(beatboxing music) - Hello, internet, my name is Daniel. It's officially pronounced D.O.B. O'Brien and welcome to another wet episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet that tries to incorporate a new word
that I learn in every episode. Today's truculent episode explores-- Movies have protagonists,
there's no way around that. We have a person or persons we care about and we want them to learn
a lesson and succeed. Everyone who gets in their
way on that path of clarity is generally a villain at the worst, and forgettably disposable at the least. Movies try to make things as
black and white as possible with clear heroes and clear villains, so we don't feel bad
for the people who lose to ensure that the protagonist wins. But, every once in a
while, they miss the mark. There are some unexplored
casualties of popular movies and I'm gonna talk about
them because this is my show, and that's what I've
decided to do with it. (beatboxing) Captain America: Winter Solider is the best Captain America movie so far. We see what life has been
like for Captain America in the modern world,
easily weaving PTSD in with a fun and tight espionage movie, plus the undeniable sexual
tension between Cap and Bucky. - I'm with you 'till the
end of the line, pal. - Cap spends the movie trying
to reach and save Bucky, who's not only his friend, but his last connection to
the past life that he knew. Bucky's been brainwashed and
Cap tries everything he can to make Bucky snap out of his programming. When punching doesn't work,
Cap breaks into a museum and steals the original
Captain America uniform that had been on display in a glass case, hoping that the old uniform
will jog Bucky's memory. This leads to a cameo
from Stan Lee, my friend, who, as the overnight
security guard at the museum, is the one to stumble
upon the missing uniform. He says, "I am so fired," and the audience laughs
because, "Hey, it's Stan Lee," and, "Hey, he's fired." But, like, yeah, he's definitely fired. They never specifically age the character of museum nighttime guard,
but he's in his 90's. That's a 90-something man
who still has to work, doing his (bleeps) best and the next day, his 27-year-old boss is
gonna pull him into an office and be like, "World-famous
enemy of the state "broke into a museum, stole
an iconic, decades-old piece "of history and you didn't notice anything "until it was too late? "Doesn't look good, Stan. "The costume is one of
the reasons people travel "to this museum and pay
the entrance fee, Stan. "What are we supposed to do, Stan?" There is someone on staff at that museum who has been looking for a reason to fire the incredibly old security guard and this is all the ammo they needed. You think they're gonna
just go easy on him, just because it turns out
Cap only stole the costume to remind a time-traveling assassin that they used to be buddies? That changes nothing, Stan blew it at work and he should get fired. There was a 90-something-year-old man, picking up some extra money
by working the graveyard shift and now he's out on the street. That's on you, Captain America. (beatboxing) In Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin
Williams has to dress up as a sweet Scottish
lady and pose as a nanny in a misguided attempt to
be closer to his children. - And these must be the cherubs. - He does a bunch of voices. - Don't fuss with me. - There are some shenanigans. ♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪ There's obviously a scene where he has to balance dinner with his family as his widdled alter ego, Mrs. Doubtfire, and a dinner with his boss
as himself at the same time, in the same restaurant. It is, in general, one of the
most 90's movies ever made. In between shenanigans and
montages set to Aerosmith songs, we meet a sweet, old bus driver, played by the late Sydney Walker. - Evening, ma'am. - Williams as Doubtfire
has to take a late bus home from work most nights, and
his bus driver is usually the only other person on the bus. When he sees her, he smiles
and sweetly flirts with her. It's cute.
- Cold night, isn't it? - Yes, it is. - Hope you have something
nice and warm to go home to. - And the audience watching
along is supposed to laugh because, "Ha, the bus
driver doesn't realize "he's flirting with a guy." In the 90's, sometimes a guy
accidentally liking another guy was all it took for something
to be considered a joke. And like, I'm sorry, we're sorry. Anyway, I don't know what
went wrong in my brain, but I think about that
bus driver all the time. To begin with, he's a lonely old man who works the late shift for a bus that is almost always empty. He's obviously single, which
means his wife either died or left him, or he still hasn't
managed to find someone yet. Then, he meets a woman who
seems sweet and seems his age, and isn't rebuffing his advances, so he probably suspects she's single. Available women his age are
probably hard to come by and now he's found a pretty one that actually seems to like him. He must feel pretty lucky. He also seems like just the sweetest man. When he sees Mrs.
Doubtfire's bare legs covered in the thick and wild fur that is Robin Williams' natural pelt, he doesn't bawk or abandon his flirtation like some other, more shallow men might. He accepts Mrs. Doubtfire,
wooly legs and all, as, "Natural, healthy,
just the way God made ya." - I like that Mediterranean look in women. Natural, healthy, just the way God made ya. - Well, he broke the mold
when he made me, dear. - I think about this
man and the way he looks and smiles at Mrs. Doubtfire,
and I can't help but think that seeing this woman and
briefly getting the opportunity to flirt with her is the
highlight of his day. I relate to this guy, I've been this guy. It's been a long day of hard, lonely work, but for five minutes, I made a girl laugh or made her smile. Five minutes, I was charming, so no matter what else happened that day, that's a day that goes
down in the record books as one of the good days. Sometimes, seeing the courage you muster to flirt with a stranger,
rewarded with the smile of a pretty girl, is enough to carry you through (bleeps) anything. Mrs. Doubtfire gets her own TV
show by the end of the movie. That means the bus driver is gonna see it, check the credits, find out
that it's Robin Williams in a wig and just crash. I'm not saying this is
a crying game situation where he'll freak out
because he's horrified at being attracted to a man. I'm saying he'll be
crushed when he finds out that this harmless,
nightly flirting ritual with the attractive stranger was just a bunch of bull(bleeps) It was probably hard
enough on the bus driver when Mrs. Doubtfire
suddenly stopped showing up on his bus route, now he has to find out that she doesn't even exist? Maybe he's got a brother or sister, or some nieces, nephews,
grandnieces, grandnephews, and they're like, "Uncle
unnamed-bus-driver, "what happened to that
woman on the bus you "were telling us about? "Did you ever ask her out?" And he just has to
stare off and not answer 'cause the real answer is too depressing, because the real answer is, "She was never real, she
was a costumed straight man "in a costume, doing a character
and I'll never understand "why he kept the character going "when it was just the two of us on a bus. "The best part of my nights,
the thing I wrote home about, "was based on a lie. "It was hasty of me to
tell you about her." And that's way too sad and embarrassing. I like to think that things
worked out for the bus driver, but, like, how?
(beatboxing) In The Mighty Ducks, Coach
Bombay, a ruthless lawyer, gets arrested for drunk driving and instead of serving the
up-to-90 days in prison that is standard in Minnesota, he's sentenced to community service in the form of coaching
a peewee hockey team. - District 5 Peewee Hockey Team, I'm Gordon Bombay, I'm the new coach. (children laugh) - Bombay's team was a pack of wacky, smart aleck misfits with hearts of gold and after some initial growing pains, the kids grow to love
and respect Coach Bombay and he, in turn, learns a valuable lesson about how the criminal justice system is disproportionately
lenient on white offenders. Oh, I'm sorry, he learns
to believe in himself and be nicer to people. The scrappy Ducks spend the movie feuding with a snooty, well-deduced,
suburbanite Hawks. Coach Bombay realizes that
due to redistricting laws, the fancy Hawks' star player, Adam Banks, should actually be playing on the Ducks, 'cause you know how redistricting
historically benefits disenfranchised poor people? Anyway, star-player Adam
Banks joins the Ducks and they end up defeating the Hawks, and really becoming a family. A Brief But Necessary Aside about child-aimed sports movies, I've been critical of a few
Mighty Ducks plot points that seem tone-deaf now, when
viewed through a modern lens, but let me be clear. I love this freakin' movie and if you were a kid in the early 2000's, or if you're a kid right now, as always, don't watch this show
because of the language and the rightfully-assumed inebriation. You really got or are
currently getting screwed or (bleeps) because no one is making good sports movies for you. The 90's was the Golden Age
of young kids' sports movies and nobody talks about them. Three Mighty Ducks, Little Giants, Little Big League, Rookie of the Year, Angels in the Outfield, Space Jam, The mother (bleeps)
Sandlot, are you kidding me? If we age on up, a little bit
for adult-oriented movies, the 90's gave us Rudy
and White Men Can't Jump, both perfect movies. We were spoiled for choice, we had amazing, iconic, coming-of-age, underdog sports movies
for every single sport. Did Hollywood just decide after the perfect movie-sports
decade that was the 90's, that it was time to just close up shop? The second Mighty Ducks movie
had an ice skating cowboy. My childhood was perfect,
why aren't we trying to replicate that for future children? End of Brief But Necessary Aside. Anyway, who got screwed in this movie? Oh, all the Hawks. They not might've had the
unique, individual quirks of each and every Duck, but they were an objectively
superior hockey team, probably because of their
discipline and work ethic. The coach of the Hawks and Coach Bombay were engaged in some kind of
decades-long pissing match, but the Hawk players
weren't engaged in that. They were hard-working children
who really liked hockey and practiced it all the time. - Whatever, I just wanna play hockey. - They built their team
around their leader, and then in the middle of the season, some drunk-driving lawyer was like, "I'm gonna take your star player "by exploiting a districting loophole. "That won't disrupt anything, right?" It hurts any team to lose anyone
in the middle of a season, let alone a star player. They were pacing to win and then this blood-money-funded
squad of misfits, out of nowhere, out of (bleeps) nowhere, shows up and snatches their best guy. The Golden State Warriors
got KD from Oklahoma in the off-season, they didn't take LeBron from the Cavs before the finals because one of Bron's houses happened to be located in an Oakland district. Those kids did nothing wrong and they had to watch their former captain own the (bleeps) out
of them because it was the only way the soulless lawyer-coach of the Ducks could actually win. You know, this movie starts
with Bombay's lawyer-buddies, criticizing him for being too ruthless in the courtroom. - Next time, a little
restraint might be in order. - And by the end of the movie, he's recruiting child
players from opposing teams in the pursuit of winning. Starting to think Coach Bombay
didn't learn anything at all. (beatboxing) Stuart Little is an adorable
movie about a family that decides to break social norms and adopt a talking
mouse as their new child. At first, their human
son, George, is like, "That mouse isn't my brother." And their cat-like cat, Snowbell, is like, "I wanna (bleeps) up that mouse." But, by the end of the movie, George comes to accept
Stuart as his brother and the cat dies? No, that can't be right. Cat wouldn't die, a cat
doesn't die, save the cat. The cat doesn't die. The cat decides the also go against biologically-necessary
norms and accepts the mouse as an equal in the food chain. It's a great film about love
and acceptance and family. One small problem, the
Little family didn't sign out to adopt a mouse, they wanted a new child, George wanted a little brother, so they went to an orphanage
where a bunch of orphans are. And they were so charmed
by the talking mouse that they just had to have it. Even the woman who ran
the orphanage was like, "We normally discourage
people from adopting outside "of their own species." - We try to discourage couples from adopting children outside their own species.
- Which is the diplomatic way of saying, "Yo, rethink
this, it's a mouse. "The average lifespan
of a mouse is two years. "The oldest mouse in history
is, like, four years old. "And also, they (bleeps) all the time "and they don't technically
have any rights, "and finally, if you're
really gonna do this, "if you're so horned up
to get a mouse today, "please don't do it in front "of actual, human, orphan children. "These kids live everyday,
hoping they get adopted. "How are they gonna feel when you show up "and you're like, 'That mouse
with shoes is pretty cool, "'I'll take his ass.' "That's insane, you're
torturing all of these kids "for no reason. "You're making the orphans
watch you adopt a mouse? "That's not even a situation,
you dopey (bleeps)" I was so curious about
this movie's message that I tracked down a website that specifically covers
movies that feature adoption to determine if it's a fair portrayal or if it sends a bad message, or could potentially be triggering. The website is called
Adoption at the Movies and they work as a
resource to help families with adopted children
connect their experiences with wholesome films. How dope is that? Anyway, on Stuart
Little, they said, quote, "There's a lot of concerning stuff here. "His brother rejects him. "The family pet tries to
get him killed by mobsters. "Stuart is kidnapped by people
posing as his birthparents. "We learn that Stuart's
actual birthparents "were killed when they
were crushed by cans "in a grocery accident. "Stuart's adoption agency places him "without even visiting the home, "and this puts Stuart in danger. "Although this could
be a lighthearted film "for some viewers, it's
probably a safe one "to skip for most adoptive families." End the (bleeps) quote,
and that doesn't even touch on the orphans who had
to watch and be like, "Are you sure that anthropomorphic mouse "with an adult man's voice would "be a better young child
than me, a young child? "Are you sure you wanna reject me "in this dramatic of a fashion?" I guess it's nice that the
Little family is happy, but damn, I do not care. They gave a massive bed
and a bedroom to a mouse. Well, that's it for this month. Tune in next month when we'll cover, why hasn't the cool sponsor
gotten behind this show, that does consistently good
traffic and costs zero dollars to produce because we film in our office, and our in-house editor, Nick Rude, edits every episode ever
since our former editor, Noel Wells, stopped doing it? And wait, what's that? Saturday Night Live alum
and writer-director star of major-motion-picture,
Mr. Roosevelt, Noel Wells, used to edit this show? Yes, that's right, she
edited the first few episodes and anyway, isn't it weird
that I can't get Chili's to send us a few grand
to sponsor this show? Like, that's (bleeps) insane, I love Chili's and this
show costs no money, and its alumni have gone onto SNL, and I talk about Chili's all the time. Just give us, like, 100
grand and I'll talk about you for a year on a popular internet show. I'll eat your (bleeps)
southwestern egg rolls at the start and close of every episode. The economics of internet
writing is insane right now and 100 grand is nothing to you. Please, Chili's. Whoa, does not feel like
there's enough material there for a full episode, but yeah, definitely, Chili's, get at me. Give us 100 grand, you'll
help keep the site going. Bye.
