THE GHOST OF ACADEMIC FUTURE - Liz Miele FULL SPECIAL

please put your hands together keep that energy up for the very funny liz miley [Music] that's that's enough i don't want to start complaining immediately but that's like pretty much my act i didn't grow this year i didn't become a better person i just maintained that's really good for me my therapist said it was good enough so i actually don't need your approval i pay a woman to tell me i'm doing fine and i'd like you to remember that for about an hour great i don't think you're going to agree with this opening statement but um i kind of needed a pandemic yeah i was really tired i went to seven weddings in 2019 seven three were for love those are fine [Applause] other four were definitely because they were in their 30s and they were getting scared and it's like have the courage to wait for the recycled ones that are coming back around right that's what i'm doing i want a 45 year old divorced man with kids that can drive because uber is expensive okay so one of the love weddings was my best friend from high school she's my favorite person so i gave her two weekends i make all my money on the weekends i gave her two full weekends i gave her a wedding weekend and i gave her a bachelorette weekend and the bachelorette weekend was three days long no in philadelphia with 16 women that's too many people you're only allowed to have 11 men on a football field why do you need more support than the giants amanda not excited except for on the last day we're gonna go on a ghost tour and before i tell you about this ghost tour you need to know my relationship to ghosts which is that i don't believe in them and i've had to tell people entirely too many times as an adult that i don't believe in ghosts you should only have to tell somebody once when you're nine at a sleepover when they take out a ouija board that's the only time but i've had to tell so many adults i've had to tell my very adult aunt six times that i don't believe in ghosts and it's a little bit of a sad story when my aunt was 11 she lost her mother which would have been my grandmother so every couple of months she talks to a medium so she can talk to my grandmother which is fine i'm not judging her i take vitamins we all do stuff that's not real [Music] [Laughter] it's fine it's just a little intense cause every couple of months i receive an email that's like hey liz i talked to grandma and she wanted me to tell you that she believes in you and she thinks you're gonna make it and i'm like grandma didn't make it you know is she really in the position to be giving predictive advice when did we decide that ghosts have predictive abilities is it just because of the christmas carol and if we're going to assume that ghosts are here because they have unresolved issues shouldn't there be more important issues than christmas like why isn't there the ghost of climate change every time your trash can's knocked over why are we assuming it's raccoons you clearly have a possessed trash can you're now being haunted by the same people that haunt greta and al gore get ready to have a year where no one believes you i digress i don't believe in ghosts but i love a ghost tour clap if you've ever been on a ghost tour oh you're actually messing up my data that's a pretty good mix honestly every time i ask that question it's 90 women women love to spend 20 dollars to take selfies and have people over analyze them it's their favorite pastime for everybody that didn't clap i've been on 11 ghost tours i'm pretty sure i'm an expert they're all the same this is every ghost tour i've ever been on a failed actor stands in front of an old building he's wearing old-timey clothes but very new timey sneakers and then he tells a very boring story with a lot of enthusiasm so he's like margaret used to make quilts in 1842. then she got cholera and died and now she makes quilts forever that's it that's the whole tour right it's just that over and over again and this guy he wouldn't even mix it up he'd just like jump scare the last phrase and i was like what are you doing brian you're an actor get into it diversify the scares maybe whisper a creepy fact or crawl under our dresses tell our uterus a haunted tail or start making up make sure we're paying attention be like i once had a sexual experience with a ghost she got pregnant i have a half ghost daughter her name is greta oh my god thank you for laughing that whole joke is contingent on you knowing there's a viral meme of greta thunberg being a ghost and from the past it went viral during the pandemic okay if you don't know honestly i think we can all assume right that greta thunderberg is a ghost i know i just said for five minutes i don't believe in ghosts but she's 16 years old she's the only person in the world that cares about climate change i thought i was on fun and then i discovered greta thunberg i was like sweetheart we're all gonna die someday lean in yeah that's what i tweeted at her she wrote back i'm a ghost so i did the research for you guys three months ago i found out my first boyfriend like my first love got married and it's been over 12 years it's fine i know people say that but it's fine it's just i never had an ex get married before and i just didn't understand my feelings and i did what i was supposed to do obviously i followed the protocol i looked her up on instagram i started stalking her immediately she's very tall like like like like offensively tall and i think we all know what we're doing right when we're looking at an ex's new partner we're looking for someone that vaguely looks like us so we can justify that they never actually got over us right like for me i'm looking for off-brand liz just some in a bag cause you couldn't keep this goddess in a box [Applause] thank you yeah it just wasn't the case though she was tall she was blonde she had a great job she seemed friendly i think he never loved me yeah it was a bummer and then i had to process my emotions i'm in therapy obviously everybody in new york is it's the only way to get a good apartment here couldn't even identify my emotions i had no idea how i was feeling so i decided to make a list of all the possible emotions and work in reverse so i was like okay maybe it's jealousy it can't be jealousy i don't want to be with him it's been over 12 years it's not jealousy maybe it's loss but it can't be lost you can't lose something you don't have it's not it's not loss i think it's fear and just follow me on this i think i consider every x a lifeboat that's there just in case okay so if i'm the titanic and the fear of dying alone is the iceberg every x is a lifeboat that's there just in case i don't want to use it it's a bad day if i use it but i'd rather use it than a piece of driftwood i've never had sex with okay good we all saw titanic 20 years ago good this is good information i know [Music] i had a boyfriend at the beginning of the pandemic i remember that i don't anymore i take some responsibility for the breakup i was like we should quarantine together that's hilarious now right it was supposed to be two weeks anybody can love anybody for two weeks i was excited i was like we're in a bomb shelter of love he's like you should leave six months later i did it just it fast forwarded our relationship like 40 years do you know what i'm talking about we just became two 70 year olds we didn't have work we had nowhere to go all our friends are dead what i'm trying to say is a year ago we had a fight about where the cashews were and then we just stopped talking and then i went home i had a home the whole time i don't know i put so much pressure on this relationship so i walk into my apartment and it's disgusting like legit gross and i live with two guys i'll do chris for 10 years i'll go john for five they're my friends i love them blah blah blah but it was like a level of disgusting i couldn't ignore so i texted him i was like hey guys the kitchen is nasty can you please clean it and i went to my room i come out an hour later they're both cleaning and chris looks at me and he goes hey maybe next time you can send a text give us a heads up we'll clean before you get here and then we both win and i was like yeah but you should just clean the clean you shouldn't clean for me you should clean for you and he just starts hysterically laughing he's like that's not how it works and he's not wrong i feel like women are going around being like why can't you just be better to be better and every man's like i'll be better when you're watching final offer and that's kind of the of it all right i feel like women were sold a lie i feel like women were promised that men will change for us and that's never been the case every man i've ever dated has been cookie dough when i was promise cookies yeah it's upsetting i'm like you're 37 why aren't you baked yet they're like i'm cookie dough you just want something sweet it's good enough and i go yeah but what if i get salmonella and they're like who do we know that's cotton salmonella who cares and i go i care and they're like that's the problem i'm like you need to go home and go back in the oven cause you're not done yet i like them crispy no i don't know what that means in this scenario we're starting to get why i'm single right like that's okay it's good to know that's coming across me and my ex we were together for four years and if i'm being truthful i have only been dateable for four and a half i don't think he understood how lucky he was everyone before him unsubscribed and i took it personally it really was my fault and i i tried to do the work i tried to fix myself and i don't know how you guys would go about fixing yourself but i decided to put myself in therapy and if you've never been to therapy i'll just kind of explain my journey in my mid-20s i came to the conclusion that my parents didn't finish the job and i was gonna have to pay out of pocket for someone to raise me yeah took it seriously i was an adult i tried to do the work and i would say like three years into therapy i really started to feel better i was happier than i'd ever been before i was connecting with people in a way i had and they say people can't change but i really felt like i changed and now i've been in therapy for almost nine years and i'm pretty sure i'm better than most people yeah like i don't make more money than anybody here i'm not more successful but emotionally speaking i am better than all of you yeah i have a phd in myself i've done the work and i say all this just because my ex wasn't there i'm not saying he was a bad person i'm just saying emotionally speaking we were on completely different pages so when my ex was upset with me he wouldn't tell me for weeks for months for years and then something very minor would happen i would forget to text him when i was on the road and he would send me a slew of crazy text messages that are like i know you're blowing somebody in an alley [Music] [Applause] and it's like i don't go down alleys they're so dangerous right like if i'm gonna blow somebody it's gonna be in a bathroom it's warmer you know i'm always cold he's giving me first draft feelings does that make sense like he's talked to no one and i would never do that to him when i was upset with him i would hire a team of consultants i have a feelings focus group all of my thoughts are monitored for quality assurance so when i was upset with him i call my three best friends and i get a friend perspective and then i talk to my roommates and i get a male perspective and then i call my therapist and i get an educated perspective and then i talk to a man on a bus and i get a bus perspective okay i take all that information i take all that data and then i'd approach my boyfriend i'd be like hey you really upset me yesterday and i was talking to daryl and he's like who's daryl and i'm like he rides the b15 focus baby he's been married four times he knows what he's talking about i love daryl i'm gonna be his fifth wife me and my ex we were together for four years and and we loved each other we were just we're both really unhappy so i decided to write an email saying such i was like hey man seems like we're both really unhappy here are some ideas and suggestions to fix that do you have any ideas and suggestions and then he never wrote me back ever a week after i sent that email he sent me a text and he's like hey do you want to come over and i go actually i don't really feel comfortable coming over until you respond to my email and he's like that's totally valid i'll get back to you another week goes by he sends me a meme and he goes hey isn't this meme funny and i go yeah it would be if you'd email me back and that went on for a month and a half i stood my ground and i did not see him finally i sent him a text and i was like hey man i'm coming over today to pick up my stuff and we didn't talk for nine months and then two weeks ago he sent me an email saying i abandoned him you abandoned me i felt abandoned i was abandoned what i didn't leave you at the mall when you were eight to be raised by gap employees you cannot abandon a man with a job in an apartment right come on dude you're good-looking and you live across from a trader joe's stand in the chocolate aisle you will find someone else [Applause] six months into the relationship he told me his ex was crazy which is what every man does but this one sounded legit he said she used to scream at him in the streets and she threw a chair at his head once and because it was six months in i was like a baby who would hurt my baby and then four years later i was like that was the appropriate response to his behavior right like i never threw a chair but i picked one up once it was so heavy this was so strong i want to be throw a chair at a man strong is that crossfit will somebody sponsor me oh it's so expensive i looked up a crossfit class i decided to take a free one i walk in they're all carrying bags of rice and i was like i don't cook and i left thank you so much it's my favorite joke [Music] i feel bad i actually feel bad doing breakup material i think a part of me feels like it's not fair like he doesn't get a voice like you should probably hear his side of the story you'd still agree with me but i um i do feel a little bad because the truth of the matter is we had a nice breakup we're nice people we had a nice friendly breakup and we were actually emailing a little bit after the breakup and he said something to me that really hurt my feelings he said that when he was sad he said i never tried to make him feel better he said all i would do is ask are you okay and is there anything i can do but he said i didn't try which is garbage i did try i tried for four years i told him if making him feel better was a room i was trying to enter i tried all the ways to get in i tried the door but it was always locked so then i attempted the window but it was sealed shut so i went to that secret back door that nobody uses but it was bolted closed so i assumed he didn't want me to come in and he wrote back why didn't you try the roof because i'm not an emotional ninja this isn't ocean's eleven you're not dating brad pitt i shouldn't have to dodge lasers to connect with you come on dude you can't set up tough mudder events every few days to your heart and then be shocked when i stop showing up to the races i'm a girl trying to make her boyfriend happy not become a navy seal you weren't kidnapped you didn't go missing because i think we all know if you went missing i would do whatever i could to find you i would alert the police and i'd make posters i would assemble a crew of friends families and neighbors to search for you i would ostracize myself when they gave up too early i'd lose my job i'd lose sleep i'd start to look for clues on my own i'd find the dark web i'd buy weapons i don't even know how to use i joined the mob i'd make new friends i'd make friends that give me nicknames that i don't like like lose a man liz i wouldn't stop until i found you but you're not missing you're in the bedroom moping again and now i'm in the air duct system fighting a rat wondering if this is what people meant when they said relationships are hard and then he wrote back why'd you let me get kidnapped yeah and that's a full joke about codependency you need two years of therapy to really love it um come back to me on that guy i see i see your i see your growth and your healing in the back i um proud of you i feel like we've gone through the past two years by drinking which was 100 the correct way of handling it yeah absolutely i mean there's no books on this i mean there are books we didn't read them what i'm trying to say is i feel like our choices were jesus or alcohol and we made the right choice does that feel fair it's just that these last two years were like a little bit harder for me because i don't drink i actually quit drinking five years ago because i had really bad stomach issues and everything just kind of led that if i took alcohol out of my diet i would feel better and i do it's the best decision i've ever made it's just that nobody likes that answer [Music] people get very disappointed they want to hear that i had a problem they want to hear that it hit some kind of life rock bottom they want to hear that five years ago i was having a drunken dance party in the basement of my home while my cat was watching my husband and my kids are asleep upstairs i start twerking to a beyonce song i knock over a candle i set my entire house on fire my cat drags my body out of the burning building but that day i lost my husband and my kids yeah and now i live in a studio apartment with the cat that saved my life whose piercing stare every day reminds me of the family i lost but that didn't happen because i don't have a family because i don't drink and i think we all know you need to drink to create a family right you drink you confuse dizziness for love people make mistakes other people get pregnant but i've never been pregnant i don't make mistakes i don't feel love two roads diverged in the woods and i chose the path without tum-tum issues thank you that was light poetry thank you so much i um i borrowed a little bit from robert frost don't tell him i think he's dead but let's be safe uh i don't have money for royalties i really struggled to write new jokes during this time because i think you can kind of tell comedians we have experiences we turn those experiences into jokes but i haven't like left my apartment in a year and a half um i haven't had too many unique experiences so i wrote one too many i'm bad at math jokes and i put it online and i know i wrote too many i'm bad at math jokes because a fan of mine reached out to me and was like hey i'm a math tutor i'd be happy to tutor you in math for free which is so nice like i'm not making fun of them but like let's be clear i'd rather be waterboarded [Music] as i wait in line at the dmv than do math in my free time i'm 36 years old do you know my favorite part about being an adult i almost never do math i have a calculator on my phone we're not doing any math past the third grade you make money you add it you spend money you subtract it you go out to eat something to do with percentages this is a math emergency you know he's ever held a gun to my head and is like what's the square root of i don't know how to finish this joke i really didn't pay attention in school what i'm trying to say is math ruined my childhood but has had almost no bearing on my adulthood i'm going to repeat that math made me feel like a failure math told me i'd never amount to anything math made me some really dope weekends in middle school and high school cause i didn't do well on a test and i feel like those social situations would help me grow and connect with people in a way i still haven't figured out how to connect with but i don't think about math as an adult how is that not the making of a school shooter right why am i not running into a school guns the blaze kids are screaming and crying they're like who are you what are you doing here and i'm like i'm the ghost of academic future what the are you doing here everything you now learn is on the internet what a waste of time get a job learn a skill or start an etsy shop and yes that also goes for the teachers [Laughter] and then i gently put the guns down and i leave them for the janitors who really deserve to use them oh my god thank you so much for laughing at that joke i just i did a two-week tour in texas and they cheered in all the wrong places and it was quite unner i mean me and my uterus were like we can't do this anymore and we left so i'll take that was like a half response and i'll take that i'm actually gonna put my foot in my mouth uh i made up my own math game i know i just complained about math for three minutes um okay it's third grade math so it's on par with what i'm able to do uh it's called fantasy math and the way it works is whenever i'm somewhere that has like shitty wi-fi or no wi-fi i think like a plane a train what i like to do is think about like my last high paid gig like my last like bonkers money gig and then i like to calculate how much money i would have made if i made that every week for a month and then every month for a year and then i just kind of let my mind wander and i dream about how much better my life would be with all that money cool okay so let's let's rewind like two years ago i'm gonna train with a comic i don't know very well and he sees me playing with my calculator he takes out his earbud and he's like what are you doing and i explained the rules of fantasy math and he's like so you fantasize about having a salary liz that's a job just get a job that's the saddest thing i've ever seen then fast forward the pandemic happens i'm on unemployment for the first time in my entire life and it's like pretty good money for me serious dude i don't get i don't get money every week okay you remember how they were like hey if we give people that don't make a lot of money too much money they might not want to go back to work that's me i don't want to be here right now it was the best goddamn time of my life for like six weeks and then i started to get super paranoid i was so scared my bank was gonna call me up and be like hey miss mealy there's been some suspicious activity somebody keeps depositing money in your account every week are you like robbing tiny banks i don't know we miss our overdraft fees if you could call us actually we're chase we chase you you don't chase us you know our motto chase out like i uh i went to the dentist for the first time in five years last week i know i'm back on the market it's like let's clean it up liz so yeah so i'm showering almost every day i got my teeth cleaned i'm pretty much ready for love did anybody do that by the way like when the world opened up did anybody else go on like a full doctor's tour right it seemed so urgent i made so many doctor's appointments i made it a point my gynecologist i hadn't been there in years she's like hey is everything okay and i was like i wasn't using it it should be fine if you don't use it it can't break that's just science this is the year of pseudoscience please let me have that so make this a point with the dentist i just want to get my teeth cleaned i made that so clear i sit down in the chair and the woman goes oh my god you were way overdue for x-rays and i was like oh no thank you she's like what i was like i don't want them she's like but you have to get them and i was like oh are they free she's like no they're 400 and i was like okay well five years ago i came here and you found four cavities and i needed two root canals so i cannot afford your bad news pictures let alone your bad news picture results i'm an adult and i will no longer be paying for bad news that's my 2022 new year's resolution thank you thank you so much yeah i'm like standing on the chair at this point my bib is blowing in the wind somehow then she wrote something in my file i can only assume said with no money can't be fact checked i left pretty quickly did anybody find out how lazy they were during the pandemic isn't it isn't it for years i told people i was busy i was like oh i'd love to do that but i'm so busy oh that seems fun for you but i can't cause i'm like super busy i would try that but i'm just like really busy and then i didn't work for a year and i wasn't busy and nothing changed this is so embarrassing to admit i did not take my makeup off at night for 15 years yeah if you're a woman you're like oh my god that's so terrible for your skin if you're a man you're like i've never washed my face ever i'm really not seeing the significance of that statement it's bad bare minimum as a woman you should take your makeup off at night i do now i started taking my makeup off a couple of years ago because i read an article that quoted stevie nicks and she said even when i did heroin i still took my makeup off every single yeah really puts things in perspective i'll be honest my first thought was like i might need to do heroin to motivate myself i love putting it on i hate taking it off it's so boring this is the craziest part about it because of the pandemic i now have a 45 minute skin care regimen did anybody else fall into skin care tick tock it's a dude if you're a 14 year old girl with 30 followers i will buy whatever potions you tell me to i am so easily influenced i bought all the potions i put them on my face every night it burns i'm assuming it's burning off the old layer to make room for the new youthful layer i hate this regiment by the way i hate i have to distract myself so normally what i do is i put like an episode of something on my phone or i watch a couple of youtube videos and that was fine when i had a boyfriend he just kind of tolerated that i was in the bathroom for too long but what am i gonna do now what am i gonna a dude then be in his bathroom for almost an hour he's gonna knock on the door and he's gonna be like what are you doing in there and i'm gonna be like i'm trying to get my youth back and he's gonna be like well just sounds like you're watching conan and i'm gonna be like he's this 12-step korean skincare regiment he does every night during the closing credits everybody misses it because they changed the channel but he's actually 104 years old he looks so good for his age nobody tells them nobody tells them another skin care joke i would love to do that for you guys i actually think i got away with not taking my makeup off at night because i was on birth control for 13 years and if you don't know how birth control works it prevents women from having babies and acne the problem is once you go off it all those pimples and babies come back yeah i have 14 kids it's been very hard today two are in the green room right now i hope someone feeds them it's true though went off birth control my face exploded i had really bad cystic acne i felt very uncomfortable i felt very insecure so i went to the doctor which is just the internet for me and another 14 year old girl told me to put apple cider vinegar on my face and i did it yeah i did it for a while and i can't tell if it was a good idea or a bad idea all i can tell you is the only reason i stopped doing it is because i thought nobody would a salad thank you that joke is exclusively for people that watch the show chopped and care about their skin so it's really good to know who in here knows how to make like a toothpaste arugula salad whatever that show teaches you because it's trash but we all love it i do love that show if you don't know chopped they have like professional chefs but they give them like weird ingredients and they have to like make magic and i was like i'm not like isn't that just being poor like i don't like didn't we all do that like i'm not where's my show i'm i'm so happy to be here i'm happy to be out of the house i'm happy to be working again you have to understand like a lot of a lot of artists like just didn't make any money and we didn't make money before but it was like really bad because i got into comedy knowing i wasn't going to make a lot of money and i was fine with that i really was i'm not complaining but i always lived a very small life i always budgeted i lived this very small life and then a couple of years ago i started to build a fan base i started to do okay and i started to live medium all right like i'm buying stuff off amazon i don't even need all right i'm living that baller medium life and then the pandemic happened i wasn't sure if i was ever going to make money again and i got i got scared and i went back to living small and i just felt so mad i felt so resentful because i was just starting to live like an adult i was just starting to do adult things like shop i don't even shop i shopped at one store i shopped at one store i shop at the store express do you guys know that store it's like moderately priced it's like it's a change this whole outfit is brought to you by express oh it's a tag thank you thank you so much there's two reasons i shop at express the first reason is i'm very short and they make short length jeans and that's important to me because before i discovered express i'd have to go get my jeans hemmed that's 10 extra dollars and that's three days away from my jeans i'm sad now i'm not going to be sad three days from now i want to fill the void of my emotions with denim now the other reason i like express is all their jeans are 74.95 but i have never paid more than 35 dollars because every six weeks they mail you coupons and these coupons are anywhere from 40 to 90 off so i only shop there when i receive the coupons and i'm telling you all this because it kind of reminds me of a game i used to play with my little brothers my little brothers are about 10 and 11 years younger than me i used to babysit them in high school and we play this game called flea market and the way flea market worked i had a big jar of coins i'd give my brothers like two dollars in pennies and then i take all this junk i didn't want i put it on the ground and then my brothers would buy my junk with my money and this is how it went down every single time so greggy would be like how much is that a racer and i'd be like it's five cents and he'd give me five cents and i'd give him the eraser and then sammy would be like how much is that plastic dinosaur and i'd be like it's 10 cents and he's like i'll give you five cents for it and i go actually it's in really good condition so i'm only going to accept 10 cents and then he's like well i don't want it anymore and i'm like sam it's all my money it's all my money just take the and that's how i feel about express does that make sense like they mail me a piece of paper i give the piece of paper back they give me half price jeans it's like you're a forever 21 with a mailing list just give me my stupid shitty jeans when i want them i don't even think this is a joke i think it's a yelp review i um i think it's just like right like just like a really well constructed yelp if somebody could record it and send it to headquarters i think i could get a really dope coupon two years ago somebody hacked into my bank account and stole all the money in my account which i'd like to think was a bad day for both of us right like they found out i barely have any money what a waste of time for them and i lost everything i had so it turns out there was a virus on my computer and they could see me put in my password so i cleared the virus off my computer and on that really shitty day i changed like 45 passwords in one go i was so angry and i felt so vulnerable that now all my current passwords are like secret up messages to future hackers and i like to share them with you right now because i don't learn [Laughter] password number one i'll kill your family dude 22. go yourself hacker scum 2019. i your wife last night while you were playing with your computer 69. i'm making a lot of assumptions with that one it's like who marries a hacker if it goes south they could literally ruin your life i feel like commitment is built on trust and how do you trust somebody that can see everything that you're doing what i'm saying is when you steal from me you steal from yourself and that's the whole password thank you thank you so much yeah [Applause] it's really strong i have two roommates because i'm very successful and yeah i get it you guys probably have five or six you should try harder um i only have two i like my roommates i really do my roommate chris is a fashion photographer and videographer and somewhere in the middle of this pandemic he got so tired of doing work in his room that he took all of his equipment and he put it in the kitchen so i think big ass monitors now in the kitchen so everything he watches i have to watch so a couple weeks ago i'm making eggs i look over and in secession he's just watching a bunch of shark defense videos like what to do if a shark attacks just so we're clear we live in brooklyn he's from the bronx he just learned how to swim a year and a half ago and he has only swam in a pool what are you preparing for chris and i also watch defense videos but they are in the defense of men so he's preparing for a one in a million chance encounter and i'm preparing to leave the house after 8 p.m and i want to be wrong i want to be so wrong i want to come home late one night just like a crazy bloody mess and he'll be like oh my god what happened and i'm going to be like shark on the q train it's gonna be like look at you you're dressed like a seal you were asking for it feminism right in the middle we did it we did it guys actually pretty excited to announce this so i've lived in new york city for 20 years and last year i got to like check something off my new york city bucket list uh i got attacked on the subway i know come on come on uh i look like this i come home at 2 a.m every night i've been kind of flirting with that um so it's pretty shocking that it took 20 years and it wasn't even late at night i was going into the city at like 9 00 p.m no okay you want to hear the story i can tell um okay so the night of the insurrection i had my own insurrection not true don't know how to start this story but it did happen on january 6th so if you don't remember we're all glued to our phone we're watching youtube videos i have a group chat with my girlfriends i was like this shit's crazy so i'm on the train glued to my phone not paying attention i take responsibility for that so i'm on the train i would say four stops before i'm about to get off there's a bunch of teenage girls over here they're rough housing they're just messing with each other i ignore them my stop comes up i stand in front of the train doors i'm still staring at my phone the door's open someone kicks the back of my leg and i fling forward i turn around and i'm like what the are you kidding me are you insane and standing in front of me is three huge teenage girls i have the body of a middle schooler these are seniors possibly super seniors [Laughter] the middle girl she looks me in the eye and she goes what it wasn't me and i'm losing my goddamn mind everything inside of me is telling me to attack these girls everything inside of me is telling me to fight these girls it's like what am i gonna cobra kai a bunch of teenagers i don't know any martial arts i've never hit anybody in my i apologize when my cat bites me i am all bark nobody but everything inside of me is telling me to hit a child i don't i don't i calm myself down i don't even know how i did it i calm myself down i turn around and as i turn around they start laughing and i become a teenager again because you have to understand i've had this body almost my entire life and nothing has changed every single day i get hit in the head with a backpack every day every day i get hit in the head with a backpack they don't apologize they don't even turn around they're like why can't i move my backpack do i go to order a drink at a bar i just want to get a seltzer i'm staying at a bar for 10 minutes finally some tall guy starts standing over me and ordering like i don't exist don't pretend like my hair's not tickling your beard sir know i'm 36 years old and i have to worry about wedgies and wrinkles when does it end there's no end to this story i just start crying and it's a psa announcement all right if you are on a train a crowded bus whatever take your backpack put it in front of you if you wear natural deodorant stop stop dude you smell like strawberries and bo i'm right there take the cancer think of others taking us out [Music] i'm j i'm i'm so happy to be here i'm happy you guys came out i'm i'm touring again now which is just so exciting to me what's kind of weird is because comics are always touring but this is this weird thing where you guys are all going on vacations right now while we're touring and i feel like you think that's the same situation so you guys are your friends and family you're enjoying yourself you're on you know you're having adventures you're relaxing but comics we're not fun we're not doing anything interesting i actually do the same exact thing in every city i go to and i don't know what other comics do but this is what i do i love art so i'm always looking for street art i like vintage stores i like flea markets i like handmade stuff if somebody put their heart and soul into some kind of little nuggety thing and it's too much money for me i want that i want your nuggety thing i love that stuff okay so i'm in atlanta a couple of years ago i see this woman makes this really pretty thing out of glass and i just thought it was so cool so we ended up becoming mutual fans of each other and i hire her to make something personal at a glass for my mother for christmas last year so two weeks before christmas she mails this thing express nine days later it still hasn't arrived so i go on the website and all the website says is arriving late it's like no you sps yeah we know this so i call the post office i'm on hold for two and a half hours and i actually get a very lovely woman she was very kind i explained the situation i go hey i had this thing made out of glass i live in brooklyn people kick stuff people steal stuff when am i gonna get my stuff and she's like i'm so sorry i have the same information you do and i was like okay but i paid 15 for this to arrive in two to three days and we have grossly missed that mark do i get like a refund and she said [Laughter] no and i was like where the are we trying to save you do you remember that year and a half ago they were like save the post office save the post office buy stamps save the post office buy stamps buy stamps buy stamps buy stamps i bought so many stamps what am i gonna do with all these stamps seriously i would have had to get married 60 years ago gone to war started writing my wife every day and i would still have leftover stamp i'm not in the third grade i don't have a pen pal what am i gonna do with all these stamps and this is the thing that bothers me the most is i think i i don't think people realize our most redeeming quality the thing we do the best in america is our customer service europeans they come over here their minds are blown they're like oh my god it feels like the guy at the t-mobile store actually cares about my well-being and it's like no man that's capitalism customer is always right money over everything we have sold our souls for free refunds and a fake smile the only reason to keep the post office is so every american knows how it feels to be anywhere in poland they don't want you there leave i've been to warsaw that's what they said i have a genuine question for you i don't even know if it's a joke but i i'm taking in data and i feel like i'm right and i never get the response i want so i really have no hope but is anybody in the audience in their 50s 60s or 70s and or has parents in their 50s 60s or 70s it's just kind of oddly obsessed with the post office they're there every day they're mailing stuff you don't know what they're mailing anybody anybody i see your chatter it's always one it's not a hot it's not a big population but i swear to god it's always one someone's mother nothing real okay let me hear it so my uh my housemate is a 70 year old woman and every day and still writes in very stylized cursive yes and every day he sends a envelope or a package to someone and puts more than enough postage on it because we have stamps of course cause we're good people we're good people we have so many stamps you're like this could cost a dollar i'm giving 7.50 and then two days later it comes back unable to be delivered as a dress is she sending this to ghosts is your roommate sending this to ghosts that's what's happening so okay so just to recap you have a like a 70-something year roommate that goes to the post office mail something to probably a dead pet i think that's probably what's happening and then that pet is like no thank you and then and then it comes back and she's just trying to get rid of stamps that's what i see that's okay she'll go this is spooky this isn't even you're messing up my data completely this is this is a haunted tale and i think your roommate talks to ghosts and i know you know how i feel about them so this is crazy oh my god oh my god does she pay rent who cares who cares if your roommate's a ghost if she's that's actually why we have a rent-stabilized apartment because she's been here since 1818 okay thank i appreciate that everybody else i know you have somebody i don't need this okay so this is 100 true a couple of years ago my mom mailed me 30 in quarters not even like it was like it was like a maraca i was like what do we do like my mom's getting up there i called her i was like are you losing your mind and she's like what she goes you told me the laundry machine in your building take quarters and that's very that's very sweet but it cost her ten dollars to send do you see what the pro my mom my mom mailed me just one sock recently just one sock i was like did you mail me a sock she was like i thought it was your sock i was like mom it's a kid's sock it's like definitely a child's whatever so this is this is uh my mom loves the post office story okay so my little sister she got married a couple of years ago she lives in los angeles my entire family's on the east coast my mom hates to fly so she calls me up she goes will you fly with me i don't want to fly alone i was like i got you a week before the wedding my mom mailed all her clothes to los angeles everything she's going to wear that week her heels her makeup her dress and her logic is nobody's gonna touch my stuff cool bro not how it works whatever so the day we get to the airport all my mom has with her is a little backpack and all that's in this backpack is her kindle her wallet and three huge bags of cinnamon gum do you know what i'm talking about like sam's club industrial sized bags of gum we're going for four days what's gonna happen that you need access to this much gum whatever so we get to the airport i abandoned her immediately i have tsa pre i was like go yourself mom um i pay people not to touch my stuff but i came back around so i come back around come back around she goes through the x-ray machine the beeper goes off she gets pulled aside she gets a full pat down and then they take her bag and they take everything out of her bag and she's freaking out she's like i don't understand i don't know what i did wrong and i was like mom you have a suspicious amount of gum and no underwear you look like a drug mule we watch narcos together give them your gum mom give them your gum i i gen i love my my mom is a character i love my mom so much my mom is in her mid-60s and in her early 50s she got into crossfit and she did crossfit for like eight years then she quit crossfit and she did kettlebell training and kettlebell competitions then she quit kettlebell training and now my mom is a competitive power lifter yeah three weeks ago she lifted 303 pounds and she broke state records for her age group and her weight class you can clap that is amazing yeah yeah all right all right let's keep it in perspective there's like two other old ladies and a dead woman like let's cut we're all very proud it's just i just feel like i could have predicted this future for her because she was incredibly abusive most of my childhood so strong why'd we let her get stronger feels like a mistake right and don't give her my mom's level it's just she was miserable my entire childhood she had five kids she didn't want us she's told us and i i see it now but i i should have seen it as a kid there were so many signs like uh all right do you remember in the 90s there was a woman that drowned all five of her kids in one go okay i've never looked that up i never looked that up as an adult i've never read that article i just know about it because it was a running joke in our family so my dad he'd come home from work and he'd be like hey sweetheart how was your day and she's like god damn it jim i was this close to naptime bath time you have no idea i was like what's nap time bath time seems dangerous this is one of my strongest memories i'm like six or seven years old i'm in a bathtub by myself and when you're from a large family that's super rare so i'm actually pretty excited about it i have my mom's undivided attention i was like this is my moment i'm gonna impress my mom so i was like mom i can hold my breath underwater for 30 seconds do you want to watch and she was like i bet you could hold it longer because she believed in me i don't know if you guys have she believed in me the whole time you guys were awesome thank you so much i'm lizzy [Music] from [Applause] [Music] once [Music] oh [Music] best friends [Music]

Channel: Liz Miele

Views: 1,175,454

Keywords: Liz Miele, Full Special, Comedy Special, Stand up comedy, Stand up, Ghosts, Math, Break ups, dating, pandemic, Climate Change, quarantine, math, hating math, school, hating school, not drinking, being sober, skin care, skin care tiktok, getting older, wrinkles, shopping, post office, bad childhood, mom jokes, being short, Greta Thunberg, bachelorette parties, comedian, female comedian, jokes, comedienne, 2020, Bank account hacked, being attacked, subway, New York City, being broke

Id: XWbqA94Qsi0

Length: 53min 39sec (3219 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 07 2022