1 Hour Of The Dumbest Stories On Reddit (r/AskReddit)

what's the dumbest thing an ex ever said to try and win you back okay I know it was bad to dump you while you were an intensive-care but you were really bumming me out you a lot better now though so it's all good was in and out of critical condition and had several emergency ops over the course of five weeks in hospital he dumped me over the phone while I was lying in my hospital bed after I was discharged he waited two months then tried to come back he also never came to visit once he said he didn't want to see me that way as it wasn't very attractive told him to get freaked I just don't think either of us have the right mental state to date other people right now come home please bring McDonald's I know this must have been frustrating for you but I love it the presumption it's breathtaking he broke up with me by sort of gusting me after two years together he wouldn't show up when we had plans then text me later and apologize and say sweet things but go on to ignore my calls for a week he said his status to single on Facebook so I figured it was done and deleted him almost a year later he sent me a text saying he was sorry that he was willing to talk and answer any questions I had and that he regretted what he did because I was the second best girlfriend he'd ever had i crap you not I told him I didn't need his answers and didn't want to be his friend he never bothered me after that my ex ghosted me too he was that guy that would make you feel all special then never communicate unless it was on his terms he stopped talking to me for about six months after he first two weeks I just stopped caring six months later he calls me asking to go on a date I'm just like you have the wrong number sorry I didn't love you then but I love you now B you cheated on me two days ago what a coincidence I love you then but I sure don't now she cheated I said so long get out of my house she did moved in with this guy she showed up a few weeks later with her cat and some belongings and said she made a mistake wants me back because she needs me to take care of her sorry what you're trying to move in while cheating on me and simultaneously asking me to pamper you my phone rings hey just wanted to let you know that I'm getting married this afternoon and I'm pregnant so now is your last chance two years later my phone rings hey I'm pregnant again and getting married again this is your real last chance eh you'll catch her on the next one try the OL a fake pregnancy to keep me around only thing is I'm the female I'm not sure how he thought he could convince me I was pregnant I'm pregnant wait no that doesn't make sense you're pregnant well she started the apology off by punching me in the back of the head if we break up it's just a matter of time before you ask for your laptop back and I use it for school so I'm going to have to drop out and my kids are going to be raised in poverty do you really want that on your conscience done that's some fine crazy logic right there I once dated this guy who literally carved my name into his hand he said he did it because he couldn't afford it - - and when I broke up with him for it he said but your name is carved into my hand I'm not sure if that was supposed to me me stay or if he at that moment realized how stupid he was we don't have to be boyfriend and girlfriend that I don't want you having sex with other people my new girlfriend is terrible I miss you a lot like I sometimes regret leaving you you are so much better than her just so you know I'm going to dump her soon after we go on vacation because I'm using her miles to buy my ticket like oh there are so many things wrong with that and the vacation was two months away I told him he had made so I didn't feel bad for the fact he missed me and never spoke to him again my ex-husband did this to me I didn't realize how much I was going to miss you you understand me better I call her your name all the time we were so good together one month before the divorce was final after he left me to move in with his pregnant gf I just started laughing at him I couldn't stop he got mad and left again had an ex tell me that if I did not take her back she would sue me long story short I'm now a proud owner of a victory in court Your Honor I demand the plaintiff sleep with me and take me to dinner I am the only one that wants you he decided to make a grand gesture for my birthday which was about six months after the break-up he had a cake made in the shape of Australia he had it shipped to me in a locked steamer trunk keys in the card all of this was based off of a line from dr. Horrible's sing-along blog she may cry but her tears will dry when I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia double-quote this is after I found out that I was the other woman and I had started to date someone else it was just painfully awkward sidenote the cake was dry that's a lot of work for it to not be moist I thought you'd miss me by now I know you lying cheating bastard finally broke up with him after three years his big gesture to get me back and email about how he couldn't live without me and it as follows I get now that you're not a W that's why I treated you the way I did I thought you were a double you build now I see you're not Wow be still my beating heart and people say that romance is dead a month after we had broken up I started dating a new guy my ex told me that he would cut his hair to look like the new guys dress like the new guy and act exactly like the new guy if I got back with him I just missed the boy I used to know then she turned around and walked away she later texted me I wanted you to run after me you obviously missed the part where this was a Nicholas Sparks story and not real life I'm just kidding we are not really broken up me WTF no sorry that's not how this works reminds me of my first serious boyfriend I told him I was ending it and he just smiled and said number took me a couple days to convince him I actually meant yes but my mom and I were talking and I was going to start letting you hang out with your friends in a week or two I know it's been like a year but I've asked out four other girls and they've all said no so I thought how to try again with you nobody will ever love you like I did great I could do without being loved via a fist to the stomach my abusive ex-husband sent me along in personal email three years after I left him my favorite part was we should get back together I don't want to be with you goodbye some miracle of God I might grow to tolerate or even enjoy your company he was serious I laughed for about two minutes and then sent screenshots to my boyfriend those are some world-class levels of delusion I didn't freak both of the twins I only flicked one spoiler she did flip them both I know I cheated but your dong was better than his I was thinking about you the whole time after telling me she didn't love me leaving the kids with a friend whilst I was at work so she could go get drunk with her male friend getting drunk whilst throwing my son a birthday party and texting her male friend whilst locking herself in her bedroom and letting the other parents run the party for her I was at work the final straw came when she told me I wasn't invited to her party her brother was throwing so I had to stay home to watch the kids she had left herself log on to social media so her sexual messages to her male friend were pinging up every minutes or so until he told her the taxi was outside I changed the locks that night and packed her clothes and put them outside her mum's house when she came home she was screaming and throwing bricks at the house so I told her if she didn't leave I'd call the police drum roll please but you can't just turn off ten years of marriage you must still love me I would have treated you better except I thought you'd never leave me I promise I won't try to stab you again I would have married you you know if we had stayed together row so you mean we could have been in this hideous codependent sham of a relationship forever him just talk to me and tell me why me because it's not working and I'm not happy him but I've changed it'll be different me number I've made my decision I'm done we are over him is there somebody else if there is just tell me just tell me who is tell me who you're freaking me I'm not doing this you're acting crazy I'm hanging up him if you hang up on me I will kill myself me stop this you can't guilt me into staying on the phone now I've got crap to do I have to go him what do you have to do you're just standing in your living room talking to me on the phone you don't look very busy to me I can see you you know it was a long-distance relationship he lived in a town across the state stalking is not flattering it's terrifying you're just standing in your living room talking to me on the phone you don't look very busy to me I can see you you know that's a line fresh out of a horror movie it won't happen again we were 17 and it was so obvious that he was cheating the guy didn't even try to hide anything I still remember getting a message from his best friend saying so he and her are all over each other at the moment bless your socks Dillon saved me a crap ton of teen anguish he tried to stop me from leaving by asking what day it was I was surprised to hear that because it was exactly a year since we got together I didn't do it on purpose it just happened so I answered why it's the 5th of December and he said please stay with me until the new year to be in that mess for another three weeks no thank you the same ex tried to get me back after that by saying that I'm ugly and won't get another man even if I try to pay him when I asked how he had tolerated me for so long then he answered I could have tolerated you for the rest of my life romantic I'm paraphrasing here but it boiled down to hug this guy I cheated on you with his so awful we should hang out and I was all like maybe I'll publish every nude pic you sent me I left him anyways he never published anything left a dead rose in my mailbox after calling my house about 100 times called later and asked if I liked my present and told me that's how he feels without me dead and withered somehow I was not moved to take him back ha I bet he thought it was a super poetic gesture broke up with dirtbag ex while in Mexico with my mom my mom he said I cheated on him and told me my dad died to get away from my spoiled princess ways he spent the next 6 hours calling me and my mom trying to win me back roaming charges were disgusting so we didn't answer or read the texts way too expensive finally my mom got Pia and answered the phone he was breathing heavy my mom asked what he wanted he said I just want to talk to her you have to let me talk my mom said fine talk he said all Sara had to do was and then my mom hung up cause she didn't want to hear more about what I did wrong after reading over a hundred texts about what I did wrong how awful I was how much he misses me the girl he slept with the lies he told me the apologies for the lies the endless litany of how he'll change e.t.c e.t.c I turned off my phone and didn't turn it on until the next morning that morning I had almost a hundred missed calls and 18 voicemails I didn't listen to any of them Frick you Ken damn it Bobby come on take one for the team i wad cheated on me with more women than I have fingers and toes then I found out told him a new one he goes and gets a huge tattoo on his forearm of a nickname he gave me that I never liked and was shocked when I told him to go deep throat a cactus was the nickname glow tits college professors of reddit what is the dumbest thing a student has said or done when we have you turn papers into an online anti cheating software don't buy the paper from a previous student on those note sharing sites I promise you it's in the database one of those sites claimed my paper had too many similarities to three other papers in the professor got insanely confused it was a group project where everyone wrote the introduction methods materials and data sections together and then we wrote our own discussion and results it took her a disturbingly long time to figure out why the whole class was cheating in groups of four hey here my favorite was a student who came up to the professor after class and asked if he could take the quiz a day late because it was on arm day and his arms would be too tired to write not me but my aunt has taught college and high school level history courses she once assigned a paper on something to do with the role of rhetoric in the Roman Empire I don't remember the exact wording of her assignment but it was something to this effect a student completely and entirely missing the point of the assignment and possibly of the English language in general spun an elaborate paper of the fictional life and military and political career of a Roman soldier named rhetoric my aunt still has the paper somewhere it's a Haute the world needs to read that paper find it at all costs stay for a glassblowing class my university has so my school is very stem focused like 70% engineering majors so there isn't a lot of artistic talent among us but some people are really bad so I had one guy who was struggling and no matter what I did he just wasn't getting it his pieces were generally very small sloppy asymmetrical etc so for his final he hands in this beautiful vars cool colors symmetric nice size and weight well the professor was looking it over and giving her compliments except one problem she had made it a few days before and it went missing from the shelf will be put pieces while we wait for people to pick them up so the guy tries to turn in a piece made by the actual professor I overheard two students have the following conversation student one isn't it awesome we get to live right by the ocean student - that's not an ocean one but it has a beach if it's not the ocean what is it - I don't know I work in Chicago I went to a college that is on Lake Ontario which is the lake that is in between New York and Canada I've heard a few different students seriously refer to it as the Atlantic Ocean and wondering why it wasn't as salty that far inland college course students are asked to estimate the date in which Atilla took over Europe it wasn't a history class the goal was showing that people's estimates are influenced by those other people around them except that the first girl said 6,000 when the professor said 6,000 6,000 what she replied ad she's not wrong yet we were having a lecture for a course about cultural awareness the lecturer asks any questions one guy raises his hand and asks is the Murray River brown because Aborigines bathe in it if mean if you wanted to play it straight you could argue that a high-traffic river would be naturally cloudier than one that experienced fewer usage not me but a colleague two students came to see him during office hrs with a complaint your exams discriminate against students who can't think he swears that's a direct quote I think they must have meant to say something like can't think under pressure but that's not how it came out out of morbid curiosity he asked them what their major was answer we're both pre-med yeah you might want to rethink that plan kids i was in an american foreign policy class and on the first day of class the professor asks what is the capital of Canada after a couple of incorrect guesses at Toronto and Montreal one girl blurts out Albuquerque the professor looks at her and says Albuquerque as in Albuquerque New Mexico he got a good kick out of it and on every test the rest of the semester there was a multiple-choice question asking for the capital of Canada with Albuquerque as one of the choices similar thing happened to me in a presentation in my Japanese I read a hiragana character wrong and accidentally said I was a noodle the prof called me noodle for the rest of the semester 20 years have gone by and the only thing I remember how to say in Japanese is I am a noodle word-for-word freakin copying of an assignment even down to the other guys student number spelling mistakes and format not a professor but a gradual T here we gave an exam question where the students had to explain the difference between wild boars and domesticated pigs and how those trays reflect current theories of domestication more than one student referred to the boars tusks as horns but one particular student wrote the whole answer about how pigs lost their antlers due to domestication Pig gunt lers as a note I double-checked and he was a native English speaker too so this was not an issue of translation oh dear I was at a in a college psychology class and one of the papers asked how would you explain emotions to an alien from another planet who didn't have any some kids answer was how he'd explain emotions to a Chinese person I was at a final one time and the professor was counting the students he then said I printed off exactly enough tests but there appears to be one more student than test so if you're here and have never seen my face please leave someone got up and left we are all very confused what that dude was thinking this was an 8 a.m. chemistry final on a Saturday not so much stupid as much as it was goddamned hilarious my wife and I both professors were crossing the quad after a meeting a very frantic girl runs across campus yelling into the phone just delete the really naked ones it's my go to ridiculous student story and I never even knew her name as opposed to slightly naked here's a story from one of my husband's colleagues after an exam a student told the professor I didn't know the answers to the essay questions so I made up my own essay questions and answered them the professor replied that's the stupidest thing I ever heard and when I go to lunch I'm going to tell all my friends copy-pasted the first sentence from wikipedia as his full essay in one of my English classes we had to write a paper about an event that occurred on our birthday or a biography on someone that shares our birthday one kid copied the entire Wikipedia page on his topic pictures titles the sidebar with the different languages and the references but didn't even edit it before he turned it in I was a college lab TA for many years and we used to actually keep a running log of all the stupid stuff students would do my favorite to this day student T a my thermometer isn't working can you please take a look me walk over and look at the setup try not to burst out laughing that's a pipette student not a thermometer he literally forgot what a thermometer looks like we were doing color illumination and a student called me over to see if she was looking at the right thing in the microscope one she didn't have a slide on the stage to focus on - she didn't have the light source turned on three she didn't have the microscope plugged in yet I had a student come to office hours to contest his exam grade specifically the short essays him I just don't think it's fair I lost points here I'm being punished for not knowing the right answer me that's the point of an exam in the first semester I ever taught freshman composition I had a student who came to my office hours drunk submitted a formal essay with a cover page that had his name and the course information written on it and different magic markers and submitted another formal essay printed on five pages of fan-fold tractor feed printer paper with the tractor guide still attached the page is not separated from each other and with a staple in the upper left corner think about that for a moment you can guess his grade I was a gradual TAFE or an architectural history class last semester and this one lovely student who got a two-stroke 100 on his final exam yes he read that correctly informed me all the professor rather that this class was way too freaking hard and you expect way too freakin much of us I obviously failed the class so Frick Yulin see you next semester this was his written answer to the last essay question in a class that he is required to take as an architecture major with the only professor that teaches it I'm just at a but a surprising amount of students and labs like to turn in lab reports that their friends who already took the lab wrote in a previous semester and I mean they received the lab report from their friend and then turn it in without even changing the name of date at the top of the paper it happens every semester without fail I had at a once read a student's lab report out loud because the student had literally typed random words in it assuming no one would read it to grade biology professor here I had a student give a presentation on genetics only it wasn't so much genetics but a compilation of neo-nazi websites saying that Hitler was right for purifying the gene pool had to shut that crap down real quick not a professor but this was when I was in grad school grad school student in back of class can you get into social personality disorder from a sneeze teacher what student my friend is really mean sometimes an acts like lists off random symptoms of antisocial which we'd been discussing that day and he sneezed on me I mean do I go to the doctor and get a shot crickets how did this girl get into grad school no sweetie number you cannot get a non-communicable mental health disorder from a goddamn sneeze I'm a paramedic I have had more than one patient who thought their diabetes was a sexually transmitted disease I teach English at a private Christian college while discussing the weight of glory by CS Lewis we broached the topic of Abraham's bosom as shown in the story of the rich man in Lazarus I say to the class being mature what is a bosom dead silence from the back of the classroom I hear a voice a but now I try not to mock my students for any reason but I couldn't help but laugh after I collect myself I say no it's not about after Lazarus died he did not go to Abraham's but after he told me that the passage in question made a lot more sense to him now I had to explain to some people for a group project what the word bosom meant I said chestal area but they heard me say chestal area like a disease I teach voice lessons one of the course requirements is to attend concerts we all have various ways that we audit actual attendance in my first year I made them write concert reports as well as bring me a program or ticket or some such one student who was always a little scattered turned in a concert paper for a concert called the annual Chancellor's concert as I read his paper it quickly became apparent that he had not attended the concert but rather had looked up the concert program online and attempted to write something relevant this was apparent because the program he was writing about had occurred some five years earlier and not on the concert that he was claiming to have attended apparently the implications of the word annual was lost on him oh let me count the ways I had a student misses midterm exam because and I quote I got fired from my band and I was too bummed out to come to school I had another adult student 35 who pitched a fit during a meeting of students and teachers to figure out times for private lessons because he claimed we were disorganized I got him calmed down enough to resume the shed ruling and then he went off again ending with if this had been the Marines someone would have been shot by now then there was the student who thought he was too cool for school and used to wear mirrored sunglasses all the time as in in class etc one Monday he didn't show up to class and it turned out that over the weekend he'd been at a party where there was alcohol and it got raided by the cops since he was underaged he tried to run for it but since he was wearing his shades and it was at night II ran face-first into a fence instead some kid gave a speech on why weed should be legalized and only used quotes from Snoop Dogg I'm not a professor but one of my professors told us this funny story he was teaching one of the basic level literature classes a class that only exists for students to fulfill the core curriculum requirements so of course the class is full of students who don't care about interpreting literature there was a group of students in the back all friends all frat bro types business majors after the final exam one of those guys emailed the professor and said why did I get a D on the final I copied off my friend next to me and you gave him a C that's bullcrap my professor was shocked because our school has a no-tolerance rule anyone found guilty of plagiarism gets expelled he decided to ignore the email because he was so indifferent to that student row that's an impressive act of kindness and a completely blown opportunity to screw with a student obligatory not a professor goes here okay anyway I was actually pretty solid brought with one of the professors in my major a guy who had been teaching at the college for nearly 40 years he was an oddball who everyone thought wasn't the sharpest bulb in the sky and he'd tell me stories about dumb kids who tried to pull a fast one on him the best one actually came with evidence a note on yellowed paper he'd kept from 1985 it was a piece torn off from something like a white paper bag with ballpoint writing and all it said was hello dr. Morningstar I am the doctor of Chris last name redacted he will not be in class today because he had a headache I have prescribed him a medicinal herb and have told him to listen to music he will be doing that instead signed dr. angry squiggle he said it was the dumbest thing anyone had ever done because the handwriting was easily recognized as the students he did let this kid off the hook though because he'd been through the sixties so you know whatever we almost framed that for his retirement though wasn't the sharpest bulb in the sky well that's a new one not a professor but was in the class okay the course I was taking was intro to human evolution covered the science of evolution the history of discoveries of our relatives in the Homo genus the chain of evolution that near the end result of and how scientists classify animals et Cie etc it was a fun class anyway the class was your standard once a week lecture with a once a week lab section with at a it also had an online component through one of those courseware software packages that we'd use to turn in stuff online and take quizzes and see the syllabus there was also a chat room on the courses page that's important one week the professor was out of town for a speaking engagement so she arranged to have us watch a video in lecture to write a precis about it sort of a short summary relating the contents of the video to the section of the course we were in and turn it in easing well someone found a copy of the movie on YouTube or something watched it wrote his play see ahead of time so he wouldn't have to go to class he sent his precis to his friend who then posted a link to it and to the video on the courseware chatroom in a class of about 200 students 180 or so didn't show up for the day of the video I was not one of them they had all watched the YouTube video and or used the guy's precis to write their own and turned it in some people just straight copied the guy's precis and modified some words according to might a a couple of people didn't even go that far and just slapped their name on the top the best part about the whole thing not only was this this was all arranged and talked about on the chat room on the courseware website at the professor and the TAS regularly read and participated in to answer questions and whatnot the YouTube video that this all started with was the wrong movie it had a similar title but it was part of a series and they had all watched and written about or copied words written about the wrong movie so those of us who did the assignment properly got automatic as and extra credit people who watched the YouTube video and wrote their own thing got DS people who copied the original press he failed the assignment and were referred to the dean of students for academic dishonesty now i lied this is the best part a month and a half later the professor had scheduled the same thing movie in class precis about five people in the course did the same fricking thing and again coordinated it in the classroom chat they found the wrong video copied another person's work they were expelled Creative Writing day one professor I want everyone to say your name major and favorite author this is the only time I will tell you to lie in class if you don't have a favorite author make one up student I'm so-and-so I'm an education major I don't have a favorite author because I don't like to read there were actually two students with that exact same answer same major - I worked as an English tafe for adult high school classes at a community college I was asked did the Goths who sacked Rome wear black and how did Shakespeare write Julius Caesar if Caesar died before Shakespeare was born the most concerning however was the responses to an open book test Q named three elements a fire water and air I was told that writing motherfrakker this isn't Pokemon on the test would be frowned upon by administration earth hot Captain Planet math class for non-science majors there were a total of 25 students in the class I was planning on cheating on all of your tests and quizzes but now I'm pretty sure you would catch me I'm not a professor but as a university student I showed up for an English class a bit early where one of the students was having an impromptu meeting with the prof about the required reading for the course this was still early in the course I'll never forget her holding the syllabus up to the professor and saying but do we actually have to read these books the professor just said that's supposed to be the fun part which was a pretty diplomatic response I would have been a bit more incredulous I don't know what she was expecting in a university English class the doctors of Reddit what is one of your favorite this dumb boss cases you have experienced in regards to the patient the woman who got into a fight with her husband took out a handgun fired into the ground to teach him a lesson she shot herself in the foot that must have looked really funny for the husband though man came in with a rubber band doubled around one finger the finger was blue another doctor and I just looked at the finger then looked at him the unspoken question never answered was why but the thing that bothered me then into this day was when it started hurting why didn't you take the rubber band off my friend's dad is a vet he once told me that a lady took her cat in because it kept getting sick meowing Audion throwing up he later came out she was force-feeding her cat Froot Loops for dessert as if it were a completely normal thing to do here have some frickin dessert who freaking cat I remember a patient who came in with eye rotation from the beginning it was clear something unusual was going on there was an alarming amount of plant material packed under his eyelids while rinsing it out for him he explained he was vacuum sealing marijuana and opened the lid of a tube to look inside the actual physics of now this happened from a vacuum sealer are not clear to me I think he was reluctant to admit he was pressurizing it to create extracts but whatever in any case he received a face full of pressurized marijuana most of which seemed to collect under his eyelids after pressurizing a container full of weed and promptly opening add inches from his face to look inside dumb bars the actual physics of how this happened from a vacuum sealer are not clear to me air rushes in and picks up the particulate and momentum causes it to pressurize over ambient so it blasts back out carrying the debris it will continue to cycle back and forth as it equalizes but the initial blast will be quite powerful well military medicine is a tad bit different but same thing applies I had this marine come in with a big hole through his left foot and as I'm asking him what were you doing at the time and how did it happen he replied I was at the range and I wanted to see if my steel toe boots were bullet proof I guess not doc that's the most Marines thing I've ever read ok I'm going to chuck in my paramedic not a doctor story this was only a few months back a man decided to impress a group of women by jumping from the first floor of a building on to a group of umbrellas setup for an alfresco dining area on the street below he actually told us he intended to bounce from one to the next to the next et Cie etc went straight through the first umbrella of course shattered the bones in both his lower legs instead this was a man in his 40s I actually asked him you're in your 40s and you're still using silly playground tricks to impress chicks he at least had the sense to look embarrassed I then asked him so what happened to the women oh they just laughed at me while looking over the edge similar story in regard to the age went to a concert for a once popular punk band popular in Australia anyway back in the 90s this bloke again in his 40s thought he would relive his youth by doing a stage dive just like in the movies the crowd parted and he crashed on through to the floor instead had a head laceration and blood everywhere he had shaved his head into a mohawk seemingly that day the bull part was very white he just looked like an idiot a scribe here one time a patient came in complaining of severe eye pain with visual disturbances and both eyes would start in about three weeks prior edie doc asked if they wore contacts and they said yes and that they knew why their eyes started hurting they hadn't been cleaning or removing their contacts before that initial three weeks then they kept freaking wearing them for those three weeks until they came to the air they were another couple days away from losing their vision permanently the women with five kids who when asked at her midwife act if she needs contraceptive advice goes oh no he always pulls out genuinely believes her five soon to be six kids are immaculate conception dealing my odds and Gini block at med school woman comes in for an abortion asked about contraception says he always pulls out the EMT has strapped my brother to the gurney literally said you've done a stupid-ass thing today kid as he did it my brother got into my dad's tool shed and started up the freakin chainsaw when no one but us very young kids were home he was 15 and I guess thought he could handle it but I was about 11 so I can't even begin to you what he needed it for anyway it kicked back real hard when he turned it on and he panicked and dropped it and completely chainsawed off what seemed like half his foot but ended up just being four or five toes in part of the very top right side the EMT had to turn off the chainsaw when the ambulance arrived because neither me or my brother could do it we literally had to wait while my brother and I held a shirt to his foot we also had to tie a sleeve around this leg because the lady on the phone told us to while the EMT carefully snuck up on a running chainsaw and turned it off he was fine but those toes are toast and he's now a 29 year old father of four with a prosthetic insert for all his right shoes another military medicine tale you suffer at zero three zero zero guy shows up with a shriveled and black dong I asked him what happened turns out he contracted gonorrhea from a wretch down town and was too ashamed to go to how VD clinic for treatment wrapped a rubber band several times around the base of his dong to stop the discharge end result was a trip back to the US and a lot of surgery I got a lot of these stories 22 years in military medicine this is not my story nor do I know how true it is but I don't see why it would be a lie my high school biology teacher has a best friend who isn't a physician the doctor told my teacher s story who then passed it on to us about a drunk and belligerent college kid who came in unconscious he woke up to a catheter in him and walked into the hallway urine bag in hand demanding the doctor take it out after the doctor refused he got angry and decided to throw the bag at the doctor who promptly stepped out of the way you can imagine what happened next I work in a hospital I have had to remove bottles of ethanol-based hand sanitizer from the rooms of patients who have alcohol addictions they actually try drinking the stuff yuck yep this is practically what killed my sister my own dumb bass case here in summer of 2014 me and my friends were freaking around with a blue gun we gladly used rolled-up papers as ammo a friend of mine decided to aim at me and blow as he blowed I turned my head away and suddenly I heard a bang followed by the loudest ringing sound the paper penetrated right through my eardrum while I turned what are the odds after I went to the doctor's he told me he hasn't experienced something like this dumb ever ringing sound went away after six weeks as a man who suffers from tinnitus I can say you got off lucky patient here was chopping wood wearing flip-flops at the cottage was 90 minutes from the hospital and axed myself in the foot luckily I missed all the important bits and just needed 20-something stitches Emma doc tells me they have a word for people like me see shirt an idiot from the city I was not offended in residency my so sore patient with severe lacerations to the vagina come to find out she and her old man were having a rather passionate time at being a good man he wanted to spice it up looking about he didn't see what he wanted so he ran to the kitchen grabbed ah I am NOT making this up star cookie cutter put it on his manhood and ran back and sliced her pee into ribbons how many vodka jazz must suffer before our government puts a warning label on star cookie cutters what the frig I worked as a scribe in the IDI had a blacklisted patient come in looking for pain meds computer records say her last visit was maybe six months prior during the exam she told us it was her first time at this hospital sir my physician says so you're saying you were never here back in March 2016 what about December 2015 no do you have a identical twin who may be using your name because that's the only way I believe you were never here oh this is very serious then I think we have a case of identity theft going on hold on just a moment and I can contact PD for you the patient quickly remembered her previous visits and eloped shortly after that conversation I worked and volunteered as a firefighter EMT this damn bus got into a fight with his girl while driving along so she pulls over and kicks him out of the car she drives off and he starts walking a short while later she after picking up for her mother drives back by in this dumb bus to sides he is going to kick the car the moving car the car going 50 miles an hour the only thing holding his foot on below the ankle was a thin bit of skin and muscles his heel was touching the back of his leg he got to enjoy a lot of morphine during his helicopter flight to the trauma center I worked as a nine one one call taker for awhile I get a call from a woman who said her friend's son sent her a picture of her 19 you kid with a snakebite she's not there with him but is on the way I get his number and call him hi I'm monster mayhem from emergency services I got a call that you were bitten by a snake what happened dude was bitten on the hand by a rattlesnake the day before not unusual rattlesnakes are common in this neck of the woods and people like to pick them up for some reason I start getting an ambulance rolling his way and asked about his condition his hand is black bull and swollen as Frick it hurts but he hasn't really done anything about it he's at home watching TV scene safety is drilled into us from the get-go even though it's been 24 hours since the bite I asked if he knows where the snake is in her tank of course silly me who doesn't have a freaking pet venomous snake before I could get farther into that line of questioning the ambulance pulls up so I'll SM deal with it I monitor the call for the next few hours super unusual to have a call like that go on for so long usually they pick him up and take him to the hospital not long after the bus gets there police are called out apparently this dumb boss was trying to commit suicide by snake bite I say dumb boss because it can kill you and it's going to hurt the entire time you're dying I don't know what happened to the snake I think Animal Control politely refused the call and they had to get a specialist to deal with it I work at an animal hospital one of the techs told me a lady called in one day and was frantic because her dog ate some capsule that was on the ground outside she then told our tech that there was another capsule on the ground so the lady herself decided to ingest it to feel what her dog felt apparently avocado hand is a thing for the unaware avocado hand is a colloquial name for a mechanism of injury where someone holds one half of an avocado in one hand and tries to remove the stone with a knife they slip and stab themselves in the hand woman couldn't afford an IUD but wanted to have a similar type of birth control so she figured if she used superglue it would do the trick but so she came in with severe burning to her cervix yep super glued cervix yep not a doctor nine-one-one operator and EMT I had someone call one night because their girlfriend burned herself with a pot of hot water he told me it happened about 20 minutes prior to him calling and in the meantime he had slathered on butter to cool her wound quite shocked at that I said oh no so we do not put butter on burns and Lee was like wait is that bad growing up we always held a frozen stick of butter on burns at some point it's changed to dunking it in a bowl of ice water but I never quite knew what the logic for butter was it's not a specific event but it is the people that come into emergency along the lines of this I've been having chest pain for three months and decided to come in today because I was driving by or I have a doctor's appointment at 4:00 p.m. but I have some free time now we told this person that we're refusing to see them and that they can't wait until their appointment not only are they wasting our time and money the emergency doc but the family doctor now has a no-show for an hour slot bTW this is in Canada so usually no charges to the patient or no shows and being seen in emergency a thirtysomething year-old lady came in with vaginal bleeding nothing else noteworthy going on no abdominal pain no stinging when she peed no abnormal discharge no fevers and the bleeding wasn't particularly heavy her last period was four weeks earlier and she had regular for weekly periods surprise surprise period I was the patient I was cooking latkes potato pancakes drunk at 2:00 a.m. latkes are cooked in a heavy bottomed skillet full of oil I forgot about this and decided to do the pan flip thing dousing my entire arm and getting burnt really badly doctor asked me if there were at least good latkes I was on a clinical rotation in school and someone took something like 11 Venable trying to get high poor thing got her stomach pumped and ended up on a psych hold restrained to her bed because she was too loopy to communicate and family and staff assumed a suicide attempt because she hadn't had any substance abuse in her past to their knowledge a guy came in today with a perforated colon he claimed it was from an ice cube he inserted while in the shower I'm a medic responded to a call for an eye problem grandma had put too much eyeliner on 1 year old granddaughter and her eyelashes stuck together some girl rear-ended a stationary garbage truck at around 45 miles per hour and stated he came out of nowhere just like 40 year old virgin her phone was on the floorboard in front of her 10 year old kid brought Carolina's ghost peppers into school gave them to three friends him and his friends ended up in the nurse's office nurse freaked out in cold Em's the kid who brought them and said it was his friend's fault for eating them he also told me he has fed them to his cat before some dude called 911 pepper sprayed trying to stab someone H overdose of this guy his mum and his buddy all together in the car cool family bonding time guy punched a window broke his hand elbowed the window for breaking his hand possibly fractured his elbow doctors overdid what was your dumbest our I am very smart patient experience RM here I see some crazy stuff but one thing that stands out was the time I was admitting a guide to the hospital I can't really remember what foot but he was about 400 pounds diabetic heart disease you name it anyhow I'm at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his ten family members who are crowded in the room with him a few minutes and he starts complaining that he's thirsty he needs something to drink right now so I get on my phone and call the nurse assistant and his head to bring in some ice water as soon as the words are out of my mouth the whole family screams in ooo oh no water he's allergic to water well this is gonna be a problem turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but sprite and sweet tea for years because of his water allergy the next question the wife had was where are we all supposed to sleep the whole family ten people were planning to stay at he hospital with him was working at a clinic I was speaking with an on control diabetic patient about her sugar intake and she said she drinks a 32 ounce soda every day I asked her if it's regular or diet and she replies with its half regular I let the ice melt first so there isn't as much sugar in it sorry but that isn't how it works I have had several arguments with diabetics about Coke kool-aid sweet tea versus those made with artificial sugar I tell them look don't drink sugar if you have to have something like that use an artificial sweetener no way that stuff is poison it will kill me mom your a1c is 14 sugar is already killing you I had a patient who was a completely non-compliant diabetic smoker morbidly obese who had his first heart attack at 45 his blood pressure was also super high and instead of taking his anti hypertensive medications he went to the gym in the gym he would sit in the sauna for a very long time and sweat a lot and lower his blood pressure by becoming dehydrated I have one I got this from my friend who is a doctor on the children's ward in a rural hospital these parents bring in their child whose air infested with lice the lice was visible to the naked eye and could be seen crawling on the child's clothing while the medical staff examined the child in order to determine a course of action they discovered the child was covered in a white powder and smelled heavily of chemicals they asked the parents want whether substances in the smells emanating from the child the parent said quite matter of fact it was Savino Durand flea and tick spray they used on their dogs on the family's farm needless to say social workers were notified about this case had a neighbor in rural TN who was convinced that the best way to treat her child's head lice was to cone diesel fuel through it and that doing it in an enclosed living room while smoking cigarettes was acceptable she was baffled when CPS took her kid away 7tu female tripped and fell two days ago she came it with hip pain but reports after the fall her nose was bleeding she had landed on her nose about a year prior her dentist had messes up an infraorbital nerve block and caused some swelling in that region but that all was resolved this old lady is now convinced her nose bleed after falling on her face is related to an infection from the dental issue a year ago after multiple back and forth on the etiology of the nosebleed she became the first patient I raised my voice and put down an authoritative no you are wrong just stop it this has got to be the medical equivalent to the update you installed on the computer a year ago is making it run funny get over here and fix it I work for an optometrist and it was the month before school started and a woman brought in her son to have his eyes checked for the first time seems like a pretty reasonable thing for any parent even if he was a little older than usual for a first time exam better late than never I guess the mom was well-spoken and appeared fairly intelligent everything went as normal the doctor examined the boy and ended up prescribing glasses when the doctor was explaining to the mom that her son had to wear his glasses all the time since he's nearsighted and basically can't see clearly past five feet in front of him and will definitely need glasses for school for some reason this caused a switch to flip in the mom and she's passed out on the doctor saying that her son doesn't need glasses and the doctor is only saying that he does because he wants to sell glasses she says that she only brought her son in because there was some form for school that needed to be filled out and that doctors are all a con artists trying to push unnecessary medications and interventions the doctor tried to calm her down and explained that he's only trying to help them but that she was free to get a second opinion and gave her a copy of the kids prescription and sent them on their way about four months later the lady is back asking for another copy of her son's prescription apparently the first semester midterm results were in and her son failed them all because he couldn't see the board in his classes and needs glasses not a doctor but I'm a nurse who worked in the orator trauma center was doing surgery on a 19 year old who tested positive for em and see who was grilling the anesthesiologist about every drug we were going to use in surgery because he doesn't like putting chemicals in his body gotta stick with that organic Fairtrade non GMO coke most of my own stories go along similar lines to patient as chest pain driving a coach load of schoolchildren thinks it's indigestion swigs bottle of gaviscon later diagnosed with a huge heart attack my favorite ever story from a colleague a patient comes into A&E with abdominal pain as part of the workup he gets an abdominal x-ray which shows the problem as clear as day the colleague has then proceeded to remove from the patient's rectum an 8-inch replica of Nelson's column the statue in the centre of Trafalgar Square London on showing it to the patient the response was oh that's Nelson he lives up there I've got two stories that stick out in my mind the first is the mother of a toddler who came into emmerich the kid had cruddy green bloody stuff coming out of his left nostril and a lot of redness and swelling of only the left side of his nose and the adjacent cheek mum was sure he caught a sinus infection and just wanted some antibiotics now I know some kids like shoving whatever will fit into their body orifices and that this was more than likely given the one-sided nature of his condition but mum was insistent that he never puts things in his nose it took some convincing but I finally got her to let me take a look gave a squirt of midazolam in the good nostril to settle him then dug with some tweezers through the crud until I pulled out a big ol a button battery it would have been burning his nose for a couple days hopefully he healed up well sight note if a kid swallows a button battery it can do a similar thing to their esophagus this is an emergency and needs to be dealt with ASAP patient had a hard time getting pregnant finally conceived but miscarried patient has a DMC so she can try again this time with medical intervention we monitor her blood to ensure the pregnancy hormone is gone before beginning treatment but she keeps coming back with higher levels of hormone Doc's are worried because she might have some retained placenta or pituitary disorder and this could be super bad for future fertility we call her in for a conversation about the hormone levels not going away after talking together about what might be wrong they are going to go home and think about further tests he said I need to go I have an appointment at the weight loss center for an HCG shot turns out that she is on the HCG diet HCG is the pregnancy hormone and this was after an hour of the docs saying we don't know why you have these constant higher levels of HCG in your blood and we are worried patient enquiring about birth control was adamant she wanted an ID I mean she probably wouldn't get pregnant after that had a young woman with recurring Ute is that began after a recent partner and with no STDs went through the standard questions trying to figure out what could be causing them and eventually found out she had been lubricating with jelly not KY jelly the mix-up had literally been a joke on house it took me some effort to keep a straight face but we eventually resolved the problem and she stopped getting you teased Oh Lord I'm British so didn't think Jam straightaway and was just imagining someone trying to get jell-o type jelly to stick to their bits oh I have two good ones that come to mind clinical pharmacist here bTW with one story in the year and one in the pharmacy one a physician told me this one sixteen-year-old boy presented to the ER with an extremely swollen discolored penis apparently he has been using his mom's insulin needles to draw blood out of his arm and inject it into his own penis he thought that adding blood would help increase his size his penis was terribly infected and he was hospitalized for a week or so - one day in the pharmacy a girl comes to the counter requesting a refill for her birth control we pulled up her profile and realized we couldn't refill it because she just got a 28-day fill less than two weeks ago when we asked what happened to the other one she said she was out apparently both her and her boyfriend were each taking a pill each into his adamant that was how they needed to prevent pregnancy , apparently he has been using his mom's insulin needles to draw blood out of his arm and inject it into his own penis his penis was terribly infected and he was hospitalized for a week or so Frick that is just gruesome I work in the air we had a very pregnant patient come in needing stitches in her vagina turns out she was a realtor and didn't want her water to break while she was sharing a house so she put a glass cup in her pants to catch the water instead of using a pad or an adult diaper she went for a glass cup she sat down while sharing a house and sure enough it broke and cut her up pretty bad between the guy putting arm blood into his penis and now this I don't think I'm gonna see my genitals again for a couple of days fine macalmon not a doctor but I once had a patient tell me that there was no credible research that smoking was bad for one's health okay 80 plus y Oh patient who was declining with multiple diagnoses and about three decubitus ulcers daughter was adamant that her father be kept on his strict Paleo diet because I would supercharge his healing she had a stack of dark books he simply wasn't getting enough nutrition to heal the ulcers he didn't like the dart at all bTW at some point you kind of have to stop being polite and just tell patients family members bluntly that you don't have for this crap and what you recommend and they can do what they want and just document everything it happens a lot but she sticks out I am a dental student one patient in particular is pathological liar during one visit they claimed to have gone to medical school next visit was that they did dental army last visit was that they had a PhD the patient will say things like hey Doc do you need me to move my head mesial distal number I need you to move your head right hey doc are these cavities being caused by the anaerobic pathology microbes number they are caused by you eating snacks all day and not brushing the patient was admitted for anemia and a localized cancer was found she was referred to surgery so she can get cured from her localized cancer and she started telling everyone that it was the doctors who caused the cancer and that she was doing just fine before coming to the hospital she lectured the surgeon and my colleague who pleaded her to get her surgery so that the cancer doesn't advance and yet she refused saying she knew better and probably didn't even have cancer some people this kind of reminds me of my brother he told me that when he was younger five or six years old he thought that when a doctor diagnosed me with a disease it means that they actually gave you that disease the only difference is he quickly realized this wasn't the case and didn't become a fricking idiot like this lady nurse here the number of American twenty-something males who don't know what circumcision is is ridiculously high but they think that boys are born circumsized evidence new fathers and mothers asking me what's wrong with their newborn son's penis um he still has his foreskin many parents choose to have it removed when the baby is a couple days old it's called circumcision often followed by a parent's question what circumcision that's when I facepalm dead serious we talked about circumcision in my grade six health class butts on any pictures I Amand had absolutely no idea until I was in high school I knew what it was but had nothing to compare it to this was pre Google was working at a pediatric Urgent Care family brings in their three-year-old unvaccinated son with autism for a weird rash they couldn't give me any reason why when I asked them about his vaccination status said it before I'll say it again had a patient insist I didn't have a heart attack I had a myocardial infarction that's just a technical term for a heart attack genius patient had an anoxic brain injury from drug overdose she was 23 her father demanded a brain matter transplant and oxygen directly put into her brain to fix it but then he decided they would trash and peg her send her to a nursing home and wait for a cure because we didn't know what we were doing I was a unit secretary and nurse aide on a radiation oncology unit in the early 2000s we had a patient show up through the year and was admitted for emergency radiation treatment she had a massive fungating mass in her mouth that had consumed half her head when the raid on doc tried to examine her and open her mouth her remaining teeth fell out into his hand it had eaten through the bones of her face invaded her eye socket everything doc said it was the worst case of mouth cancer he'd seen according to her husband she had a small lesion on her hard palate and upon receiving the diagnosis of an early stage squamous cell carcinoma she decided to treat with essential oils and things like frankincense because chemo was poison her husband said he had tried to reason with her but she was adamant about the natural treatment she died in agony shortly after you know I usually adamantly refuse to allow my happiness to be disrupted by stuff on the internet but if stuff like this that makes me feel justified in allowing myself to be triggered when I see someone I know on Facebook posting horrible misinformation from somewhere like natural news Warren here not a physician but you may find this interesting young adult male presents with multiple abscesses on various parts of his body states he injected his boyfriend's semen into himself trying to get pregnant he tells one of the APCs he should have gone with his original plan and tried on his dog's first sight clears him he's admitted to the floor gets IV antibiotics what I've seen enough father II did today you have been spotted by the rare flying flu feh if you comment good boy below he don't steal your hotdogs anymore if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people

Channel: On Tap Studios

Views: 370,094

Rating: 4.7631721 out of 5

Keywords: #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap

Id: m9zPH6EJNYs

Length: 62min 35sec (3755 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 17 2020