Why Mormon's Don't Drink Coffee. Mary Mack - Full Special

and they're like no we're going mormon i i'm lutheran so yeah oh yeah we're luth i have a lot of bad habits i have a lot of vices uh mainly ludafisk and pickled herring um i'm real sorry about that don't come by me uh another another bad lutheran advice is the worst watered-down weakest coffee you ever had in your life and that's why there are so many mormons that they've tried the basement lutheran coffee and they're like no we're going mormon okay see know your audience um wow i have two degrees in clarinet so yeah thank you yeah that's why i do comedy like clarinet never comes in handy for anything unless maybe you're driving and then you hit a deer and you don't have a crowbar in your trunk to put it out of its misery wow last time i hit a deer i had my clarinet with me and i only got through like two songs and he was out well yeah that's that's how good i am my first job was actually beginning band teacher that's what i did [Applause] no that is the job from h-e-double hockey sticks oh i mean it too i think like somebody went down the hill and scooped up some of the molten material and brought it back and cooled it off and said behold flutes and recorders yeah do you remember the recorder in school oh that little plastic whistle you think it's plastic it's genuine hellfire brimstone yeah yeah and every time you play the recorder it calls the devil yeah yeah and yeah and then the devil is like oh crap i gotta go up there and hear hot cross buns again [Applause] if there ever anything to make all the dark forces in the world repent it'd be 30 elementary kids playing hot cross bond on recorder for three months you know and when you're a teacher first year teacher you have such high hopes you're like yeah kids for the holiday program this year we're gonna play something from beethoven's ninth by the third year you're like okay you little turds i'm pretty sure this year we're just gonna play jingle bells and we're gonna go ahead and play it again for the spring concert it's awful [Applause] we got some teachers maybe huh do are there some teachers in the crowd oh yeah oh my gosh what get out now get off i'm just joking um what what do you teach dancing yoga dance and yoga oh wait wait a second dance dance and yoga in the school are like you have your your own studio in the school what is money growing on trees in utah how do you get dance and yoga in the schools how how is that possible i mean wisconsin we had at least a quarter on uh polka but that's understandable i mean polka like you get i mean you get out your rage doing like you can't you can't get in trouble doing this the whole time uh yeah i did i tried yoga once because uh uh no you remind me to get back on track later but uh i i've been spending a lot of time in l.a because i was sick of people appreciating me for what's on the inside and [Music] different one time a gal came up to me after i showed her and she's like what's with your hair are you wearing any product i was like boy i'm pretty sure i'm in the middle of a drug deal right now i didn't know what to do i didn't know what product was so um but but the la people are always giving me this zen advice right they're always like oh you gotta live in the now mary mac live in the now and i'm like what the now what am i a superhero then now it's like [Music] you don't even know when the now is to a little bit after the now sometimes several days go by before i realize it's now [Applause] but have you tried dabbling in the know i've tried it that's where i yoga came in and i learned this great move in yoga tell me if you teach it in your class what you do put your hands on the ground like this right boy the cameraman didn't know this stunt was coming put your hands i don't know if you can keep up with this one uh put your hands on the ground like that and stick this foot up in the air and what happens is all your negative energy sort of just shoots out your your it does it shoots out your big toe and um it it like makes a rainbow it makes a negativity rainbow and it lands on a baby in an airplane but then at the end of the class is the word we we uh which you be gracious and grateful at the end and then they say namaste but i didn't even know what that means why islam was like namaste amen and i was like i was throwing amen in there because i'm like i have a five punch card i can't waste it on french jeez don't let people walk on you you know that's a good positive thing to think uh that's my motto uh i got a new model am not the victim do you want to try it yeah ready and i am not the victim i am the killer cause you gotta think positive it gets you through a bad day let me tell you that [Laughter] you guys are gigglers that's funny um um it's hard to uh like i grew up in northern wisconsin okay like to minnesotan parents in northern wisconsin that's a lot of white um but we grew up there because my dad didn't want to live anywhere you can't just take a leak outside and yeah that's all available to you there uh but you try to explain that a small town 500 people big you try to explain that to somebody from la or new york and you're like well in a town that size you ever see a semi truck what a day that was you're excited you're scared you're like oh man maybe we're getting a shipment something's coming in tell the town's people maybe it's my birthing hips oh yeah you saw this physique coming down the street didn't you in school they tell you you're going to develop empty promise yeah listen to my voice you're probably like oh she sounds like a five-year-old and yet she has the body of a fourth grader yeah that's a mixed message so no but if you are a woman and you got blessed with curves you should be proud you shouldn't hide i mean like i didn't get i didn't get any cleavage okay because i'm from the forest so yeah i only got fast food twice a year guys yeah i didn't get all the bovine growth hormones that the city gals are getting 10 more big macs a year and it could have been somebody ah [Applause] well that's how cindy crawford did it but you know we're taught like that yeah um open a magazine and the women look perfect in a magazine i'm picking up bad habits i'll see a man walking by bigs under his eyes and i think oh that poor man he's so tired he's been working so hard and then i'll see a woman walk by with bags under her eyes and i think ah that poor woman she looks like crap it's like a double standard right yes it is and who am i to talk i gotta wear a lot of makeup just to look plain like this is it yeah i'm from northern wisconsin all the women look like me they're like oh a curvy boy but we're scrappy you know we're tough i am used to scrappy women i i uh i met this gal one time up north by my folks house her name was eve and uh she was about 81 but like an old 81 and eve told me that for her living she had been a trapper her whole life and as first of all i was like oh please let it be of animals oh gosh please please please like i walked right into this one no it was animal so she goes on telling me uh about her heart surgery very tough interesting lady smoking as she was telling me about it because eve is not a quitter and um i know and she it was so interesting she had a heart transplant but it wasn't a human heart in there it was like a part of a pig heart yeah they kept your heart coming you know what i'm talking about don't you yes it's a real science you guys it is the the only only problem is you gotta wait till a pig dies in a car accident that could take months so get on the pig list now guys before something happens to you oh man then in elementary and high school my lunch ladies their names this is wisconsin oh my gosh bunny cookie and mo right because in wisconsin as soon as you get out of the women's prison uh you get enrolled into the lunch lady protection program oh you want some more mac and cheese baby i'll give you another scoop for a hug and then the mac and cheese is so thick do you remember school lunch like they always served you a hot starch because they wanted to like just see if you could learn in adverse conditions that who can learn when they're sleeping nobody can learn when they're asleep [Music] it was a comfort food because nobody wanted to be at school um i want to ask about the comfort food you guys have a comfort food here what do you like cookies that is so normal and good thank you i asked the lady front row la i said you have a comfort food she goes yeah salads it's like god no wonder i can't live in this piece of crap town yeah salads you can't even wipe a tear with a piece of salad it's too wet you can't you need a tater tot you need that tater tot to soak up all the sobbing you know that's why tater tots were invented they're like little sponges that absorb your emotions okay oh you got some sad on you let me stop that up like tater tots care about you not salad i have to put my tater tot down salad is cold and unconcerned with your problems you need pizza you need hot you need like mashed potatoes you need a man-sized mound of mashed potatoes that you can just burrow into burrow into it and make make a feelings cave and crawl up in there till you're ready to address life again not lettuce no lettuce wants you to cry so you can grow more lettuce you guys are so nice speaking of health and wellness uh i was in the dmv the other day and i saw a 98 year old guy and i know he was 98 because i was eavesdropping on him and he was first of all why do you still have to go to the dmv at that age i feel like when you're like 85 can't they maybe give you a license and just be like this is good enough you you've been here so much it's cruel to make this guy keep going to the dmv when can he have his forever license so his great-granddaughters are pushing him around in his wheelchair he could walk he was he just didn't feel like walking he was like no i've been doing walking for 97 years i am done and i get it but the best thing he goes he goes girls did you mark me down as a donor [Music] that's a real old heart who draws the short straw in that operation oh good good news bob we found your heart uh bad news you got two years to live sorry wow but but then the great granddaughters they said grandpa you can't check the box you already donated your body to the university of minnesota so like i guess he gave it to science you know but i hope it was science i hope it wasn't like send it to the english department [Music] would that be a great day in english class what are we doing today mr johnson well a dead body came in how does it make you feel [Music] [Applause] thanks guys i uh uh i married a comic um yeah oh no i know two comedians so much depression so little time how do you do it we don't we never do it i'm back no he he's wonderful but i think it's so funny are there a lot of married folks in here okay all right so you'll get this and then you tell the others you never marry who you think you're gonna marry and and he's wonderful but in junior high girls have these lists that you make you know of who you're gonna marry and yeah tim he doesn't play the piano or drive a ship those were the only two things on my list that was being open-minded but because when you're young you think you know how romance works right but that's not how romance works how romance works is you meet somebody you're tired so you get married yeah we're we're lucky it worked out great for us right but um oh you think you know everything about romance when like i thought i did because my mom had stacks of those harlequin romance paperbacks yes it was like a red light district down at the end of the hallway and no teenage girl should ever read a romance novel because it sets you up for a lifetime of disappointment it does yeah but because your husband doesn't understand that in order for romance to happen one of you has to be out on the prairie yeah maybe doing some farm chores okay maybe you're washing clothes on one of those wrigley boards and you're wearing your best peasant's dress and you're just working and you're washing and you're washing and you want your a pirate did he get here yeah and this novel takes place in kansas and that's a landlocked state so anyway but we're doing fine yeah yeah he's a comic too so i told you that but we do get to travel uh together sometimes which is nice we have you been to san francisco ever yeah yeah yeah we we got to go there recently um but those people could never just tell you like what town they're from they always they're always like oh i'm from the bay area so i say oh yeah you're from green bay um tampa bay bay of biscay galway bay so many bays like that's pretty pretentious just to claim two very vague geographical features for yourself like bait and area like you don't just get those i live in minnesota now when people ask me where i'm from i don't say inland and expect them to know thank you yeah you get it well sometimes i will say i'm from the woods but i know that's geography but i'm rarely snooty about it um you know usually apologetic i'm like oh i'm sorry do i smell i can go back outside you know i don't need to be in here on the good linoleum it waxed it that's what i got for graduation well that's what my mom got for graduation is new linoleum for the open house i know i have a lot of cultural barriers it's hard in l.a doing shows too i i uh like i i does anybody hear some things about me uh whose family here has ever been aerial patrolled for having too many rv campers on your land anybody anybody see these are the obstacles i face i'm telling you and you can you can try to butt those rv campers up and on in and make it look just like one long rv camper but the sky police are still gonna get you oh what were you talking about oh yeah my my mom still lives in the woods yeah she's originally from duluth minnesota um yeah that's a real pale society like i i'm gonna break i i make a real good guacamole because i've left minnesota and i've left wisconsin and i've tasted guacamole and then i did my best to replicate that back where i live and my mom she can't she has to call it avocado dip because guacamole is too ethnic you want to know what else is too ethnic for my mother ah cilantro and john denver so my husband now he is refusing to visit my mom up at her shack because she won't quit burning plastic yeah i'm like tim come on she's 76 she's gonna burn some plastic okay there's no garbage service like it's not like she's got a tire fire burn and she's just real bad at sorting the garbage all right when i'm 76 i'm gonna see what burns uh if he's so sensitive about it why is he standing downwind of the pink campfire flames you can see there's a rainbow shooting out of there you gotta go to the other side you can stay upwind of the polycarbons get some wood smarts i mean what if we never would have got married i know i have my issues but would he always just be somewhere with his mouth around the exhaust pipe of a bus and be like how'd this get here [Laughter] ah he's great i uh my mom uh yeah she's uh i'll say this a lot of people don't believe in antidepressants but for a while my mom was taking them and i felt great oh good you get it good um i got some advice anybody uh thinking uh dayton or anything like that i'm gonna be be a little snoopy here's my advice i think if you ever have the choice for ladies you should marry an old guy yeah because old guys can do stuff i don't want to hurt anybody's feelings here but young guys what skills are you bringing to the table tim didn't even have a socket set when we got married i was like we're gonna die there's always an accident where you can save your life with a socket set especially if you know metric and i know metric because in school they said you gotta learn metric this is the way the country's gone so i studied and i studied and and they couldn't ever just give you a straight answer they said okay kids you wanna know what uh you want to know what a meter is well you know what a football field looks like don'tcha take that divide by a hundred then go a little bit more and you know the the kilogram is very easy that that's 2.2 pounds but they couldn't just say it the teachers were like think of a small cat that's right and left brain i was in the ungifted and untalented program but i remembered this small cat and um i'd my mom and i would watch these sunday night movies together there'd always be like a drug deal around these risque sunday night movies and the drug dealer would always say that guy's gonna need a kilo of coke and i turn to my mother and i say mother that is like a small cat of cocaine we're learning it in school i uh no but it's good to be handy guy i'm just giving the young guys a hard time i i my husband moved in to my house i bought a house about was about eight years ago because they were on sale yeah that's a clearance sale on houses um and uh i don't know if you ever tried applying for a mortgage before but it's very embarrassing i i went into the bank to talk to the lady and the lady said something about credit and then i was like oh i should get credit just for coming in here uh it's a lot of work they ask you so many questions like oh hey did you happen to apply for a visa card in 1999 down at the 7-11 so you could get half off on a salted nut roll you can't lie it's a federal offense so you have to be like craw i remember getting a good deal on a salted nut roll one time and then you don't get a house that's how it works yeah [Music] i know a lot about finance guys uh i do my taxes quarterly so like every four years so so tim moves into my house and he's he's so sweet he's trying to help and he wants he wants to do something nice so he says you know you need some security fencing around this house so i was like yeah great he leaves he comes back with some lattice work like what did you go to joann fabrics or something that is work what's your name man debbie you're you look so sweet debbie if you're in a surly mood you could bound right through some latticework kuncha yeah she even did this she did this as if you had already bounded through some latticework thank you yeah not even much motion you're like a knit lettuce work ninja you just do a little down well i i agree it almost encourages you to want to rob a place doesn't it you're like oh ladders work maybe they got some craft projects in there we could steal bob to bring your hot glue gun we're gonna do a heist [Music] yeah i brought my hot glue gun but i gotta plug it in so that the bullets melt bob should have sprung for the battery-operated hot glue gun anyway but you know old guys can do stuff i don't know how they just know when my dad was born he came out they just stamped a refrigeration license on his birth certificate you know like one day this is a true story one day my dad was having a heart attack and he saved his own life because he gave himself oxygen off the welding tanks yeah that's what you do young guys yeah do you just stay out on the lake and be lazy and have your heart attack no get off the lake go get your welding tank save your life what if we don't own a welding tank well drive to somebody's house who owns a welding tank wouldn't it be faster to go to the doctor yeah you could go to the doctor but then you're just giving up [Applause] i'm half laughing because most people don't know anything about welding tanks anymore who's been married for a while here [Applause] oh everybody you guys raised your hand right there oh but you want to retract that we're going to retract that statement well yeah that's pretty long you could i mean so who has two to get married here i could uh into the dark into the dark what's your name sir kit and what's your name yeah shanna um how did he ask you shanna oh in the car at first boy it was a long proposal [Music] what you that's a very romantic way to ask how do you feel about spending forever i'm like oh i would have paid you to ask me that that's a nice way to i my husband it was real romantic um when my husband proposed to me too because uh he came over and uh i was sleeping and he goes get up we're leaving in 15 minutes play conor he must need me to help him lift a couch or something you know so i i go out to his truck and i look at it there's no couch in there but get in there's a real nice piece of cheese on the seat not no cooler nothing else just a piece of cheese and i got very suspicious because we never buy cheeses with words from other languages in it you know yeah sargento so i'm nervous already and we take off going down the highway and he pulls over at a rest stop uh-huh you know where this is going yeah cause ever since i've been a little girl i've been like please god please let somebody ask me to marry him at a rest stop god please and please let it be just a little bit after labor day so that all the porta-potties are overflowing [Laughter] cause smell is the strongest memory sense and you'll never forget that oh you won't ever you'll remember the day um and so so that's how it happened and and then we had a uh our wedding cost about 70 including cleanup fees um because we saved all our money for what we thought would be a good idea so um let me let me uh pass this on to you it's not a good idea um we went on a three-week honeymoon yeah three weeks together like that's 21 days together like i love you but not all in a row thanks guys i just you just you just gotta you know you gotta be good at giving compliments that's one thing like um some people say when you get married you give up not me i if we're going out somewhere i like to curl my bangs up real tight i make a tight curl and i'm in the bathroom about half an hour and smoke is coming out of the iron but i'm trying and then i go out to the living room and present myself like a gift yeah yeah and he looks at me like oh it looks like you got an awning on your forehead oh thank you i think but you got to keep it romantic and it can be tough um like we can't hardly kiss because he's got a deviated septum and that's a permanent nasal blockage guys if we want to kiss i gotta get a cpap machine out um gotta be near an outlet marriage is a lot of work um and i'll i'll uh end on this is anybody struggling with a deviated septum right now anyone they can't hardly get their hands in the air because they can't get enough air in well don't worry because i'm gonna start a walk and you can pledge us per mile and you're going to know when we're coming through with our march our charity march because one day out on the street you're just you're just probably going to hear something like this yeah and you'll be like oh what is that a herd of pugs out on the street oh no it's just the mouth breathers again oh i hope they finish their 1k this time hey guys thank you so much for having me [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,041,666

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Mary Mack, Mary Mack Dry Bar Comedy, Mary Mack Comedy, Mary Mack Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Clarinet, beginning band, recorder, hot cross buns, mormons, coffee, lutheran, polka, yoga, wisconsin

Id: NpcrYS8l64A

Length: 40min 47sec (2447 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 15 2020