(beatboxing) (scribbling) - Hello, internet! My name is Daniel "Hot
Dog Whisperer" O'Brien, and welcome to another salty episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet that probably regrets mandating between three and four new couch gags in every episode's intro. Today's purple episode explores: (beatboxing) Whoo-hoo-hoo! Devotees will recall that
I no longer have a boss, ever since Cracked's
former editor-in-chief, Jack O'Brien, stepped
down to focus on quote: "pursuing the real killer
or killers", end quote, blah blah blah, whatever that means. Obviously, I'm thriving
with a lack of oversight, which is why I'm dedicating
an entire episode to the couldn't-be-more-timely mystery of why the 90s abused
Andie MacDowell so much. To wit! (beatboxing) Andie MacDowell was all over
the 90s romantic comedy scene. She was your go-to choice when you needed a sweet, vaguely country gal
with an infectious smile. And maybe it was that welcoming smile, or maybe it was that
charming Southern accent that subconsciously planted
the idea in our minds that she was gullible, which was a common movie trope, because, man, she spent a bunch of the 90s getting tricked by magic people! 1993! In Groundhog Day,
Bill Murray's Phil Conners relives the same day over
and over and over again, stuck in a small Pennsylvania town, covering the weather with his
new producer, sweet Andie. He uses his newfound immortality to, among many things, gradually learn everything
there is to know about Andie MacDowell, which he then uses to
establish a deep connection that must seem like
straight-up fate to her, because in her reality, they've only known each
other for two days. Throughout the film, he uses this tactic to trick lots of women into sleeping with him, and I do think the movie wants us to know that he wasn't just interested in sleeping with Andie MacDowell and
actually was in love with her, and I like to play by the movie's rules and believe that true love
did, in fact, win the day, but it's still definitely sleazy. Because while Phil does tell Andie about his powers in one of his magic days, he doesn't in the timeline where they actually end up together and we finally get to
move forward in time, so she'll go through the rest of her life with one story: "When we first met, I
thought he was an (beep), but then we had this amazing day together and it felt like we'd
known each other forever and there was such an
instant, deep connection, unlike anything I'd ever experienced." And he'll go through his
life with another story: "I was an (beep) when we first met, and then again for like
600 more days straight. And then after I'd slept
with like 90% of women in Punxsutawney between 18 and 84, I spent, I don't know, 10,000 hours learning how to be the best
at loving Andie MacDowell and also piano. It's never made explicit in the movie, but I almost definitely
sexually assaulted her at some point, right? You'd assume so, if I killed
myself multiple times, and stole a groundhog, and knowingly let people die? Surely, you'd have to
conclude that I at least once forced myself on Andie MacDowell after I got sick of her
rebuking my advances. Using my time powers for rape is still just extra-steps rape, right? No reason to assume I wouldn't occasionally downgrade to regular rape; I'm clearly at rock-bottom in
the mid-point of this movie." Hard to think about, but
it probably happened. Two different stories, and she will never ever truly know what kind of person he is, because she's missed years
and years of his life because of magic. And that's not even the
weirdest part of Groundhog Day. Let's talk about Phil's body count. (beatboxing) It isn't? Oh. We should do a Groundhog Day episode. Oh! That's right. 1996. Multiplicity is another 90s movie with Andie MacDowell
as a cheerful and sweet and amazing woman. In this one, she's
married to Michael Keaton, in the role of a lifetime
as four Michael Keatons. See, in that movie,
Michael Keaton's character doesn't have enough time to do his job, love his wife, raise his kids, and make time for himself, so instead of talking to his wife, he clones himself. Twice. So he can be in multiple places at once. And then one of the clones
makes a copy of a copy, so there ends up being
four Michael Keatons running around and this is my
favorite movie of all time. By the end of the movie, he decides not quite that he'd rather live every minute of his life
and not miss a moment, but rather that keeping
three clones a secret is even more stressful than having a job and a family and trying to
find time to golf or whatever. So he sends his clones away and spends more time with his wife. Of course, though, he
never tells Andie MacDowell that he cloned himself and
then sent the clones away, or that over the last few months, she could have been talking
to any one of his clones instead of him, and she'll never know which one, and in fact, he never tells her that
all three of his clones had one-at-a-time sex with her in the same night. And to be clear, the movie makes it clear that once cloned, the clones sort of develop
their own personalities, so they're definitely not
OG Michael Keats anymore. So Andie MacDowell is
essentially having sex with three convincing facsimiles under the false pretext of
them being her actual husband. And she'll never find out. Keaton just quietly learns
a lesson and is like "Andie MacDowell, things
are different now. Don't question anything
that's been happening for the last several months; I'm better now." And she's like, "Oh, alright", in a soothing, South Carolina accent. There's also a 1999 movie
I've never heard of called Just the Ticket, starring Andies both MacDowell and Garcia as a couple. And Garcia is a ticket scalper, and MacDowell hates it, so she leaves him. And then he wins her back
by doing a series of cons, involving dressing up like a nun, to score tickets to see the Pope. Like, that's the plot of the movie. He's trying to give up scalping and cons and then the Pope shows up, so he goes for the ultimate scalper con: Scoring Pope tickets and flipping them. That's the plot of a movie. And that's not magic, but there's a lot of
flim-flamming going on to trick and lie to Andie MacDowell, and if you don't consider the Pope suddenly showing
up as a plot point to be a convincing enough
bit of divine intervention, allow me to draw your attention to: 1996 again, my sweet little hearts! Michael is a movie where John Travolta plays an actual angel, doing his last vacation on Earth, which they're allowed to do. But twist! This angel
likes cigarettes and sugar and just being a bro, you know? He scratches his nutsack
in front of people. When word of an angel spreads, Andie MacDowell, William
Hurt, and Robert Pastorelli and a dog, I guess, are dispatched to cover
him for their newspaper. They decide to take the angel to Chicago to really let loose for his last vacation. And then we learn that Michael the angel's actual purpose on Earth was to magically get Andie MacDowell and William Hurt's characters
together romantically. That's right, God sent
a mean angel to Earth to force a love connection
on Andie MacDowell with sex-icon William Hurt. Now, I don't want to
take up too much time, because I know this
episode is supposed to be about magic in movies, but I need to take us through a detour with a brief but necessary aside on how food works in the movie Michael. When we first meet Michael, he's staying at the house of
some lonely old woman in Iowa, and she is making breakfast
for Michael and our heroes, and she asks William Hurt: how would he like his eggs? And he says, "Over easy." - How would you like
your eggs, Mr. Quinley? - Sparky's look good. - Over easy! - And then she gives him scrambled eggs and it's never addressed. - Gentlemen. - They don't even like,
zoom in on the eggs, or make a joke about how she screwed up. Andie MacDowell also
asks for over easy eggs, and also gets scrambled. - And how would you like your eggs, Miss? - Over easy would be just fine. - He battled Lucifer and
roared him out of Heaven. - And again, she doesn't
say "Hey, this is wrong!" and doesn't shoot a knowing
wink at William Hurt as if to say, "This old
woman is confused and crazy." It's never addressed! Then Robert Pastorelli
asks for poached eggs and I thought, "Poached, how
are they gonna pull that off? They won't look anything
like scrambled eggs." And then the old lady goes to the oven to somehow poach eggs on a dry frying pan and then instead, she just (beep) dies. - [Old Lady] (coughing) - She dies with an egg in her hand in front of a dry frying
pan, which is tragic, but also not what you'd use to poach eggs. Later in the film, at a dive bar, William Hurt is biting into a lemon, skin and all, as you or I
would bite into an apple. And Andie MacDowell is like, "That's not how you eat a lemon." And then she pours salt over it and eats it that way. - That's not how you eat a lemon. - (laughs) How do you eat a lemon? - Cut it in half, put salt on it-- - That is how you eat a lemon. - ...that's how you eat a lemon. - What is this, a rule? - And because things come in threes, Michael caps them all off by saying "Neither of you know how to eat a lemon. This is the right way." Then he puts the lemon
into a glass of water, adds lots of sugar, and leaves. - All you need is love. Hello, ladies! - This never gets resolved. We never learn the right
way to eat a (beep) lemon, after this sluggish parade of wrong ways, and the viewer has no
choice but to conclude that everyone involved
in the movie is an alien. End of brief but necessary aside. What am I trying to say about the insanely specific trend of Andie MacDowell being
romantically tricked via magic throughout the 90s? Gun to my head? Nothing. Two guns to my head, everything! Whenever we needed someone to get duped in a romantic comedy
and feel good about it, we specifically picked Andie MacDowell, even though other actors existed including Mary Steenburgen, whom I often get confused
with Andie MacDowell. Like I wonder if there was a producer during Multiplicity who was like, "Are you sure you don't want
Mary Steenburgen for this? I don't think anyone will know." And the director was like, "No! It has to be Andie MacDowell! She is the only one the
audience will believe!" Movies also have a hard time
showing her being capable with her jobs. In Groundhog Day, she's
a brand new producer, first day on the job. In The Muse, she is just
starting to have a career. In Multiplicity, she is
asking to start a career. In Just the Ticket, she
is an aspiring chef. Also, later in her actual career and this is true, and no I
don't know what to do with it, Andie MacDowell briefly
appears in Magic Mike: XXL, the better of the two Magic Mike movies. Don't @ me. Or, @ me,
I'm not afraid of anyone, and there's also some
magic-related (beep) that goes on. Even all the way forward in time in 2015. There's a character in Magic Mike nicknamed Big Dick Richie, and his only problem in the movie and in life is that his dick is so big that he can't find
anyone to have sex with, because every woman he
comes across is like, "No, thank you!" - That's unfortunate for you. It's like a blessing and
curse at the same time, huh? - I haven't had actual
sex in almost five months. - Until he meets Andie
MacDowell, who's like, "I'm your Huckleberry." And she takes that magic dick, she takes it all the way home, buddy, and they both feel great in the morning and his arc is complete with
like 40 minutes of movie left and she disappears from the film. Like I said, I don't know
what to do about this. Maybe it's some nice
film- and decade-spanning closure for Andie? Like she spent the 90s
getting duped and tricked and bamboozled by guys
who didn't respect her, and then as the world got more aware, we were all like, "Damn, poor Andie. I hope she gets hers one day." And then she does, in
the form of a huge dick, from a guy who obviously
should have been named Big Dick Rick. Anyway, I got us off-topic. This episode was supposed
to be about Groundhog Day. Right! Well, maybe this
will be a bonus episode. I had a lot of things to
say about Andie MacDowell and I think there's some
compelling stuff all around here, surrounded by bits and pieces
of other things I've noticed. We definitely shouldn't
release this as a main video. Like, it shouldn't be a
Monday video, or whatever. Can someone make a note of that? Can we... Christina? Can we make
a note that we shouldn't release this as a video?
