 10,000 lakes and Jesse Ventura will not jump into one of them damn it mou-chan but it's Seattle you're just happy you have the [ __ ] Sunday you're all outside two days in a row divine sake you Great Spirit I am sorry we cannot find a virgin to sacrifice but we thank you will you take a heavily pierced person instead do not be afraid oh nice to say people are demonstrating again people are back out just what are you protesting I don't know I am a needless support the United newest party matter of fact don't support us I don't want your support as a minister you nothing I promise you nothing I want nothing don't vote for nihilism I was thinking of quitting coffee but this isn't the town I guess kind of like opening a Betty Ford in Columbia not a good idea hey so you want to quit drugs what a [ __ ] dumb idea to come here every five feet Starbuck yeah please yes yellows best yeah baby Drona cappuccino now I want an L Pacino I want hot coffee right if they [ __ ] know and give me the steamed milk in the ass and that kind of man Dewey meanwhile Jared go over dressed as a woman across town No yes people who don't know that it was a g-string man looking for Eliot Ness trying to find John Dylan just dick to put it on Einstein's brain to have someone who could [ __ ] all night and talk about it for the rest of eternity what does that mean Wow we've got deaf signers people in the wrong seats welcome to Portland [Applause] shut down this is nice hi you folks don't be afraid I don't stage-dive yeah I like him Museum of punk history here that was really nice to to actually see people with a mohawk ananka [ __ ] alright things I haven't seen since 78 [ __ ] I it's nice to be here in your lovely city I guess you folks are having a problem you're trying to keep your assisted-suicide thing going and I saw the Kevorkian chicken place that's okay none of these chickens they took their own life don't be afraid there's no bad karma come on down to the sign of the Kevorkian chicken they put Kevorkian in prison if he basically does lethal injection does that apply his work study well if people golf Mayberry is an Ashcroft I won't let you do that it's like edge+ going you can't kill people I can though god damn we're in Vegas you don't need drugs here there's [ __ ] pyramids and fairy castles like oh what's wrong [ __ ] man there's a pyramid and a [ __ ] Caesar and [ __ ] going on even HG Wells is going something's wrong every time periods here making money and then Siegfried and Roy at that point I'm going okay game's over man it's like Liberace meets the Discovery Channel it's those cats those cats are the closest thing to [ __ ] those eyes will ever see it's nice to be here in Toronto or as I like to say with this heat and garbage New York North god bless you all right welcome to our [ __ ] world a Canadiens working out trying to be rude [ __ ] off you haven't got it down yet you haven't got that whole nasty [ __ ] down yet you're trying we're having a big problem in America right now on the Pledge of Allegiance you can't say one nation under God so I've come up with one solution one nation under Canada above Mexico thank you I know but you god bless your mayor Mel he's certainly done a great goddamn stuff hello i'm mel last one come on down to Mel's house a garbage pick up something on the way incredible Gail's come on down I'm a small man with bad hair come on down you're in deep [ __ ] and it's hot too and Mel says the garbage strike is gonna go till October first time you get a couple of rats going is there anything else we haven't eaten yet I think Mel knows now that we're here for a while Mel maybe you should get a flute and try and lead us down to the lake I guess you lost raul mondasey he's gonna wave traded for two minor league players that should be great for his ego and you lost Cujo which is just because the [ __ ] name that's the good idea all right I didn't pay for it don't look at me with a name like Cujo as a goalie its Cujo hello there I know you're having an economic crisis but it's hard to take you seriously when you say the loonie is down oh I feel so sorry for you the loonie what about this fishy and the grabby what about that you have animals on your money I was amazed I even got in the country the immigration is so tight do you have a degree no just speak two languages Bonjour but of course you have a prime minister Juncker can you talk tied up on one side of his mouth that is all right huh don't cook and the only man I don't need a [ __ ] Secret Service a guy goes to hit me I [ __ ] knock him out hey I am Not Afraid i pummel him I knock him out but I come from Quebec who keeps wanting to break away from Canada but they still want to keep the currency oh oh that's really good move that's like a kid who's going [ __ ] off I'm leaving home but could you still send me money all right I still want to be on mum stick alright but that is your egg you cannot have for everything you know but that's hard to beat I don't mind talking like him back stop it I also want to thank you for building Camden yard that's a damn nice Stadium you did a good job thanks to you all over the country people built new baseball stadiums all across America even the ghosts of Babe Ruth is going so good to be here Memphis today I did go to Graceland or as I like to say club medicated I didn't know Ray Charles had a decorating license but it there's a really there's some wild colors there's colors in there you don't see in daylight Sunday I'll give me my gun Bob Goulet no hints you could buy a shirt like this and not care there's things in there that fer tacular the jungle room is designed to be made by people with a big chainsaw going [ __ ] Elvis bought every time I so nice she built that pyramid it's nice to have a Coliseum you can see from [ __ ] Uranus I like driving into the city going our dear Christ yeah that's our Coliseum we have to pull over till the sunset soon the chicken will be done and garden you let Mike fight here way to go whoo oh yeah Mike likes it so much he's going to open a barbecue place it's gonna be called Mike's bucket of ears come on down this is Music City USA this is nice but right now I guess you're wondering you're gonna have to make money somehow it's gonna be welcome to the Tennessee telethon we're gonna raise money or the state's gonna [ __ ] shut down it's either 6% or a huge bake sale come on down a bullet tax I don't [ __ ] know what and it's nice that Al's moving back and he bought a 2.5 million dollar mansion right here in Nashville just so he can be near the people amen yes welcome to Tennessee air in case of a loss of cabin pressure a bottle of Jack Daniels will fall from the ceiling god damn that'll beat the [ __ ] out of oxygen at this point even my penis is gone I forgot if you make that noise here it's a call isn't that kind of goes back to the great misunderstanding doesn't it the Civil War it's all about product placement and labor relations Robin you just had better weapons you bastard and a shitload of people got dying on thank you I think I've learned my lesson there it's gonna be like a go money this is how movement starts got to be very careful I want to thank you for not having your mobile phones go off tonight because it can be a little rough some doctors are going some people may die but that's okay mobile phones don't make the same noise as they used to they used to be it was fine but now or personalized phones that are just for you like that's mine or get one for your grandfather that goes yeah [Applause] you see people now they have the hands-free phones they're standing like this corner oh yeah yeah they look like they're out of their [ __ ] mind some poor homeless guy is going that's my app people won't give me money now they think I'm on a [ __ ] mobile phone I am talking to myself I am not talking to another party you know your computer talks to you now it's he's got that perky voice you've got ma'am they're never cops an attitude going you've got a letter [ __ ] what's barnyard fun shut up to leak leak leak ever Mercedes I got in the car went are you Jewish why do you ask just a question it was not my fault I know Porsche built depends at fine can we start the engine now I'd like to go downtown shall I take a direct route yes up ahead I want to go left you always do go right no go right I'll inflate one airbag every five seconds or you get that new GMC truck that goes thank you hit something you might want to turn back it could be good eating [Applause] because your appliances are now talking to each other about you you don't want to be 3 o'clock in the morning going yes refrigerator open please no Robin I've talked to the scale your ass is huge refrigerator haagen-dazs override code 3.0 no rub until you log 2.2 hours on the treadmill the treadmill which is a really hard thing that's where you actually can run and be circumcised Wow there's the product for the Jewish man on the gold a tread moil can you believe it I'm losing weight and losing my foreskin at the same time call now po peels pockets one more Hill [ __ ] the bit but who cares doesn't matter because science is your friend espresso machine double espresso Robby you seem tense no not tonight I for it fine TV mr. Williams you've reached your porn limit No may I ask what is snatch Adams be Claire door information information technology that's putting interesting you can actually look at that and read it and imagine things even better than the 3d graphics that's pretty wild they mapped the human genome that's wonderful remember the first clone it was an exact duplicate of a sheep and went Wow who could tell the [ __ ] difference before but wait I'm sure there's one Scottish farmer Gordon I know oh I know the difference oh yeah they're all unique in their own way and then they cloned rabbits and I went why the [ __ ] would you clone rabbits all they do is [ __ ] duplicate it's like making a Xerox of a Xerox why would you do that and then they cloned a cat and I know there's some redneck corn oh [ __ ] they're cloning [ __ ] can you make a [ __ ] that doesn't talk no mr. Clinton we can't move on come on step up

Channel: Geoff Jacobs

Views: 828,514

Keywords: Robin Williams, Live 2002, Full Album, Complete Album, Comedy, Standup Comedy, 2002, World Cup, Winter Olympics, Texas, Utah, Golf, George W. Bush, Lance Armstrong, Planes, Flying

Id: FS376sohiXc

Length: 115min 20sec (6920 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 17 2018