1 Hour Of Reddit's Very Best Police Stories! [Compilation] (r/AskReddit)

police officers offered it what was your they could have gotten away with it if they had kept their mouth shut moment I had a car passed me once passenger hangs the upper half of his body out of the passenger side window with his middle finger in the air while screaming freak the police he had my attention for the seatbelt violation I got behind the car and ran the registration registration is suspended registered owners driver's license is attached to the registration and his license is suspended registered owner also has two warrants for retail theft I stopped the car and they both started with a free-speech thing and how I can stop them for giving me the finger or swearing which is 100% correct when I pointed out that I can however stop them for the passenger not wearing a seatbelt and for the registration violation suddenly they got quiet driver got arrested for suspended license and his warrants and the passenger got himself a citation the drivers vehicle got impounded moral of the story tell your passengers to shut their mouths had that guy not being a [ __ ] his buddy would have been homeward bound law like the Chris Rock video how to not get your ass kicked by the police I was asked to help keep peace while two probation officers searched a guy's house before everyone gets upset in most jurisdictions you have to submit to a search of your person and your home if you're on probation during the search a pl lifted the probationers mattress and said monotonous ly Wow the probationer got upset and said yeah it's freaking method a gun arrest me I don't give a frak turns out the PIO found a huge dildo bit after the guy opened his mouth the pl lifted the mattress morons found a bunch of individually wrapped grams of meth and a Glock 17 the PIO said that seeing the dildo was enough for him to ignore the mattress but because the guy said something he kept looking that's guys attitude and his need to open his mouth got him 10 years in prison LPT how to hide your stuff okay so we had a DUI accident where a guy kept driving straight into the woods into a tree because his gps was predicting a future street he walked back to his hotel room and left his check-in papers in the car so we go to the hotel and go to his room and knock on the door he did not have to answer but he did he was pretty clearly drunk I asked him if he had anything to drink since the accident he did not have to answer all he could have told us that he drank after the accident he said now I haven't had anything to drink since the accident and where I'm from you have 24 hours to report a property damage only accident so it wasn't even hit-and-run so as I'm locking the guy up he tells me he's a lawyer I told him I hope you are not a defense attorney but in his defense he was drunk Michael there's no road here currently watching live PD and the guide told the officer I have caffeine pills in my back pocket gets them out puts them on the hood everyone's chill dudeee then comes clean and says it's Molly and the officers look at each other and go do we even have a test kit for that other officer says no dudes face just shows he should've kept his mouth shut no a police officer but I do know of this house in my local village that was a notorious drug den the police came to search the place but couldn't find anything as they were leaving the lovely owner yelled at them that they should have brought the drug dogs so yeah they came back a few days later with the drug sniffing dogs and found huge amounts of drugs hidden away absolute morons this one made me laugh not a cop but pretty applicable to the thread when I was in high school I like to park in parking spots that cars had parked poorly next to just as a freak you one time I was at a high-school football game and a Jeep had parked like crap he was nearly halfway into the spot next to him and parked at an angle I was driving a 98 feet Chevy Silverado big old pickup truck at the time and I had my brother help guide me into the spot so I was perfectly in the lines that made it so the driver door was completely impossible to get in I took a picture for the novelty of it and went on my way when I got back to my car the Jeep was gone and every panel on the passenger side of my car was keyed there was an officer nearby so I told him about it and showed him the picture he told me there's not a lot they could do because there were no Nessa's but he'd give it a shot he looked up their license plate called them and asked them if they had done it they confessed and ended up having to pay one thousand six hundred dollars in restitution along with getting a felony sole bro yo used to drive an old-ass Scottsdale custom deluxe and loved messing with crappy parking people a cousin of a friend of mine travels around the state to take in deadbeat dads gets to one place a four-year-old kid is home dad isn't so the cop starts talking to the kid making sure he is okay and such after a bit of this kid says to cop want to see my dad Secret Garden takes him to a closet with a false back opens it up to see a small pot farm guy gets home to a few cop cars and a few charges good reason to not leave a four-year-old home alone I guess pullover this guy for expired tabs asked for his it and he's feeling around for his wallet can't find it he says oh man I'm one of you it's cool Oh what department Oh actually I'm a security guard but same thing I'm polite so where's your aide oh it's in the and emotions to the trunk it's in the trunk actually no my BS radar is going off okay one to get you it out of the trunk nah I don't have it he starts looking around for another story to use but now I know I'm supposed to stay out of the trunk he's also not giving me any more information know it then I have to take you in and get you fingerprinted I'm going to get into that trunk one way or another he's looking like he's lost I asked him what's in the trunk but he's not talking anymore we pull him out and get him in cuffs another officer takes him to get it through fingerprints since his car has expired past six months California we tow the car in the process of getting ready to tow the car we need to take a quick inventory in the trunk was a police uniform with fake patches and a metal badge no gun but a duty belt he also has stacks of child pee this is a guy who a neighboring City had been looking for months his Mo was to dress as a police officer talk to kids and you can the rest if he just gave me his name I could have looked up his it and verified he had one I'd probably have let him go but honestly I'm really happy about this one good on you man my mom once managed to talk her way into a lesser find for a traffic offense but wasn't satisfied with that so managed to sass her way right back into the full fine sigh done bad Kota know when to hold enfold and sometimes you learn that lesson the hard way I've had countless times where dudes give consents to search their more the vehicle and they end up having drugs it baffles me why you would let me search if you don't have to knowing there's some dang heroin in your column ayo I'm a nice guy and I enjoy a chat you'd be surprised how much this lowers someone's guard stood in full uniform people will just start telling you things that could get them in trouble multiple times I had to tell people to shut up it was usually petty things like where they hid their weed stash that they'd got a bitter in their pocket for later not really worth the time and effort to deal with with house keys we were one time a guy really got himself in trouble by effectively telling me he had stolen property on him I had to act on that one he wouldn't have gotten away with it build a patron of the bar that my sister worked at many years ago was stopped by the troopers while driving along next to the highway in the ditch his explanation officer I'm Way too drunk to be on the road I said it was profiling turns out they were arresting everyone driving on the sidewalk that particular night Ron white I was a cop on an Air Force Base in Alaska three guys robbed our class six store liquor and we responded to the store but got caught in traffic at a light on the way so we were sitting there with lights and sirens on trying to get people to move out of the way when the back door to the car a head office opens and a guy gets out and goes spread-eagle against his trunk confused we get out to see what was up and realized that these were the robbers hey chief we got en wad have a buddy that is a cop nothing too crazy but he's had countless moments where he's tried to give people a break or all they had to do was sit down and be quiet but they end up talking themselves into jail recently had a duty pulled over that was a bit over the limit but not too much so he was gonna let a friend pick him up instead of arresting him a guy got to talking and basically reveal driving under the influence was something he did fairly regularly a single mistake is one thing but my buddy decided the best chance at getting him to stop would be learning this lesson the hard way I had a roommate in college that was no friend of mine he got in a fight at a bar and was kicked out he tried to go back into the bar and got thrown out again but a cop happened to be driving by the second time cop told him to relax so he was going to be arrested he told the cop to arrest him cop handcuffs him and puts him in the back of the cop car roommate then started banging on the window cop then recover his hands behind his back roommates stupidity carried on for the next couple months he was supposed to go to court over the whole thing but didn't show up police showed up at his job cuffed him and brought him to court judge told him he would have just received a slap on the wrist but he now had to send him to jail for a couple days he was scheduled to report to jail a week or two later and he didn't show up for that either by this time he disappeared I never saw the guy again not a cop but a witness during college my friends and I would hang out outside and smoke hooker frequently we would invite strangers who pass by to join or campus police would casually chat with us as they made their rounds so one time a group of freshmen walked past and asked to join after about 15 minutes the campus police car rolls up and the freshmen get visibly nervous we tell them calm down the cops are chill as soon as the cop gets out of the car one freshman bolts and makes it about 20 feet before the cop tackles him we all clap and heckle a kid upon searching him the cop finds a bunch of weed then he says you realize prior to running I had no reason to be suspicious I just wanted to talk to my friends over there and points at us the cop ends up writing a ticket and sends him off law enforcers of Reddit have you ever come across a crime so stupid or ridiculous that you just let it slip when I was about 17 some friends and I got involved in a scavenger hunt it was a tie so the tiebreaker was bring back two coolest thing you can find we didn't get anything special with the other group they went to a dollar store type place that had a coin operated horse in front of it it was about 1 a.m. no other cars in the lot besides an 86 Nova driven by my friend they start to dismantle this horse eventually getting it apart put it J in the back of the Nova with the head sticking out the window and drive off they get about 15 feet before the two cops that were watching them the entire time pull up they ended up having to put this horse back together then made everyone ride it to make sure it still worked my good friend was scared and crying riding a mechanical horse after I heard this story I knew the cops probably thought it was the funniest thing they had seen in a long time not the u.s. to clarify for everyone asking this was in South Africa in the early 90s when I was in high school the rugby team found out I had learned how to drive but not yet received my license they all knew I did not drink so one of them had the genius idea of inviting me to parties as a designated driver we lost a popular kid to a drunken accident a few months earlier so it was actually a good idea it was a great arrangement lots of parties lots of girls and all I had to do was get em home in one piece afterwards it went great for a few weeks until one night the police had heard there was a big party on a farm outside of town and decided to set up a roadblock so I come driving up to the flashing lights car filled with five big drunk guys including one passed out with his head out the window and little scrawny me barely able to look over the steering wheel and the inside of the car smells like a brewery the officer takes one look at the car asks me to step out have you been drinking up no officer I don't drink has me take a breathalyzer zero looks at me can I see your driver's a sorry officer I don't have one yet I'm getting it next week and I point back towards the car but they have theirs he looked at me flipped his little book closed and said just take them home next time I see you you'd better have your license in the u.s. we have a huge dd support movement you would have probably gotten a medal or something where I'm from plus I live in a really rural area where yet underage driving is kind of normal as long as you have a good reason I overheard this one last night as I was sitting near two indiana cops at Panda Express comma sir this lady had a warrant for an unpaid ticket and missed court date I bring her in and it turns out that her address is wrong and she never got the court summons the original ticket was for possession of the black bass under 14 inches and since she had missed the court summons it was now on her record so if she goes to apply for a job and they inevitably ask her do you have any criminal history she's obligated to say yes now imagine if the employer asks why I caught a small fish my ex-fiance was a cop for a redneck town where the people didn't have much money he was cooled to the grocery store where a little girl about nine was being detained in the manager's office for stealing a box of tampons he said she had tears and snot everywhere and her pants had obvious bloodstains all over the front but my ex then bought the box she was trying to steal along with three more boxes some food and milk he then drove her home to a trailer that was falling apart it wasn't so much the crime that was ridiculous but more the managers reaction I guess when my ex came in the manager was just screaming at this terrified nine-year-old I've been laughing at some of the other comments this one made me really sad I frequently ordered when I was in uniform let'em bed care or control slide if I found someone sleeping in the backseat of their parked car after drinking it's demonstrated to me a decision to not drink and drive I'd often take keys or drive someone home but arresting them just seemed wrong I was the lucky one once not charged by a cop in college my friend had a massive house party I woke up the next morning facedown in a puddle of drool in the bed of my truck went inside and and found out the cops had busted the party and everyone got underaged tickets over 30 people except for me not sure if that took pity on me or never saw me but they had my truck boxed in with squad cars the lines on my face from the ribs of my bed liner took two days to hoe away they never saw you when a cop sees a college-age kid totally passed out and not very responsive due to alcohol you wake up in the hospital not a police officer but I witnessed it happen I got a phone call from a police officer using my buddy's phone apparently my buddy a jackass got so drunk he fell out of his car in the drive-thru line at Taco Cabana the cop told me I had 15 minutes to get there and pick up my friend I made it in time and the officer helped me throw my friend the bed of my truck he told me to take my friend home and when he woke up tell him he was a frickin idiot the police officer was a homicide detective in the major city in which we lived and he said he had real crimes to solve and to stop wasting his time I want to believe you guys literally threw him into the truck bed a long long time ago in a life far removed from my own I had a nasty heroin addiction I cleaned up my life and had been clean for three years my friend had been learning to become a tattoo artist and asked me if I wanted one to repay his kindness I picked up a 30-pack and some tequila after about three hours of him digging in with the gun and most of the beers and booze God we came up with the plan we were going to go to the city and score some dope didn't take long and we accomplished just that we found a nice quite dimly lot parking lot to pull in and get to get high we break out the gear and started he got his ready faster and got it done I was out of practice and fumbled around for a bit just then someone knocked on the window it's the cops we roll down the window and they asked if we knew where we were before we can say anything the cop said this is a freaking police station parking lot are you freaking [ __ ] they took the dopant centers on our way I now have 13 years clean thanks to that cop that story was great in more ways than one thanks for sharing there was this guy where I used to live who would walk around smiling strangely and approach people trying to shake their hands as soon as he got to hold of their hand he would try to kiss them a friend of mine naively accepted his handshake and literally bent over backward trying to avoid the kiss a couple of churches in the area had this thing at the end of their services where everyone would shake hand so this guy would show up to reap the harvest the cops were called on him a few times but to my knowledge they never arrested him but just drove him far away from the area and dropped him off and made him walk all the way back reap the harvest very compelling image of the dude drooling over the thought of so many hands to kiss hold a guy over last night whose license expired not suspended or revoked or denied just expired dumbfounded me how do you go five years with or expired license told him to get it renewed the thoughtless lapse wasn't worth a trip to see the judge and the fines sent him on his way comma the thoughtless lapse wasn't worth a trip to see the judge and the fines sent him on his way that's how he got away with it for five years prosecutor here I came across one such domestic violence case during intake the facts husband and wife arguing husband grabs wife's keys and throws them in the yard a husband is charged by beat cop with criminal tampering and technically husband was guilty under the law I've never written a faster motion to dismiss my grandpa was a police officer in Houston in the 60s and 70s he told me of this time where a lady called to report some dynamite she found in her own garage when he arrived on the scene he realized that said dynamite was actually a candle so being real careful he took a lighter from his pocket and littered to prove it wasn't dangerous the lady who called bolted from the house running from a lit candle I was actually observing the following exchange in court once a lady received a ticket for a seat cushion violation so in my state FL if you are unusually short for whatever reason you get a restriction on your license that says you need a booster seat to drive makes logical sense here's how the exchange went so miss whatever you are here for a seat cushion violation wait is that even a thing length the exchange with the state attorney followed they put white noise and so we couldn't hear it that the judge was laughing her ass off the whole time well okay that's a new one how tall are you five feet to your honor so you're not that short really do you have a restriction on your license no your honor the officer said I look really short indeed in it wait what case dismissed that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard my British spelling is apparently blowing people's minds I've lived in Florida for 14 years but was born in England I still spell the English way is all I live in Florida and my wife is 5 feet 1 inches I'm sharing that with her as a young patrolman in the Air Force security police got a call to an office referencing possible sabotage or theft of classified material I remember thinking how this could a huge case I was thinking ahead about all the questions to ask and who would have to get called in I get to the office get all the basic identifying information from the complainant victim I asked her what made her think there was sabotage going on and she told me that the last couple days she's been coming at her work and bait on her 2.5 inches disks yes I'm old enough for those has been erased so I asked where she stores her disk she turns to her white board and crap you not pulls her disk out from under a magnet I actually stood there blank faced an oar as this woman who developed complex systems for the military held this disc out to me all I could say was mom do you know what happens to a magnetic storage device when you expose it to a magnetic field generated by say a magnet welcome to my life welcome to technical support this is typical customer behavior and then they expect you to fix it disk I was working the metal detector at our Court I tell people to remove anything metal from their pockets and place it on the table before walking through this one guy pulls out his plastic bag of weed and lays it out in front of me I did a triple take to make sure it was what I thought it was I told him that marijuana is not metallic and natty should keep that in his pocket next time since he already has some legal issue pending in court I decided not to pile anything else on him i confiscated the bag and signed it into evidence to be destroyed no charges I see the guy around all the time now bringing weed to court is just so metal it would probably set off the metal detector anyways my grandfather was pulled over by the bay police for breaking the speed limit on a waverunner without a license the cop said he had never seen anyone so old speeding before and let him go I like his logic we need to see weirder groups of people do illegal stuff so at least there would be at least one record of it in history a couple of friends and I were driving down the highway to a friend's house we took two cars because of the amount of people a girl in my car has the good idea to move the other car or people she rolls down the window and just sticks her whole bomb out we would later find out her vulva was in full view as well this is going on for about a minute until we suddenly realize there is an officer right behind us tailgating he has clearly seen what is going on and everyone in the car is flipping out until we realize he is laughing move the car over Elaine and he Jets right past us pretty hard for a chick to show her ass without showing her bag - if it's a proper moon anyway my good friend is a police officer in a really bad section of North Philly and he and his partner once got called to a house by a man because the prostitute he hired bit him and then wouldn't leave they ended up driving her home but didn't arrest either of them that sounds like the start of a zombie movie I was a cop for about seven years and toward the last few years of that time I found myself searching for more and more reasons not to take people to jail I had drunks park their cars and give them rides teenagers smoking weed throw it out and be on their way and realize that arresting people wasn't always the best solution to their mistake but not everyone that can go to jail should to go to jail one night I drove through a dark parking lot and noticed a lone vehicle parked in the back and a small light inside I assumed it would be teenagers doing their thing or someone smoking I approached the car on foot and didn't use my flashlight until I was right up on the car I turn on my light and see a guy naked alone in the front seat of his car fapping I tell him I'm the police and he rolls down the window I ask what he is doing and he says I'm jerking off I shined my light into the backseat and saw he had a car full of groceries asked him about the groceries he said my wife gets pee when I jerk off at home so I came out here to do it do you mind um found it I really don't know what to say instead reminding him that I could arrest him for public indecency he laughs and tells me to go ahead taking a step back I thought about his situation the dude just wanted to rub one out in peace so I told him to hurry it up and be on his way he thanked me and rolled up the window turning around I yell back at him why do you have to be completely naked he responds if I'm gonna do this I'm gonna freakin do it right I laughed and walked away I hope that man had a good fab had to prosecute a case where two teens boy and girl stole a pregnancy test and a box of condoms from a drug store recommended dismissing the case on some community service told the judge I was doing so because it was a case of the two youngsters trying to close the barn door after the horse had already left also recommended that the community service be done in a latex free environment because the condoms were lambskin judge fought an amazing struggle not to laugh he lost those who work in law enforcement how often do people try to turn themselves in for something that isn't a crime and what's the most memorable one so when I was like eight I stole a pebble from a fish tank you know those multicolored tiny gravel chunks I stole a bright orange one I reached right in the fish tank grabbed the tiniest one I could find like one stroke tenth the size of a penny and put it up my nose I got all the way out of the pet store before I just started bawling my mom asks me what's wrong I tell her I have to talk to a clerk we go back inside I pull a tiny orange pebble out of my nose and hand it to him or try to he doesn't exactly take it I confess I still it and ask to go to jail now yep that's my big crime I actually work in law enforcement there is only once that someone turned themselves in I was at the front desk when a little girl couldn't have been older than 8 walked in crying hysterically she was all scrapped up and dirt and some blood on her clothes all she said for the first few minutes was I didn't mean to I killed him I don't want to be behind bars she hit a squirrel while riding her bike she was dirty because she went over her bike and skidded on concrete and grass adults don't turn themselves in they get caught that's really morbidly adorable I was 11 or 12 visiting a local coffee shop that roasted their own beans with my parents during a bike ride down the Greenbelt near our home for some reason I just had to have a coffee bean that was drying on the roasting rack so I took it and stuck it in my pocket without anyone noticing I was wearing those tiny pocketed jean shorts that were also popular in the early 2000s and less I went to mount my bike the coffee bean fell out of my pocket and clattered to the ground my parents noticed and after a teary confession from me slack down a police officer nearby and had him explained to me why theft is wrong and almost put me in handcuffs to teach me a lesson after my parents were satisfied that I had learned from the experience and forced me to march right up to the counter and wait in line to return the single bean the cop leaned in close and whispered don't worry kid everyone makes mistakes even though your parents are uptight at least they care not everyone is so lucky ruffled my helmet hair and went on his way to this day I wish I could thank him for one of the most valuable life lessons ever even though I didn't fully understand till much later I was a boarding officer in the Coast Guard we were doing recreational boats boardings around Catalina Island mostly educational safety boardings but always looking for smugglers but stopped a small boat just to do a safety inspection and inform them of the small craft advisory I jumped on board first hint before I could say a word an eight-year-old boy thrusts his hands out at me for handcuffs and cries I'm sorry officer grandpa told me it was okay if I had one please don't hurt him his grandfather had let him drink one of his owed owls we told the kid it was our little secret you said you would keep IT a secret I work in dispatch one night two girls they were in their early 20s walked in saying they needed to go to jail they said that they got into a fight earlier and felt like they needed to be punished I was dumbfounded I keep asking these girls if they were serious they were so I call an officer down he talks to them and about ten minutes they are walking out in handcuffs I later talked to that same officer and he told me the girls were trying to smuggle weed to their girlfriends that were in jail freely but if it does happen it's usually a parent turning their kid in more often than not we have to deal with the crazies who want to press charges on someone for something that isn't a crime or trying to drop a felony charge on a person who tried to run them over with a car or something protip you can't just make a felony charge go away if you make a statement to the cops that someone tried to kill you they will arrest that person if they find them facts identity threw a frisbee through a 150 year old six feet wide decorative window I called the cops expecting to pay money or something they showed up and just said thank you for being honest they said they were really impressed with me but the truth is my name and phone number were on the disk this can't be much lamer than some of the other stories on here I used to work at a bottle store once a homeless person a regular came to me and offered to exchange his brand-new bike for a bottle of vodka clearly it wasn't his bike so I said yes thinking of taking the bike to the police so that someone could get their bike back after work I took it to the police station and explained the situation to the cop and she told me that she was going to charge me with receiving stolen property I spoke to her sergeant who told her she was a loser and he thanked me for helping I still find it entertaining that other countries call him bottle stores like they only sell bottles or something.idk it doesn't take much to amuse me someone I know who was 16 at a time set a bag of crap on fire and rang a doorbell the guy stomped it out you know how it goes I suppose the kid felt bad since it was an old man and turned himself in the cops have seen this kid that the local hangout spot in front of a convenience store so they told him to be at the store noon the next Saturday to pick up trash and cigarette butts in the parking lot when he was done they thanked him for being honest and said don't be an idiot you could burn someone's house down all because of a bag of crap he called the crap crap my manic-depressive friend once turned himself in to the police because he thought that he was ripping off social security keep in mind that he had been up for three days by that time anyways he did get thrown off of social security my manic-depressive friend an ex combat marine discovered a dope dealers house upon giving her a chair ride to her home he called the cops and asked where to stack the bodies because he was going to clean their mouths permanent just doing his civic duty don't you know he had to spend a few days in the nuthouse it wasn't a non crime but it was a memorable turnin for me I had an offender I work probation who had several outstanding misdemeanor warrants for B&E assault on female and larceny I was trying to convince him to come to the office so I could have the warrant served he refused and told me he knew he had warrants he said just give me to the 18th just give me a week I said no he needed to come in immediately he of course refused he was a pathological laughs for all the time I knew him heavy drug user lied about everything and anything excuse after excuse after excuse lo and behold on the 18th I get an alert on my computer that he had been booked at the tjo just like he said he would no one ever does that cop for 15 years never had anyone turned themselves in for something that's not a crime a much more common to have people jump up and down to the point of rabid frothing mouth anger wanting someone they know arrested for something that isn't a crime just to give an example before I am asked had a lady who wanted me to arrest her neighbors because every time she would go outside they would make fun of her to each other on their porch she said they were saying things that weren't true about her to each other and she demanded I arrest them for slander by work and immigration and usually during the holidays we will get illegals that turned themselves in for a free ride back to their country of birth suitcases and all I'm from a small town there was a homeless guy by choice who would steal stuff on cold nights just so he could spend the night in a warm jail cell in the end the police would just tell him to take the property back and let him sleep in the station this was back in the 50s and 60s Barney was a good cop my great-grandfather was an illegal immigrant he was an orphan in Britain say the moment he turned 16 he was discharged from the orphanage and enrolled in the Merchant Navy he was seasick the entire time and so jumped ship when it came had Sydney he hid out in Hyde Park until it left he got a job raised a family but his past sins weighed heavily on his mind when he was in his 70s he finally decided to do the right thing he packed his bag kissed his wife goodbye and turned himself to the police when he explained that all the police just asked are you going to do it again No then go home nobody cared it had weighed heavily on his mind for his entire life but nobody wanted to punish him for it someone once tried to turn themselves in because they though they'd have a warrant after a sexual harassment complaint at their work I don't think he grasped the concept of civil versus criminal law well maybe he thought he'd be arrested for sexual assault no idea what he did but it can go from civil - criminal pretty fast I worked in a public defender's office once had a client whose dad turned him in for smoking pot because he found a pipe in his room the kid insisted that he was clean in the police report bill the dad a cop wouldn't hear any of it because he insisted that he knew what marijuana smelled like we got the case dismissed after the pipe tested negative for all the legal substances a mom once had her kid come up to me while I was working security for a store and he told me to take him to jail for stealing apparently the boy had stolen a pack of trading cards or attempted to and the mom found out and convinced him he was going to jail when I was about five or six I was in Bed Bath and Beyond and found a Riverstone on the floor there were bags of em nearby and it had fallen out we got home and it fell out of my pocket in front of my mom she told me that we were going back to the store so that she could turn me in and the police were going to take me away and put me in jail being very young it scared the crap out of me I was crying hysterically for well over an hour I told her Clark through my increasingly panic sobs that I had taken the stone and instead of sending me to jail obviously he told me that it was okay and let me keep the stone on the way out my mom made me throw the stone into some bushes well she had to drill in the lesson that stealing was bad sometime best time is when you're an impressionable young kid letting you know you can't get in trouble for even the smallest things but then again I don't know your mom she could actually be bat-crap crazy when I was a rookie patrolman a teenager flagged my car down and confessed to accidentally running over a cat with his Mobe he put his hands on the hood of my car and asked how much time he would get for animal cruelty he was actually really shaken up I felt really bad for him I explained that as long as he didn't do it on purpose it wasn't a crime and gave him a ride home with the moped half hanging out of my trunk I also once had an elderly woman come in with her grandson and asked us to arrest him because he was committing sexual abuse when we asked her who he was abusing she answered himself she caught him jerking off and tried to get him arrested for it if masturbation was illegal his sight would get like three hits when I was like 6 years old I saw one of those Reese's crunchy cookie cups at the supermarket I know awesome right I asked my dad if he'll get me one because come on you can't just not try for the cookie Cup and he says no not today I persist but dad won't yield using my brain I decide to sneak one under my shirt and try to smuggle it all the way out to the car as we're leaving though my dad hears the wrapper rustling under my shirt yells at me and orders me to go bring it back to the cashier that was the scariest crap in the entire world I didn't just know I was going to jail I could see it it was right there must have been a pretty awkward time for that pubescent cashier guy trying to pretend like he gave a crap about whether I stole a Reese's car to help my dad teach me a lesson and goddamn did it work I couldn't steal something if I wanted to these days a little late to this party but here goes I've been a dispatcher for 10 years people rarely turn themselves in but they are always trying to get other people arrested for non crimes and they can be amazingly indignant and angry about these things one my neighbor's sprinkler is getting water on my grass to my pizza toppings are wrong 3 another driver took the spot I was waiting for at the gas pump for my six-year-old is not doing what he is told five the car in front of me is going five miles per hour slower than the speed limit and this person screaming so hysterically about it you could barely understand them and of course the classic six there's a black guy walking down the street in my neighborhood unable to explain what is suspicious about this person other than skin color et Cie et Cie etc people are whiny crybabies I'll tell my story of turning myself in that is pretty memorable and hilarious I was visiting my friend's cabin where her and her mother lived at the age of 20 it was deemed acceptable by her mother that we my friends and I drink alcohol my parents also have no problem with me drinking as long as I am in a safe environment so my friend and her mom were gone all day working and left us alone in the cabin the other person who drove up with me we'll call him cow and I proceeded to have beers throughout the day stopping by the lake and then watching TV my friend's mom gets home and she is in a huge panic she says she got to ride home from her co-workers boyfriend who was a state trooper and that they were coming inside for drinks and we needed to clean up now there were beer bottles pretty much everywhere from the weekend so cleaning up was a bust he walks in the door and we hide our biz under blankets he was being a real dog and asking us questions about how old we were if we had been drinking if he should believe us and if our friend's mom condoned it then he walked into another room in earshot and talked to my friend's mom he was telling her how he had to report it and that she could lose the house and guess in huge trouble for assisting the abuse of minors by providing them alcohol and blah blah blah we clean up and hide our beers and are completely panicked he eventually says he will hang out and see to it that we aren't drinking he proceeds to down a few beers over an hour or so and suddenly his radio goes off he needs to get somewhere now and can't drive because he drank so guess who he asks to drive that is right Cole and I I immediately say I don't feel comfortable enough to drive and I am going to bed soon bs excuses the officer is freaking out insisting that we drive and Carl decides he is sober enough only had about five beers and hadn't drank the past hour to drive to the fire well he didn't want to drive but the officer made it sound like innocent people were dying in a fire and he needed to get there immediately so Cole made an impulse decision we get in the car and the officer asks if we know anything about the UI laws we immediately start pleading and begging and apologizing saying we didn't want our friend's mom in trouble we pretty much thought Cole was getting a DUI in that I will get a drinking ticket and my friend's mom would be screwed then outcome everyone from the cabin laughing there at is often the cop starts laughing hard too and pulls out some beers and hands them to us we all step out and laugh about it and go on to enjoy a fun night of drinking with good guy cop police officers over did what are commonly jerk reactions when people notice you're there I once had a cop pulling right up beside me on a two-lane highway I didn't know if I should make eye contact and maybe give a head nod or if I should just keep my eyes laser focused straight ahead I opted for the latter and just kept my eyes on the road I was only doing the speed limit so I tried slowing down a few mph to let him go ahead he slowed down with me this is when it got weird it's a pretty dark rodent or lava sudden the blinding light of a thousand suns hits me from the side and I quite literally can't see a thing he turned on his spotlight and put it right into my face instinctively I yell what the frig as soon as I do the Blues go on and I pull over the cop runs to my window and screams what did you say to me what did you call me I explained that I was just saying what I said because I couldn't see due to his spotlight and I just got really freaked out he told me that was bulls and and kept asking me what I call him I stayed really calm and just kept repeating that I had no personal issue with him except the light potentially making me crash he made me sit there for about fifteen minutes while he sat in the cruiser came back and told me he was cutting me a break and not giving me a citation of course I wanted to remind him I broke no laws but kept my mouth shut clearly the guy had some issues and I just wanted to get the heck away from him stop resisting when I put on my uniform for the first time I gave myself a fright catching sight of a cop in the mirror putting on a seat belt I've never noticed anyone not wearing their belt until they go to put it on a cop once caught me rocking out to safety dance pretty hardcore when he pulled up next to me at a stoplight I didn't notice him right away but when I saw him I jumped and stopped and I'm sure I turned bright red he thought it was hilarious you can dance if you want to I used to provide transportation services to the local coroner whenever I arrived in my van it was amazing what people would do to be there when we removed the body people decided to do yard work at 10:00 p.m. it's night or sit on the patio and read the paper in the middle of winter another thing I would notice was people turning off the house lights so we couldn't tell they were watching at the window more often than not people just stood instead but it was always interesting what people tried to do to look like they were not watching everyone wants to see a corpse I didn't do IT officer he's over here lololololol my biggest sigh moment is when someone runs a red light but sees me at the last second slams on their brakes and stops in the middle of the intersection then they slowly back up causing a horrible traffic jam you've already run the red light and now you're backing illegally on a roadway oh and everyone thinks you're an idiot and looks at me saying if that was any ID get a ticket taking out your phone and pressing record seems to be coming a lot more common I hate it when I walk into a room and I'm greeted with he did him he's the one you want I might only be there to use a toilet I'm not there to introduce a drug dealers head to the floor but those jokes were funny but just once the other thing is when you chat to people they can become defensive if they sieve and abrupt sometimes I wish I could forget about professionalism drop the crap and say look help me out here not a police officer but my best friend owns a decommissioned cop car 2000 Crown Vic in standard police white and it still has its push bumper and CB antennas needless to say the thing looks like a cop car a lot so he gets three responses the one when people think he's a cop the one where people stare in abject confusion at the long haired bearded man with a cigarette and wonder if he's some sort of undercover cop and the one where people figure out he just owns a cop car and get really mad and drive off the benefits of it are that typically if you get in the fast lane on a highway everybody just moves out of your way the drawbacks are that when you get in the left lane and you aren't on the highway everybody immediately drops to the speed limit there's no way to really tell them to speed up if you pull up close and tailgate them they just think you're running their plates and slowly drop to two below the other drawback is the 14 miles per gallon and that the rear doors don't open from the inside the car folders are beastly though , the cuff elders are beastly 7-eleven Slurpee ears sometimes I think people believe I won't see them if they avoid eye contact like a t-rex or something in reality I pay a little more attention to those people I knew I probably appear really suspicious when I see a police officer I don't even do anything illegal but I get so nervous I forget how to act like a normal human I'm sitting in a living room with three cops right now so I asked people who slam on their brakes when they see a cruiser sitting on the side of the road and then cause accidents a ridiculous amount of people start crying a few people have wet themselves after being pulled over they also said that it's pretty obvious if someone is deciding to run sometimes people get ballsy and flip them off sometimes on my way to work on a dual carriageway highway with two lanes for each directional traffic I come across way more traffic than usual with the fast lane going just under 70 miles per hour and the slow lane going about 60 65 miles per hour this signifies one thing to me a police car yep sure enough wherever there is a police car driving there will be a clump of traffic around it all scared of getting caught speeding the policemen who go out and the cars must think speeding is really rare or something what's hilarious is when the cop trolls then by driving like 5 to 10 miles under the limit the entire highway grinds to a crawl no one wants to be the guy to pass a cop even when he's driving too slow I'm just like limit is 60 here be and cruise by there is a certain type of person that feels compelled to tell us about irrelevant suspicious behavior while we are eating you can spot them when they walk in the door of the restaurant and their story usually goes like this hey sir can I talk to you the other night I was in my front yard and I saw car go by a little later I saw cat which is weird cause it was Tuesday but then I saw a guy walking with a bottle of water and he didn't even look thirsty what do you think I'm social so I don't mind talking to people while I'm on break that this guy drives me crazy comment from boyfriend who was a cop for seven years the first thing anyone would do when they drove past me was look at their speedometer if on foot common reactions were looking away or pretending to talk to someone on the phone but it often doesn't indicate guilt just nervousness I always check my speed when the other police just in case yet I never speed I always gets nervous walking past the police yet I never know why not a cop but applicable story nonetheless in my early twenties I worked film set security to subsidize my income one evening I was guarding the empty extras holding space in other words sitting there doing nothing other than reading maxime a police officer came in and started talking to me at one point he even commented on the hot chick on the Maxim cover he was super casual and I was getting more and more freaked out trying to determine what the heck he wanted but finally I just asked him he laughed and said nothing man I'm just freaking bored word-for-word turns out he just wanted to hang for a bit military security can be the same doing my duty for the night just sitting at a desk really airman comes up m16 m9 standard loadout just relaxes and chats for a bit helps them break the monotony my uncle is a police officer in UK he says that on the motorway a lot of the traffic police will travel between 60 miles per hour and 65 miles per hour to allow other cars to go past then because no one wants to drive at freakin 70 when they've overtaken us they can go as fast as they like he will only pull people over for going over 80 miles per hour he says the extra 10 miles per hour over the 70 mile per hour limit really makes a difference to congestion I live in NYC where you sometimes get randomly searched when entering the subway here's my trick for avoiding police scrutiny when I'm carrying weed sweets donis candy bars ice cream whatever nobody looks dope here unless threatening than a grown man blissfully stuffing his face with chocolate as I enter the subway I take out my Boston cream doughnut and take a big gooey bite I've got chocolate on my face chocolate on my fingers the cops just give a disgusted little shake of their heads and let me walk by big freaking baby I can practically hear them thinking other than that like other officer said no evasive action no sudden movements no attempt to avoid the officers pretty sure a grown man blissfully stuffing his face with chocolate looks kinda stoned first of all I'm a police officer with the Metropolitan Police London England funny hats that gig yes I do have a slightly mischievous sense of humor in the UK I think the practice of using and marked cars is a lot more common so that can get very interesting quite often if I'm in an unmarked car and I see someone on their mobile phone whilst driving illegal here I make gestures for them to put it down maybe give the horn a little beep to get their attention it's surprising how often they will stick their finger up at you at which point I just flick the blue lights on and watch the phone go down so fast then watch them stopped at the light looking like they wish the ground would swallow them up people tend to have more of a knee-jerk reaction when they learn what I do for a living they'll happily be chatting away about the most inane of things when it comes up in conversation and are yeah so cool right usually followed by either a Hot Fuss joke or what's the fastest you've ever driven a police car not a cop that a friend of mine would run down the street when we were by at a party at my college when she saw a cop she was stopped and arrested for underage drinking Saru many times because of it and could never understand why yeah I've seen people stupidly do that just causally walk away that's what I do when cops usually don't bother chasing you it's those stupid kids that get onto a full-on sprint that get pin with underage drinking I go to the same gas station pretty regularly and oftentimes when I'm there as night while wearing street clothes I'll get stopped by someone asking for a dollar or some spare change one night I stopped by there after work wearing dark pants and a dark shirt with my badge hanging around my neck and as soon as I step out of my car I hear someone call out to me in the now recognizable I don't know you but I'm gonna ask you for something tone hey man a scruffy looking guy walks up to me eyes a little shifty and repeats his greeting and starts talking about trying to get home I see his eyes glanced down to my badge and hold for a second and a notice brief pause in his speech before he looks me in the eyes and asks how's work going at fine thanks alright alright right on anyway and he goes into a long drawn-out story that isn't related to anything at all it's which I assumed was an attempt to build rapport so he felt comfortable asking for a buck sounds judgmental but I always know when someone's about to ask for money then all of a sudden he ends with ok man well you have a good night and he walks off without asking for a thing so I guess his knee jerk reaction was not asking a cop for money would get him in trouble the funny thing is my badge said party officer because I bought it as a cheap way to dress up for a Halloween party I was working I am NOT a cop but it saved me from telling someone I did not have any cash should have arrested him obviously he wasn't partying enough when I was just out and about people would go out of their way to say hello to me to a ridiculous extent also when I would get coffee or whatever on the way into work I would sometimes get freebies I always appreciated the sentiment but let's be honest I was threatened with weapons more often when I was a sales clerk than when I was an officer overall people just treated me better and less that is if they were actually entangled in the justice system I did a lot of courtroom duty and whenever I would walk through the halls people would get really quiet and stare at me it was very surreal at first because in real life I'm a pretty quiet and unremarkable person but even though I had number of violent and troublesome offenders to deal with I actually think I had it easier than some of my co-workers because I was a woman I still am actually more often than not the men would flirt with me and the women would ask me questions about how I ended up in law enforcement all they would complain that a certain attractive male officer that I worked with wasn't there the biggest downside was that I ended up with a couple of guys who were a little too interested in me but they were already in jail so I didn't have to worry too much most common it seems is when we walk into a store on a call or place to eat someone inevitably either does pay raises his hand in the air and says I didn't do it hahahahahaha jabbing whatever friend he's with with his elbow or bee grabs the friend wife he's with and says here he is officer I got him for you it's only when there's a group of people guy in front of a girl I usually shrug it off or make a comment about it being the first time I've heard that in a really sarcastic manner one time when a guy did the hands up didn't do it maneuver I made a really serious face pulled out my cuffs and lunged at him he started pleading and saying he was just kidding and thoroughly embarrassed himself in front of the friends girl he was trying to impress with his witty sense of humor the only thing that seriously irks me is when a parent turns to their child Poinsettia me and tells them if you don't behave they're going to take you away I scolded a woman for like five minutes over trying to scare her kid with the police and basically saying that if the kid ever needs help if she's gonna be too scared to go to an officer then I gave the kid one of those badge stickers and some candy and tell him to call me anytime they need serious help I usually keep something like that on me for just such occasions one time a lady scared their kids so bad they started screaming bloody murder we usually keep stuffed animals in our trunk for kids involved in traumatic incidents so I gave her one of those I'm going to tell my cop friend to start carrying candy because that is awesome I try to be GGC as often as humanly possible unfortunately here in Australia we have an over burgeoning bogan sea white-trash culture with a heavy side off over entitled opinion and under educated people who believe that any and old police interaction that a public instantly constitutes brutality I can count the scuffles I've had in my time doing this job on a couple of hands and all were justified 99% of the time my mouth does all the work and both my partner and I leave without a fight or messy end to most situations people need to learn to respect all people regardless of race color creed or uniform if this actually occurred I'd be a much happier man just remember be excellent to each other and don't be buttholes to the boys in blue sorry in advance for the token but white coppers out there I hate to tar all with the same brush as much as I hate being tarred also peace people I hold my drugs out the window and start masturbating furiously it's a nervous thing but officer I can pull over any further I am already pulled over you've been visited by professor Popa you lace all your classes this year only if you comment study hard Papa if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check out another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot

Views: 392,190

Rating: 4.7907534 out of 5

Keywords: #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, dankify, story, stories, good cop bad cop, toadfilms, best of, Police, Stories

Id: fA5Px1GOy9I

Length: 58min 8sec (3488 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 14 2019