Phil Jupitus - Quadrophobia

[Music] thank you foreign [Music] would you please welcome Phil Jupiter [Applause] thank you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome to the West End of London and my elaborately designed Set uh it's basically me and a ruler pretty good huh line there line there line there line there line there line there that'll do me so hi I'm Phil 20 stone I know you were wondering um I was reading an article it's a true story I was reading an article recently about near-death experiences and being a comedian it's a subject I'm [ __ ] interested in so and it would say they had five people that had you know died and been brought back you know and they'd gone one of them was like gone for five minutes and then been revived and they asked them all what they remembered from it and and it was Eerie because all of them said well it's weird because the vision kind of goes all tunnily you get like tunneling vision and then they there was this bright light but they weren't afraid of the light and they felt themselves being drawn towards the light right you know and they were getting closer and closer to the light and I thought this was good and maybe this means that there's something to you know spirituality and maybe there is a God and then I wondered attitude drivers know when they're dead so you're a tube driver and you have a massive heart attack when you're on the job you know and then tunnel bright light you're thinking Hoban you're supposed to be preparing yourself for the next world but no you know you arrive at the bright light yeah and you think oh they fixed the PA what if you're a tube train driver and you're a massive hypochondriac though you know and every time you pull out the station no no it's Piccadilly Piccadilly's Piccadilly ladies and gentlemen I apologize for the announcement about my death this is such a cool job this I really love it because you know you take absolutely anything and you know make grits from it one of the things I'm really going to miss though uh Clinton goes out this year and that's a great shame because he provided so many comedians with so much great material but on the positive side his wife is running for Senate in New York which is a good thing good old Hillary Hillary Clinton the Marge Simpson of international politics I've actually got a video if you remember when he did the video appearance and he went I did not have sex with that woman when he did that speech if you've got a video of that and you crank the volume up really loud he goes I did not have sex with Miss Lewinsky in the background you can just hear you told me you didn't have sex with that woman bill Hillary I'm the president I lied interns I'm gonna miss him a [ __ ] it's fantastic oh got my own problems anyway I got my own problems I'm a parent I'm a dad I've got two daughters and a bit of a situation the other day my eldest bought a boy on for the first time and I think it's safe to say that I reacted quite badly you came in all right Dad this is Billy Billy thank you you're going to put the kettle on darling while I talked to Billy she went out the room and I went up to this Billy and I went if you so much as touch her I'll cut you Billy starts crying still that's seven year olds for you no spot [Applause] I'm tough but fair it's terrible you know it's odd because kids you know they're growing up in a new millennium and they're like into computers and stuff I can't even get any respect to you know electrical retailers I bought a cinema sound TV and I've got completely [ __ ] over when I bought this thing I went you know I went down to the shop and I made the mistake of going at the weekend because you only get professional service from Electronics retailers if you go during the week because the regular staff are on you got you on the road you go I'd like to buy a television please they go certainly sir if you'd like to follow me there's a full range over there you know just when you've found one you like give us a shout I'll tell you a bit more about it that's great I went on a Saturday what a fall I walk in I go I like about television please oh what televisions his ears up here the badge is upside down he's got acne I can hear madam all the blackening he sounds like bubbling minestrone I'd like to buy a television no no Follow Me Right television television television television there's a television at all there's another television that's a television that's a big pile of microwaves yeah then I do that thing the all middle-aged men do and they go to shops and they're not getting the service they want they become posture the other way all right mate can I bought a television please perfectly normal but you know he's [ __ ] me off so now it's fetch me your manager immediately young man for I am the mayor of casterbridge and I demand satisfaction in my electrical retailing go Heather bring him fall there he goes off he returns with a toddler this is Mr Cavendish more supervisor Pokemon pajamas Thomas the Tank Engine slippers and I went that mission happened he starts crying I felt horrible hey the supervisor cried eventually the situation was resolved by the branch manager who was a fetus in a bell jar oh [ __ ] hell they're young at them shops aren't they so I got a cinema sound TV it's fantastic you know and it's got a big red button on the remote Cinema Sound and so I put I put the old DVD in and I go Cinema Sound and this voice behind me goes put your red down your fat [ __ ] [Applause] 10 minutes later I hear an old man finishing a Kia aura foreign is these days if you get a big [ __ ] off TV you must get a big [ __ ] off film to watch on it so I got a couple I got The Phantom Menace it's all right not bad if you like that sort of thing it's not bad if you're completely obsessed by it as well I got it the phantom menace I like it but it's a touch over Celtic don't you find it's a little bit of a Celtic film you know she's got Liam Neeson haven't you Liam Neeson in the quagon Gin the Jedi Master and so on so here's he is [Music] [Applause] learn the ways of the force the surprise Yoda didn't come out in a little green hat with a buckle on it Pig under his arm ah Qui-Gon now you're telling the little fella about the forest but I am Yoda and why don't you give us a song Jedi dance I should have called it the Fenton mcmenis anything's ashes so that is such a cracking film reference sir and it went over many people's heads not surprised the cause weren't in it let me get the feeling when you watch the cause that somewhere in the world there's an Irish theme pub with no staff in it leprechaun Roadies I was watching I was watching the closing concert once and uh and their brother was being sucked off by a goat but nobody noticed when you're not laughing me now I'm being sucked off by a goat over here ah go on and look at me now I'm looking at them I know they're gorgeous and so they are they're my sisters and I'd take a crack at them but come on over here somebody pay attention to me now Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi there's an odd piece of casting for you I'm not the perfect person for that particular gig all you had to do is go back to the source material the great late ceramic Guinness you know look I know your father we're a prep school together yes we would bathe each other in the showers in a cheeky way because he was a Jedi too look it's Eddie Izzard isn't it [Applause] [Music] I did [Applause] [Music] [Music] ah yeah good thing these are really good for making toast you know so Darth Vader and then stab him with Harry Hill as Darth Vader chocolate chip cookies welcome [Applause] I'm your dad what are the children also I've got Apollo 13 as well I've got Polo 13. there's a great film and he watches Apollo 13 I realized why the British never went into space and it's not because we didn't have the technology the desire of the funding that's because the British just would have been [ __ ] in Space the Americans are just built for that kind of gig you know I think it's to do you see the Americans it's a very young Nation isn't it they've only been over there for a few hundred years and they went they tear us across the continent Wipe Out the indigenous population then they get the Pacific and they go is that it we want more we're hungry for fun and then they uh well we'll go up there [ __ ] it let's have a go foreign us the British we've been on this Little Rock just off the coast of Europe in the middle of the Atlantic for [ __ ] thousands of years I know we're interested in really is tea and biscuit space I don't know if I really want to go to space will there be tea and biscuits I think I'll stay here and moan about things if that's all right with you foreign Armstrong Neil Armstrong you see he was the first man on the moon he made that historic step and he said this is one small step for man but a giant leap for mankind history making words we're just so fortunate that it wasn't an Englishman that was the first on the moon because he would have gone oh I'm getting on the moon now I'm on it a big Frank review it's a bit of a [ __ ] I'm coming on put the kettle on Barry and Apollo 13 you know those those three Brave American astronauts you know 500 000 miles from home their rocket blows up you know and you can't call AA relay they don't go out that far hey relay yeah ma'am we're currently in a rocket heading for our fiery desk can you insist over 55 minutes sir please remain with your rocket that's it you know to get the British national it's a British astronauts in Polo 13. which just wouldn't have been the same thing at all would it [Music] [ __ ] come to think of it it's a good job I'm wearing the spice suit now always come up now it's come up oh it's not nice Bang why are you shouting at me oh yeah don't you you know put that in a boat are you at the bank I think we all did you know and then you start shouting that's just compounding the situation I are already nervous you know and then you captain of the mission Mr study under the tiller shouting and screaming like I'm girl shut up you survive with the rocket oh sorry I didn't know right well I've had a quick look and the rocket is broken I do not want to wear that I can't miss you to draw hello motion control this is Apollo 13 please respond ing this is Mission until Whitley Bay what appears to be the trouble bunny lad oh trouble I'll tell you the [ __ ] trouble pal [ __ ] off you're not the one in a broken [ __ ] rocket pal oh yeah Apollo 13 all the lads here at Whitley Bay are rooting for you and in a situation like this every single second is I Two Sugars love yeah you'll not forget how many sugars I have I know Anna I'm not sweet enough I'll go on with you have you done any Wagon Wheels love foreign you see I come from that weird Nation also but I think personally I can't deal with technology I know this for I know this for a fact now because recently I bought my first computer yes just into a new millennium just in time I got a new computer and you know it's brilliant the last thing I bought was a stylophone for God's sake you know uh I learned the beginning of the Life on Mars and then that was it I've now got computer is fantastic and uh I got an iMac I bought it off my mum because she bought it and she was trying to use it to get the hair off her legs and uh I think she really fully grasped the concept so I bought this thing off and uh it's fantastic you get it and you know I was I'm not very good at first you know you crash it an awful lot and I didn't you know I don't really trust computers I think it's the fault of of every computer you've ever seen fiction is always a force of evil isn't it Bond villains always had a super computer didn't they oh yes Mr Bond I'm going to destroy the beautiful city of Paris over there those 28 wardrobes have over one Meg of memory my supercomputer will destroy Paris Mr Bond when I press this button what's gone wrong with it Graham oh it hasn't not again but hang on a minute yeah hello yes yes yes yes is Professor evil here I bought a 386 Essex evil computer from you and it keeps crashing hold on Graeme if you press Ctrl alt and delete it didn't work unplug it and plug it in again a bit of a problem there we've got it wired into my volcano how could you ever trust a computer after seeing that film at no point did you ever see Dave the astronaut on the phone to the technical support line did you hello it's Dave the astronaut here I bought a Hal computer from you a while ago and it's playing up a bit what's it done well it's killed all my friends now I've had a look in the troubleshooting guide and there's nothing about murder in it who are you talking to and another thing you didn't tell me it was gay Dave come over here and look in me red eye [ __ ] off my computer spoke to me I shot myself it was unbelievable you know because I'm there I crashed it and I'm looking in the manual and suddenly it goes alert you have committed a dead three nine port to error please refer to the manual or reboot system brilliant it's this weird sort of roboty woman's voice comes out and I investigate a little more on all computers talk now and this is Victoria high quality and I must say I find her quite alluring just stopped crashing the computer deliberately alert you are committed a type 392 error I know I'm a bad boy so it's fantastic so you get this thing the whole selling point of the iMac is you can whack it straight in the wall and send people emails straight away so that's what I did I got it all set up I've got 10 friends email addresses and so I'm like it's in the wall and I'm like okay here we go Steve you're a wanker send new mail barrier or anchor send new mail Dave you wank send new mail Demi show us your tits send new mail gone [Music] open fill your wanker information superhighway so of course B I'm you know I'm in Showbiz so put my own name in one of them search engines Yahoo Google Ask Jeeves whatever I don't know what it was and I went in I put my name in and it came out you know we have 40 matches and there's sort of 39 [ __ ] reviews and then at the bottom there's this weird thing and in the middle of it it says this sentence that kind of caught my eye I saw that Phil Jupiter shopping in Sainsbury's the other day looking at that and so I'll go down a bit and this is what it says it says sort of Phil Jupiters I've never won the buzz cut shopping in Sainsbury's the other day I couldn't see what he bought though and that is the entire contents of the website I saw Phil Jupiter's information Super Highway that's fantastic though if you're into things that you can't find out about over here I'm quite an America file I mean a baseball you know I can look up the Red Sox scores using the computer I'm into American Comics Doonesbury and milk and cheese I can find out stuff about them there's some www.theunion.com incredibly funny website I urge you to go there if you're into weird images I hotly recommend www dot rotten.com and over there that filthy laugh is of a regular user of this particular it's got It's got things like autopsy photos on it of celebrities but my favorite thing it's got on there it's got this thing called animal Curiosities and there is a photo I [ __ ] you not of a raccoon [ __ ] a beagle the Beagle is a sort of like he looks like a bagel business as usual in bigger world but the raccoon you see he's little and he's a rodent and he's like whatever he's like this he's really sort of giving it something his little stripy Tails stuck out the back but he looks ever so slightly Sinister because you know raccoons have that little mask going on foreign rapist animals every man in this room that has a computer has that moment you've got quite a fail with using it you know I'd had this thing for about a week you know late one night family are all in bed kind of tired myself and a little bit lonely true if you tell ladies then the filth starts arriving from all over the world pornography starts coming into my computer it's unbelievable pornography but I mean pornography you know rather over in in England we have this really quaint view of pornography don't we say would you like to so that's English porn isn't it you know oh look at me whereas foreign Pawn has this Curious Thing Called sex in it and uh people actually having intercourse which is quite lovely I can assure you and these images I've never seen before I've never seen photos of it wow no but that is not his real up ah oh yeah no keep on that one oh ah mum www.mymun.com not going there again this way out of those you think that's bad she's in tonight uh terrible isn't it this is weird because the computer was developed to advance Humanity and you bent double over it like some sort of caveman my technology good but it's weird because you see this hand the penis hand is also the mouse hand there's a dichotomy at work then let's also factor in the fact that you don't want to get any belly butter on the keyboard do you so you're like or when you're like sort of ninja it's unbelievable you know you've been up late at night abusing yourself over a computer and it's a real giveaway when you go to the you know computer shop you go yeah I need a windscreen one for the computer hey I made a huge mistake because the first time I ever masturbated over the computer I'm there and I'm bashing away and I'm thinking oh I can't get anything out of the computer so at the very last minute I turn away wow we're getting over here is the DVD player just got too many gadgets you know I'm gonna hit something and that's not a nice experience you have to take that down the shop you know hi uh the kids were horsing around with some yogurt yesterday and we're sure that's the 25th yoga tea DVD player we've had those words but you become you become sexually jaded don't because you know there is now nothing I haven't seen there's nothing at all you know and you know I think oh God I never went laughs hang on hang on a minute hang on a minute let's stretch the imagination two weasels [ __ ] a skateboard search right that's what that looks like then okay some monkeys buggering a rhinoceros search a shame you see Nana my wife knows this is what I'm up to late at night I say yeah we've got to go and do the accounts [Music] you've been wanking haven't you you see I try and justify the technology I'm always saying it's a real Boon it's a real it's advancing the world computers are important love they really are I'm sorry I have to be up there at the frontiers of science [Applause] I said they're talking about putting computer chips in blokes this is it this is a true story research scientists in Cambridge have had one of their one of their fellows has had a computer chip placed in his arm and what they're thinking of in the future will have Smart houses when you get home the house has a little scanner around the front door knows you've got in Phil's home puts on the lights where you are activates the heating and the utilities in the room you're in if you're going to the television room it puts the Telly on to your favorite Channel they spend a week monitoring your habits and then they think for you and I said this is going to be a real Advanced life I'm sorry but Technology's there and she said no wasted time if you had a computer chip and you would just program it to remind you it went once in a while and I said well there's no need for that because the thought have a wank drifts around every man's mind like a kind of screensaver doesn't it have a wank another Wang have a wing have a wank flying toaster have a wank so when you finish your business for the day you know something immediately Springs to mind so it's like okay right I've done the accounts I went to Ikea I got that shelf unit dropped the kids off at school and I've done the shopping okay well that's me done for the day sits I'm you know I'm a technophobe you know that about me I'm also it's weird because I'll do this for a living I'm a stand-up comic for a living and it makes me quite frightened that real life is funnier than anything I can make up that is always always been one of my principal fears that that life is just so stoked with irony that I can't possibly compete and and my favorite ever story to illustrate this fact I'm going to tell to you now it's a true tale took place a few years ago at London Zoo this is a true story um a woman took London Zoo to court about four years ago because an elephant through a logata she's there for a day out herself her husband their two lovely children and this elephant slung along at her bam it hit her right in forehead she was unconscious this is true this unconscious for half an hour and she needed 14 stitches in the head wound that was sustained and when she woke up as you can imagine a bit [ __ ] off nothing in the brochure about it watch out for the elephants they're a bit handy if you get my meaning oh so she you know she gets chatted by this elephant and she's all right I'm going to take London Zoo to court now I'm no legal expert but if I was the lawyer for London Zoo my first question to this woman in cross-examination would simply have to be excuse me how [ __ ] stupid do you have to be not to see an elephant with a log you know it's not a squirrel with a flick knife we're talking about here the largest land animal in the world holding a bit of telegraph pole in its nose as if that wasn't stupid enough already and I was not a badger with nunchuck because it's a [ __ ] elephant with a log and it happened in the elephant house I'd have a degree of sympathy for this woman if it happened in the aquarium aquarium you know conceivably the elephant could creep up on you have to be wearing pencils or something you know oh the daddy at a zoo now who wants some ludicrous State of Affairs but she took legal advice and you know they said well you know you can do the zoo for negligence but that takes a long while to go through because it's corporate crime so what she decided to do was she decided to sue the elephant first cases do have to go through quicker yeah but the trouble is within assault cases you do have to have a positive identification from a line out so she has got to go to Camden police station and they're all going to be there number one number two number three number four and number five stop number two yeah number two the ladies picture out number two steps forward please you turn the left please number two round to the right laughs forward plays number two would you now trumpet please number two [Music] laughs number five two steps forward please two steps four plays number five come on we haven't got all day I only move that right say it again right laughs [Applause] did Arthur then ring any bells at all love to London she's taking London to a court as well that's a Fool's Aaron London Zoo is always in the evening standard moaning that they've got no money oh yeah yeah we're gonna have to shut they just say that to get people you can't shut this over the pot and the moles they've never shot that Zoo the only day you'd know London Zoo was shut is if you pulled up in the lights at Regent Street a Silverback Gorilla clambers on your Bonnet with a squeegee then you know foreign I could get London Zoo 5 million quid next Tuesday put me on after EastEnders they're now follows a broadcast on behalf of the London Zoological Society hello I'm TV's Bill Juniper you know London Zoo has been here for over a hundred years one of the most popular tourist attractions in the whole Capital it's given so much to millions of people like the children here from ignatius's primary school for little dickens's look at them Scamper around it's terrible to think that a zoo like this might not be here for much longer for them or indeed the generations to follow little Timmy over there is playing on our interactive computer center and Sally over there is doing a drawing of her mama's at his lovely and I'm going to take it home with me they can interact not only with technology and with creative materials but also with animals animals like Bingo the chinchilla here isn't it beautiful absolutely Lovely isn't he I'm going to be killing one of these things every hour on the hour until sorry son got a bit of chinchilla on you there from Bill Juniper thank you they should be making a fortune that Zoo because I could make a virtue of the fact I would pay good money to see an elephant throw a logger a [ __ ] I don't know about you I'll play [ __ ] it's a dozy mouth she was asking for it good one less [ __ ] hooray I've sat there with me popcorn well spent the zoo doesn't know how to Market itself it doesn't know how to capitalize on Golden opportunities remember we're in blokes we're getting in with the Lions I'd pay to see that I saw it once on telly and it was the most exciting moment of my life imagine seeing it live people getting in with the Lions and nearly being eaten what a result I'll never forget it as long as I live it's on News at 10 I'm watching news at 10 you know it's business as usual Trevor's on you know bong something terrible bong a further terrible thing bomb a third thing even more terrible than the first two terrible things I don't even wanna [ __ ] talk about the thought and the man climbs into the line enclosure at London Zoo we have footage after the break and I'm like [ __ ] off Trev you're ready to laugh and he goes no I seen the film earlier the Geezer gets in the cage with the Lions they're chasing him what is he like someone grip to the Telly then and sure enough after the break it comes on you know today A man was seriously injured when he climbed into the line enclosure at London Zoo in Regents Park a tourist who was there captured the entire event on film a section of which we are going to show to you now viewers of a nervous disposition may like to turn away this is the point at which I find myself pressing play and record foreign there is nothing quite like the words tragedy today at the farnborough air show send me studying for a blanket Dead Alive Again Dead Alive Again god with a remote so I'm watching this film on this bloke and they've taken the sound off it which I think is a wise move because it's just some Panther guy this is okay [Music] I will not stop filming they've taken that off you know because that's not good news reporters is it you know well it is on Sky News bombs and guns and that and shooting it's horrible and explosions I don't like it I want to go home Dave Jackson Sky News Belgrade so they show this bit of footage and I've studied it oh and I I'm 900 times so I know what happens what the fella does is he sort of there in the corner of the shop and then he he gets over the low wall step one accomplished what does he have to negotiate now eight foot Rose Garden pretty easy gig does the eight foot Rose Garden then ah the moat ah he's at the moat surely that will stop him unless of course he can swim oh I didn't think that one through did we he's taking the piss now he dives into the mode does a somersault in the middle swims across a butterfly you know he's having a laugh gets out the other side you know wet and mad and I think well he won't get any further now because he's moist and His Hands weren't going any purchase on the bars and indeed this is a good point well made he would not have been able to scale the bars at the old cage at London Zoo because they were cast iron vertical bars he'd just got four foot up and then slowed down but the new enclosure they built in the late 70s early 80s has both vertical and horizontal let's call them ladder style bars or ease of nutterage he's up there in a shade under three seconds and then he just rolls over the top and drops into the cage and this is a point the media picked up on they said if you had barbed wire on that cage you wouldn't have got in razor wire something like that and the zoo bloke said well yeah we do have to hold our hands up to that point but with this particular enclosure it's a design feature the reason we don't have barbed wire on it is because there's [ __ ] life lies in it now and we kind of thought that Lions would just you know the the barbed wire gilding the lily a little bit just just slightly too much if you're going to have barbed wire then you've got to have security Towers German guards machine guns a vaulting horse for the Lions one of who's probably in the corner of the cage forging French travel documents what so this guy has dropped into the cage and I'm watching this at my home and I'm watching this bloke he stood there but for like 15 seconds nothing happens because the lions are obviously thinking the same thing as me you know what the [ __ ] is he doing there the truth is actually is the lions were it's quite a large enclosure the lines were you know about 40 foot away in the other corner of the cage and I stood there three of them in a little huddle no no no all I'm saying is that one of the monkeys told me that the Tigers get more meat than us well yeah I know my point is that goes completely against the arbitration that we had two years ago there was supposed to be a blanket 50 kilos per big cat per week and the monkey told me that the tigers are getting 70. now if that is true we've got a very good case for compensation well all I propose is we draft a memo to the Head keeper you know I don't think we should outright accuse him of anything because then that gets off on the wrong foot you know but you know the fact of the matter is lions king of the Beast should count for something we've got a lot of good licensing deals out there we've got the lion bar The Lion King that's doing very well still in the West End I can assure you we've also got you know the Peugeot logo we're all over the government stationary you know what have they got they got the cereal and they got the petrol that's it getting old so what I propose we do what there's a what oh do grow up Gavin yes yes there's a bloke in the cage good one and it must have been working on that for weeks how's spontaneous yes and you're jumping up and down and pointing in his Direction what a very similitude oh I'm bound to turn around now would you stop it I'm talking about something very serious here this whole meat is stop pointing you don't have fingers you look stupid all right look Gavin I'm going to turn around but we all know that there is not a BL no let me see let me see I've never seen him before they're supposed to wear trousers excuse me are you a keeper hello they can't hear me he's singing Kev have we had any memos about new feeding Arrangements have a quick look in the file uh it'll be under s for schedules second draw nothing is there anything in the intro on top nothing there either I'm going to check the answer phone all right it's the elephants here listen if you fancy a laugh right throw stuff at the punters [Applause] you should see him running they look [ __ ] I've got one the other day [ __ ] spirit hello it's the Tigers here [Music] we were wondering if you'd like to come for a barbecue an x-ray we do seem to have rather a lot of meat lying around the place do give us a call there's nothing on the answer phone about it oh hang on this could be it hello lions pardon me who uh yeah yeah could you hold on a sec is there a Mr suck you off here is this to suck you off ladies and gentlemen I'm looking for a Mr suck you off right a lion will suck you off please apparently is an important message here a lion will suck you off oh [ __ ] it's the monkeys you little [ __ ] yeah yeah I'll [ __ ] do you pal look at me like that Gavin I was not the one that bought them phone cards for Christmas ah maybe we've had an email about it check that as yeah I was I was on the web before yeah look I'm on I'm on the internet yeah it's slow fat disabled antelopes website it's one of my favorites come out of yeah double click on that icon in email I told you to go on the course man double click on email we've got one oh brilliant read it out read it out I'm a wanker all right [ __ ] it let's eat him and the Lions they do they go across to eat him but um you know when you watch documentaries of lions and normally they'll go and they look quite cross when they're attacking ah now I remember because I've still got it on video the lines when they go for this bloke they're sort of surprises you who knew well when in Rome the media went completely mental about this you know they were totally up in arms about the whole Affair zoo of death despite the fact that bloke didn't die you know but you know zoo of injuries are really [ __ ] headline so of death and London Zoo doubled its security measures you know they had to put a sign up please do not ride the Lions and they put a bloke on the gate who goes morning welcome to London Zoo don't get me the Lions will you foreign measures oh [ __ ] you know a month later another bloke got into the lions another bloke got in with the Lions but he'd obviously seen the first bloke on television and learned from his mistakes he's done one of two things while he's watching the footage at home as well he's either gone no that's not how you do it wrong oh he's watching it and he's gone I'm having some of that either way his mission is to get in with the Lions what he does is he studies the first bloke and he likes the whole wool Rose Garden moat up and over technique all good that far plan Flawless but I don't like the being eaten by the Lions bit he thinks how can we stop that well the first boat did was he got in the cage as an omnivore with three carnivores and thus was lower in the food chain ah so second bloke thinks if I take food for the Lions and give it to them I will be an equal and they will allow me to enter the pride structure which is logical when you think about it and that's what he did he took food for the Lions genius what did he take zebra antelope hippo oh no he took one medium Tesco's oven ready chicken there are three 700 pound lions in that cave and this Visa took one a medium one that's the [ __ ] kicker medium he's there in Tesco's there are large chickens extra large turkeys geese whole sides of lamb but no one [ __ ] medium oven ready chicken you know and when I heard this I thought there is obviously a documentary I have missed hair on the vast Savannah grasslands of Africa the pride of lions we have been monitoring have now not eaten in some eight days the young cubs Frolic playfully in the savannah Sun unaware that unless a kill is made soon within the week they will almost certainly be dead however on the morning of the ninth day one of the lionesses returns from a hunting sortie with good news for the pride she has located the scent have that most revered rare and elusive of all the lions prey on the entire continent of Africa speaking of course of the chicken and the good news is it's a medium chicken I [ __ ] think not the blood gets in the cage and he thinks he's going to go check in and lions are going to go ah chicken it's raw chicken Gavin found the leopards get the slow cooker back chicken for ages have we got any red left we must have a bottle of red left what about that Merlot that the um Gibbons bought us we must still have that oh you did not drink that oh you bastard no he gets in the couch and he goes check in and the Lions go huh dinner real life you know that's it the two real stories there the woman getting hit by the line the bloke's getting in the cage true I'm going to tell you one more true thing and then I'm going right I'll tell you the True Thing This concerns me it's about myself it's quite a personal truth thing uh I I'm as I've said before I'm 38 and I have a fear that I've had since my childhood still with me still ravaged by it I don't know if I have any fellow sufferers in here tonight uh could I please hear the voices of anyone in this evening who's frightened of spiders thank you my people God bless you the rest of you of course shit-eating scum can [ __ ] off and I mean that in a loving way but you don't know what we have to deal with on a completely 24-hour day basis and it's completely irrational as well totally irrational and many people are Frank despite us because of an incident a specific incident maybe when they're a baby lying in the Cradle asleep quietly and a primal memory tells them to be frightened of these things maybe when you're about four you're at play school and you get your lunch out you get your little Beaker of Treetop squash and you open your Thunderbirds lunchbox expecting a penguin and some peanut butter and jam sandwiches with the crusts cut off just like mummy does and some crisps boom you know you remember that wouldn't you I'm frightened to the [ __ ] things and I don't know why you know I can't remember a specific incident it's just a general generic fear of spiders something you should also know is I can't kill them if I see one I can't just get the trainer of Doom and go for two main reasons firstly you know the sun's brothers are [ __ ] massive you know you'd just be it'd be like a Tarantino film bollocks and lungs everywhere teeth Jesus I don't kill them for that one practical reason but also because there's a poem and then told me now I can't remember this poem but the gist of it is kill spiders get cancer so I don't [ __ ] around my spot Progressive thinking man I've got systems and ways of dealing with spiders I have categorized them into three main categories there are subdivisions within those three categories I'm not going to go into them tonight I'm just giving you the blanket overview category ones they're anything from the teeny weeny little money spider lucky my ass right away up to about an inch there your general wall crawler wow that's sort of big now the first time I will see one as an arachnophobe is is just through the movement the movement is what we pick up on blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah people that are front despisers have got very good peripheral vision really good I'm looking at you mate all right now I'm looking at you I could see a spider there that's how good my peripheral vision is when it comes to spiders so let's say I'm at home watching TV on the skirting board over there is a category one so here we are watching telly in my head this is what now happens spider alert spider alert please increase heart rate and commence sweating now could you confirm with a visual sighting please we don't want to get all worked up over a tomato stalk again do we don't you feel like a [ __ ] idiot when you do that because it's always when you're actually cutting Tomatoes you know you go [Music] [Applause] confirm with visual sighting and I look around and you know it is a spider citing confirmed react verbally that's my verbal reaction to a category one you might have your own I don't [ __ ] care mine is Sam and then go to the kitchen get a glass then go the pinball in the kitchen get a postcard and you go back to the original sighting point of the spider you must do this quite quickly because if you get back to the original sighting point and the spider is gone that's a shame because you can never use that room again in your entire life ever within five minutes I'm nailing it up children let us never speak of the old living room again for it is a place of evil no but if you're lucky it's just still there and you go over with a glass and you're a bit bastard you get the glass over good okay so the glass is over now you know you have to slide the postcard underneath and this is a terrible bit because this is the closest you get you know you're sliding the postcard underneath the glass and the spider and this is something that frightens you rigid but all the while you're doing it you're thinking I hope I don't catch one of his little legs the spiders really don't like it they run up and down the inside of the glass you know and uh it's just it's it's pretty much imagine if you're in a toilet cubicle and someone started sliding forefoot of MDF under here spider game at angle so you get this little postcard glass spider capsule and you have to go at the end of your garden I go all the way at the end of the garden there now I can't just tip it out in case it jumps on the fence then back on my face so I've got the system worked out what I do is this I just get the spider the postcard with glass and I got it's a physics thing really because if you do with a glass it's just centripetal force catapults the spider out of the glass three or four Gardens on a good throw but the ordeal is over there because what you've got to do now is check the glass you must check the glass in case the spider has done this you walk back into the house and the very last thing you do when you've got rid of a spider is you go oh I don't know why it seems to help okay that was category ones category twos okay characters they're they're anything for an inch up to about three and they're the ones that you can hear before you see them particularly if you've got strip pine floor the other day it was once when I saw a character right I swear right I'm set in the kitchen and outside in the hall I can hear and I'm thinking to myself you know what are the odds that Adam and the Ants have reformed and they're doing a gig in my hall fairly slim I would say and you look out in the hole and there it [ __ ] is big old bastard coming down the hall towards you [Music] [Applause] they cry therefore when you see a category 2 spider is [Music] kitchen glass postcard now you must run when it's a category two back to the original sighting point because if you get there and it's gone you know that's a [ __ ] because you've got to put your house on the market there's all that to deal with and take it from me is very very difficult to sell a house with a fat bloke stood in the front garden going this hello for the love of God by my house the other thing that can go wrong with Category 2 is when you get the glass about 18 inches from them you suddenly realize you know it's [ __ ] glass ain't big enough is it Pyrex mixing bowl Dark Side of the Moon on vinyl [Music] um book a taxi I'd say a minimum of 15 miles should be about right gravel pitcher good got gravel pitch go there check the bowl check the album sleeve just in case Edition ages Pink Floyd's my Southern good Pink Floyd spiders like the Floyd spiders big dope heads huge dope heads it's their drug of choice this was found out recently at Cambridge the research scientists would test drugs on spiders because spiders make webs and so there you've got something tangible you can look at to see how the drugs has affected the spider so you've got spiders on speed normal web two minutes you've got like spiders you know on cocaine are really [ __ ] shitty badly designed web but they're telling all the other spiders it's [ __ ] fantastic spiders on the acid doing fractals and you know Jimi Hendrix you know designs within the web the spiders on heroin just selling thread to other spiders the reason spiders are like dope so much is I'm you can just get one joint and I can just pass it around themselves all night lucky me I just thought it sounded funny it was bigger big old bumblebee through right through the web Bumblebee somebody [Music] [ __ ] angry we're in blue balls go against the blue bottle I'm [ __ ] starving give me a blue bottle a crane fly land [ __ ] anything I'm starving no no come on let's go upstairs in front and fatty [Music] you get back into the taxi you go okay that's that dealt with category threes are the biggest category of all okay I've only ever seen category threes twice in my life the first time I was nine and it was in my mum's house and when I say I was actually in the bathroom uh actually actually I haven't seen it was in the bath now when I say in the bath it was actually having a bath six legs up the tap end in the Daily Mirror [ __ ] hell Bobby Moore's gonna follow him what's that all about foreign therefore when you see a category three spider is laughs now I saw one quite recently also I saw it in the cellar I was clearing out the seller of the new house I'd moved to because of Gateway 2 incident I really don't want to talk about now and whenever I'm clearing out whenever I have to do anything manly I always ask my father-in-law about me now the reason I asked my father and I tell me all the time is because we don't get on and I feel it's my role to build Bridges and to ensure that we do have a good relationship with each other and I think that asking him to help me with these small domestic tasks is one way of us building a relationship together you know it's been tricky it's been a bit uphill I don't know why we don't get on I think it's a generational thing you know he grew up in the impoverished East End of London I grew up in the home counties you know I believe his father worked in the docks you know my father was child surveyor you know these are totally different backgrounds you know he grew up during the war you know he was in The Merchant Navy he was at Dunkirk there's things like that you know I've had no life experience I've had an easy life I was in the Civil Service now I've worked in the music business I was a stand-up comedian you know I've Had The Sweet Life compared to him and I think that is it it's a class and generational base difference is the reason beyond our problem my mate Dave thinks uh it's because I'm [ __ ] his daughter [Applause] you know different theories so like what am I bill you want to help me clear out the cellar what did you say you scumbag [Music] hello do I [ __ ] have to and he always will because he doesn't want to upset his princess so he came down he's helping me with the seller and right I'm down there and I'm so sort of worried about the father-in-law I'm not really fully spider oh Faye the spider radar is in the off position so I go down into the center like a [ __ ] idiot I go into the darkest dampest dankest corner of the room where there's a big old black oak dresser and I go right up to this [ __ ] thing because I'll get this one out there all right mate I'll push it out then we'll get it up the stairs all right talk to me again I'll stab here [Laughter] so I go over in the corner and I reached around behind this dresser oh no not yet I'll pull it out out sort of 18 inches [Music] then I braced myself against the cellar wall this is a good way of moving a dresser you should make a note brace myself against the seller wall to push it out with my foot and my hand okay so I'm pushing and I get it about three foot out from the wall and then I start to feel a little bit queer [Music] no all right come back I haven't felt like this since I was nine oh no please no not now not air and there in the corner of the cellar is a bigger category three than the one I saw when I was nine this one reading Joseph Heller's catch-22 this spider is wearing a beret looks up at me and goes he died last year you know a tragic loss to the world of literature don't you agree I always thought he had another novel in him what say you foreign [Music] law looks over at me he thinks it's the heart attack he's been praying for every day since he met he's like what is it our attack son shooting pains in the left arm tightness in the chest go on die die die what I say is I say a sentence that is now completely made mine and my father-in-law's relationship totally irreconcilable but I was under a great deal of pressure you must understand that I look at him into those harsh East End eyes and I go [Applause] little tip for you never say that to someone that was at Dunkirk foreign but I can't remember Nan's poem so I do five minutes of interpretive jazz dance about why it's bad to kill spiders thank you [Music] and he goes out sorry I didn't realize I won't kill it then he doesn't kill it what does this men's down picks it up no glove no tongues no specially designed suit the legs of this spider [Music] from his knuckles each one four inches long black spiky and not looking very happy thrashing in fact he's holding this spider in his hand which is doing this and then my father-in-law says this to me [ __ ] hell is a bigger than it are you people out there that aren't frightened of spiders I find it quite old there you often end up with someone who is friend despite as I think of that as a symbiotic relationship ordained by God someone you love someone you're probably married to someone you made vows to Insight of the Lord something about protect I seem to recall you know their Cry of Anguish when they have encountered one of these beasts oh he's seen a spider again hurry up Sheila is massive all right I'm coming where are you I'm in this bedroom with you all right where is it all right shut up I got it but once you get it in your hand a strange change comes over you you suddenly become aware that your relationship's Dynamic has altered someone you now hold all the cards the balance of power is tipped in your favor foreign [Music] that's the kicker fries isn't it do you want to look that's the very least you'll do you can't not torment your partner with a spider you get it they're [ __ ] themselves and as you're walking out the door you go don't do that now stop [ __ ] off again don't that's not funny this is what my father-in-law does he extends his arm and he goes do you want to look like that I'm only standing in front of him his hand ends up there three inches from my face do you remember a little chat earlier about the length of the spider's legs the spiders legs were four inches his hand is three inches from my face there's an overlap of one inch of spider leg they go in and out of my eye a few times up my nose I've just been touched all over my spider and I well I know there's two in my mouth and one tickling my cheek like that yeah now at this point I react physically oh oh [Music] pissing like a jet ski I am vomiting food out I don't from the 60s Old English Spangles doublies Aztec bars you know I have shut my spinal cord out it's flapping between my buttocks like some sort of crazy tail oh no I need that oh we've got a bit of a situation now haven't we spider category three in the father-in-law's hand so what I have to do go upstairs bring down the wheelie bin put the wheelie bin over my father-in-law and the spider then get a snooker table slide that underneath Kyra Lorry drive to Dover to the White Cliffs get that get that get the snooker table and the wheelie gonna go off the White Cliff check the wheelie bin in case my father-in-law has done this then get in the cab of the Lorry and go all right good night [Applause] [Applause] foreign [Applause] [Music] what's up [Music] the world's oldest profession [Music] [Music] life is incredible celebrating live it expose yourself to the sheer diversity of life people say it's a small world oh really seems pretty bleeding massive to me mate it's huge and it's populated by the most amazing unique [Music] explore life's mysteries try something different immerse yourself drink it all in don't just accept what life throws at you check something back once in a while you only get one shot at the title so be magnificent [Applause] [Music] [Applause] foreign

Channel: VoSkorbia

Views: 70,755

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Id: -RPPPYZEozA

Length: 84min 1sec (5041 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 20 2023