- Hey guy, welcome back
to NASA Headquarters. Today is December, which
means it's time for Christmas movies, almost
all of which are bad. Sure, there's a few gems, "Home
Alone," "The Santa Clause," "Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever," these are are critically
acclaimed, as they should be, but for every good Christmas movie, I swear there's gotta
be, like, 200 bad ones. A lot of that has to do with
the Hallmark movie factory where they mass-produce
semi-attractive white couples to recreate the same film
a hundred thousand times, after which, I assume they put them down and replace them with new actors. That's just the circle of life. But even though Hallmark
movies are easy to make fun of for their formulaic
simplicity, you gotta admit, their business model works. Their brand is synonymous
with the holiday season. On the other hand, you have
companies like Netflix, who, this time of year, want
to be like Hallmark so bad, but absolutely suck at it. First up, we got "Dolly Parton's
Christmas on the Square," a musical starring Dolly
Parton as a glowing hobo. Seems like even her biggest fans couldn't find a way to enjoy this mess. The best thing I saw someone say about it is that it's a good movie to watch while you clean your bathroom. ♪ Christmas on the Square ♪ Looks like I won't be cleaning
my bathroom any time soon. - Ow, my eye! - Up next, we've got "A
California Christmas." - We have three weeks. If not, the deal falls
apart before Christmas. - Hannah, where's the water? - They seem to be going for
the reverse-Hallmark here, where a business man falls in
love with a small-town woman. And they say Hollywood's not progressive. - I'm sorry. - You've never got your hat. You lied about who you are! - Kelly I had no idea who I was until I met you. - "No, you don't understand, cowgirl, I used to like big city, but now, I meet you, I like small town, small town Christmas fun for me. Horse ate my shirt, let's ride the horse." This one's not out yet, but luckily, I can just click this little button here to be notified when it's time
to cancel my subscription. Now I'm gonna list off some
other Netflix Christmas movies and you let me know if
you notice the theme here. "Christmas With a Prince,"
"A Christmas Prince," "A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding," "A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby," "The Princess Switch," "A
Princess For Christmas," "The Princess Switch:
Switched Again Part 2," "The Knight Before Christmas," and "Prince of Peoria: A
Christmas Moose Miracle." For some reason, all nine of these movies revolve around a royal family, and almost half of them
star Vanessa Hudgens. "The Princess Switch" is probably the most notorious one here. It's your classic
"Princess and the Pauper," "Parent Trap" kind of situation where Vanessa Hudgens and
her twin, Vanessa Hudgens, no relation, switch
places before realizing that maybe the grass isn't
greener on the other side. Just kidding, they love it. Nothing goes wrong and now
they're both princesses. Also one of them's British. - Keep calm and carry on. - To be clear though, she's
not the Princess of Britain, she doesn't live in Britain,
she just is British. I know it doesn't make too much sense, but half the people in
"Star Wars" were British and they lived in space,
so I'll let this one slide. I would say the most
annoying part of this movie is how boring the Prince is. I understand why Princess
Vanessa didn't want to marry him, so she ran away to Chicago,
but American Vanessa fucking loves this dude. - I love you more than
I've ever loved anyone in my whole life. - They met three days ago. Maybe she hit her head when
she fell off that horse, I don't know, but they don't
seem to have anything in common and also he's kind of weird. - You sound like my grandmother. - Meanwhile, British Vanessa,
who's pretending to be American Vanessa, falls in love with a guy that the real American Vanessa
had been friend-zoning, and they have a pretty
decent relationship. He's charismatic, he's, like, a good dad, and she is just mesmerized by his torso. - Have you ever seen
Kevin with his shirt off? - Ew, Kevin? No! (sighs) But Edward... - You and Kevin aren't an item? - "Ew, have I ever dated
my handsome best friend? No, I like Edward." " But he's like if a blank-" "Like if a blank piece of
paper was a person, yeah." - This is crazy! - If you thought that movie was crazy, the real fun begins in
"The Princess Switch: Switched Again Part 2,"
where we're introduced to a third Vanessa Hudgens,
only this one is evil. - Off with their heads. - Yeah, people are gonna die. - Minions, I need more champagne. - Is she really related to you? - Yeah, no, I'm pretty
sure they're related. - You're yummy. - The next scene looks like
one of those infomercials where the actor has to try really hard to spill something on themselves so they can make their
product look useful. - There's the sugar behind the flour. - I'll get it.
- It's quite all right. - Nah, it'll be easier if I get it. (gasps) - [Narrator] Has this
ever happened to you? - You're not just about to
become the queen of Montanaro. You've also become the queen of my heart. (laughs) - Somebody wrote that. And then they put it in the movie. You know what, I'm just
gonna skip to the end. - To love and support you
in everything that you do. And maybe someday teach you
how to make a hot chocolate. (laughs) - Crap, I don't understand that reference 'cause I didn't actually watch the movie! Just try and act natural. (laughs unnaturally) - I love you, Margaret. - I'm just excited for the
next sequel to come out when they all have kids,
who I assume will also be played by Vanessa Hudgens. - What news? - As bad as the "Princess
Switch" movies are, I really think they have
nothing on this next one. This is the other Netflix movie that also has Vanessa in it and it is so unbelievably dumb. So this movie is set in the 1300's, and also 2019. You see, Sir Cole over here
wants to become a knight, but he can't until he completes the quest given to him by this old crone. - Old Crone? - Her name in the movie
actually is "Old Crone." What if there was more than one old crone? How would you tell them apart? Also, what is an old crone? Well, in folklore, a crone is an old woman who may be disagreeable,
malicious, or sinister in manner, often with magical or
supernatural associations that can make her either
helpful or obstructing. As a character type, the
crone shares characteristics with the hag. What a description. Anyway, the Old Crone
sends him on a quest, which is, for some reason,
700 years in the future. - You shall travel to faraway lands, see things undreamed of. - Seems a little random to me. What, did they run out
of medieval things to do? "All right, gather 'round, gentlemen, come get your quests. Okay, you, young man,
you're going to fetch an enchanted sword for the Prince, and you're gonna scale
the highest mountain and slay the dragon who lives on the top, and you're gonna date a
middle school teacher." So she sends him to 2019 and he's hella confused, obviously. - Can we take a selfie? (giggles) - Prithee, what might that be, my lady? (phone clicking) (girls giggling) - Thank you! - Did you notice anything about that shot? Well, let's see, her hand moved, he went from being in the
middle to being on the end, and where the hell did that
merry-go-round come from? Not that continuity is
important or anything, we're just making a movie. Also, the Old Crone
time traveled here too, I guess to make sure he's doing his job, but she's posing as Mrs.
Claus and no one notices. Wouldn't the guy playing
Santa be a little confused that she just appeared out of nowhere? Like, "Wait a minute,
where did you come from? Get away from those children, you share characteristics with the hag!" It must be, like, the
easiest thing in the world to write a Christmas movie because nothing has to make sense. Christmas is a time for magic, and wonder, and plot holes, but- - If you believe, anything's possible. - As a result of that
logic, these writers think that they can get away with anything and no one's allowed
to question it, but I, I will question it, I am a
professional movie nitpicker! I am the second most
annoying kind of detective, behind those people who brag about noticing typos in deleted tweets. Anyway, later that night,
she runs him over in her car. (gasps) - I hit him with my car. - Which, I gotta say, is
one of the more aggressive meet-cutes I've ever seen,
but luckily, he's all right because he's wearing a
literal suit of armor. - [Brooke] I think he hit his head. - Apparently, Sir Cole believes that he's a 14th century knight. - You are not sleeping under a tree when I have an empty guest
house you can stay in. - Vanessa decides at this
point that the strange man she just met, who she
believes is suffering from a brain injury and
is armed with a sword, should stay with her in her home. There's an idea that couldn't end badly! Good thing she has an entire
guest house for him to stay in, 'cause, you know, she's a teacher, and we all know how
well teachers get paid. - You scared away my supper! - Mmm, skunk. I feel like even a knight from the 1300's wouldn't look at a skunk and think, "I'm gonna eat that," but he's still hungry,
so they go to Denny's. - Hot dog. Delicious. Another one, wench! - Whoa! Okay, Sir Cole? That's kind of an offensive term. - "Cole, you're being rude. We prefer to call them 'hags.'" Then he spends all night watching TV and I guess learns some
of the modern dialect. - What do you think of
these awesome new threads? Modern technology is lit AF. - He doesn't talk like that
at all the rest of the movie, it's just for that scene
because it's funny. Or, I mean, lit. - We tweeted ours. - [Drew] The next day, he chops
down a tree with one swing and then Vanessa lets him drive her car. Yep, the guy who spent the last three days talking like a Shakespeare
play, who doesn't have a license and clearly has never been in a car before the night you met him, sure, let him drive your
car around by himself! Why stop there? Give him a gun, too! See what more havoc he could wreak. Side note, time moves
very fast in this movie. There are entire days that
are only three minutes long. On December 19th, they
wake up, start watching TV, and then it's night time,
and then they fall asleep, and then it's the morning again. December 21st, she sends
Cole and her niece outside to hit each other with sticks and they do it until it's dark. - That's called a fist bump. - [Drew] The next morning,
Vanessa comes outside to see Cole beating up her lawn ornaments and she's just like, "(chuckles) Oh, you. What a goofball!" And I guess her neighbor was
really impressed by his moves because she comes over and
starts flirting with him. - Actually just popped by to
see if you were free tonight to do some Christmas
caroling with friends. - I mean, shit, if I saw a homeless man winning a fight with plastic, I'd probably ask him on a date, too. - Lady Allison seems to
have you green with envy. - Okay, first off, she ain't no lady. In high school, she was
voted biggest flirt. - "You see, Sir Cole, here in 2019, we don't call women wenches. We merely imply that they are one." I will say Cole is a very nice guy, which is probably why
Vanessa and the police let him get away with literally anything. But he teaches the girl about kindness, and then he saves her life
when she wanders onto a lake in the middle of a snow storm, and then he and Vanessa share
a little Christmas romance. - The dough will fail to rise if you continue to wrest
it like a dragon slayer. (soft piano music) - Why can't I get my printer to connect? - Need a hand? - No, I'm good.
(shushes) - Don't say a word,
you'll ruin the moment. - This isn't helping. - He loves 'em. - Pickpocket! (bodies thudding) Should we let him keep his hands? - Yeah! - Yes? - Well, well, well, you're turning into quite the natural at this game, Cole. You know, you should
consider joining the force. - Wait, so this cop is well
aware of how insane Cole is, he just watched him use
excessive force on a teenager, and so he asks him to
join the police force? This movie's more
realistic than I thought. (door clattering) They were about to kiss,
but they got interrupted. I wonder if that same exact
thing is gonna happen again seven minutes from now. (phone vibrating) It did. All right, third time's the charm. But, of course, the Old
Crone, whose motives I'm starting to question,
is just staring at them creepily in the background. - Cole, your medallion! (gasps) - This thing's glowing! That means he did his
quest, they figured it out! The quest was to kiss her! Still kind of weird but they did it! They're in love, it's beautiful, they can finally live happily ever after! Wait, where is he going? Oh, he got sent back to the 1300's. Let me make sure I understand
the stakes of this movie. So he was banished to go to the future, which he loves because it's awesome. - Play "Deck the Halls."
(music playing) - And if he didn't
complete his quest in time, he would've been stuck there forever where he'd be forced to
continue living happily with Vanessa Hudgens. But because he did kiss
her before Christmas, he completed his quest and his reward is that he gets to go back to his kingdom where he'll probably die in his 30's. Yeah, that makes sense. - Brother? - Geoffrey! - Wait, did they just do a bro hug? He seemed so confused
by a fist bump earlier, but I get it, this is
ride-or-die right there. Obviously, he wants to go back though, so he's gotta find the Old Crone again. - Crone? Crone! Old Crone! I beg thee, Crone, I will do. - Very well. - That problem resolved itself in, like, a minute and a half. - It's Cole! And he brought his horse! - Delighting in your company. - Cole, I thought you were gone. Like, for good. - "I... (sighs) I found someone else." "I was gone for an hour!" "You have to more on, Cole!" Well, it wouldn't be a
rom-com if it didn't end with all the extras clapping
for the main characters because they have nothing better to do. (crowd clapping) Oh. Did not expect that. Another thing I didn't expect was a random post-credits scene. (crowd clapping) - You truly are a handsome young knight. - Sir Geoffrey Alexander
Edgar Lyons, at your service. - Oh, the Old Crone is at it again! Are they hinting at a sequel? Is there gonna be, like,
a whole Marvel universe of knights being sent in the future, only they all go to Vanessa
Hudgens and she's just like, "Guys, I'm taken. You should know this,
it was your brother." I give this movie a D.
(bell ringing) Deez nuts.
(airhorn blowing) Before you unsubscribe, I just want to touch on one last movie. It's called "Holidate"
starring Emma Watson, it just came out. Amanda and I watched the entire thing, and I don't really have
anything funny to say about it, I just need to rant about it for a sec because this movie pissed us the hell off. So the premise is that
Emma Watson is tired of her family judging her when she comes home boyfriend-less every Christmas, so she meets this guy
who lives at the mall and they decide that he'll
pretend to be her boyfriend only on holidays so her
mom gets off her back. Here's the thing, though. The mom doesn't like him, she still spends the rest of the movie trying to set her up with someone else. Also, they go on holidates not
even in front of her family, which I thought was the whole point. So at this point, they're
just friends with benefits except without the benefits
and also they're not friends. And I'm sure you can
see where this is going. They eventually start to like each other, but they don't want to admit
that they like each other and that's, like, the main
conflict of the movie. Emma Watson also shits
her pants on Halloween because her aunt accidentally
gave her laxatives instead of Advil. You know when you bring a
giant bottle of laxatives to a Halloween party
just in case you decide it's time to go have diarrhea in public? "Shit, I haven't pooped
in almost 15 minutes, I must be constipated!" Then on Thanksgiving,
this random guy comes over and immediately tries to eat
the turkey out of the oven with his hands. The turkey is clearly done already but they put it back in the
oven and surprise, surprise, they burn all the food, so
Emma has to go to the store, which is open on Thanksgiving,
and she's buying, like, waffles for some reason,
and Ryan Gosling is there, and then she goes back
home and it's dark outside so she's been gone all day
while they were all waiting, and they all start to
fight, and then this guy has a heart attack, so they
go to the hospital where- Sorry, I'm out of breath. Where the aunt tells the
doctor that she loves him and then they kiss. (sighs) Also, Emma's sister cheats
on her husband with King Bach and they use it as the catalyst to fix their broken relationship. No! This poor guy, who doesn't
have any time for her anymore 'cause he's too busy being the only one to take care of their four children, gets cheated on with a
Vine star, which yeah, I know that's kind of a
self-roast, and she's just like, "Oopsies," and everything's okay. No! Fuck that, these people suck, none of them deserve a happy ending, and why the hell do they spend
so much time at the mall? Nobody goes to the mall anymore! I guess what I'm trying to say is, Netflix, try harder. Christmas is good, Christmas
movies should be good, too. I know you can make good stuff,
I watched the chess show, I liked stranger kids,
put some of that effort into a holiday movie that doesn't suck, and then maybe I won't have
to go watch Lifetime instead. What are they working on right now? You know, on second thought,
I don't think I'm gonna be celebrating Christmas anymore. (rock music) Don't cut back to me,
cut to the commercial. Hi, I'm soaking wet, and
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for sponsoring my channel. Thank you so much for
watching this video, guy. If you want to subscribe to my channel, go to, uh... How do I get to Google? Crap, I think I'm stuck on this page. Search... I guess I'll search YouTube for Google. Maybe they have... Google, take me to Google. Fuck, how do I... How do I get to google.com?
I don't want to say I caused this but I did DM Drew asking him to watch this so I'm gonna go ahead and take full credit for this video, even though the chances of him seeing my message is minute.
A good one! Really find his Christmas movie roasts funny. Gotta say I caught a hallmark movie the other week I know he’d love for a video. I think it was called Five Star Christmas