- Hey guy, it's that time of year again where I watch 31
different Christmas movies until I finally find
one that's good enough to talk about in a YouTube video. But then, realize I took too long and I don't even upload
it in time for Christmas. Happy Holidays. I think part of the reason
it took me so long this year is because there's too
many places to watch them. Netflix, Peacock, Hallmark Movies Now. Okay, but what do you
do if you're trying to get in the Christmas spirit, but you don't wanna waste any money on another subscription service. Pirate one? Partake in theft? No, thanks. That's illegal. The good news is, you don't have to pay to
watch Christmas movies as long as you lower your expectations as far as humanly possible, because some of the absolute worst of them are for free to watch
on this very website. Now, you have to stay vigilant because sometimes the
titles will fool you. I got so excited when I saw,
"The Polar Express Full Movie," that I stopped reading right there and never saw the word 'game'. Made for a slightly different, although not necessarily
worse, viewing experience. - My ticket, it's gone! I lost my ticket. - You also have to be careful of something even more nefarious, liars. "Christmas at The Plaza Full, Best Hallmark Romantic Movies 2022, New Hallmark Romance Movie 2022." Perfect, that sounds like an enjoyable high quality movie experience. (upbeat music)
(soft music) ♪ Here's to the one's that we got ♪ - Oh, God. ♪ Here's to wish you were
here, but you're not ♪ - This is hurting my ears. Okay, so to avoid getting
their video taken down for copyrighted music, they had the option to mute the song, or they could do what they did, which was play another song over it. Bold strategy, let's see if it pays off. (upbeat music) ♪ The club isn't the best
place to find a lover ♪ ♪ So the bar ♪ It's not. It's not paying off. (soft music)
(upbeat music) ♪ I'm hurting, baby ♪ - This is so fucking funny to me. The audio is all out of sync, they have to zoom in and rotate
the shot every five seconds, and they're playing weird
covers of Ed Sheeran songs over the Christmas music. At a certain point, if you have to make a
movie this unwatchable just to get around community guidelines, it's kind of not worth it anymore. (soft music)
(upbeat music) ♪ Party rockers in the house ♪ One of my favorite things
about finding these movies on YouTube is getting to
read all the comments, because people are so easily impressed. As long as the movie doesn't
look and sound like this, they will treat it as if it represents the pinnacle of filmmaking. Take "Deck The Heart," for example. This was uploaded just
a couple months ago. It already has 1 million views. People love this movie, on YouTube. On IMDB, different story. But on YouTube it's great
upload, no zooming problems, no sound problems. Shit, instant classic. Their standards are so low
that as long as the movie isn't sitting at a 70 degree angle in the corner of the screen, we might as well contact the Oscars. It's like the movie equivalent of saying, "Dude, you gotta try the new
restaurant down the street. I went there last night and I
almost didn't even throw up." Almost? I think the thing that
makes "Deck the Heart" so fun to watch for me, is how the low budget completely ruins the entire conceit of the movie. So it's about this guy whose grandpa dies. R.I.P Grandpa, this one's for you. And he inherits his lake
house with one condition. He has to host Christmas
for the whole family there, just like Grandpa used to. - I assume your mom
explained the stipulation of your inheritance, right? - To host Christmas? - Yes.
- Yes. - Unfortunately, this
dumb idiot doesn't know the first thing about hosting a Christmas. He's too busy working
his vague business job. Answering phone calls and doing emails, even during the holidays. So he hires this woman named
Mary to plan the party, decorate the house, and make
enough food for like 15 people. Now, I wanna play a little
game with you called How Much Money Do You Think He's Going To Pay Her To Do This? I want you to stop and think
about the scope of the job that I just described, and then come up with a number
in your head of what you think this kind of job is worth. Go ahead and write it down
in the comments, if you want. If you wanna lock in
your answer, you got it? All right, let's find
out how much he pays her. - Does 12 work for you? - 12 instead of 10? Sure. - No, $12,000. - $12,000. - $12,000? - He pays her $12,000 to hang up a few ribbons and cook a meal. And you might be thinking, okay, well some of that is budgeting
in the cost of supplies. No, no, no, no. He gives her his credit card. Her take home is 12 grand. Can I do next year's party? I would settle for half that. See, but going back to
what I was saying earlier, the problem with this
being the plot of the movie is that she ends up spending
the entire length of it, which is about three weeks of real time, decorating the house. She's working sunset to sunrise, she's working weekends, she's pouring her blood, sweat, and tears into this holiday decor. So by the end of the movie, you're kind of expecting
something spectacular, right? Something that would warrant her paycheck and the amount of time
invested, or you know, at the very least that she
would've finished decorating the kitchen cabinets instead of
stopping halfway through? - The house looks marvelous. - You know, we can see it too, right? She clearly just hung up
one thing from Hobby Lobby and called it a day. - [Chris] But, you're really
good at what you do, Mary. - It's not really work to me. - That's probably because
you're not actually doing that much. I feel like this movie is gaslighting me. Why is everyone so impressed by tinsel? Actually, in an attempt to
solve the age old problem of viewers having eyeballs, the director does something really fun where they constantly
choose not to show us stuff. Big reveal at the end of
the movie, balcony lights. She's been working on these all month, and oh, it's out of frame. Well, at least we get to see
everyone's reaction to it. They also talk about the
game room incessantly. - I have some work to do,
so I'll be in the game room. And you know what? It might be easier if you
just come into the game room. Enter through the game room, downstairs. - Oh, you have a game room? - Yes. - They mention it so much, I'm surprised it's not listed
as a credited character. And yet, I could not tell you what 75% of this room looks like. - Welcome to the game room. - Cozy, I like it. - Some of my best family
memories were made here. - Can we see it? - Impressive. - This room has an
endless supply of snacks during the holidays. People get lost down here for hours. - Sounds really fun. Can we see it? - No, not at all. - Ah, what's that thing they
teach you in film school? Why show something, when
you can simply describe it? Speaking of describing, I love when he gives
her a tour of the house and overly explains what every room does. - This is the kitchen and dining room. - Obviously. - Linen closet.
- [Mary] Obviously. - This is the foyer. It's the main entrance to the house. Everybody comes and goes through here. - [Mary] Obviously. - Oh, so people walk through
the door to get inside. Gotcha. Wait, but how do they get back out? Believe it or not, same door. No way, it does both? Also, is anyone gonna
explain to me why he had to change his pants
halfway through the tour? Be honest. Did you piss yourself? Overall, this is a boring ass movie, but I do wanna point out some
of my personal highlights. During what's supposed to be
an emotional moment early on, this is a real sound effect
that is actually in the movie. My parents never really
got into birthdays, or the holidays, or anything. So, I was always left up
to my own devices for them. - [Sound Effect] Aww. - [Woman] That's so sad. - Promise me when I'm gone,
you'll take care of my family. - [Sound Effect] Aww. - It's fine.
- [Sound Effect] Aww. It's fine, really.
- [Sound Effect] Aww. - You already had an audience, there. You could have just had them go, "Aww." I like the scene where
Chris tries one of the meals Mary is proposing to make for Christmas. - I could see it in your eyes. You're disappointed in something. - Yeah, to be fair, if
I paid someone $12,000 and they made me chicken and broccoli, I'd be pretty disappointed too. I like when he picks up
her parents at the airport and it looks like they're
outside of a prison. Every transition shot in
this movie is stock footage and none of it goes together. This sequence, right here, is three different cities
during three different seasons. All right, and then we're
gonna use an establishing shot of Bluegrass Grill in Chattanooga, before heading inside a coffee
shop called Sweetwaters. One of the most positive
comments I'm seeing a lot under this video is how much
chemistry the actors have, which is funny because they don't. (Mary laughs) Mary, look. I'm wearing a glove. - What are you doing? - Setting lights up on the roof. - Why? - Because it's my job. - Wow, what a script, huh? So the main guy, Chris, in this movie, is played by someone named Joe Kurak, and he is my new favorite actor. He is so funny. He's like, if someone 3D
printed a human being. - Oh, please don't tell anyone, please. - What happened? (head thuds) - He's like, if John Ham
and a dog had a baby. - I appreciate dinner and
dessert, especially dessert. He even made a gingerbread house one year. - He sort of walks around
like he just learned how to a few days ago. Every line is delivered like
he's in an entirely different movie than everyone else. - Thaddeus is my cat. - Your cat? - I quit.
- I know. (head thuds) - Joe Kurak is my hero,
and at this this point, I had to find more movies with him in it. Now, in my search for more Joe, I stumbled across a YouTube
channel called Encourage TV, and I gotta say, this is
one of the weirdest channels on this entire website. There are days where they upload multiple full-length movies. I'm talking feature-length films with actors and production teams posted on YouTube for free that will end up with like 600 views. Where are they getting the
money to make all of these? It makes no sense. Now, to be fair, some of
these are a little misleading. They have a whole series of Wiki.films, which is where an AI
voice spends two hours reading someone's Wikipedia page. So, if you're trying
to learn about New York in the least interesting way possible, I definitely recommend this video. - [Narrator] In fiscal
year 2013-14, Wall Street- - Ooh, "The Bill Collector." A cheerful comedy with Danny Trejo. That sounds like just the kind of light and funny Christmas movie
I'm in the mood for. (eerie music)
(camera shutter clicking) (woman sobbing) Is neither cheerful or comedic. We've got "Renfroe's White Christmas." This one is set in the 1930s, and I really love what
they did to make this an authentic period piece. All of the microphones they
use are fucking terrible. (muffled speaking) Huh? What? But as bizarre as 98% of their catalog is, every so often they'll
upload a Christmas movie that will immediately
get a shit ton of views. This time, it's "Christmas
at the Holly Hotel" starring, of course, our dear friend Joe. Say it with me, she has a job in New York City, but for Christmas, she
goes back to her small town where she falls in love
with a guy she just met, so she quits her job
and stays there forever. I've never seen anything like it. This time Joe is a cop,
named Officer Matthew, or- - Just Matthew.
- Sorry, just Matthew. And in classic meet cute fashion, he pulls her over for reckless driving. - How fast was I going? - 51 in a 25. - Well, that doesn't seem
exceptionally reckless. - No, that's pretty reckless. - Maybe if you check
your instruments again, you might see I was only going 35 in a 25. Or if you look really close, you might see I was
only going 25 and a 25. - And if you look even closer than that, you may see that I wasn't
even moving at all. Write that down, my car was parked. Can't be speeding when your car's parked. - I'm Kathy, by the way. - I hate that she's making
me side with the cop here, but like, if she was going 28 and a 25 and he pulled her over, you
know that's pretty negligible. But, she was going double the speed limit. She's driving through a
neighborhood in inclement weather, like she's on a freeway and
then has the nerve to be like, this town hates me. - This town, which loves me so much, gifted me with a reckless
driving ticket for Christmas. - Yeah, it's the holidays. There are still laws in December. Christmas isn't the purge. Yeah, big deal. So, maybe I killed a pedestrian. You're gonna put me in jail
the day Santa's coming to town? For pretty much the entire movie, she will just not let this go. - Sonny, here, gave me a ticket on the way into town, this morning. - Right before Christmas? That's outrageous. - Also, this poor woman,
this sweet old lady, they gave her so many lines. - Not at all. He thinks he's the bee's knees because he gets to wear a badge. But I remember- - Side note, do you
think this guy only plays characters that have a
weirdly close relationship with one of their grandparents? - I was in the dining room with him. He was one good looking man. - Grandma. - He was 15 before I convinced him that there was no such thing- - Grandma! - Come on a little closer, Sonny. I bet I can still lean you over my knee. - Grandma. - How do you feel about
that grandson of mine? - Grandma, please. - Yes. - That's how you ask
someone out on a date. - Good news, they're gonna go on a date. Bad news, they're not gonna go on a date, as depicted by this text. Hey, it's not December 21st. That calendar says February. Throughout the whole movie, which takes place over
the course of five days, Kathy's phone friend keeps
insisting that this man she knows nothing about and has never met is destined to be Kathy's husband. - He was a total jerk. - He could be the one. - Actually, everyone
around her keeps demanding that she fall in love with him. - Stood you up? Did you see the way he took care of his grandmother last night?
- Grandma. - That boy's a keeper, Kat. - So, after being coerced
by her family and friends into giving a second chance
to the cardboard cutout who stood her up yesterday, she agrees to give him another chance and he reacts to this news
in a very normal human way. Now, since this guy
can't ever open his mouth without sounding like an alien sent here to infiltrate Hollywood, the director smartly
depicts the first date in the form of a montage. Kathy, your friend's falling over. It's not my friend, Matthew, it's a tree. Nice to meet you, friend. Don't shake his hand. Then, they go on another date. This time, speaking words. And boy, are the sparks flying now. - You don't pull punches, do you? - Can't. Too much of Grandma William's blood in me. - I drank some on the way over here. - I want to hold my best friend while we watch our children unwrap the presents on Christmas morning. - This guy has definitely killed someone. - I'm just a regular guy. - Wait until her nameless phone friend hears about this magical evening. - I just don't think that
I'm the girl for him. - You've ruined my night, and you are literally ruining Christmas. Goodbye. - You kidding me, dude? She hung up on her. That's gotta be the most unrealistic trope in all these Christmas movies, right? Is the friend who only
ever has good things to say about the man the main
character's interested in. Kathy, if you don't quit your job and marry this man tomorrow, I can't be your friend
anymore, and then I'll die. Is that what you want for me? You know I only exist through
the prism of your love life. Kathy's the only one
being smart about this. She's resisting the urge to
drop everything in her life just because she met a handsome man, but her friend, her parents, even mischievous Grandma Williams will not take no for an answer. - Is there any chance you we're reserved by a Mrs. Williams? - Absolutely not. - Grandma Williams. - She went behind their
backs to force them onto a horse-drawn carriage. Driven by, for some
reason, two different men. That's not the same
guy from the wide shot. - It's a beautiful day. - Come on, it's a beautiful day. The sun's not out,
we're freezing to death. Couldn't ask for better weather. - Maybe you should tell me
what it would be like with you. - Lot of Grandma Williams. - Be serious. - I am. - I am serious, she won't leave me alone. What are you saying about me, boy? Nothing, Grandma. I love you. - I have a job, possibly my dream job, as
the lead editor at the Times. I mean, and my apartment. - I didn't hear you mention
anything about having a life. (horn blaring) - I'm sorry. - About what? - I pooped in the carriage. Well, it's a good thing they didn't kiss before going their separate ways, 'cause it looks like they're never gonna see each other again. - Goodbye, Matthew. Wait, what are you doing tomorrow? (Drew gasps) - They are gonna see each other again. - I don't know. - She just can't resist this
guy and his endless charm. I mean, can you blame her though? He's always saying normal person things. - You're much smarter than I am. I'll always be known as the sweet one in any conversation about us. You are such a scientist. You might be beautiful. - But of course, right when things are
coming together for them, disaster strikes. - We've decided to offer you the job. Pack your bags and head to the airport. - My dream job? But it's Christmas. No, that's actually a pretty shitty thing for the company to do. She made it very clear
what her availability was during the interview. And already, they're ignoring
that and pressuring her to abandon her family
plans and fly to New York on a holiday. She hasn't even started
working for them yet, and already, they're
violating her boundaries, which doesn't bode well for their future employment relationship. However, it's not like she
articulates anything like that. Everything in her life
is now centered around the handsome police robot
she met three days ago. I can't give up on that for my career. - And in New York, just
never felt like home, no matter how long I lived there. - Of course not. You can't create a new life
away from your hometown. If you move away from the
city where your parents live, you will be miserable
and you will regret it. It's also the part of the
movie where Grandma Williams' true colors come out. - Things didn't work
out the way I'd hoped. - Did you let that girl get away? - I didn't let her. She chose New York over me. - Why did you give her a choice? - I'm sorry, what? - What was I supposed to do? Kidnap her? - If that's what it took. (Drew laughs)
- Okay. - Can always count on your
sense of humor, Grandma. - I wasn't joking. - Grandma. Now we know where he gets his crazy from. - A text, are you kidding me? You sent me a text? - You chased me down in a cop car and pulled me over, Matthew. Don't act like I am the crazy one. - When is the last time
you've been in love? I've been in love once. Right now, today, with you. That's it. - Dude, it hasn't even been a week. - So yeah, I'm out here in the cold, outside my jurisdiction,
abusing my police powers. - You are? - But, that's not crazy.
- Yes, it is! - Crazy is you driving off and pretending like you
don't feel the same way. (horn blaring) - I can't
- Kathy. - Kathy, please, you can't leave now. Once you go reestablish your independence, I no longer have any power over you. - Matthew. - Kathy. - Kathy. - You came back. - You came back. - Kathy!
- Oh, come on! - You can kiss her later. - When, when is that? - This is the guy you
uprooted your life for? Actually, I think this is the moment Joe decided to sabotage this movie. Because every line delivery,
from this point forward, is a master class in performance. - President wants to talk to you. - Of the United States? - The United States? - Matthew.
- Mr. President. (birds chirping) - It's nice meeting you, Matthew. - I love you, too. - They're saying, "I love you," and they haven't even kissed yet? (soft music)
No. No.
- Will you marry me? - He proposed? It's been five days! - Yes, I would love nothing more. - Not surprised she
said yes, at this point, she's already given up
everything else in her life. What if, after all that, they finally kissed and were like, "Actually, that was kinda gross, can I have that ring back?" "Fine, yeah, take it. I gotta get my job back." - Look, I like love as
much as the next guy. I also don't think your career has to be your number one
priority at all times. But, that's two movies in a row where one of the main characters quits their job, on a whim, to be with someone they just met. Like, can we stop to think about what's gonna happen
after the credits roll? You gonna pay the bills in kisses? Like, I think Joe's really gonna regret blowing 12 grand on one party when he runs out of money in three months. Like, I'm a sucker for
a good romance story, I'm a regular guy. - I'm just a regular guy. - But, it always drives me crazy when there's no practicality involved. Like, we're just gonna
drop everything else in our lives, and prioritize
this brand new relationship. Of course, you feel
that way in the moment. Of course, it seems like
a good idea at first. But, they don't know
anything about each other. Anyway, I watched some other movies too, but they were all so bad. That's not even, it's not
even worth talking about. "Santa's Bootcamp" started off strong, but then it got really boring and I just had to skip to the end. - [Santa Claus] Ho, ho, ho!
(bright music) - Have a gift for you. - Show you the bad kids can be nice. - I don't have feelings for Christie Norr. - "Hope for Christmas,
a Pastor Greg Reboot." Not as good as the title Makes
it seem like it would be. Going into it, I was like, "Oh, this is the perfect movie. It's 40 minutes long, I love that. So efficient. Why go watch new Avatar, three hour movie, when I could stay home,
watch this movie five times?" But then, I spent the whole run time just being confused about
what the hell was going on. Why is everyone in this town so obsessed with shopping sprees? (man yelling) What is happening to this boy? (boy screaming) Why are there so many pivotal moments that have no sound? Here, let me fix it. - It's how you do it, that defines it. (soft music) ♪ Here's to the ones that we got ♪ Now, that's movie. Well, I'd love to stay and
talk more about Christmas and the film industry as a
whole, but my family's in town. You know how it is. I gotta go cheer up my cousin. (Drew sighs) Hey buddy, what's wrong? Christmas is over and I
don't have any more presents. Oh, well, do you wanna play
with any of your presents? You got like a ton of Legos. I will. It's just, you know, my favorite part is opening the boxes and now there's none left. Yeah, that's a bummer, all right. But you know, if you
wanted another box to open, you could always order
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My box is here. It's a Christmas miracle. (upbeat music) ♪ The club isn't the best
place to find a lover ♪
