Jose Sarduy - A Dry Bar Double Feature

ladies and gentlemen Jose sardui [Applause] a lot of people like oh no he introduced the wrong guy he said Jose was coming up that is clearly a Jason yeah my name is Jose and nobody believes me story of mine I used to live in Texas I went to meet a woman's family the dad opened the door he was like your Jose [Music] like a real Jose it's like what did he think was coming to the door like some dude with Maracas like I'm here okay I would have thought I thought maybe that was just the South but I used to live in Philadelphia a lot of different cultures up there I met a Puerto Rican guy he's like what's your name man and I got my name's Jose he's like no puppy [Music] your name no can be Jose I'm like yes it is I was born in Cuba he's like you look like a policeman thank you I live in Southern California now worst part is I'll go to some Cuban restaurant run by Mexicans and they'll see me sitting by myself like I come back and explain the menu and then I feel like I gotta be extra Cuban like I got it and I was like oh okay the guy from immigration the guy from immigration when everybody scares [Music] that's how you know it's authentic the chef is running out the back oh no they speak Spanish now [Music] but I was born in Cuba raised in Miami so I'm a good swimmer obviously did you know that was a stereotype I didn't until I went out for the high school swim team the coaches like sarduy where's that from I was born in Cuba we're gonna win state we got a Cuban kids you're a captain do you have cousins obviously um and listen I don't know if all Cubans are good swimmers but if there have been Cubans on the Titanic everybody would have survived and that would be a way better movie that would be great people running around oh no there's no light boats too Cuban Guys we don't need no lifeboats you take this piano you put it in the water you got persistent people on that I saw Titanic years ago when it first came out in theaters in Miami which was an experience there's a part that's historical right that the boat's sinking and the band is playing well the whole thing is historical but there's the parts accurate there was a band playing as the boat sank and they play that scene it's very sad the big guy this guy playing the big cello Cuban three rows down yells at the screen sprouts [Music] the guy with the little one he's gonna die you know I'm not gonna make and I became a comedian because of my family my family is very boisterous and funny and they're crazy they're crazy family I love my family my mom is great she speaks with an accent um so when I was little it was fun to bring my friends over because [Music] welcome to my home that's how she says home do you want something to eat and they were like yeah of course like do you want Hard Dough a friend's like what is Hardo oh my that's how she says hot dog people come over to the house like listen if you have like a phone or a computer you can use it all over the house we have high five all over the house I love my mom she speaks great English she doesn't understand like American phrases American phrases kind of you know they confuse her sometimes we had construction on the house once she worked walked in on a room with a guy building something she didn't pay for like excuse me I I did not pay for that what is that [Music] well I did not need to know that but now that I do why don't you shave it it's 20 20. [Music] I have a crazy mom and the thing is if you have a crazy mom you don't know it when you're little because when you're little you just assume that what your mom is doing to you is what all the other moms are doing you're like this must be normal then you get old enough to start comparing notes with other people and then you're like none of that was normal that is how therapy started happened to me and I was 19. I was at a house party we're sitting around comparing home remedies one guy's like one time I had 104 fever my mom dropped me in a bathtub full of ice we were all like oh that's pretty bad and I was like oh you know what's worse remember when you get the stomach flu and your mom's put in the suppository you guys remember [Music] they all look at me like you ah no uh my mom gave me soup [Music] and I was confused like how'd she gets soup in there seems worse tell you what though I never went home sick from school no I could be puking blood Jose you want to go home no please don't send me home she's gonna put a cough drop in my butt please just let me stay here but you're puking blood that's what I do when I'm happy action I love my big family I love it um but I don't have any I don't have any children I know which is weird I'm 42 Latino no kids to my family I'm like a unicorn I think I have magical powers uh but I've discovered this if you don't have kids people with kids do not want your advice on raising kids even when it sounds like they want advice like he's struggling in math I don't know what to do you know what you could do you know you could do Jose is shut your mouth your bed all night long with no one interrupting you and that's when I pull out my trump card whenever they say it I go yeah after the age of seven I always do what I was told never talk back to my mother never got reprimanded you hear that silence all those parents like what did your mom do I tell you what she did she killed a chicken in front of me using only this hand ah that is what the kids call a gangster she didn't warn me either we're in the backyard she's petting the chicken that I'd named Freddy in hindsight that was a mistake she's like baby we're going to have chicken tonight and I was like I love chicken Mommy and then she spreads her feet like she's gonna do Kenpo Karate without looking grabs her by the throat starts spinning it like a nunchuck making eye contact with me the whole time like a psychopath chickens making weird noises and then the head popped off the chick and that's when I discovered chickens got a weird nervous system you can take the head off a chicken and the body doesn't realize it right away you know how I know that cause that chicken body hit the ground and tried to walk it off like it had a chicken Charlie horse or something it was and it couldn't make any noise so it was like the scariest silent movie of all time that chicken Body Hit The Ground like and I'm like stop drop and roll Freddy I didn't know what to do 45 seconds it ran around then you could be like you're right I'm not okay so again I am seven years old I am petrified I look up my mom she's got a dead chicken head in her hand it's got blood on her cheek feathers are falling leans in says the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life she goes I'm gonna go clean my room I'm gonna clean my room I didn't clean the whole house I'm already gonna be cleaning might as well clean out you guys are wanting to paint the house I can paint that I'm only seven but I'll find a way maybe I'll just apply for college and get out of this house because you're scary person my family's a very interesting story we actually came from Cuba when I was a little kid because my dad was a political prisoner in Cuba we got deported uh because my dad protested the government down there we got deported from Cuba to the USA yeah yeah that's all my white friends all my Mexican friends that's a good deal [Music] I can't even pitch it's usually that's how we get in there's Coast Guard in the Caribbean right now you made it can you pitch no go to Haiti play soccer or something it's rough but because of that my family's very patriotic America took us in like my dad were on the couch we're watching the Olympics just me and him I remember he's yelling at the screen like we're at the stadium he's like USA it's not just for Jews that it's for everybody I'm pretty patriotic myself here's how patriotic I am I am a vegetarian but I love Kentucky Fried Chicken I don't even eat it anymore I just support it because we were poor we got here we couldn't eat out first thing we ate out was Kentucky Fried Chicken my dad went all out he got the bucket of chicken he got the biscuits and he also bought the coleslaw and if you've been eating coleslaw your whole life maybe you don't know this but it is disgusting [Music] there's always somebody somewhere like no it's pretty good yeah and people on a farm get used to the smell of poop you can get you get usable things I don't know who thought that like you know what this salad needs to be wet let's make a wet salad should it be clear wet No it should be snotty wet this should be the most disgusting thing you can see so my dad noticed we were eating the coleslaw he's like hey why is nobody eating that coleslaw we're like Dad it doesn't taste good it's like I don't care you have to eat it because the white people leading and they cannot find out we're not white people they're gonna know when you talk my dad's not gonna sneak past any of you where are you from Sir Boston Massachusetts that's how he says Massachusetts and I don't have an accent because I came when I was three years old and I learned to speak English watching television because when I was looking we had great shows like Sesame Street Mr Rogers Neighborhood The Muppets Days of Our Lives you know children shows I watch TV for five days and in that five days I learned enough English to translate for my family at restaurants problem is I learned it mostly from Muppets [Laughter] so we'd be at the restaurant my mom wants steak and potatoes and I'm like I hope my mom wants to steak and potatoes please your race is like that's adorable does your mommy want bacon no not bacon that's Miss Piggy I'm just glad I outgrew Muppet voices because you don't need Muppet voices in adult scenarios you don't want to get pulled over you know how fast you were going Bird that's not you end up in the back of the cop car animal don't like taser my dad loves American culture he has his big movie collection and uh he loves American movies and he recently started quoting American movies because he saw me and my friends do it and the best part of my Cuban dad quoting American movies is you will never know which movie from the quote I tried to show him the classics right Dazed and Confused Matthew McConaughey all right all right all right but no it's like I like that movie okay okay okay sort of star Empire Strikes Back Luke I'm your father he's like look who's your daddy no what do you watch an inappropriate version of Star Wars I showed him the Godfather my friends like Mr sorry do you saw the Godfather goes yes remember when he goes no I thought he made it up I watched the movie it's not in there you know which movie that's in days are confused click Cinema but now I just want everybody yell that when they're happy something good happens to your life that's what I'm talking about like I'll tell you a story I went to a Dave and Buster's do you have those here yeah so if you've never been to a Dave and Buster's it's like a casino where you don't win money you get tickets you can buy a whistle it's awesome oh they're video games for adults it's all it's all my favorite part about is uh they let little kids in there before 10 o'clock and I like to beat little kids at video games because when you play them online they're not the best people you ever played a child online they say horrible things to you but I can't say on Dry Bar so I go and I'm pretty good at this one fighting game so I pull up and uh I this kid is standing on boxes he brought boxes that's how good he is he is beating grown men that just have to grab their beer and walk away grumbling so I'm like okay I'm gonna stand up for my brothers I come in with my accent I use my dad's accent like hello can I played you oh I don't know what to do I use my car okay ah right now I don't know what what do the buttons do I don't know which one am I the whole time I am smoking this kid and I look over he's getting red angry I am so happy I keep beating him and finally his mom leans in and goes honey use your best character he's not even from this country although oh is that how we're gonna do it Mom all right ethnic four right so he uses his best character and uh he gave me a good fight uh but I still beat him and I was like I was about to celebrate I look over he starts crying and I was like oh I didn't want to make a 10 year old cry but Dad leans over his big strong dude grabs me by the shoulder pulls me in close and he whispers in my ear [Music] s [Music] I I left Miami After High School and uh went to college in Colorado so I'm went up here in the in the mountains yeah and then I tried driving in the snow and um and I'm good than that but first time I was out on the snow it was just a light drizzle and I'm on the highway doing 10 miles an hour with the hazards on just go around just to confuse Miami boy why is there cocaine falling from the sky but it was great going to Colorado because uh not a lot of Cubans there no major bodies of water how would we get there but it's great I got to represent my culture to my friends but they they didn't low they didn't know where the line was they would cross it all the time Jose you're fluent in Spanish we're at a Latin restaurant why don't you order the food in Spanish we're at a Taco Bell in Denver Brad [Music] chalupa's not a word and the guy behind the counter is named chip I went out to Colorado because I went to the United States Air Force Academy I got a degree [Applause] thank you thank you I made lieutenant colonel and the Air Force and people like oh you look too young to be Lieutenant Colonel as you should have seen when I was a 23 year old Lieutenant flying cargo planes I looked 14 which was horrible for passengers [Music] I had a World War II veteran get on my plane what do you do on the plane little boy you're like I'm your pilot sir he's like we're taking a train man they got babies flying airplanes but I love being a service member I got to answer questions people have a lot of questions because they don't know much about airplanes or the service and I love it because most of the questions are dumb I love dumb questions because I put them in my show sounding smart somebody was like oh he's like did you ever air refuel where you go behind another airplane in the sky and get gas I was like yeah we used to do that he's like when you were up there did you get out and talk to the other pilot I'm in the Air Force man not Cirque du Soleil what do you think we string ropes like I'm coming to see you Bobby foreign my favorite dumb story ever this is my favorite dumb story ever where this I've gotten a few times with my favorite example I was in Boise Idaho and this nice older lady walks up she's like that was so funny you've been in the Air Force 22 years I was 22 at the time it was I wasn't 22. it was 22 years and I said yes ma'am like my neighbor's son just finished boot camp in the army he's stationed in Georgia do you know Jimmy Maybe [Music] I just wish I you know I've been to war and all that I wish I had good stories for you guys I don't all my stories are the weird or embarrassing like I was flying in a Baghdad at night 2003. we see machine gun fire coming up at us I call up on the radio I tried to sound cool Baghdad Tower lifted 4702 we got ground fire North the field it's pretty cool right basic 4702 standby did he just say stand by like I'm on the phone with Sprint or something guy calls him back 4702 don't worry about it there celebrating in town tonight they're not shooting at you they're shooting their guns in the air not saying well that is a relief except I'm in the air that didn't sound cool that day [Music] some of the stories sound good in synopsis but then when you hear the actual story I'm it's not good it's not a good story I'll tell you one I prevented an international incident yeah sounds great just wait 2004 we're flying to Dakar Senegal West Africa drop supplies there to the Embassy and if you were there at the time uh you should probably get tested I know if you were there for malaria if you were there at the time uh you may know this you could not make a big purchase on credit anything worth five thousand dollars you had to pay cash not a big deal until you have to refuel the 300 000 pound cargo plane which was 75 000 pounds of gas which came to 114 thousand dollars that we had to pay cash so who do you think they sent in with the money or is it a crack Squad of Marines or Navy SEALS or Army Rangers nope they sent in first lieutenant SAR Dewey who had gotten a b-minus in hand-to-hand combat and I thought the money was only when like a silver case right with the tight bills now they handed it to me in a Nike gym bag that was used with broken zippers a used Nike Jimmy and the bills were just loose like I just robbed a bank and they were like LT that's what they call lieutenants LT go pay for the gas I was like um by myself I don't know but you should know you mean I know this but you should know that I got expert in the M16 rifle because the dude next to me was nearsighted and kept shooting my target like expert was 35 out of 40 holes I had 47 holes on my target they were like you're really good I'm like yeah I make bullets go in and back out and back in I'm a magician so they're like we're kidding we'll give you some backup we'll send the lieutenant from accounting this is a kid that was too short to be a pilot that's why he went into accounting you know how short you got to be where they don't let you be a pilot this stool could be a pilot so they're like that's Lieutenant from accounting is your backup I was like well you're not gonna see this money again like we're kidding we're gonna send some real back up we're gonna send the Ravens with you Ravens our security forces Personnel that uh go with airplanes to austere locations to protect them and if you don't know what security forces are they are members of the United States military that joined to shoot guns and blow things up but what they actually do is they stand at the front gate for eight hours a day and check identification never shoot guns or blow anything up these are people that want stuff to go down I know because one of them walked up and like hey we can't take guns in there LT but don't worry we got these extended batons in our sleeves anything happens we got your back I was like we're gonna die all right so I'm walking in I got a bag of money got the lieutenant got the two Security Forces guys I'm thinking you know what I'm overreacting this is an international airport it's gonna be fine and I was wrong I opened the door it's a dark room there's one light and it is swinging like we're at a haunted house me and the lieutenant from accounting walk in with the bag of money like Shaggy and scoop like I see over here standing there two guards I say like that because they were not in uniform or unless you think of a uniform as a Somali pirate starter kit they had sandals holes in their pants AK-47s gold teeth it was terrifying and from in the back room in the back office in the darkness I hear the deepest voice ever like what do you want and we we both went we screamed like we were in a haunted house and then I couldn't stop yelling we want to pay for the gas so I was like okay so I give the money Lieutenant I said go pay for the gas now here's the thing if you were in West Africa if you go to West Africa today you may know this everybody there is really tall so the counter reached the lieutenant at eye level he had to throw the bag of money like to get it up there and then he had to stand on his toes like a kid at an ice cream shop like I want chocolate that's what it looked like so the guy slides in the receipt the lieutenant looks at he goes ah sir you have to sign the receipt and the man was like no no no son you take and then the lieutenant from accounting who was super short said ah you're gonna sign it or we're not taking it and I'm standing over here like what are you doing Oompa Loompa and the guy behind the counter was not ready for that he's like no no no sign you take and Lieutenant goes well if you don't sign it then we're not leaving them he puts his hand on the bag and as soon as that bag his hand touched a bag of money from over here here this sound click which is a sign of a safety coming off an AK-47 which at first didn't scare me because like that gun has a safety one laughs I didn't think the Russians cared about safety I later found out that's the same switch that puts it to full auto so the worst part about all of this as this this tension that's happening is behind me the security forces guys are living the dream they turned into MMA hype men like oh oh yeah don't you let him talk to you like that LT don't you want to drop you like can you guys shut your mouth please let me remind you you have batons if I need your lead a college marching band I will call you [Music] so I gotta stop this whole situation I lean over I grab him by the collar I put turn them towards me and I knew something was up because I was paler than usual like I was glowing in the dark and he's like what's wrong I go just take the receipt with no signature and he said fine but I don't like it I don't care what you don't like Scrappy dude take the receipt so the girls are seeing them walking them out I'm like get out the door get out the security Force out there I'm dragging him along and I could hear the wheels turning in his head like how am I going to explain this back at accounting and right before I get him out the door he goes those two guys have guns [Laughter] [Music] so we almost died and I lost a good pair of underwear because he was stupid and that is how I prevented an international incident [Music] I um I did go to school at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs Colorado people don't know much about the academy and uh the biggest group of people that don't know much about that place is my family they had no idea what it was uh it was it's a military academy but the first year you're just running and doing push-ups and learning the iron and vacuuming you're not really they don't let you near the airplanes they they point at the airplane see those you gotta earn those so when I was a freshman first year four degree Cadet at the Air Force Academy um I call my mom every Sunday and then on Monday an A-10 fighter plane crashed in Wyoming Pilots survived with the plane crashed in Wyoming which I don't know if you know this is not Colorado Springs Colorado my commander calls me into his office Tuesday morning and he says Cadet sardui stand at attention I was like yes sir ready to go whatever he wanted me to do I was ready he said I'm gonna play you a voicemail and you normally only get phone calls on Sundays but I need you to go call your mother and explain exactly what you do here and I was like oh I don't want to hear this voicemail this is gonna be bad it's gonna be a bad voicemail I don't want it here's my mom's voicemail word for word [Music] I don't know the number please call me back she didn't leave her name or my name we had the star 69 her which is an old-timey phrase now people don't know what I what we do there at the Academy I know that because when I would come home for the like the holidays or something like that I would see my friends that went to Rio college and they would try to exchange stories with me I'm like hey what's it like at the University of Miami oh Friday nights are awesome man sometimes we get drunk sometimes we fight sometimes we make out with strangers it's usually girls [Music] who was it the rest of the time statues bro they look good and then they want to ask me what's like the Air Force Academy light on Friday night you're shooting guns and blow things off on my knees I'm blowing up that vacuuming son what I can vacuum up a wall that takes core strength [Laughter] reason we did that is because we had white glove inspections on Saturday mornings so I'll tell you my favorite white glove inspection ever me and my roommate we're at parade rest standing in our room next door they're getting yelled at so I know we're next I'm doing one final check of the room before they come in our job was to standardize closets we had to make 30 closets look identical I look up we forgot to do our closet yeah we did 29 closets forgot to do ours and it wasn't even close and I was like oh no they're gonna yell at us so hard bro we forgot to do our closet first time I looked at my roommate in 45 minutes he is sweating profusely like he just got out of a sauna pit stains are developing left eyes twitching he's kind of swaying back and forth he looks at me with this pain face he goes Jose man I'm really sorry for what is about they're happening in this room and I was lying I have put pressure on my roommate so I I tried to relieve the pressure I tried to tell him it's not the big a deal we'll just get yelled at but I didn't get the finish that sentence because I said dude it's not that big a deal we'll just give yeah and then he farted for so long I thought he was gonna deflate like like those things in front of the car dealers when you shut them off at night it just wouldn't stop him like it's not that big a deal we just [Music] I thought he was gonna levitate like Chris Angel from the butt [Laughter] it was a full two minutes he finally was like and then I tried to tell a joke the joke I tried to tell was you know the loud ones don't usually smell that bad but I didn't get to finish that sentence either I was like you know the loud ones I tried to punch a fart out of the air and that is when the inspectors walked into the room there were three of them this one very attractive female two dudes take the door she walks in on a weird scene there's my roommate all sweaty comes to attention big smile on his face I am no longer facing the right direction and I've come to attention but I just from the sound [Laughter] she was a little like what is this they didn't train me for this action but I'll tell you this she was a professional because she did her job despite this unknown situation she walked in put her gloves on the hey dust oh this is the most she was a pretty lady she got ugly real fast she looked like those people in the movies when they turned into werewolves and the guys at the door don't know what's happening she turns around like wow there's a demon at the Air Force Academy and she tried to run away you can't run from a fart now once has got you it's like Stephen King's The Mist you walk in you got a tail [Music] so she's dragging death behind her out the door like hey what's wrong they dropped their hats we got free hats they low crawled out of the room the three of them stood in the hallway for like five minutes like they've been pepper sprayed out it's in my earn these clothes and then the third was like you know I heard help the pepper spray if you put milk on it they were like where are we gonna get milk Steve they finally compose themselves they look in the room like you two are disgusting and they walked away so it made my roommate we go back to parade rest which is this position and I remember I said to my roommate I said that wasn't that bad [Music] we should just do that every time just warn me next time I gotta Breeze through her mouth it's like you're eating jalapenos my roommate looked at me and he said they didn't check the closet though did they I'm like no they didn't thank you very much [Applause] special number two yeah how many people have seen my first one clap it up [Applause] this whole area listen we're gonna have to clear this up right away I know you're confused that they introduced the Jose and I look like this I get it I did a show once there was an older lady maybe you're hearing it was out and she goes that's the whitest Jose I've ever seen foreign if you think that I've gotten it everywhere I did a show Once in a small town in Kentucky I can't say the name of the town because the family will know I'm talking about them there was one Hispanic family in this town they owned a restaurant they closed the restaurant came into my show all of them finally a Latino comedian has come to my little thing what is that guy is he like a vampire Latino is this Twilight on Telemundo what are we watching no that is my name Jose I was born in Cuba raised in Miami where my cubano's at that's enough to have plenty of safety at a pool for everybody so that's good two Cubanos that's that's a wave pool right there is a Cuban name my last name is sarduy and that does not help nobody I was at a show and this lady without sarduy that sounds like a sandwich and I was messing around I was like it can be you got a friend yeah she didn't get it she's like is it a good sandwich I'm like it's not bad it is good to be back everybody good to be back it's been a weirdy weird couple years since I did my last one right we two years of wearing masks I I learned a lot I learned that superhero movies are more fake than we even thought cause in a superhero movie the real thing never happened Spider-Man doesn't say something really funny or quirky and the villain never goes what that would be realistic it's weird you learn about a lot about a person by how they wore one of these you guys remember these people yeah some of you are those people and I know you're like I don't want to breathe my own air but when I see that I'm always like that person has bad breath and is finally aware [Applause] I remember when we first started going back to restaurants you know we had to have the mask up then we pulled it down and eat whatever some people wanted to be able to put it right back up couple techniques for that you could do this one right here which if you have a black mask it looks like you went and ah the Amish that's a good look this is my favorite the fighter pilot right here he's on my six and then this doesn't happen in Provo but everywhere else drunk people what what six months of isolation that's the only joke I wrote ah but it's good to be back on the road and I get to travel now because I've gotten to that stage in my career I can travel by airplane very safe because I used to drive everywhere and that was very dangerous because I drive a car that makes people angry anybody guess what I drive Toyota Prius that is correct that is the car that car makes people angry in different ways I don't understand it all I know is nobody on the highway likes to pass by a Prius yeah people start I passed an older lady in a catalog he's like I love Jesus oh no sir turn into a drag race that's weird reactions I was at a red light this muscle car pulled up he looked at me he was like hey are you serious you want to hear my engine sir is that let me turn down NPR do you want to hear him get ready for this baby [Music] [Applause] I drive a car that shoots flowers out the back I'm not racing anybody I know it's not a tough car because I've hit many animals with it I hit a deer down in West Texas iron ago what was that submit me bear me some bit me why am I covered in flowers I actually did a corporate show for Toyota uh and they found out I just bought a new Prius but my Prius that I bought in 2007 had died in 2015 at 389 941 miles yeah drove it back from Japan and um so they after the show they were like that's awesome with the car do you want to do a commercial for the Toyota company for like the Prius I was like I'd love to and they're like could could you be nicer to the car in the commercial I was like could you fix some stuff on the car they're like what's wrong with the Prius like well I don't know off the top of my head could you toughen up the horn just a little bit anyone ever try to use a Prius horn in here it's like a happy dolphin I can't use that in traffic find a guy at a red light he was on his phone the light turned green I went he looked up he goes no we're not going on that it's worse when you hold it down like hey someone is killing a Banshee over there I have this like Vision right of going A-Team on the car and put like a train horn on top and some fog lights so at least at night I come behind you like out of the way there's a dragon behind me then I drive by I love science when I bought the Prius I lived in Texas and so I had Texas plates on it so I drove around the country in a Prius with Texas plates and that confused everybody and I was thinking of ways to keep confusing them even more I thought like I could put a gun rack on this thing but they don't make them that small so it just looks like I stole something like a fin off a bigger car but it's good to be here if my family is very funny I think I got it from them my mom does things that are very entertaining I don't know if they're on purpose because she went down to South America to visit my stepfather's family they gave her a gift down there of live baby turtle and she brought it back illegally like she snuck it on the airplane in the only place she thought would be reasonable to hide a baby turtle in her bra we named it Nipsey [Applause] for the dry bar Executives Nipsey was a name Nipsey Russell was a comedian you can use that it's a lonely legal I asked my mom this I asked her a why question I haven't done that since because Mom why why didn't you just turn like report why did you hide it in your bra she's like at least I know hide it in my panties no I got that mental image twice a month wake up in a cold sweat imagining Ninja Turtles fighting their way out of the waistband it's hot in here for those that didn't see the previous special also uh my family's a very interesting story we came from Cuba because my dad was a political prisoner I might actually protested the government in Cuba but writing a letter telling Castro I don't like how you're doing your border policy and they put him in jail for six years he was released in February of 1977 and I was born in April of 1977. so I'm either a miracle baby or I was made in prison 100 go visit baby are there any other kanjis where my kanji's at just Cuban no justice she's like no I'm out I'm with you with the pool thing but no that's the cool thing is I lived in Texas for a long time so I would drive by prisons all the time like I should call my dad so it was pretty good that's pretty good well my family got taken in here you know very uh for those that watch the special my dad has a phrase that he says when he's very happy he says that's what I'm talking about right he misquoted a movie and now when you know that's what I'm talking about and he stopped doing it he came to a show once and he he saw it and after the show people ask him oh you're his dad can you say that's what I'm talking about he's like no he is stolen from me they put it on the church he made money he not giving me any of that money I never say it again and then he found out people were willing to give him a dollar and go that's what I'm talking about he made like a hundred bucks that night foreign but I love that phrase I say when I'm happy something good happens your life that's what I'm talking about like for me I was at my buddy's house had to go after the after him into the bathroom he'd go number two it smelled awful I went number two and the smell was gone I pulled him in there he's like what'd you do I'm like I thought they're out bro and I have been looking for a woman like that ever since I don't know your criteria for soulmate but I know mine that's going to be useful in a crowded elevator like oh no baby I got you that's my ladies all right that was a test joke that was a test joke I want to see how farty this crowd would all right let's see how this goes hurry you poop you what nothing there that's what I'm talking about what look who's not laughing that does not happening like what kind of muffins are you guys eating married guys won't even pull their pants up in that scenario [Applause] [Music] see that it cleans itself now you can quit your complaining I'm not back on the road we're gonna save some money there's a lot of wives that like he would do that he won't do that he is disgusting so my parents got divorced when I was a kid and my mom remarried my stepfather I love my stepfather uh helped me become a man I just think he's a little too humble he's a quiet guy so I went to the United States Air Force Academy so I went to college thank you very much [Applause] so after basic training and then like in the middle of semester they let your parents visit for parents weekend first time my parents they come to visit me at the Air Force Academy we're driving around I'm like Hey Dad let's go look at the f-86 that's my favorite old-time fighter plane he's been married to my mother for 10 years at this point he goes oh yes I flew that in the Venezuelan Air Force what you were a Venezuelan fighter pilot he's on yes how was that he goes it was fun I think did you ever get shot at jizz how was that it's scary a little more right so I have been in the Air Force a long time and that's what I tell audiences because I used to tell them I'm an Air Force pilot which I am and audiences didn't know what to do with that they'd be like they let the Cubans fly the plane shouldn't he be in the Coast Guard you don't want Cuba's in the Coast Guard people gonna start talking like Mexicans in the border patrol just gonna assume it's like stop right there oh that's my cousin okay I don't need that kind of pressure [Applause] been in the Air Force a long time this year in June will be 27 years since I joined are not considered the tough branch all right I think it's because we don't have a cheer right Army's like whoa Marine's life Air Force like four like we don't have a good cheer it's hard to motivate a room full of air force is like 80 desk jobs you're like Air Force they're like paper cuts or [Applause] their song the Air Force song says nothing can stop the U.S Air Force that is not true they need to add some words in there nothing can stop the U.S Air Force unless the internet is down [Applause] we're not as if as effective we had a tough guy we had an Air Force tough guy I was kind of proud of it I don't know if you remember they made a movie about it there was a gunman on a train in Paris years back and an Air Force Airman tackled that gunman and save a bunch of lives yeah I was like yes baby Air Force got our tough guy now we gotta talk guy and then they showed him on TV with his shirt off I'm like you gotta work out man come on here our first stuff now come on I had to add a part to that joke because I was doing a show in Vegas and three rows back he stood up I was like you're bigger than TV [Applause] I just want to say for the record in case you're watching uh he has amazing abs and eyes you just lost in Forever he's really good with animals and he loves walks on the beach and he is he's sensitive but also strong all right [Applause] don't beat me up I'm a pilot which a lot of people don't know much about because they immediately like oh you're a pilot like Tom Cruise and Top Gun like no I'd be this little um yeah I can't do that joke in Los Angeles because lawyers and stuff yeah Scientology may not be real but their legal department is definitely real no I'm a cargo cargo Island that's that's what the job I had so if you ever see the movie Top Gun there's a part when his boss is yelling at him he goes if you screw up just this much I'll have you flying cargo planes full of rubber dog crap out of Hong Kong and that's the part in the movie when I go that's me that's what I'm talking about um because as a cargo pilot your stories aren't the same people you got any cool War Stories I was like well you know um they're either embarrassing or weird I'll give you an embarrassing one first uh scariest moment of the Iraq War 2003 were on the ground refueling my airplane and we got hit by a mortar attack air training fourth on the ground I am useless like that mortar went off I couldn't put the clip in the gun I had the Kevlar half off I pooped a little bit it was not a good day foreign ER and I screamed like a child like see he found me and the co-pilot hiding behind a crate full of ammunition [Applause] so they're either embarrassing or they're weird one time they told me I was supposed to carry 600 pounds of cages full of live chickens I'm glad we didn't eventually have to do that because a bunch of chickens in an enclosed space I was born in Cuba I'd have been in the back ladies and gentlemen [Applause] flying the plane whatever two to one on the red one we call this one Mike Tyson he liked the white I told that story uh to a show during a show and an instructor of mine in simulators that flew during Vietnam saw the show and he says I got a joke you can add this story to yours to your story just don't use my name okay so uh Colonel Cooper was flying into then flying in Vietnam had cages of live chickens in the back they get to this village where they're going to land and do these like assault Landings and the runway's been bombed out they can't land and they can put parachutes on everything except cages of chickens so they've got a problem they get a meeting on the flight deck of the airplane and the Commander's like what are we gonna do I need ID what do we do with these chickens we can't throw them out the back in the cages we're going too fast all the chickens are die what do we do young 18 year old Airmen loadmaster first mission goes [Applause] we just Chuck them out one by one and the way it works in the military when you have a bright idea you gotta go do that idea so they're flying over this Village of Vietnam they got the cargo doors open on three airplanes in formation and then in what's gotta be the weirdest Air Force radio call of all time they said drop the chickens over Vietnam [Applause] they don't hear anything from the intercom in the back loadmaster we get the chickens out load Master hey can we get a report from the back the door to the flight deck opens and walks in this 18 year old Airman left arm is clawed up and bloody he's got feathers on his shoulders they go what happened he goes that worked for the first chicken [Applause] and then the rest of them got real smart I just imagine the chickens in the cages like what's he doing with Maria it's a Cuban chicken obviously a Cuban chicken we're getting a tour I'll tell you the greatest lesson I learned being in the military all this time I was flying into Thule Greenland uh years ago it was back in 2004 we were taking supplies up there and Thule Greenland is in the uh in the Arctic Circle like the instrumentation goes bad and the run it's on a glacier the runway's white the markings are red so you're landing on an ice pack and I land this 300 000 pound cargo plane and I immediately ice everywhere I'm losing control a little bit I used every skill I had to land this airplane and not go in a ditch when we were taxiing it was so icy when we let the the walkway down and our first Truman goes okay I'll go put the trucks in the whoop wow right on his back and all of us are at the top of the ramp like everybody be careful William it's very slippery we all walked in like somebody needs a Zamboni this whole area this is ridiculous so I just landed in that and I taxied in it and it you know another person just fell I was feeling so big on myself like my head had inflated like I just did that pilot baby I walked in there and the guy behind the counter goes like hey who who landed the plane that time everybody goes the lieutenant did and they go he goes I've been working here 15 years that's the best landing I've ever seen I was like I was like I'm gonna need to lube this head up to get it through doorway thank you I'm gonna need to do more neck exercises if it's gonna be this big from now on I am so full of myself I walked up there with like the most confident strut I looked that guy right in the eye and I go that's really nice to you to say thank you by the way when we're here is there any place around here we can go to see the Penguins [Applause] for those of you not laughing uh listen up to this next part because he didn't miss the beat he looked at me in the eyes he goes That's the South Pole so that's what I learned in the military uh don't be cocky eventually you'll look stupid so I did my cargo time and now I'm a flight instructor is what they call me flight instructor down in Del Rio Texas anyone been there on purpose [Applause] great and then yeah you don't need to go everybody else we just got a Chick-fil-A uh like a couple years ago and they're like we're a metropolis let me know you ain't no you ain't I'm an instructor on paper but my job is really I'm a flight screener like my job is to make sure people that shouldn't be Pilots don't become Pilots you're welcome America because there are some people that shouldn't be Pilots I was getting ready to take off with this one kid we're sitting by the runway right one of the busiest airports in the world people landing and he's just right we're sitting in front of the back I can't see what he's doing out of nowhere he goes holy well we're already dead I'm saying holy crap in an airplane even if you looked out the window and saw what could only be described as holy crap see a magical turd floating out there with a Halo and wings on it he's got googly eyes and it's like even then you're supposed to say well that's peculiar that's what a pilot says yeah I got my hand on the ejection handle these rocket seats and I'm like what do you see what do you see he's like there is a big old grasshopper in here with us [Applause] maybe this flying thing ain't for you twitch it's flying with this other kid and this one that one didn't make it through the program but this one did uh we he just made a mistake one day we were flying in formation two airplanes 10 feet apart we're getting ready to land on the runway 150 miles an hour 10 feet apart 100 feet off the ground it didn't look good so I said we're gonna go around give him the push it up signal like what sir I'm like give him the push it up signal he lets go of the controls and goes I got so mad at him so I was like learn your references this is push it up this is raise the roof come on now that kid flies for Delta now sleep tight sleep [Applause] I'm gonna end my show talking about one of my favorite subjects in love who's in love tonight clap whatever oh wow look at all the people like why you gotta bring that up bro now listen I think I love the long time couples we're my longtime couples anybody long time right there how long how long right here how many 30. and the man answered what she said we're sitting up front he's like let me look at my calendars I may have to answer some questions let's go do you remember the first night you went out with them you didn't did you kiss them the first night look at me sir well that's okay if you you kiss the first night that's fine I had an older couple sitting up front once been married 62 years I said did you kiss him the first night she goes I slept with him she goes it was 1948 he said he was going to war the next day [Applause] we weren't fighting nobody in 1940. okay looks Amigos [Music] excited thank you so much

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 305,057

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jose Sarduy, Jose Sarduy Dry Bar Comedy, Jose Sarduy Comedy, Jose Sarduy Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2023, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Dry Bar Double Feature, Cuban Comedian, Cuban Pilot, DBC, Funny, Stand Up, Air Force, LOL

Id: na33ubyIcTk

Length: 66min 1sec (3961 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 22 2023