Hello, the Internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O' Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked and like you I demand that movies be uncompromisingly realistic at all times, no matter what. Not when dinosaurs or magic or superpowers or space wars or Games of Thrones are involved, obviously. But there's this one logical leap that's been bugging me since I was five and watching Jaws for the hundredth time. I'm talking about the useless, stubborn dipsh*t character who only exists to manufacture plot for the hero. Known as "straw men" for the life-size effigies we all stuff with hay as teenagers and practice our sexual maneuvers on - *beep* Known as "straw men" for the military-training dummies who stand in for actual enemies during military field exercises, These characters behave in a way that would never happen in real life all in the name of moving the story forward. I'm talking about straw men like... And then we'll go to the title card... Wait, so how do you guys get good at fingering? In Die Hard 2, 'Die Harder', Dennis Franz plays Carmine Lorenzo, The pant-crappingly incompetent chief of police of Dulles International Airport. John McClane happens to be at that airport and happens to come across some well-armed terrorists who he quickly dispatches. He wants to inform Carmine and start a formal investigation into the matter and Carmine says, "Good point, fellow law-enforcement official, let's get started." Nah, just kidding. He flips out, throws McClane out of his office and threatens to kick him out of his airport. "Look, you are in my little pond now. "And I am the big fish that runs it." Nobody refers to themselves as the big fish in a little pond. That's right up there with wondering aloud if somebody might be compensating for something for the sort of circumspect self-awareness that angry men tend not to possess mid-tirade. It's not like John McClane is some random punk. He's an actual cop and a really good one. Carmine knows this because he saw the first Die Hard like the rest of us. But instead of saying, "Hey, you're that hero cop from the news "who's really good at being a cop!" Or, "Hey! Even if you weren't a hero, "I'd still listen to you "because you're an experienced cop," Or, "Hey! Here's just a basic amount of respect "I'd show anyone," he says: "Oh, you think that LA badge "is gonna get you a free lunch "or something around here?" MacClane: "No. Maybe a little professional curtesy." "Ha! In an airport on Christmas week. "You've gotta be kiddin'." I mean, when you put it that way, yes. Doubly yes, actually. You should be nice and professional with fellow cops all the time, but now that you mention it, yes, especially because it's Christmas. Good point! "Hey, MacCalane, don't start believing "your own press. "Yeah, yeah, I know all about "you and that Nakatomi thing in LA. "Well, just cause the TV thinks you're hot sh*t, "that don't make it so." So Carmine knows that MacClane almost single-handedly stopped major terrorist thieves in Los Angeles. Which he seems to think is some glorified pit stop on the way from Sacramento to San Diego. And not one of the biggest, most difficult to police cities in the world. "I'll send your f*cking captain in LA "a f*cking commendation." All of this is doubly insane when you remember MacClane isn't acting on a hunch. He legitimately ran into bad guys with special guns that won't get picked up on metal detectors. There's an actual threat and all Carmine can say is, "Los Angeles?" Jerk-off motion, jerk-off motion, jerk-off motion. It's worth noting, that like any good straw man argument, Carmine goes out of his way to ignore some actually very good reasons to mistrust MacClane. The guy just shot someone he thinks is a terrorist on the one-year anniversary of the time he shot a bunch of terrorists. Logic would dictate that wouldn't happen to one off-duty cop once, let alone a second time on the anniversary of the first time. A rational person could be forgiven for assuming MacClane's just suffering from PTSD. A single Christmas hasn't passed without him accidentally running into terrorists and being forced to kill one. That's a great reason to distrust him, maybe hold him for questioning. "I got everybody from the Shriner's convention " to the goddamn boy scouts " traipsing through here. "I got lost kids, "lost dogs, "Not now, later! "I got international diplomats, " I got a f*cking reindeer flying in here "from the f*cking petting zoo!" The fact that your airport has boy scouts, Shriners, and a reindeer passing through it is not a great reason. Or even a reason, really. You're yada yada-ing over what is at the very least manslaughter. In order to kick the person who did it out of your office because you've got traveling Shriners to worry about? Who gives a shit if Shriners are delayed? It's also important to remember that absolutely none of this is earned We're not leaving out a scene in the beginning where MacClane walks into his office and is like, "Hey Carmine, fuck you, fuck planes, "LAX is a better airport, "I don't respect your authority, "I'm from Hollyweird "and you can suck my dick!" He shows up to help and Carmine immediately decides to make MacClane's job of stopping the terrorists just a little bit Harder. But it's all worth it so MacClane can get off this sick burn. "Hey Carmine, let me ask you something. "What sets off the metal detectors first, "the lead in your ass " or the shit in your brains?" Oh Snap! That didn't make sense. Mathew Modine's character in Dark Knight Rises, acting commissioner Peter Foley was more excited about catching Batman than he was about catching actual criminals. When he's not ignoring terrorists, he's telling Joseph Gordon Levitt, the only competent cop in the movie, to shut the hell up. "Someone get this hothead out of here." His primary problem with Levitt seems to be that he's a "hotshot". Even though all evidence suggests his definition of "hotshot" is "one who does basic police work." "John Dagget's body was just found in a dumpster "an hour ago." Thought you might want to know." "Why?" "Well, his name's all over these permits I just pulled "to half the tunnels under Gotham. "That's MTA maintenance, "sewer construction, and other things." "Where did you get to "with the tunnel searches?" "Remind me to tell detail "to keep hotheads out." But it's not clear what they are looking for in a Gotham police officer. Because when Bane takes the Gotham Stock Exchange hostage and the police are called in, Foley responds with this: "They have direct access to the online trading desk!" "I'm not risking my men for your money." I'm not risking my men for your money? But you're the police. We need you to from time to time, put your men at risk to stop crimes from happening. I know, it sucks, but that's the system. You can't be against vigilantes but for cops who pick and choose their cases. You can't hold back the police until just their money's at risk We need them for all crimes. Ideally there'd be no crimes but that's not our situation right now. I'm starting to see why this town needed a Batman. To be honest, the title of Strawman Supreme could extend to almost everyone in the first two Ghostbusters movies. The general public's response to the ghostbusters can best be summed up by the scene where they're forced to work as birthday party clowns for disrespectful kids because everyone apparently forgot they saved New York from ghost 9/11. "Who ya gonna call?" "He-Man! He-Man! He-Man!" Today, we're gonna focus on the king of all ungrateful dickheads, Walter Pack, the EPA agent who makes it his mission to stop the Ghostbusters from busting. Regardless of how good it makes one feel. "Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Venkman?" "Oh, I have Phds in Parapsychology and Psychology. "I see. "And now, you catch ghosts." That's Pack's first scene in the movie. He meets Dr. Venkman for the first time, finds out he has two Phds and catches actual ghosts and his conclusion is still, "Nah, you ain't sh*t. "I'll call you Mr. Venkman." Will anything impress you, man? Jesus, I'd hate to be that guy's kids. "Yes, it's true. "This man has no dick." But maybe that won't be a problem. And just to be clear, this guy's objection has nothing to do with the fact that he wants to investigate the equipment the Ghostbusters were using to see if it has any negative impacts on the environment, which would be reasonable given his job. His problem is that in his heart he believes the ghosts are an elaborate hoax. "Don't patronize me, "I'm not grotesquely stupid, like the people you bilk!" The Ghostbusters have been busting ghosts all over the city and on TV for at least weeks, but he insists the Ghostbusters are using scents and gases and doing elaborate light shows. "These men are consulate snowball artists. "They use scents and nerve gases "to induce hallucinations. "People think they're seeing ghosts. "And they call these bozos who conveniently show up "to deal with the problem "with a fake electronic light show." Keep in mind it's 1984. Real human being alive in 1984 were impressed with the special effects in the movie Ghostbusters. Because they were some of the most advanced special effects anyone had ever seen on film. Where you've got the help of editing and mirrors and colored pencils, I'm not sure how special effects work. Meanwhile, this guy and millions of eyewitnesses see these things happen in real time in real, actual reality and he's still like, "Nah, that's a special effect. "I would know, I hold a vague job "at the Environmental Protection Agency." Oh, also this scene, where he tells a police officer to shoot one of the Ghostbusters if they talk or move. "My friend, don't be a jerk." "Step aside!" "If he does that again, you can shoot him." I don't think a random EPA agent has authority over the NYPD to order executions at will, but luckily cooler heads prevail. "You do your job, pencil neck! "Don't tell me how to do mine!" -"Thank you, officer." Smart. Good cop, good cop. Good of you not to shoot any of those scientists at the behest of a clear maniac. Now, as I alluded to up top, Jaws has been one of my favorite movies since I was four. To this day, the first thing my cousins from Philly ask me about is Jaws. Which, if you wanna know how to pronounce Jaws in Philadelphian, it's the plural of "Joel". As in, "Yo Jackie, you gonna stay home and watch "Joels"? Anyways, I never made my love affair with Jaws a secret because why would it be a secret? Liking Jaws is nothing to be ashamed of because it's a perfect movie. Except this one part, which isn't perfect. This guy. He sucks. First thing that happens in this movie is people get eaten by a shark on a beach. So before we meet any of the characters we care about, we get shark death. The Mayor asks Chief Brody what to do and Brody says, "Hey, let's close the beach " and get rid of that human-murdering shark "before anymore humans get murdered "by sharks at our beach." "We're not only gonna have to close the beach, "we're gonna have to hire somebody to kill the shark! "I mean, we're gonna have to tell the Coast Guard!" -"Mr. Foreman, "we have to start a shark research panel!" And the mayor is like, "We tried everything! The beaches stay open!" "But those beaches will be open for this weekend!" Of course, there's no reason for a person like this to exist anywhere other than a movie plot. He's not gonna shut down the beaches just because a shark is eating people and shark experts think it's gonna keep happening. He asks shark experts their opinion, and then tells them to go f*ck themselves. Why even have shark experts on retainer at that point? It's a question every politician must confront at one time or another. The tiny beach community of Amity apparently has some sort of terrible gambling cocaine addiction because they can't afford to sit out one Fourth of July. "We depend on the summer people here "for our very lives." Yeah, there's a chance someone will be brutally dismembered in front of a national TV audience already aware that attacks have happened there. Sure, they have conditions for a mass panic on their hands already. Yeah, they have to patrol the ocean with a SWAT team of armed people who almost shoot a kid for swimming with a fake shark fin on his back. It's worth the risk so people can f*cking swim. Also, this is the only beach in America, I guess. Man, this mayor must have been elected on a strictly pro-swimming at all costs platform. And, to be clear, the only victory that Chief Brody got was convincing the mayor to hire Quint. "I'm gonna hire Quint to kill the shark." He never said, "I need the army to come in and help me wipe out this shark and devastate local businesses. It was just, "Hey, can we hire this weird drunk "who hates sharks and is good at finding them, please?" And only after someone was murdered by a shark at his beach in front of him and the entire nation on the nation's birthday was the mayor like, "Hmm, I guess!" Hey guys, hope you enjoyed that. If you can think of any other movie straw men, please share them in the comment section. Or, if you have other words spoken with a Philadelphia accent that you can phonetically spell for me, for example, Jaws being "Joels" or Todd Glass has a thing about how people from Philadelphia say Philadelphia as 'Fluffy" "Fwuffy" Please share that in the comment section as well. And like and subscribe.
